Battleship Reviews

[Emperor]

Spoilers beware!

 

I’m not one to invoke Michael Bay’s name every time a big, loud, special effects-driven tent pole blockbuster rolls in, but, in the case of BATTLESHIP, which pulls the lesser aspects of ARMAGEDDON, INDEPENDENCE DAY and TRANSFORMERS and crams them together into one nonsensical movie, I’ll make an exception. I’ve got a pretty strong feeling that even he couldn’t help himself from looking at this movie based on a board game, ripe with explosions for explosion’s sake, and saying, “I would chill, but wow… this is so f-in’ stupid.” Yes, BATTLESHIP is probably too dumb even for Michael Bay’s standards, considering it makes the two films of his it borrows from (ARMAGEDDON and TRANSFORMERS) look like intellectual masterpieces.

BATTLESHIP is built around Alex Hopper, who aspires to be Ben Affleck in ARMAGEDDON, but without the charisma, charm or personality. Watching Taylor Kitsch is really no different than watching a block of wood acting on-screen, except the wood might actually break through with an emotion periodically. Kitsch only brings forth these statuesque performances that feel as if he’s reciting lines to the camera and at his fellow cast members, and it’s no different here. Therefore, Hopper as this irresponsible, directionless man-child isn’t endearing at all. He plays like a lost cause, and not the kind for which you root for redemption. No, this is more the type of guy who you hope to keep as far away from as possible, because what kind of loser breaks into a convenience store and subsequently gets tazed in order to score a chicken burrito for a girl? Even worse, what kind of girl falls in love with a guy willing to commit such a petty crime for her to begin with? Brooklyn Decker apparently… and don’t worry… I haven’t even gotten out of the pre-title card prologue yet, so, if you’re already sensing an incredible amount of stupidity to come, I’ve got news for you… it’s only going to get a lot worse.

So, if Kitsch is Affleck, and Brooklyn Decker is Liv Tyler, then who is Bruce Willis? That honor is bestowed upon Alexander Skarsgard AND Liam Neeson, who split the responsibilities with the former being his hard-ass Navy commander brother Stone Hopper, who tries to whip his lazy brother’s life into shape, and the latter serving as the disapproving father. Watching Kitsch share the screen with either is amusing for all the wrong reasons, because it means seeing Skarsgard and Neeson overact to make up for Kitsch’s lack of acting in a truly sad dynamic. With that equation set up and Kitsch pushed into Naval duty, you know it’s about the perfect time for aliens to invade with Alex Hopper being our only hope to fight them, especially after it’s revealed that he’s set to be kicked out of the Navy once he and his crew return from RIMPAC, the largest international maritime exercise that they’re in the middle of. How convenient.

 

 

Okay, so let’s get onto the aliens and how mindlessly retarded they are. First off, they come to Earth following a signal we beeped into deep space. And then, once they’re here, what we eventually come to find out they want is just to return the communication back home. Being the stupid humans we are that always populate these movies, we elect to open fire upon them, setting off a chain reaction where they destroy our weaponry, vehicles carrying weaponry and any type of infrastructure that would allow vehicles with weaponry to get around – roads, bridges, etc. They also throw up a monstrous force field around their ships in the water, so no type of attack can be mounted against them from the outside. However, they don’t kill people. They come face to face with tons of them. They have the means to do it. They could easily begin the extinction level event that many believe is about to happen… and yet they don’t harm anyone that doesn’t attempt to do harm to them first. Launch missiles at them, and they’ll f*** you up… but just stand in front of them minding your own business, and you can go on about your day with them none the wiser. So really… what is the point of the aliens period? During an encounter with one of the aliens, who happens to look like Scott Ian from Anthrax, when Kitsch is touched by the extraterrestrial, he sees all sorts of war and warns that we the humans are going to need another planet… but why? We’ve got one right here, and these aliens aren’t doing anything to separate us from it. Are they calling in reinforcements with the use of the satellite? If so, what are more inbound ships going to do? They’ve got a handful on Earth right now that could clearly wipe out the human race with their giant rotating balls of destruction and their exploding peg ammunition… but they never harm a soul. So what’s the purpose of any of this naval activity happening in the first place? If we just left them alone, would they make the phone call and go? The fact that I’m thinking more about these things now than this movie did throughout pisses me off even further, since BATTLESHIP throws logic and reason out with the first set of explosions and hopes you’ll be distracted enough by the countless others that follow to forget they did such a thing.

Are aspects of the game weaved into the film? Of course they are, and they’re good for an eye roll a piece as soon as they pop up, from the grid that makes up the game board to the calling out of coordinates in firing upon your target to “Hit” to the ammunition looking like the pegs of the game to a variation of “You sunk my battleship.” It’s everything you dreaded when you first heard they were making a movie based on BATTLESHIP, only now it’s worse because it’s really happening.

Surprisingly Rihanna as Petty Officer Cora Raikes, the weapons technician of her particular crew, is the only member of the cast that seems credible in her role. What may have felt like gimmick casting at first winds up paying off, because there’s nothing pop star about her character. She’s a bad-arse, who is not afraid to carry a big gun and take the unnecessary fight to the aliens. She also seems to be the only cast member trying to seriously make BATTLESHIP work. This isn’t a mailed-in performance nor is it over the top. It’s what I wish the rest of the movie consisted, but sadly that's pretty far from the case.

 

 

Further compounding Rihanna being just about the only positive of the cast, she’s also the only memorable secondary character BATTLESHIP has to offer. Once again bringing up films like ARMAGEDDON, INDEPENDENCE DAY or TRANSFORMERS, those pictures had supporting cast that demanded your attention for their differences or their eccentricities or whatever it was that made them stand out. Remember Steve Buscemi straddling a nuclear weapon on the asteroid? Of course you do. You may not have remembered his character’s name, but you remember what he did. BATTLESHIP creates no such personalities. I mean, there’s big dude and spiky hair guy and Turtle from ENTOURAGE and nerdy scientist… but that’s about as much as you can recall about them, because the movie gives you nothing more to like. There are no standout moments for them. They’re just there to be there, because BATTLESHIP revolving only around a universe of about five people is apparently the line in the sand of stupidity that they’re not willing to cross.

And, in case you were wondering what the U.S. government is doing to combat the threat of alien invasion as all this is going on, let me give you the simplest answer… nothing… absolutely nothing. They aren’t scrambling jets. They aren’t readying a nuke. They aren’t figuring out how to possible break through this impenetrable wall using a computer virus or something. No… they are more than content to just sit and wait. Wait for what? Who knows? Wait for the aliens to get tired of keeping the force field up, wait for the aliens to be on their merry way, what does it matter? They don’t have a plan. They don’t have any ideas. They only have two scenes, and they’re not used to try to show some sort of fight. Nope, they’re going to sit on their hands and hope Taylor Kitsch maybe bores the aliens into surrender.

Yet just when you think BATTLESHIP can’t get any dumber… SURPRISE… it does. Yes, BATTLESHIP manages to get progressively more stupid as the film wears on, and it really reaches its peak as the third act rolls around. How so? With no more Destroyers out on the water and the entire fleet decimated, Hopper commandeers a retired Battleship that has since been turned into a docked museum, and without a crew capable of manning such an old and outdated vessel, recruits the veterans who now work there giving tours and telling of its history to get back out on the sea. Taylor Kitsch and his geriatric crew are going to save the world… and no, I am not kidding you.

 

But since that doesn’t undercut any potential threat the aliens may have had before, why not throw a cherry on top of this shit sundae by having the veteran that’s been palling around with Brooklyn Decker, who… mind you… has no legs engage in hand-to-hand combat with one of the aliens and proceed to kick his arse. Now I don’t mean to be disrespectful… but, for lack of a better term, a cripple is taking down a member of this destructive force.

Add Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Fortunate Son” to the end credits, an anti-war song in a movie that’s filled with nothing but battle and war, and you just get the feeling that not one ounce of thought was put into this thing. I don’t know if the point was to move more Battleship board games off the shelves, but it certainly wasn’t to deliver a quality movie. As a film, the only thing it successfully does is kill brain cells, so, if you’re a fan of being a drooling mess, then, by all means, spend some time watching BATTLESHIP. At least it’ll make it easy to point out the idiots of our society. However, if you have any respect at all for intelligent life, mainly meaning your own, stay as far away from this film as possible. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if just walking past the individual theatre that’s playing it made you a little dumber simply by being that close to it. If BATTLESHIP was only bad, it wouldn't be so bad. Terrible movies happen all the time. Whatever. They can't all be winners. But to be so incredibly moronic… that’s far worse.

 

-Billy Donnelly

"The Infamous Billy The Kidd"

BillyTheKidd@aintitcool.com

 

 

[SBoydW]

I had a feeling this is what it would be.

[Rufae]

Please, don't hold back..... *snicker*

 

I wonder how fast this will end up on MST3K?