Two years and counting: An Aes Sedai Introspective

[Eqwina]

Rain had been falling for more than a week, and even the bustle of Tar Valon had been slowed to a crawl. For 11 days the skies had opened without ceasing, to drown the city and bury it under a curtain of gray.  Even the Warders had ceased to practice their forms in the deluge, and the trainee’s had not left their barracks in days. The rivers had started to rise after the third day and now the first few feet of the bridges were lapped with water. The only respite that had been given was when the few sisters with the talent of Cloud Dancing had slowed the soak to a drizzle. Those few blissful hours had filled hearts  and bodies with rejoicing.

 

Several stories off the ground floor fingers drummed in time to the rain, tapping their rhythm on the casements. Dark paneled wood extended from floor to ceiling, wrapping the room in an even darker gloom. Every lamp in the space was lit and tallow candle burned on every surface, but even that couldn’t put a dent on the oppression.  Spices had been added to the fire and while the room smelled of autumn a dampness hung in the air that could not be dried.

 

Sighing for the hundredth time that day Kabria turned from the window, pulling her knee’s to her chest. In tight pants and knee high boots it was very nearly indecent, but there was no one there to see. Tucking her chin to her knees she looked through the open door, out into the sitting room where Perivar’s sword and body flowed as one; seeming to dance. All the tables and chairs had been pushed to the walls, allowing him room to move. With the Yards completely mud and the few indoor structures filled with trainee’s he’d taken to using her sitting room to practice. Ever since he’d gained the title of Blademaster his honing of his skills seemed nearly incessant. Studying him, a small jolt of fire shot through her and she smiled. She had been truly blessed in him; but not even the sweat glistening on his hard muscles could hold her attention.

 

Unfolding she scooted to the edge of the table she’d been using as a perch and paced around to the other side of the bed. Curled up, warm and content in the bed that had been made for her was a small kitten. With her green eyes closed tight her dark fur faded into the velvet on which she laid. The kitten, Chalinda, sweet girl in the Old Tongue, had been a gift from Perivar. He’d found her the second day of the rains and had been unable to leave her out in the cold. Kabria had fallen in love at first sight, and for the days since had seldom let the kitten from her site. Scooping her up into her arms, she walked back around to resume her perch by the window.

 

As the wheels of Tar Valon had ground to a halt so had the Tower. Oh, Sister’s still went about their daily lives, seemingly unaffected by the rain; but day by day the gloom sank in to more bones. Kabria could not rightly be called depressed, she simply lacked the drive to do more than sit and stare. Not even her books had been able to provide any escape. Concern was ever present in the bond now, though Perivar had not made mention of her state. She wouldn’t have stood for it, even if he had.

 

Scratching Chalinda behind the ears, Kabria speculated on her time as Aes Sedai. She’d accomplished many great things, and was slowly gaining more and more respect from her Ajah Sister’s. She had a Warder that made others jealous and in him had found the love of her life. Seemingly life was perfect, and yet she had a nagging voice in the back of her head that would not cease. The voice was never loud enough to hear and yet it was always there, incessant and persistent, as if by talking constantly it could make her understand.  She very desperately wanted to understand, to restore her inner balance and return things to how they used to be, but how??

 

Leaning back against the window frame she stared out into the dark afternoon skies, her mind aflame with the desire to understand.

 

[Sieve]

Perivar danced through the forms in the sitting room, his body and weapons flowing as one through the forms.  Beads of sweat coated his bare upper body though he paid it no mind.  He was aware of so many things yet they were distant at the same time, a result of the void.  Perivar could have been stabbed in the leg at the moment and it would seem as if it had happened to another. 

 

Perivar was one with his surroundings, one with his sword and singuata, one with everything in his vicinity but Kabria who sat staring out the window of their bed chamber.  He wished he could mask the bond like she had learned to do instead he had to keep his mind occupied with other thoughts so that he was less aware of the bond.

 

Perivar could see Kabria through the open door though at the moment they could have been miles apart.  He had not seen Kabria in a mood like this since they searched for her mother down in Tear.  Those days had been a serious strain on their relationship, not only as lovers but as Aes Sedai and warder.  There was a time that he thought she may try to leave him behind.  Kabria was so fixated on the search and confronting her mother that she would not listen to reason.  Some times you just had to let her have her way and work things out on her own.

 

Only a fool would question her about her mood now.  Perivar was accounted a fool at times though even he would only go so far.  The darkened gloom from the weather outside seemed to be holding the lamp and candlelight at bay.  Perhaps he could approach Kabria in a different manner, if he was very cautious she might not bite his head off.  If he were smart he would leave the room now and join the others training inside the Tower.  Those forced to train inside since you could barely walk outside let alone train.  Perivar hated crowded places, even worse they would be crowded places filled with trainees.

 

Propping his weapons against the wall of the sitting room, Perivar grabbed the towel hanging over the chair and began mopping the sweat from his body.  He did so as he walked into the bedchamber to stand behind Kabria.  She was back on her perch with Chalinda in her lap.  Chalinda’s eyes were closed though he knew Kabria was staring out into the misty gloom.  Kabria knew he was right behind her yet she did not turn her head to look at him, she just kept staring as if she could make it all go away.

 

Perivar placed his right hand on her right shoulder in hopes that his presence and his touch would help her relax.  It did no such thing, the bond did not change a hair.  Staring out the window Perivar finally spoke.  “You said that your sisters with the talent for working with the weather did all they could.  At least it is not pouring any longer.”  He felt her aggravation through the bond.  Was it because of his words or because the Aes Sedai could not completely fix the weather.

 

He had to proceed carefully though at times he was clumsy with his words.  At times he thought he would make a better dressmaker than he would an orator.  “What do you gain by sitting here staring out the window?  I too want to be away from the Tower but what can either of us do about the weather?  What can you do by staring at the weather that your sisters could not do with the power?  It is not like you to sit around staring out windows.  If you had a book in front of you I could understand but all you do is stare out the window and grow more frustrated.”  So much for proceeding with caution, he might as well have been charging into the blight blindfolded with no weapons or supplies.

 

[Eqwina]

In her darkest days; the days right after her mother abandoned her on the Sea Folk ship, and the day Shenesta told her that it was time she returned to the shore; she had never felt hopeless. The feeling of complete and total doom had only struck at her one other time, and even recalling it now made tears spring to her eyes. Watching Perivar walk away from her had been the worst point in her life. Until now?

 

The truly strange thing was, that she had no idea why she was feeling such despair now. Even meeting her mother again had not taken such a large toll. Closing her eyes for just a moment she strained to hear the voice in her head, wanting relief from torment. The close proximity of Perivar made him spring alive in her mind. He was no longer wrapped in the void, as cold and as distant as she was feeling without it. His concern was palpable, and she knew that her time of silence was at an end. Stroking Chalinda she didn’t move from the window; only waited for what emotions his words would bring.

 

“You said that your sisters with the talent for working with the weather did all they could.  At least it is not pouring any longer.”

 

A fire that blazed like the sun lit within her, calling up temper she hadn’t managed in days, but even that faded before it could fan into a flame. What did it matter if he thought it was the failure of her Sister’s that had her down? How could she explain to him what it was she was feeling when she did not know herself?

 

Had this been any other day Kabria would have smiled at his boldness. She couldn’t remember specifically the day Perivar had stopped walking on eggshells around her, but she did remember the many fights that it had caused, and the beautiful making up. But this day she didn’t even stir. Against her chest Chalinda mewed, but after a large yawn she was back into a deep sleep, purring contentedly.

 

“Do you truly think it’s my desire to be away from the Tower or the weather that has caused my mood?” Her voice held very little emotion, and none of the spark it usually carried. “Truly Perivar I wish it were so simple, but not even the rain or my Sister’s failure should bring on such melancholy now should it?” Confusion came through the bond and Kabria sighed. She was not in the habit of answering questions with questions, but she felt as if all the answers in the world had eluded her. How to explain?

 

“Will you put Chalinda back in her bed please?” Handing the tiny kitten over gently she got down and walked over to pour a goblet of wine. Gesturing with the craft she offered wine to Perivar as well. When she crossed the carpets to hand him his goblet, she looked up into his eyes and felt a bone deep sadness. It may have been the first time she’d looked into his eyes and felt anything but a thrill. “I do not know what is wrong with me Perivar, and you know my words for truth. I feel a..distance between us now and I have the sinking feeling it is my fault.” Walking back over to stare out the window, she stayed standing as she spoke. “I have been stuck in my own mind for so many days I can’t even tell you how long it’s been since the rain began. I doubt another person in Tar Valon lacks that knowledge. I just feel…..incomplete.”

 

“I hardly feel myself. I can’t seem to summon any passion, any fire, any rage, it is like that light has just faded away. Leaving me a dull shell of who I am and I don’t know how to get it back.”

 

Fear entered her emotions, and she clung to it, happy to be feeling anything at all. “Perhaps I have been cooped up in these rooms too long? But the idea of leaving simply doesn’t appeal to me.” Turning from the window her eyes found her Warder’s and she looked at him with pleading. “I am sorry that I cannot explain what I am feeling, perhaps being Aes Sedai is too much for me and I’ve broken under the strain? Whatever it is I know that I will need your help to find my way out of it.”

 

She never liked asking for help, but right now she wasn’t sure what else to do. 

 

[Sieve]

“Do you truly think it’s my desire to be away from the Tower or the weather that has caused my mood?” Her voice held very little emotion, and none of the spark it usually carried.  Perivar opened his mouth to speak and began raising a hand to halt her though Kabria went on before he could get a word in.  “Truly Perivar I wish it were so simple, but not even the rain or my Sister’s failure should bring on such melancholy now should it?”   Perivar never called it failure though Kabria would see it as such.  What her sisters had done with the weather was truly amazing.  The fact that it was no longer pouring was a blessing.  Only the Creator could have done more he thought.

 

Perivar was truly confused, there was something else.  He had only thrown out her wanting to leave the Tower and the poor weather as a way to get her to tell him what was wrong.  Truly he had no idea what it was.  Something was missing, something lacking, something was very wrong with Kabria.  Perivar had tried to ignore it for days but he could not do so any longer. 

 

Perivar put Chalinda back in the bed that Kabria had made for her.  Chalinda looked odd in his arms.  He did not look like he should be holding a kitten so gently.  He turned as Kabria made her way to him.  She handed him the goblet of wine then stared into his eyes.  Her beautiful green eyes lacked their usual glow causing his brows to furrow in consternation.

 

“I do not know what is wrong with me Perivar, and you know my words for truth. I feel a..distance between us now and I have the sinking feeling it is my fault.”

  Perivar reached for Kabria but his hand caught nothing but air for she had turned away and walked over to the window to continue staring out into the city.  Kabria continued her dismal words.  Perivar listened in horror, stuck in place as if he had been poleaxed.  He very nearly crushed the goblet in his other hand without realizing it.

 

Was she sick, perhaps a fever?  Or was this some ill effect from channeling.  Maybe this was a trick of the shadow.  Something from their visits to the Borderlands or the Blight.  It wasn’t common but some had returned from the Blight a shell of their former selves.  He said a silent prayer to the creator for help.  At the moment he had no idea what to do.

 

Surely she could not have broken from the strain, not Kabria, never her.  She had endured much worse in her life and had always overcome it.  How could he help her overcome this. 

 

Perivar crossed the carpets to Kabria.  Turning her away from the window he gently cradled her against his chest.  He could not stare at her face or her emotionless eyes, it was far too painful.  “What can I do to help?  I’ll do whatever it takes Kabria, whatever I can do to make it right.”  He paused unsure what else he could say.  ”I..I don’t even know where to begin.  What should I do?  Perivar had never felt so helpless. 

 

[Eqwina]

Admitting that she may have a fatal flaw, a failure that could crush her ability to be a part of her Ajah, was almost too much to bear. Kabria lowered her eyes and stared down at the Tairen carpet beneath her feet. Shame that turned her tanned cheeks pink crept up within in and she wanted to run; to run away from the shame and run away from the voice in her head and the emotions stacking up within her.

 

As quick as that, Perivar was at her side and had her head pulled against his chest. Closing her eyes she breathed deep, letting the smell of him fill her, taking strength from him and trying to feel safe in his arms. Every part of him smelled like home, and comfort, and she hated that she was making him worry for her. In the short years since they bonded Perivar had often sounded angry, frustrated, and intense, but never before had she heard hopelessness in his voice. It was enough to make her knees weak and tears spring to her eyes.

 

It was her…her own discontent and troubles that had made her Warder feel this way. How could she even be worthy of someone as great as him? He would give her the world if she asked; many times over the last year all she’d had to do was say a word and whatever it was it was done. She never had to ask, things simply were and now that was not enough?

 

She had never felt so wretched in her life!

 

Wrapping her arms tight around him she buried her face further in his chest. “Oh Perivar, I do not know. I do not know what you can do, or what can be done. I have been a fool….am being a fool and I can’t seem to stop.” The despair increased in the bond, strong enough to make a stone weep and Kabria wanted to melt into the floor. 

 

Pulling away she walked over and flopped backwards onto their bed. The soft mattress gave way underneath her, forming a cocoon around her body and she sank in. “Maybe I do need to get away. Lately I find myself longing for the water. To be on a ship again.” Certainly meeting Lone had brought up memories of her time with the Sea Folk, but that meeting has also shown her how easy it was to try and put aside her duties as Aes Sedai. That was part of the reason she had not told Perivar about it…yet. It wasn’t that she wanted to hide anything, only that she was unsure of what to say. It had been a blessing to make a friend who saw her as more than the shawl, but what did they say about her desire to be Aes Sedai.

 

Groaning she covered her face with her hands. “Oh Light! I want out of my own head!! Every thought brings me around to how much is wrong with me! I need a distraction!”

 

[Sieve]

One moment he was stroking Kabria's hair, the next he was watching her walk away from him again.  The were less than 10 feet away but at the moment they may as well have been on opposite ends of the known world.  Despair mixed with at least a dozen other emotions warring in Perivar's head.  What was he to do to break her from this mood?  His thoughts raced but nothing came to mind.

 

“Maybe I do need to get away. Lately I find myself longing for the water. To be on a ship again.”  A ship?  Confusion flowed through the bond.  Why under the light did she wish to be on a ship again?  To search for Shenesta?  He kept his thoughts to himself, now was not a time for words.  Would this be another grueling quest like the one to find her mother?  Light he hoped not, Kabria had been nearly unbearable during the months they spent looking for her mother.

 

“Oh Light! I want out of my own head!! Every thought brings me around to how much is wrong with me! I need a distraction!”  As soon as her words trailed off Perivar kissed Kabria's forehead then darted from the room.  Halfway down the hall he collided with one of the Tower's female servant's.  The poor woman bounced off his chest and would have struck the floor hard had he not caught her flailing arm.  Perivar stood her upright muttered an apology then rattled off a list of provisions to be delived to the dockmaster at South Harbor.  The woman nodded graciously as Perivar pressed a few coins into her hands then she was off.

 

Perivar set a hard pace through the Tower halls so much so that he could feel the eyes of those he passed following him obviously curious about what he was up to with such haste.  It did not take long for Perivar to reach the stables.  In moments Nightdancer was saddled and galloping toward South Harbor.

 

((OOC:  I cut it off there in case you wanted to do a little self reflection while he is taking care of business.))

[Eqwina]

She felt Perivar’s lips press to her forward and as quick as that he was gone. Kabria sat up and stared after him in amazement. It was as much emotion as she’d shown in days and he’d run for the hills. Surely he’d not been scared away? Her mind raced to think of all that she’d said and one comment seemed to be written like fire in her mind.

 

Broken under the strain….. It echoed in her mind and the tiny voice cackled with laughter. Had that been what it had been trying to tell her all this time? That she wasn’t fit to be Aes Sedai?

 

Feeling Perivar draw farther and farther away, she longed to race after him, but her knees couldn’t summon the strength. “Oh yes, tell him that you are a failure at being Aes Sedai and expect him to stay. Brilliant.”

 

Frustration and disgust hung heavy in her voice as she spoke to Chalinda, complaining about the failure she’d become. “It’s no wonder he wants to leave me. I’m hardly the woman he fell in love with and I am nothing like the Aes Sedai he dreamed he would serve. Perivar is strong and stubborn and he needs someone who can stand up to his temper. I am not that person any longer….but Light I want to be.”

In the end her voice cracked and tears started to fall down her cheeks. With one sentence she’d destroyed her life as she knew it, and still she couldn’t help but think it was nothing more than she deserved.

 

Sinking back down onto her bed she curled herself around one of her goose down pillows and continued to cry. It was nothing a real Aes Sedai would do, but could she call herself that any longer? She was a broken shell and soon to be Warderless, certianly no Green would claim her now. Perhaps she could go into retirement so as not to disgrace her Ajah or the Tower? Afterall it was easy enough to slip away and never return. 

 

[Sieve]

Perivar returned to their room in the Green Quarters, well they both saw it as such though the Tower's inhabitants would rightly point out that it was Kabria's room.  She was Aes Sedai after all and he was just her warder.  If he voiced the latter she would berate him but it was the truth.  Warders served their Aes Sedai and right now Kabria needed her warder's service more than ever.  Perivar would do whatever it took to make her right again.

 

Perivar gathered all their belongings while Kabria simply lay there with her head buried in her pillow. Stuffing the last of their items into their packs he called to Kabria.  "We are going, now" His voice echoed the strain as he buckled the straps on one of the saddle bags.  The bags were new and not yet broken in so the leather was tough to work with. 

 

Perivar looked up from the bag noticing that Kabria had not even stirred.  Standing he tossed the bag near the door then entered the bedchamber.  "You can either get up on your own and walk to the stable, or I will carry you through the halls for all your sisters to see.  The choice is yours my dear.  Either way you are going with me!"  Perivar stood at the side of the bed staring down at her with his arms folded in front of his chest as he waited for her response. 

[Eqwina]

Sobs no longer racked her body, but tears still fell in a steady stream down her cheeks. For some time she’d been able to feel Perivar moving throughout the City.  She could only imagine that he was preparing to leave, gathering supplies and closing out any accounts he had. The newly done tattoo on her back burned white hot, almost as if it were newly done. She’d gotten that tattoo as a symbol of her love for Perivar and as a symbol of their joined battle against the Shadow, now it was all for naught. It was a farce; there would be no great defeat of the Shadow…at least not by her.

 

She felt Perivar enter the Tower proper and make the long climb to the Green Ajah Quarters. As he drew closer she could feel grim determination in the bond, and it made her shiver. She could not remember the last time he’d felt so determined, except perhaps when they had faced her mother. But then he’d been determined to hold them together at all costs, who could say what his strong emotion was for now. Perhaps he was steeling himself to leave her or to ask to be released from the bond? Either way she would not fight..how could she? When she was the one who’d driven him away?

 

The door to their room swept open and hit the wall with a small thud. To Kabria’s ears it sounded like a nail being driven into her coffin. There was no doubt in her mind that she would not survive the loss of her one true love.

"We are going, now"

 

We? Did that mean he was not leaving? Surely, it had to be some trick of her mind. How could he still want her bond?

 

“You can either get up on your own and walk to the stable, or I will carry you through the halls for all your sisters to see.  The choice is yours my dear.  Either way you are going with me!"

 

The bond felt… hard and Kabria could almost see the impassable mountain her Warder was radiating. Raising her head slowly she tried to meet his eyes, but shame kept them from going higher than his chin. His arms were folded and his face was a thunderhead, but the gaze in his eyes she would not put it past him to try and carry her all the way to…wherever they were going. He had to know that she would channel to keep from being humiliated, but his determination never wavered. Pushing herself to a sitting position slowly, she tried in vain to stop the flow of tears.

 

“I c-cannot go anywhere P-Perivar. Not when I m-may bring humiliation to my Ajah and to the Tower. It is better for me to remain locked away.”

 

She tried to lie back down to bury her head and hide from the shame, but an iron grip held her shoulder in her vice.  Tense fingers dug into her shoulders deep enough to cause pain, but even as she whimpered they did not lessen. Blinking Kabria sat up very straight, and slowly began to straighten her dress. Perivar had to know that he’d hurt her, but the bond was still hard as a rock. His fingers released and Kabria stood up facing the far wall. “I will not go anywhere without Chalinda”

 

Walking to one of the large dressers lining the wall she pulled out a small wicked cage. It was tightly woven and reinforced with wood enough to be sturdy. Lifting the kitten as gently as she would a babe, Kabria placed her in the basket still wrapped in her blanket. The tiny kitten never stirred or woke. Turning back to face Perivar she tried to assume a commanding gaze, but with tear stained cheeks she fell far short. “Where are we going?” He didn’t answer, he simply took Chalinda from her and held out her cloak. Fastening the dark green cloak with a plain silver pin she pulled the hood up far enough to hide her face in shadow. If she had to walk out into public eye she would not let them see her pain.

 

“Perivar, tell me where we are going?” He still didn’t answer, he just picked up their saddle bags and started out the door.

 

“Perivar?.....Perivar?!” Following him through their sitting room and out into the hall she had to walk quickly to keep at his side. He was setting a fast pace and all she could do is glide along in her misery and hope no one else saw her shame.

 

[Sieve]

“Perivar, tell me where we are going?” He still didn’t answer, he just picked up their saddle bags and started out the door.

 

“Perivar?.....Perivar?!”  Lost in thought Perivar unceremoniously led Kabria through the halls.  For once he failed to follow her as was proper.  His mind played events of the past...a time when he was beyond despair, certain that death was the only answer.

 

---

 

How long he sat there with his eyes closed he could not tell.  When he opened his eyes the reality of it struck him like a Blacksmith's hammer.  The Tower stood over him like the Dark One laughing at his misery.  Tearing his eyes from the tower he looked down to see a woman in an apron staring at him.  "Are you alright Guardsman?  Are you ill?"  She spoke to him.  Light how long had the woman been there.  He stared at her a moment and she flinched.  Another one he thought as he winced, was everyone going to flinch from him.  She saw his wince and stepped back"No offense Guardsmen but you...you don't look well.  Should I send for an Aes Sedai, are you injured?"  More than you could imagine he thought.

 

"I..."  His throat was hoarse from the night before.  He had to work moisture into his mouth before he could speak.  "I need parchment and a pen, do you know where I can find some."

 

"Right this way, my shop is right here.  You can use what you need but you should rest.  I have a spare bed in the back room." Sliding from his saddle he followed her into the nearby shop.

 

He sat at her writing desk staring at the parchment that contained one word fiercely scribbled in bold print, Why? Perivar stared at the parchment trying to find the words.  This was not his strong point.  He was not gifted with words.  His eyes were veiled in red again as he recalled the horrific nightmare that he had returned to.

 

The pen began to move as if by itself.  He did not sign it, there was no doubt who it was from.  He sprinkled sand on the page to dry the ink then blew off the remnants.  He neatly folded the letter then asked for a candle while he addressed it to her, Kabria Delondre Aes Sedai.  When the woman handed him the candle he stared at it as if it were an adder.  "Green, how fitting" he murmured to himself then let out a sinister laugh.  The Dark One is going to torment me for the rest of my days.

 

He dropped the wax onto the letter sealing the flap.  He quickly drew one of his swords pressing the pommel to the wax.  When he looked at his family's crest in the green wax he shuddered.

 

The shopkeeper took it as a sign of the fever that he must have.  He looked like death "You should rest son." She said, the woman was old enough to be his mother after all and mother him is what she tried to do. "Let me get you some food, some soup at least and some warm blankets.  You are damp from head to toe.  Let me feel your forehead you probably have a fever.  I am going to get an Aes Sedai for you."  She turned to go though he gently placed his hand on her forearm stopping her in her tracks.

 

"No, no thank you I'll be fine." Her open disbelief was plain on her face.  Perivar handed the woman the letter and dug out a handful of silver and gold marks from his pouch.  "Please see that this makes it to the Tower.  She is an Aes Sedai of the Green Ajah."  She tried to refuse the coins but he pressed them into her hands.  "Where I am going they do not take coins, I have no use for them.  Please see that it gets into her hands, please."  He pleaded as he turned and walked away.

 

Perivar climbed into Nightdancer's saddle then stared again at the Tower as he did when he arrived over two years ago.  He sat there wondering what he had done, what was it that led him down this road to ruin and damnation.  He had done his duty yet it had cost him his heart.  Perivar spun Nightdancer in a circle before spurring him on North away from Tar Valon, away from his love...

---

 

A throat cleared apprehensively…”Your mounts are ready Perivar Gaidin”  Said the pale haired stablehand with the high pitched voice.  Luckily for the boy his voice did not match his appearance.  The boy was solidly built, like an ox he thought. 

 

Perivar took in his surroundings seeing that their provisions were already stowed on the pack horse.  “You did well Kal, as always.”  Perivar said as he tossed the lad a gold crown.  Perivar was far to free with his coins but this boy could make use of them.  Kabria would have approved.  Well had Kabria been herself at the moment she would have.  Kal was the youngest of six, all of his siblings were loyal servants employed by the White Tower.  The boy would dutifully hand over the coin to his mother so food could be put on their table.  He would have to find a gift suitable for the boy, though he would probably hock it and give the proceeds to his mother.  Another matter for a later time.

 

A pang of sadness pulsed through him, not For Kal…but for Kabria, his love.  He pushed the thought from his mind, it was almost too much to bear.  Perivar gave her a smile that was not returned.  The bond felt numb, completely devoid of the usual feelings that pulsed through it.  It was as if Kabria masked it again though in a different way.  He could sense her presence, but that was all.  If only Perivar could have done the same at times.  No use worrying over what couldn’t be mended.  He had more important matters to focus on.

 

In no time South Harbor came into view.  Perivar dismounted then held the stirrup for Kabria as she did the same.  The cowl of her cloak hid her face though he offered her a reassuring smile.  The smile was not acknowledged nor was there anything in the bond but the same numb feeling.

 

Perivar took Kabria to stand by the bow as their mounts were hoisted onboard.  Perivar stared at the clouds as if seeking some sort of a sign as the ship cast off.  Stare as he might, nothing in the clouds or their formation offered him a feeling that he was doing the right thing.  All he knew is that he had to try.  Kabria had been there for him when he thought all had been lost.  He needed her for more than he ever thought she needed him.  It was time to come through for her.

 

South they sailed down the Erinin…in search of an answer… 

 

[Eqwina]

As they passed quickly through the Ajah Quarters Kabria’s face flushed a deep crimson at the stares her Sister’s gave her. Even though they could not see her tear stained cheeks she had the feeling they knew her shame. It was the way she followed, walking as fast as she could in skirts, to keep from trailing in Perivar’s wake. It made her seem like a child on their way to a punishment, or perhaps a servant. No matter how it was perceived she was far beneath the dignity required of an Aes Sedai. Likely though her Sister’s found it amusing that she was allowing Perivar to take the lead. They always chattered that nothing good could come from allowing your lover to take the lead.

 

She released a breath she had not realized she was holding as they left the Tower proper and headed towards the stables.  Yet another sign of her unfitness for the shawl that after two years she could not control her emotions any better than a novice. Gently she pulled her hood up even farther, trusting in Perivar to guide her. With her eyes swathed in shadow she couldn’t see beyond two steps, but she kept up to his pace afraid to be left alone.

 

A throat cleared apprehensively…”Your mounts are ready Perivar Gaidin” . She lifted her head just enough to see a pail haired young man. He had to be young by his voice, but his shoulders were broad enough for an Aielman. He would make a good addition to the Tower Guards, or perhaps a Warder with proper training. The thought passed through her head in a flash and she didn’t act on it, she only stood waiting for her next instructions. If Perivar was not going to tell her where they were going she would not shame herself further by continuing to ask. Mounting Blade she took Chalinda and held her in front of her saddle as they began their slow walk through the city.

 

From the protection of her cowl she studied the faces and buildings they passed without really seeing them. They passed a building shaped like waves crashing against the shore and numbness rolled over Kabria like those waves and suddenly she was drowning……

 

The room flickered in a warm candle light, as they finished their meal in near silence.As quiet as a mouse Kabria reached up behind her back to undo the few button and let her dress fall to her waist. Glad the she had left on the short shift she let it slide down as well. With a flow of Saidar she broke the stem off the rose and tucked it behind her ear, pulling a few stands over hair over her shoulders. With an excited smile she turned her back to Perivar and then turned her head to look at him over her shoulder, the darkly beautiful rose complementing her eyes. Just above her right hip was a new addition to her tattoos, still tender from its making. It was the symbol of his house, and below in the old tongue were the words everlasting love. She still held some fear that he would not understand her gesture, but it was too late to turn back now

 

There was sadness in the bond, and something she could only call discontent. How had they fallen so far from the young wide-eyed kids, very nearly innocent and completely engrossed in their ravenous love? There had always been a wild passion between them, a wild passion within her and she could summon none of it. Not even for the memory of the first time they made love.

 

He’d helped her down from her horse and onto the bow of the ship, before Kabria could fully shake the memory of their first night. How could she recall the torrents of lust between them and find not a hint of it now? Light! What was wrong with her?

 

For a long time she stood staring out at the river as it rose and fell beneath them. The deck felt familiar beneath her feet and when she closed her eyes she could still hear Shenesta’s voice. Shouting orders and running her ship with an iron hand. Could this be the answer to her despair? Several hours passed, her cloak soaked with the spray from the river, before she retired to their rooms. Perivar was already there, sitting on the bed built into the wall; running a honing stone across his blade. When she walked in his steady motion stuttered for a moment, before resuming.

 

Laying her cloak across the only chair she stripped down to her shift and crawled into the available space on the bed. Rolling over the face the wall she clutched her pillow and tried to will away the feeling of hopelessness that welled up within her. From what she could feel through the bond from Perivar, he was near his breaking point and she didn’t know if they would last both of them breaking down.

 

She couldn't say where it had come from, but there was a tiny spark buried deep in her sorrow. If only it could be fanned into flame she would have a chance of finding who she used to be.

[Sieve]

Perivar stood on the bow next to Kabria.  The extended silence became uncomfortable even though he had learned to be extremely patient in her service.  Kabria was a Green though if you didn't know better you might mistake her for a Brown.  Kabria could sit curled up with a book for hours on end.  If not reading you would likely find her in the Tower Library or a book store.  Even during the course of their travels she would frequent libraries or book merchants.

 

The rhythmic sound of the river lapping against the ship's hull melded with the sounds of gulls circling the sails.  The crew of the ship seemed like they were running here and there haphazardly though Perivar knew there was a definate purpose to the variety of tasks being performed.  The sky was still overcast as the heavily ladened ship made it way south.  The motion of the ship was not sitting well with Perivar.  He needed something else to occupy his mind.

 

Their cabin was cramped, even with their baggage stowed there was little room to move around.  Clearly the cabin was designed for one thing, sleep.  Perivar and Kabria were used to staying outdoors or in less than luxurious establishments though this was different.  Like trying to live in an oversized crate. 

 

Perivar sat on the bed which was built into the ship's wall methodically sharpening his sword as he tried to think of a solution to their latest quandry.  The soft rasping of the wetstone caressing his blade resonated throughout the small cabin.  The sound was comforting to him yet his mind could not produce a suitable solution to Kabria's condition other than what he had already set into motion.  Perhaps he should have sought out an Aes Sedai of the Yellow Ajah.  No use second guessing his actions though he was certain that leaving Tar Valon would be a step in the right direction.  It had not had any effect on her that he could tell.

 

Kabria entered without saying a word.  The wetstone stopped on the blade momentarily as he eyed her.  Her hair was damp and her cloaked appeared to be soaked.  She went about hanging her cloak and stripping down to her shift absentmindedly.  Her fire and passion were gone.  Usually she would have a sarcastic or witty comment for him.  He missed those comments, even when they stung a bit.  It was not her being harsh it was just his overbearing pride that made him linger on the unintended jab or insult.

 

Kabria crawled into the remaining space on the tiny bed then rolled over facing the wall clutching the pillow.  Perivar stared down at her.  Fortunately Kabria did not look up, pain and despair where plainly visible in his eyes.  Perivar ran his fingers through her dampened hair for a while though neither said a word.  Standing his head nearly brushed the ceiling.  He touched her shoulder as he left uttering "All will be well my love, all will be well."

 

With his sword and singuata on his belt Perivar made his way to the deck.  He needed an outlet...

 

((Continued in the EAST))

[Elgee]

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