Coming to Terms with Life (closed RP)

[Lavinya]

Lavinya hurried through the halls of the place she called home, barely noticing the elegant tapestries and opulent decorations tucked into niches along her way. Not even a glance was spared for those she passed; on reflection she could not even say who they had been. She was shaken to the core. When would her world stop turning on its end? The meeting with Estel had been disturbing, infuriating and troublesome, and now she wanted nothing more than to retire to her apartments and think things through in solitude. Some of her suspicions had been confirmed, but that confirmation had rocked her harder than she had anticipated. Everything had changed. Everything.

 

It was a relief when the tiles underfoot changed to subtle patterns of grey and white, marking the quarters of the Gray Ajah. It was familiar, solid. Still she did not linger though, her feet swiftly taking her to the rooms she had occupied since gaining the shall all those years ago. Silently congratulating herself on the foresight of sending ahead servants to prepare the chambers, Lavinya let herself into the sitting room, closing the door behind her and sagging back against the slick wood. Sirayn was gone. And for all intents and purposes, she was dead. How could that be? The woman was immoveable as stone. Lavinya squeezed her eyes shut and pressed a hand to her temple as though to press away the beginnings of the headache slowly making taking up residence there. This had so many implications - the Amyrlin Seat, missing without a trace! - and too many of them hit too close to Lavinya.

 

There was worry of course, over the order and the secret they held, but they were secondary in Lavinya's mind, though still very real. She had been serious when speaking to Estel of damage control. But over and over, her mind returned to the problem that was Corin Danveer. Sighing, Lavinya pushed away from the door and moved into the room proper, eyes passing over the simple furnishings to focus on the sole decoration upon the sold wooden desk. There, in a simple fluted vase, rested a blood red rose. It was a simple of a life long since passed; of happier times, of a love unrequited. It was showing the first signs of degradation as the keeping weave that had held it faded, neglected by her long absence. She should dispose of it, crush it and throw it away like the foolish fantasy it symbolised, but instead reverent fingers lifted the bloom and touched it softly, remembering who had given it to her. That was the life she had come to find, the one that was lost to her. They could have been so happy together, Lavinya was sure of it. Indeed, her heart still beat with undiminished love for the man who had rejected her. She would not dispose of the rose, however much she probably should. Maybe one day she could gift it to her daughter and tell her that there was a time when her parents had been good friends, lovers - and this was the evidence.

 

With excruciating care, Lavinya rewove a new keeping weave to continue the preservation. There was no way to heal it, but she could prevent it from fading further. Satisfied, she replaced it in its vase and sat at the chair behind the desk, silently contemplating the flower. Damage control. There was so much to be done, so many answers to be found. It was tempting to just march straight to the warders' yard that instant and find Corin, but pride stilled her feet. She was not going to run to him like a desperate woman in the hope of catching a crumb, now that Sirayn was safely out of the picture. She would be no man's second best, nor would she give him the satisfaction of seeing her beg for his love and affection. She still had a little dignity. Instead, she took out paper and ink and began composing missives. Subtlety was the key, now more than ever. What if Sirayn had been quietly removed because someone had learned of her illicit ring of subjects? What if Corin was dead too? Gritting her teeth, she wrote.

 

When she was done, she surveyed her rooms with a disapproving eye. Everything was as it should be of course, and the servants had been quick about seeing it cleaned and aired. But she no longer took any joy in the simplicity of the furnishings, the lack of personal treasures and touches. It looked the room of a cold, secretive woman. What if she were to die? What would Elise learn of her mother to see these apartments? Nothing. Suddenly she hated her apartments, as surely as she hated the mess her life was in. Something should reflect who she was, not the Aes Sedai, but the woman. She was no longer the cold, shallow being that loved nothing and no one. She knew how to love, how to care. She had learned to fear, to bite her tongue and bend her knee. She no longer wanted to be alone and aloof. Another letter was hastily added to the rest for her banker, to have funds withdrawn from her accounts. At least she could control what her living arrangements were like.

 

A servant was roused to deliver the letters with the instruction to be quiet and discreet - a few added coins would ensure secrecy. It would not do for Corin to know she was enquiring after him without bothering to go see him for herself. The letter to go to Elise's carers she would take care of herself, not trusting to reveal the secret of her existence to anyone. She would keep Elise safe from the White Tower and Linten at all costs.

 

The thought of Linten snapped her out of her reverie and filled her with revulsion. No person should ever be subjected to what she had suffered at his hands. He would pay - somehow, she would see to it. Until then, sleep was to be avoided. Even with her dreams warded, she did not dare take the risk for him to find her...Lavinya's eyes widened with horror as she recalled one such meeting in Tel'aran'rhiod with the darkfriend. She had unwittingly showed him her rooms. Oh Light...she could not stay here. Lavinya's palms began to sweat at the prospect of Linten visiting these very rooms in the dreamworld...she had no idea what he could actually do, but just thinking of him here, seeing where she slept, where she lived, filled her with such dread that the urge to leave that moment was almost overwhelming. Have some control, fool woman! He cannot find you here in the waking world. But what if he could? There were asha'man in the tower; Estel had revealed that horrifying fact. What if Linten were one of them? He knew her rooms, what was to say he couldn't find them? There were plenty of unused rooms allocated to the Grays, she would move into one of those.

 

The feeling of relief at even that much brought a hint of a smile to Lavinya's lips. She would make her rooms a reflection of the woman she had become, and it would feel safe. And when she received replies to her notes, she would know better what to do about Corin, and how to tell him about his infant babe. How would she tell him? Would he even believe her? He had trusted her once; well had seemed to, he did not admit to his relationship with Sirayn, after all. If not for the woman herself revealing the truth of their association, Lavinya may never have worked out that it was the former Green that Corin had loved over herself. Had they bonded after Lavinya fled on the mission to the Black Tower? The thought was extremely depressing, but if it were so it would hardly be surprising. How could she blame Sirayn for choosing the same man for a warder that she herself had wanted? He was obviously suitable. And handsome.

 

A mental slap brought her out of her girlish daydreaming and back to the present and it's problems. There was still the issue of the order. Enquiries needed to be made, discreet enquiries. Like who of them remained at the tower? And what were they doing? Maybe, just maybe, someone knew more about Sirayn. Perhaps were even in secret contact. Estel being excluded would not be a surprise, the woman was a dangerous liability...why Sirayn had selected the severely incapable Blue to be a member was a secret to Lavinya. The earlier argument with Estel still made Lavinya scowl, the woman was too petty by far. Lavinya did not even care about Orion, not really. He was a fun way to brighten an evening, many years in the past. She was not about to dwell on what was or may have been - the future was far more important. It was time to go out and socialise with her sisters and see what could be learned.

 

Lavinya Morganen

Aes Sedai of the Gray Ajah.

Edited April 30, 2018 by Lavinya

[Lavinya]

Over the next few weeks, Lavinya threw herself head first into the task of relocating and renovating her apartments, using them as a poor distraction from the troubles that plagued her soul. All of her enquiries into Corin had returned the same reports - he had disappeared without a trace from the tower, what turned out to be a mere day or two after Sirayn mysteriously vanished, and had not been seen nor heard from since. This last blow had finally brought about a night of tears; with the morning she had woken with a new resolve and a new set of rooms. When she was able to think clearly once more, it had been easy to puzzle out a few things. Like the fact that he hadn't disappeared at the same time as Sirayn suggested he hadn't suffered the same fate. Whether that meant he was chasing her or in hiding as a result was not clear, but it was something. Many theories had come to mind, with one most prominent. They had been bonded, and he had followed. Perhaps after the bond snapped, or maybe he had been compelled to find his bondmate. Or, more disturbingly, he was in hiding as the cause of her demise. That thought she readily quenched - he had loved Sirayn, of that she was the most certain. He would sooner die himself than let harm come to a single hair on her head.

 

None of her conclusions were particularly comforting. And so she had left instructions for any news or sightings of the renegade tower guard were to be reported to herself immediately. Fortunately, many years of dalliances amongst those who served the tower had armed her with no small number of willing informants. The second he stepped foot in Tar Valon, she would know of it. Lavinya greatly wished she could do more, but what? All she could do now was wait, and surmise, and prepare her rooms.

 

It was unusual to request new apartments; most sisters took those they were given upon reaching the shawl and stayed with them until the day they died...and that was a long time coming for most careful Aes Sedai. Unusual did not mean forbidden though; Lavinya soon had herself new rooms, and she was somewhat bemused to note they were larger than what she had been given previously. Had she known, she would have moved a long time ago. These apartments consisted of a larger sitting room, with a door leading off to a small private balcony which overlooked a portion of the public gardens. Added to this was her bedchamber and another small room she intended to use for storage, or perhaps a library. Who knew? Either way she had a project, and it helped somewhat to keep her occupied.

 

Night was the worst. Despite the change in apartments, Lavinya found sleep troubling and slow in coming. Most nights she didn't close her eyes before the break of dawn, and when she did she was plagued with horrific nightmares that saw her sit awake for the remainder of the night. A good nip or two of brandy seemed to help, but Lavinya found it easier to nap occasionally through the day, and spent most of her evenings writing in a small leather-bound journal. It was the impersonality of her living space that had prompted her to start the journal, to be given to Elise should anything ever happen to Lavinya. It was a dire thought, but in the case of extreme calamity, Lavinya wanted her child to know her mother, to know of her past. To know where she had come from. Sometimes it was hard, and even at times embarassing, Lavinya taking little pride in her many masculine conquests. Deciding to pass over them all save the important ones was simply practical - she didn't have a lifetime to write. Besides, Lavinya didn't want anything to detract from the one tale of love she had to share, the love she had for Elise's father. That was important. It was also important to know how she came into the world. Writing of her experiences in the Black Tower required a good dose of brandy, but she was getting there.

 

In between hoping for any word, Lavinya shopped for furniture and decorations, all those personal touches that made her rooms into her home. It was oddly enjoyable, and Lavinya wondered why she hadn't put more thought into furnishings and less into her wardrobe years ago. Then again, her wardrobe still received considerable care. As they came together, Lavinya found more joy in spending time in her private quarters. Her desk was elegantly carved mahogany - practical yet still elaborate. A thick Tairen rug in gold and cream was spread on the sitting room floor, a light accompaniment to the dark mahogany of the comfortable chairs arranged about the fireplace and piled with embroidered cushions in hues to match the rug. Where once her rooms had been somewhat stark in their simplicity, now they were warm and lived in. Small decorative touches were placed strategically; several carved miniatures above the mantel, fresh flowers in vases in niches in the walls, delicate seafolk porcelain placed just so on the sideboard. A single red rose had pride of place in it's small fluted vase upon her desk. That, she still had not been able to part with.

 

Her bedroom was comfortable while still being opulent - crisp linens in white were tucked precisely over the thick down mattress, the blankets thick and cosy in shades from delicate silver to deep greys. Again the furniture was mahogany, and all was carved elegantly and polished to a deep shine. A tapestry hung on one wall, a vivid splash of colour with it's woven field of wildflowers. Slowly, Lavinya was stamping somewhat of herself upon the rooms, determined to be more than a passing mystery, truly known to no one and forgotten by most.

 

And still, no news had come. Lavinya refused to focus on the devastating lack of knowledge, and began focusing on reaching the other order members. That in itself was another difficult task - most of them were absent just as she had been. Jaydena and Serena were apparently away on tower business, or perhaps just ajah business - they were not together, Lavinya learned that much; Aramina was indeed missing, and aside from Estel, Lavinya only knew Eqwina, and had not had a chance to approach the yellow for any sort of in depth secret sort of discussion. She had not given up though. Somehow the problem of the disbanded order needed to be rectified. Estel was right in that so far they did not seem to have had their cover broken, but Lavinya did not want to rely on chance for her safety. Perhaps when Serena and Jaydena returned from wherever they were, they could arrange some sort of meeting. Assuming anyone would come. And still, no news had come. Oh, how she missed Elise.

 

 

[Lavinya]

For almost her entire life, Lavinya had been lectured on discretion. Almost anything could be forgiven, so long as you were discreet. We would prefer it if your kept your actions hidden. If you cannot behave with propriety, then learn to be circumspect! Always, she had figuratively thumbed her nose at such reproaches and carried on her merry way, which generally consisted of public flouting of authority. Why? Because Lavinya was her own master - no one dictated her actions save herself. She had behaved like a rebellious brat for as long as she could remember; still did, in some ways, and likely always would. But she did know how to keep her secrets when the need called for it. She could indeed be very discrete.

 

Her first visit back to see Elise proved that. In this instance, she could not be too cautious. There was no decree holding Aes Sedai bound to the ground of the White Tower, they were free to come and go. In theory. In reality, it was not always that simple, not without some kind of mission or speculation or secret Ajah business. Lavinya left without telling anyone she was leaving, or where she was going. Knowing she would only be gone a few days, there was no need to pack heavily, and with the discovery of skimming and travelling, the journey was made quicker. In the end there was no way of completely avoiding notice; the travelling grounds in the tower were open to all Aes Sedai with the ability to use them. It was extremely fortunate that Lavinya had that particular skill - it would make regular trips to Elise almost impossible. The fact that she was seen leaving the tower via a gateway did not bother Lavinya; no one knew where she was going, and she was not packed heavily enough for it to be a lengthy stay. She would arouse few questions. Which was just as well, she would give no answers.

 

It had been a heart-wrenching reunion, Lavinya choked up with emotion as she took the infant in her arms once more, kissed those rosy plump cheeks and exclaimed over how much the little one had grown. Not a great amount of time had passed, but enough for Lavinya to notice the changes in the babe that smiled and gurgled happily at being so doted on by her mother. Lavinya did not know if Elise even remembered her, but was delighted all the same at each coo or chubby fist full of red curls. Everything about her was enchanting and wonderful, even the way she mirrored her missing father. Her eyes were definitely Corin's shade of green, her nose shaped the same way. But the fiery tufts of hair - those were undoubtedly thanks to Lavinya's genes.

 

Lavinya revelled in the company. Gretha had been a good choice for carer, a homely woman with a ready smile and a big heart. Unable to have children, Gretha and her husband Lorne had seen Elise as an answer to prayer. They had accepted what little Lavinya told them, grateful enough for what they could have to not ask too many questions and obey her directions. They welcomed Lavinya into their home readily for those few days, quietly stepping back to allow her free reign over her offspring. Lavinya drank up every moment, not taking one whit for granted. This was happiness, this was life as it was meant to be. No pressing duty, no fear, no heartbreak. Just an abundance of love and joy. It was too short, painfully so, but duty could not be ignored forever. Leaving Elise had been almost as difficult as that very first time; there had been no shortage of tears on her part when she had finally found herself alone once more.

 

Her return was just as unremarkable as her leaving; no one seemed to so much as bat an eyelash. All for the good - she planned to make the trip every month or so. Any more than that was too long, Lavinya did not want to miss more of Elise's childhood than she was forced too. Being apart from her was a physical ache that was hard to suppress. If only Corin would return to avert her attention, then she may find some peace. But there was still no word.

 

It was too much, the day after returning from Elise. That there was still no word pressed on her heavily, compounding with the homesickness she felt from leaving her baby. He must be dead. He and Sirayn both. It wasn't something she wanted to believe, but it seemed undeniable, a fools hope to imagine anything different. Lavinya fell into her own private state of mourning. She scarcely roused herself from her bed, let along her apartments. Not that she managed to sleep, but because the pain in her heart was too great. To have love and lose it thus; no one should suffer as she did! That Elise would never know her father...that she had lost the one friend she had known, the one love...Lavinya grieved. Days passed, and slowly she came out of the depths of her loss, her grief a dark shadow on an already bruised soul. And still he did not come.

 

Lavinya

[Lavinya]

“He would have done his duty by you, I think,” Lavinya murmured quietly to the sweet-smelling bundle cradled in her arms. Guileless eyes of summer green gazed enraptured into her mother’s face, chubby fingers tugging at a scarlet curl. She had grown in the past few weeks, eyes brighter, limbs surer. Rocking them both slowly in the wooden chair built for the purpose, the Aes Sedai and the babe made a pretty picture of domesticity, a loving mother doting on a placid child. “It wasn’t his fault he didn’t know about you, neither of us could have foreseen the results of one lone, magical evening.” Fingertips reverently stroked the small fingers, extracting the lock of hair and replacing it with her thumb. “An evening that wouldn’t have happened, if your mother wasn’t as blinded as a novice encountering the training yards for the first time…I was very persistent and your papa, well…” she smiled faintly, ruefully, remembering the remarkably polite way he declared his surrender to her wiles, his untutored passion. Ahh, how she ignored everything in pursuit of her own selfish desires. He had tried valiantly to keep her at arms length, had tried to warn her but she had stubbornly refused to take heed.

 

“Things would have been very different, if I wasn’t. I would have kept my pride and likely not fled on that foolish mission and-“ she broke off, banishing the memories of the Light-forsaken Black Tower and the mad men it contained. Even now, something itched on the edge of her mind, like the phantom pain of a missing limb, the nagging reminder of the forced bonding she had endured, the knot of foreign emotions that had invaded her subconscious. Determinedly she ignored it all, smiling down at the little face in her arms. “You are worth it all, sweetling,” Lavinya whispered, brushing her lips over the babe’s soft brow, amusement warming her smile as little Elise took the opportunity to again fill both fists with scarlet ringlets and tug fiercely.

 

“You little tyrant,” laughed Lavinya as she sought to free herself once more, tucking those wayward little hands into the swaddle and resuming the hypnotic rocking in an attempt to lull Elise into sleep. “He would have loved you as much as I, I am certain of it.” Returning to the topic of Corin caused her heart to clench painfully in her chest, the thought of his thread cut from the pattern too soon. “In fact, I can’t help but think he would have been terribly lenient on you, little one.” One reverent fingertip brushed over golden brows, coaxing those little green eyes to close, those eyes so like her father’s. “You mustn’t blame him when you are older,” she whispered as Elise yawned drowsily, secure in the arms of her mother, buffeted by the gentle strains of her voice. “He didn’t know about you. If he did, mayhap he would have stayed, for your sake.” Lavinya inhaled deeply, absorbing the sweet scent of her daughter’s wispy strawberry tufts of hair. “I couldn’t hold onto him, but you would have, I’m sure,” she murmured, careful not to wake the now sleeping babe. “I’m sorry, Elise. You deserved better than this.”

 

Melancholy, her ever present companion returned to her in a bruising wave, an ache in her breast that stole her breath and pricked at the back of her eyes. How many tears had she shed? Bitter, salty tears of heartbreak and self-pity for the love she had lost and her foolishness in falling in the first place; tears of pain and terror as she relived the nightmares of the Black Tower and the violations suffered therein; tears of grief for an unrequited love and a child too far from her arms; tears of shame and fury at her own excessive idiocy and weakness. The one consistent contributor, direct or no, was Corin bloody Danveer. Why did he crack her open with such consummate skill so that she may be rendered emotionally defenceless? Why did he not love her as she had so foolishly loved him? Why had he cast her aside? A muscle worked in her cheek as she tried to stem the tide of her thoughts but found herself unable. He had not come to rescue her when she found herself ensnared and abused, but when one of the most battle hardened Greens who had ever lived – the Amyrlin Seat, no less – had left without him he had followed hot on her heels. Bonded to her, no doubt, heart given over to her keeping. Followed her to his own demise most likely, or perhaps a worse thought was that they ensconced themselves in secrecy and now lived out some romantic fantasy- “Hush my love, hush,” Lavinya soothed the infant that stirred in her arms as the Aes Sedai squeezed her too tightly in her agitation.

 

Forcing herself to relax, she resumed her rocking, humming softly, flashes of times past stirring behind her closed lids, refusing to leave her in peace. “I will not leave you to fall alone Lavinya. I can not.” Ahh how sweet was that lie, how desperately had she clung to the belief in vain. She had fallen to depths before unimagined, and she had done so alone. Utterly, terrifyingly alone. Women like Lavinya did not earn the dedication and devotion of men, only their lust, ire and irritation. Would that she had not opened herself to such hurt, she may have never felt the keen blade of rejection, content to continue in the cold, lonely but safe world without strings or deep emotion. Self-pity churned her, and so too did she revile it, her weakness, the self-indulgence. It was time to put off such vanities, to resume the mantle of responsibility and ignore the yearnings of the woman. Aes Sedai always; a fool’s notion to think she could hide from it and be something so simple as a woman and now mother.

 

It was cool detachment and impenetrable Aes Sedai serenity that masked her as she again took her leave of the soft, warm bundle she called daughter, effectively masking the pang that struck her with each leave-taking. Aes Sedai were not mothers in the traditional sense, she had a greater duty to the Tower and those it protected. As she stepped through the gateway, away from that other life that could not be, her eyes took in the shining walls of white and she steeled her heart and her spine. There was no point in reliving the stolen moments of the past when he was lost to them all. Duty, heavy as a millstone, that was her lot.

[Lavinya]

Lavinya chafed at the bonds of duty, more than she ever had before. What was the point of it? What was the point of any of it? Hours turned into days and routine which she had lived out for countless years now rubbed her raw and grew stale. What she struggled with was her own awakened self, a double-edged sword of blessing turned curse. She was not endowed with grand compassion and love for mankind to throw herself wholly into the task of protecting the nations, and she certainly had no great fondness for the flitting and preening of little novices and accepted to dedicate herself to their tutelage. Where once she was drawn by power and intrigue and the appeal of position, now it was hollow and distasteful - what was the point of accomplishment, of power, of good deeds without someone to give it meaning?

 

A scowl furrowed her ageless brow as she glared about her, as though the meticulously cultivated gardens she meandered past were the source of her irritation, but in reality she paid no heed to her surroundings, only her churning thoughts. How did other people return to reality after horrors endured? Did they simply pick back up where life had left off? How she would love to do that, to resume her fickle yet empty life, where her only cares were garnering personal power and indulging in the occasional dalliance - both serving to gratify her ego. Now...now the first, she didn't like to admit to emotions that hindered that ambition. Fear. Weakness. She had been so pathetically helpless, so blindly foolish, how could a woman like that demand respect or hold power in her hand? A fraud, that was all she would be and where once she did not care, now she did. Unwillingly, for ignorance would be so much easier to bear, but care she did.

 

As to the second...with a deep, melancholy sigh, the diminutive figure slipped onto the familiar rock, dappled sunlight filtering through the canopy high over head of the Ogier Grove. Time and time again she found herself here, whether by design or aimless wandering, still her feet led her here, to the scene of her greatest joy and deepest folly. Hands touched the rough surface beside her almost reverently, a bittersweet smile tugging at her compressed lips. It was absolutely absurd to think she no longer had any interest in lovers - indeed she would not believe it of herself were she an outsider. There was the scars unseen from that madman, yes, but there was more than that. Indulging in a casual flirtation had felt like ash in her mouth and she had walked away from the bewildered young man, surprising them both. It was so....empty. Fake. Wrong. She no longer wished for a brief warm presence in her bed, what she ached for was forever denied her.

 

Elise Danveer. An unexpected and most treasured piece of the past, that was why she continued day after day - dragging her feet and mulling miserably - but still she went on. Surely the heartache would fade someday, be no more than a distant memory, much like the night of that blessed conception was becoming. She was understanding better why so few Aes Sedai bothered with such fleeting fancies as love and romance, but it did not make her feel their absence any less. It was a cold, lonely life in the tower. The ecstatic joy of wielding the One Power, wrapped up in a loveless, impassive shell. What a different life she had dreamt of! One of authority and wisdom and might, counselling Kings and Queens and negotiating elaborate truces between warring nations, surrounded by a bevy of attractive and well-honed admirers and a following of awed and obedient Aes Sedai. Ha! The idiocies of youth had stayed with her longer than they rightly should have - she was indeed double the usual fool. More than double, given how she still yearned for the love of a man who by all accounts must be dead.

 

What sort of Mother will you be, endlessly moping? She chided herself, pushing the image of smiling emerald eyes of her mind yet again and rising from where she sat. Hot on the heels of her mental berating came another chastising thought - "Not much worse than an absent mother already is." It was truth indeed, though a painful one. Her daughter would know love, she reminded herself, and would grow happy and free of the failings of her mother. She would want for nothing, and for as long as she was welcome Lavinya would visit her when she could, would tell her in person that Elise was loved and wanted. It would have to be enough, Light grant it be so.

 

Saidar is a better companion than any ham-fisted man-child, anyway, she thought with a flash of her old humour tinged with wryness, ignoring the whisper of memories when she could not, damning them to the pit of doom itself. Repress, repress, repress. That would be her new motto. Banish the memories of the past, focus on the days ahead. The cold, pointless, monotonous days ahead. She stifled a sigh as she re-entered the tower, instead snapping her fingers impatiently at a dawdling novice barring her path to move herself out of the way. She simply must find something to occupy her days - and her dream-blighted nights or she may go as mad as an asha'man herself. 

[Lavinya]

The lack of definitive conclusion as to Corin's whereabouts was like an irritating itch between Lavinya's shoulder-blades; it inflamed and annoyed, and there was nothing she could do to assuage it. She had mourned for him privately - and still did - presuming the worst scenario; his thread cut from the pattern. And yet there was no certainty despite the extreme likelihood he was deceased, and it soon became too infuriating for her to ignore.

 

Another night terror had woken her; she should have known better than to try and sleep so close to dusk but Light knew she was tired. It was during the long hours when the world is still but the spectres roam that she finally grew tired of the itch and determined to resolve it, one way or another. Her contacts within Tar Valon were considerable, she was already certain she'd know it if he stepped foot in the city long before he reached the White Tower. But what of outside it? Too narrow, her view had always been too narrow and her conscientiousness in developing such a network had been sorely underwhelming. Perhaps she should work on it, broaden her eyes and ears. Whatever had happened to him, she wanted - no needed - to know.

 

It proved a surprisingly pleasant distraction from her woes and a direction for her energies that was nothing like the pity-party she'd been revelling in for so long. Utilising the network of her Ajah was a logical starting point and it was actually satisfying to make use of her skills, those which had been honed and expanded in pursuit of the grey shawl, and ever since. There was a fine line, betimes, between mediation and manipulation and it was a subtle blend of the two that saw her unseen web grow, contacts and informants expanding beyond the closer townships and beyond into other nations. It was hardly a rival for the intricate networks already in existence that danced to strings tugged within the White Tower, but it was nonetheless pleasing.

 

It was due to these informants; and they, who spoke to others, and others further still - that Lavinya first heard a glimmer of news. Like a whisper passed down too many times she did not trust it entirely, but perhaps there was something of use in it - mercenaries, in the blight. It wasn't unusual for raiding parties to foray into the blight but it was hardly the sort of thing mercenaries would do, unless hired or coerced for a mission. Intrigued, she set the slip of paper to one side, a much smaller pile than the one occupied by what she deemed as useless to her search. Still, there were one or two more rumours she had thought worth further consideration. It wasn't much, but it was something and her heart latched onto it like a life line while hope, dangerous, cruel hope, flared within her breast. 

 

It felt that a lot of time had passed, since her return to the tower, though it had been scant months. She had been through so many emotions - uncertainty, resolve, desolation and grief, to stoic determination and always, always, a lingering loneliness as she ached for her child, for companionship. She was growing better at hiding it, her Aes Sedai serenity returning like a mantle and hiding the inner chaos from the outside, repressing those memories and emotions which were best kept hidden, if not entirely squashed. It was hard to keep her wayward heart in check as more snippets passed her way, more clues and whispers. A man, with a death wish. Brown hair and green eyes, determined to find someone or something, they weren't sure entirely. Wild looking and filthy, lone stranger passing through a village. Close to Tar Valon. 

 

Fingernails drumming on the lacquered table top, Lavinya frowned at the latest missive, a grimy little piece of parchment slipped into her pocket by a filthy urchin. Absently she wiped her fingers on her skirts, as though they picked up the grime of the messenger from the paper. Something about it caught her eye and held it, though she wasn't sure what. She'd had similar reports in the past few weeks and they had all come to naught - a deranged man, a homeless woman was another...chiding herself for being ridiculous, Lavinya dropped the note and snapped closed the lid on the little silver box, hiding the notes within and protecting them with a simple but nasty little weave. She would not get her hopes up, no she would not, wretched betraying heart, until she heard word from a first hand account in Tar Valon. Then and only then would she believe he lived. Light, he had to be alive.