A talk of Warders (atten Lor)

[Rasheta Ardashir]

Rasheta was feeling a little strange almost as though she was betraying the memory of her departed warder by bonding Dante. She sighed she hadn't felt bad at the time and Dante was a good choice when it came to that. She rolled over in her bed and stared at the window, it was dark outside and she was sure most of the tower was sleeping, she could tell that Dante was. She slipped out of bed and pulled on a shawl and quietly left her rooms she would just have a walk around the tower and see if that couldn't calm her down some and help to straighten out her thoughts.

 

Rasheta passed Jade's door and remembered the talk the two had about Dante. She had insisted that Rasheta bring Dante to see her and then had seemed surprised at first when Rasheta had showed up. Rasheta couldn't really be that surprised she was notoriously uninterested in the Gaidin since Adrain had died. She sighed and noticed something a little odd Loraine's door was open and Rasheta could see light spilling out into the hall. It was not unheard of for the Greens to simply leave there doors open but it was a little late and usually the sisters left there doors closed at night. Rasheta hoped nothing was wrong she went and knocked softly on the door getting Loraine's attention. Rasheta smiled at her and pulled the shawl closer around her.

 

"I did not mean to disturb you." She smiled a little and continued "I just saw the door open and was worried something may be happening to you and came to offer my help if you needed it." Although now she thought about it Loraine had been bonded for a very long time and it could be helpful to speak to her about Dante. She smiled wider and asked quickly.

 

"Would you mind terribly if I came in and spoke to you for a moment. I'm having trouble coming to terms with bonding a new warder. I feel like I've betrayed my old one." She paused. "I don't know if you can relate." She said smiling "You've been bonded a long time to yours but any help would be wonderful to ease my mind."

[U4ea]

Loraine shuffled the little pieces of notes around on her desk again, trying to make sense of the bits of information they held. Kynwric had taken a few trainees into the woods for the night, so she was alone. He was having a good time, which made her wonder how many bruises the trainees would come back with. The thought made her lips twitch and a knock on the door brought her head up. She started at first, having forgotten that she'd left the door open. Then she saw the time and sighed at herself. Where had the night gone?

 

She smiled at Rasheta and stood, moving away from her desk towards her. "You're not bothering me in the least, Sister. I would be delighted to talk to you, regardless of what it's about." She motioned towards the little arrangement of couches and chairs that clustered around the fireplace. "Come in, please, have a seat! Would you like some wine? Tea?"

 

She moved to the sideboard and poured a cup for herself and another of what Rasheta requested before returning to her guest and sitting down. "Now, you said you feel like you've betrayed your previous warder? He died along the Blight, didn't he? Please don't take this as prying, but what kind of relationship did you have with him? How does it relate to your relationship with your new warder?"

 

She'd bonded Dante, then? Loraine felt her lips curve into a smile. Good! she thought. I didn't scare him away, after all!

 

~Loraine

[Rasheta Ardashir]

Rasheta smiled when Loraine offered her tea and then simply went about getting her a cup. Rasheta liked Loraine, she was a sister before Rasheta had taken her oaths and had been away with her own warder. Despite the fact that she had only just returned and Rasheta had only spoken to her a few times she liked her. Loraine spoke then

"Now, you said you feel like you've betrayed your previous warder? He died along the Blight, didn't he? Please don't take this as prying, but what kind of relationship did you have with him? How does it relate to your relationship with your new warder?"

 

Rasheta sighed, and answered "Yes Adrian died to protect me and several others. I suppose if that is the way you meet the creator then it is a good way. He told me that he always knew I would outlive him. It was still a blow to my  heart though." She sighed and then took a sip of tea.

 

"Adrian and I were married, and I loved him very much. I still do not know if I can find someone that matters that much to me. Still," She said "I need a warder," She thought of Visar and added "Or two, in order to watch my back the Last Battle is coming and I will need all the help I can get." She shook her head adding "not that I think any of us will survive it. However, like all the Greens I will be ready."

 

She took another sip of tea and added "This ramble isn't helping," She thought for a moment. "I think that Dante is handsome, I watch him sometimes." She shook her head. "This makes me a little nervous because while I know Adrian would not want me to suffer on my own I did love him a lot." She shook her head and added is any of this making sense?"

[U4ea]

Loraine smiled, her thoughts shifting to the new ring on her finger and to the Warder who seemed to be trying to relax. Or... trying to get her to relax. "Love is a strange thing," she said softly. "I don't think I'll ever have another warder, no matter how the Last Battle pans out. My husband," she slipped the word in, knowing Rasheta would pick up on it. "has been my only love and will most likely die beside me when the day comes. I don't envy you having survived the loss of a love like that."

 

She set her tea aside and folded her hands in her lap. "Even with Sisters who've lost their warders and did not feel so strongly about them, it's difficult to move on and bond another. To throw in that added layer of a relationship would make the new bond harder to accepted, I can well imagine." She paused and tilted her head, her face expressionless. "Is it your love that you feel like you're betraying? Is that, perhaps, because you feel those emotions stirring for Dante and you fear losing him, too?"

 

~Loraine

[Rasheta Ardashir]

Loraine spoke a little of her husband and Rasheta smiled into her tea. She hadn't known Loraine would marry her warder but she wasn't overly surprised many of the Greens did end up with warder husbands. Rasheta would never regret marrying Adrian even though till his dying day he always said she would have to learn someday to live without him as he always knew she would outlive him. She tried not to remember that last day it was difficult but she pushed the thoughts away and focused on what Loraine was telling her

"Is it your love that you feel like you're betraying? Is that, perhaps, because you feel those emotions stirring for Dante and you fear losing him, too?"

 

Rasheta blinked for several moments in surprise and then stared down at her tea and sighed. "Maybe," She said softly. "I can't really say I have only known him for awhile yet and we've only been friends for possibly a month or so. He hated me when we first met." She didn't smile but amusement slipped into her voice. "I seem to have that effect on my warders Adrian was the same." This time she did smile and then she asked Loraine two questions.

 

"Have you ever been bonded to another?" She paused and shook her head "No no you wouldn't have been. I remember hearing he was your only one." She sighed and asked her other question. "Do you think its possible to be happy again?"

[U4ea]

Loraine smiled, hearing the hopeful note in Rasheta's voice. "I will tell you that I feared the loss of my happiness once. It was a terrible time, where Kynwric and I were separated by an evil that frightened me so much that I was willing to give my life to make sure he escaped from it. He left me, then, because I pushed him to. Somehow I managed to convince him that I no longer wanted him." She sighed and closed her eyes. That time was so long ago, but it still cut her to the bone. "He found comfort in the arms of another. I knew it and it was nearly my undoing. When..."

 

She paused and collected herself again, opening her eyes and focusing on Rasheta again. Her eyes were emotionless and heavy. Even she felt it. It was how the memory still made her feel. Odd that a memory had so much power in the face of all the happiness that had come since then. "When I lost our child because of the torments I was put through, I thought surely there would be no happiness for me ever again. I hated everything and everyone, especially myself. I withdrew from all of it and the only person who pulled me through it was Kynwric. He'd come for me, knowing the truth of my deception. Later, I would feel his guilt as my own, but I had enough guilt and anger built up that I could feel nothing else. There, in the most ugly moment of my life, the Light still touched me. In my darkest hour, it warmed the coldness creeping into my heart and pulled me from the depths of despair."

 

She stopped and sighed, shaking that memory off. "You ask whether it's possible to be happy again and I will tell you that it is possible. The only thing keeping you from it, at any time, is yourself. I'm sorry if that sounded preachy. It was a horrible time for me. No, I've never lost a warder, in truth, but that's how close I came to losing my love. Worse, I did the pushing and had to accept the consequences of it. That's the pain that never goes away. It's a wonder he ever forgave me for that..."

 

~Loraine

[Rasheta Ardashir]

Rasheta listened to Loraine speak and saw on her face the same kind of emotion that Rasheta wore shortly after the death of Adrian. She couldn't blame Loraine for being upset remembering about the bad time in her life. Rasheta was a little surprised that Loraine's warder, Kynwric she vaguely remembered his name to be, didn't appear in the room wondering what had upset his Aes Sedai so much. Adrian used to do that to Rasheta he would find her wherever she was and start arguments with people if they had made her angry. It was a silly thing to do but it had amused her. Several times she had come out of the hall to find Adrian being held in the hallway by air his eyes angry and when she had had him released he had given her a lecture so stern she had to keep herself in check in the hall from then on or risk finding Adrian there. She actually smiled again at her thoughts but stopped it as it would be rude to smile at what Loraine was telling her. She smoothed her features and paid close attention to the other Aes Sedai. She could learn a lot from her.

 

Rasheta felt tears in the back of her eyes as Loraine finished her story and she looked at her tea cup to get herself back under control. "Thank you for being so honest with me Sister." She said quietly. She took a deep breath and looked up continuing with a quiet voice. "Sometimes I forget that others know the same pain I do but in different ways." She shook her head. "I have suffered in silence believing no one would understand." She smiled ruefully. "I have been a fool but of the talk of Warders." She tilted her head to the side thinking and asked curious.

 

"What would you suggest I do in order to regain happiness?"

[U4ea]

Loraine nodded at Rasheta's admission that she'd been forcing herself to go through her pain alone. She paused before she answered her, though. "I think you've already started," she said softly. "In order for me to get out of the pit I was in, I had to want to. If you didn't want to, you wouldn't be here, concerned about it, would you?"

 

Loraine smiled, then. "From there, the words are simple, but the actions are not. I had to ask for help. There was only one person who could help me, and that was the man I'd treated so horribly. It was a slow, ugly process and I had days where I let myself sink back into that place again. The biggest problem, though, was me admitting to myself that what I did was just, that what I did kept us both alive. I had to give myself permission to move past it, to get back to my purpose and my reason. I'm not the same person I was before it happened, I know I never will be. I am a better person for it, though."

 

She took a sip of her tea and focused on Rasheta again. "In your case, you get to skip all the way to forgiving yourself and moving on. I don't expect it will be easy and you'll know it's time to really move forward when you think of Adrian with a smile, rather than with the survivor's guilt you're carrying around, now. Ask yourself this: What would he want me to do? Would he want me to be happy with someone who makes me smile or would he want me to keep myself for his memory? I'm pretty sure you already know the answer to that question, since I saw that smile making your lips twitch. The key is to ask yourself that question every time you feel that guilt eating at you. When you look at Dante and start feeling guilty... ask yourself whether it's what Adrian would've wanted for you. From there, it's just getting used to the idea that you've got someone else in your head who knows what you're feeling, again. It'll never be the same, you'll never be the same, but it doesn't mean it's a bad thing. Right?"

 

~Loraine

[Rasheta Ardashir]

As Loraine spoke Rasheta smiled even though she tried not to, the older sister was giving her a kind hearted lecture and Rasheta deserved it. She also was glad for it, while all the Aes Sedai thought they were all that was wise sometimes you had to admit that you weren't and allow someone to help you. She put her cup down and waited for Loraine to finish. When she asked her a question Rasheta smiled openly for the first time.

 

It'll never be the same, you'll never be the same, but it doesn't mean it's a bad thing. Right?"

 

"Your right Loraine, things will never be the same but moving on is a good thing as well. I wish I had been pushed into it sooner." She stood up and yawned. "thank you Loraine I feel  better now and it seems I'm very tired." She smiled and bent and hugged the other Green. She usually didn't touch people but she felt the other deserved it and it was nice to give someone a hug. She'd been on her own for so long and totally unemotionally attached for too long. She stepped back and added in an amused whisper. "Take care of your husband. A man finds out what he's made of married to a Green." She winked and turned and went back to her own rooms. It had been a long day.

[U4ea]

Loraine nearly jumped in surprise when Rasheta hugged her, but she returned the hug with the intent it was given. She smiled at Rasheta's advice and shook her head. "I'm afraid I shall be knocking on your door once or twice to see how you managed it." She laughed. "I fear he's already getting a big head."

 

She wished Rasheta a good night and returned to her chair after closing the door. It was a while before she turned to her lonely bed, for thoughts of what she must be going through coupled with what the future must hold for herself kept her away until nearly sunrise.

 

~Loraine

 

*grins* that was fun! :D