A New Leaf?? Surely not! (Deannes monologue)

[Kara_J]

Deanne fled from the Mistress of Novice's study in tears, clutching her braids to her chest. In all her short life she had never been humiliated as much as she had been since she joined the White Tower. She flinched whenever she had to go past anyone, whether they were a servant, an Aes Sedai or an Accepted. She dared not stop, not even to curtsy when she should have, but simply fled as fast as she could through the long corridors towards her dorm room she shared with Esther and Kiyisalle, longing to shut herself away from the prying eyes and the embarrassment. Never before had she had to face a personal humiliation and deprivation such as this.

 

The journey to her room had never seemed so long or so painful. She was convinced that everyone she passed en route was staring at the snivelling bald novice wearing a bloodstained tunic, though she wasn't far from the truth of it. Many that had seen the apparition fly by had had some dealings with Deanne before and most thought it was a good comeuppance for the hassle and the annoyance she had caused them. A few wondered what she had done this time to merit such a punishment but most thought that, whatever it was, it must have been deserved.

 

The fact that there was now a bald Accepted wandering around the Tower as well gave Deanne no comfort whatsoever. She blamed Jasmyne wholeheartedly for her current predicament. It was all her fault. She was an Accepted and should have known better!  Finally a grateful Deanne stumbled into her room and threw herself down on the bed, sobbing anew in a fresh fit of misery and self pity. Thankfully both Kiyisalle and Esther were out at classes, Deanne couldn't bear the thought of them gloating at her in her abject misery, as she was certain they would have done.

 

Eventually her wracking self pitying sobs grew less and she rolled onto her back to stare at the ceiling, still clutching those precious braids of hers. She clung to them like a lifeline, couldn't bear let go of them for fear she'd lose them. Eventually she roused herself enough to locate one of her sashes and wrapped them carefully before sliding them under her pillow. Laying once again on her bed she started to think on what had happened to her since she'd joined the Tower. All of her actions and her countless cutting, sarcastic and  vicious remarks came back to haunt her. At first she dismissed them, telling herself that she had been misunderstood, had been provoked into saying those horrible things, or into smacking Esther like she had.

 

But as the hours wore on and she began to hear the novices returning and leaving again for other chores or classes she thought on how they acted around her, many simply ignored her and a fair few openly disliked her. This was a new concept to Deanne..not the fact that people didn't like her,  she'd experienced that kind of thing before and it had never bothered her. No, this new concept that Deanne had found was that she had started to care what people thought of her. Not only the men she flirted with, on the very rare occasions when she could, but what her fellow novices and her room mates thought of her. She realised, after thinking about it, that Kiyisalle managed to tolerate her, something she suspected was due to her upbringing, but Esther openly disliked her and had no qualms about showing that fact.

 

Deanne started to cry again, more self pitying tears rolled down her face and she buried her head in the pillow and, after a long exhausting cry, she fell asleep. She never heard her exhausted room mates stumble in and fall asleep in the dark, nor did she wake when they arose in the grey morning light. They didn't wake her, having got resigned to Deanne's lazy ways, although they couldn't help but wonder at her lack of hair, commenting softly between themselves and then leaving to see if anyone else knew why she was now bald.

 

Deanne awoke with the weak winter sun shining straight into her face, having forgotten the previous days events for a brief moment. Then memory quickly returned to her as she sat up and her braids no longer framed her face or fell across her back and shoulders. Her eyes filled with tears but she swallowed hard and forced herself to look in the mirror.

 

A very different face looked back at her. Her eyes were reddened and puffy, her cheeks tear stained and, most noticeably, her braids, her pride and joy had totally gone. Not even a wisp remained. Despite her upset, Deanne couldn't help hear a small voice wondering how Larindhra had managed to get the results so even.

 

Laying back in bed, Deanne thoughts turned back to her musings the night before. It all seemed clearer now. People were being horrid to her. Well that was up to them. Deanne decided she was going to turn the other cheek and be really nice. That'll show them! They wouldn't know how to handle that, she was sure. She didn't stop to consider that being nice or friendly might help to make her friends or that her fellow novices might see her in a more favourable light. The only result she could see coming out of her changing her attitude was that more people would take her side against the “bullies” as she saw them.

 

Her mind set, she washed her face and head, not without a grimace, put on a clean tunic and, after ensuring her bed was made and her braids were still where she'd left them, set out to her next class. She'd just make it on time. Head held high, she ignored the stares and forced herself to smile at whoever crossed her path, with the proper curtsy where needed. She was so convinced that the shocked murmurs and looks were due to her bare scalp that she didn't even entertain the notion that it was her smile and remarkable change in attitude that was causing the stir. Continuing through the halls she went into her class....

 

 

Deanne Heillan

Changing her ways?