Morning Meetings {Attn: Arath}

[TaiDashan]

Tai woke up and glanced up at the window noting the faint light from outside. So he hadn't slept much. After last night he didn't expect to. What was Arath thinking bringing that woman into their home? She seemed to be a friend. Tai searched the events of last night, trying to find where he had heard it. He thought back through the whole thing again. The bucket, the sword, Michelle scrambling through Arath's door, the confrontation. Tai winced as he recalled his mentor's words.

 

Sighing, he rose and scrubbed his teeth with salt and ran a hand through his hair. Tai glanced at his reflection and a shiver ran through him. Who was he becoming? the madness had affected him there was no doubt. He heard a voice in his head dark and vile. These were points he could not argue but last night... Last night, wrapped in Saidin he had started thinking like that voice. Most of his teachers cautioned him that he pushed himself too hard, did too much. But he had learned a great deal and come very far in the power. It came at a price though, he had Channeled Saidin so much during his time here over the last year that the Taint had started to affect him greatly as well. But he wanted more, wanted to be the best. To be strong for the Last Battle.

 

~The truth is you are afraid you will die.~ Whispered the voice. ~You are terrified of what will happen when you face a Fade, or worse.~

 

Disgustedly Tai shoved away the thought. He walked to closet, quickly shedding his small clothes in the cold morning air. Changing into a fresh pair and donning his black velvet coat he sighed and paused, resting his hand on the closet door. What could Arath want? That he was in "trouble" Tai did not doubt. His behaviour last night was flat rude and uncalled for. The woman had gotten under his skin when he should have had more civility and control than to let her.

 

~Light you apologized boy! You apologized and she blew up quicker than a hen under a bucket of water!~

 

Tai sighed again and slammed the closet door shut. He was very nearly ready for Asha'man, Arath had said so himself. Tai was concerned that his episode last night was a prelude to a further lack of control. It scared him half to death that he may be go mad any day, but it was the only way to become ready for what was to become. Talk about being stuck between a wall and a rock! Frustrated, Tai slipped his out his door cautiously. He peered outside into the hall and stepped out feeling foolish when he realized he was checking for michelle. There was nothing for it now but to go down to Arath's office and face what was coming. Arath would be down there waiting if he knew the man.

 

~They say that the Dark one will give you protection from the taint~ The voice whispered. Tai shuddered and angrily shoved the voice away. Desperately he hoped that there was some way under the Light that he could survive. Survive long enough to be of some good against the Shadow. Slowly, Tai walked down the stairs to Arath's study with a heavy heart.

[Arath Faringal]

Arath organized the messy pile of papers that had accumulated on his desk over the last week while he waited for Tai to come down.  Where on earth did all of it come from?  He briefly considered setting fire to the whole mass, but quickly dismissed the thought.  He'd only have to fill it all out again later.

 

He had just about finished when the door cracked open and Tai'Dashan's head poked around the corner.  Waving the Dedicated in, he motioned him to take a seat.  Sitting on the corner of his desk, he took a good look at his mentee before speaking.  He seemed nervous.  "So."  Arath paused for a moment, thinking.  "Wanna tell me why you came in so late?  And looking as though you had rolled through a mud puddle?"

[TaiDashan]

Tai knocked softly and poked his head into the door. Arath noticed him and waved him in. He took a seat, chewing his underlip nervously. What could the man want? Now was no time to wonder, what was done was done.

 

"Wanna tell me why you came in so late?  And looking as though you had rolled through a mud puddle?"

 

That was all? Tai paused a moment before answering, thinking that there must be more. But Arath seemed content to wait for a reply.

 

"I was out training and I sat by the river to read. I must have been fairly tired as I fell asleep while reading. I did not wake until evening and by then it was full dark." Tai gazed at Arath for a moment before gazing out the window.

 

Tai wondered briefly what the man would make of the "training" comment. Whether Arath thought he meant sword or Saidin, the man never let on. Tai wanted desperately to tell the man, about the voice, about his fear. They were friends after all. But even friends did what they must. If he confided in Arath about the madness he very well might have poison in his wine by sundown.

 

~They will NEVER take us!~ Tai ignored the voice.

 

Tai had been in the tower close to a year now, he had seen it happen to others. The unlucky ones who did not fare so well with the madness were quietly slipped something in their wine before they could be a danger to the others. Tai wondered what it was like, if the death was quick or not, and fought the urge to cry. Surely Arath was friend enough to bury him in his clearing at least. The one place here besides his home that he had come to feel safe in. He had to be friend enough for that if nothing else. Blinking back tears before they could form he focused on Arath once more.

[Arath Faringal]

Arath frowned as Tai spoke.  Training.  He had been doing an awful lot of that lately.  More than Arath could safely allow.  Training at the Black Tower was already a dangerous thing, where the students were pushed to their limit.  Pushing yourself further was asking for a burn out.

 

He watched Tai for a moment, wondering what was going on in the other man's head.  He seemed upset, though he did a fair job of hiding it.  There were signs though.  Rapid blinking, slight quivering.  With a sigh, Arath spoke.  "Training.  Tai, you know what I've said about over extending yourself.  You're given more freedom to study what you want as a Dedicated, but that doesn't mean that you should push yourself that much harder.  Light, the death rate among trainee's is already high enough without people intentionally pushing themselves over their limits.

 

"There are acceptable losses here at the Black Tower, and there are unacceptable losses.  Acceptable losses, or perhaps inevitable losses, are those that we can't control.  The soldier who goes mad after his first brush with Saidin, or the man who burns himself out through the regular training regiment.  Unacceptable losses are the fools who try so hard to become the best or the strongest at the Tower, and kill themselves or others in pushing themselves too far.  I spend a great deal of time trying to stamp out the later of the two."  He stared Tai in the eye, making sure that his message was sinking in.  "I will not allow you to be one of those."

[TaiDashan]

Arath frowned, and suddenly it was that much harder to hold back the tears. The genuine concern mixed with hard determination on the man's face was hard to see. Arath sat and thoughtfully looked at him, making him almost uncomfortable.

 

Like a bird studying a worm. He thought absently.

 

"Training.  Tai, you know what I've said about over extending yourself.  You're given more freedom to study what you want as a Dedicated, but that doesn't mean that you should push yourself that much harder.  Light, the death rate among trainee's is already high enough without people intentionally pushing themselves over their limits."

 

~So the man presumes to treat you like a child does he?~

 

"Give over" Tai's lips barely moved when he realized he was very nearly responding out loud to the voice.

 

Light! He thought, terror flooding his thoughts. Here I am terrified to speak of the maddness to my closest friend and all but betray myself! His lips had barely twitched, there was no real forming of words. If Arath noticed, he would likely think it a simple facial expression. Light send it was so. His thoughts snapped back to reality as he realized Arath was speaking again.

 

"There are acceptable losses here at the Black Tower, and there are unacceptable losses.  Acceptable losses, or perhaps inevitable losses, are those that we can't control.  The soldier who goes mad after his first brush with Saidin, or the man who burns himself out through the regular training regiment.  Unacceptable losses are the fools who try so hard to become the best or the strongest at the Tower, and kill themselves or others in pushing themselves too far.  I spend a great deal of time trying to stamp out the later of the two." 

 

So Arath feared he was one of those fools did he? Afraid that Tai simply wanted to become the best or the strongest? To show up those around him? Tai met Arath's gaze as he vied not to allow him to be one of those, and then turned to stare back out the window as he spoke.

 

"You simply do not understand." It was a struggle to keep the emotion out of his voice. Mechanically and without thinking he assumed the Void. His voice emotionless and flat, he continued. "Not that I should expect you to. You are your own person with your own personal demons." He looked at the man once again, studying his face. "How far do you count our friendship Arath?" Before the man could answer Tai chuckled resignedly and shook his head continuing. "No do not answer that. I do not think you should have to answer. I respect you too much, and your actions have told me enough."

 

Arath had taken him in as a pupil, true it was his job; but he had done so as a friend. He had taken him into his home and aided him in his training. Tai's gaze took on a far away look as he voice grew more faint. It was almost as if he were talking to himself but in the small room Arath would not have to strain to hear him.

 

"You speak sense Arath. You are a good man and just. I do push myself hard. Harder than even you." Tai felt a slight smile touch his lips briefly, but it was as if it belonged on someone elses face. "Perhaps i push myself too hard. Perhaps. But tell me this. Would you rather have me burn myself out, possibly destroy everything around me for yards in my clearing, well away from everyone else? Or in the middle of the Last Battle, taking many of my comrades with me?"

 

Tai gazed challengingly at Arath and his voice grew in volume and heat. "When I first came to the tower, I had a vauge, fanciful notion of aiding in the fight against the Shadow. In nearly the year since, I have seen men i knew slaughtered by Fades, Trollocs, Dreadlords, and even Forsaken." His mouth twisted at the word. "I now have a more.." Tai paused considering the right word. "Vivid... idea of what it means to aid in the destruction of the Shadow. I mean to aid in that destruction by preparing myself, or die trying.I do not mean to throw my life away, but I will not risk others."

 

Light! he was doing just that by hiding the maddness from his mentor. Tai frowned briefly as the thought flickered across the Void. Silently his eyes focused on Arath once more, waiting for what he said to sink in. Waiting to see what the man would say. The tears still threatened, but peculiarly, outside the Void. He wanted nothing more than to tell Arath, tell him and have him tell him it would be alright. The more he pushed himself with the Power the more he defiled his mind with the Taint. It was a race against time, and Tai was not sure if he could win. He would not give up without trying.

 

There was only one man in the whole world besides himself that knew of the voice. Sereth. The man had all but dragged it out of him, ok so not quite like that, but he had told him and still stood alive. Tai wondered if Arath could let him remain so with that knowledge. He looked at the man consideringly and waited.

[Arath Faringal]

Arath was slightly taken aback from the outburst from his mentee, but kept the surprise from showing.  Tai was changing.  His entire attitude and demeanor were shifting away from how they'd been a year, or even a few months before. 

 

"I'd rather you didn't burn yourself out at all.  But truth be told, I would rather you die in the last battle, fulfilling your purpose as an Asha'man, rather than pointlessly destroying yourself in a secluded part of the woods.  You say you don't mean to throw your life away, yet you seem to be trying hard to do just that.  What are you trying to accomplish?  I've seen you fill yourself to bursting with Saidin, over and over again, pushing yourself beyond your limits in your weaker elements with total disregard for the warnings all of your instructors have given you.

 

"So what is it?  What is it that I won't understand?  What are you afraid of?  What personal demon is so horrifying that you push yourself to the brink of destruction to escape it?"

[TaiDashan]

"I'd rather you didn't burn yourself out at all.  But truth be told, I would rather you die in the last battle, fulfilling your purpose as an Asha'man, rather than pointlessly destroying yourself in a secluded part of the woods."

 

Tai was taken aback, this was not what he expected to hear. The man's face grew harder and increasingly heated as he spoke. Tai blinked as the remainder of the tirade washed over him.

 

"So what is it?  What is it that I won't understand?  What are you afraid of?  What personal demon is so horrifying that you push yourself to the brink of destruction to escape it?"

Letting go of the Void, Tai became aware of doing something he had not done for years. Silent tears streaked paths down his cheeks from the corners of his eyes. Tai simply sat and looked at the man for a long while. The rough words had struck home. Ignoring the fresh tears that burned trails down his face he whispered.

 

"I am going mad Arath. I am losing my mind to the Taint." Tai paused briefly, and drew a shuddering breath. "I have in my head a voice that tells me things Arath. Things about killing people, about doing things to women that apall me and make me blush all at once." Tai knew how that must sound, he was one of the more proper men at the Tower. He was always kind and respectful, especially of women. That had earned him a few jokes at his expense as a soldier and Arath knew it.

 

"Some of the time," Tai hesitated, finishing with a sigh. "some of the time it makes sense, a kind of horrible, dark, uncaring sense. And it terrifies me."

 

Tai stood and walked to the window, scrubbing his face roughly with the sleeve of his black velvet coat. "Last night when i was full of Saidin," He knew the other man would have seen him full of the Power. "I started thinking things about michelle, things that I would not think. These were thoughts that sounded like the voice in my head. I think that is what frightens me most. That my own thoughts have become those which belong to someone else." Fresh tears started down his cheeks as he turned to Arath, his voice matching the pleading in his eyes. "You will bury me in that little clearing soutwest of the Farm wont you? The one i go to?" His throat constricted and he could not speak more. Instead he contented himself to wait for the answer he was sure would follow.

[Arath Faringal]

A slightly distrubing turn of events to be sure.  Arath had always wondered what it would be like to hear voices.  It was a fairly common occurance at the farm, but as of yet it had not happened to him.  A large number of men he had trained, and several of his friends, but never to him.  It was a sign of madness, but not very advanced.

 

"Bury you?  Hardly.  Unless things get worse very quickly, you'll still live for quite a while.  We don't kill every man who shows slight signs of madness.  No ... once you begin to do what this voice tells you, or when the voice takes control of you ... thats when we intervene.  You recall Attack Leader Talcontar?"  Tai nodded.  "I know he heard at least one voice, probably more.  He was obviously mad in some instances, but we didn't put him down.  We would have soon, if he hadn't ... well, nevermind that."

 

Arath walked around the desk to his own chair.  He studied his pupil for a minute.  Tai still looked miserable.  "I'll keep an eye on you, to make sure you don't get worse.  The important thing is that you are still able to control yourself.  Your thought might run away at times, but you are still in control of your actions.  However, it's time that you start listening to me and your other instructors.  You WILL stop pushing yourself so hard.  Prolonged exposure to the taint at the levels you set for yourself will only make things degenerate faster.

 

"Also, in light of last nights events, there will need to be a few changes.  You'll be spending a bit more time at the infirmary to see how much of a talent you have for healing.  Light knows that we need more healers, and you show at least some aptitude for it.  That means less free time for you, but I think it's an acceptable loss."

[TaiDashan]

"Bury you?  Hardly.  Unless things get worse very quickly, you'll still live for quite a while.  We don't kill every man who shows slight signs of madness.  No ... once you begin to do what this voice tells you, or when the voice takes control of you ... thats when we intervene.  You recall Attack Leader Talcontar?"

 

Tai felt a small light of hope flicker. So he was not doomed. He had opened himself up to Arath and the man had not decided to kill him. Tai had heard what had happened to Attack Leader Talcontar. He had not been there but he had heard. The man had seemed odd. Tai still felt awful. Knowing that Arath was aware of the voice made it easier. But what was, was. He still heard the bloody thing. Arath moved to his chair and took on a studying look. Tai had to make another effort not to sigh. This was the look that Arath gave when finding a new use for a metal, one that he planned to test out.

 

"I'll keep an eye on you, to make sure you don't get worse.  The important thing is that you are still able to control yourself.  Your thought might run away at times, but you are still in control of your actions.  However, it's time that you start listening to me and your other instructors.  You WILL stop pushing yourself so hard.  Prolonged exposure to the taint at the levels you set for yourself will only make things degenerate faster.

 

So he would watch out for him. Tai grinned at Arath and felt that familiar friendship again.

 

"Also, in light of last nights events, there will need to be a few changes.  You'll be spending a bit more time at the infirmary to see how much of a talent you have for healing.  Light knows that we need more healers, and you show at least some aptitude for it.  That means less free time for you, but I think it's an acceptable loss."

 

Tai nodded. The man spoke sense. He had come far as it was and he planned on being at the last battle. Spending time in the infirmary didn't sound so bad either. It had felt interesting to heal Michelle, gratitude or no gratitude.