Spymaster's Report 9/25/08

[Justen Diablos]

Once again, the kid Diablos graces this here CoL board.  I was worried there for a moment I killed it, but the CoL will not die, such is the power of the silly.  Now some of you may be wondering where your boy JD's been, and you know what? I'll feed you baby birds.  I'd not have you starve on my watch.  For about three weeks (twenty days actually) the kid JD was incarcerated in an Eastern Texas County Jail.  Some of you are probably thinking Why would he go hang out in jail for twenty days? From what I've heard it's not all that fun  Which is true, but then again it's not like I checked in of my own volition.  I got out late August, and then had some internet problems followed by various personal stuff I had to catch up on and then I had to run wild through the 'Chan private boards for a minute.  All that taken care of I stand before you naked of any responsibilities save one, the oldest and most dear of all my life's work...

 

*throws on his white cloak with the pimp sunburst*  

 

All Hail the Spymaster, Prince of Silly.

 

World News

 

As we approach the upcoming American Presidential elections and my home country deals with a serious financial crisis you'd think I'd start with something along those lines wouldn't you?  Now if you instead said Nah, he's gonna talk Canadia right off the bat because thst's how JD does  Then you've been paying attention and I appreciate you.  You'll be rewarded for your JD knowledge by being proven publicly correct in front of family and friends.

 

Now you may be thinking I'm an American, why should i give a rat's arse about countries that aren't even real, like Canadia?  That is if you're not thinking What's up with all these italicized thoughts of the reader anyway?  Did JD sell his sense of humor for two nutty bars and three soups to his cellmate 'Knotrock'? Um, I was hungry okay, you try to make it twenty days on bologna sandwiches and water.  Anyway the reason those of you who think thoughts of the former variety that we care about Canadia is because our economic troubles actually affect Canadians, because since they're not real(or at least only 91% real after the exchange rate) what happens in America effects our neighbors (I think they use binoculars to watch me shower).  The Canadian Prime Minister says ...and I quote.

 

"There are particular markets in deep trouble in the United States -- such as the housing market and the consumer spending market -- that have real impacts on the Canadian economy," he said.  He also went on to say he had full confidence in America's politians to find a good solution in a 'reasonable time' and he trusts this economic problem to be but a bump in the road for the American machine...

 

um, So you all elected this guy?  How deep under that rock do the rest of you Canadian's have to be that this guy is you're paragon of political savvy?  And by the way will continue to be so, since his liberal opponents are trailing well behind in polls for the upcoming election in October (does anyone really care?...

 

Really?).

 

Let's let the Canadian's do what they do and move on to American politics.  Where at least our politicians   know what they're doing, namely boning the American people raw.  Vaseline?  Nah I'm good thanks.

 

So we here in America are having a financial crisis because people without money decided they wanted to buy houses and not live in the trailer parks they were meant to live in.  Look people, we can't all be middle class.  This is a capitalist society so for every Bill Gates there has to be at least ten thousand potential Jerry Springer guests.  Hey I'm sorry, I don't make the rules I just enforce them with Gestapo like efficiency.  Anyway our two potential candidates both have their own opinions on how to fix this problem...they just haven't figured out what those are yet and have no plan to until they're safely in office and we won't realize how much neither of them can help us.  So McCain, fully cognizant of the fact that Barak is young and an engaging speaker and McCain is...um, not, is using the crisis as an excuse to postpone any shot at a debate.  

 

"All we must do to achieve this is temporarily set politics aside, and I'm committed to doing so," McCain said, he then mumbled something about 'war hero' followed by 'black guy' followed by 'argghhh, I'm a pirate'.

 

Barak Obama rebuffed such things saying simply "Okay so you want me come back to Washington and stand next to a President that eight years ago was young, charming, and promising to 'Change Washington?  Okay yeah that's a contrast I really need in my life.  Now all I need is a coke habit and a rich daddy to really cement my political death.  I've already got four strikes against me because I'm a black guy.  Which means even baseball analogies hate me."

 

In other news I was randomly searching through Yahoo news and I saw that Pan's Labyrinth director (insert random unknown director's name here) is working on a new vampire trilogy.  Since Pan's Labyrinth fairly rocks and sometimes vampire stories can be interesting this article sparked my interest, so I figured I'd cover it here.  Ya know, since my 'Chan never talk about anything worth watching over at the main board.   ::)  And now I'm depressed, because apparently the genius who brought me Pan's Labyrinth is also the sorry sack of *$$& who brought Hellboy to the screen.  Let's put this in terms you'll understand.  George Lucas gave  me (personally) Star Wars, which I love more than any other form of entertainment I've ever had placed in front of me.  But if George Lucas then went on to put out 'Hellboy' (or some sort of Brenden Frasier movie) I'd burn his house down no matter how much gasoline costs.

 

Which by the way is going to be a lot once again (you see that transition?  That's why I'm a god... well that and my utter awesomeness) because they're cutting back oil production and speculator's in the American Oil markets are looking to get rich off of me again (according to Papa Bear Bill O'Reilly) so there's that to look forward to.  

 

Now two things as I wrap up this section of the Spymaster’s report.  This was actually written last night (Wednesday evening) but then I was up and distracted by having to call my girl Cads (am I mentioning her again in my Spymaster’s reports?  Or still playing hard to get? I forget) and then I called it a night and decided I’d finish tomorrow (which is now today).  When I went to actually finish this the boards of DM were off limits to me.  Now either Kat finally discovered after eight years of testing how to ban me from the site or the message boards are down.  Either way I can’t (for obvious reasons) report on what’s happening on the boards of DM.  So I’m going to improvise…

 

DM News (Circa 2000ad)

 

That’s right.  In honor of DM’s tenth anniversary  your boy JD is going to give you just a little taste of what the news would have looked like eight long years ago (can’t do ten because I came to DM but late) when I made this Spymaster report a weekly column at the Mount of the Dragon.    

 

First of all to my very own CoL board.  It appears the legendary  CoL are up to their usual tricks.  Lil Mysie was seen around being all cute and stuff and posted pictures of herself in her prom dress.  I couldn’t be a more proud father, even if Myselle is a Canadian.  Of course if her date doesn’t treat her right I’ll send Boyle and Lefty over to chip him up.  Jim Blonde once again regaled us with the adventures of Blonde and Brunette, Jimmy’s apparently starting his own evil army.  Rico was drunk posting again, apparently that kind of thing is encouraged in Australia.  He claims he hooked up with a hot chick in a bar last night but until we see pics as proof we’ll just assume he was out nailing dingo’s again.  I don’t know why he doesn’t just go flush the toilet when he’s drunk like I would.  I mean it spins in the opposite direction, that’s awesome.  Elriond and Steel Blade were trying to rouse the rest of the CoL into Rping…

 

As your org leader I have to support the RP and encourage all members to participate.  As your friend I say RUN! RUN as fast as you CAN!  And yes I could have capitalized that whole sentence, didn’t, so what?  Quick note the CoL is having it’s weekly web chat on Tuesday at around nine pm central standard time.  Yveva’s bringing cookies and Leo might tell us a story about…the things Leo tells us stories about (Yay Porno nails!).

 

Let’s see what’s going on in the main board shall we?  We shall.  And yes I did answer my own rhetorical question.  Knew I was doing it at the time, didn’t so much care.  So put that in your milk and drink it nancy boy.  And why the heck does word processor red underline the word nancy?  Ack, it did it again, is nancy not a recognized word?  What if I capitalize it? Nancy.  Hey it worked that time, so word knows girls named Nancy at least, and apparently won’t allow me to demean them by implying sissyness (whatever word, I know sissyness is a word so quit underling stuff) through the word nancy.  Anyway over at the main board there’s not much going on.  A few people posted about how happy they are to have the  DM message boards back.  Whatev, I love the temp boards myself, it’s the only place me and Emmilith  can be alone.  But I guess thanks is in order.  Big ups to Mazzy, Joram, and Phoenix for getting the site back up.  If the rest of you all at DM would like to help keep these boards alive we are looking for a few well placed donations to keep DM alive.  You can pay through paypal, there‘s a link somewhere that I‘m too lazy to put in this here report.  But even five bucks keeps these boards running.  And I give you my word (such as it is) that J-Denz doesn’t just spend all the money on strippers (some of it goes for crack).  Anyway really though, if ya’ll love DM as much as I do let’s try to keep it running, it acts as both family and fun for many of us.  And a home for others (Paityr has no where else to go).

 

Next up, the Aiel board.  Um, not a whole lot going on over there, I’m pretty sure stuff goes on in their private boards (at least I hope so, I mean they have over a hundred active members and yet I never see a single post on their public board.  Bah, Bah I say, Isolationism is what brought down Ancient Rome you know)  Over at the Band of the Red Hand Lilli and Ehlana fish slapped a couple newbs to make them feel welcome.  And the legendary Odilon hatched a plot with Paityr to go and bombard the Seanchan with Water Balloons. Of DHOOOM.  Maybe that will wake them Shawnchin folk up, they’re sleepy n’ stuff.  

 

Hey Justen, why don’t you go over to the Black Tower?  Ok reader who has the exact same voice as mine…I will.  Aside from grumping about how no one loves him Mazzy is surprisingly absent.  Rune and Davrem Hightower were seen about dropping their pants and yelling “See! I’m Magic!” but other than that it’s just a whole lot of RPing and stuff.  Off at the Freelanders org they’re trying to put together a collection of gleeman’s tales, but since I don’t remember any of the Freelanders save Grey (Who was amazing like Tom Cruise is amazing) I can’t really remember what exactly it was they did.  

 

Next up the Ogier.  Joram was spotted having a lovely picnic with Koe, I believe it consisted of the body parts of newbies who Kat didn’t get to fast enough to protect.  We all understand Joram’s desire to crush and destroy all newbies.  Emmilith is attempting to get a thread started about favorite book series, and this get’s the official JD thumbs up.  One, because I read, and two, because Emmy is of the Brown Ajah, and all know the Brown Ajah rocks my proverbial Casbah.    

 

So what’s up with the Sea Folk Justen?  Funny you should ask reader who’s entirely too helpful in advancing this report to be anything other than a plant.  Actually nothing is up with the Sea Folk, um, somebody should join or something.  Because otherwise that org will be deleted n stuff.  *shrugs*  I’m just glad my CoL will never have to worry about such, since I’m amazing and I breed org activity like a certified pedigree dog …erm, breeder.  Bad analogy that?  Sorry, all I’m saying is as long as there’s a JD, there will be a CoL.  You can’t kill us, because we’re like vampires or something.

 

There’s a new Emperor at the Seanchan, hopefully he can keep that org from getting deleted along with the Sea Folk.  He seems to be attempting to recruit all my people away from me, which may just force me to whap him repeatedly with a newspaper… or have Tenan do it.  Yeah, I’ll have Tenan do it.  Still I hope this kid does a good job, I mean I trained him after all, so everything he does reflects upon me. *prepares for the coming storm by battening down the proverbial hatches*  This board report seems oddly lacking, as if there should be a long legged californian ballet dancer referenced in some way.  I wish I could put a finger (or a body (preferably mine)) on her... erm, I mean it.  Yeah see, that's the ticket see.

 

Let’s off to the Warders board shall we?  Well it looks like they have a bunch of new members.  It’s a good thing Souvan (a Spymaster favorite) is starting a new sword forms class for daisy fresh warders.   There was a Matalina sighting but it was quickly dismissed as BenT in a dress.   Serafelle stopped by to once again post a  guide to Aes Sedai/Warder bonding.  It’s a shortened version for the warders since they’re…warders, so it’s only four hundred pages.  Ultimately, no one can bond anyone at DM unless they’ve been at the site for seven years (which would be impossible) or they could write a hand written letter to Sera that would explain why they deserve to be bonded and it’s necessary to the RP at DM (which is impossible).  

 

WHITE TOWER!!!!!!! And yes I am that excited.  I mean they got the brown ajah, and if that doesn’t rock my world I don’t know what does.   There was an avalanche of new members at the Tower this week.  So I guess that means it’s time for ol’ JD to go roll up on some of the WT Novi’ once again.  They love me over there.  Um, some chick named Taya seems way too excited to be here and wicked obnoxious.  Still she writes some crazy long posts (even if they are manic) so she gets the official JD stamp of (newbie worth watching).  Jhae was about and she said something, if she joined the brown ajah like she should I’d probably pay more attention.  Karana the Great posted a rant about stupid people which was amusing.  I love Karana.   And the aforementioned Kat started talking about some Dragon’Con thing she was involved in.  I guess they put her in charge of something over there *shudders* … I’m as surprised as you.  Just because I’m pithy and clever doesn’t mean I have words for every situation.  Some are just too unbelievable for explanation.  Maybe Art Guy Joe could explain it, because he’s f’n awesome.

 

Let’s check out the Ghul shall we?  We shall.  The Don posted pictures of himself I think as an effort to upstage me with how much of a Californian pretty boy he is, though he’s no match for the innate sexayness that is JD.  I mean Latino HEAT!? Pah! It’s just a fad.  Demandred is looking for new Chosen, but then again Demmy is always looking for new Chosen.  I think it’s because his always end up either inactive in the RP or they run around wearing pink tutu’s.  That’s just messed up there.  A newb named Roka Smirti decided to up and challenge the Don for silly supremacy over at the Ghul, good luck with that, Donnie’s almost as awesome as I am.

 

Finally, the Wolfkin.  Ahh, Plaid Ajah, how I love thee.  Darksmoon appears to be plotting to kidnap the Amyrlin again, but then again isn’t he always.  Plaid Ajah founders Aragorn and Darren Brightail were randomly drunk throughout the week, but then again aren’t they always.  And there were a bunch of newbies looking to join the Wolfies cult, but then again aren’t there always?  Redundant am I Nighteyes?  Well then maybe your org should do something different every week.  I mean maybe just go a week without getting drunk or something?

 

 

….

 

Yeah that was probably a bad idea.

 

But yeah that’s probably about it for now.  I guess I could insert random curse words and see if Phoenix acutally reads and edit’s these before he puts them up on his site or if he just copies and pastes them direct from my e-mail.  Course I already know the answer to that so rather than curse at you all (my faithful readers) I’ll simply wish you a good week.

 

Oh on a personal note my longtime friend and DM colleague Paityr finally graduated from college after nine long (long) years.  Congrats Pait!  Good luck with real life buddy!

 

 

Love,

 

JD,

Spymaster

 

 

…..

 

 

/flashback

 

Wow, DM is going through some stuff, I get a white screen with basic links that don’t work when I bring it up.  Bah, Bah I say, anyway I think next week I’ll be back with a current edition of the report.  Ya know, if Kat hasn’t figured out a way to ban from DM.  *shakes his fist*

 

JD,

Wonder Hamster

[Cadsuane]

Hah, apparently I'm so awesome that the Seanchan of old sensed my coming. Although I'm usually pretty clear about that, so it shouldn't have been that difficult for them. *g*

[Barmacral]

So what’s up with the Sea Folk Justen?  Funny you should ask reader who’s entirely too helpful in advancing this report to be anything other than a plant.  Actually nothing is up with the Sea Folk' date=' um, somebody should join or something.  Because otherwise that org will be deleted n stuff.  *shrugs*  I’m just glad my CoL will never have to worry about such, since I’m amazing and I breed org activity like a certified pedigree dog …erm, breeder.  Bad analogy that?  Sorry, all I’m saying is as long as there’s a JD, there will be a CoL.  You can’t kill us, because we’re like vampires or something.[/quote']

 

[Yveva]

I miss Tenan.

 

 

and the CoL.

[GrandpaG]

"Let the Lord of Chaos Rule".

 

JD has been reborn!!!  ;D

 

Glad to hear you survived bologna and water.

 

No DM sucks.  >:(  Been there...didn't like it...(knock on wood).

 

Did you make up the 10th anniversary thing?  Or is that real?  ::)  ???

[JenniferL]

http://www.dragonmount.com/News/?p=368

[GrandpaG]

Thank you, mother.

You are most kind.

* bows respectfully *

* bells on his First Fool's hat make a slight tinkling sound *

* patches on his Honorary Gleeman's cloak flutter *

* the Golden Sun shows on the breast of his CoL Court Bard's tunic *

* to add to the overall affect, he makes a waving flourishing gesture *

* she extends her left hand toward him *

* he kisses her Great Serpent ring *

Yes.

I did post over there.

I tried to be a gentleman as much as possible.

Now, with your permission, mother, there is spam to be spread...and I'm just the guy to do it!!! >:D

* opens a gateway to Fiddlesticks *

* dives through *

* let's the weave dissolve itself gradually so as not to blow up the Amrylin accidentally *

;D

[Emperor]

There’s a new Emperor at the Seanchan, hopefully he can keep that org from getting deleted along with the Sea Folk.  He seems to be attempting to recruit all my people away from me, which may just force me to whap him repeatedly with a newspaper… or have Tenan do it.  Yeah, I’ll have Tenan do it.  Still I hope this kid does a good job, I mean I trained him after all, so everything he does reflects upon me. *prepares for the coming storm by battening down the proverbial hatches*

 

Awesome!  Funny how Seanchan made it from being deleted and the COL was deleted.... hmmm....

 

And Jason was on the site?  I guess he has done his duty for the year....