Ok desperate now lol.

[Belgorion]

I tried PMing my profile I tried emailing it so here goes my last try. I am posting it below, I don't care if administration removes it or leaves it there just please god someone point the her in the right direction at it before you do. -begs-

 

Char sheet.

 

n a m e s a k e :

 

Full |birth| Name:Belgorion Ikorit Iamarsa.

 

Spoken |used| Name: Belgorion or Bel

 

Acquired |aliases| Names: none

 

Proclaimed |title| Name: None.

 

n u m e r i c a l :

 

Appearing Age: XXIV

 

Factual Age: XXIV

 

s o c i o l o g i c a l :

 

Classes: Artist of War -- Swordsman novice -- .

 

Profession: wanderer ( will attempt entry into the white tower and to become a warder)

 

Alignment: White Tower

 

Marital Status: Single.

 

Status:lost

 

b i o l o g i c a l :

 

Height: Five foot, eleven inches. [5'11"]

 

Weight: One hundred, fifty pounds. [175 lbs]

 

Hair: Blond

 

Eye: blue.

 

Blood Type: O+. Body Art: A dagger with a great serpent curled about it on the inside of his right thigh.

 

.

 

Scar Tissue: None, without.

 

Birthmark: None, without. Genetics unknown (Andorian born in Caemlyn he just doesn't know this so its unknown in profile)

 

Ascension:former thief.

 

Attributes: quick hands, and wits.

 

Immunity: none.

 

p o l e m o l o g y :

 

Birthed: Natural warrior

 

Learned: basic swordsmenship

 

Primary Discipline: speed

 

Sub-Discipline: Strength, and intelligence.

 

Armed: Rapier.

 

-- type:. Basic.

 

- style Slashing.:

 

-- creator: unknown.

 

-- paragon: Physical

 

-- faculty: Lightweight used to bleed opponent out, and overwhelm.

 

-- blade length: Two foot, eight inches [2'8"].

 

-- overall:Three foot, seven inches [6'7"].

 

-- blade thickness: Half an inch [Core].

 

Armed:light chain mail

 

-- type: Armor.

 

-- style: Light Defense.

 

- creator unknown

 

-- paragon: Defense.

 

-- faculty: Used mostly by cavalry, and fencers for defense of speed based warriors.

 

:

 

:

 

a t t i r e :

 

Casual:

 

Feet: Black leather boots.

 

Legs:. Black silken trousers (usually of Brocade type)

 

Hands: Black leather gloves

 

Upper Body, I Black Silken shirt,

 

Upper Body, ii: Sturdy black traveling cloak, and hood.

 

Face: without.

 

Head: without

 

Battle Attire.(not yet acquired)

 

Face: None, without.

 

Head:.

 

a c c e s s o r i e s : Star pendant.

 

.Type: gift.

 

History: artifact left by Belgorions parents as a keep sake.

 

k i n d r e d : Unknown.

 

______x____ artist of war:

 

p r o f i c e n c y :

 

Mortal

 

Preternatural

 

Mental Focus: The ability too think, and quickly resolve situations or form action plans.

 

k i n e s i s :

 

none, compensated by sub skill in archery.

 

History

 

Taken in by a thief whom worked the streets of Caemlyn, he was exposed to the hardest parts of life at an early age, and has no idea whom his parents were. He lived on the streets with his mentor, and friend Kadaz until the age of twenty one. When in his thirst for adventure he convinced the old man too journey with him.

 

This journey ended tragically due to his youth, when he insisted on skirting the blight far too closely, when he and Kadaz came face to face with a fade. He was only saved by Kadaz, whom pushed him from a cliff to save his life before being dispatched by the fade. Left for dead he awakened hours later, and staggered blindly through the desert before being picked up by a Tuathan caravan.

 

They nursed him back to health, but as of the present time he has yet to regain his memories save for his name . Yet driven by an urge to wonder, he finally left his saviors, and friends in search of himself. Returning ironically to Caemlyn, where he later dispatched several thugs, whom were wrongly harassing an old peddler. This was done without drawing a single drop of blood, and drew the attention of the old man, who suggested that a young man with a sword arm such as his should pledge it in service to Caemlyn, or journey to Tar Valon, and learn the arts of the warders.

 

With no real direction in life, Belgorion has become resolve in his desire to become a warder, and journey to the white tower.

 

 

 

[Jehaine]

http://forums.dragonmount.com/index.php/topic,30461.0.html

 

Your application has already been posted for CC, actually.

 

Just out of curiousity, did you use some kind of program or generator to get that application format? It's kind of... different from the others.

[Belgorion]

Nope I used a style i have used for a long time. That layout is the layout I posted on my site for use, but if anyone wants to use it or needs an explanation of it I would be happy to give one.

[Liitha]

http://www.aliciawilkerson.com/warders/?page_id=5 dunno if you found the warders site yet, just notised you given the age of 24 if i read the roman numbers rigth, so figured would link this as its the min info you need to give (think you given most of it), just notised however that your age is to old for a trainee

 

 

 

[Jehaine]

Right. As agreed upon through PM, here's my little review of this application. I may be a bit harsh here, but i'm holding this to the standards i hold my own apps to ^^;

 

-----

 

Right, here goes.

 

First off, the layout needs to be changed into the standard Warder Yard formatting. Though original, you'd have to admit that if everyone and their cousin started making applications in whatever format they made up it's just going to become a chaotic mess, and all the more time-consuming for the bio checkers to cross-check (CC).

 

Anyway, top to bottom:

 

Namesake: He has a name, and he has a nickname. That's good. It's also specifically mentioned he has no alias and no title, which just ends up looking like filler. Axe it, as it does not apply.

 

Numerical: His age, in roman numericals. Though certainly a nice twist, i'd prefer you to use the commonly known decimal (24) or written (twenty-four) system, for the simple reason that there has never been a Roman Empire in Randland. Sure, you know XXIV means 24 as well as i know nijuushi means 24. Since you can't assume everyone here knows how to read Roman numericals as much as i can't assume everyone here can count in japanese, use English.

 

Sociological:

 

Classes: 'Artists of War' we do not have. 'Swordsman novice' (despite sounding like it comes from Ragnarok Online) does work, but once again you're better off without mentioning this altogether.

 

Profession: Sure, i can agree with this.

 

Alignment: Use 'Division' or something, and unless Belg is a channeling 16-year-old girl you might want to change this into Warders ^^;

 

Marital Status / Status: No problems here.

 

Biological:

 

Height: Yup, sounds good to me.

 

Weight: So does he weigh 150 or 175 pounds here? Fix this, please.

 

Hair: Blonde. Is his hair short? Down to his ankles? Is he almost bald and only has a blonde ponytail?

 

Eye: Blue. No problem here, though i assume he still has both his eyes.

 

Blood Type: Fine with me.

 

Body Art: ....You mean a tattoo, right? Randland has those, no problem. Though the location's... not exactly common, i'll let it pass as i'm not into tattoos myself ^^;

 

Scar tissue / Birthmark: Out with these, as they don't apply.

 

Ascension / Attributes: Sure, just try -- again -- to lose the generic sounding descriptors that just look confusing to anyone not used to this format (being everyone else on this site)

 

Polemology: Though for consistency's sake, i think you should've called this polemological. Anyway:

 

Birthed: ...Excuse me? On with the dictionary:

 

birthed, birth·ing, births Chiefly Southern U.S.

 

To deliver (a baby).

To bear (a child).

 

...No, try again. Or better yet, remove Birthed altogether.

 

Learned: Basic Swordsmanship is a class you can take in the Warders Yard. Here, your skill with a blade depends mostly on the Weapon Score (WS) that is assigned to you after your character is accepted. Though saying you have basic knowledge of swords is something i don't really mind (ask the DL's permission before making claims like this though) a 'newbie' (pardon the choice of words here) would at most know how to hold the weapon without slicing their own foot off. More on this later.

 

Disciplines: I assume you meant where you focus on. Since the Warders already use the term 'Disciplines', please rename this, kthx.

 

Armed: Change to weapon please. Also, a Rapier is a piercing weapon, as due to its light weight a heavy blade would slice the poor thing in two without slowing down. With 2'8'' it seems a little on the short side (shortest being around 1 meter / 3'3''), but who am i to argue about that. You might want to fix the numericals on the overall length as well (6 feet as opposed to 3... typo?)

 

Armed: Armor please, thanks. Yes, just the name will do, lose the rest.

 

Attire: My, he sure likes black, doesn't he? One small thing of note however is that i assume 'Battle attire' would be the chainmail you just described a moment ago in the app.

 

Head: Special mention here, because i thought i read 'artifact' there. Please change this to 'item' or 'keepsake' or whatever unless it's a ter'angreal, in which case the Staff will throw oranges at you before making you change it into 'item' or 'keepsake'.

 

Kindred: Family please, let's keep it understandable for the majority of the public.

 

______x____ artist of war: If this means what i think it means, you'd better get rid of this. If this is NOT just a weapon ability scaling system only you are familiar with, kindly explain what it is.

 

Proficiency: Quick thinker, got it. Lose the 'Mortal' and 'Preternatural' sections, they don't apply and not many people like to review with an encyclopedia and dictionary on their lap trying to figure out what you're trying to say. Especially when there's no reason why they should in the first place.

 

Kinesis: Hoo boy.

 

ki·ne·sis   Audio Help   (kə-nē'sĭs, kī-)  Pronunciation Key  

n.   pl. ki·ne·ses (-sēz)

Movement or activity of an organism in response to a stimulus such as light.

 

This applies to what again? And how does archery compensate for this?

 

History: Good, almost done now. To begin, let me link you to a map of Randland so you can see what i mean.

 

Wheel of Time map

 

Right, so you've been taken in by a thief in Caemlyn. It would really help to give your character some depth if you started talking about how he was born, or a little blurb about his parents, possibly even explaining why he eventually ended up being taken in by Kadaz. Since you used 'taken in' i assume he's not Belg's natural father, which raises the question who was.

 

In comparison, (as much as i hate to use own examples) my orphaned character spent her days on the streets since age 5, but i still spent a few lines on her parents. Minimal, yes, but it ties into her personality of why she treats the pirate crew she's a captain of like family.

 

After that, at age 21, you randomly offer to go to the Blightborder, and Kadaz accepts despite either of you never having set one foot outside of Caemlyn for all we know. The two of you head out to leave Caemlyn on a whim, traveling some 950 miles to the Shienarian capital, and then some additional 50 to the Blightborder for an even 1.000 miles.

 

Why Shienar? Because it's the only nation in Randland bordering both the Blight and the Waste. Anyway, we continue.

 

Assuming you two (again) randomly decide to go through the Niamh passes (or Kadaz would need to have shoved you over the mountain range), you encounter a fade. Despite it keeping its face hidden, and neither of you never even heard of a Fade outside of 'gleeman's tales',, Kadaz correctly identifies it as one and shoves you off a cliff and into the Waste.

 

You walk around for a while (a couple of hours at most), and come across Tinkers who manage to get to you before the Aiel can, or one of the lethal snakes, scorpions or whatever else tries to kill and eat you (not always in that order). You have amnesia, and ultimately end up traveling another 1.000 miles back to Caemlyn.

 

Once there, you take on a group of armed thugs all at once without even taking a scratch (hinting at at least Elite (10-15) WS levels) before going to Tar Valon to train with the Warders.

 

Is it me, or does quite a bit of this not add up? ???

 

==========

 

Points of attention:

 

• Application needs to be refit into the standard application format. Or at least something resembling it, that you don't need a PhD in English for to know what the sections mean (seriously, when's the last time you read words like 'polemology', 'paragon' and 'preternatural' in an RP, and everyone knew what you were talking about?)
  
• He needs a personality section. Definitely. There is absolutely nothing(!) hinting at any kind of character depth in the entire application, apart from him liking to wander around and some offhand mention of friends here and there. As it is now, the man generates the same amount of compassion as people feel for Imperial Stormtrooper TK-421. Give him some emotions, have him cry over the loss of Kadaz, have him struggle with his morals over the idea of becoming a thief, or feel pride at his first successful pickpocketing! Flesh him out, make him feel alive!
  
• History needs to be redone into something more logical, with the official world map and cultures taken into account. No one's going to burn you down when you haven't heard about some local Shienarian feastday, but the Aiel are... kind of different. Different enough to warrant at least more than a glance when it comes to how they treat wetlanders.
  
• When your spend twice as much text to describe your weapon, armor and clothing respectively than it does to describe what you look like, then you, my friend, need a longer physical description. Is he thin, muscular, too fat to fit through the door of an Inn? Is he left- or righthanded? Are the muscles of his sword-arm much bigger than those of his other arm, or about equal? Explain!
  

 

 

But yeah, there's my review. Turned out longer than expected as well. Together with the link Ata provided just now that should be everything i can think of at the moment ^^;

[Belgorion]

I will take these things into consideration thank you, but for now I need seriously to fix a computer for a client so see ya guys, and thanks for the criticism.

[Raeyn]

 

Luck with fixing the client's computer, and thank you for being patient with all the criticism :)

[Jehaine]

No probs, hope i didn't overdo it there ^^;

 

Good luck with fixing your comp, mine's barely holding together as it is (four years old now, never upgraded) ;D

[Liitha]

all good hope you can fix the puter *s* and hope it all can be sorted soon *s* i must say i am geting curious about seeing you write

[Jehaine]

Well, you could always have a sneak peek at the RP posts he put in Revolution One ('Hero's Worst Enemy' i believe the thread's called)

[Liitha]

will have to see about it its late now so wont be tonite, or i can just wait and trick him into rping and get a reading sample that way..helping out here and there i can score against my own req + get some rp time down *s* and get to meet some of the new people of the site

 

so its what a win win win situation or something ;)