American Idol Sucks!

[Myndrunner]

So, we have heard from Weepy, Whitney, Scary, and Bashful.....and the next Dwarf is....

 

Kristy Lee Cook: Country! Like...totally Yee-Haw and stuff!  I have to admit that I am surprised that the complete underdog in this competition is the beautiful, tall, blond country music singer.  I suspect that she is about as country as Kid Rock......oh, wait......Sheryl Crow......wait.....um, Miley Cyrus.....damn!  Anyway, adding a strategic country twang to Mariah's Forever, she started out a little rough but nailed like a jack spike into a two-by-four. (I don't know either, but it sounds country!) A very solid performance overall that should keep her out of the bottom three tonight.  It helped that she was wearing one of Mariah's silver dresses that came down to knees (but comes down to Mariah's waist when she wears it!)

Prediction: The surprise of the night...she doesn't go into the bottom three!

 

We return from the commercial break with Ryan in the audience with.....say, that's RAMIELLE!!  Go figure that Miss Codependant gets kicked off the show but can't get away from her mommies.  Don't worry, Baby-Rammie...one of them will be joining you tonight. 

Tell whichever contestant that gets elimenated....Ramielle needs to be changed!

 

David Cook: After Country Dwarf was finished, they woke Sleepy up from his nap and brought him to the stage to once again channel the god of Nickleback.  I gotta admit, he really rocked out with Mariah Carey's Always be my Baby, putting a bit of a dark and OC brooding tone to it. Feeling a bit less cocky than last week, he awaited the judges response. Randy said it was the first time he has stood up during a performance...not sure where Uncle Randy was going with that one, but I am sure David Cook was glad to know his music got a....rise...out of him.  Paula gushed and jibered as the air whistled through her ears.  In a "compliment" that I am still trying to figure out, Simon said he took us out of karaoke hell and into fresh air.  Well, you tell me what it means?!  ANyways, the Alien Brain Rocker tossed the dice yet again and it came up with the DO's eyes.

Prediction: C'mon....he swallowed Michael John's soul last week with his votes.  He's in the final two!

 

The Purple Ajah....you know what? It inspires me!

[Myndrunner]

So, how do we end this crazy night with a bang?  How about with a performance by General Dopey in his Battlefield Earth member's only jacket?

Castro and his Ukulele handler prepare for invasion.

 

Jason Castro: Can you believe this guy is still on the show?  Goofy, Stoned, and stupid is no way to make a music career......wait, yeah I guess it is. Sans ukulele, Clifford the Muppet gifted us with his version of Mariah's I Don't Want to Cry.  Well, I do want to cry because his mediocre performance will still earn him enough naive teen votes to keep him safe for another week.  I dread the day when this guy shows up at my doorstep to take my teenage daughter out to a concert.  If he got kicked off, would he even remember being on the show? 

 

What pains me is that this guy may actually have a career simply because of his fan base.  Soon, he will be held up next to the Chosen One and Alien Rocker to see how un-talented he really is.  It will be the ultimate bummer, but I will toss back a shot of "GOOD RIDDANCE" when Seacrest tells him goodbye.

Prediction: Clifford stumbles his way through to next week.

Hope: kick his ass off tonight!

 

With seconds before they had to go off the air, Paula interrupted Seacrest's closing comments to make yet another knee slapper!  This time, she mumbled something about how Simon wants Beef but Randy wants Poi? I think it was some allusion to Randy feeling like he was at a luau in Hawaii while listening to Castro's performance.  I think. 

The Sitter of the Purple Ajah weaves another belly buster!

 

So, tune in tonight to watch the Nanny freak out, Syesha practice her fake smile, Clifford wonder where he is, and Carley say goodbye.  Of course, Mariah Scary and her chihuahuas should be on stage tonight performing from her Randy Jackson produced album.  Hmmmm, what does Mariah have in common with Carly?  An album produced by Randy Jackson, of course. 

 

Only one of the 7 Idols will be eliminated.  Will it be Dopey? Sleepy? Bashful? Whitney? Country? Scary? or Weepy? Tune in tonight to find out!

 

[Myndrunner]

Ya know, if you read my posts and see who I say is DEFINITELY not getting kicked off the show....BET ON THEM TO LEAVE!!

 

I'm gonna start taking bids for football teams.  Want your favorite NFL team to win the championship? Well, just pay me to root for whoever they play and they should go undefeated....

 

.....posting the recap after this lag mess is done with......

[Myndrunner]

America, thank you for not watching Back To You, which airs Wednesdays @ 8:30pm on Fox....until its inevitable mercy-kill cancellation, but now it's time for your American Idol Sucks.....Recap, which also, inso-facto, sucks!

 

Forget Abu Ghraib or the Geneva Convention....the top 5 most inhumane torture techniques are Chinese water torture, Bamboo under Fingernails, Watching American Idol, Tazering ones privates, and worst of all, having your hopes and dreams shattered in an instant before a Live Studio Audience and Millions watching at home. 

 

Ok, so first off, Seacrest begins the show still sweating about his sphinkticious prank he pulled on Michael Johns last week. Siting that another record breaking 36 million votes came in, most likely due to the SHOCKING departure of Michael Johns. 

Flashback Clip" "We usually don't eliminate anyone during Idol Gives Back.....but tonight, we will!  Goodbye, mate!"

I think the Aussie was about to show Ryan his KNIFE!

 

So tonight, he kicked things off by reminding everyone what a complete douche he is.  "People are still reeling about last weeks SHOCKING departure of Michael Johns."  Translation: "I'm still getting hate mail for screwing with him."

 

So, one would guess that Seacrest learned his lesson: Don't be a prick with someone's hopes and dreams. 

 

Guess again.

 

A brief chat with the judges, where apparently Paula has now gone over to the Red Ajah, or she was playing Miss Scarlett in a live version of Clue.  Then, we were treated to all Seven Idols to Mariah's One Sweet Day....with almost as many Christian references as last week's performance,but still enough to make radical atheists from around the world foam at the mouth.  How can you offend someone who believes in nothing?  Well, that's a different thread.....

We believe in notzing, Lebowski! NOTZING!!

 

So, to shake things up tonight, Seacrest brought out Jason "the Muppet" Castro, who smiled when he saw the American Idol sign because it reminded him of where he was.  After recapping the judges pandering reviews of his mediocre lounge music, Seacrest instructed him to stand over to the Right.  He almost took a seat on the couch when Seacrest told him to stand.  He wasn't told that he was safe.

 

David Cook rolled out of the back seat of his Dodge Neon, where he was takin a snooze, and shuffled to the stage.  Ryan asked David to go stand over to the Left!  Hmmmmmm, David Cook on the Left?  Clifford on the Right?  I see what's going on here!  One of the groups would be the bottom three!!!  Since David Cook is sure to be in the top....that must mean that Clifford is in the bottom three!! WOOOO HOOO!! Clifford may be going home tonight!!!.....because, David Cook is much too talented to be elimenated, .....right?....RIGHT?!?

[Myndrunner]

So with David Cook on the Left and The Muppet on the Right, it was time to bring out my pick for going home, the lovely Miss Carly Hennessy-Smithson. After her judges recap of her performance, Seacrest asked if she had a rebuttal.  "Well, now wee-Ryan, thats a fine question to be askin' me, now!" in a fine accent that was a mix of Irish and Illianer. "I think flamin' Simon was bloody bleedin hard on me all bleeding bloody flamin' season!"  With her painted on smile, she was asked to riverdance her way over next to Jason Castro.

 

So, since Carly was the one I picked to go home, a prediction no less true than the visions of Rhuiden, .....it became clear to me that the Muppet standing next to her was in the bottom three.  Even if he didn't realize exactly where he was....he began to channel his ancient math skills.  "Let's see, Carly sucked last night....she's standing with me......hmmm, that means something....."

 

The resemblance, it's like....so weird, ya know? Whoa! Mista Kotter!

 

Then, the KLC was brought out from back stage.  After reviewing Kristy Lee Cook's praised performance from last night, and the judges soft review, she was told to go stand next to the other Cook.  In an instant, her face beamed with a smile knowing that by standing next to David Cook, she could not be in the bottom three......because David is too good a performer and surely wasn't in the bottom three......right?

 

We were interrupted from the festivities by VIRGINIA BEACH'S OWN Elliot Yameen, who looks like one of Springsteen's illegitimate children.....but sounded much more like Neil Diamond.  After apparently sleeping through his performance, I don't think he opened his eyes until the end, Ryan tried to burn off some of his doucher points by consoling Elliot on the recent loss of his mother.  Of course, in doing so, he reminded Yameen of his grief in front of the packed Live studio audience and the millions watching at home.  Seacrest: +6 Doucher Points! 

 

When the Ambulance teams assembled off stage, that could only indicate that Brook White was the next to come out and meet her fate. Her painted on smile did little to hide the bottomless wells of seething insanity in her eyes.  The review of the Neurotic Nanny's performance recalled the colorful analogy of Simon claiming that her song was like a hamburger without the meat.  Once again, knees were slapped across America when Paula's "Where's the BEEF?" joke was resurrected once again. Of course, someone on stage wasn't laughing....guess who?

Idol gods? If you spare me,

I promise never to plot He-Man's demise again!

 

Surprisingly, Brooke White streamed tears of joy when she was asked to go stand with the apparent safety group of Mr. & Mrs. Cook! Accross the stage, Carly seemed to accept her inevitable fate while Vinnie Barbarino actually looked pretty bummed!  Apparently, he actually can do basic math...."If they are over there and not getting elimenated......whoa! Bogus!" 

[Myndrunner]

Next, the host of Idol summoned Syesha Mercado to center stage.  Shooting for the Sanjaya Papaya vote, Sye came out wearing a high black mohawk in an apparent attempt to channel Patti Labelle.  Since copying Whitney, Mariah, and Fantasia et all was not working, why not Patti? After a brief review of her wah-wah-wah performance, and the subsequent commentary from the Judges saying that she shouldn't try to sound like Mariah Carey, but she should have picked a song like Mariah and sung it like Mariah, but not try to sound like Mariah.  Basically, for her to win, she has to take a Mariah Carey song and sing it better than Mariah Carey, but not try to sing it like Mariah Carey or any female black singer that has had any success in the music industry.  Syesha could not hide her "WTF?" expression behind her fake smile.

+

 

After accepting the abuse from the judges, and being in the bottom three nearly every week, Sye-Sye seemed ready to go Bye-Bye.  Seacrest motioned her to go stand next to Scary and Dopey, and she shuffled, head down like going to the gallows.  It was then that the cameras caught the now nervous expression on Dopey's face.  "Why is she coming over here?  Go over there with your low votes....I'm not in the bottom three.......no way! Man, the dude is bummed!"

 

Carly, Dopey, and Syesha stood in the apparent bottom three group while Kristy and Brooke silently celebrated by standing next to the untouchable David Cook.  I mean, David Cook couldn't be in the bottom three.  He's never been in the bottom three before and he's so much more talented and creative than most of the others.  He has to be safe.

 

The Ghost of Michael Johns seemed to be cackling off in the distance.  "No one is safe, mate!" It was then that Ryan mused..."Say, I think I have too many Cooks in the Kitchen over there!" Pointing to the group on the left.  (+2 Doucher points)  David? Why don't you switch places with Syesha?  Gasps from the crowd echoed through the arena.....Kristy seemed to sense the grim reaper closing in while Brooke tried to cling to David Cook like a security blanket. 

 

Carly and Dopey began to breathe sighs of relieve as Sleepy shuffled his way across the stage....because David Cook isn't in the bottom three tonight.  Right?  Brooke and Kristy accepted Syesha to their group like one would accept a plague stricken leper to ones dining table. 

 

Leaving the Lord of the Troll Patrol backstage in "Time Out", the nail-biting drama was interrupted by the Queen of Unicorns and Diva-ness.  It was time to hear the great mentoress sing her favorite (Randy Jackson produced) song from her new album....Scary Carey, I think it's called.  Something with rainbows on it.

 

Ok, now pop quiz: What does Mariah Carey's microphone and a real crappy movie have in common?

 

If you said "GLITTER!" then you were absolutely right!!!!

 

Taking a BEDAZZLER ATTACKED microphone in hand, the botox faced Mariah grunted out her latest song, most aptly titled Bye Bye.  Not just because someone was going BYE BYE tonight, but more so that her presence on Idol was a clear message to consumers around the nation.  BUY BUY my album!  Funny thing, apparently even Mariah Cary couldn't sounds like Mariah Carey on the Idol stage, failing to hit her trademark wailing shriek.  I know for a fact that she didn't hit the note because the dogs in my neighborhood didn't all begin barking together. 

 

After the performance, Seacrest reffed a bit of banter between Simon & Randy on who took more credit for her success, Mariah clearly amused at her royal subjects pandering to her.  Ryan then asked if she had any advice for the contestants.  "Who? Oh, them!" she mused, "Oh, yeah...you guys were good.  I really liked how they sang my hit songs, the ones that made me such a star."  That's right, Mariah, you are on American Idol, remember?  The Queen then floated off stage, for once making Paula look grounded. 

 

Then, they summoned the final dwarf......Bashful.  Wearing his Michael Jackson's Thriller Jacket, which comes in only child sizes for some reason, David Arculetta meekly approached center stage, like he was  going up to the cute girl in school to ask her if she wanted to....like....go steady with him.  Few certanties remain on Idol, but one has been written in the book of prophecies that the Chosen One, the Car'a'carn of Karaoke, the Elf of Sinatra, Perry Como Reborn....he would wield the Shimmering Microphone from the Stone of Tear and bring the new age of Lounge Singing to the world.  Sure enough,  the prophet of douchebag informed the King of the Troll Patrol that he was SAFE!  Goshes, gollies, and jeepers misters inevitably followed. 

David al'Archuletta is the Car'a'carn of Karaoke!

 

[Myndrunner]

Now, came the moment of truth.  Seacrest asked Archuletta to choose which group he thought was the safe ones and which were the doomed.  A puzzled Archuletta attempted to process such a punk question, but then softly replied "oh no, I don't think anyone should go."  Pushing the issue further, Seacrest demanded that Archuletta go stand next to the one group he thought was the group of safety. 

 

"You must choose which of your friends will be safe, Lews Therin Telethon!" cackled the Forsaken.

 

"No!" shouted the Lounge Dragon Reborn, "you will not make me choose!"  The boy then touched saidin, much like he had been touched before, and hurled a bolt of BALEFIRE at Seacrest, who revealed himself to be DEMANDRED HIMSELF!!!!  Black gates opened on stage as Asha'man and bonded Aes Sedai emerged to battle the three remaining Forsaken.....Randy, Paula, and Simon!!  Trollocs and Mydraal poured into the arena, slicing through fans. 

Prepare for Tarmon Gaidon, Lounge Dragon Reborn!!

 

David Cook grinned and grabbed his bladed quarter staff and shouted "Carai an Bedheadzar! Carai an Cornellia! Al Nickleback!!" (For the Honor of the Bed-head! Honor to Chris Cornell!  Honor to Nickleback!!) It was time to toss the dice! 

 

....Okay, it didn't realy go down like that.  Archuletta just sat down in the middle of the stage, refusing to go anywhere.  Good move on his part, because if he made a choice, right or wrong, it would be incredibly presumptuous.  I'm tossing a few more doucher points to Seacrest pushing the issue and then winking and nodding over to the group on the right..... David Cook, Carly, and Clifford. 

 

The Emergecy Response Teams, who had already put away their First Aid bags, prepared for Brooke's breakdown while Kristy and Syesha began to accept their fate.  The three of them huddled together, seemingly prepared to link in a monstrous weave of protection.  Syesha held her sisters tight....then, Seacrest informed her that she would live to see another week....the other two tried to say goodbye, but instead, they had to talk to the hair.  She had dropped them like a dagger from Shaidar Logoth.

 

So, Brooke clung to Kristy Lee with all her skeletal might.  Kristy Lee, in turn, looked more worried about not being told to go home and perhaps having her soul sucked out by the Neurotic Nanny.  A commercial break later, Seacrest spared no more suspense and informed Kristy Lee that she would not be returning next week. 

 

So, let's review....Kristy was told to go stand next to David Cook, who was surely not going to be eliminated....so she spent the entire show believing herself to be safe....until the very end.  Like I said earlier, true torture is having your hopes and dreams shattered on national television after believing you are safe. 

 

Tears welled up in Kristy's eyes almost as much from the hurt as much as from Brooke's death grip.  The sighs came from the Medical Teams that would not have to cart Brooke White away.  Despite all the sneakyness of the evening, I gotta say that the KLC went out like a pro.  No, not that kind of pro!  She began her swan song by serenading Simon, sitting on the edge of the judges booth.  Then, just after leaning in on him as if to give him a smooch, she turned her back on him and took centerstage...leaving him in the dust! Good for you Kristy! 

 

Too bad Simon didn't give a rats ass.

 

Well, the remaining six chosen joined Kristy Lee on stage and bid their farewells until they saw her again on tour in July.  Six contestants remain......Each ever thankful that it wasn't them.  Except Clifford the Muppet, who began wondering if they still had the Cheesy Gordita Crunch on special at Taco Bell.

 

Yeah, so there it is.....American Idol Sucks....Recapped!...tune in next week!

[Guest Far Dareis Mai]

Hehehe, the funny just keeps on coming! :D

 

Brooke knows her days are numbered, same with Syesha. Carly is flippant because she has probably already been offered record deals from some other companies. Clifford has the little girls under 14 with a cell phone vote. I think though that he could be the next big 'surprise' send off too. It sounds silly, but I almost believe that the producers are saving him for the big upset, to push the other men through to the finals. It won't be 'dramatic' enough if the two predictables go off next. That's a shame too, maybe all those girls will get summarily grounded at the same time in the next couple weeks (when Daddy's cell phone bill comes in), so he gets voted off the island. I guess we'll see!

[Myndrunner]

Yeah, the grumpy dad with his phone bill from the commercial...."I'm so disappointed, 2 million text messages for Jason Castro? I can't afford to send you to college now!"

 

What sucked was that I think Kristy thought she was safe for the few minutes she was standing with David Cook.  When Seacrest made him switch with Syesha, you could feel her heart sink.  Sye seems a little bitter though, of course, I would too if I was competing against every other young, black female singer in the world.  David Cook and David Archuleta are both talented and stand up guys. 

 

My prediction: David will win American Idol!!!

[Myndrunner]

Here are some great clips on YouTube from the last two eliminations (I promise, no Rick Rolls!)

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIZB4cv8zHk

See the Car'a'Carn of Kareoke defy the will of Idol,

Brook White break down, and Kristy sing to an indifferent Simon

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOh4Sb7Hp2A

Ryan tells Whitney and Scary that they are both safe,

see Michael Johns do the math, and Seacrest earn some

serious doucher points!

 

Do you doubt the Lounge Dragon Reborn? Watch and witness his resurrection!

Oh, and Arsenio Hall is in this one too....and Boys II Men!

[Silver]

Heh, finally took a look at some of the performances on YouTube, gotta say David Cook kicks ass.

[Haxorsist]

I haven't heard David Cook, but I read on VFTW that everybody says he's so original when he's only singing okay versions of some rock band's cover of the song, kind like Chris Daughtry with the whole I Walk the Line thang.

[Myndrunner]

Chris Cornell was cool about itwhen David Cook performed his version of Billy Jean.  Everyone was gushing and praising him for his originality....This is what Cornell had to say to Entertainment Weekly: 

 

[i found out about it] on my flight back from touring in South Africa, I started receiving messages from my fansite moderator and management [saying] that fans were furious about some American Idol guy who covered my version of "Billie Jean." It appears the judges had no idea that it was my arrangement and were giving David Cook praise about how brilliant he was in performing the song that way. My fans are very protective and felt David should have volunteered the info [at that point]. Even though he did cover it well, and it was brave of him to try and pull it off. I think he did a great job.

 

I don't think it should be an issue to cover a cover, as long as it's clear who the creator and/or interpretor of that piece is. I think David's performance was great and I want to thank all my fans for their dedication!

 

Apparently, the real issue for Cornell fans was that the judges had no idea about his version of the song and failed to acknowledge him on the show.  Seacrest made it a point the following night to tell Cook and America that Cornell called him and said he loved it.  Great to know that Seacrest has all these buddies that call him. 

 

Copy or not....David Cook does rock and one cannot deny his genius!  His version of Mariah Carey's Always Be my Baby is perhaps his best performance on the show, and an original piece.  (I actually bought the single on iTunes!) I think he's got a long career ahead of him..and I am buying his CD!

 

 

Cornell plots the demise of the boy who stole his creativity.

[Myndrunner]

Here's a must read: Morning After Breakfast with the remaining Idols, from dmunro@fresnobee.com! Very funny read!

 

http://www.fresnobee.com/columnists/munro/story/535974.html

[Myndrunner]

AMERICAN IDOL GOES BRODWAY!!!!!! ITS ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER WEEK!!!!!!

 

Woo hoo.  :-\  You know, maybe it's because showtunes do nothing for me, but last night's Idol in Drag seemed especially painful to watch, but not without some very good train wreck moments, and a couple surprises.  Good thing that there were only six contestants.  Bad thing, is they all had a full 5 minutes of singing time.....in some cases, that five minutes seemed like 5 years.  At least, Actress Roslyn Sanchez was in the audience, sitting behind Simon.  That made it somewhat bearable.....Mamacita!!

 

We started things off with meeting a Brit more pompous and self-congratulatory than Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan combined.....and about as fruity as Dame Edna.  Andrew Lloyd Weber....excuse me, LORD ANDREW (groan), the Legendary Musical composer, father of Phantom of the Opera, Cats, etc....and this week, American Idol Mentor. 

Boo! robble-robble!

 

Here's the thing, as poffy as he was, he did one thing that no other Mentor has done....he actually MENTORED these kids.  Probably because, unlike Dolly and Jolly, he has other people sing his songs instead of singing other peoples songs.  He also seemed genuinely interested in helping them, rather than basking in their worship and pretending to help.  So, all fruityness aside, Lord Andrew actually earned some cool points with me....contrary to the numerous doucher points that our good friend Ryan racked up in the same night.

 

And the first performance of the evening was not only a Show Stopper, but perhaps the biggest surprise of the night. We were treated to Syesha Mercado's performance of.....I don't know, Lady In Red?  I didn't even write down the songs this time, but that didn't matter because she was unbelievable.  I mean, for the first time it wasn't Mariah, Whitney, or Fantasia on stage, it was Syesha Mercado.....or a thin Jennifer Hudson.

 

Still, after putting on the best performance of the night, the judges were still dismissive, as if sensing her inevitable fate.  Randy loved it and claimed it to be her best performance yet, but then mentioned that perhaps she should consider a career on Broadway.  Translation: you're not winning AI.  After pointless ramblings and desperate attempts to sound relevant from Paula, Simon finally got his chance to speak and pretty much backed Randy up on everything he said, being positive about her performance for the first time. Maybe she can pick up an Oscar for Dreamgirls 2: Electric Booogieloo.

Prediction: Her excellent performance saved her from going home tonight.....maybe. 

 

The second performance was a real Show Stopper for an entirely different reason.  You would have thought that Jason Castro would have at least Googled the song he was about to sing before meeting with Lord Andrew to perform it.  Ryan asked Clifford what his reaction was to having to sing Broadway songs, and his response was exactly what one would expect from this Rhodes Scholar.  "Uhhhhh, I wish i knew this was sung by a cat. Huh huh huh." 

 

Lord Andrew was visibly displeased with this guy having no idea where the song came from, or that it was sung by a woman, as it was pointed out. The ALW stated that he felt the song was a brave choice for Castro....Translation: I think its gonna suck!  The training session shown on the Idol-tron reminded me of Jeff Spicoli getting a history lesson from Mr. Hand.  Clifford looked like he forgot to study for the math test he was about to be given.  Lord Andrew also stated in the video interview that he didn't think that Clifford had a bloody clue about the song or that it was sung by a female cat.  See, Lord Andrew sees it?  Wake up, America!

 

Performance wise, I felt he pulled it off very well since it sounded like a cat.....a cat being strangled.  Again, I am not sure what the song was called, but let's say it was called Kitty Litter. I sat through nearly five minutes of excruciating musical butchery that was just too horrible not to watch.  It was like watching a mentally challenged kid try to sing opera.

You mean, a female cat sung this song? 

Ohhh, man I'm gonna fail...

 

 

...but then, even the judges were pulling their punches with this guy, which begs the question, what does this guy have on them?  Randy did admit it was a Train Wreck, but he really pulled his punches with his critique, siting that this just wasn't his type of music.  Hello?  Where were you during Lennon/McCartney week?  Then, the Queen of Hopelessness chimed in with her two cents.  I began chanting "SHUT UP PAULA!" as she continued to try and excuse the deification he took on stage.  Simon then chimed with his opinion that it was a kid who was forced to sing a song he didn't like by his parents against his will at a wedding he didn't want to be at. 

 

The Judges treated him like a mentally challenged child, offering more excuses than criticisms, with the sensuous Actress Roslyn Sanchez sitting in the audience behind them.  I was waiting for Ryan to tell Clifford that his Kool-Aid and Grill Cheese Sandwich was waiting for him backstage. 

 

Anyways, if there is any justice in this world, the Muppet would be getting his strings cut tonight after such a botch job.  I find it hard to believe that he has enough fans to keep him safe from doom after that train wreck.  But then again, he should have been booted a long time ago....

Prediction: Uhhhhh.....see you in the litter box. 

 

 

[Myndrunner]

Keeping with the Show Stopper theme, we had our third of the night....for an even more frightening reason. I had actually expected the queen of melodramatics to score big this week, and Brook White needed to for being in the bottom two last week.  The crisis hotline folks did a great job talking her down from the ledge for her near elimination; however, as a good man once said, you can't fake crazy. 

 

...AND our Lord of Lace and Ballyhoo figured her out right away.  Filling her with enough false confidence to make her downfall even more a crescendo of mental illness, ALW sited that she reminded him of an actress instead of a singer.  Too bad he mistook her weepiness for acting.  I was as surprised as he was that the Neurotic Nanny thought Madonna wrote the lyrics to Evita's farewell song.  "I don't think she had any clue what this song was about," huffed the Lord Andrew. 

 

And this one I remembered because it was so perfectly disturbing for this stage-5 clinger to sing.  Her version of "YOU MUST LOVE ME" echoed more Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction than any other song this season, in the way she performed it.  All she needed was an Ice Pick in her hand instead of a microphone and she would have sent everyone running. She might get an acting gig after all....Wes Craven? Stephen King? Are you guys watching? How about Simon Cowell and Brooke White in the musical version of Misery?  *jots that idea down*

He didn't play the cock-a-doodie ukulele!

 

This is because the REAL Show Stopper was that Brooke actually stopped the friggen show!  Apparently flubbing the first few lines, she stopped and commanded the band to start over. This works great in a studio, but on LIVE national TV, it reeks of fail.  Anyways, this REBOOT caused her performance to tense up like Rand on a blind date with Lanfear.  Her eyes stared manically at the screen, tears welling up inside her, instead of channeling Madonna or Evita, she channeled Kathy Bates. 

 

And the "SHUT UP PAULA" campaign continued as Pointless Paula tried to sound like an authority by scolding Brooke for the start and stop, only to be countered by both Simon and Randy (who are still in the busines) that she did the right thing.  Simon was very matter-of-fact about everything, like he was talking to someone already eliminated.  Meanwhile, Roslyn Sanchez was looking very nice sitting behind them. 

Prediction: Call the Department of Defense.....Brook is about to go Nuclear! 

 

 

Next, our Lord Andrew was as giddy as a NAMBLA member at Boy Scout Camp when little David Archuleta entered his studio.  Apparently, Lord Andrew's house resembles that of Radio City Music Hall.  Anyway, channeling Hansel from Zoolander, Archuleta said in his interview that he has a lot of respect for Lord Andrew....."his music, I don't really listen to, but the fact that he makes it is what I respect. *blush*" This time, ALW didn't mind if Archie had never heard his songs as he slipped a roofie into David's bottled water. 

 

Choosing another song by a woman, our Car'a'Carn had some serious trouble.  I didn't even realize this until one of my roomates pointed out that he had flubbed not one but two of the lines in the song.  We spent the rest of his performance questioning our roomates manhood for actually knowing the lyrics to a son from Phantom of the Opera, but in the end, even that could not prevent the Lounge Singer Reborn from success.  Turning in a real vanilla performance, the judges still gushed...a even Randy said that it was the bomb. 

 

Somebody should kick Paula in the teeth, though.  She stuttered to try and make a more positive comment than "YOUR THE BOMB!!!" and "this is the guy to beat!"  I was waiting for Simon to smack her on the back of the head.  All in all, the sheer volume of Ariche zealots out there should keep him out of the litter box. 

Prediction: The Lounge Dragon lives on!

 

*I probably just doomed him by claiming he is safe!*

[Myndrunner]

Not exactly a Show-Stopper, but a fatal error stopper from the Flaming Lord himself before the big night.  When Carly Hennessy-Smithson informed him of her song choice, he winced....apparently, the song she chose was not that of a tavern wench with a big tatoo on her arm; but then, he inquired about her alternate song choice, which she told him was Jesus Christ Superstar.  The giddy school boy returned when she said that and he demanded that she sing that song instead.  "See, your Irish Eyes are smiling.....and the EYES have it!! tee-hee!"  Awwwwww, Lord Andrew made a funny! 

 

So a more happy and less angry Carly burst onto the stage with a powerful performance, even if she did struggle with saying Jesus Christ on stage before a live audience.  I don't think it is considered a sin to sing about Christ and I wouldn't call it taking the Lord's name in vain; but despite this, she brought life back to the show that seemed to die out after Syesha.  After very positive yet forgettable remarks from the three judges, Carly pulled out a T-Shirt that read "Simon loves me (this week)" to the oooohs and aaaaaahhs of the fans.  Even Simon got a little flushed with that and beamed on camera.  Turning in the second best performance of the evening, Carly nearly clinched her safety with that little comic footnote with Simon......

 

....only to have it all ruined when the programmers switched to a camera shot of her painted husband applauding from the audience.  You could hear the potential votes she would receive shrink like Pac-Man eaten by a ghost.  Alas, the one career move that Lord Andrew failed to advise was dumping Tatoo Tom for someone like Phil Spector.....wait, nevermind. Too bad that we will see you in the litter box with Weepy and Dopey!

Prediction: Bottom three, and unfortunately, will be the closes person to ground zero when the Brooke Bomb goes off.

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, your bottom three of number two.

 

And, the final surprise of the evening was that David "Nicleback" Cook did not take one of ALW's broadway sensations and turn it into a rock opera.  Instead, we were treated to David Cook the Choir Boy!!!  :o  Perhaps the Lord Andrew is responsible for Cook's feminine turn?  In the pre-performance interview, The Flaming Lord was gushing like the school-boy again, appearing actually smitten to a wary David Cook.  "Think of me as a seventeen year old girl..." he grinned, batting his eyes at the increasingly nervous David.  Perhaps they didn't allow any electric guitars this week, or maybe David did some things to lock in his Idol future that he would rather not talk about...

 

Lord Andrew sometimes likes to be a seventeen year old girl!

 

Either way, when the music began, Captain David Sparrow pranced onto the stage, wearing a very long purple sash and frilly shirt.  All he needed was an eye patch and a parrot, but perhaps Lord Andrew was a pirate of a different kind.  Cook still brought in his own Chris Cornell embittering wail to the song, but he performed it more like Ponce de le Idol rather than the true rocker he is. 

 

Avast, I come to turn this ship into a Rock Opera!!

 

Simon's commentary was that he did the best he could with what he had.....and his Orlando Bloom turn probably earned him more votes than less.  Pathetic and pointless Paula still had to chime in, probably in an effort to redeem herself after being shot down TWICE by both Randy and Simon.  Her final words of wisdom?  "You....are.....great."  Thank you, Paula....enjoy your Rum and Xanax. 

 

Meanwhile, Roslyn Sanchez was looking as luscious as ever!

http://www.exposay.com/celebrity-photos/roselyn-sanchez-2003-mtv-movie-awards-0OsWEl.jpg[/img]

Aye, Mamacita!!!! What a fine Domani Woman we have here!!

Oh yeah, Prediction: David Cook is safe, of course!

 

So, it's been a long and whiny road for our dear Brooke, but tonight, it's time to put her down like Old Yeller.  Fitting that HOUSE himself has been called in to join us ringside for the mercy elimination of the Neurotic Nanny.  Again, if there was justice in this world, Clifford would be the one to go home.  Apparently, there is no justice.  Tune in tonight after some stupid sitcoms for the MELT DOWN!!!  Maybe Roslyn Sanchez will be there again tonight!

[reyler]

After hearing one of my favorite Webber songs (Memory) mutilated, and another of them (Music of the Night) limped through, I think they all need to die.

 

That is all.

[Myndrunner]

From what I gathered, it was a rough night for singing all around.....but Clifford and Brooke were the worse.  She's going to go thermal tonight when they kick her off. 

 

Time to put Ol' Yeller down.....*wipes away a tear, cocks shotgun*

[Guest Far Dareis Mai]

Yeah, this sucks. I hate popularity votes. ><

[Myndrunner]

This is bullcrap!  How can the two best performances be in the bottom two and the two worst performances be safe?  This sucks Trolloc dookie!  Ruben Studdard's daggone Celebrate Me Home is still playing in my head from the farewell of one of the most talented singers on the show.  Ok...now the recap...

 

Highlights of tonight's elimination show included Brooke White's jaw dropping reboot and subsequent psycho looks, but showed nothing of Archuleta's blown lyrics.  Also, more clips of excuses of why Clifford the Muppet sucked so bad.  How about he just SUCKS?

 

So anyways, the Idols came out to the stage.  Austin Lloyd Powers jittered on the piano as the six remaining Idol contestants sung a forgettable Broadway song I guess.  After watching Lord Andrew swivel and grin like a naughty shagger during Seacrest's following interview, it occurred to me where Mike Meyers got his inspiration.  I mean, Lloyd Webber was a gold male-symbol medallion away from shouting "YEAHHH BABY!!!" and "Grrroooooovvvvyyy!"

Does Lord Andrew make you horny, baby?

 

Then, Elimination time and no Roslyn Sanchez in the audience to get me through the night.  Oh well, Roz, there's always Google!  Anyways, Ryan noted that there are now only two stools of elimination, as opposed to the stools I mentioned earlier in the kitty litter analogy.  And he then brought them out two by two, the first pair being the two Davids. 

 

Cook seemed very relaxed, still wearing his black bowling league shirt. Nothing like knocking down a few pins before elimination night I guess.  I'll have to say that he seemed extremely calm and confident, but that may have been because he was standing next to a very visibly shaken car'a'carn.  Archuleta knew he blew the song, even if they never showed America, but relief washed over his face when Ryan told them both that they were safe. 

 

T-minus 10:00 minutes to Brooke White detonation.

 

Then, British Pop Idol and Simon Cowell discovery Leona Lewis was paraded around in her see-through white dress, accentuated by a bright white light giving everyone a good glimpse of her....talent.  In the middle of her performance, I thought Kane and the Undertaker from the WWF were coming out to lay some smack-down, but it was just Illuminator flames to help hide this girls mediocre singing voice.  Just where did you "discover" this tart anyway, Simon?

T-Minus 5:00 minutes to Brook White detonation.

 

Then, a sort of Broadway relevance, we were treated to a montage of Season 1 casualty Tamyra Gray on the set of RENT....and a rather chubby looking Clay Aiken, who I believe was the runner up on Season 2...I think, not sure.  Claylord is apparently playing Sir Robin the Chickenhearted in Spamalot, the musical rendition of....well, you know.  Ironically, the commercial break aired a clip of Kelly Ripa advertising home appliances.....calling back the infamous "hand over the mouth" incident when Claylord guest hosted Regis and Kelly. 

T-Minus 2:00 minutes to Brook White detonation.

 

After the commercial break, Seacrest calls out Syesha Mercado and Stephen King's Carrie.  If you looked hard enough, you could see the clock ticking down and the alarms flashing in the eyes of our dear Brooke White.  On second thought, don't look into her eyes....she might eat your soul.  So, a very calm and gleefull Syesha Mercado relished in her glowing reviews of her very Broadway performance from the night. She knew she wasn't going home and Brook somehow knew she was. 

 

[move]ABORT! ABORT! CANCEL DETONATION!!! ABORT!!!!ABORT! ABORT! CANCEL DETONATION!!! ABORT!!!![/move]

 

So you can imagine the shock on both of their faces when it was Syesha that was sent to the stool and Brooke was told to take the couch of safety.  Brooke seemed paralyzed and then whispered something to Syesha, who replied in her mic "You don't need to apologize."  A visibly bitter Syesha Mercado went and took a stool, and the camera cut back to a clip of Castro shouting "WOW! THAT'S SO WIERD, MISTA KOTTER!!"

[Myndrunner]

So right about now, I am beginning to think Clifford might actually be safe tonight, since this is clearly a popularity contest instead of a talent contest. This got me thinking, how come the judges opinion doesn't count?  I mean, I think they should weigh at least a little on the outcome even at this point.....well, except Paula's.  Paula did bring back the chihuahuas tonight, and seemed all Xanax'd up...she also didn't get to say much thankfully. 

 

Dude, where's my ukulele?

 

So they bring Carly Hennessy-Smithson and Clifford the Muppet out onto the stage for their fate to be told. Taking them both through a review of their performances, they jsutfy and excuse Jason's train wreck performance as "just not your music, man!"  Well, what about the Lennon/McCartney catalog?  Whose music was that???  Anyways, then they discuss Carly's change in song choice which she made a fatal mistake...worse than showing a picture of her tatooed husband.....she said "Well, this time I just had fun, ya know, wee Ryan!  From now on, going forward, I'm just gonna bloody well have fun on this show."  I cringed at that.....

 

There are three golden rules in entertainment. 

1)The girl who doesn't have sex in the horror movie is the one who lives.

2)The guy with two weeks to retirement isn't going to make it.

3)On American Idol, don't assume you are going to last long enough to have fun from now on. 

 

And we discover that there is indeed no justice in this world as Clifford the bleeding Muppet was told to go take a seat.....over on the couch of safety.  That meant that Carly Henessy-Smithson would take a stool, but no time for that!!!!  No, now you must sing your bloody song first, after we drop the bomb on you.  I have to say she took it very well though and still had fun with it while Ryan went over to console a visibly shaken Syesha. 

 

One good outcome of this night....because the two people who had the best performances of the night, the last 8 minutes of the show were entertaining.  Syesha swapped places and mics with Carly and instantly transformed into a Broadway sensation.  Cop out statement or not, I think Randy was right about her future in musicals.  Perhaps even acting....shes cute enough and had a lot of fun with her Broadway style as Carly engaged Ryan in a heated Far Daes Mai discussion with her hands. 

 

So, after the bloody commercial break, they asked Randy if he was surprised and he said he was.  I tuned out Paula's irrelevant comment, but they cut away before Simon could speak.  Ryan then made the announcement....CARLY.....

 

.....you're leaving us tonight.    :'(

 

[move]OOOOOOOOHHHHHH CEEELLLEEBRATE ME HOME!!!!!!!!!!  :'( OOOOOOOOHHHHHH CEEELLLEEBRATE ME HOME!!!!!!!!!!  :'(  OOOOOOOOHHHHHH CEEELLLEEBRATE ME HOME!!!!!!!!!!  :'([/move]

 

They should sing "Nah nah naaaah naaaah, Goodbye!" 

 

And, for the first time, her husband was not in the audience, but it was too late.....

So, we bid a fond farewell to this Irish lass, living the dream.  After a teary eyed goodbye, she kept her composure and actually began to smile.  Funny, the safe Brooke seemed to wonder why Carly was hugging Syesha instead of her.  "YOU MUST LOVE ME!"  Well, goodbye Carly, looking forward to your next CD!

 

And now, the Carly Smithsonintes must join forces with another camp to strike down the MUPPET of MEDIOCRE......or will, in this cruel world, will Clifford the bloody flaming Muppet......WIN AMERICAN IDOL???? 

Our next American Idol?

[reyler]

American Idol results are supposed to be based on talent?  ??? I never realised that!

 

Come on man, you know the attractive people never make it as far as they do on vocals alone. And keep in mind we've Sanjaya as living proof that there are people who honestly don't want the best to win.

[Myndrunner]

Attractive?!?!?!?!!!

To what? A cocker spaniel????

[Guest Far Dareis Mai]

Clifford the Muppet, while having a huge fan base, will not take the win. For me it is definitely between the young lad and David Cook. I'm more inclined to think David Cook actually, but we shall see on that score. It remains to be seen where all of the Carly fans will throw their votes now. I'm thinking Cook...

 

I'm really bummed about Carly, I didn't think she really was able to showcase her voice, but that's fine because you know she is going to get a deal somewhere. As far as Syesha goes, she's rather inconsistent, but it seemed as though they were almost plugging her for Broadway casting, with the whole Tamara Gray "where are they now" set. I wouldn't be surprised if we saw Syesha on Broadway. Probably better that way, as I wouldn't buy her pop cd's. :D

 

So now we have Clifford, Syesha, and Brooke fighting tooth and nail to remain alive. They have to know they aren't going to take the win...I'm just wondering who is going to crack first. For my part, I'm beginning to think if Syesha lands in the bottom two one more time, she's going to bust out some kind of crazy. Have you noticed how much angrier she gets each episode? *snickers*  ;D