Dre Arrives at the Tower (Attn MoN)

[bcxanth]

OOC: If you want her bio, it here: http://forums.dragonmount.com/index.php/topic,20015.0.html

 

An'drea approached the White Tower wearily, her steps shuffling and her face haggard. She'd seen hard times over the past several days, after having to sell her horse for money for food and walking the rest of the way to Tar Valon. And even the food money had run out over the past couple of days. She was tired, and hungry, and full of self-doubt at her plan. But she was here now, and couldn't turn back, so it was now or never.

 

Walking up to the gates of the Tower she approached a guard, hanging her head to let her hair hide the scar on her face. Unsure of herself, wondering if she was even going about this the correct way, she addressed the guard while staring at his feet.

 

"Excuse me sir," she mumbled.  "My name is An'drea Tior, and I've travelled all the way from Kandor to become an Aes Sedai."

 

The guard looked at her for a moment, not exactly used to girls just walking up to him off the street and asking to become an Aes Sedai. "What's that you say?  An Aes sedai?  I'll have someone take you into the Tower. There you can wait for one of the Sisters to decide what to do with you."

 

Motioning to another guard who had been listening to the exchange, the other guard stepped up to Dre and placed a hand on her shoulder, saying "Come with me girl."

 

Dre walked with the guard across the Yard and up the steps to the Tower. Soon she found herself in alarge hall with other people, men and women, who had come to the Tower with petitions. She sat on a bench and waited, staring at her feet, wondering what she'd do if the Aes Sedai told her she had to leave. That she wasn't good enough.  Soon a young woman in a white dress with bands of color along the bottom came up to her with a smile.

 

"So, are you the one they say has come to learn?" she asked.

 

"Yes," replied Dre, glancing up at the woman. "I want to be an Aes Sedai."

 

"Well then, I'm to take you to the Mistess of Novices. She will sort you out quick enough. Who know, you may be one of us soon."

 

Motioning Dre to follow, the woman lead her through a maze of corridors and stairways, before arriving in a long hallway that ended in a wooden door.  With a glance over her shoulder to see that Dre was waiting still, the girl knocked on the door.  From inside a voice called "Come!" and the girl opened the door and then curtseyed to whomever was inside.

 

"Please Aes Sedai, I've brought the young girl who arrived saying she wants to learn. I was told to bring her to you straight away."

[Wayfarer]

"Come in!"

 

Setting aside her quill as the door opened, Darienna Ceradin frowned as she looked up at the girl who had come to disturb her.  Well, woman, Melina had been an Accepted for some years now.  Not exactly the best behaved of them, but she had earned her place and worked hard and that was what counted with Darienna.

 

Listening to what Melina had to say, Darienna sighed as she took her pipe from her mouth.  "Well what is she doing outside then?  Bring her in already.  And no, you don't get to go anywhere just yet, you can come in as well."  Smiling as the new girl came in, it quickly changed to a frown as she saw the girl's condition.  "The wheel doesn't look like its been spinning in your favour of late young girl.  The pair of you take a seat."

 

Gesturing to the pair of chairs that sat before her table, Darienna replaced her pipe in her mouth as she began sorting through her right drawer.  Removing a blue gem that wasn't quite a sapphire, she held it above the middle of the table and dropped it into a weave of air she used to secure it in place.  It wasn't necessary to do so, but Darienna had found that an object suspended in midair tended to hold an aspiring girl's attention better than it simply sitting in her hand.

 

"Alright, first of all your name, age and place of origin?"  An'drea Tior, sixteen and from Kandor, Darienna filed that information away mentally as she continued.  "Well, here is the thing An'drea.  Of all the women in all the Westlands, only a few possess the natural gift of channeling, the ability to work weaves to achieve things like levitating this item before us.  If you are to be Aes Sedai, we must first learn whether you possess the ability."

 

"See this gem here?"  Darienna gestured to it as she puffed away happily on her pipe.  "This is a ter'angreal, an item made of the one power.  Its purpose is to determine whether girls like yourself possess the ability to channel saidar, the female side of the power that drives all creation.  I want you to stare at the gem, focus on it with all your thoughts and will.  Nothing else exists but that gem, don't think of anything but that gem.  It may take minutes, it might even take an hour, but if you can channel then it will give us a sign."

 

Leaning back in her chair, Darienna watched and waited to see whether An'drea would prove to have the ability.  It wasn't often, but she always remained hopeful wherever she could.  Even if only one in a hundred women that came to be tested proved to be capable, then it was worth the disappointment found in the other ninety nine women.

 

 

Darienna Ceradin

Mistress of Novices

 

OOC:  Stare at the gem :D  It can take between 2 and 20 minutes, but eventually it'll briefly glow a pale blue.  Thats the sign we're after to make you a Novice, take it from here :)

[bcxanth]

Dre gulped as she followed the woman into the room and saw the speaker, a woman who che couldn't put an age to, sitting behind a large desk with pipe in hand. The look on her face was intimidating to someone who couldn't help but remember all the stories about Aes Sedai.

 

""The wheel doesn't look like its been spinning in your favour of late young girl.  The pair of you take a seat."

 

Dre blushed sightly, cringing inside at how horrible she must look, and checked to make sure her long hair was still hanging down to cover her scar. She listened with rapt attention as Darienna Sedai dropped the small blue gem and dropped it suspended in mid air. Following directions she fixed all her attention on the gem and concentrated her entire mind on the task at hand, though the entire time a small voice whispered inside her that she was going to fail, that there was no way she could ever become an Aes Sedai.

 

A minute passed that seemed like an hour, and then another, dragging on for her as if stretching into forever. Finally after five minuted Dre began to despair of it ever happening. She sighed and let her mind relax, letting the doubting voice go silent, and at that very moment the gem glowed with an unmistakeable blue light that was not a reflection from the other light in the room.

 

"Is... is that it?" she asked timidly. It had been such a small glow. It was probably just a mistake.

[Wayfarer]

"Thats it."

 

Smiling as she took the gem and returned it to the drawer, Darienna looked over the girl anew even as she withdrew the Novice Roll from another drawer and sat it infront of her.  Dipping her quill in the inkpot, she began to carefully inscribe the girl's name, age and place of origin within as she spoke.  "I'm just entering you into the Novice roll now.  Once thats done, I'll get you your Novice garments and then we'll see about getting you a bath and a meal."

 

Finishing up, Darienna slipped the roll away before getting to her feet, gesturing for An'drea to do the same.  "Up, lets take a look at you."  Circling around the girl, Darienna frowned as she poked the girl in the stomach.  Too thin, and her hair needed some attention as well.  Reaching for it, Darienna frowned as the girl shied away to her right a little, but a look was all that was needed to ensure she didn't do so twice.  Lifting the girl's hair back, Darienna nodded to herself as she let it fall back where it had been.

 

Turning to her desk, Darienna snatched a piece of blank paper along with a quill and wrote down a few notes on it.  Folding it, Darienna handed it to Melina.  "I want you to take this and see to it everything I have listed there is arranged.  Go on."

 

Watching the Accepted depart, Darienna made her way to the side room on the right to locate some clothing that would fit the girl.  As she did so, she called out.  "So, what is your story?  What prompted you to come to the Tower to begin with?"

 

 

Darienna Ceradin

Mistress of Novices

[bcxanth]

Dre frowned slightly behind the Aes Sedai's back as she walked out of the room, feeling very uncomfortable at the direct look she'd given Dre's scar. Her thoughts started to drift into a very depressing spiral when she was immediately jerked back to reality as the Aes Sedai called out from the other room. "So, what is your story?  What prompted you to come to the Tower to begin with?"

 

Dre thought about this question for a moment, pondering just how to answer.  There were many things that she could say that she was sure would satisfy, but the memory of those eyes upon her made her decide that the whole truth would be the best bet.

 

"I...  I came because I failed once." Dre hesitated at this point, doing her best to master the tears she delt building. "Trollocks raided 10 years ago. It was a bad. Half the village was in flames.  My older brother..." At this she had to stop for a moment, the memory of her brother grabbing his sword and running out to fight filling her mind. "He'd just turned 18 a month before. Had been practicing with his sword for only a year. He ran out to join the other men.  I knew he needed me. He needed help. He couldn't fight on his own. I grabbed a knife and ran after him. He was fighting a trollock.  I ran over to him. I tripped. The knife I was carrying..."

 

She trailed off again, this time absentmindedly touching the scar on her face, remembering the feel of the blade as it'd cut her before she passed out. This time barely keeping from outright crying. "When I woke out I found out my brother had died. The trollock killed him, and left me for dead. My brother died because I failed. I won't fail again.  My mother always said that the Creator made women to keep men out of trouble, and she was right. And I failed in that. I can't let it happen again."

 

Sighing, Dre looked up as the Aes Sedai came back into the room, and hastilly scrubbed at her face to hide the tears she knew must be pouring from her eyes. "Please, you need to understand. Growing up, people laughed at me and called me stupid. How could I, a skinny ugly girl think she was going to protect men? Men have big muscles and big swords. Well I know my brother had big muscles and a big sword, but he died because I was clumsy and tripped. Men need us to protect them, and I need to learn to be an Aes Sedai so I can do that. "Fire flashed in Dre's eyes as she finally showed some spirit for the first time, looking the Aes Sedai directly into the eyes. "Call me silly if you'd like, but I know it's what I'm supposed to do."

 

OOC: Obvious Green material I think. :)  But she needs to get some confidence. I'm considering playing up some kind of block laong the lines of that little voice in her head keeping her from being able to channel unless she's able to stop listening to it.

[Wayfarer]

Listening to the girl's story as she picked out clothing for her, Darienna frowned as she heard the tone of voice slowly descend from calm to anguish.  She wouldn't be the first girl to have come from the Borderlands with a deeply buried hurt, yet if her maths were correct, An'drea was only six when her brother was killed.  She'd been blaming herself for that long and no one had ever tried to do something about it?  Or not tried hard enough, either alternatives did not sit well with Darienna at all.  Retrieving a couple of shifts and some underclothes from the shelf, Darienna returned to the office.

 

But the girl wasn't done.  Didn't sound like people had supported her ideas back at her home, Darienna didn't blame them.  A girl her size saying she was going to protect men three times her size?  Short of the one power, that was never going to happen which was why this turn of events had been a fortunate one for the girl.  Or maybe not, failing might have forced the child to re-evaluate how she saw herself and her purpose.  But it was a gain for the Tower, and the sisters would have to help her with it now.

 

Handing the clothing to the girl, Darienna said.  "You're silly."  Smiling at the look that got, Darienna added.  "Not for wanting to protect others.  But for shouldering a burden like that, for something you did when you were six years old, perhaps I speak out of ignorance but I don't think your brother would have blamed you.  Either way, if you ever want to come to me at some point to talk about that, or anything else, you will always be welcome to come and talk to me.  Alright?"

 

Reaching back over her desk, Darienna opened one of the top drawers and withdrew a handkerchief from it.  Handing it to An'drea, a knock at the door signalled someone else had arrived.  Asking who it was, Darienna was glad to hear it was Melina.  Calling her in, Darienna turned back to the new Novice.  "Melina here will show you out of the Tower.  Behind the Tower is a large building that is the home of the Accepted and Novices.  In your room a tub has been delivered, there will be hot water and soap and some hair oils.  Once your bath is done, be sure to change into your Novice uniform."

 

"While you are gone I'll be picking your mentor from amongst my sisters.  Whoever is picked will come to your room to take to the Dining Hall where you can get a meal and they will then show you around.  Go with Melina."  Nodding at the thanks that were given by the girl, Darienna returned to her seat once the pair were gone and the door closed.

 

Leaning back on her seat as she contemplated the question of An'drea and what mentor to assign her, a knock sounded from the door that caused Darienna to frown.  Another person to be tested perhaps?  Though two in one day would be quite a stretch, more likely someone who had been thrown out of class for being disruptive, and that narrowed down who it could be quite considerably.  "Enter!"

 

Rory sighed, sulked, steeled herself and then entered. Darienna Sedai was a real piece of work and she never found the numerous occasions in the woman’s office enlightening or thrilling. A normal person would stop causing trouble; Rory was not exactly normal, and enjoyed her little pranks too much. So a certain Aes Sedai had not appreciated taking a bite of her food which had mysteriously been turned into stone, big deal. No one could even tell her tooth was chipped, not really and why had Rory been the first accused? She had done it, but that was far from the point, wasn’t it. It was all about equal opportunity Darienna had punished Rory and Saline nicely over the entire prank incident, and by that she meant unpleasant, the light only knew what she’d cook up now. Gulping, Rory entered.

 

Seeing who it was, Darienna smiled as she saw who it was, her guess had been right on the money.  Maybe she could make use of Rory, but first of all she needed to discover why the young woman was here to begin with.  "Rory, what a pleasure to see you.  You've come without an escort so we can assume you didn't set any fires or break anyone's nose, thats always a good start.  So, why are you here?  And how did you get yourself caught?"

 

“There do be transpired an act of the … err … questionable variety and I do be blamed before I even do be asked to explain myself. That do be unfair ….” She withered under the stare, “Okay, so I do be the culprit, still, should have been asked first. I do be not knowing how they came to blame me, I suspect pure malice!”

 

"Rory."  The tone was a warning one now, this wasn't the first time that Darienna had heard such a protest and they both knew full well why Rory had received the blame straight away.  Rory had earned herself the reputation of being a troublemaker with few to match her, now she had to wear it.  "You know full well why you were picked out, I know why you were picked out.  Lets skip that and get to what you actually did and why."

 

“An experiment, nothing more, honest! Purely harmless … mostly.” She gave an innocent smile. “I do be adding a large concentration of earth to her meal for substance and … err fibre … no one was supposed to get injured, or incensed. It was only a tooth. It no do be like she no do be having thirty or so more where it do be coming from.”

 

Raising an eyebrow, Darienna shook her head.  "Rory, how was that ever a good idea to begin with?  I believe we had this discussion the first time I had to discipline you.  Pranks should never do any permanent damage, you had just better hope that a Yellow sister is able to fuse that broken chip back.  Clearly we're going to have to have a long discussion about this."

 

"But, I have something for you to do."  Darienna had made her decision, and she needed time to think of something suitable for Rory anyway.  "I want you to go and find Estel Sedai.  Yes Rory, the Estel Sedai of the Blue Ajah, there is no other Estel Sedai so don't bother.  I want you to inform her that I require her presence here immediately, and you are to bring her here.  After I've spoken with her, I'll be speaking with you and we will work out the most appropriate penance for playing with other people's food."

 

"Go."  Darienna waved her hand dismissively as she puffed away on her pipe.

 

 

OOC: Rightio, An'drea you should write going to your room, having a bath and getting to grips with your room.  Rory is going to fetch Estel for Darienna, the pair are going to have a chat before Estel is sent your way :)

[Sam]

Rory just couldn’t wait to have the discussion with Darienna, it was sure to be filled with girlish squeals of laughter and palm fronds of friendship. Rory do be doing this, Rory do be doing that. Darienna had been the Dark One himself in a previous life. No, no do be stepping out of the tower to find evil, sisters, it do be right there! Mistress of Novices, bah!

 

Estel Sedai had finally forgiven Rory for her … little accident involving the stairs, they had even worked together on her latest and best prank. Sisters suspected, of course, but none of them could prove anything and it wasn’t worth the hassle of extracting the information from Rory against her will. She had been punished, she and Saline—regrettable, that—and it was all over and done with now.

 

Finding Estel’s private study in the Blue Ajah quarters was easy enough and Rory hoped she wasn’t in bed with a man again, that would be terribly awkward. She knocked lightly and called through the door rather than tempting fate by opening it.

 

“Estel Sedai, Estel Sedai, Darienna … Sedai,” Rory added the last honourific, hedging against the Mistress finding out otherwise, “do be wanting you. I do be sent to fetch and escort you back to her. Yes. It do be me, Rory, again. Hey, no do be laughing!”

[bcxanth]

An'drea stared around her, trying to take in her new situation, as the young woman, (Melina was it?) lead her out of the Tower and around back. As they walked they passed through what seemed to be a practice yard and full of people sparring with various weapons, target practice, and other arts of battle. Many of the young men, and women, caught her eye as being rather attractive. It was too bad none would ever have an interest in a scarred wreck like her, but if the rumors she'd heard were any indication she doubted she'd have much time for outside pursuits anyway.

 

Soon Melina lead her into a large building in the back of the Tower grounds and showed her to her room. inside was a large bath full of steaming water and all the things necessary to wash the weeks of travel away. For some reason Melina didn't leave, as if feeling she needed to keep an eye on An'drea, but she didn't care. She was far too interested in the prospect of a bath to be self-conscious. Stripping quickly she slipped into the hot water and began to sluice away the layers of grime as she thought about all that had transpired.

 

She was at the White Tower now, and enrolled as a Novice. Her uniform seemed to be a plain white dress with a wash-leather purse bleached white to go with it, so that must be what Novices wore. She knew from stories in the Borderlands, where Aes Sedai are not unknown, that there was another group of women called Accepted. From the way Darienna Sedai had made Melina jump, and from the other women she'd seen wearing the same banded dress, she must be one of the Accepted.

 

"Melina," called out An'drea suddenly, "how long does it usually take to become an Aes Sedai after you first come to the Tower?"

 

Melina had been sitting in in the only chair in the room, watching An'drea bathe with a distracted and absent look on her face, and gave a start at being addressed. "How long?  On average, about 20 years. Some less, some more, but usually at least that long. 10 as a Novice, and 10 as an Accepted."

 

An'drea quailed inside at this information. 20 years! She couldn't help but despair about her aspirations now. She didn't know how she could ever manage that long. But she knew she had to, and so she knew she'd do it. There was no other choice.

 

Soon she finished her bath and slowly got dressed, enjoying the feel of clean clothes against her skin once more, then slowly brushed out her hair and pulled in forward across the right side of her face to once again hide her scar. Settling down on the bed she engaged Melina in idle conversation about life in the Tower as she waited for her Mentor to show up. She was anxious to begin her training.

[Guest Estel]

Rory’s irritation at her laughter only heightened her amusement.  “What’d you do this time, Rory?”  A sudden thought struck her and cut her amusement short.  “Or is it about… Did she find out?”  Noting the younger woman’s confusion, Estel lowered her voice to a whisper.  “About me I mean?”  The Accepted’s shaking head sent a powerful surge of relief through her body and she half-made to hug the girl before recognizing the inappropriateness.  Rory got a mischievous grin instead.

 

Estel followed as if she didn’t know exactly where the Mistress of Novices’ office was- though she was not familiar with the new Mistress herself- she was intimately familiar with the room itself and with the woman who had occupied the office some three Mistress of Novices previous.  Suffice it to say, it was hardly her favourite room in the Tower and in fact ranked among the rooms that held her worst memories; other being the Warders Yards and the two chambers in the bowels of the Tower where women were raised to Accepted and Aes Sedai.

 

Upon reaching the door, another flutter of fear rose that she might be called out for engaging in very un-Aes Sedai-like behaviour.  The Blue had had more than her share of penances as was.

 

“Darienne Sedai.” she said inclining her head.

[Wayfarer]

Looking up at Estel who had just entered, Darienna frowned at the honorific that was attached to her name.  Estel's long history with one of her predecessors, not to mention her tendency for trouble, would have made Darienna rather suspicious of the neutral manner in which she was being approached.  But, that was neither here nor there, she had not been required to discipline Estel as of yet and even if she had, she didn't make the requirement of the honorific from her sisters save from those who exceedingly irritated her.

 

Looking at Rory who was about to run off now that Estel had been delivered, Darienna immediately had a finger pointing at the girl as she called out.  "Don't even think about it Rory, you can wait outside until we are done.  And close the door while you're at it."  Rory was smart enough not to push her, it was one thing to tempt fate but she was already in trouble.  Watching as she sat still, she waited until the door was closed before addressing her sister.  "We needn't use formality Estel, please, have a seat."

 

Gesturing to the seats before her, Darienna grabbed a piece of paper and began scribing some pertinent details such as the name of Estel's new charge and the room she was quartered in as she spoke.  "I've asked you here because I have a particular duty for you.  Specifically, you are now the mentor of a girl called An'drea Tior.  Like all novices, she's young and out of her depth and I'm going to be relying on you to take care of her and make sure she settles in well."

 

If Estel had been expecting something, Darienna surmised that this wasn't it.  But, Darienna had made her choice and that was it as far as she was concerned.  "Your role with this girl will be doubly important.  From what I have been able to glean from her, she lost her brother when she was young and blames herself for it.  The experience has shaped her enough that she didn't grow up the typical girl and she wasn't that well treated by her peers because of it, it even led to her coming here to be tested.  She will have a great need of people that she can trust and that can understand her, I'm more than certain that you can do this."

 

"Like all novices, she will need her mentor to be someone she can look up to as well as be able to trust.  As to her current situation, I have her in her quarters in a tub of water getting clean with Accepted Melina watching over her.  She was fairly bedraggled and looked like she hadn't eaten for awhile when she first came in.  So your first move once you meet her should be to take her to the Dining Hall to get something to eat.  With any luck she should open up to you quite quickly."

 

"I'm sorry, I know this is coming out of the blue but I believe that you will be a good match for her as a mentor."  Pausing, Darienna then winced as something occurred to her.  "And sorry, the pun was unintended."

 

 

Darienna Ceradin

Mistress of Novices

[Guest Estel]

Somehow Darienna just rubbed her the wrong way.  Maybe it was the flippant way she insisted on informality or maybe it was the ridiculous pun.  Perhaps Estel just had grudges against anyone who help authority; Sirayn, Serena and all her Novice tyrants would fall into that category.  Then again, it could be just as simple as the fact that the young Blue was rubbish when it came to mentees and children in general, her own or others, and rebelled against yet another impending failure.

 

Either Darienne was completely knew to her post or someone had been feeding her the wrong rumours.  Estel a good match for a troubled Novice?  It was laughable.  Estel was the reason one of her first mentees, Aithne, had been so troubled and that was because she had abandoned the girl to fend for herself.  She had failed the girl because she was too damn caught up her in own problems to notice anyone else’s.

 

Then again, Disendra seemed to be doing fine.  At least until they had gotten over her introduction to saidar class…

 

The Blue took care not to glare nor snort in the Mistress of Novices direction on her way out but she began cursing under her breath as soon as the door was shut.  ‘Bloody fool woman.  “Perfect match?”  Mother’s milk in a cup!’  White-clad girls scattered, curtsying as circumspectly as possible, before angrily kicked blue skirts.  Sisters received only the most compulsory of nods as she stalked through the never-ending hall of the White Tower; their beauty and meandering course another source of irritation for her frayed nerves.

 

Estel would never admit to anyone she was nervous.

 

White-painted, but otherwise unadorned, wood met her eyes and cool, faded brass her hand.  It had not been her door but it was as similar to her own had been as every other throughout the mostly-empty warren they called the Novice Quarters.  The halls teemed with life- except the hall she had entered as no intelligent initiate would dare try a Sister’s patience by meandering by at a steady pace with nothing to do.  Might as well scream “use me, please!”

 

Two curt knocks and she opened the door to find her new mentee, clean, malnourished and stuffed into a loose fitting white wool dress and chatting amiably with an Accepted.  At least the girl didn’t appear terribly shy.  Estel could never understand shy people.  The Accepted split quick enough with a simple jerk of the head.  Quick curtsy and a flurry of banded skirts left the Blue and brand-new Novice quite alone.

 

She smiled, memories of her own dear mentor floating back across much unhappier memories.  “Welcome here.  I’m Estel, your mentor.”

[bcxanth]

An'drea jumped to her feet as Melina scurried from the room, regretting her absence. The girl had been a comfort. The first truly friendly person she'd felt comfortable with since arriving. She couldn't help but stare at the Aes Sedai. She was tall, far taller then Dre had imagined, and she was beautiful in a close fitting dress that made Dre blush to see. She couldn't help but feel ugly next to this woman, and immediately dropped her head to let her hair hide her scar.

 

"Hello Estel Sedai," she said, with a clumsy attempt at a curtsey as Melina had told her was appropriate. "Thank you for the welcome. Darienna Sedai said you would help me settle in here and help me get started. Please, I want to get started. It's all so... strange and exciting here. But I know I can't do what I need to do it I don't learn."

[Guest Estel]

Eager but with a reserve that had been absent in Disendra.  Her last mentee had leaped into training with a fervour match only with that which Estel put towards holding grudges.  It was a strange combination that was no doubt a result of the guilt An’drea felt over her brother’s death.  How in the Light did Darienna expect Estel, of all people, to help her?  Why not send her to Lillian?  Lillian was remarkably good at picking up on what exactly was the matter and what needed doing to fix it.  The White would then go about fixing it.  The Blue, on the other hand, tended to be the one in need of helping far more often than she was the one doing the helping.

 

She waved off the girl’s attempt at a curtsy and the honorific.  “If this is going to work at all, forget the formalities when we’re alone.  I’m not here to lord it over you that I’m a full Sister and you’re only a Novice.”  Though light knew she did that enough.

 

Running her eyes over An’drea’s figure, Darienna’s words proved true enough.  The girl’s cheeks were hollow, her arms and wrists frail and had her dress fit properly, Estel didn’t doubt she would have been able to count her ribs straight through the fabric.  It was still some two hours before supper but what were times when one’s mentee was starving to death before one’s very eyes?

 

“Well, first things first, let’s get you something to eat before you disappear whe you turn sideways.”

 

 

Ushering the girl out the door, Estel wasted no time to laying out the ground rules for the thin girl.  Going through everything from proper courtesy to an Accepted, up to the Amyrlin Seat herself, the Blue let herself prattle on occasionally glancing over to make sure every word was taken in and stored away.  Or at least make sure the An’drea could fake attentiveness.  Nothing would help the girl more through her initiate years than being able to look attentive and busy while actually daydreaming.  Would save her backside a number of beatings- Estel’s own backside could attest to that!

 

Since supper was only just being put on, Laras handed An’drea a basket of cold cuts instead to hold her over until she could be served a hot supper.  Leading the girl out into one of the Tower Gardens, Estel sat them down on a bench and asked the traditional question.

 

“How did you end up here, An’drea?”

[bcxanth]

Dre walked along beside the Estel, trying to take in everything she was saying. However her mind kept wandering to the thought of food. She felt like it'd been weeks since she had eaten properly, and days since she'd had any food at all. Despite her distraction, some of the things Estel was saying did manage to sink in. Things that Melina hadn't gotten around to telling her about. Not allowed around the Warder trainees? Not allowed to socialize with boys? She could handle that. She hated thinking about any boy looking at her face. The mere thought of it made her hide her face again. She didn't like the thought that she could be trapped inside the grounds of the Tower for the next 10 years. At least the Accepted were allowed into the City at times.  It was going to be rough, but it would be worth it.

 

Finally the two of them arrived at the dining hall and Estel escorted her into the kitchen, where a large woman named Laras who seemed to be in charge gave Dre an assortment of cold cuts. Her mouth was watering as she followed Estel out into the grounds and sat with her. She fell to eating immediately as they sat, and it took her a moment to register the question she'd been asked.

 

“How did you end up here, An’drea?”

 

Dre swallowed her food and stared up at the Aes Sedai, trying to compose her thoughts. "Please, call me Dre," she started. "If you want us to be informal when we are alone, then please call me what my friends called me back home. As for why I came, it's because of something that happened in my childhood. Like I told the Mistress of Novices, my brother was killed 10 years ago, all because I was too clumsy and stupid to help him. Because of me, he ended up dead, and I ended up..." and she trailed off, absently touching the scar down her face. "I got what I deserved. My mother always taught me that men needed women to protect them in this life, and I need to make sure I never fail in that again."

[Guest Estel]

She saw what Darienne had meant by Dre being haunted by her brother’s death.  Someone had to convince the girl she was not at fault.  Lillian was good at that sort of thing.  Why not send the bloody child to Lillian?  Estel was awful at dealing with her own problems, let alone others’!  Why her?

 

That question was far too damn familiar.  Why did she end up under the thumb of a cold, manipulative Sister?  Why did she have to abandon her son with her mother?  Hell, why did she have to get pregnant?  Why did her love end up blind?  Why did her first Warder die?  ‘Why this?  Why that?  Why me?  Serena always told me I spent more time whining about ‘Why me?’ than actually fixing the damned problem.’

 

The subject of Matthias’ death was suddenly stuck in her head.  She had Bonded him after Orion, her love and the man she had been expected to Bond, had been blinded during the last month of her time as Accepted.  Matthias had been everything Orion had been before his blinding; tall, strong, handsome, capable- the perfect Bondmate.  It hadn’t stayed at Bondmate though.  She had felt his jealousy every time he saw her and Orion together and felt Estel’s helpless love for the Sheinaran.  Estel, desperate for some way to get over Orion, had turned to Matthias’ more-than-willing arms and in the middle of a trip out to the Blight had found herself with his child.  A month later, in the middle of the Blight, their small party of three, discounting the foetus as Estel and Matthias had had a mad male channeller with them, was attacked by a Dreadlady.  She killed Matthias and nearly killed the newly-raised Blue before a party of Reds, not coincidentally looking for the same man Estel had had captive, chase the Dreadlady off.

 

“…my brother was killed ten years ago…”

 

In her mind those few seconds where she had felt pain  his pain  replayed over and over again. Again she felt him burn  Light, it felt like she was the one burning! She felt the first ball of Fire rip through his shoulder, tearing that arm free of its body. It scorched his face and chest. In the air, the smell of burning hair and flesh was strong. So strong she could nearly taste it. She felt dry ashes suck the moisture from her mouth. Blood and ashes but she wanted to sick up, only she was too shocked to do that.

 

The second fireball had ripped through his abdomen. The pain was briefer this time but all the more terrible. Matthias' legs had stayed in his stirrups, but the rest of him was propelled backwards, burning, to the ground. For moments  prolonged by her mind  she felt him burn. Felt the last bit of life leak out of him. That life was like a candle: there for a moment and blown out the next.

 

“...all because I was too clumsy and stupid to help him.”

 

‘I bloody killed him. Not this man. I could have prevented it, but I couldn’t. I failed.’ Her thoughts struck home and she fell to the ground weeping, as her bonds loosened a little around the man. How could she have let her Matthias die?

 

“Because of me, he ended up dead…”

 

‘The Last Embrace of the Mother welcome you home, Matthias Gaidin.’ But how did that make her feel? How should she feel? Light, the man had brought her nothing but more misery; not of his doing but of hers. She had created this mess. It wasn’t Matthias’ fault he ended up with an Aes Sedai who wanted nothing to do with him. ‘He deserved better than me. Burn me, he was a true gaidin until the end, but I...’ Her mind didn’t need to finish the thought, her heart wept.

 

“I got what I deserved.”

 

Wiping tears from here eyes Estel got up to open the door. Light, she was a mess. The emptiness she had felt before was replaced by a flood of agony. The breaking of the Bond was more than just a normal emotion, it was induced by a loss of a part of one's self.

 

Estel turned away from the girl to hide the tear that slid down her cheek from her eye.  Her composure hung by one of the fingernails that threatened to draw blood from her palm as she clenched her fists.  The metallic taste of blood nearly made her spit and she loosed her lip from the savage bite of her teeth while her mind worked at Novice exercises, desperately trying to be the proper mentor and provide a shining example of Aes Sedai serenity.

 

“You insult me.”  She couldn’t bring herself to look at the girl, preferring to stare off at the tangle of red roses climbing a nearby arbour.  Honestly, she would prefer climbing naked through those thorns than reliving the horrors of her past but her pain would be this one’s gain.  Hopefully.  Likely as not, this would fall on its face like everything else.

 

“If you say that by being unable to save your brother means you failed him and life in general, you say the same of me.  In fact, you insult me worse than you insult yourself.  He was your brother and you were not responsible for his behaviour.”

 

The ocean was spread out before her and she stood some ten feet up, looking down on it from the cliff.  She had to jump but to do so she would be braving the rocks at the bottom.  But it was time and the girl at the bottom was drowning.  Servants of all weren’t supposed to let little girls drown because they were scared of a few scrapes and bruises.

 

Taking a deep breath, she jumped.  But it was her past, not the ocean.

 

“It was some four or five years after I had taken the shawl.  I was Bonded to Matthias Talcontar- he was pledged to protect me and I him.  We were in the Blight when, in the blink of an eye, we were attacked by a Dreadlady.  There was nothing I could have done to save him.”  The words sounded hollow and they grated against the First Oath.  There had been nothing to do to save him but she should have saved him none-the-less.  “He died and I nearly did as well but was saved by Maegan and Perrine Sedai.”  Reds.  Estel hated Reds and had been free with her ire despite begrudged gratitude.

 

“There was nothing you could have done for your brother.  We aren’t so different, you and I, but every time you tell yourself you have failed in life you tell me too that I have failed.”  Estel left out that she had though.  Everything she tried exploded in her face, leaving her with nothing but a shawl that she hardly deserved.

[bcxanth]

“You insult me.”

 

Dre's head jerked up, the shock evident on her face, as the Aes Sedai spoke. She listened to her story without quite comprehending what was going on. How could she have ended up in this situation, with an Aes Sedai mad at her.  Waiting for her to finish, she didn't know what to say at first.  Why was it nobody seemed to understand?

 

"Estel, I never meant any insult to you. I..." she stammered slightly, afraid to put her foot wrong again. "I had no idea about what had happened.  But you and I are different. Of course there's nothing you could have done. You're an Aes Sedai. You have all the power in the world. If you couldn't have done something, then there was nothing that could have been done." She hesitated again at this point. She could see the pain in the other woman that she was trying to hide. After enduring similar paid herself for so many years she could see it in others.  Her arm jerked slightly as if to go around the Aes Sedai's shoulder to comfort her, but she knew it wouldn't be proper and managed to restrain herself.

 

"But see, if I had known more, been more capable, then I could have saved my brother. That's why I need to learn. Because then when I know enough, then I'll know I can always save those that need me if it's at all possible.  But without that, how can I ever know for sure?  All I can do is feel helpless and alone, like I have for the past 10 years."

 

Dre dropped her head again and stared down at her hands folded in her lap. Tears began to fall as she told the one part she'd not told anyone else, not even her mother. "At my brother's funeral, his Promised blamed me. She was so upset. She was dressed in her mourning gown, with a veil like a widow though they'd never spoken the marriage vows. She said that if it hadn't been for me, he wouldn't have died. And I realized she was right.  I know that at only six I couldn't have actually protected him with that knife I was carrying. But if I had stayed with my mother, he might not have been distracted. It was my fault, because I was too stupid and careless. That's why I need to know more, because it's not in me to hide. But if I don't learn what to do, I'll just cause more harm then good."

[Guest Estel]

“And now you dare tell me I’m wrong?”  Estel still dared not face her mentee for fear of revealing the immense pain she could not keep from her face.  How did other Aes Sedai do this?  Hide that much pain and keep it all inside while it burned a hole through their very soul?  Half the time the Blue wondered if some of her sisters even had souls left or were simply empty husks chained to duty’s cruel wagon and forced to keep trudging on lest they be dragged to death.  How could they live that life?  How could they even call that a life?  It had been years since Orion’s blinding but she could still remember the stiff shock that had numbed her senses and ability to feel emotion.  Those months had been among the worst she had experienced.

 

That inability to feel had also hampered how she connected with those around her and destroyed any feeble attempts she made to connect with her first mentee, Aithne.  She could not let that happen with An’drea.  If emotion were what it took, she certainly had enough of that and selfish as she was, if her failures could help someone else avoid the same she would be content to relive the phantoms of her past.

 

“Dre, even in private I will not have you questioning my judgement.  How could a six year-old be expected to protect or save her much older brother?  Every time you point the finger at yourself, you point it at me, asking me why the forty year-old could protect her sworn man.  You had a knife you couldn’t use and I had the full power of saidar at my control.”

 

An edge of anger hardened her voice.  She hadn’t meant to cut the girl, and the anger was aimed at herself, but it seemed a gentle explanation wouldn’t make the girl understand.  Light, if this worked, all and good but if not... she could very well end up with another Aithne.  Estel was far too tired of hatred and disparagement to deal with another rightfully angry mentee.  But what was her choice?  Take her back to Darienna and tell her she had failed again and couldn’t do it?  Never!

 

“Your brother’s fiancé was grieving.  We all say stupid things- things we don’t really mean- when we grieve.  We all need some outlet to upon which to release the pent up emotion that eats away at the core of our beings.  We’re not made to keep it all inside- even Aes Sedai vent and cry in private.  She needed someone to blame and you were so conveniently there.”

 

“And whose fault is that! I would have Bonded you in a heartbeat, but I can’t Bond a blind Warder! Don’t you think I didn’t search for some cure! I searched those Light forsaken libraries for months looking for something, anything to help you! But I can’t! If you hadn’t jumped into the bloody building we wouldn’t be in this mess would we? But instead of thinking you just jumped right in! It’s a good thing I can’t Bond you, where would I go with a Warder as stupid as you!”

 

The memories... Oh Light, did the hurt!  But if they’d help...

[bcxanth]

Dre jumped to her feet and turned away from Estel as she felt the tears falling once more.  Why could nobody understand?!

 

"Estel Sedai, please..." she said softly, a tremble in her voice that made her trail off. "You're not understanding what I'm trying to say. I guess that's just the way it will have to be." Scrubbing the tears from her face she turned to look again at Estel. "Please, I don't understand how it is I've managed to anger you, but I guess my not understanding isn't anything new."

 

Once again Dre moved to take her seat beneath the tree and calmly folded her hands. She stared at her fingers for a moment as if to compose her thoughts.

 

"Obviously I'm already failing here in the Tower. I've not even been here a full day yet and I've already got you mad at me and I don't understand how. I don't think I have what it takes to be here.  Maybe I should just leave. but aside from that, I just want to apologize for whatever it is I've done to offend you. Please forgiveme Aes Sedai."

[Guest Estel]

Estel couldn’t help but laugh derisively.  She wasn’t meaning to be cruel but her personality wasn’t one that tended towards kindness.  “Sit down child, you’re not going anywhere.”  Digging out a handkerchief from her belt pouch, she handed it to Dre.  “The White Tower isn’t about to let go of you until they’ve put you through your Arches and then your Oaths and then you’ll be even more tightly bound to the Tower even though you may travel across the entire Arinth Ocean.

 

“As for failing, there’s been nothing for you to have failed.  The only thing you’ve failed in is forgiving yourself for something you could never have changed.  You have the next twenty years to come to terms with that, it’s not going to happen overnight.  But I assure you, I will pound it through your skull.” said Estel with a laugh.

 

Listening to Dre sniffling into her kerchief, the Blue went on more tenderly.  “And I do understand, Dre.  I understand better than you do what you’re going through.  I went through it too, though a little older than you were.  Empathy or no, though, you still have to forgive yourself and come to the realisation that there was nothing you could have done.  Else wise this will gnaw away at you until even as a full Sister with all the powers of saidar at your beck and call, you still won’t be able to help people as you want to because you’ll be haunted by what might happen if you fail them.”

[bcxanth]

Dre nodded and stifled her tears, handing back the handkerchief to Estel.  Looking up again it was clear her eyes were still troubled, but for some other unspoken reason this time. Dre shook her head slightly but then said nothing about what was going through her mind.  Instead she spoke once more in the same soft and unsure tone she'd used when they first met.

 

"I understand Estel, and I apologize for disappointing you. But I promise I will work harder. What do I do next?"

[Guest Estel]

Seeing the girl’s tears woke a knot of guilt in Estel’s belly remembering her own sobs and cries after Matthias, and not really even for Matthias’ sake- that made her feel more guilty than anything.  She was such a hypocrite.  Why had Darienna given the Novice to her when everyone knew the Blue could barely keep track of her own problems let alone a girl with nearly as many as she had herself.  Her nails dug into her palms in frustration.

 

“It won’t come all at once, Dre.”  Light knew even ten years later Estel still hadn’t really come to terms with the events with Matthias.  “It takes years, decades.  But it will hinder your chances of becoming Aes Sedai and until you can manage to get past this your Arches will always scare you more for what they might reveal of the truth.  The truth can set you free if you can stop clinging to the past and what you know.”  Hypocrisy at its finest.  There was no one in the Tower more terrified of the truth than Estel.

 

“Meet me in the gardens in three days.  Down this path a small footpath will break off, follow it and you’ll find a small clearing with a stone bench in some state of disrepair in the middle of it.  I’ll teach you to grasp saidar.  Until then, get settled in your room and meet your roommate, you’ll be exempt from chores until tomorrow and if any try, tell them to come to me.”  With that Estel turned on her heel and strode along the path.  The wrong way- not back towards the White Tower but to the glade.

[bcxanth]

Dre watched Estel stride off away from her. She still was confused about what had happened. She felt as if she had blundered somehow on the edge of a cliff, yet managed to keep from falling over that edge. No matter what it was that had really happened though, she knew that Estel was right about one issue.  She needed to get past things and move on with her life.

 

Lost in thought she wandered back into the Tower and up to her room. She sat on the hard cot and stared at the one across from her.  Roommate?  She didn't have time to think about that right now. She had other things on her mind.