A return with a heavy heart (Attn. Elia & Cari)

[Guest Celes]

Fawne brushed her fingers through her hair, she was nervous and did not know what to expect. For the first time she would be back in Tar Valon, back in the Sirens Call inn and see the employees who were like a family to her again. Only with her father there, without him she would have to face them all and explain what happened. But first they would go and see Lilah as her mother was not sure she could stay safe in the city. People presumed her dead in Tar Valon, she had written the reports herself so she had told Fawne. They had gotten to know each other, but Fawne was not sure that made up for the years she had lost with her mother. She did try and knew that her mother had made a great effort as well. In spite of their time apart, Cari had loved Alex for all those years and it had hurt her greatly to find him dead.

 

They found Lilah folding laundry, happy that Fawne had returned and kissing both of them on the cheeks. Then she looked around for Alex and asked if he was off to the Sirens Call already. Fawne was brave, but she cried as she told Lilah that her father had died in his sleep of an unknown cause. “He was ill, he did not feel well for a few days and then one morning, I found him dead,†Cari confirmed the story and helped Fawne unpack as Lilah made them some tea. As Fawne went through her things she thought of Elia again and wondered how the women would react to seeing each other. She could not wait, she could not be in Tar Valon and not tell her auntie Elia that Alex was not with them. Fawne thought of making an excuse, but her mother had chosen to come to the city and to accept what she would find there, so Fawne told her she was going to visit her auntie Elia. “She has to know, about my father, they were together all my life,†she said and her mother’s pale features struck her as slightly odd. Surely she must have known of Elia’s existence. “I want to go alone, she does not know you and….†She hid it again, she did not want to tell Cari that Elia carried a baby that was hers and Alex’s.

 

The streets were crowded as Fawne slipped passed the merchants, an Aes Sedai and a small group of Accepted and some children playing outside. She stared at the Accepted for a while, lost in thought about what it would be like to belong to the White Tower. Then she shook herself back to her reality, out of her dreams and back to the inn. Standing in front of the door, Fawne took a deep breath, her hand reached out for the door to open and then hung there, loosely in the air. “I….I can’t…†she mumbled and then the door flung open and a young woman came out. “Oh sorry lass, go on and go in then,†she said and pushed Fawne inside, then left to go outside. It was not busy in the common room and Fawne quickly found that Elia was not there. She took a deep breath and started for the back way, the stairs and Alex’s room. How many times had she gone up there? She did not know but she was here now, to find Elia. Her father had told Fawne that he had asked Elia to live in his room while they were away, so he could find her instantly on his return, Fawne could only hope that she had listened for she could not bare to speak to another soul before she had seen Elia. Finally she reached his door, her shoes seemed filled with lead as she knocked on the door and opened it. “Auntie Elia?â€

 

Fawne Namere

[Kaylan]

One hand lay over her stomach, unconciously holding the bump that had swollen to obvious size over the past few months, but Elia's mind was elsewhere as she lost herself in her book. A tale of high adventure, of beauty and wisdom and power, but also a sad tale of love lost tragically. It was only coincidence that Elia had picked it up, and while she did enjoy the story it was slightly depressing to read about the hero losing his love to the Shadow, so she was tempted to put it down and find something more cheerful to read. The story had her gripped tightly though, she desperately wanted to know how it ended. All that disappeared as she heard the knock on her door, and she looked up to see Fawne entering, calling out with the name that Alex had given to Elia so his daughter could better cope. "Aunty Elia?"

 

"Fawne!" She stood up, rushing to meet the girl at the door and gripping her in a deep hug, or as deep as she could manage with the bump of her pregnancy between them. She looked down at the girl, who looked like Elia imagined her own child would at Fawne's age, and gave her a radiant smile. "I've been waiting for you to get back, it has been quite a while. Come, sit down, you must be tired." She led Fawne to the bed, presuming that Alex wanted to surprise her by coming in later.

 

"Tell me about your journey. What happened? Are you going to study in the Tower now?" Fawne looked at her mute for a few moments and Elia jumped back up again to fetch the pitcher of water and pour Fawne a glass. "You're dusty, you'll need to have a bath soon... Where is your father?" She'd expected Alex to come in by now, smiling and holding out some gift or some prize, with a joke about her and kisses to show her that he was really back, and a hand for her belly. One of her own hands strayed back there - the baby was due in just a few short weeks, and he'd promised to be back in time. Looking back at Fawne's face, Elia began to worry, and she looked at the doorway as though she could will him there. Where are you, Alex? Why haven't you come back to me?

 

~Elia Darnel

Tower Guard on leave

[Matalina]

Cari was glad to see Lila but she was leary of staying too much at the house. It was Matalina's house after all and any connections would be bad. The house hadn't changed much, other than the baby stuff was now gone. Cari sat in the chairs she remembered not so fondly and listend to her daughter tell her that Alex had a lover, that he'd been with all her life. But Fawne wanted to tell Elia alone and Cari would listen. Fawne was not hers to fawn over, maybe by blood, but the time had made Cari feel as though she was not hers, no matter how hard they tried.

 

Cari and Lila spoke about things, and Cari felt the need to leave. She left Tain Cor hiding in the small back yard and changed into something a bit more presentable. The riding clothes were dusty and dirty after all. She donned an sapphire blue riding dress with spagetti straps and a low cut back. The grim figure and the top of her scar peaked through. Cari freshened her make up with Lila watching proudly. Cari smiled at Lila in the mirror and turned with a cutsey to the surrogate mother of her eldest children. "I've two more back at home, that know me more than Jeffery Kincaid or Fawne ever will, and they are only nine." Lila nodded and Cari went out the door.

 

She walked the streets of Tar Valon with fond and not so fond memories. Her feet had taken her to the Siren's Call. Alex's former place of empolyment. The memories were strong there. Cari opened the door and the bustle and smell of the place brought tears to her eyes. Alex would never be here again. She sat at a table near the door, she wasn't sure how long she would be here. The serving girl took Cari's order of water, vegetable soup and bread back to the kitchen as looked around. Her memories flooded her mind and Cari tried not to cry at the last time she'd been here, or the time before that. Why had she come here to torture her feelings and bring up her past. Alexander Namere was dead, and it was her fault.

 

Cari

[Guest Celes]

Fawne’s lip began to tremble as Elia rubbed her belly and looked past her face expecting to find Alex stand there. She wanted so badly for that to be true that she could not bring herself to telling the woman before her that the father of her unborn baby had died. “I….†she started and then clutched onto Elia, not to see her face and to hold onto something, something warm and loving, like the baby. She looked up and through her bangs, her ice blue eyes grew bigger as she said, “I could not bring him back, he is gone and we had to leave him in Cairhien,†Elia looked confused, pushing Fawne away and crouching to look in Fawne’s eyes. “What…†she said and Fawne started to cry, “He’s dead, my father is dead…†she said and sobbed uncontrollably.

 

“I’m so sorry,†she said and then reached in the bag that Elia had given her to take with her on her trip. She had thrown out the clothes, save one shirt that held a lasting memory of her dad. It was the red rose, dried and slightly flattened, yet uncrushed and perfect as she rolled it out of the t-shirt. “We buried daddy under a flower bed, these wild roses grow there and I brought one with me so I’ll always remember where to find him,†she cried and then clutched onto Elia, “I miss him so much,†and then released all the anger and pain as she cried and held onto the woman who was now the closest thing to family she felt she had. Her mother did try, but they had been apart for so long, Elia in way reminded Fawne more of her father, as he could see what he loved about her in her eyes.

 

Fawne Namere

[Kaylan]

"I..." Fawne faltered, clutching at Elia, and her panic grew. The older woman started to shake her head, denying what she knew Fawne was going to say, and as the young woman spoke once more, Elia looked down at her in fear and confusion.

 

"I could not bring him back, he is gone and we had to leave him in Cairhien," The Tower guard pushed Fawne away from her and looked down into the girl's eyes, wanting her to say something, anything, but what Elia knew she was going to. "What…?" At Elia's words, Fawne began to cry, "He’s dead, my father is dead…" The girl was sobbing uncontrollably, and the older woman joined her in outpouring her grief, the tears spilling down her cheeks, her chest heaving as she sobbed without knowing it. Why did she lose the ones she loved? As Elia clutched at her belly and cried out in pain, Fawne reached into her bag and pulled out a single shirt. A pleasant smell reached her nostrils and she looked back at Fawne as her almost-daughter spoke, saying, "We buried daddy under a flower bed, these wild roses grow there and I brought one with me so I’ll always remember where to find him," they grasped for each other, both crying, and Fawne said, "I miss him so much."

 

Elia didn't know how long they held each other, letting out their grief with the only other person who could really understand it, but her tears were finally stopped when she felt a kick from the baby in her belly. "Oh, Fawne, what are you going to do? Are you going to stay here in Tar Valon with me? At least until the baby is born, I..." I don't want to do this on my own, I don't want to have the baby and miss him so much and have no-one to share that with... She didn't know what else to say. One day she would take her child to his grave, but until she died she would not be with him again, and she did not want to face it, did not want to face the memory of him without someone else to help her. Why? She could not understand how the Creator could take a man such as Alex, not when they needed him, when his life meant so much... Her tears began anew.

 

~Elia Darnel

[Guest Celes]

Fawne’s eyes lit up as Elia spoke, she looked into that familiar face of a woman who had been so close to her all her life, it was as if she were family. “Of course,†she said and kissed Elia on her cheek, “Of course, he or she is my brother and I should tell the baby everything I know about daddy, our daddy,†and a she said that, she rubbed off the tears from her cheeks and found a kerchief on the night stand and handed it to Elia. She watched as Elia rubbed it gently over her face and then suddenly noticed how big her belly had gotten. “It’s so big, is the baby in there?†Fawne said, childish disbelief all over her face. She smiled, “Can I talk to it?†and Elia nodded.

 

“Hi there,†she said, suddenly no longer tearful but with a clear voice, a little raw from all the crying and sobbing, but still clear. “I am Fawne, your sister, you have to grow just a little bit more and then we can all see you, I would really like to see you,†she smiled and patted he belly a bit. Then felt something she could never have imagined to feel, “It…It kicked!†she said and stepped back, then felt again but the feeling was gone. “It’s really there,†and smiled broadly. The child in her waking up again and finding this so delightful she felt again, this time with her ear pressed against Elia’s belly. “Maybe the baby is practicing to wield a sword,†she said with a little grin on her face.

 

As Fawne looked up, she found Elia looking away and still stroking her head gently, stroking the hairs back and letting her hand drop slowly. Fawne took it and held it tightly, “I will be there, I do not have a lot of family left,†this reminded her of Cari who had also come to Tar Valon with her. “My mom brought me here,†she said all of a sudden, shaking herself up from the pain and hurt of being reminded so vividly of what her father had left behind when he left for Cairhien. “She is here, in the city, she wants to know what I’ll do,†Fawne said and sat down on the bed, “I want to stay, can I stay with you?†Fawne asked, hoping that she would not cry again.

 

Fawne Namere

[Kaylan]

"Of course you can stay here with me Fawne, although I don't know if I'll be staying here at the Siren's Call now that... I... I might go stay with my father a while, he's alone now too and I know he'd love to have the baby around the house... You could come and stay of course, or we could maybe look at getting our own house." She thought about them as a family, the three of them, or the four of them with a doting grandfather in the mix. She knew that he'd treat Fawne like one of his own, because her father had always been a big pushover like that, and she knew he'd like the company. But if Fawne was going to stay with her, where they lived was partially Fawne's decision. All Elia knew was that she didn't want to live in the Siren's Call and expect Alex to walk up the stairs any moment, or find them with a batch of fresh baking, or any of the things that they'd done in the inn. Tears threatened again, but she didn't want to cry all night.

 

Instead she thought about Fawne's talking to the baby and decided that she would do the same, and she smiled at the thought that her baby was already practicing with a sword. It was something she hadn't done for a while, not regularly at any rate. She'd been keeping her fitness up, but her training was certainly not going to keep her to her normal level of skill, she'd need to get back into daily training once the baby was born for that to happen, and she didn't know what was going to happen. No wonder Matalina had gotten a nursemaid, Elia was glad she'd never gotten Bonded because it allowed her some time to spend with her child, but she couldn't leave the Tower Guard forever, it was part of who she was.

 

"Oh, Fawne." Elia put her arms around the girl once more, wanting to cry but just feeling empty now that she had to face the prospect of life without Alex. We'll be together soon, my love. Her mind went back to another thing Fawne had said. Her mother is back in Tar Valon? The city thought that Matalina was dead, and Elia had never corrected them though she knew from the letters that had been sent to Fawne for a long time that Matalia was in fact alive.

 

"What about... what about your mother?" Elia didn't know how much Matalina remembered of her, it had been a long time since they'd last seen each other and Matalina had been ill, or acting very strangely at least. A pang of resentment floated up, but Elia pressed it down before it could take hold. He's gone, and it is the will of the creator, not anyone's fault. The thought wasn't comforting, though, and she felt herself wanting to cry once more.

 

~Elia

[Guest Celes]

Fawne was not sure why, but something in the air made her cry or maybe it was just the tense atmosphere of being in her father’s old room. It smelled of him, his clothes lay here and she even found his comb, a tooth broken on it lying on the bed stand. She pulled on Elia’s hand and went outside, into the hallway. “I’m thirsty,†was all she said, a simple excuse to hide that she was feeling worse every minute she had to be in that room and know that he would not return. She missed her father so much, it was hard to let the feelings come out and not tear her apart like a wild animal.

 

As they walked down the corridor, Fawne said, “Yes I would like to live with you, my mom wants to know I’m safe before she goes back to her family, she has left this place a long time ago,†and then finally dared looking up at Elia. “And I really want to be there when my brother or sister is born,†and smiled a bit at her. She was going to have to be strong around Elia, not burst out in tears every five seconds as the woman was so close to labor, she needed to stay whole. Fawne looked up to find a familiar face, then found one she did not expect to find, her mother sat at one of the tables and their eyes met in recognition. Fawne looked up at Elia and whispered, “She’s here,†then started towards Cari’s table. Elia looked awkward, not sure about herself for some reason so Fawne said, “Elia, this is Cari, from Cairhien,†and then sat down at one of the chairs and buried her face in her hands to stop the tears from flowing again.

 

Fawne Namere

[Matalina]

Cari looked up and found Fawne staring back at her with a Elia. Cari was about to leave upon seeing Elia's rounded belly but Fawne came near and sat down making the proper introductions. "A pleasure to meet you." Cari spoke in false good humor, facades were easy to keep up when you've been playing then for so long. Cari bowed her head in curtsy fashion, but didn't bother getting up to do so, she was not a man after all.

 

The air in the inn suddenly got thick and the smoke from the table behind her was filling her lungs. It was probably Cari's imagination and the tense atmospere presented by Alex's two former lovers. A tear slide down Cari's cheek as she thought of Alex and Elia together. Perhaps she had known deep in her heart he'd never love her again, but it hurt knowing the woman he was with was carrying his child, it stung home. "I'm sorry about your loss. It pains me greatly that we all have to deal with this." Cari smiled. "And congradulations on the upcoming child, I'm sorry they will never see their father." Cari turned away from them. This was too much, too much raw pain. Cari desparately wanted to be away from the facade and back in her life, her home with her family. This was not her home any longer.

 

Cari turned back to see Elia comforting Fawne. "You will take care of Fawne won't you?"

 

Cari

[Kaylan]

Though Fawne introduced her as Cari, from Cairhien, Elia couldn't think of her as anything but Matalina. The polite response from the woman was echoed by Elia, though she'd met Matalina years ago. Things changed, though, and things would always change. One short trip off the island for Alex had proved how much things could change. Not so short a trip in the end... The last trip he'd ever made.

 

She was drawn out of her thoughts by Matalina's words, and Elia nodded, seeing the tear on the woman's cheek and taking it as a sign of grief. That horrible feeling tried to rise up, but Elia couldn't blame Matalina for Alex's death, no matter what she wanted to do. The Tower Guard couldn't say anything to the comment about her child, though, and both women turned away for a moment. Elia put her hand on Fawne's arm, smiling at the girl though it was not a happy expression as much as an attempt at normality, and Matalina's words brought her attention back to the conversation.

 

"Of course I will take care of Fawne, Cari." Elia wondered for a moment why the woman hadn't even bothered to ask if Fawne was going to be going back to Cairhien, but then Fawne's home was in Tar Valon, and always had been. Elia didn't know what had happened in the north, and she wasn't going to ask right now, not when they were all trying to deal with such emotions. "Will you be leaving soon then?" It was not a hint, though it could be interpreted as such - Elia just wasn't sure how long Matalina could stay in the city before someone recognised her and questioned the apparently dead Warder's presence. That line of thinking could be dangerous, Elia reminded herself, so she simply looked at the other woman and put one hand on her belly unconciously.

 

~Elia

Not fantastic, sorry, but didn't want to hold things up any longer

[Matalina]

Cari wanted to be gone from the place. It was too uncomfortable and knowing Alex had another and seeing her with child only hurt more. But she had to be poliete, not only was it out of character for Matalina, but it was also the best thing for Fawne. "I'm staying only long enough to insure that Fawne is safely home and has settled in."

 

Cari turned to Fawne then back to Elia. "I feel better leaving knowing she has someone to look after her that her father chose." Cari tried not to bite out the words, regardless of their truth it stil hurt to know about it. "Fawne's saftey is my biggest concern."

 

Cari wondered if this was how Alex felt when he found out she had other children. And wondered if he'd found out who's they were if there would be words said. They'd never know. Cari sighed and took the last drink of her water. "I can't stay here much longer." She hinted at the fact that her identiy could be revealed here. "Fawne, Miss Elia, I will be at Lila's house. I will be leaving in the morning."

 

Cari got up from her seat by the door and walked around to where Fawne was sitting and gave her a hug. "I hope to see you before I go."

 

Cari

[Guest Celes]

Her mother made it clear she did not want to stay in Tar Valon, whatever the reason she had, she wanted to leave and Fawne tried her best to understand. She was very happy to have found Elia, to have found her and found her understanding and willing to have Fawne stay with her. She even asked Fawne to stay, rather than shun her and say she loved her only to leave instantly. The little girl who had grown up so fast over the past few weeks understood that her mother could not change. She was the spitting image of both her father and her mother, had her mother’s hair and her father’s eyes. It was only a matter of time before hr mother would break down once more and Fawne did not know her well enough to care of her mother, the way she needed care herself now.

 

As Cari walked outside, Fawne thought about her parting words, that she wanted to see Fawne before she left. Why could she not stay longer if it meant that much to her? Why did she not come visit, why had she not done so before. Looking into Elia’s eyes, Fawne said, “I do not understand why my mother says she loves me, wants to be there for me only to leave in the morning,†before Elia could reply, Fawne said, “She says she loves me, but she has never come to see me and she has started a new family in Cairhien,†at this she noticed Elia looked a bit surprised. “I think she might have loved me once, but that she left me, that’s not love is it?†she let the words hang in the air. Then emptied the cup of water and asked Elia how she was feeling. “I mean, I returned this morning and drowned you in the bad news, before I had a chance to ask how you are,†she said and smiled at Elia. They may not be blood related, but she was family and Fawne loved her, like her father had loved her, like a memory of her father alive and kicking in the woman’s belly.

 

Fawne Namere

[Kaylan]

Fawne's words surprised her, and Elia felt the need to say something in Matalina's defence, but the words wouldn't come. The Tower Guard simply couldn't understand why anyone would leave such a beautiful girl - new family or not. The fact that Fawne spoke the words showed her hurt, and her confusion, and Elia didn't know how to fix that - she was not Fawne's mother, after all, even if she sometimes felt like she was.

 

"Oh, Fawne, it was lonely without you and your father here. But I've been feeling alright, the baby is coming along well and I'm not getting sick in the mornings, I've even started exercising again though I cannot work the forms as easily as I could before, I've become out of practice and my belly is awkward." She smiled and tried to lighten the mood, though the absence of Alex was still a huge aching void.

 

"Do you want to go for a walk?" She didn't want to say it, but the Siren's Call, so familiar and comfortable usually, was beginning to feel cold and depressing just to be in. She wanted to get out somewhere, anywhere else, to breathe fresh air and get the tight feeling out of her chest.

 

~Elia

short and crap, sorry :(