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ATC: How to Defraud Your Landlord in 3 Easy Steps

Guest Balthamel



Dear Fors-- Chosen,


I'm in an apartment lease until next July, but I'm going to be buying a condo this month, and I don't want to pay mortgage AND rent. My landlord annoys the crap out of me, and he does stupid things like coming in without notice and painting my ceiling without moving any of my things, but I don't think it's enough to legally do anything. So I what can I do?


PS. I can give you his name and address if you want to "help"

Unnamed Renter,


Why on earth would we want to help? We're evil. You should either burn down your apartment complex or study your lease agreement for how the landlord might be in breach of contract. If you can find something silly like a stipulation that you'll have 2 days notice before he enters you're apartment, you can break the lease w/o penalty. Or that might be a lie. You might still be screwed even if you can prove he is in the wrong. I'll never tell.



Dear Aaziz the Renter,


Kill the landlord, pillage the apartment building, burn it to the ground, then piss on the ashes.


If the police catch you, tell them the landlord snapped, torched the building and was trapped inside, that you saved what items you could and that you were simply pissing on it to try and put out the fire! We work with the tools we have at our disposal.


Always best to have a cover story!


If you can make it appear to be an electrical fire, do so. The more innocent victims trapped in the blaze the better.



There are few problems in the known universe that can not be solved with fire. And if fire does not work, try more fire.



Dear Renter


As much as this pains me to admit (and I do like pain!), I find myself having to agree with Demdems and Belly. This is your fault and you will suffer for it later.


My advice to you, if you are to lily livered for a grand torching, is to get some fierce wild animal (don't you wish you had Trollocs now??) and let it loose in your apartment. Make sure you go out of town for a week or so, and let your landlord know this. Let nature take its course.



Legal Smegal

Dear Rent,


The gods and the Chosen help those who help themselves. (Please note that, when the Great Lord is free, gods and Chosen will be interchangeable, but until then, we have to use this version of the axiom to avoid confusing the weak-minded). If you are unable to take care of things yourself, then we really have no concern with your measly little problem. However, if you will offer your soul to the Great Lord, then I'm sure that my companions and I would be willing to offer you an alibi if you were to, say, dismember your landlord with a sledgehammer, then blow up the foundations so the whole building collapsed on the tenants.



Dear undecided one,


You do realize, of course, that you couldn't even decide who you were writing this question to, right?


Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't it you who decided to buy a condo before the end of your lease period? Wasn't it you who didn't take into consideration the loss of funds you're going to suffer because you can't hold to your word, which you stupidly gave the landlord you don't like in writing?


Once you acknowledge that you are a poor planner, you can step to the next level. If you want out badly enough, take your lumps and move on. You're going to lose your deposit, you're going to have to pay him another month's rent. However, you won't have to deal with him anymore after that. Cut your losses.


Oh, and if that fails, you can always listen to these other bozo's who just want to see you on the news so they can laugh at you.



Shh! You're going to ruin our fun!





First, you are stupid for not changing your locks, if he was breaching your privacy that way. Second, you can always sublet your apartment until the lease is up. Third, your second sentence has absolutely NOTHING to do with your first. It's just some random sentence...your landlord being evil enough to walk all over you because you are stupid has nothing to do with you not wanting to pay rent and a mortgage.


Hates stupid people,


Dear Show-off,


Yeah, you're a show-off. Buying a condo. Pfff... you really think that impresses the likes like us? If you can afford to buy a condo, you can afford to pay rent and mortgage. Simple, no? Now stop wasting my time, I have a Myrdraal in the oven.



Dear Lowborn Fool,


Why would you assume that Lanfear would know about lowborn things like condos and apartments and this concept of "renting"? If you are fool enough to give your money to another for the mere purpose of a place to stay then you deserve your misery, especially if you agree to a contract. A true Chosen would simply get what she wants by manipulating the dreams of this landlord to give her said apartment.




Or, you know, call him Lewsy Pewsy and throw tantrum fits whenever he glances at other women. That always works like a charm, doesn't it, Lanfear Dearest? Oh wait... no, it didn't. He still rejected you. Hmmmm...


But maybe this condo idiot will have more luck. Ya' never know, it could happen.



Ha, ha! You live in a condo? I bet it's one of those retarded tri-level things.


I live in a fortress, baby.


Oh, and like the others said... set it on fire!






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