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ATC: A Perfect Tool

Guest Balthamel



Dear Chosen,


Let's assume for a moment that someone wanted to pledge their undying loyalty to one of you.  Yours to command.  A perfect tool for your use against the Dragon.  What qualities do you possess that might make you a good Master or Mistress?

Fellas, I have to tell you.  I'm more inclined toward the female of the species.  Except Lanfear and Semi.  Too beautiful and too kinky.  But, I could be persuaded assuming the rewards are of a substantial enough nature.

Therefore, why should someone swear loyalty to you?  And no answering a question with a question, like "What makes you think I'd choose you?".  I think we all know that you guys need all the help you can get.  Answers should be in English rather than the Old Tongue please. Try to keep up with the times.


Yours (maybe, if the price is right),




Let's also assume (for a moment) that your question actually deserves for me to come out of my very posh semi-retirement to answer it. It doesn't, but we'll assume, because you seem the type of chap who enjoys hyperbole and hypothetical, and who am I to ruin your day eh? After all I'm just one of the thirteen most powerful channelers of this (or any) age. While you're a no name afterthought by the wheel who's attempting to peddle his rather limited capabilities like serving the Great Lord is akin to selling bottled air on Ebay. I imagine that any one of my brethren (or brethrenette's (wait ten days, then google it, I have that kind of power over language)) foolish enough to debase themselves and beg for your services (without naming names...Asmodeon) would find that your claim to be 'A perfect tool for use against the Dragon' would only be half correct. Still, you asked direct questions, naive as they are, and I will provide direct answers...


Dear Perfect Tool,


The master needn't have any qualities that appeal to the servant, such is the relationship betwinxt the two. I will say none of my female underlings have any complaints. And the rest seem loyal enough for my purposes. Why should someone want to swear loyalty to me? The answer to that is obvious, of all those relevant to the discussion I am the greatest(period) I will be Nae'blis, and I will rule the world under the Great Lord for all of time, those I choose to bring with me will be amongst the highest of the high, and will own the world. If anyone needs more of a reason than that... well, that's what compulsion is for.


And by the by Tool, I lived in an age where Sho-wings graced the sky and Jo-cars roamed the streets of some of the greatest cities that have ever existed, the technological marvels of my day would shatter your tiny mind; whereas your finest ...towns have roads decorated with horse feces. So I think keeping up with the times is something I'll leave to you.


Chosen for a reason,



I think you missed a few strands when dyeing your streak there, Rahvie.


If you're made of the right stuff, worm, you might be able to squirm your way into the lowest echelons of my followers. But, if you do prove yourself worthy, you'll find a package of benefits that none of my brethren can match. Art museums, concert halls, all of these would be free for your perusal. You would get a vote in the monthly ballot of talentless hack composers, the 'winner' of which dies a very spectacular and public death for your entertainment. You're less likely to be fed to the Trollocs than if you served Sammy, Aggy, Demmy, or the gender-confused Aran'amel. Those regions under my dominion work, and they work better than any of my colleagues. Call it the organized mind of the composer.


On top of that, you get free dental, a free eye exam every two years, great medical benefits, and a pension to die for. On top of that, if I ever find you wanting, I offer a killer severance package that nobody can refuse. Just ask my mother...




Dear Gaelen,


Since I know you're a cylon (I've seen the show, you're not fooling me! Music in your head, indeed!), I have to say that I am not begging or pleading for your loyalty. In fact, I have a rather lengthy application and trial period to become one of my minions. I think the better question is what are you willing to do to prove you're good enough to be among the favored few who will become my loyal followers?


Since apparently you don't know how to address your betters, you're going to have to be pretty convincing to get my approval. Don't worry, though. I have schools for that, too.




PS, I feel I must explain the hidden message in dear little Asmo's response, since his... what does he call it? Organized mind? tends to ramble.


When he says:

On top of that, you get free dental, a free eye exam every two years, great medical benefits,

What he really means is: he'll be happy to find some hack who was playing the mandolin last week to check your teeth and eyes after practice and he knows a good quack doctor or three who will claim they're taking care of you.


when he says:

and a pension to die for.

What he means is: No, really. You have to die to get it.  However, since you can't take it with you when you die, it's really not going to do you any good, anyway.


When he says:

On top of that, if I ever find you wanting, I offer a killer severance package that nobody can refuse.

What he means is: if he doesn't like you, he'll sic one of his cute little assassins to sever something important, thus, helping you earn that pension.


And, frankly, Just ask my mother...


I always wondered what happened to her. I thought you said she moved to Palm Springs?


Dear Gae


If you serve me, you will NOT suffer more pain than you can possibly imagine for more years than you thought a human being could live.


... Naah, just kidding. I'm all for equal opportunity - I torture servants and non-servants equally. *grins*


You'll probably still enjoy it more than being forced to listen to Rah Rah blathering on.




Dear Tool,


If you serve me loyally, without screwing up, I will reward you by not killing you. I will not dismember you just for laughs. I will not make your mother mate with a goat. If you really stand out, I will not even make you listen to Asmodeans attempt at music.


I recognise competence, and those of my subjects who show enough of that will get fed daily. After every battle, those who performed in a way that meets my standards will be allowed to loot as much as they can carry. With me being the greatest general in history, victory in all battles is guaranteed.

Those who do not meet my standards will get the choice between being given to Semi if she needs new toys, or ending up on the trollocs menu.




Oooh can I have him for a new toy, Dem? Can I? Can I?? *bounces and bats Dem*


Oh wait that should have been *bats EYELASHES AT Dem*.


Graendal, can I have another lesson in that thing you do? The ... what's it called again? Flirting?


"I can do flirting" Semi


Easy there, lady, no play until he has actually screwed up. If I get a reputation for giving away my servants for no reason, future hiring will be a pain, and I have better things to do than worrying about getting good slaves. And by slaves I of course mean loyal servants.




Dear Useless,


What qualities do you possess that might make you a good Master or Mistress?

Irrelevant. With compulsion you will adore me either way.

Why should someone swear loyalty to you?

Also irrelevant. Do you honestly think I trust anyone's words of loyalty? Evil is as evil does. Eventually you will try to betray me. This is where the Compulsion comes in.



(Likes to Compulse)

*laughs throatily* I'm too much for you, aren't I?


I wouldn't want a servant with no... spine, anyway.



Moggy dear, it is Compel, not Compulse. Did you start your career of skulking in the shadows to stay out of school?



(Likes to nitpick. Not so sure about picking nits.)

*snorts indelicately*


Shouldn't you be out...you know...having a temper tantrum or something?



(Likes to Compulse AND Compel)

Dear Tool,


Psh, I love the art of answering a question with a question. So my question to you, when determining if you belong in my collection of "tools" is, have you ever eased a badger?


Boils and Butterflies,

Aran'gar Balthamel.



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