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ATC: The Eye of the Tiger

Guest Balthamel


Dear Sammael (Sam, Sammiekins?),


I have a big sporting tournament coming up in June and I was wondering if you had any suggestions as to how I could train for it? The incredibly daft competition organisers have outlawed interesting things like using steroids and using the power to incapacitate the opposition so I must use more mundane means to win. As the sporting legend of your Age (and indeed all Ages) I expect that you are the best equipped of all the Chosen to answer my question.





Dear Adoring Fan (The Mogniator, Mog...),


I can feel the excitement in your question to me. But you really did not need to scent your letter with perfume as it comes off as needy... and stalkerish. Not that I don't mind a stalker here or there, as I have many. I think you are deep down asking yourself have you can be as awesome as me. I don't know if we can succeed in such little time in getting your body as well sculpted as mine so you are just going to have to wing it. I would suggest, you know, actually getting out of your house and going to the gym. I find this is a great first step in training for any competition.


Yours Truly,






Firstly, I'm not sure if I appreciate you picking a name so close to mine. I'm going to consider it a tribute of sorts, and not call in that favors Semirhage and Graendal owe me (or will owe me once they realize I have those pictures of them still waiting to be published!) to get you to change your mind.


Secondly, don't listen to Tiny McKnob here - I'm pretty sure he's been weaving Illusions at us all this time, and that his family got rich on selling those 'Mr. Muscle' gag suits.






First of all...why do you presume to have a name so close to one of the other Chosen? I mean, you are asking for trouble doing that, and you could at least have picked a better Chosen to emulate. Moggy never DOES anything, just sits around and waits for things to happen. What do you do to copy her? Sit at home watching Jerry Springer with a gallon of ice cream? That is no way to win a sporting tournament. You gotta get on a diet, girl! Eat healthy and get a lot of exercise. I could give you some tips on where I get MY exercise, but I don't think that it would be appropriate for family programming.


~Aran'gar Balthamel


I would not recommend going to Sammael for training advice, as he was, and probably still is quite happy to get help by what he refers to as "vitamins". Something that should be blatantly obvious if you look at his inability to keep his temper in chack, and even more obvious if you have ever been in the sauna with him...Not everything grows if you use those "vitamins", you know.




Dear Moggy-wanna-be,


Sam is a legend? Really? Who'd you have to sleep with to get that title lumped on you, Sammie-poo?


Frankly, my advice would be to get more creative with how you use "the power to incapacitate the opposition." They can't prosecute what they can't prove.




Dear Mog2


Seriously? Sammael?? Girl, you wouldn't get so excited if you'd seen him from my perspective. Granted, that's from about 1 foot higher Tongue


Your best course of action is to immediately start sleeping during the day, then spend your nights jogging around to your competitors' houses, tying photos of Agi around bricks and throwing them through their bedroom windows. This will disturb their sleep, fry their minds once they see the photos, and you will get fit doing it. Always combine exercise with pleasure! Or pain. Preferably both.


Lots of ... some kind of warm fuzzy feeling


ps: photos enclosed at no extra charge.


Dear Moghedian,


I do not understand this need of yours for sweat and bad hygiene. The best way to feel a winner is not participate in the tournament at all and feel pretty. It might not win the actual competition, but at least you'd smell like a winner :P Which is, ultimately, the important thing.




Graendal- Beautiful and stupid is no way to go through life. Somebody smarter should have culled you out of the gene pool a long time ago.


Semi- Yes, yes, you're tall. Sammael is short. We get it. What I want to know is if those pictures are the famous "Two Aginors, One Cup" photos. If so, you are crueler than I imagined, and I warn Mog2 to keep your eyes averted while tying them to the bricks. Otherwise you will need more mind bleach than was ever made.


Moggy (the real one, not the poseur)- Nothing could be worse than the Agi pictures. Unless it is Graendal and Semi IN the Agi pictures.


XOXO-- Balthamel



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