Sem,

Have you ever considered going on Dr Phil's show to really take a look at what is wrong with you? I have heard that he can lay his hands on you and heal your emotional pain. I bet Dr. Phil discovers that some guy that you were madly in love with dumped you and after stalking him for a few years, you go tired of being rejected... so your turned to torture. That's the real story isn't it?

I look forward to your response.

Sincerely,

Pokey the Bear

Pokey,

First of all, what kind of name is Pokey the Bear? I should torture you just for having a lame name, but your pretentiousness and impertinence are what really irk me. I will answer your silly little questions, then I would advise you to prepare for a gloriously long session of agony. It’s amazing what I can do with a chainsaw, a disco ball, a vat of honey, and re-runs of Barney the Purple Dinosaur.

Now let me get to those asinine questions of yours. No, I would not go to Dr. Phil. A quack like that would never be able to gain insight into the brilliantly complex psyche of yours truly. Your hypothetical story about the love/dumping/stalking sounds like a chapter from the book of Lanfear’s life. Lews Therin, anyone? I turned to torture because I love the sense of power and control. I love to hold life and death in my hands. Ah, yes…Dr. Phil may call himself a life coach, but I suppose you could say that I am a premier death coach.

Now, where’s that Justin Timberlake CD of Demandred’s? His music and Barney’s DVD would make a great combination…

--Semirhage