The Final Petals (Closed)

[Kael]

“Kedyn you shouldn’t be beating yourself up so much, you’re worrying over childish things.” Kedyn shook his head, part of him knowing she was right but the rest refusing to admit it to himself. “Tia do be right Kedyn, that big head of yours do be up in the clouds on this issue.” This almost wasn’t fair, surrounded by women as he was. Mari, the tavern maid he had known for so long, Tia, who was now a corporal of the Fox’s his old platoon, as well as Elle and Sophia more members of his old platoon. Kedyn may now be a Banner Captain but he still spent time with his old platoon. “Maybe you’re right, but….” He sighed, “I don’t know sometimes.”

 

Mari finally sat at their small table, the Tavern was empty except for their group but she never seemed to stop. “I remember Lavena as much as you do, and she was a nice girl don’t get me wrong, but her ghost doesn’t need to keep haunting you. You’re better now but I can still see her ghost in your face sometimes.” Kedyn didn’t have anything to say as he stroked his fingers over his chin, thinking on her words. Mari had been one of the people who had worked hardest to bring him out of his shell when Lavena had died, and had been one of his first true friends when he had come to the Citadel as well.

 

Kedyn had no regrets about his relationship with Mari, she had opened her arms to him after Lavena had died as a friends and for a while more than that. But neither of them had thought of anything more to come from that. Kedyn doubted anyone really knew about what they had done, and they most likely never would. Miria perhaps later if she asked…but…

 

“Miria no be deserving to have you be holding onto a ghost any longer. She do be needing your whole heart not just most of it.” This was too hard to think about, how had they gotten to this? It had come from the possibility of Miria being pregnant, brining the thought of what they would do if she was and Kedyn going to Mari to talk and the others had joined after catching bits of the conversation after walking in.

 

The questions raging inside of his head were not ones he could easily sort. Their child did not deserve to grow up in a family where it’s parents were not married, however loving the two of them were. Nor did he want Miria to believe that if Kedyn asked her to marry him just for that fact alone. And did he want to ask Miria to marry him even though part of his heart, no matter how much it was dwarfed by his love for Miria, was devoted to his love for Lavena. “What if I can’t let go?”

 

Sophia gave his shoulder a small shove, of the group she was always the most blunt. “Letting go is under your control not some other persons, if you can’t let go than it is your fault that you didn’t try enough.”

 

“Perhaps…”

[Kael]

“What if I try and fail to let go…how could I put Miria through the fact that she would have to live with sharing my heart with a shadow?” For anyone else talking of these things, so personal and intimate would have been strange, but with these three scouts and one of his best friends it came naturally. The women in the Fox’s, and a vast majority of the Fox’s had been made up of women, had taken a strong protective nature over Kedyn and eve more so when his and Lavena’s relationship had blossomed, and Miria had only taken the place of Lavena in their eyes as the partner of their beloved commander.

 

Tia reached out and gave his hand a light squeeze, a small reassurance and comfort for the pain plain on Kedyn’s face. “If she do be loving you as much as we think, and you do be loving her as much as I be knowing, then you do be deserving one another.” Elle smiled after she had spoke but Sophia seemed to have to lighten the serious mood over the group. “And besides..from the noises coming from you two’s room all the time you’re doing something right.” Sophia laughed at her own joke and Kedyn even managed to smile wickedly. He was far from ashamed to have the noises of their passion thrown at him, unlike Miria.

 

Mari shook her head and rolled her eyes at Sophia’s blunt and to her rude sense of humor. “Love is not something that you can let go, and even if you do let go of Lavena theirs a chance some remnants of that love will remain. But what’s worse, for you to try and let go and there’s some left, or not trying at all and leaving both Miria and you in a less than ideal relationship.” Kedyn nodded and was silent for a long time, mulling over his thoughts.

 

“Everything will be all right Kedyn.” He looked up to see his scouts getting up to leave, he understood, he had the day off but they didn’t. “Thanks, you’re all good friends. Even if you are blunter than those knives you carry Sophia.” Sophia snorted and Tia and Elle shared a small laugh with Kedyn. He nodded once more to the trio as they left and then sighed and sank back into his chair as he and Mari were left alone.

 

Kedyn paused unsure of whether or not to continue with what he had to say, it was a strange subject to bring up now but..maybe it was time to resolve all of his past relationships. “Do you have any regrets about us?”

 

Mari cocked her head to one side, she hadn’t been prepared for that question though she knew the answer right away..the truth as well, not just what Kedyn may want to hear. “No I don’t. You needed me, and in some way I needed you too, by sharing what we did we were able to take care of both of us. We were just friends then and nothing more than that. Does Miria know?”

 

 

Kedyn

[Kael]

Kedyn shook his head slowly in a no. "I haven't told her and I wasn't going to unless she asks and I doubt she will. It's just not something she needs to deal with I think. I was her first....she know's she wasn't mine and I don't think that I need to burden her with the knowledge of who she's had to share with me in the past." And that was the pure truth, Miria had never seemed to care about his pasts affairs, only one other woman had ever mattered to him as much as she did and that woman was dead. Mari spoke up next as she began moving around the room, sensing that for now that worst was over and there were other things that needed to be done around the room.

 

"Did you and Lavena ever...?" She raised a curious eyebrow in Kedyn's direction as he again shook his head back and forth. "No, we never did. I'm not sure if we would have unless we got married honestly. I don't know what drove me and Miria together so quickly, maybe the battle, that we were lucky to be alive."

 

"It's almost scary sometimes when I think about the two of them right next to each other, they're so alike and yet so different. Lavena never liked life as a soldier, I think if given a chance she would have glady given it up. She was so cold at first, so distant and only really opened up after I started to beat down on those walls." Kedyn shook his head as he strolled slowly through his memories.

 

"Much like you were after she died?" Kedyn nodded and laughed lightly, the irony of that whole situation still not lost on him after so much time. One of the reason's he had cracked so quickly perhaps, because he knew in a part of him that it wasn't going to help any by dwelling in past pains. "And then Miria came and did the same thing to you didn't she?" Kedyn nodded again.

 

"She brought me back from the edge after you, Carnhain and the other's stopped me from dropping off of it. She had a beautiful smile and a laugh that would make the Dark One himself smile. She teases me terribly if more secretly than I do to her, and I love her for it. It's just...I don't know, she hasn't told me yet what was bothering her a few days ago and I can't shake off that it hurts that she won't." It was strange to be sitting here discussing such things  so comfortably with a woman he used to sleep with, but if anyone would give him an honest answer it would be Mari.

 

"Then you should stop and think that maybe she has a reason that she thinks is valid enough to keep it from you, she loves you as much as you do her and she wouldn't keep something from you unless she thought it was important. Maybe what she's hiding could be painful to you." Mari had stopped and was watching Kedyn with a small rag in her smaller hands, her brown eyes looking at him with as much concern as a friend could muster. She truly was a good friend.

 

"Probobly...but I still wish she would share it with me. It would hurt but maybe we could work through it." Mari nodded like she agreed and Kedyn thought that she did, though Mari was aware that Kedyn didn't need agreement but possible explanations to help him. To agree would only make it hurt more that Miria would not share their problem. "Love is never a simply thing, you should know that. It clouds people's judgement's and makes reason an impossibility sometimes. Give it time, everything will work itself out I am sure."

 

 

Kedyn

[Kael]

"Are you happy Kedyn?"

 

Kedyn was taken aback by the question, coming out of the silence that they had decended in for a few moments before. He didn't know what to say. "Well of course, I have Miria, I have everything I could want." It was true...wasn't it?

 

"That does not mean you are happy with everything. You have more than one part of your life Kedyn." There was nothing to say to that, nothing to say to a question on whether or not he was actually happy. Could he be? He still loved Lavena that was true and apparent to not only him but everyone around him. And even with Miria, lately she had been...just odd, nearly annoying. Maybe it was time, maybe the novelty of being in love was beginning to wear off and what would that mean for them? What would happen when their passion cooled if even for only a time being. So many if's and not nearly enough answers. Questions upon questions, worries upon worries, all woven together to make even the Pattern of Time seem simple.

 

And at the same time he had found a woman he could love again after losing the first, but he was too afraid to ask for her to marry him like he wanted. To afraid that one day far from the Citadel a man would make Miria a widow, and break her heart as much as his had been. That he was too afraid even when Miria was ready to have children could he justify bringing a son, or if the Creator allowed a daughter like her mother, into the world with the risk that their parents could be taken from them by some unkown enemy soldier. Could a soldier truly be happy with his life when he wanted a family? His father would know, or his mother, but he had never deigned to talk to him about his wished for the military life. All he had done was run away. Ah Jenna, if only things had been different, who knows what life may be like now.

 

"I don't think I even know the answer to that Mari, how am I supposed to know what happiness is? Can someone be truly happy with everything? Even if I was the fact that Miria is not would make it so I wasn't either. I don't know if I can ever be happy with my life, just truly happy now. I don't even know how many people I've killed, and I'll never forgive myself. I quite likely made some girl just like Miria a widow, made them lose the love of their life. And because of the life I lead, I don't think I'll ever have the family that I really want. And Miria? I know something about me is bothering her but she won't tell me, and I can't find out what. And I doubt that is very healthy for us."

 

"What if it's Lavena? She may seem like it but sharing your love's heart with another woman would be difficult, even if that woman is dead. Maybe even worse, since she cannot confront Lavena." Sometimes, with all Kedyn prided himself in knowing things, he may very well be just another idiot. Kedyn's mouth worked in slowly, mulling the idea over. Maybe...it could be. Kedyn was perhaps too close too the subject in question to see it. "We all told you that perhaps letting Lavena go for good would be good for the you, mabye it would help with Miria too. I'm not sure how you could, or whether it's possible. But maybe trying is the best you could do."

 

"Gah..why can't love be simple Mari? There was never anything complicated between us."

 

Mari smiled mischeviously. "Well as much fun as we had between us I'm sorry to say love is not one of the things that I can add to our relationship. Love of some things about you maybe..." Kedyn could only help but chuckle at the suggestion and shake his head, glad that Mari knew him wel enough to illicet a laugh in almost any situation. "I'm sure no matter what everything will work out eventually."

 

 

"I hope so Mari, I really do."

 

 

Kedyn

 

 

[Jocelyn]

Miria made her way quickly from the archery range, looking for Kedyn. Every moment she was away from him was beyond bearing in her mind. If she wasn't with him constantly, reassuring him of her love, he may well leave her for someone else that would give him the family he craved. Or worse, he may finally decide she didn't measure up to Lavena. That she was a poor second, and he was better off with his memories than to continue making room in his heart for Miria. No, she couldn't bear that thought. So she clung to him constantly, showing him how much she needed and adored him.

 

It was hard though. She had the distinct impression that Kedyn was growing annoyed with her, which made her cling all the more. She did everything she could to keep him happy, and she couldn't well do that while they were apart. Inevitably they were separated though, with training and other duties, but as always when she was done, Miria hunted him down. She would even sit and watch him train, if need be, though it was a far from terrible pursuit. He was beautiful to watch. And always her heart ached, knowing that he still harboured a love for a dead woman, a woman Miria would likely never measure up to. Oh, they still had their passion, but Miria wanted so much more. So much, and she didn't know if she could ever have it.

 

After stopping long enough to question some of the scouts of his whereabouts, Miria changed direction and headed to the inn where Kedyn supposedly was. Miria frowned slightly as she walked. This was where Mari worked. Miria had never asked Kedyn about her, but she had heard enough from Carnhain and the whispers of others to know that they had once been lovers. They were still friends, and Miria didn't quite know how to deal with that. She had never breathed a word to Kedyn that she knew...how would that conversation go down? I know you slept with the tavern wench, now what? That was not a confrontation she wanted.

 

In fact, she was avoiding confrontation completely. Kedyn had tried several times to find out the true nature of her worries, but Miria had stubbornly refused. It hurt her to hide it, but how much more would it hurt him to know she envied his dead love? No, this was the best way. She would surround him so much that life without her was essentially non-existant. Then he couldn't leave.

 

Forcing a smile to her face, Miria skipped up the stairs to the deck outside the tavern, and swept inside, looking for Kedyn. She spotted him, but not before she heard the tail end of his conversation. With Mari. So, it was complicated between them? Well, she hadn't wanted that. If anything, it was Kedyn's own doing. Heat suffused her features and Mari caught sight of her. Miria had always assumed what was between them was long in the past, but the way they casually laughed about it made Miria wonder if it still continued. Working herself into a jealous frenzy, Miria stared at Kedyn and wondered if he would notice her. If he was sleeping around, and just toying with her...pain squeezed her heart and she glared darkly his way.

 

Miria

[Kael]

It was Mari who first made Kedyn realise that someone else was in the room, he noticed her head jerk, a look passed over her face. Trepidation, anxiety, worry, all those looks seem to pass over her face and Kedyn felt a knot of worry form in his stomach as to who could have walked in to make Mari look like that. His heard turned quickly and he was far from surprised at to who was standing there, now knew exactly why those emotions had passed over Mari's face. Miria and Mari were not the most compatible people in Miria's current state. Jealous and clingy, Mari would of course be afraid of what Miria would think about the two of them, even if Miria did not know about them..after all Mari did not know either way, though Kedyn was sure she did not.

 

But Kedyn was not inclined to worry so much, and at the moment he didn't care all to much what Miria thought. By the look on his lovers face she was not happy, and if she was prepared to get angry at him for spending some innocent time alone with one of his female friends, if she had no shred of trust for him then she deserved to be angry a little because he was angry as well.

 

"Oh hello love, I didn't think you were going to be finished for the day so quickly. Mary and I were just having a few drinks and reminiscing about a few things, I was planning on finding you after we had finished, actually I had thought you were going to be done later or I would have come to meet you." Kedyn would ahve regretted his words after he had said them if he had not had a little irritation flowing through him at the moment, how they sounded they could be taken in a multitude of ways. He finally rose from his chair and turned with a smile to match Miria's dark glare. "Is something the matter?"

 

 

Kedyn

 

[Jocelyn]

Miria tried hard not to splutter as she looked at Kedyn and Mari. Reminiscing? Or rekindling an old flame? Jealousy was rolling through her in an unstoppable tide. She had known that Kedyn was no innocent, that he had taken other lovers before her, but to hear him laughing and joking with one of them...well like he used to do with her, was making her heart constrict painfully.

 

"Why would something be the matter, Kedyn?" Miria's voice was sugary sweet, but her eyes were hard chips of ice. "It's not like you knew I would be finished now, considering we had discussed meeting today." Miria tried to calm down but couldn't, not with Mari looking at her with those wide, guilty eyes.

 

"I mean, why would it matter to me that instead of meeting me, you're here 'reminiscing' about fun times and romps with your ex-lover here." Sarcasm was oozing for her, and she knew she was making Kedyn angry, but just couldn't stop her mouth. "For all I know, you were discussing last night! Or even this morning! Tell me Kedyn, do you tell all your lovers that you love them? Or am I just another whore to you, one who charges a lot less?" Half of her was wincing on the inside, wishing to draw back the words, but at the same time she felt good, finally getting out some of her pent up hurt and anger. Still....light, why was she screaming like a fishwife at the one man she loved, had ever loved, and ever would?

 

Miria

Psycho!

[Kael]

There was always a danger in baiting a wild animal into action, a trouble that there reaction may be rougher and more aggressive than you would expect. Love seemed to bring out the natural instincts in men and woman, their inner animals rising as the primal emotion that Love was tore through one's senses and intelligence, forcing words from mouths that were both loving and spiteful...unfortunately enough Love was never always just love, it's siblings hate and jealousy could not escape from the familial tree that Love made bloom.

 

"Why should I even argue with you know Miria?" Kedyn's voice was louder than he had expected, dripping with the anger that Miria had in turn baited out of him. How she could be so...how she could think..."WHY?? All you'll think of me is the worst. I can't say that anything you are saying is untrue because why would you beleive me? You can't seem to beleive me when I say that I love you so then WHY should I even care what you think now??? As ludicrous as it is all you're going to think about is that I just finished putting my pants back on when you walked in. At least I don't suspect that every man you look like is having as much fun with you as he likes at nights."

 

Kedyn's jaws were set like stone and he was not backing down, if it was  a shouting match the two of them needed, that hurtful and angry apple from Love's tree, then Kedyn was not afraid to take a bite and force away the bile that would come with it. He was tired of stepping on glass to try not to excacerbate the unknown hurt that Miria was carrying around that he knew she had, tired and fed up with it all. They're long relationship sat upon the edge of a knife for Kedyn...if after this Miria could not be strightforeward then maybe the love that they were so admat to share was destined to fail anyways.

 

"So what Miria do you want me to say? Because I have no idea what you want to hear, or if I really want to say what you want to hear. Apparently I can keep some things secret too, hurts doesn't it." Kedyn's last words were coated in as much sarcasm as he could muster, dripping with malcontent and intended hurt. Kedyn kept asking Miria why, but he didn't stop to ask himself why...why was he trying to make things worse. Even the tiniest flame can light a mighty tree on fire and fell it inevitably, Kedyn was likely playing with fire. But fire was sometimes soothing to play with, burning away at the pent up emotions that walking on glass may bring.

 

 

Kedyn

[Jocelyn]

Miria's eyes widened with shock and outrage as Kedyn retaliated brutally, his words hitting her as hard as any physical blow. He didn't even deny her wild accusations! Was it true? Pain was gripping her heart, squeezing her so it was hard to breath. What had she expected? A shamefaced apology as he obediently slinked to her side like a dog with it's tail between it's legs? That was not the man she loved. He was strong and smart...and right now he was so very angry, all of it directed at her. Light, but that hurt.

 

What else did she have to lose? Anger was welling up more and more with his words, her hands twitching into fists by her sides. If there had been a weapon handy, she couldn't say for certain that she wouldn't have tried to use it on him, though his last words caused her to snap. SLAP! Born from her fury, her palm swung through the air and caught the unsuspecting Kedyn on the cheek, his skin already blooming red with the imprint of her hand.

 

Breathing heavily, Miria restrained from doing it again. She had hurt him? Ha! He could be so blind! Did he not see that she was keeping her secret to avoid hurting him? "You don't know what hurt is! Hurt is loving someone so deeply you can't seem to breathe without them," Miria's voice rose as she fought the emotion trying to break it, keeping her hysterical tears at bay. "Hurt is giving everything you have to one person - your heart, your soul, your body. Hurt is having them give you only a piece in return. A piece!" Miria couldn't hold back the tears anymore, as all her hurts came to surface. Lavena, her jealously, her deep seated fear that she couldn't have his child, that he would leave her if he didn't get the family she wanted.

 

"I love you, you wool-brained idiot! I give everything to you! I don't hold my heart back for some dead-woman!" Miria hastily shut her mouth. She had never intended to hold it against Kedyn, the fact that he had found love before her. But she had never counted on how much it would hurt her, knowing he still loved the woman she could never be. She had said too much, far too much. Thankfully she hadn't said it all...the fears..."I am sorry for demanding so much!" Miria sobbed loudly, pressing her hand to her mouth in an attempt to ebb the flow, as she gave Kedyn one last pained look before fleeing from the inn. Not caring where she was going or who she was running into, she ran as fast as she could, blinded by her tears, wanting to find somewhere to just curl up and die. Might as well, she had just ruined whatever happiness she had had.

 

Miria

[Kael]

Kedyn recoiled visibly from the shock of Miria's hand connecting with the soft flesh of his cheek, it flamed angrily as it began to stun as he could tell turn red with the imprint of her fingers. It hurt...oh Light did it hurt. Kedyn who had been stabbed across is torso to the point where there seemed as much scar as skin, Kedyn who still bore the faint scar on his kneck from when his best friend had tried to choke him to death. All of that paled in comparison to the hurt that one small hand was able to inflict upon him with one strike.

 

This hurt was worse than any physical pain, Miria had struck him. He had pushed her to the point where instead of words only physical actions could give over to her true anger. One hand rose to touch the stinging sensation on his cheek as he took in all that Miria had been holding back, his words had broken that damn and it was a flood of anguished words that he met with. A piece? Did she really only think she had taken a piece from his heart? And who was she to beleive that she was the only one who lived and breathed only because of the other...Miria had become his reason to live, his reason to survive and that had not changed. Miria stormed away, tears streaking down her cheeks and Kedyn could only stand there in silence, fuming still though his anger had subsided into a cold rage...tempered by the pain that he had caused Miria but too strong for the moment to be squashed entirely.

 

"Kedyn..." But Kedyn was not in the mood to speak, not in the mood for words. Not in the mood for anything but solitude. It was not in him in the moment to try and lighten the mood in the room, it was not in him to do anything. He could feel his heart straining and breaking beneath the anger seething inside of him. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen.

 

"No Mari...just...no. Not right now."

 

And Kedyn followed Miria's angry example and walked slowly from the inn. He turned towards the gate of the Citadel and just began to walk. He couldn't be around people right now. He forgot his duty, left it behind for the time being. He couldn't bring himself ot care, it was irrelevent in comparison to the pain and anguish that this fight with Miria was causing. He left the Citadel through it's wide open gates and sped into a run, following the path he had taken countless recruits through, memorised to the point that even in his dilapidated state it was an easy task to follow.

 

Kedyn didn't stop until he was surrounded by the tall trees of the woods in the area around the Citadel, he breathed slowly as his heart began to slow back to it's normal pace and he simply stood to listen to the sounds of nature around him. His anger had subsided to a dull feeling of pain in his stomach. He was glad he had decided to leave, he had to think and he couldn't do so around other people. His duty? What was duty when compared to love, what did it matter if he lost Miria? Nor would he have wanted to face Miria again that day when his anger had been so high and her pain had been so immense that there would not have been a cool word between them. No, better for them in Kedyn's opinion to seperate for now. Let there anger and enflamed passions subside even if it meant that the absence may create a little more pain between them. No, it would be worth it. Better to create a little bit more now in order to fix what gaps had been created.

 

Kedyn sighed softly and lowered his tired body to the ground, stretching out upon it. His body ached, his heart ached, his soul ached. He didn't feel complete, the figurative and literal absence of Miria from his life had created a void in his chest where his heart should be. So it had been Lavena all along..but what could he do? How could he helped what he felt....how his heart lived.

 

Ah love...forgive me for what I must do. I will love you forever but...I cannot seperate my heart for Miria, she deserves so much better. I fear after so long it is time to let you go....

 

And Kedyn's weary eyes closed as the land around him began to lose the light of day, sinking into the darkness of sleep as the world around him did the same. A respite...for the moment.

 

 

Kedyn

[Jocelyn]

How she found her hiding place was a blur, but Miria needed the solitude, curled up in one of the old scout tents yet to be pulled down since the construction of the barracks. It was in some ways an ironic place to find herself, back to where she started. She had never felt so utterly alone. She had come to the citadel to hide, to maybe start a new life, but she had found so much more. She had found love. And just now she had ruined every chance of happiness she had.

 

Remembering the way she had yelled at Kedyn made her cringe, tears forming again as she remembered his harsh words, the pain he had caused her. But she was no innocent party. She had lashed out at him, verbally and physically. How could she hurt the one she loved? She was a wretched woman, she didn't deserve happiness, and she certainly didn't deserve Kedyn's love. All she had wanted seemed to be too much. It was as she'd always secretly feared; she was no better than a thieving good for nothing.

 

Was it too much, to want all of Kedyn? To not have to share his heart, his love, with a dead woman? Yes, it was too much, yet she couldn't have it any other way. Constantly she wondered if she compared to Lavena, if she even marginally lived up to her image. Kedyn had told her once that she reminded him of Lavena at times, and Miria had secretly feared that she didn't quite live up to her standard, like she was a cheap imitation. It wasn't a fair thought, but it lingered and poisoned all the same.

 

Light, how could a ghost ruin her life? She should respect the love Kedyn held for Lavena, should understand that she would always be the second woman in his life, but once, just once, she wanted to be first. She wanted to be his everything. Kedyn was her whole world, her sun, moon and stars. And lately, she had resented more and more the shadow of Lavena, the other life where he had been happy and complete without her. The woman who no doubt would have given him the children that she hadn't.

 

Miria slowly rose to her feet and stepped out of the tent, into the darkness. Her steps were light, she didn't want to come across anyone tonight, least of all Kedyn. Accustomed to sneaking about in the dark, it didn't take long for her to slip past the gates and make her way to Lavena's resting place, the white marker glowing dully in the moonlight.

 

Considering it for a moment, Miria sat down and stared at the marker, looked at the name. And she cried, big fat tears that rolled down down her cheeks and splashed onto her knees as she hugged them. "I am so sorry for being unable to share him." She spoke through her tears, grief and anguish evident in her voice. "All I wanted was to love him, and for him to love me too. I never knew how hard it would be to share him with you." Miria swatted at a wet cheek with the back of her hand and sniffed loudly.

 

"I tried, light knows I tried. I wanted it to be enough." It must look ridiculous, talking to no one in the dark, but Miria had no one else to talk to, not without Kedyn. "He is my world. Without him, I have nothing. So, now I have nothing." The words brought with them a loud sob, Miria chewing on her knuckle as her tears flowed freely again. "But I guess he was never mine, not really. You still have a hold over him, you are his first love. I am...well I don't know what I am any more. But I am not you."

 

"I was such a fool. I was so scared of losing him that I ended up driving him away. All I wanted was to avoid this mess. He would only resent me for feeling the way I do, and I didn't want that. I want him to be happy. No, I wanted him to be happy with me. I wanted to be enough." The pain in her chest only squeezed tighter, highlighting the terrible hollow feeling inside. She had lost the only thing worth living for through her own idiocy.

 

"I thought he would leave me, if I didn't give him the child he wanted." The words seemed to hang heavily in the still night air. It was the first time Miria had vocally admitted the terrible fear, the secret that had put her in turmoil all these months. "I want to spend the rest of my life with him, only him. No doubt you would have given him the baby he wants. Light, I may never even be able to conceive. What then? Then...well I am not enough. Not like you were. I'm sure you didn't have to compete with a long lost lover." The words were bitter and fraught with pain, though Miria felt guilt as she uttered them, even though it was no less than the truth in her eyes.

 

"Sometimes, I wonder what life would have been like, if you had lived. Kedyn would be happy. And I would be the one that was dead, hung for my crimes." Did Kedyn wonder that too? Life would have been less complicated for him if Miria had never come along, if Lavena were still alive. Miria stared glumly at the silent marker. "Would that I could change things, I would." Miria whispered and dropped her head to her knees. It should have been her, not Lavena in that grave. Kedyn deserved to be happy. But life was not fair.

 

 

Miria

[Kael]

Kedyn walked slowly through the forest that he had fell asleep in, the shadows were waving in and out of focus as his bare feet grasped the ground beneath him. The pain that he had felt earlier was gone, the soreness of his muscles were non exhistant. Though that was normal when one was dreaming. Still, while Kedyn was sure he was dreaming he could not wake up. "Why would you want to wake up so soon Kedyn?" Kedyn didn't have to turn around to know who it was, nor did he turn as his dream image spoke with his own voice. "Why is it Jenna...that in these kinds of dreams my first mistake is the one to taunt me about the ones I have made now."

 

"Because brother, the red painted all over you makes you such a pretty target." Kedyn finally turned to face the sister he had abandoned for the military so long ago, the green eyes peircing deeply into his. "What do you want to throw at me this time Jenna? Wish to continue to point out what I have been doing to make my pain worse."

 

"I don't think I need to rub it in any more Kedyn, I think you are capable of doing that all to yourself rather well. I'm just here to remind you of what you left behind to pursue all this pain you are grumbling about." Kedyn shook his head and diverted his gaze to the ground beneath him, his gaze following the blurring lines of the scenery around him. "I don't think I can fix this Jenna."

 

"Well that silly, is because it's not yours to fix."

 

Kedyn jumped lightly as he was jolted out of sleep by a loud sound behind him, but it was only some animal scampering by as spooked as he was. He groaned softly as he rose from the ground, stretching his sore shoulders out as he straightened his overly creased clothes into some semblance of order. His body was sore from running, from sleeping in such a strange fashion no matter how used to sleeping on the ground he had become while being a scout for the band. But it was his chest that was the most sore, a combination of both the emotional trauma he had felt as well as the physical.

 

Kedyn did need to go back to the Citadel, he needed to face Miria, this problem could not be fixed by doing nothing and letting it stir. He and Miria would have to solve their problems or fall apart permanantly. And while Kedyn was not sure whether the first or second would happen in the end. "Well no use putting it off." Though Kedyn planned to make one stop first, there was something he had to decide how to deal with first to be able to mend the gaps between his new lover and him.

 

---

 

As always the walk through the Citadel to the mass grave of those who had fallen in service to the Band was long and fraught with memories both happy and painful. Images of Lavena flitted through his mind, but so too came memories of Miria now, the two seemed to be linked. But it was a surprise beyond anything he would have expected to see Miria seated in front of Miria's cross. The light around them had not yet begun to rise in earnest and Kedyn could just barely make out her form but he knew it was her, there wouldn't be anyone else. The night around them was quiet and Kedyn moved just as loudly as he came up behind her. He was silent for a few moments as he thought of what to say and failed to think of anything, instead just opening his mouth and hoping what came out would suffice.

 

"I never did get to say goodbye to her. Never got to see her after she died, in the confusion of the battle no one could remember where she fell...and we never found her. The last thing I ever said to her was the order that got her killed. I blamed myself for a long time, and I think that's why it's been so hard to completely let go. Light know's I've tried...well..." Kedyn wasn't sure whether or not what he was saying could be making their situation worse but he couldn't stop himself now that he had started. He had never told anyone but Miria that he had blamed himself for Lavena's death, it sounded foolish to him even as he said it but he could not shake the feeling. "And in the end that fact ended up hurting you in a way I never wanted to happen."

 

"Honestly Miria I don't know what to say...standing here, making myself come her was hard enough. I hadn't expected to meet you here, I had wanted to collect my thoughts and try to think of what to say but now that you're here...I just don't know, and I don't think I would have anyways." Honesty was all that Kedyn could come up with as he forced the words out in a tired tone, his voice low in the silent gloom around them. Neither of them had moved as he had started talking, neither of them had started to move either.

 

"What I said yesterday...I don't even think an apology can set things right so I won't even try to form the words for it because they could not express how much I want to take back time and do over the mistakes of yesterday. What I said I said only to hurt you...because well, it hurt to think that you do not trust me. That you think I love you so little as to take any girl I see to bed with me is harder to take sometimes than any physical wound could do."

 

Kedyn tried to take in a deep breath and make sure his voice and emotions remained calm, only allowing the deep seeded sorrow and pain that all this had caused to leak into his voice for he could not control it. His heart had shattered once, and while Miria had put the pieces back together he could not help but fear that it was falling towards the ground again. "I didn't think I would ever have to do these things again, fall in love, feel the pain and happiness both that come from that. Devote myself so entirely to another person. I fought for so long to keep the walls up around me, and then you came into my life and pestered me into a smile that shattered the walls and gave me back something to live for, someone to live for. You saved me from being consumed by my grief, and you showed me that there is reason to live and love in this world after I had forced myself to beleive there wasn't, and for what had seemed the oddest reasons to me at the time I loved you because of it, because of everything you are and everything you are too me."

 

"Miria I can't say that I am perfect, I can't say I have only ever had you in my heart and you alone, because I can't lie to you, I love you too damn much to say anything but the truth to you. I pushed the love I had for Lavena into a corner of my heart while the love I have for you grew to outshine and dwarf that part of my heart...but what you said yesterday was right, in the end it's not the whole. But don't assume that changes in the least how I feel for you. I would do anything for you, if you asked I would go to the ends of the world for any trivial thing just to see you smile for a brief moment, to have you in my arms. I wouldn't change the past now that I have you, it's only you that I would ever want now. You just the way that you are, with whatever it is you may think I see lacking in you to make you believe that I would run to another woman...whatever it is I love that about you, for no other reason than that it is a part of you. Any hope I may have for my life has you in it, and changes to have you as a part of it."

 

Kedyn took another deep breath as he prepared to say what he was thinking, not really wanting to hear how Miria would respond...he wasn't sure he would like it. "But I can't ask you to be with me if we cannot trust each other, if we're not willing to tell each other everything, no matter what it is. And if you do not think that I can fully let go of Lavena then maybe this is it...I don't want to hurt you any more. I am trying to convert my entire self to you, that is why I cam here. I fooled myself into believing that there was a chance she would come back and it's taking longer to unlearn that lie than it did to convince myself of it. This is me Miria, I wish I could say differently, say whatever it is you want to hear..but as I said, I love you...too...damn...much."

 

Kedyn's head slumped a little as he let out the final breath, finally falling silent and waiting, dreading, hoping, wishing, praying, that Miria would speak to him after.

 

 

Kedyn

[Jocelyn]

Miria closed her eyes, listening. He wasn't trying to hide his approach, yet he was still quiet. Even had he been silent, Miria would have known he was there. She felt his presence, as though her senses were attuned to him, and in a way they were. He was the other half of her soul. She had been foolish, so very foolish. Nothing else mattered but that they loved each other. She wanted to turn and throw herself into Kedyn's arms, to apologise, to tell him she didn't care about anything else. That she loved him, completely and unceasingly. But she waited, needing to hear what he had to say.

 

Light, her heart was breaking anew, pain at her idiocy and thoughtless cruelty tugging at her chest. She didn't know how it had been, how deeply it had impacted Kedyn. Well she knew, but not to this extent, the fact that he never even got to say goodbye, never recovered her body. How could she expect him to just forget his past and replace it with her? It was heartless, and that was not something she ever wanted to be. She had to show him she was sorry, that she did trust him...but how? She still had not fallen pregnant with his child, maybe she never would.

 

One thing was certain though. As mad as she had been, as hurt as she had felt; she loved Kedyn so much it was hard to breathe. She could smell his faint scent on the breeze, his purely masculine essence, tugging at her heart and stirring her blood. She was a fool to let something so trivial as a deadwoman to tear them apart. He didn't deserve to lose his love twice, and yet she was forcing him to, reliving the pain of losing Lavena again, and then her. But he had come looking for her, like he had Lavena. This time, he had found her. He loved her, and she well knew it, could hear it in his voice and actions. She had to make this right.

 

Kedyn fell silent, and Miria stayed still for the moment, studying the white marker. I will take care of him, and love him as you would have, given the chance, she promised silently. Miria turned at last to look at her lover, wiping away the last of her tears. He was so beautiful, she thought, and not just because of his incredible frame. He was a kind and dedicated man, honest and loyal, loving and noble. There was no one that could come close to comparing to him. In that instant, she knew what she had to do.

 

Miria took a deep breath, and met his clear blue gaze. "Kedyn, I am so sorry. I was hurt and acted foolishly. I trust you, I would trust you to the end." Slowly she stood, stepping closer to him and looking up into the face that she so loved. She took his hands in her own smaller ones, turning them so she could kiss his palms. "I realised tonight that I had made a most dreadful error, one that nearly cost me all the happiness I'd ever known. I love you Kedyn, and it was selfish of me to say the things I did, to envy Lavena. I could never understand what you went through." Miria rasped as she tried to keep her tears at bay. "I don't want to lose you, not now, not ever. If you will have me."

 

Miria hesitated only a moment. She was sure, despite how unconventional this may be. Dropping to one knee, she kept hold of Kedyn's hands and looked up into his eyes, love and sincerity shining in her own. "Kedyn, will you marry me?"

[Kael]

Surprise was not something Kedyn handled well, but this...even if by some miracle he could have foreseen this exact event he still would have been surprised. He had gone from fearing that he would lose Miria forever to having her kneeled in front of him asking him the question that by all right he should ask her. His mouth clicked audibly as he shut it, blinking constantly as his mind raced as the shock of the question coursed through him.

 

The reaction that came to him first was to pick Miria up, kiss her soundly and resolutely say yes...but his tongue held back, his feet stayed firmly where they were. Fear rose up inside of him, anxiety mixing with happiness to make a concoction of doubt that grew from seeds planted when he had first fallen in love with Lavena and again with Miria. Would a marriage between the two of them be a good idea? The rational person that Kedyn was shouted that they were both soldiers, that their lives were as soon to become forfeit to an enemy attack as anything else. It had hurt so much losing Lavena, what would it be like losing the person you were married too?

 

But at the same time this was all Kedyn could have wanted. A wife, perhaps someday even a family. The same rational side that shouted no, also argued that they could always leave the Band if need be. They could leave, become something else entirely and make a family together, in peace. He knew Miria would not be so against that idea, she had no love for the soldierly life, and Kedyn's dreams of being a father and having a family were greater than those of his following his father's soldier footsteps. Would it be so bad to say yes and become so happy?

 

Kedyn sank to his knees so that he was level with Miria, wrapping his hands around her smaller ones and squeezing them tight. He had started this by saying what he truly felt, not what would make Miria the most happy. He would not go back on what he had just said and omit the whole truth to make things easier. "Are you sure about this Miria? That this isn't a thought you may regret when you've had more time to think? You have no qualms about marrying me when next week we could both be called away and end up like all these crosses around us?"

 

There was no hesitation in her movements as she shook her head rejecting the questions that Kedyn had just posed her, none. And that fact was enough to solidify the resolve in Kedyn's heart. A smile bloomed on his pain stricken face, he spread their hands apart, moved closer to her and kissed her as an outlet for all the relief and love that raged inside of him at that moment. In one resolved shake of her head Miria had taken away what doubts he might have had about anything. She would be his, and he would be hers forever.

 

And although the words were in something resembling a whisper the words resounded in his ears as he broke from the kiss. In front of the symbol that marked the loss of his first love, Kedyn said the words that would pronounce to the world his final love.

 

"Yes, I will marry you Miria." And unable to resist, he kissed her again.

 

 

Kedyn

[Jocelyn]

It probably wasn't the smartest idea she'd ever had. After all, most women didn't propose marriage to a man after just accusing him of loving someone else and sleeping with a tavern worker. But this was the only way she knew of to show Kedyn how much she loved him, that nothing else that had come between them mattered. Still, not her greatest move. She loved him, the light knew she did, and it was in this moment of clarity she knew she wanted to be by Kedyn's side for the rest of her life, for better or worse.

 

She knew Kedyn loved her, too. Still, those moments of silence were some of the scariest of her life. What if he said no? What if he rejected her? She would look like a fool! Besides, what if he was offended by the notion of a female doing the proposing? And it wasn't the most romantic of locations, in a cemetery, by the marker of his dead first love. Light, she was such an idiot...her thoughts were silenced as Kedyn knelt in front of her, his warm hands enveloping her own. Even now, he was thinking of her. She had never been more certain of anything, but she knew she wanted to marry Kedyn. She didn't hesitate in the slightest when she shook his head, her eyes searching his for the answer she sought.

 

It was like the sun coming out after the rain, seeing Kedyn's magnificent smile bloom across his face. It warmed her heart, like it always did, and she returned it with one of her own, and then she was in his arms, where she belonged. All of her pent up emotion spilled out and Miria clung to Kedyn, leaning against him as they kissed, her hands in his hair as he held her close to him, as though silently vowing to never let go for so long again.

 

Tears of joy were pricking her eyes when Kedyn finally lifted his head long enough to whisper the words that made her heart soar and her blood sing through her veins. She was smiling and crying, losing herself in the arms of her betrothed. Miria rained kisses over his face and down his neck, laughing and crying her joy. She lifted her head and smiled at him as Kedyn tenderly wiped the tears from her cheeks. "I love you." She murmured again, resting her palms on his chest to feel his heart beating, beating for her. "Come let me show you how much." Smiling slyly, Miria stood, tugging Kedyn after her. She laced her fingers through his, smiling up at him. "Come with me."

 

Miria felt like she was walking on air as she stepped between the white markers, the sky still dark with the light of the fading stars shimmering above them. It seemed right, somehow, that they make up and confirm this new revelation out under the stars. They were scouts, and the darkness and wilderness were their friends. It was out here that they had met, that they had developed their friendship and love had blossomed.

 

It was dark and cool beneath the thick copse of trees, the sound of water surrounding them from the nearby stream. It was there that Miria halted, turning to admire Kedyn in the dim light, her fingertips tracing his cheeks, his nose, his lips, relearning him by touch. "I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you, like this." She whispered, stepping back from the circle of Kedyn's roving arms. She smiled, a mysterious, unusually bold smile, and slowly stripped in the failing darkness, removing all that would separate them, letting Kedyn admire her nakedness before stepping close once more to divest him of his clothing with unhurried desire. She wanted to savour this moment, to take the time to renew their love, to show him how deeply and desperately she loved him, only him. "I love you, Kedyn."

 

 

Miria

[Kael]

Kedyn was smiling to himself as Miria led him away, recognizing the look on his face and his blood was already beginning to heat with anticipation. He was surprised that she was being so bold, his usually shy lover showing a different side of her. The darkness created a world for just the two of them, the trees around a curtain to protect them from the outside world. Miria stepped into his arms, their world, and her touch was like heaven to have once again. And now, he would never lose her. His lover, his betrothed now.

 

She stepped away from him and Kedyn stood still, his face shining with the love and joy of having Miria, his blood burning with lust as she began to remove her clothing. Her actions were slow, sweet, as if they would last forever. The moonlight seemed to illuminate her beauty for him and him alone, his heart beast loud enough that Miria must have been able to hear it. And then she stepped foreword and slowly began divesting him of his clothes, he stood still and let her do so alone. This small token of love.

 

"I love you too Miria. We will be together forever." And he drew her closer, pressed their naked bodies against each other and kissed her slowly. The stars and the trees were the only witnesses to their lovemaking. Slow and sweet, each taking their time to marvel in each other. It was such sweetness, their hearts beat as they sealed their engagement, the joining of their souls as they joined their bodies.

 

 

Kedyn pressed his lips against the golden crown of Miria's hair as she nestled her head against his chest, both slick from the exertions of their moonlit interlude. He smiled as he watched her finger trace over the scar on his shoulder. The actual act that had caused that scar seemed so far away now, it almost seemed trivial when compared to the hear and now. Now he was engaged to the woman of his dreams, now he had gone one night to sleep alone in a forest with only his depression and anger to company him to again sleeping under the trees but with his lover in his arms. She looked up at him and he kissed her forehead softly.

 

"If you love me that much I'm surprised your heart hasn't burst yet." Kedyn couldn't help his teasing tone to bring out the light blush of Miria's pale cheeks that had smiles uncountable to his face. "But I believe the question we need to answer is now, is when. When do you think we should have the wedding, I will admit my planning capabilities are lacking when it comes to something like this. And I do say, seeing you in a dress will be quite the change." Kedyn mused on the topic, completely devoid of any worries any cares, as he temporarily lost them to the imaginings of his future with Miria.

 

 

Kedyn