Welcome Eldurian!

[seiakera]

We have a new recruit!

 

Eldurian, who will be rp'ing with Jokun as a trainee! Join me on welcoming him to our ranks! :)

[jozan]

*sneaks into the warder yard* Welcome newbie :) *tries to sneak out but falls over a drunk guard on the way out*

[Eldurian]

Thanks for the warm welcome! Once my bio is done being cross-checked and I have access to the warder yards, there will be someone trying to sneak in and take a look around if any of you would be the type to investigate such things.

[Rasheta Ardashir]

Hello New guy! Welcome to the crazy! :)

[Eldurian]

Writing up my first post here so I can hit the ground running when the cross check comes through. :)

 

((Feel free to write yourself into this topic if you have an interest in doing so.))

 

The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legends fade to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the Age that gave it birth comes again. In one Age, called the Third Age by some, an Age yet to come, an Age long past, a wind rose around the royal palace of Caemlyn. This wind was not the beginning. There are neither beginnings nor endings to the turning of the Wheel of Time. But it was a beginning.

 

Up the wind rose and... wait... this is a story about Eldurian... and he'd want us to get to the flaming point! So around the wind blew and did a bunch of neat stuff in awesome places before it blew through through an inn of the city of Tar Valon, where Eldurian sat in his small clothes unable to sleep a wink.

 

As the wind tugged at his blankets he finally decided there was no point in trying to sleep any further and tossed them to the side with no small amount of enthusiasm. The room was nice enough but as usual he had to bend his legs to fit on the bed and how could he sleep knowing what wonders lay outside anyway?

 

Eldurian was still belting on a set of brown woolen breeches and pulling his dark green coat over a white linen shirt, as he ducked through the doorway and made his way toward the common room. Most of the patrons had already made their way to their beds but Horfull still sat at one of the tables drinking a dark red wine from a well polished silvery cup.

 

He arched an eyebrow looking Eldurian up and down in a judicious manner. "Where would you be heading then lad?" The stout Murandian merchant was nice enough once you got to know him but he seemed to never fully trust anyone, especially Andorans.

 

"Exploring. I want to get a better look around before we leave tomorrow."

 

"Just you mind yourself and stay clear of that tower, once those Aes Sedai tangle you in their web there's no getting away from them." Horfull lowered both eyebrows in a stern gaze to emphasize his point.

 

"Noted, I'll be sure to steer clear of the White Tower and any Aes Sedai plots. See you in the morning Horfull."

 

"You had bloody well better because I'm leaving as soon as we finish loading the wagons, with or without your overgrown hide!"

 

"Also noted, when have I ever been late?" Eldurian grinned and made a mock bow before turning to exit. Horfull snorted behind him but he barely noticed as he stepped into the street and set a course directly toward that majestic white tower, gleaming in the light of the moon.

Edited September 4, 2013 by Eldurian

[Rasheta Ardashir]

I just happened to be passing through Seiakera so hopefully this isn't stepping on your toes. :)

 

Eldurian I like your writing style, but the first post reads more like you are starting a novel vs joining the Rp side. If it was me I'd take the whole wind bit out. If you need some ideas or help I'd start here http://www.dragonmount.com/forums/topic/82246-an-uncertain-welcome-open/ or here http://www.dragonmount.com/forums/topic/66436-raising-a-mark-or-two/ both should give you a better idea of what an Rp looks like, if you will. :)

Edited September 4, 2013 by Rasheta Ardashir

[Eldurian]

Awwww! But that intro was my favorite part! :(

 

I'll experiment around a bit and see if I can come up with another good hook.

[Sherper]

Another thing I would point out is... PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME READ DOUBLE SPACED WRITING. It would look much nicer if it was made into some decent paragraphs.

[Eldurian]

Ok, here's some revisions.

 

Eldurian sat in bed unable to sleep a wink. The caravan had arrived in Tar Valon late in the evening. To late for anything but settle down at an inn for the night. So here he sat, trying to get some sleep, knowing that outside was the greatest city in the world, home of the Aes Sedai, ready to be explored.

 

As a breeze whistled through the window tugging at his blankets he finally decided there was no point in trying to sleep any further and tossed them to the side with no small amount of enthusiasm. The room was nice enough but as usual he had to bend his legs to fit on the bed and the pull of the wonders that laid outside the inn was just too strong.

 

Still belting on a set of brown woolen breeches and pulling his dark green coat over a white linen shirt he ducked through the doorway and made his way toward the common room. Most of the patrons had already made their way to their beds but Horfull still sat at one of the tables drinking a dark red wine from a well polished silvery cup.

 

He arched an eyebrow looking Eldurian up and down in a judicious manner. "Where would you be heading then lad?" The stout Murandian merchant was nice enough once you got to know him but he seemed to never fully trust anyone, especially Andorans.

 

"Exploring. I want to get a better look around before we leave tomorrow." inwardly Eldurian grimaced at the thought of leaving so soon, but he still directed an innocent smile toward Horfull, hoping he wouldn't grow suspicious.

 

"Just you mind yourself and stay clear of that tower, once those Aes Sedai tangle you in their web there's no getting away from them." Horfull lowered both eyebrows in a stern gaze to emphasize his point.

 

"Noted, I'll be sure to steer clear of the White Tower and any Aes Sedai plots. See you in the morning Horfull."

 

"You had bloody well better because I'm leaving as soon as we finish loading the wagons, with or without your overgrown hide!"

 

"Also noted, when have I ever been late?" Eldurian grinned and made a mock bow before turning to exit. Horfull snorted behind him but he barely noticed as he stepped into the street and set a course directly toward that majestic white tower, gleaming in the light of the moon.

 

----------------------

 

Eldurian crept forward silently to get a better view. Tar Valon was everything he ever dreamed of, the entire city seemed a magnificent piece of art, and the tower like a glimmering beacon of the Light itself. But there had been one thing in this city that drew him on like nothing else and now it lay before him.

 

Despite there were still a few figures in the practice yard, working forms and sparring with an elegant but deadly grace. He was so clumsy with a weapon himself. Sure he's sparred while growing up, but he'd never received much of anything in the way of proper instructions. He had a good reach and the strength to batter many opponents down, but that probably wouldn't get him far against opponents as graceful as these figures.

 

If he could train with them, even just for a day... suddenly he felt the prickling sensation on the back of his neck of being watched. Come to think of it, some of the warders on the yard seemed to be very pointedly not looking his direction...

I'm going to leave it open a bit at that. Figured it was a decent set up for anyone to write themselves in if interested. This is open to anyone who's character might logically be here including tower initiates.

 

Also for those who haven't seen this topic:

 

http://www.dragonmount.com/forums/topic/84591-random-characteristic-generator/?do=findComment&comment=3025164

 

If anyone is interested I'd love someone to come up with some plot twists for Eldurian to run into down the road. These have to be things Eldurian is not aware of at this point. They don't have to be unmanifested talents / talents he's not aware he has. It could also be things related to old friends / family members, something he'll randomly discover etc. I just want some scenarios to react to that I don't see coming. If anyone wants to screw with my plotline a bit just let me know. You've got complete freedom to write something into my backstory as long as you aren't controlling Eldurian's past actions, and you have complete freedom to make me discover something terrible / injure me. Just no death or lost limbs unless I get the chance to avoid them please. Also please ok it with a staff member so we don't get a "You made him heir to the Seanchan throne?! What were you thinking?!?!?!"

 

Edit: I couldn't get indentations to work and I didn't want to interrupt the flow of the dialogue too much. I haven't taken an English class in forever but I think I remember you're supposed to start a new paragraph each time the speaker changes during a dialogue. How would you suggest I approach this issue?

Edited September 7, 2013 by Eldurian

[Sherper]

I fixed a few bits in your story, though mostly punctuation and grammatical adjustments. Read the comment made in brackets (-xxxxxx-) and keep in mind I've added a few marks here and there as well as removed some stuff. 

 

Eldurian sat in bed unable to sleep a wink. The caravan had arrived in Tar Valon late in the evening. To (Too) late for anything but (he) settle down at an inn for the night. So here (There) he sat, trying to get some sleep, knowing that outside was the greatest city in the world, home of the Aes Sedai, ready to be explored.

As a breeze whistled through the window tugging at his blankets he finally decided there was no point in trying to sleep any further and tossed them to the side with no small amount of enthusiasm. The room was nice enough but as usual he had to bend his legs to fit on the bed and the pull of the wonders that laid outside the inn was just too strong. (-You’ll need to reword this sentence, it doesn’t quite flow properly-)

Still belting on a set of brown woolen (woollen) breeches and pulling his dark green coat over a white linen shirt(,) he ducked through the doorway and made his way toward the common room. Most of the patrons had already made their way to their beds but Horfull still sat at one of the tables(,) drinking a dark red wine from a well polished silvery cup (-Add something here about Horfull to justify the inclusion of that comma and make this sentence more desriptive-).

He arched an eyebrow looking Eldurian up and down in a judicious manner. "Where would you be heading then lad?" The stout Murandian merchant was nice enough (,) once you got to know him (,) but he seemed to never fully trust anyone ,  (-) especially Andorans.

"Exploring. I want to get a better look around before we leave tomorrow." inwardly Eldurian grimaced at the thought of leaving so soon, but he still directed an innocent smile toward Horfull, hoping he wouldn't grow suspicious.

"Just you mind yourself and stay clear of that tower, once those Aes Sedai tangle you in their web there's no getting away from them." Horfull lowered both eyebrows in a stern gaze to emphasize his point. (-Wait, we have a tavern keeper in Tar Valon who would so openly speak ill of Aes Sedai? That’s a bit weird isn’t it?-)

"Noted, I'll be sure to steer clear of the White Tower and any Aes Sedai plots. See you in the morning Horfull." (-It is always a hard to fix, but I’d recommend you read out loud your dialogue. Trust me, it’ll make it sound a lot more realistic once you get the hang of it-).

"You had bloody well better (!) because I'm leaving as soon as we finish loading the wagons, with or without your overgrown hide!" (-Again, Dialogue realism-)

"Also noted, when have I ever been late?" Eldurian grinned and made a mock bow before turning to exit. Horfull snorted behind him but he barely noticed as he stepped into the street and set a course directly toward that majestic white tower, gleaming in the light of the moon.

Eldurian crept forward silently to get a better view. Tar Valon was everything he ever dreamed of, the entire city seemed a magnificent piece of art, (don’t use commas in front of ‘ands’ unless you strictly want the reader to pause) and the tower like a glimmering beacon of the Light itself. But there had been one thing in this city that drew him on like nothing else and now it lay before him.

Despite (-Presume you intended to add ‘it being night’ here-) there were still a few figures in the practice yard, working forms and sparring with an elegant but deadly grace. (You managed to sneak past the tower guards? One does not simply ‘step’ into the warder’s yard.) He was so clumsy with a weapon himself. (-Clunky transaction here-)  Sure he's sparred while growing up, but he'd never received much of anything in the way of proper instructions. He had a good reach and the strength to batter many opponents down, but that probably wouldn't get him far against opponents as graceful as these figures. If he could train with them, even just for a day...  (-Moved this bit into the previous paragraph-)

Suddenly he felt the (a) prickling sensation on the back of his neck of being watched. Come to think of it, some of the warders on the yard seemed to be very pointedly not looking his direction...

 

As to your dialogue question and about indentation, the golden rule is to keep it consistent. There is no right or wrong way to format a story, but it is wrong to switch formats mid-way through your story.

 

I personally don't indent or switch paragraphs whenever a bit of dialogue comes up, but that is really personal preference and I'm sure there are other styles out there that are equally acceptable.

 

Also, it is kind of hard to think up of Other people's background when you are not entirely sure where the character's owner wants to take the said character. It would be much better if you think up of some ideas and post them to the community, then see what is plausible and what isn't.

Edited September 7, 2013 by Sherper

[Eldurian]

Ah I suppose I didn't specify who Horfull is. He's the merchant Eldurian came in with. Not the tavern keeper. Thanks for the input. I'll make the fixes next time I'm at a keyboard (Doing most of this from an iPhone during downtime at work.)

[Elessar]

Welcome to the Warders, Eldurian! Good luck with your training! :)