Out of My Way

[Sirayn]

Nobody’s gonna stand in my way

Give it up son, I’m doin’ this my way

Nobody’s gonna stand in my way

Give it up son, I’m doin’ this my way

Did you want to be the one who pushed me off the wall?

Did you want to be the one who let me fall?

- Seether, “Out of My Way”

 

Aramina sur Dulciena. Estel Liones. Lavinya Morganen. Serena Morrigan. Four women, all of whom she had taken into her circle, whom she had sheltered, to whom she offered guidance and protection, in whom, hardest of all, she had put her faith. All of them had knowledge enough to blow her schemes sky high. She had placed certain restrictions on them, of course, to protect the whole mad venture, but other than that she had supported them in everything. It was she who had found Aramina worthy of the Green Ajah, she who had defended Estel when everyone else had found her wanting, she who had seen potential in Lavinya despite the lightskirt behaviour, she who had promised to free Serena from her captivity. She had their obedience and she had damn well earned it.

 

Aramina sur Dulciena. Estel Liones. Lavinya Morganen. Serena Morrigan. One had betrayed her. One had broken their Order vows, rejected her leadership, smashed a precisely calculated plan and ruined months’ worth of hard work. All that time she had lain awake at night thinking on the Black Ajah, sleeplessly turning over the tactical dimensions, how to take on an enemy whose number and position she did not know … the forkroot gamble and all its associated dangers … the encouraging knowledge that though the battle would be long and bitter she had prepared for it as well as she could: all had gone for nothing because of one traitor. Even now her hard won forkroot was stored in a safe place and if … just if, everything went to hell overnight, she might be able to access it in a hurry; but if the Shadow waited any longer than that for its big move she might find the forkroot taken off her bloody hands before she got half a chance to use it.

 

Aramina sur Dulciena. Estel Liones. Lavinya Morganen. Serena Morrigan. She had no idea what had brought one to turn on her, nor would she ever know as far as she knew, and in truth it was irrelevant she supposed. Someone had proven themselves unworthy of her faith. They were unreliable; the contract between she and them had to be terminated. No longer could she trust her most secret and valuable work even to those she had brought together for that specific purpose. Light but it galled her! The time and care she had put into the Order, all her hard work, her careful use of all the skills she had gained … all thrown away like something to be discarded in the day’s rubbish. But it did not trouble her as much as it might have. She had always known she took a risk in trusting anyone. A stupid risk of course, and one she planned not to take again, but one known to her all the same.

 

Aramina sur Dulciena. Estel Liones. Lavinya Morganen. Serena Morrigan. The real reason why she wasn’t clawing the walls right now was simple. In the back of her mind, ticking over like a machine, she was calculating which one had turned on her. Detached though she might seem she observed very closely at all times and in her memory, one of her best and most relentless assets, was stored enough information to make that judgement. And when she did decide who was to blame … heads were going to roll. More than that: somebody was going to find that all the shame and fury they had inflicted on her would bounce back tenfold. Short of ripping out all their tongues she could never be totally sure that nobody would betray her, but one thing she could be certain of was that nobody would do so and walk away afterward. The power to punish lay entirely in her hands. Hand. And she meant to use it.

 

Aramina sur Dulciena.

 

It discouraged her deeply but the thought made a very final kind of sense. Aramina, her most prized possession, an exquisite example of Cairhienin intelligence and discretion; Aramina whom she had thought would be her second in command one day when she was running the Last Battle with all the world on her shoulders; Aramina whom she had been so certain of, whom she had trusted, not just with Order work, but with little pieces of her private secrets … was the last person, the very last person in the world whom she would ever have wanted to suspect. But she had known ever since she sent Aran to the hard games of Cairhien that the two were acquainted. Though she felt little such sentiment herself, she knew logically that even Aes Sedai had had their head turned by men in the past, even ones as disagreeable as the Darkfriend.

 

Was it even just the forkroot? Light only knew what Aramina had spilled to him in pillow talk late at night. Her blood ran cold when she thought of what else she had told Aramina … secrets not to damage her career but to absolutely destroy it. Stupid, careless risks on her part. She should never have told anyone anything, even women who reminded her so much of a dead sister, and for what purpose even? To make herself look better to Aramina? To offer the first inklings of two-way trust? Bloody stupid. She hadn’t lost her head so much since she was in whites. Well, it would end now, it had to end.

 

Exacting a slow and satisfying revenge did not amuse her so much any more now she knew it would be Aramina she had to punish. She didn’t want to. If she had never taken Aramina into her confidence, would this betrayal still have happened? Did the woman just possess a streak of disloyalty, was she a turncoat, had the opportunity just been too much to ignore, had she said a little too much by accident? No, surely not. Aramina did not let anything slip, she spoke deliberately or not at all. Not that it was much of a comfort right now. A calculated betrayal then; Sirayn contemplated this and its ramifications bleakly. It was going to take no end of work to tie up all these loose ends completely and no loose end daunted her quite as much as confronting serene, flawless Aramina sur Dulciena over the inconvenient fact that she was a lying traitor.

 

Still, she had faced harder tasks, she supposed. Lingering in her quarters at least let her replace the bitter, frightening memories of what Aran had done with harder truths, but some time she was going to have to face the music, and better now than later. So she straightened her skrts, putting everything back into place after her little interlude with Aran, obsessively enough that she could look at herself in the mirror and pretend nothing had ever happened: no sir, nothing to see here, move along now. She still had the compulsive and overriding urge to clean her hand on something until the memory went. Instead she let herself out of her quarters, quietly, finding some proper Aes Sedai composure as she did so, and went in search of Aramina sur Dulciena.

 

Once before the right door she paused a moment calculating her approach. She had gained good results from an earlier interrogation by being the most callous bastard she could manage while obeying the Three Oaths; she felt too old and too miserable to impersonate Semirhage any time soon, dramatic as that had been at the time, but a bit of righteous fury wouldn’t do anyone any harm. And after all … she had liked Aramina, valued her, even trusted her, shown her a side of herself she normally kept secret. In return she had received pretty lies and betrayal. Painted, perfect faces hiding disloyalty and malice: the story of the Tower in distilled form.

 

All her work had gone for nothing because for some reason Aramina just couldn’t resist the opportunity to get at her. It had been wildly successful judging by how shaken she still felt on the inside, weakness she couldn’t show anyone, and she didn’t even know why. What had she done to deserve such treachery? Hadn’t she offered Aramina her open hand? Hadn’t she brought Aramina into her innermost circle and relied on her to be there when the necessity came? It infuriated her. She found it murderous hard to extend the slightest trust to anyone and when she did, she ended up being taken in by yet another flatterer, someone who could talk the talk while walking a very different walk altogether. It was Corin bloody Danveer all over again.

 

Forkroot. The memories stung her and she pushed open the door rudely without knocking, heedless of anyone who might be inside, entered to interrupt any such meeting. Only silence and the faint scent of flowers ruled across the elegantly appointed quarters; but opposite from her a door stood slightly open and she glimpsed sunlight … Discarding all caution she crossed the floor and pushed open that door too. Brilliant sunshine fell through the glass window and onto a broad sweep of flowers in vivid bloom, their scents painting the air like a different kind of colour, books in many different sizes. Just as pretty as its owner; she considered Aramina coldly. Traitor and turncoat. She hardened her heart.

 

“Are you proud that you pulled that off?” Her voice stayed even and cold. “I’m impressed. Full marks for creativity. But you really shouldn’t try something that can be traced straight back to you.” Call me master, she remembered, and stuffed down the memories of fear and shame and horror before they could overwhelm her. “I trusted you,” said Sirayn Damodred in tones bordering on the glacial. “Rest assured I won’t make that mistake again.”

 

Sirayn Damodred

Retro Head of the Green Ajah

[TaeaDawn]

No matter how old she got, Aramina still found that much of the world surprised her. She was good at keeping herself from showing it, but surprise was something she felt too often by all means.

 

Surprise, was what she felt as her ward went off and someone crossed into her quarters without waiting for her invitation. Surprise, was what she felt as Sirayn opened the door to her private, innermost sanctuary. Surprise, was what she felt when Sirayn began to speak to her.

 

It left her far too soon as the feelings turned from surprise to horror as she listened to the person she respected the most in the world turned on her for no reason that she knew or could understand.

 

She opened her mouth to speak and found she had nothing to say. She hadn't done anything that would cause Sirayn to mistrust her! Light, how many times had she worked herself to the brink to make certain one of Sirayn's plans worked? How many nights had she worked into the wee hours to be sure she had the right information from the reports that she recieved? How many times did she have to prove herself? It was like she was standing in front of the whole Green Ajah again, waiting for Sirayn Sedai to pass judgement.

 

She took a deep breath. She was no young child now, no fresh to the shawl Aes Sedai. She was a member of the Battle Ajah, one who commanded respect and loyalty. Betray Sirayn? If Sirayn so much as pointed a finger and said she wished that person dead, Aramina would have made it happen and found a way to make it to Sirayn's best interest. How could the woman doubt her after so long?

 

Her own face remained immobile and she was thankful even now of the facade that was so much a part of her than she no longer needed to work it. Calm. She needed to be calm. She felt ripped up inside and she refused to look into the cause of that any further, but she knew it was true nonetheless. She had to stay calm and figure this out because Sirayn apparently wasn't in her right mind.

 

"I'm afraid you'll have to explain exactly what you're talking about Sirayn Sedai." She said in a level voice as she set her book down and rose from the chaise. "To my last recollection, we were both working towards the same ends. Please let me know where I am mistaken." She walked over to a tray and poured two glasses. "Tea?" She offerend Sirayn as she tried to give her mind a moment to catch up with the events that were unfolding.

 

[Sirayn]

To nobody’s surprise Aramina did not show so much as a trace of feeling; the only hint that she was even startled came when she closed her mouth again without speaking. Of course proper Cairhienin, raised on the city’s murderous intrigues, would be able to exercise discretion far better than half-breeds and pretenders like her. Yes, she had to admire the quality of that control, even as it infuriated her that the other woman would politely invite her to explain herself after what she’d done. Betrayal had a bitter, bitter taste even for one as well used to it as she and she did not intend to let it poison her for much longer. Traitors needed to be cut out like a cancer. She meant to wield the knife without remorse.

 

Even the mention of tea gave her a moment’s sheer incredulity. Now it was her turn to remain silent, ice crystallising on the outside, as inwardly her mind worked furiously. How in the midst of a forkroot crisis could someone offer her tea and think it in any way an innocent gesture? As far as she knew only she had access to the forkroot’s current location, but Aramina could have skimmed some off the original shipment for her own purposes, she herself would have done nothing less. It wasn’t even much of an attempt as intimidation went since unless she was very much mistaken she could just tell Aramina to drink the Light forsaken stuff herself. It made no sense at all. Or perhaps it wasn’t doctored with forkroot, she could just about accept that as a possibility, but the memory of Corin Danveer and his little cup of magic left her cold all over. There was no way she could take it; the boy Corin had made certain that she could never accept anything from someone’s hands again.

 

Maybe it was just a subtle attempt to disconcert her, in which case it had succeeded admirably. She had to tip her hat to her adversary; Aramina was nobody’s fool. “No thanks.” She bit off the words letting her tone convey that she had not missed the little jibe. “You take me for a fool if you think I’ll believe that. You know why I’m here as well as I do. Did you think I wouldn’t find out? No doubt you’re cleverer than I am, this little episode proves that, but I assure you I am quite capable of basic reasoning.” Corrosive anger edged into her voice despite her best efforts at composure. “There’s a quote I think sums it up neatly. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” And she was damned if she’d let Aramina sur Dulciena ever fool her again.

 

“But I admit,” she took a good grip of herself, smoothing out her tone, “while a good deal has become clear to me now I know you’re a turncoat traitor, I still have some questions to ask. Like why did you do it? And how much of-” her throat closed on the words, for a moment she couldn’t even say it; hadn’t realised until now how much she had relied on Aramina to outweigh the chorus of voices from the past; Aramina who had given such a brilliant performance at pretending to look up to her; “how much of what you said was a lie?”

 

Sirayn Damodred

Retro Head of the Green Ajah

[TaeaDawn]

A flash of anger crossed her face before she could stop it. Aramina rarely became angered. She took life as it came on her and though the outcome was often upsetting, she was smart enough to read the possibilities and she always planned for the worst. Being called a liar and a turncoat were not something she was used to. If it had been any other woman in her quarters she would have summarily thrown them out but it was Siryan Sedai, and this had to be answered.

 

She wasn't capable of lieing to Sirayn even if the Three Oaths hadn't held her. Her spirit needed Sirayn's acceptance the way her body needed air. Without it, neither could function. To have her loyalty thrown in her face after all this time was like a physical blow and she felt the breath leave her body. No doubt Sirayn could read the signs of her anger and would twist them to whatever scheme she was working here.

 

Her voice was hard when she found the breath to speak. "If I am the turncoat that you claim Sirayn, why would you trust anything I say now?" she asked. She set her own cup of tea down before Sirayn could see how badly her hands were shaking.

 

"I will try this anyway though. For reasons beyond my understanding, you have come to doubt my loyalty after over a hundred years service. I have bleed for you and I have sent others to die to protect your interests, but if that is not enough, then my word. I have never lied to you. I have not turned on you or spoken to anyone of anything you and I discuss. By the light and my hope of salvation and rebirth, I swear it, though if you don't believe the three oaths that one will hardly matter and that leaves us in a prickly position doesn't it?"

 

If Sirayn believed her capable of actually lieing straight out... the accusation was unthinkable and yet she felt it in her heart, a heaviness that hung between them. Dark friend. ShadowSworn. Black. She wanted to run just from the thought of it, but she wasn't black. She was Green. And she wouldn't make a lie of her shawl just when her words were being questions for a lie as well.

 

[Sirayn]

Some could extract truth cold and white and beautiful as a diamond from the darkest matter. People like Lanfir Leah Marithsen had found honour in everything; like a compass, they turned always toward the Light, it was an immutable law of nature. Others were exceptionally skilled at lying. She put Aramina sur Dulciena into the latter category. To invoke the Three Oaths in such a situation, after the magnitude of her betrayal, shook her even as it outraged her; it called to her, the Three Oaths had defined her life in sharp lines, but then again it had been designed to do precisely that. Of course she felt an indefinable chill at the words. Aramina had calculated that effect to an inch.

 

Shock tactics. She held that thought close to her heart. The one and only reason why Aramina would say that to the woman she had betrayed was to lie her way out of an otherwise hopeless situation. She had to know that while inadequate in every other respect, two qualities Sirayn Damodred possessed in spades were tenacity and a vengeful streak a mile wide, and now that her treachery had been uncovered Aramina would know the moment called for desperate measures if she was to escape punishment. Yet while many would have been moved by a call to the Three Oaths … they did not include Sirayn. She had seen a little too much of the colder side of Aes Sedai politics to be taken in so easily.

 

“If you had any respect for my intelligence, any at all,” began Sirayn on a bitter edge; but then she caught herself before she gave this liar another opportunity to make a fool of her. Call me master. Light what a mess, what a stupid mindless tragedy, what had she even been thinking? Aes Sedai did not trust; they knew better than such idiocy; trust was a soft comfortable lie for people with nothing to lose. She kept it terse. “The Three Oaths are worth nothing to a sufficiently determined Aes Sedai. Nothing. Their sole purpose is to give a false sense of security to the masses. Just because I can’t hear the cracks where you escape the First Oath doesn’t mean you’re not doing it.”

 

Sunlight and flowers and pretty colours dazzled her temporarily. She stared at them while she got herself under control, fury warring with shame, a vindictive desire to wreak the same havoc here that Aramina had done to her. It relieved her immensely that her voice remained steady and unfeeling. “You had the right to walk away. I would have given you that. If you’d just told me you wanted to leave the Order we could have sorted it out. But this,” rising wrath rendered her temporarily speechless, she had a second attempt, “this -- travesty wasn’t necessary. So perhaps you could spell it out for me in words of one syllable. Why?”

 

Sirayn Damodred

Retro Head of the Green Ajah

[TaeaDawn]

Walked out on the Order? There had been times in her life where Aramina had wished she had never known of it's existence, when the demands of perfection that Sirayn exacted from her people were too high and she had felt like she would be crushed from the sheer pressure of it. But she would never have traded what she did. Knowing what she was a part of precluded any personal weakness. Walked out on the Order? Betray the Order? She would rather be stilled, but Sirayn was in no mood to hear such words and she was in no mood to utter the truth of them.

 

Her entire career she had been trying to emulate Sirayn Sedai, tried to match her in the Great Game that she played so skillfully. She had done everything she could for the Order and in some cases she had gone beyond that and put in her own failsafes that would protect Sirayn. And yet here she was, called to account for treachery that wasn't her own.

 

"Tell me what to answer for Sirayn Sedai, and I will. You assume I am guily so you assume I know of what you speak. Humor me if you must, but tell me what greviance I have done you. Tell me what I would have done to shed this doubt over a hundred year's faithful service."

 

[Sirayn]

She hated this. The tension between them put her on edge; she kept wanting to back down, to reach out and the next moment she remembered that this was all a cleverly crafted web of lies. If the other woman had just nodded, accepted that the game was up and prepared herself for whatever price came from being caught in treachery … she could be done with this by now, not engaged in a terrible kind of duel with a younger, smarter, better version of herself, and she hadn’t even realised it would hurt this much to hear Aramina sur Dulciena speak to her as if nothing had changed. As if she were the one who had gone mad, as if Aramina had started this herself, as if the first she herself knew about it hadn’t been when Aramina had already turned on her.

 

Had to be cold. Aramina lied extraordinarily well, a performance worthy of Cairhienin theatres let alone a room full of Tar Valon sunlight, but lying was all it was; she sought to cap off her successes by convincing her one-time benefactor that she hadn’t even done anything. A daring attempt, skilfully done, but resigned to failure. Damned if she’d be played a fool for Aramina’s amusement any longer. “As you wish.” Only ice in her voice, mercifully, and her memories all tinged bitter with regret. How easily she had been tricked. All it took to hoodwink her was a pretty smile and skill at flattery. “I gave you a job once -- maybe the most important job I ever gave to an Order member -- because I trusted you above all others. And you went to Cairhien for me, with some sisters, to bargain for and retrieve some forkroot. Job done with your usual consummate skill.

 

“The forkroot is compromised.” Frustration and fury pushed so hard she wanted to hit something, to release just a bit of her tension, but she dared not let anything but iron show through to her tone. “I have encountered someone with highly privileged information. Information that tells me we have a traitor.” Her hand opened and closed in a steady rhythm as she fought the urge to hit something. “Someone talked. Someone put me in -- a difficult and dangerous situation. Someone ruined my plans. Someone risked our entire mission. Somebody betrayed me.” It was a real snarl; the next moment she had her wrath tightly under control. “And what tipped me off that it was you? I imagine you know why, but just in case you need another cue to protest your innocence, why don’t you share with me exactly what you told your charming friend Aran?”

 

Sirayn Damodred

Retro Head of the Green Ajah

[TaeaDawn]

It was incredulous. Someone had found out about the forkroot? There were only 4 women that had gone on that mission and she would have thought them all capable of keeping this to themselves. Her mind was racing between the Sisters and it was jumping from one to another so fast that the next statement hit her so hard she took a step back.

 

"Aran?" She asked dumbly. She blinked for a few seconds, unable to think past the name. Aran. Her lover. The man she- No. She wasn't going to that train of thought. Aran. The Tower guard of ill repute. The man with no last name. The man that had shown her his past. The assassin who wore a Tower Guard's uniform and had pushed past all her defences. Light, he'd never even asked her about Sirayn. They had never talked about her. Had he seen something on her tables? Some scrap of parchment that put things in place? Had she really been so careless?

 

Her eyes fell to the floor as she took a step back and sat heavily on the chaise behind her. Every instinct in her body had been screaming not to trust him since the morning she had realized that he had known who she was on their first night together and said nothing. He had followed her to Cairhein, but for whos purpose? Had her neice been snatched up because of the girl's mistake, or had she been just another victim in Aran's way at getting what he wanted?

 

She closed her eyes, holding back tears that she didn't want Sirayn to see. She wasn't good at this. She could keep the facade better than almost anyone she knew, but she wasn't good when it came to her heart. No one came that close and she couldn't handle the emotional ramifications when they did. She took a deep breath, trying to still herself, find the calm. She pictures Natalie in her mind. She remembered Michael's death, yes, Michael she would name today because his death deserved tears. His honor and courage deserved tears. His love deserved tears. Aran didn't deserve any such thing from her.

 

Tears stood in her eyes as she opened them and looked at Sirayn but they were full of fury now. There was no hiding it. Aramina was a passionate creature when moved to it, but people rarely saw it. Her hands were clenching her skirts so tightly that her knuckles had gone white. "If Aran has betrayed you, then we are both betrayed. I have said no word to him of you, the Order, or of forkroot."

 

[Sirayn]

In all their long and colourful acquaintance she had never seen Aramina wear such pain. To see the tears trapped in dark lashes like diamonds, the heat in her brilliant eyes was to know it as truth. No performer had ever feigned it as convincingly as the Aes Sedai before her did in that moment. Too vivid, the image burned itself into her memory even as Sirayn looked away discomfited by the outward show of sentiment; she didn’t want to see other people’s displays of feeling and especially not from Aramina. Let the woman remain an island of Aes Sedai standards in a sea of indiscretion and unseemly behaviour.

 

Not the only reason why she turned her gaze away. Contrary to popular opinion she did not leap to conclusions, she reasoned logically before reaching a decision she relied on like iron, and she did not care to have her carefully ordered beliefs upset at all; better to ignore such signs than to entertain the possibility she might have been wrong … even where that possibility would remove the taint of treachery from someone she had counted as very close to her. After all, if she could be wrong once, she might have been wrong before and that didn’t even bear thinking about. No, she had considered all the information at length, and she would not go back on her deductions now. Aramina had betrayed her. Case closed.

 

Damn it, she didn’t even know how Aramina did this, how her performance could be so beautifully modulated and each word so perfectly pitched even when the First Oath was supposed to stop her lying like that. It was a lie; she didn’t want to hear anything else. She had poured too much time and care into Aramina, wanting to possess her, to change her, the same dark jealous urge she had had to put aside on many an occasion and every moment of it had been wasted when Aramina turned on her. “That’s not true.” Harshly spoken. It wasn’t true, she wouldn’t let it be. “Nobody else talks to Aran. Nobody. He-”

 

He had made her touch his hand. It was an offence so deep she couldn’t explain it, could never hope to find her way through all the layers of fear and shame just by talking, and the fact that she could never admit how much it distressed her capped off the whole episode. She had got herself so far tangled in the past that she didn’t think she would ever see sunlight again -- something Aramina would understand, or might have understood if she hadn’t been a traitor, and maybe it was safer that way. “I don’t understand why you did it.” Her voice cracked on the words. “What did you tell him? Why? I gave you my hand. I raised you above your peers. I taught you everything I knew, I sent you out into the world, when you returned I honoured you. I -- you didn’t have to do this, I would have let you go if you’d asked, if-" she was just making an idiot of herself again, damn it, how was Aramina so much better at this?

 

If she concentrated hard enough she could smooth out her face, her voice, a hundred subtler signs. Aes Sedai were supposed to be calm at all times. “It was unnecessary.” She ended on a hard note.

 

Sirayn Damodred

Retro Head of the Green Ajah

[TaeaDawn]

"Unnecessary?" Aramina asked, her voice steadying as she took a deep breath. Control. She needed control. Facade and focus. Light, focus! Her emotions did her no good, they never had. Burn that man for doing this to her! He had betrayed her in the worst possible way. She could take that he had worked his way into her bed and into her heart. She could understand and could even applaud the effort it had taken. It explained far better his seemlingly never ending patience towards her. If he had been after power, or her influence, she would have counted heself a fool and learned her lesson well. But he had come to destroy the one thing that was sacred to her. The Tower above all else must be strong and Sirayn Sedai WAS the Tower in Aramina's eyes. And Aran had dound a way to come between them. Burn him for a fool and burn her twice for letting him get away with it!

 

She had always known the black edge of being Sirayn's sword. She had asked it of her once. Judge me strong enough to be your sword. And now when the metal was bared, she was found wanting for no reason other than a tricky bedmate who had found a way to destroy her. She wanted to sick up. This couldn't be happening. This WOULDN'T happen! She had stepped aside to Sirayn's judgement before, but in this she would not allow error. She hadn't spoke to Aran.

 

A deep breath stilled her movement but her voice lacked the control that she kept willing herself. The pain was raw and in the forefront for Sirayn to hear. "I have not betrayed you. I would not betray you. Tell me to make him disappear Sirayn, and I will." It would take a piece of her away, forever she knew to do something to this man but he had chosen his path and she had always know hers. There were some pieces of her that would never come back and she had learned to live just fine without them. The loss of Aran would take the part of her that still had hope of happiness at the end of the hard day. The loss of Sirayn was loss of self completely and there was no question which of the two she must chose.

 

"I was not the only one to be on that mission and though you think I have betrayed you to Aran I did not. Which means that one of the others must have. Aran is Cairheinin and though he scoffs at the Game, he plays it with ease when need comes. He has a darker past than you know Sirayn, and one I am sworn not to reveal," she added, knowing full well Sirayn would demand it over her. She had no desire to choke on words she could not say. "but it is in his abilities to do many things an honorable Tower Guard would not do."

 

She was afraid to say anything else about Aran. Light but it hurt to think about him. He had shown her a past, had shown her a piece of himself that had touched her and that still held her. She had pushed aside jealousy and her own fears because he had given her those things. Was it real though? Looking into his eyes that night she had believed him. Now, she wasn't so certain. If he could betray her like this, what was there to say about his feelings for her? What you can give? Those words he had said at a time when they had been comforting, a promise that he understood the demands of the Tower and asked for nothing more. Now, they seemed empty words because he had promised nothing in return.

 

"He must have gotten to one of the others. Who else could have known about the forkroot?" She asked, trying to look for something, anything, that would get Sirayn thinking in the right direction. It wasn't just her relationship with Sirayn that was in jeopardy she realized with a sudden fury. If she hadn't betrayed Sirayn someone else had, someone in their trusted circle and she needed Sirayn to look away from her and at those others to figure it out.

 

"I will hang on your noose if must be Sirayn," Aramina said, her voice firm once more that she had a course of action in hand. "But see this through with me. If I am guilty there is nothing to be gained by this. But if I speak true, then one of our Sister's has betrayed you and we must know who. It was only the four of us on that trip, Lavinya, Serena, Estel, and myself. Serena and Estel had their Warders. Would any of them have betrayed you for any reason? Would any of them have dropped hints of something dark enough for a dark mind to catch?"

 

Her own mind was ticking people off in her head. She couldn't believe it of Lavinya. She rather liked the Gray sister and had found a strong mind and will behind that pretty face. Orion was impossible for her to think of as a betrayer. Her former mentor who had worked the swords with her so long ago, who had set meetings in motion that had turned her life in so many different directions. Through Orion she had met Alric and in Alric she had truely befriended Michael. Her lost Michael. Light, how the name still gripped her heart in a near paralyzing vice. She had forbade that name from her lips years before to keep the pain from overwhelming her.

 

Whoever said time heals all wounds was a liar. If he lived as long as an Aes Sedai he would understand that pain doesn't die, only people do. She pushed the thought aside. Facade and Focus! She had to focus! She got up from her seat and began pacing the length of the flower table, for once not notcing the bring colors or the beautiful scent. "Who would have wanted to turn on you? Aran could have made the opportunity if he had noticed, but he would have had to know who. Who would he have found? And how?"

 

[Sirayn]

I have not betrayed you. I would not betray you.

 

Certainty had always been her armour. It took a subtle symmetry between faith in one’s own judgement and judgement that was worth faith to be Aes Sedai: two contradictory, fragile skills, a balance that could tip into arrogance or insecurity at any moment, poised on the fulcrum of an iron sense of self. If she hadn’t known in her bones that this woman had betrayed her, Aramina whom she had raised with her own hands, Aramina who understood her better than she had any right to, she would never have found the determination necessary to face her down. She had already made up her mind and the damage was done. Backing down now served nobody’s purpose.

 

So what came next represented the last words she wanted to hear in possibly the last tone she ever wanted Aramina sur Dulciena to use around her. It was sheer idiocy how hearing that much pain made her waver in ways no amount of reason would ever achieved. If she’d ever needed it confirmed that she cared secretly but intensely for this strange composed woman she only needed to feel the wrench of that voice. Briefly she remembered other, similar moments of recognition and the times she’d so clumsily sought and failed to secure the same affection in return … and damn it, she didn’t need that interference, she’d walked away from sentiment a long time ago.

 

Logic and courage were an Aes Sedai’s only friends. Logic to recognise and isolate what needed to be done: she had uncovered a traitor, just the one but damning enough for all that, and therefore she had to cut that person out of the loop and move on to controlling the damage. Courage to go through with it. Only when she looked at Aramina amid her flowers, a tiny scene of colour and beauty she had never been permitted to see … she didn’t want to. Didn’t want to face the inevitable. Didn’t want to do what had to be done.

 

“I,” she began, and ran out of words; couldn’t frame her thoughts in the right way; distracted by light and flowers and pretty women and too much pain, words locked tight in her throat. Eventually she managed, “Don’t -- don’t do that. Don’t lie. I already know, you can’t possibly make it any worse, you don’t have to try to -- fool me, why can’t you just-“ her voice slid into harshness as she sought to hide any waver and finally, stupidly upset, she turned away: hiding whatever a skilled politicker might read into her expression: stopped defending her decision blindly, let her determination crack.

 

Had she been wrong? After all her calculation, her careful assessment of who had been in a position to betray her, applying reason even where she hated the answers it gave her … could it be that her safe, cold, logical conclusion had been wrong? Light only knew she’d never wanted to think that Aramina of all people had turned on her but she’d seen too much betrayal to believe that anybody valued fidelity like she did. Maybe in a way she’d been expecting this all along. She hadn’t deserved loyalty, why would somebody like Aramina have such faith in her, how could that be true? It was inevitable that Aramina would turn on her. Better now than later. At some point she would lose this woman for good and it might as well be under the taint of treachery than to have to grieve her properly.

 

If she had been wrong … she let herself hold that fragile thought for a moment … maybe she didn’t have to lose Aramina just yet. Aramina looked up to her as she had never earned; Aramina meant the slow, careful beginnings of trust; Aramina meant trying to learn how to be a friend again. She hadn’t wanted to lose that either though it was also inescapable. Maybe she didn’t have to. She didn’t even know how to frame these thoughts: would an ordinary person reach out, would they apologise, what would they say? She wanted to touch, to hold tight … didn’t quite dare.

 

“Right. Right, I see.” It took some effort to make herself impassive, her voice clear and toneless, to match the other woman’s composure but she got there in the end. She had been wrong. She had actually been wrong. So much relief, stupid amounts of relief and she didn’t even know what to do with it other than to think mine and stop the word on her tongue. “Let us not be -- precipitous. I think enough precipitating has been done today.” Not a single shake in her voice. Aes Sedai calm was a marvellous thing. She had been wrong!

 

“If -- since it wasn’t you,” she made herself say it, deliberately, committing herself to a brighter interpretation by far, “then -- yes, one of the other three.” Personally she made no distinction between the act of an Aes Sedai and the act of their Warder; Gaidin were an extension of an Aes Sedai’s sword arm, if they had betrayed her, then so had their Aes Sedai. “Serena’s Dragonsworn in Cairhien.” Besides, she couldn’t even frame in her imagination that Serena Morrigan would ever betray her. There was something artless and sincere about Serena that no other Aes Sedai had, something about the way the woman lit up like a lantern whenever they were together, the affection Serena was not ashamed to show. “As for Lavinya … well.”

 

Complicated was a light word to describe her relationship with Lavinya Morganen. She hadn’t always liked Lavinya, in fact she wasn’t certain that she liked the other woman even now, though acquaintance had shown her the better qualities that Lavinya preferred to keep hidden -- her intelligence and ambition, the cool head in a crisis, the strength. Why under the Light the woman behaved like such a lightskirt when she could be a major player on the political scene Sirayn had no idea, she couldn’t even conceive of making the same choice herself, but she supposed it made some logic to Lavinya somewhere.

 

Would the other woman betray her if she could? Unlike at least one other, she had entered the Order willingly, believing that it would gain her success and standing. And it would: Sirayn intended to make certain of that: she made good on her promises. It made no sense to go back on that once she was already ensnared. Could it possibly be something to do with … no, she didn’t want to think for a moment that Corin bloody Danveer had sparked this off, she had enough trouble with the boy already without him causing her own agents to turn on her. No, it just didn’t make sense that Lavinya would turn on her.

 

That left only one option. Somebody who reminded Sirayn sharply and rather unpleasantly of herself; a difficult, insolent young woman with a troubled private life and a penchant for making things worse for herself; a girl to whom she had extended her hand but so far had only slapped it away. She didn’t want to believe it of Estel Liones partly because it was so easy. It seemed a cheap shot to blame everything on the charmless, incompetent one and she knew only too well herself what life was like at the bottom of the ladder. Partly as well, when she thought of the time and effort she had put into the bloody girl … all her effort to keep that shameful pregnancy covered up, to control the damage from those drawings, to position little Rossa where the two could help one another … why would Estel throw all that away? Destroy everything they’d been working to achieve?

 

“Estel.” For the second time in as many hours she reached the final conclusion that somebody she had seen promise in, whom she had taken under her wing, had betrayed her for no purpose that she could see. Had it been money perhaps? Not some kind of political advantage, the child had no interest in actual work as far as she could see. Something to do with her Talcontar boy? No way of knowing. It was all so bloody stupid and destructive. All her hard work and effort ruined! Her trust broken, their future damaged, and all because somebody who owed her continued political survival to other people’s effort had decided to bite the hand that fed her. “I suppose we’d better talk to her.” Slow talk. Painful talk. Talk like revenge.

 

Sirayn Damodred

Retro Head of the Green Ajah

[TaeaDawn]

“Don’t -- don’t do that. Don’t lie. I already know, you can’t possibly make it any worse, you don’t have to try to -- fool me, why can’t you just-“

 

The tone of the words made Aramina turn away from her thoughts and look to Sirayn. Light, she wanted to reach out for the woman, to force her to turn around and make her see sense. She would never, could never, betray Sirayn. She would rather die herself than have the other woman even think her a betrayer. She had lived most of her life working with Sirayn towards the same goals. The idea of turning on her made her want to sick up. The thought that one of their companions had made her want to do darker things.

 

Sirayn was turned away though and she dare not reach out just now. Aramina didn't think clearly when touch was involved, she knew that now, understood how much it muffled her brain and hid the truth from her. Aran had taught her that lesson all too well. She felt tears rising again and pushed them down. Not for Aran! She would not cry for him!

 

“Right. Right, I see." The words came almost reluctantly, but Aramina took a deep breath, hoping against everything that she knew, that Sirayn would see things her way.

 

"Let us not be -- precipitous. I think enough precipitating has been done today. If -- since it wasn’t you, then -- yes, one of the other three.”

 

Her hands came up to her stomach as she tried to calm herself. If... if turned to since. Since! It was a stupid thing to be so happy about, but the single word had turned things around for her. Sirayn was going to trust her and help her find the true betrayer! Creator be blessed, but Sirayn wasn't going to throw away their association because of a stupid man that she had let into her bed. She wanted to dance in cirlces, or jump, or even just laugh until it hurt, but she was not that person and now was not the time. Sirayn trusted her for a moment, but they had a traitor in their midsts and they needed to find out who.

 

Sirayn began speaking again and Aramina listened in at her assessment of her fellows. She had hoped that the last name on her lips wasn't the traitor, but in the end there seemed no other. Aramina agreed with the assessment of events and only hoped that Orion wasn't going to pay an even greater price for his Aes Sedai's uncouth behaviors.

 

"Estel. I suppose we’d better talk to her.”

 

Aramina nodded. "Yes. If she spoke to Ar.." She stopped, not wanting to say the man's name. He had caused enough trouble for her without bringing up the name again. "..anyone about the forkroot, there is no knowing what else she might have spoken of." She said with a quiet voice.

 

Aramina sur Dulciena