Turning of the Wheel

[Leala Sedai]

Leala let herself out of the office of Valeri Sedai. She closed the door behind her and leaned on it with her back flat against the door and her palms resting against it as well. Her mind was racing with all sorts of thoughts that would need organization and more processing later. For now, she needed to walk to her room with the poise that she had perfected in her days at the Tower. She pushed the door with her palms and propelled herself toward the Accepteds' Quarters. If she kept her eyes straight forward, she knew that she would have less of a chance to encounter someone who would want to speak with her. If the Accepted spoke with someone, she would be more likely to let her emotions spill out. Luckily, it was almost curfew. Everyone had eaten dinner, and the only people scurrying about were Novices and a few other Accepted. She felt that her own pace was much slower. She knew that her mind certainly was. All her thoughts of the meeting that she had just had were pushed back so far in her mind that she was now thinking of lesson plans and tasks that had been set before her for the next day. Valeri Sedai said that she would be given two free days, but she needed to keep her mind going as she strode through the halls of the Tower. How long had she thought of this place as her home? How long had it been since she had seen her family? No, too close. Too close, she thought to herself as she rounded in on the Accepted Gallery before entering the Accepteds' Quarters, finally. "Leala!" Feydai, another Accepted called out. Leala turned her gaze to her colleague whose bright smile faded when she saw her gray eyes. "Is something the matter?"

 

The Andoran Accepted turned her gaze away and shook her head simply before walking by. She offered a wave of greeting in acknowledgement of the other girl's hailing and her concern. Finally reaching her room, she opened the door. Before she stepped in, Feydai called back, "If you need anything, just let me know, Leala." The other girl simply nodded before disappearing into her room. As she had done at Valeri Sedai's office door, she leaned against her own. She scanned the sparse room, letting the previous scene flood back into her mind.

 

She had come to the office of the Mistress of Novices a little hesitantly. The Aes Sedai had told her to come to the office after she had finished her supper, that she had something important to discuss with her. At first, Leala was nervous about what this would be. She knew that she had not done anything to incur a penance, and she knew that it was far too early to be called for the testing for the shawl. She came to the office obediently, however. As she sat in front of the Mistress of Novices, she waited patiently. The other woman folding her hands in front of her and almost seem to ready herself for the news, which made the Accepted even more nervous, but she didn't let it show. The news that her father had died of a progressed fever a few weeks before struck Leala unawares. She had jerked back and tears threatened to surface from her eyes. The Mistress of Novices explained that he wished Leala to have a sapphire and diamond necklace that his mother could not give to her own daughter because her grandmother had never given birth to any daughters. This necklace, like her other things, would wait for her until after she gained the shawl, of course. She explained that Leala would also be given two days of rest as a chance for her to grieve for her father. The Aes Sedai's words had allowed Leala to keep her tears from flowing, and she had somehow managed to keep them back...until now.

 

For the first time in what seemed like all of her memories, Leala wept. She sobbed, thinking it strange the sounds coming from the bottom of her throat. She had not been able to say goodbye to her own father. She had not seen him in well over a decade. She had seen him in her testing for the ring and dress of an Accepted, and even then he did his best to protect her...but she knew it wasn't really him. She covered her face with her hands and felt the moisture of her tears and ragged breath on her hands. She could not reach for Saidar in this state to even light her lantern. She slid down the door and settled on her knees on the floor, now too weak to stand. She let the tears flow and noticed that her lungs were tugging and struggling for air. But she was far too into her emotions to stop and catch her breath. Her hands dropped from her face and wrapped themselves around her waist as her shoulders shook with every sob and shudder of what her sorrow brought.

 

Slowly, slowly, her sobs slowed enough that she could catch her breath. With her hands on the floor and her long curling locks cascading to the floor from her head hanging down, she breathed in slowly until her sobs had stopped long enough that she could stand again. Her legs now shaking as the rest of her, she slowly rose from the floor. She knew that she looked very undignified without even looking into the mirror. Her hands reached for her bed as she tottered towards it. Finding her dingy sheets, she grabbed them and held them to her face, turning until she sat on the bed. Clinging to the sheets, she leaned against the wall and looked toward the ceiling. She knew it would be too late to offer it, but she gave a prayer to the Light for her father's soul and offered one to her family as well. Her father was a good man and her family would be sad to lose him as well. The sobs came again, faster than before, when she realized that she had missed his funeral. The last goodbye had been denied. She knew this would be her life as an Aes Sedai as well, and she was willing to accept it, but her father was the one member of her family that she truly felt understood her and wished to support her in whatever she did. He was the one person who saw her true potential. Her mother saw potential only in Tobias. And Tobias only saw potential in her as a tool for his own standing in the Court. And sweet Eliara followed her mother blindly, without knowing just how cold she was being to her sister.

 

Taking in a deep breath, she let it out and her chin quivered from more sobs. The tears slowed and so the racking sobs and when they did, Leala slowly settled into her bed. Parts of her hair were matted with tears, and her face was tired. Her hands were still shaking despite not moving. Since she lay on her side, her breathing was coming easier. She hadn't bothered to change into her night clothes, and her belt was still around her waist. Her feet hung out of the sheets, her slippers too sturdy for them. She could see the bottom of her skirt peeking out with the seven bands of the Ajahs, and she knew that her father would be proud of her. With one more breath, she kicked the slippers off and let them thud to the floor and tucked her feet under the blankets. Her nose was filled with mucus, as if she had a cold, but she knew it was from the tears she had shed. Breathing through her mouth, she closed her eyes and searched for sleep to ease her troubled mind.

 

The First Bell woke her, as usual. How long had it been since she had slept through the night? Blinking her sleepy eyes open, she felt tugging on the skin around her eyelids and the night before came back to her. She wiped one hand over her dried tears and sat up, pulling the covers away. She was still wearing her dress and her slippers were still on the floor where they had tumbled the night before. Lifting her hand, she removed the white cord from her head and walked to her small mirror. Before she even looked into it, however, she dipped one of her towels in the basin of water. It was still from the day before, but she needed to wash her face before she replaced it. She wiped her face of any tiredness or dried tears and looked in the mirror after the towel was removed. She saw her face dripping with water, even her eyelashes clumped together with the water. Her face muscles seemed tired and her expression was still wrought with emotion. She had needed this reminder that she was still human.