Just for Grins

[Vambram]

This one is just a bit dated, but I still think its pretty dang funny.

 

 

Dr. Seuss Explains Computers

 

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,

and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,

and the address of the memory makes your floppy disc abort,

then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

 

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,

and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,

and your data is corrupted 'cause the index does not flash,

then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

 

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,

says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,

but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,

that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

 

and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,

so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,

then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,

'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the suckers gonna hang.

 

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disc,

and the micro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,

then you have to flash your memory, and you'll want to RAM your ROM...

Quickly turn off your computer and go and tell your Mom.

[danneric]

Thought i would join in lol...

 

Long But Silent

 

A guy is sitting all alone at a bar, the bartender looks at him and laughs. The man shrugs it off...

 

The bartender looks at him and laughs again, the bartender finally went over to the man and said "I'm sorry but you have to be the ugliest man that I have ever seen."

 

The man replied by saying I don’t think so. I can get any lady that I want.

 

The bartender looks around and sees a hot big titted blond sitting at the table with her huge boyfriend, and tells the ugly man that he bet $50 that he couldn’t get the woman to even talk to him.

 

The ugly man agrees and says "I'll bet another $50 that I can walk straight out the door with her.

 

The bartender accepted.

 

The ugly man walked over the girl jumped into his arms and they walked out the door.

 

The bartender went over to the boyfriend and said, "Damn that sucks but what happened?"

 

The man replied with "I don’t know. He just stood there lickin his eyebrows."

[danneric]

Maine

 

Jeff Foxworthy on Maine:

 

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Maine.

 

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Moosehead Lake is the coldest spot in the nation,you might live in Maine.

 

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you might live in Maine.

 

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you might live in Maine .

 

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Maine .

 

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Maine.

 

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Maine .

 

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Maine .

 

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Maine.

 

 

You know you are a true Mainer when:

1. "Vacation" means going South past Augusta for the weekend.

 

2. You measure distance in hours.

 

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

 

4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.

 

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

 

6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).

 

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

 

8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend / wife knows how to use them.

 

9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

 

10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

 

11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

 

12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.

 

13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

 

14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

 

15. Down South to you means Augusta.

 

16. A brat is something you eat.

 

17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new shed.

 

18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.

 

19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

 

20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

 

21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."

 

22. You actually understand these jokes, and you tell them to all your Maine friends.

 

its funny that you would post this Vam because, in truth i am from maine. I have lived there since my birth to the age of 13.

[Vambram]

Thats cool, Deadlyfriend. I'm curious... how many of Jeff Foxworthy's descriptions about Maine and the people of Maine have a ring of truth?

[Vambram]

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the small animals. The big animals were crushing small animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

 

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

 

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly,

 

"Who stopped the elephant?"

 

"I did," said the centipede.

 

"Who stopped the rhino?"

 

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

 

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

 

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

 

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

 

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped '.

[Vambram]

My Dear Sirs;

 

In reply to your request to send a check, I wish to inform you that the present condition of my bank account makes it almost impossible. My shattered financial condition is due to federal laws, state laws, county laws, city laws, corporation laws, liquor laws, mother-in-laws, brother-in-laws, sister-in-laws, outlaws, and blue laws.

 

Through these laws I am compelled to pay a business tax, amusement tax, head tax, school tax, gas tax, light tax, sales tax, liquor tax, carpet tax, income tax, food tax, furniture tax, and excise tax, even my brains are taxed.

 

I am required to get a business license, car license, hunting and fishing license, truck license, not to mention a marriage license, and a dog license.

 

I am also required to contribute to every society and organization which the genius of man is capable to bringing to life. To the women’s relief, unemployed relief, and gold diggers relief; also to every hospital and charitable institution in the city including the black cross, the blue cross, the purple cross, and the double cross.

 

For my own safety I am required to carry a life insurance, property insurance, liability insurance, burglar insurance, accident insurance, business insurance, earthquake insurance, tornado insurance, unemployment insurance, old age and fire insurance.

 

My business is so governed that it is no easy matter for me to find out who owns it. I am inspected, suspected, disrespected, rejected, dejected, examined, informed, required, summoned, commanded, and compelled, until I’ve provided an in-exhaustible supply of money for every known need of the human race.

 

Simply because I refuse to donate to something-or other I am boycotted, talked about, lied about, held up, held down, and robbed until I am almost ruined. I can tell you honestly that except for the miracle that happened I could not enclose this check. The wolf that comes to many doors these days just had pups in my kitchen. I sold them and … here is your money!

[Vambram]

My Living Will

 

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,

 

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machines and fluids in a bottle.

 

If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

 

 

They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw away the wine!!!

 

 

the little ba****ds

[danneric]

Well my sister wore Camo Crocks to her wedding does that give enough proof? lol

and i belive the blizzard one is correct to, so is the distance in hours.

[Kathleen]

Ok, this is a true story, and even though it is based in names the names have been changed..it will still work out though :P. It was when I a lot younger, my dad had a car that he wanted to give to his brother, but they were having some trouble with getting the title and stuff switched over. My dad went in about 3 or 4 times with no help. Finally his last straw was to right a letter to someone. He called them every name under the sun (mostly talking about how they are too stupid to understand a simple concept.) He explained that he had tried to give his brother his car, but no one was believing they were related and they wouldn't do it. After all the name calling was done the final paragraph read:

 

"My name is Father Al'Corma, my brother's name is Brother McSmith, and if you don't believe we're brothers you can ask our mother Mother Von Lastname. I am giving my car to him, whether you let us do it legally or not."

 

This was back in the day when blended family's were not common, and my dad, his brother and their mother all had different last names. I thought it was funny.

[Vambram]

Well my sister wore Camo Crocks to her wedding does that give enough proof? lol

and i belive the blizzard one is correct to, so is the distance in hours.

 

 

:biggrin:

[Vambram]

Ok, this is a true story, and even though it is based in names the names have been changed..it will still work out though :P. It was when I a lot younger, my dad had a car that he wanted to give to his brother, but they were having some trouble with getting the title and stuff switched over. My dad went in about 3 or 4 times with no help. Finally his last straw was to right a letter to someone. He called them every name under the sun (mostly talking about how they are too stupid to understand a simple concept.) He explained that he had tried to give his brother his car, but no one was believing they were related and they wouldn't do it. After all the name calling was done the final paragraph read:

 

"My name is Father Al'Corma, my brother's name is Brother McSmith, and if you don't believe we're brothers you can ask our mother Mother Von Lastname. I am giving my car to him, whether you let us do it legally or not."

 

This was back in the day when blended family's were not common, and my dad, his brother and their mother all had different last names. I thought it was funny.

 

 

*chuckles with a grin* I feel sorry for those workers trying to figure that one out.

[Vambram]

The kindergarten teacher was helping one of her students put on his boots. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. By the time the second boot was on she had worked up quite a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were.

 

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

 

Then the student announced, "These aren't my boots."

 

She wanted to get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" but she bit her tongue.

 

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. That's when the kid said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

 

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now ... where are your mittens?"

 

"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots."

 

Her trial starts Tuesday.

 

[Alaksuleiel]

I lost the bar trivia contest last night by one point. The last question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer is, Fiji.

[Samuraiflip05]

[danneric]

Signs That You are Too Drunk

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

 

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

 

Your job is interfering with your drinking.

 

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.

 

Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

 

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

 

You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.

 

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!

 

Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

 

You can focus better with one eye closed.

 

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

 

You fall off the floor..

 

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

 

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

 

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

 

At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'

 

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

 

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

 

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..

 

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men].

 

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

 

Roseanne looks good.

 

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

 

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

 

I'm as sober as a judge.

 

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

 

You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.

[Samuraiflip05]

Nothing filthy.....just suggestive.....but may not be PG-13.

 

 

 

 

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags.

 

"Where do you think you are going?" He asks.

 

The wife replies, "I just found out I can get $300 for what I give you for free."

 

The husband quickly began packing his own bag.

 

"What are you doing?" the wife asks.

 

"I wanna see how you are gonna live on $600 dollars a year."

 

 

[Vambram]

http://1funny.com/to...ols-day-pranks/

[Vambram]

1stPerson: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"

 

2nd Person:"A little. Whats wrong?"

 

1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."

 

2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"

 

1st Person: "Its a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it."

[Vambram]

A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.

 

Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:

 

"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."

 

The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

[Kathleen]

Ok, my cousin has a whack of these on her facebook page, but I;m just copying the ones that made me smile.

 

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely, Unicorns

 

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely, The Titanic

 

Dear Boyfriend,

I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.

Sincerely, Spiders

 

Dear girls who have been dumped,

There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.

Sincerely, BP

 

Dear Mary,

Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.

Sincerely, Joseph

 

Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

Sincerely, 1985

 

Dear Justin Bieber,

Ariel would really love her voice back.

Sincerely, King Triton

 

Dear Rose,

There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.

Sincerely, Jack

 

Dear Taylor Swift,

If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.

Sincerely, Shakespeare

 

Dear Rubik's Cube,

Done!

Sincerely, Colorblind

 

Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,

I. Can't. Breathe.

Sincerely, Your Balls

 

Dear Sleeping Beauty,

I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man.

All you had to do was wake up.

Sincerely, Mulan

 

Dear Romeo,

My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...

Sincerely, Juliet

 

Dear Fox News,

So far, no news about foxes.

Sincerely, Unimpressed

 

Dear Toaster,

Just gonna stand th ere and watch me burn?

Sincerely, Toast

 

Dear Prince Charming,

You've got some explaining to do!

Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty

[Lord of 13]

@Kathleen: Your cuz is a copypasta machine: see dearblankpleaseblank.com.

[ed2funy]

Dear Toaster,

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?

Sincerely, Toast

 

LMAO.

[Vambram]

This is rumored to be the actual dialog between a former Word Perfect Customer Service Support employee and a customer.

 

“Ridge Hall computer assistance. May I help you?”

 

“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

 

“What sort of trouble?”

 

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

 

“Went away?”

 

“They disappeared.”

 

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Nothing?”

 

“It’s blank. It won’t accept anything when I type.”

 

“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”

 

“How do I tell?”

 

“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”

 

“What’s a sea-prompt?”

 

“Never mind. Can you move your cursor around the screen?”

 

“There isn’t any cursor. I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

 

“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

 

“What’s a monitor?”

 

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

 

“Yes, I think so.”

 

“Great. Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

 

“Yes, it is.”

 

“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

 

“No.”

 

“Well, there are two. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

 

“I can’t reach.”

 

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

 

“No.”

 

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

 

“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle. It’s because it’s dark.”

 

“Dark?”

 

“Yes. The office light is off and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

 

“Well. Turn on the office light then.”

 

“I can’t.”

 

“No? Why not?”

 

“Because there’s been a power failure.”

 

“A power…. A power failure? Aha, okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

 

“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

 

“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store.”

 

“Really? Is it that bad?”

 

“I’m afraid it is.”

 

“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

 

“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer."

[Vambram]

[Vambram]

Grocery Shopping

 

A new supermarket opened near my house and it has an automatic water mister that keeps the produce fresh. Just before it turns on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh hay.

In the meat department, there's an aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

For the record, I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.