Jokes

[Azrael]

Medical Examinations

 

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.

 

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX .

 

 

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

"Big breaths," I instructed.

"Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

 

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

 

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal

fart."

 

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg , Manitoba , Canada

 

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked.

"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

 

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before

applying a new one.

 

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

 

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years -

when my husband was alive."

 

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

 

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

 

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

 

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."

 

Once the surgery was completed, the

surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

 

Submitted by RN no name

 

AND FINALLY!!!................

 

 

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

 

Dr. wouldn't submit his name.

[Roka]

I like the mawing one *nod nod*

[Azrael]

http://www.stupidity.org/video/709

 

And this is why I married a Brunette.

 

And for those who like Military humour:

 

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

 

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

 

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

 

Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[Canukistani]

HEHEHEHEHEHEHE

[Azrael]

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

 

There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on.

 

She says, "Excuse me, Sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

 

He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.

 

She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

 

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it cost $20.00."

 

She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

 

He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there

is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

 

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

 

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

 

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. And thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."

[bratr]

hhahahahaahaha

 

they are all good

[Azrael]

Here's a video from one of my favorite joke sites:

 

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/2006/08/caught-stripping.html

[Azrael]

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!" "Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

 

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

 

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"No... it's because you're 25."

[Guest TheDemigod]

*applaud*

[Zaire Sharimaei]

ha all of those were good. and the two videos were friggen hilarious..why would the mom just start dancing with her daughter though? lmfao

[Roka]

got caught in the moment, why is that so hard to get :P:P:P

[Guest TheDemigod]

weird :P

[Azrael]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

 

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.

 

"Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

 

And of course, something odd from Japan:

 

http://ebaumsworld.com/2006/08/japanesenutshot.html

 

I think the fact that only one guy thinks this is a bad idea says a lot about their willingness to do painful and stupid things for a laugh.

[Roxinos]

NO EBAUMSWORLD.

 

www.ebaumsworldsucks.com

[Guest TheDemigod]

*laugh*

[Azrael]

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

 

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

 

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League,honey. We share lanes with them."

 

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says,"Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

 

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries

desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

 

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

[Guest TheDemigod]

*loves you*