Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

[AddiBeth]

"Some people believe that without history, our lives amount to nothing. At some point we all have to choose: do we fall back on what we know, or do we step forward to something new? It's hard not to be haunted by our past. Our history is what shapes us... what guides us. Our history resurfaces time after time after time."

-Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy “Time After Time”

 

Everything was ready.

 

Bags were stuffed with dresses, books, and the few other possessions she had accumulated at the Academy.  An acolyte had come to replace the sheets on the bed and everything that had made the rooms “hers” for the last month was gone.  She had thrown herself into her practice sessions in the gardens with a fervour not seen since the days she’d spent learning saidar as an initiate.  Looking in the mirror, there was finally some meat on her bones again, no longer had trouble keeping her meals down; she was in the best shape since Kandor.  Physically, everything was ready.

 

Estel was not.

 

She sat at the desk that was no longer hers, hair neatly brushed and dress immaculate in preparation for her return to the White Tower.  Still as a statue she stared, steeling herself; face blank for once, not betraying the troubled waters beneath.  A bottle of brandy sat on the desk unopened.  Her concentration upon it would have made the Mistress of Novices proud that unfortunate first day in Tar Valon.  Against her minimal better judgement and a screaming voice in her head sounding frighteningly like Maegan, Estel had bought the bottle while shopping in the city yesterday.  The poor shopkeeper had been sceptical of the woman standing, staring at a bottle of his best brandy.

 

“Would you like another vintage, mistress?”

 

“What?”  The hood of her dust cloak had slipped while snapping around to face the man, and had revealed her identity.  She’d been trying to keep a low profile.

 

“I apologise Aes Sedai.”  People grovelling before her ageless face always made her uncomfortable, that day she had tried not to show it.  The sessions with Maegan were doing her a load of good.  “Would you like another vintage, Aes Sedai?”

 

“Oh, no.”

 

The poor man had seemed confused but added the bottle to her collection of odds and ends on his counter.  Estel had opened her mouth to refuse the bottle but closed it – the shopkeeper was already confused and she was trying to keep up appearances, fighting over trivialities in public was a step backwards.  Besides, she could give it to Maegan as a token of gratitude.

 

Instead she was staring at the bottle now sitting on the desk.

 

Considering her history in the White Tower, who could blame her for wanting to take the edge off?  She was returning on the heels of a failed mission and the snapping of her Bond to an Asha’man following torture, the loss of her political “mentor”, a public psychotic break and suicide attempt, her Warder’s death, another breakdown, and finally being kidnapped by Maegan apparently against the Amyrlin’s wishes.  These were just events of the past two months.  The rest of her “career” was barely less tragic.  Estel might be able to convince herself it took a will of steel to face her past in the Tower, that she deserved the brandy for a little more liquid courage.

 

Excuses.

 

A month ago she’d hidden in her room for a week: pathetic, drunk, starving herself.  Serena and Telcia had walked into her room, witnessed Estel balled up in a mess of untouched food, empty bottles, and her own vomit.  One would think watching her son destroy himself with booze was incentive enough to kick her habit but she’d told herself it wasn’t hampering her ability to function.  Days before going back into the Arches she’d promised never to touch the stuff again.

 

But she was weak and pathetic.  There had been a bottle of brandy with her at all times since in whites.  Addiction was part of her.  Like Maegan has said: “We are who we are and that is all we can ever hope to be or to ever achieve.”

 

Estel went in search of her corkscrew.

[Arie]

Piles of paper there were once precariously stacked all over the solid oak desk were now neatly ordered and put away in the cabinet along the far wall, along with various objects that required safe keeping or away from prying eyes. They were well and safe in this room that had become but a second home to the Red -perhaps even a first- but even after all these years Maegan Ryanne could not shake the paranoia; knowing any Aes Sedai with the knowledge of the Shadow could waltz through those doors, or men with their power of Saidin. She shuttered at the thought, thoughts all too real to her.

 

Yet, the red felt safer sleeping in these corridors than walking in daylight through the hallways of the White Tower. Here there were wardings to aid her, the Tower? The shadow lurked in the guise of friends, sisters and allies. Oh, the Shadow struck fear into her, it laughed at her for its knowledge that she feared it, but she was not about to go down without a fight. No, it was not the Shadows that could creep into here that scared her, nor the shadows that smiled at her behind the mask of friends that kept her hesitating from returning to the Tower. It was Annais. The woman Maegan loved as a sister, the woman she betrayed to fulfill an end, a woman she had wounded for the sake of what everyone else wrote off as a lost cause, a woman names Amyrlin that she, the Highest, blackmailed to get her way. Maegan had much to fear. The shadow was no match to the scorn of a friend.

 

Snapping shut the last satchel of her saddlebag, Maegan glanced around the room and nodded with approval. Items were well warded and unless her death would keep even the most skilled at bay and confused. For all that could go wrong, all was safe and there was nothing left that -outside her usual experiments- required her immediate attention. It was now time to fetch the Blue Sister and return home. Question was, was Estel ready to return?

 

Only one way to find out.

 

Collecting the second satchel, Maegan exited her office in the Academy and closed the door behind her. Setting weaves over old weaves and new weaves, keeping her room free of any that may accidently or purposely seek it out. She would be returning again so there was nothing in there that anyone else could possibly need. Turning, Maegan made her way through the corridors to the room where Estel would be waiting for her. Smiling goodbye to Neophytes as they passed, Scholars and Members of the Academy, Maegan found the room empty, bags ready and packed; and a bottle of wine on the desk.

 

She tried very hard not to sigh aloud, she really did, but the exhale was all that Maegan could really think of as she approached the desk and the bottle. A fine bottle at that, good year and of just the right age as well. -No, I won't think that of Estel. She has proven stronger in the past month, grander than any might have once expected. Estel is an Aes Sedai and she would...- But even Maegan knew better and no thoughts of that kind would make it any better. Throwing on of her saddlebags over her shoulder, Maegan picked up one or Estel's and started to head out the door. She left the bottle untouched on the desk. Just rounding the corner, Estel nearly walked right into her.

 

"Ready to go?" Maegan ignored the corkscrew in her hand. At least the woman thought to get a corkscrew instead of using a little saidar to remove the cork. It added flakes, but it also added time to the woman's resolve. Always a good thing, this time. "I have on of your bags, was about to go look for you. I suggest waiting until we get back before opening the bottle. Annais may have our heads and I personally would not want to be giving her a sloshy grin after the stunt we pulled." She gave the woman a mischevious grin. "Perhaps save it for a time when you no longer need it? Come, let is get this over with. As the Yellows always say, best remove the bandage at once and get over the pain then prolong it and make it worse. Or something like that." Maegan paused in half thought. "They all say the same thing differently. Anyway, ready?"

 

 

Maegan Ryanne Sedai

Highest of the Red Ajah

[AddiBeth]

"...no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes letting it go hurts even worse."

- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy "Love/Addiction"

 

The Aes Sedai’s imminent departure was no secret in the Academy and the woman in charge of the kitchens servicing the acolytes and resident scholars dared shoot Estel a sceptical glance.  Like an arrow, the woman’s eyes pierced her with self-loathing.  The past month would all be for naught if she gave up, sinking back down into the bottle – Light, was she exhausted of swimming already?  Pathetic, a failure: waves of self-loathing beat against her tired limbs.  On the distant shore the Blue Ajah stood to welcome her home, proud of their rehabilitated Sister; but the shore was too far away and she too weak to close the distance.

 

Corkscrew in hand, the social masochist set out to own her pathetic life.  A month’s work wasted.  What had made her think a month could change things a century hadn’t?  Wasn’t the definition of insanity to keep trying the same thing, expecting different results?  Carise had tried, Serena had tried, Sirayn had tried, Darienna had tried; one after another, Estel had disappointed each of them.  Why did she still fail every time when so many had put so much effort into fixing her tragic flaw?  Which of her defects lay at the root of all the others?  Why did she insist on this melodramatic need to complicate her life?  Why couldn’t she fix it?  Why couldn’t anyone fix it?

 

Now it was Maegan’s turn to try, Estel was about to fail her too.  Burn her, she hated caring so much about the Red’s pending disappointment – she hated being such a disappointment.  The voices of her frustrated mentors yelled together in her head: “Then just stop!” she replied: “I can’t.”  Above all, Estel hated herself.

 

Ever too concentrated on her own issues to notice reality around her, the Blue practically ran into the woman whose judgment she was dreading.  As religious servants of the Light, Aes Sedai tended to believe fate played a role in one’s life; so, perhaps it was no coincidence that Maegan provided a physical barrier between Estel and the craved bottle of brandy.  Not exactly a devoted prophet of the Pattern or destiny, she still wondered whether the woman’s timely arrival might be more than lucky coincidence.  Carise absent, Serena unaware of events, Sirayn always after the fact, Darienna a victim of poor timing.  Thus far, Maegan was conquering the pitfalls of every benefactor that had come before her.

 

She braced herself for a lecture and display of disappointment; the Red satisfied neither expectation.  Hell, the woman hardly mentioned the bottle at all despite Estel’s obvious intentions.  Somewhat dazed, the mystified Aes Sedai took her bags from the woman.  Instincts said to pick a fight and obtain the expected outcome; perhaps she was so accustomed to the usual tirades from her Sisters that she’d come to need them.  Perhaps her inability to leave a good thing alone was her fatal flaw.

 

Astonishing herself, Estel kept a firm hold on her temper and simply smiled sheepishly.

 

“Never ready but like you said, let’s get this over with.”

[Arie]

Hello darkness, my old friend, I've come to talk with you again,

Because a vision softly creeping, Left its seeds while I was sleeping,

And the vision that was planted in my brain still remains

Within the sound of silence

 

 

The unyielding consistency of the White Tower drew upon them with expectancy and elevation of welcome as the two women left behind their previous state of sincerity and returned to the deceitful masks that an Aes Sedai called home. Neither of the women were delighted in their return, both imaginable reasons of discord within the factions of the White Tower, yet there was still enough familiarity left in each that kept them from not returning all together. Of course there were reasons behind their return as there was to their desire of leaving, yet here they were; Maegan Ryanne and Estel Liones have returned.

 

The Red Aes Sedai adjusted her cloak carefully over her shoulders as the cream palomino carried her over the bridge into Tar Valon, the Blue barely a step behind her to allow room for others to pass. Much like the last hour within the Academy, silence settled heavily on both of them as each step brought them closer to the reality that had weighed on them both for over a hundred years. To Maegan, the ride felt worse. In truth Estels return was positive, she had accomplished much in her own personal development and held her head higher than she had seen in a very long time. The Blue was returning from a bad situation and bringing about a positive change not only to her personal dealings but also to her Ajah as well. Maegan doubted she would receive any form of gratitude from the rival Ajah, yet knowing Estel actually held back on her retorts and temper while delivering her speeches will be far more gratifying than any project she had worked on in the years past. Maegan, on the other hand, unexpectant leave of her Ajah for over a Month without consulting any of the other Reds about the disappearance of Muirenn Sedai -the eldest and most skilled Red in their halls- and information about what happened during her month of capture in the Black Tower; and then there was that little matter of her blackmailing the Amyrlin Seat.

 

Oh, Estel had every right to dread returning to the Tower. Maegan had every right to expect no one to wish her return. Not even Lillian will welcome her with open arms after the stunt with the Arches. Aramina will be bitter like the Green Sister she was, and Darienna ... Well, on most occasions they met fairly eye to eye however those topics always revolved around classes and lectures for Novices and Accepted. Hall matters were completely different and often -like all Hall dealings- unpleasant. And then there was the added responsibility of reswearing on the Oath Rod to Annais with Estel, hardly a pleasant topic but also a necessity.

 

Each step brought Maegan closer to discord, deceit and dissonance. Every bloody step.

 

Ahead, women in shawls of red rode hard towards them. Reaching the end of the bridge and now standing within the vicinity of Tar Valon, Maegan pulled up her horse motioning Estel to do the same. The two Reds continued to ride hard towards them, barely slowing in time to reach them without crashing into the returned Aes Sedai. Maegan visibly frowned as she saw both Tais and Nerissa winded, red in the face and worry in their eyes. Older than herself, Maegan still well outranked them in the One Power to not bother with titles. Tais looked to Maegan with eyes of fear, but her words were firm and steadfast -as any Red should be.

 

"Sister, may we speak to you in private," her eyes glanced to Estel for a moment with mild distaste from one Red to a Blue, "It is imperative that we do before you enter the White Tower."

 

Surprised, Maegan paused and spoke carefully while regarding her new outward relationship to the Blue. Quickly channeling a shield of silence around the 4 women, Maegan left them no room to waiver or wait. There was too much to do once they returned for them to be taking a stop for tea and political conversation. "You may speak."

 

"But..." Nerrisa glanced with a more visible dislike of Estel.

 

"Now, Sisters. Or you can ride back gagged until I have reached my quarters and have time to hear your drivel." Her words were not meant to be unpleasant, but time was passing and if these two were already racing to meet her there was no telling who else would be. Tais looked to Narissa, the other woman shrugged helplessly, and then looked to Maegan with a softer, forgiving look. Maegan only saw that look once before and her heart dropped.

 

"Annais Nevell is dead and Shevara of the Red has been Raised to Amyrlin Seat. Also,..." There was a hesitation in her voice, "You have been replaced in title and are also... are no longer a Sitter of the Red Ajah."

 

Maegan gapped at them both, her hands shaking as she gripped her reigns tightly. None of it hitting her as the first four words drowned her in sorrow and pain. Words washed over her like a waterfall over a pebble, lost in the torrents of emotions that Maegan barely held back. A tear running down her cheek. No longer Highest, no longer a Sitter... the Hunters possibly broken apart with the...

 

Maegan barely chocked out her words, whispering before she removed the shield around them. "Escort us home."

 

Annais was dead... her closest.... ::Oh... Annais! I'm so Sorry! I was too late...too late... I'm so ... ::

 

 

Within the sound of silence...

 

[AddiBeth]

For so many years, Estel had struggled with a constant barrage of disappointments, deaths, failures, and other unfortunate events.  Like a pot that was too full, set over the fire, her emotions were constantly spilling into the rest of her life, unable to contain them.  As Telcia had said in her Arches, there was no trauma she hadn’t suffered thus, enabling her to empathise with nearly anyone else’s pain.  Yet, the Blue felt uncomfortable watching Maegan’s reaction to the news of Annais’ death, an intrusion upon a private moment – usually deemed by Aes Sedai as a moment of weakness.

 

More surprising for Estel, though, was her own grief.  Certainly not for Annais’ sake, to whom she’d recounted the details of Watchers; the same woman to make that fool deal with the Black Tower and to pretend she knew what Estel was going through.  No, she didn’t care that the Amyrlin Seat had died from whatever cause.  The Blue averted her eyes from Maegan’s face, staring at the other pair of Reds instead.  The woman was certainly keeping up appearances better than Estel would have managed; not that Maegan had been particularly rigid about maintaining Aes Sedai decorum during their time at the Academy but neither was she ever anything short of composed.

 

Maegan, who had been part of the legendary GPCN; who had, as an Accepted, befriended Novice Estel; who had saved her life and kept her secret; who had taken the time to help, without judgement; into whose sanctuary she had been invited; the woman who probably have been more exclusive when two members of her own Ajah were delivering news for her – Maegan was hurting and Estel felt... sorry for her.  This small victory, empathy, might have made up for her earlier weakness but it would go uncelebrated: she was not paying the cost for it.

 

The ride back to the Tower was long.  Oppressive silence slowed the Aes Sedai’s progress with each of their horses’ steps, juxtaposed against the loud noise of the crowd that parted and bowed to let the four women pass.  A single Blue among Reds, an observer with any knowledge of White Tower politics might have figured Estel’s stiffness to be caused by her company; instead it was the woman’s inability to come up with anything remotely appropriate to say or do.  She was accustomed to feeling powerless but rarely because she was incapable of a “normal” human response.

 

Their dreaded arrival at the Tower was overshadowed by news of Annais’ death and Estel was really starting to crave the bottle of brandy, left on her desk in the Academy.  Overall, no signs were pointing to a successful “rehabilitation”.  Grooms were attending the horses while servants began hauling bags up towards the Blue and Reds Quarters.  Having refused to look at Maegan, almost in fear of somehow making things worse by her mere presence, Estel nearly jumped when the Red tapped her shoulder.  The woman’s voice was surprisingly calm as she to meet at her apartments in the Red Quarters once the Blue was settled back in.

 

Aes Sedai were not supposed to show emotions, even when a friend died.

 

Estel nodded in response and was about to offer some sort of condolences before Maegan left, but thought better of it.  If the woman was avoiding the issue for now, it would do no good to remind her.

 

Silence: a tool Estel was finally beginning to learn.

 

An hour or two passed, bags were still heaped where the servants had left them.  The Blue considered unpacking them, but discarded the notion in favour of passing her room.  Bloody hell, a Red Amyrlin?  A few months earlier, she might have thought this a disaster.  Now...  It was awfully hard to hate the Reds when Estel wanted nothing more than to slaughter every last Asha’man.  Plus, a little kindness went a long way.  The politics of the Hall of Sitters, though, affected her far less than the politics within her Ajah – Estel was not looking forward to facing Corinne or Serena about her sudden disappearance, whether or not it had been of her own volition.

 

Finally, the Domani decided she was “settled in” and had given Maegan enough time to do the same.  Her passing caused a bit of a stir in the halls – no doubt her “Sisters” were debating where she had run to this time.  Estel could pretend she didn’t care what they said but the First Oath would prevent her from ever voicing it aloud.  The Reds she saw, making her way through the crimson tiled hallways, were no more pleased that the Blue was in their territory than Tais and Narissa had been to include her in their conference.

 

Wishing Orion were there to guard her back, Estel knocked on Maegan’s door.

[Arie]

And not to pull your halo down

Around your neck and tug you to the ground

But I'm more than just a little curious

How you're plannin' to go about makin' your amends

To the dead

 

The Red Halls were blessedly silent, but the looks from the women that stood in the silent hallway told more than just silent stories with their eyes. The return of the former Highest, a woman that left them without word after a tragic event. But her mind focused on none of these things. Moving to her quarters, she Embraced Saidar and delved her weaves. Although tampered with they were still intact and none had entered since she had left. Well, none had entered through her door. If any had travelled into her room, that would be an entirely different story. Closing the heavy door behind her, Maegan adjusted the weave to allow only those she welcomed in and to warn others to stay out. There was a time to address the failures of her Ajah and it would have to wait. Instead Maegan's mind whirled and linked up threads like a weavers pattern or pieces of a blacksmith puzzle, sorting out what actions would lead them best, and what paths they needed to avoid.

 

Above all else, Maegan could not afford herself to cry over the death of Annais. Tears were for when there was no longer a time needed to be brave. Now Maegan was being forced to be brave and tread waters she hoped never to see. Light, a new Amyrlin. Too soon after the failure of the Black Tower. No doubt its events had been swept under the rug to the point of the White Tower ignoring its very events. Thus was the way of the Tower. Better to not have a response than to admit to a failure or wrong. Maegan shook her head in sorrow as she stepped into her Quarters - The wheel weaves as it wills, but light help them all. They were surrounded by the very lies their oaths protected and it was going to deliver them completely into the arms of the Shadow.

 

No one would see it coming.

 

Maegan's room shadowed with thin weaves of spirit, often assumed by all that they were placed to allow her to move easily without the aid of her spectacles, her frown noticed a few threads broken, and a small pile of ash on the floor. Concern and dread filled her system as she moved to her desk and checked every little weave only to find the desk unopened. Tampered but unopened. A small smile spread from her lips in relief. It would be unwise for any to undo the weaves she leaves around her desk. Her paranoia was a safeguard against those that wished to learn her secrets - knowledge of the Black Ajah left her far more twitchy in her older age then she cared to admit. However, if it saved her from losing secrets like the Academy then she needed to be paranoid. Leaving the ash to examine later, Maegan set her saddlebags aside and moved to the tea setting by the large windows that lead out to an outdoor patio. Not many of those in the Tower, and the view was spectacular and rare. Maegan saw none of it.

 

As Estel entered her quarters, the two women started off as silent. Not even regarding the meeting as a need for tea, the moments fell away before Maegan spoke to the Blue.

 

"It would be best to approach Shevara tomorrow, preferably without the Keeper in attendance. Before anything else the woman MUST be resworn. I fear the possibility of Annais demise as a product of the Black Ajah's desire to direct the Tower in a different direction. Annais was very good for the Tower, I doubt that Shevara will be better. The woman does not always listen to reason, let alone the Hall." Maegan smiled, "No doubt she will be plenty upset at us for forcing her to reswear on the Oath Rod. More so if force it upon her physically." The images of Maegan's ordeal with Annais and Lillian still stun, more so as after that event her and Annais had spent the night and morning together. Not as pillow friends, but as friends. Now her beloved friend was dead. "She will respect a straight forward demand, you must be ready and willing to Link. We will only have one shot and she will need to be shielded before she blinks. As a Red she is trained far too well in shielding.. and I am going on and on... " The Red sighed heavily.

 

"I'm sorry Estel. I will not quite have the influence as I once did. I lost a great deal of credibility and all my positions when I left and with Shevara a former Red she will not regard either of us lightly. I would not be surprised if the woman threatens us with treason for leaving the way we did." Maegan chuckled, "I did kidnap you, after all.

 

"We need to ensure that the work of the Arches and the events that lead up to it are left to those involved. We can tell her a few things, I am sure she will be very interested in the reopening of the Arches after it had gone silent, yet ... " She fell silent. Never had she felt so confused as to what would be best shared. Should Shevara prove not Black Ajah, there would be a great deal to tell her and much of it would not sit will with the traditional woman. "What thoughts do you have, Estel. You have grown much in this past month. Perhaps you may see something different than I do."

 

[AddiBeth]

She nodded silently, content to follow the older woman’s lead – while she’d never been a sheep, neither did she possess the charisma that seemed to flow so freely from nearly every other woman living in the white walls.  “Considering my reputation, I doubt the woman will see me as any type of threat... unstable perhaps, but not a threat.  Since so few of us ever returned from Watchers, it shouldn’t be difficult to get an audience.  When would she be apart from the Keeper?  And if we can’t separate the two, what then?  We’ll have the element of surprise, but I’m not familiar with either of their strengths.”  All statements of the obvious, mused aloud for Maegan’s feedback and with the expectation of being told she’d missed something.

 

“Without testimony from Annais, Aramina, Lillian, Telcia, or Darienna, she can’t very well charge us with treason; in the Tower, only you and I know that it was against Annais’ orders that you left.  I don’t even really know how that played out, I was unconscious.  Promise of information about Watchers should be enough to entice her into meeting with us, the rest we deal with as it comes – dodge when possible, answer when forced.”

[Arie]

And not to pull your halo down

Around your neck and tug you to the ground

But I'm more than just a little curious

How you're plannin' to go about makin' your amends

To the dead

 

 

Maegan paused in thought as she regarded Estel. Pulling in air into her lungs, she sighed out deeply. "This isn't going to be easy. Not as it was. I agree that what has happened is sealed to the Flame and the witnesses to it lost to the Creators Will. I can not think of it as otherwise. If the Creator Willed it, who are we to question.

 

"If she can not be separated from her Keeper we may have to work around it. Play what cards we can with the cards dealt us. Should they be together you will then request the Keeper to leave with you. How, I..." Plans churned in her head, eluding her with the prolonged state of serenity that threaten to break around her. She could not break now. After Shevara is confirmed to be of the Light. She could not rest until she was certain of this! "Perhaps a personal request that will ensure privacy for Shevara and myself, information vital to her position as Amyrlin that should be known before being shared with the Keeper. After all, to some Annais and I were quite close. It would not be surprising should information be shared between us. It has been so many times in the past. That is no Lie.

 

"What are your thoughts, Estel?" Maegan waited if even for an agreement. Either way, it was a mission that will not be done without some scars.