Esther's Arches

[Elgee]

Esther had her nose in a book, as usual, when the summons came. There was only one reason Larindhra Sedai appeared at a novice’s door, dressed much more formally than was her wont and wearing her shawl carefully arranged. Esther started smoothing her own plain white dress and tidying her even before Larindhra spoke. Arches.

 

For months now she had been expecting this, had felt sure that she was ready, even though it was much quicker than most novices were raised. She had been reasonably well educated before coming to the Tower, and had completely immersed herself in her studies since. Not for her the distractions of giggling over Warder trainees, or slumber parties, or any of the myriad other ways her fellow novices found to distract themselves from the goal. The only goal – becoming an Aes Sedai, and doing it in the fastest possible way. So it was with a steady heart that Esther followed the Mistress of Novices down the spiralling ramps, deep into the heart of the Tower, confident in her ability to pass this test.

 

Larindhra’s face was smooth as she led Esther into the domed chamber, where four Aes Sedai and silvery Ter’Angreal awaited her, yet there was a tightness around her eyes. Esther dismissed it, so eager to enter the Arches that she hardly paid attention to Larindhra’s quiet words. “Two things that no woman hears until she enters this room. Once you begin, you must continue to the end. Refuse to go on, no matter your potential and you will be very kindly put out of the Tower with enough silver to support you a year, and you will never be allowed back. Second. To seek, to strive, is to know danger. You will know danger here. Some women have entered, and never come out. When the Ter’Angreal was allowed to grow quiet, they - were - not - there. And they were never seen again. If you will survive, you must be steadfast. Faltering leads to a failure.”

 

“This is your last chance, child. You may turn back now, and you will have only mark against you. Twice more will you be allowed to come here, and only at the third refusal will you be put out of the Tower. It is no shame to refuse. Many cannot do it their first time here. Now you may speak.”

 

Refuse to enter? Esther almost snorted at such cowardice.  “I am ready, Larindhra Sedai.”

 

Larindhra gave her a long look before finally leading her towards the Aes Sedai standing beside a table on which rested three silvery chalices filled with water.

 

“Whom do you bring with you, Sister?”

“One who comes as a candidate for Acceptance, Sister.”

“Is she ready?”

“She is ready to leave behind what she was, and, passing through her fears, gain Acceptance.”

“Does she know her fears?”

“She has never faced them, but now is willing.”

“Then let her face what she fears.”

 

No wonder some girls were too afraid for this, what with all this talk of fears! She was sure it was just a way to put one off. Well, it wasn’t going to work with her. Esther’s hands started unbuttoning her dress as soon as Narna Sedai finished speaking. This was one part of the ceremony she had … anticipated with less than eagerness. Why under the Light did one have to do this naked? But, it had to be done, so she did it. She was glad, though, that Larindhra wasted no time in leading her to the first Arch, now filled with a soft white glow, intoning as she led. “The first time is for what was. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.”

 

---

 

Her hands were wrinkly and red, Esther noticed with vague surprise. Now why would … “Esther!” Her hands jerked, almost cracking the delicate cup against the side of the basin. Her sister never bothered to waste dulcet tones on Esther. “Mother says you’re to run and get some more arath to season the meat! And no dawdling to flirt with the pig boy, either.” The last was said in a snide voice, with a particularly nasty giggle. Esther sighed, rubbing the small of her back. Her sisters thought it uproariously funny to make jokes about not even the pig boy wanting anything to do with Esther. The sudden urge she felt to throw the cup at her sister’s blonde head shocked her upright. Now where did that come from? This was her life, had always been, and would always be.

 

Suppressing the utterly alien surge of rebellion, she headed off to the market, carefully counting the pennies in her small purse. She was so engrossed in worrying if it would be enough that only the quick reflexes of the woman atop the magnificent horse saved her from being trampled underfoot. Flushing scarlet, Esther stammered her apologies. “Forgive me, Mistre …” The quality of the woman’s green satin dress cut her off midword. “Pardon, m’lady.” She flushed even more as the woman gazed intently at her. To avoid the incredibly piercing eyes of the rather plain faced lady, she shifted them to the two men at arms accompanying her. Their strange cloaks caught her attention, making her feel slightly queasy as they seemed to shift colour. Her eyes grew round and flew back to the woman. “Aes Sedai,” she whispered in awed tones.

 

Still holding her like a rabbit in a trap with those incredible eyes, the woman dismounted and whispered something to the men, then took hold of Esther’s arm and practically dragged her into the inn across from which they had stopped. She hushed Esther’s fearful protests about being late, without breaking a stride. The innkeeper’s abeyances were equally firmly dealt with, and in short order Esther was plonked down at a table in a private dining room, with a sparkling stone suspended on absolutely nothing in front of her.

 

It seemed as if she was caught in a whirlwind. She could learn to channel! Hope dawned where there had been none. The chagrined faces of her mother and sisters made her want to explode with joy! She would not have to be their drudges for the rest of her life, forced to swallow their jibes and insults, forced to … a glint caught the corner of her eye. She turned her head slowly, already knowing that this meant the end of everything, her short-lived happiness turning to ashes. With leaden feet she moved towards the shimmering arch, the gloating jeers from her family, the incredulous remonstrations from the Aes Sedai. Why?? Why could she not have this one thing? She wanted to stop, to turn back, but a little voice whispered in her head, drawing her inexorably on.

 

The way back will come but once.

 

Shrieking, she flung herself at the arch. “I want to be Aes Sedai!!”

 

 

---

 

Her scream seemed to echo around the chamber, freezing Narna Sedai in the act of lifting a water-filled chalice. Larindhra broke the tableau by giving Esther a slight push towards the table. Trembling, she staggered the first few steps before regaining some outward show of composure. Inside, her stomach was trembling. The fear of disgracing herself by losing her supper was only a small one, compared to the shock she still felt. The cold water revived her somewhat.

 

“You are washed clean of what sin you may have done and of those done against you. You are washed clean of what crime you may have committed, and of those committed against you. You come to us washed clean and pure, in heart and soul.”

 

It took her a moment to start walking towards the next Arch, her nudity now forgotten. There was a slight touch of sympathy in Larindhra’s voice.

 

“The second arch is for what is. The way will come but once. Be steadfast.”

 

 

---

 

“You silly twit! I told you not to ride so close to your time! Now look what’s happened.” Esther shook her head in fond exasperation at her friend, but inside she was worried sick. It was one thing to help farm animals give birth, but Deanne was no cow. Well, not literally, anyway. Strange to think how many times she’d called her that, wishing her to perdition, and now they were best friends. She patted Deanne encouragingly on the arm as her eyes scanned the woods frantically. If she recalled correctly, there was an old woodcutter’s cottage around here somewhere … there! She sagged in her saddle with relief, as yet another cramp had Deanne doubling over in her saddle.

 

It seemed to take forever to get Deanne to the cottage, but the sun was only just beginning to set as she all but carried her friend through the sagging door. “Just lean against the wall here while I gather up some rushes.” It was a rude and rough place for a child to be born, but better this than out in the open woods. She hurried around the little room gathering what she could find for bedding, and at the same time trying to distract Deanne from the pains that wracked her body. “Who ever heard of a Green with no Warder? Really, Deanne – you could have bonded at least one, you know! He’d be good for chopping wood, right now.” Deanne gave a weak chuckle before gasping and doubling over again. At last Esther was able to help her over to one corner and lower her to the crude bed she had made.

 

“You just lie there for a moment while I collect firewood, my dear.” Gently she wiped Deanne’s hair from her sweat-drenched forehead, then headed outside. It was almost full dark now, but there was enough light for her to see a good-sized stack of wood along the side of the cottage. She loaded her arms with as much as she could carry, then headed back to the door at a trot …

 

The way back will come but once.

 

What … A silvery arch had appeared in the little clearing in front of the cottage.

 

The way back will come but once.

 

The wood slipped from her arms, and a sob fought its way up her throat. I can’t leave her – she’ll die! Deanne’s screams followed her into the arch.

 

---

 

 

“You are washed clean of false pride. You are washed clean of false ambition. You come to us washed clean, in heart and soul.”

 

The water dripping down her body was nowhere near as icy as her heart. She did not know what shocked her the most: that she and Deanne had somehow become best friends, or that she had left her there to die, just so she could become Aes Sedai one day. And now she had to do this one more time.

 

Larindhra’s eyes were filled with compassion, almost breaking Esther’s resolve. They said the third Arch was the worst. “The third time is for what will be. Be steadfast for the way back will come but once.” Esther took a deep breath and stepped through.

 

 

---

 

It had been a harrowing and emotionally draining case, but Esther Sedai delivered her verdict with the satisfied feeling that Justice had been served. Maybe not following the strict letter of the Law, but close enough that no one would gainsay her decision. The joy she saw blooming on the face of the woman before her seemed to be strangely echoing in a corner of her head. A wave of dizziness swept over her, and concern flared. Swinging her head around, she looked at the man she could … feel, standing behind her.

 

His dark brown eyes echoed the feeling in her head. Long black hair brushed her face as he bent down to whisper in her ear, carefully adjusting the sword on his hip so it did not bump her face. “That is enough for today, my love, time for a nice hot bath, a good supper, and then … “My love?? It took a few moments to analyze the feelings now flowing from him, but the grin on his full lips eventually made it clear. Esther felt a slow flush suffuse her face as he helped her up and steered her towards a door. Surely he didn’t mean … they hadn’t … but of course they had! Memories rushed in to erase the former confusion. Memories that made her knees weak and the flush on her face spread further. It brought a low chuckle from the tall, leanly muscled figure at her side.

 

He loved to tease her, this Warder of hers. Sometimes she would wake up at night and just stare at him, marvelling at the fact that of all the Aes Sedai who could have Bonded him, he had somehow ended up being hers. Well, if it had not been for his perseverance and obstinacy, he would have ended up being someone else’s. The mere thought of that would make an icy fist clutch her heart. She shuddered to think what kind of person she would have become, not only as a woman, but also as an Aes Sedai, if he had not seen what was hidden beneath her cold exterior.

 

It was a poorly hidden secret that Esther was closer to her Warder than was commonly found, except amongst Greens. At first the slightly disapproving looks had mortified her, but slowly she had come to realised that they were a small price to pay, for all the good he had wrought with her. Without his influence, today’s verdict would have followed the letter of the Law, but it would have been a miscarriage of Justice.

 

Shaking off her dark thoughts, Esther slipped her arm around his waist, and turned to smile up at him. A flash caught the corner of her eye, and she turned her head to look curiously down the half-lit passage that led to the other side of the Inn. In many small villages, the Inn also served as the local courthouse. Her idle curiosity turned to an icy feeling as she saw the shimmering arch.

 

The way back will come but once.

 

Slowly she let go of him. This beautiful man who loved her. Protected her. It wasn’t real. With dreadful certainty, she knew that. She also knew that if she stayed here, if she ignored the whisper in her head, the beckoning arch, it would become reality. For a while. Maybe. No. Better to believe that it was a dream. That was the only way she could face what she had to do. Had to do. There was no choice.

 

Ignoring his calls, she walked towards the arch. At the last moment she turned round, facing him. “Esther? Beloved?” His confusion was clear, she could feel the bewilderment through their bond. From somewhere she summoned up calmness, offered him a smile. “It will be all right, Rian – trust me.” He relaxed and smiled back at her. He had always trusted her to make the right decision, which of course had led her to do just that. Had. His smile was the last thing she saw as she backed slowly through the arch.

 

---

 

White light surrounded her. Icy water poured over her head.

 

“You are washed clean of Esther Tremaine of Guidepost. You are washed clean of all ties that bind you to the world. You come to us washed clean in heart and soul. You are Esther Tremaine, Accepted of the White Tower.”

 

“You are sealed to us, now. Welcome, daughter,”

 

The Amyrlin Seat’s voice seemed to come from far away, even though it was loud in her ears. Esther watched her slip the Great Serpent ring on the third finger of her left hand. Someone else’s hand, just as it was someone else’s knees that were freezing on the tiled floor. Someone else who was pulled to her feet and kissed on her cheek.

 

“Welcome, Daughter”, and then the other cheek. “Welcome.”

 

They said the ring was worth any price you had to pay …

 

 

Esther Tremaine