Karma

[Corwin]

It was early in the morning, only a few days since he had fought with Eqwina.  He didn't want to see her still, the woman had manipulated him to reveal himself.  He felt for the woman unlike he had felt for a woman since Calliste.  But that didn't matter, all she did now was sit in her Tower and never make any move toward talking to him.  The bond was all but severed.  The few times he felt any emotion from her it was cold and distant.

 

Corwin was going through his typical morning exercises when suddenly felt Eqwina moving farther away.  It was as if she was riding on a horse, but Corwin had told her he would help her with whatever journey she meant before their fight.  But now she was leaving without him?  No matter how mad he was at her, he still would have kept his word.  No matter how mad he was, there were feelings deep down he couldn't get rid of.

 

Saddling his horse, Corwin gathered his few provisions and began chasing after the woman.

[Eqwina]

For three days Eqwina stalked around the Tower biting off the head of anyone who came too close. She’d even erupted in the Hall causing herself a painful humiliation and a “personal penance” to set things right. All of that had done nothing towards relieving the pain that Corwin had caused. A few times each day she would feel him drawing closer, almost as if he were seeking her out and then disappear as fast as he’d came.

 

When the opportunity came across her desk from the Gray Ajah, asking for a Yellow’s assistance on a short trip she leapt at the chance to get away. Normally she would have passed the task on to one of her Sisters, as Ajah Head she was required to be in the Tower almost constantly, but getting away was not a chance she would miss. Making arrangements to see that everything was taken care of she began to pack. Knowing that the Sister she would be traveling with was not of her..persuasion..didn’t bother Eqwina at all, in fact it would be refreshing to spend time with someone knew. Perhaps it could even make her forget the vile idiot she’d bonded. It might even give her a chance to slip up into the Blight to see if she could learn anything new.

 

Not even leaving a note for Corwin she saddle Nightlily and met the Gray Sister and her Warder by the gates. Both seemed to notice the lack of her own escort but she smiled and assured them that “in spite of her small size she really could be let out without her giant of a warder.” Politely they both laughed at her jest, but they didn’t buy her story for a minute.

 

Upon her return to the Tower with Corwin in toe and bonded they had become the instant talk of almost every flapping tongue. The mini outcast Aes Sedai and the once Insane Warder had bonded! It was gossip even for even Aes Sedai to take notice, and their fights were becoming a thing of ledged. Smiling through gritted teeth Eqwina booted Nightlily ahead leaving the younger Sister and her warder to follow. She had been in a position on the outside for too long to worry about what they thought.

 

It was a shock when she felt Corwin drawing closer..with the anger she’d felt from him the last few days she didn’t think he world care if she fell off the face of the earth . She pushed hard towards Fal Moran…making them travel from first light until dark but still three could not travel as fast as one. Just outside the capital of Sheinar she could feel him only a few miles away and called for an immediate halt. After all the hard riding she’d forced they were grateful to make camp. Well..the Gray Sister was, her warder showed no effects from the trip. When they were both asleep Eqwina crept away from the camp and to a small clearing less then a quarter mile away. She warded it against eaves dropping and prepared a few nasty weaves that would cut him down where he stood. She’d decided that one more wrong word out of him and he would be her first Warder to die in her service.

 

[Corwin]

The weeks of chasing the woman wore on Corwin's anger.  He still felt a lot of frustration at the woman, but his anger was all but gone.  Except when he thought of her leaving him.  But even that was dampened when he thought about how he had left her for the mountains.  It didn't matter though, he acted too much on emotion.  Eqwina seemed to bring out all the emotions in him he didn't want to feel.  The woman had him tied in knots and he fought every moment of it.

 

One night it seemed she gave up running.  He felt her getting closer and he took some time to gain control of his emotions.  He didn't want to let his temper choose his words like before.  With it having only been a few weeks, his memory was still rather fresh.  Corwin tried talking to her when he first saw her in the clearing, but she just ignored everything.  His temper began to flare even more, he was trying to be civil toward her to begin with, and she was just ignoring him.  Taking out one of his knives he began coming closer and decided he would get her attention.  What is wrong with you woman?  I stand there trying to be civil to you, and you just ignore what I say?  Pretend like I'm not even there?  Throwing the dagger toward the tree behind her, Corwin watched it stop suddenly and sail into him.

[Eqwina]

She could feel him stop coming but in the darkness of night could not see his face. She stared in the direction he was; sure that she was looking him in the eyes. Several minutes passed and all she could feel was his anger growing. How his anger was growing with her just standing there she couldn’t know, when suddenly he burst into the clearing with gleaming steal in his hand.

 

“What is wrong with you woman?  I stand there trying to be civil to you, and you just ignore what I say?  Pretend like I'm not even there?”

 

“Pretending you aren’t even where? What are you…” The dagger gleamed in the moonlight as is streak towards her face, and she altered one of the weaves she’d been holding to turn the steal back on him. As if riding lightning it streaked back towards him and landed in his stomach slightly to the left. The knife had been aimed at her shoulder, but with almost a foot that separated their height when she’d turned the dagger she never altered it course. He crumpled to the ground in a heap and Eqwina could feel his life slipping away. Belly wounds were always the worst, the only thing that bled more was the head, and it felt like she’d nicked a vital organ by the quickness in which he faded. She hesitated, caught between the desire to see him die and the urge to know why he’d wanted her dead…and why he’d followed her here.

 

His hands clutched around the blade as if he meant to pull it out, but his eyes remained locked on hers. She could see the last breaths beginning to form and the blood start to seep from his lips. Eqwina had seen many men die..by her own hand, so it was not the sight of death that moved her feet. Intermixed with his pain and lingering anger she’d felt regret. Whether it was regret that he was dying or that she was going to watch him, or something else entirely she would never know if she let him pass. Forcing him over onto his back she laid him flat with the dagger still protruding from his gut. He was close to the brink and the amount of power it would take to heal him could kill him just as easily. Closing her eyes she used the bond to give him more strength, draining some of her own. In one quick motion she drew the dagger from his stomach and pressed her hands over the wound, holding in his blood. As deftly as she could Eqwina wove healing and laid it on him, almost gently. He convulsed and arched his back emitting a loud groan before settling back to the ground.

 

Standing up and backing away Eqwina held her hands out in front of her, watching as his blood dripped from her fingers. She’d almost let him die, even knowing what it would mean to herself. All because of what? A fight, a disagreement? Then again he didn’t treat her as a warder should and she deserved more. Walking back over to the small tree stump she took a seat with her elbows on her knees; careless of the blood that dripped on her silk hem. Pushing a few stray hairs from her eyes she didn’t even notice as his blood marred her cheek.

 

“Why did you do it Corwin? Why did you follow me all this way to kill me? If you wanted me dead you should have never let me known you were coming. Surely you are smarter than that.” Her voice was devoid of emotion, but her emerald green eyes sparkled with every thing she left unsaid.

 

[Corwin]

Try to kill you?  I was standing there talking to you without you even acknowledging I was there.  You only stared at me.  Corwin took a few deep breaths to clam himself.  You would know if I was coming any time, you know that.  And if I wanted you dead, I wouldn't have chased you down. I...  Corwin didn't know how to express himself.

 

I threw the knife to finally get a reaction out of you since you just stood there.  That's why it went for above your shoulder, not for your heart or head.  Corwin turned and took a couple steps to leave to try and gather his thoughts but turned back around.  Why do you do this to me?  Why do you make me feel these emotions?  I had them buried so far away they would have NEVER come  back.  He was beginning to realize just how much of a broken man he was now.  Why...?

[Eqwina]

She watched him struggle to his feet, obviously weak from the healing and too stubborn to admit it. Eqwina didn’t move she just sat very still watching him wobble as he tried to rant. “Try to kill you?  I was standing there talking to you without you even acknowledging I was there.  You only stared at meYou would know if I was coming any time, you know that.  And if I wanted you dead, I wouldn't have chased you down. I...”

 

That certainly explained his growing anger; he hadn’t known about the barrier and thought she was only standing in the darkness listening to him talk.  That would be enough to anger anyone. I threw the knife to finally get a reaction out of you since you just stood there.  That's why it went for above your shoulder, not for your heart or head.” As he always did he turned to walk away, but this time he stopped himself. Which was well because Eqwina had no intention of doing it for him. “Why do you do this to me?  Why do you make me feel these emotions?  I had them buried so far away they would have NEVER come  back…Why?”

 

She still had not moved, until she saw him wobble again. “Sit down before you fall” her voice was quiet and still dead of emotion, but she did settle herself on the ground and pat to a space just next to her. When he was settled she laid her hand on his arm, ignoring his flinch. Using more of her energy she drained some of his fatigue, knowing that his hunger would remain. “Corwin, you should know my want of privacy. This whole clearing is warder. I couldn’t see you..or hear a sound. The first sight I see is you with a knife and then you throwing it at my head. What else am I supposed to think paring that with the anger I felt in the bond?”

 

She did not wait on his answer, it had been a rhetorical question anyway. “As to the other..I do not make you feel anything. I have not compelled you with the bond and would not. I want your decision to be your own; you are no good to me as a puppet.” She refrained from mentioning Arath and hoped that he would too.  There was so much else left to say before that topic needed to be brought up. “I know I am not always honest with you..but..the other day, a few weeks ago I tried to explain. Explain my past and what made me who I am. Hoping that you would better understand me if you knew where I came from.”

Without noticing she began to wipe his blood off on her skirts, leaving dark smears in the moonlight.

 

[Corwin]

Corwin sighed as he sat down.  He felt the sudden energy and knew it was from her.  “Corwin, you should know my want of privacy. This whole clearing is warder. I couldn’t see you..or hear a sound. The first sight I see is you with a knife and then you throwing it at my head. What else am I supposed to think paring that with the anger I felt in the bond?”  That explained why she reacted how she did.  She had saved his life as well, so she would have had a simple enough way to let him die and just unbond him right there while he was on the ground.

 

She charged right on though, ignoring his nod.  “As to the other..I do not make you feel anything. I have not compelled you with the bond and would not. I want your decision to be your own; you are no good to me as a puppet.”  Corwin suppressed his sigh that time, but laid back with his arms behind his head.  “I know I am not always honest with you..but..the other day, a few weeks ago I tried to explain. Explain my past and what made me who I am. Hoping that you would better understand me if you knew where I came from.”

 

Corwin didn't know what to tell her, he just laid there looking at her back.  I think we are both haunted by our pasts...  I know I said a lot of things that I shouldn't have.  You make me feel so much without even trying.  I don't know how you did it, but even after that fight I couldn't push you out.  It may not matter much, but I am willing to listen.  Maybe one day I will be able to control these feelings you give me....

[Eqwina]

Eqwina looked at Corwin and shook her head slightly. Why did he think he needed to control his emotions and hide what he felt? Honestly she did not want another love affair and yet she had found herself with some kind of feelings for the man. Making it only logical that she try and discover what they truly are and..if he ever became too much of an issue there was always the option of killing him.

 

“You will truly listen to my past…and not judge what I have become? Often I think that you do not agree with my choosen path..and yet still you remain. Tell me Corwin..have you ever heard of the glories of Serving the Great Lord of the Dark?”

 

The dead pan look in his eyes and the sudden stillness of the bond made her continue on before he could think too much on her words. There would be time for that talk in the days to come..if she let him live.

 

“To truly begin at the beginning you would have to know why and how I came to the Tower.” Eqwina told him anout her families Inn in Ebou Dar, her mother the Cairheinian noble and her father wealthy Inn keeper. She told him of the fire that had driven the old gleeman to take in the orphan and then of his death that had led her to the shining walls. He didn’t say much while she spoke, but he could almost see him cataloging it all away.

 

“I had only been in the Tower a few years when I met Nevin. I was still a novice at the time, though close to gaining the Ring. Nevin was…” her voice took on a faraway cast. “perfect. He was shy and quiet but hidden beneath it all was a passion that never died. I was fortunate enough to have all that passion be directed towards me. I will not say that we never fought but we always loved each other..no matter what.” She reminisced about the garden walks and her fainiting and Throm.

 

“I swear to you Corwin..all I used my Accepted years for was kissing Nevin and fainting every time an Aes Sedai came near me. I hardly got anything done between the hours spent planning to sneak away with him and the actually sneaking. That is why I am an outcast..after Nevin was called home and later died I spent my first ten years as an Aes Sedai crying over what I had lost. It wasn’t until a Red Sister found me that I truly became as Aes Sedai.”

 

[Corwin]

Corwin laid there trying to keep his emotions schooled.  He had so many lovers before... most every Green Sister it seemed.  Yet he still didn't like hearing about other men with her.  He never brought up Calliste except that one time, and yet he had to let that go.  That was one reason he had been so angry over the past few weeks, was he had to put away Calliste.  While he was coming up here, he realized just how much of a burden she had been, just how much he had been dragging around.  But he was free of that now.

 

But one day he would know what was going on with Eqwina.  Some days he felt so much, others he didn't want to even see her.  Corwin had no idea why she tied him in such emotional knots, but she did.

[Eqwina]

It was embarrassing remembering when she had been shunned by the Tower and kept in hiding so no one could see the pathetic Aes Sedai. Shaking her hair from her face she sat up a little straighter as she remembered the Power she now carried. All of those events were years gone.

 

“I was just regaining my standing among Aes Sedai when I was volunteered to be on a delegation sent to the Black Tower. I had gone to show my new found strength and begin to find a place to belong. It was there that my transformation to what I am now truly began. We were captured and forcibly bonded by the Asha’man man. The man who bonded me was name Isha and he was more than a little insane. His nightmares seemed to feed into my head day and night while I was held captive and even after.” She glance at Corwin to see what he thought of all this, but his face was still blank. “Somehow Isha and I became friends. It was an odd friendship based on a mutual captivity of sorts. I was held by him and him held captive by what he’d become and his insanity. I had tried to heal him, but by the time we’d meet he was far beyond healing. And…”

 

Eqwina cleared her throat and stared down at the blood still caking her hands and the drying smears on her dress. It reminded her too much of the story she was about to tell. About how Isha had come to the Tower and ended up imprisoned and deformed. He was in pain and wanted to die, but could not see and had no hands to do the action himself. He had begged Eqwina..she could still see his deformed face pleading with her to end his life. It tugged at her to see him in pain and she’d given in. “Bound by my oaths I could not use the power and had to..to destroy him with my hands. I used a large metal pipe to end it all, but with my weak arms it took several blows while I listened to him beg me to finish it faster. With him dead I was able to burn the remains, after I convinced myself that the blood mess that covered me and the floor was no longer the friend I’d known.” Her voice caught in her throat and she came as close to tears as she had in years. Wiping away the few small tears that did escape she moved quickly on to being spending that night in prayer and hearing no answers from her creator.

 

“I had nothing Corwin…Nevin was dead, my parents were dead Ellifin was gone I was alone and had been abandoned by the Light. It was too much pain to bare, I was desperate. So on my knees alone in my room I called out the Dark Lord and begged his help. Too see if he would answer prayers. It wasn’t long before the Black Ajah found me and I began the life I lead now…but there is yet another man…I fear that it was the final humiliation of him that makes me fear the way I do.”

 

She told him of traveling to the Blight for training and of the Tower Guard she’d had to kill. She remember all the details of the party her first night and the intoxicating man she’d met. “He was beautiful and carried power with him to match any king. I was entranced, but by more than just his mere attraction. Drak was marred deep in The Game and it was delicate dance that he and I played. It took weeks to discover that I was the prey not the hunter. You see..” Eqwina unfolded the story about Drak being in the Black Tower posed as an Asha’man and choosing out her to be his protégé. “He wanted an Aes Sedai at his side and it was me that he wanted. Unable to actually bond me he gave me a ring that acted in much the same way and with an order never to take it off. It was under his tutelage that I lost the last part of myself that was truly human. He taught me the art of killing and even more about the Game. I learned all the secrets of the Great Lord and he was there with me the day I was sworn in the Pit of Doom to the Great one. I…think..I think some small part of me cared for him, even after the months of rough treatment and his forced affections. He had picked me! Me..when there were others there he could have wanted and it was me…I..”

 

Her voice trailed off and her voice grew harder. “But now he is gone as well and I am alone. You see Corwin why I did as I did.” Confusion poured along the bond, so she explained her point. “Every man that gets close to me always leaves. It can take months or even years but it always ends the same….”

 

[Corwin]

Corwin didn't know what to tell her.  She was so scared of men leaving, she obviously had a bad history with them, but one question dominated his mind... Why me then?  You are so scared of men leaving, yet you wouldn't let me go.  You came to the Mountains for me, you found me in the tavern when we first met.  If you are so scared of men abandoning you, why did you come to find me?  Why will you not give up on me?

 

Corwin waited to hear what she would say... trying to hide just how much he was hanging on her words.  He even retreated into the Void to an added buffer.  He couldn't let her know why he had come so far...

[Eqwina]

Eqwina sighed and looked him in the eye as she gave his answer. She was sure that it was not the romantic words he’d hoped for, but it was true. More the truth than anything else she’d told in recent years.

 

“I did not come looking specifically for you Corwin, but for any man with a sword that could watch my back. As you well know there are times when the Power cannot be used and it is in those times that I would find a sword most useful. I had planned to find a man as jilted as I. To make his..transition..easier, but like many things this did not come about as planned. You ask why I chase you and yet I think you answer your own question. I chased you because no matter how much you anger me, you would still just be another man in my life that abandoned me and I cannot allow that..plus you are my Warder. Warder’s do not abandon their Aes Sedai.”

 

She tried to gauge his reaction to having heard her life story, he certainly did not seem to taken back, but he was also very quiet and so was the bond. Was he disgusted by her killing Isha or by her relationship with Drak. Or was it jealousy or simply that there was nothing to saw. Certainly she did not know how she would respond if someone poured out their guts to her in that way.

 

[Corwin]

Corwin laid there thinking once Eqwina had finished.  Obviously there was a bit more to things than he thought, but he didn't know what to make of the whole situation.  As he laid there he just let thoughts pass along the void and die away.  Many were thoughts of pity, and some were thoughts of anger, that she would use him and view him only as a tool.  But he couldn't think of anything to say.  She had obviously learned some way to cope with these things, but he could see her looking at him for some hint of something.

 

After several minutes past he saw her visibly get frustrated and get up.  What's wrong with you now?  What did I do?  If eyes could throw daggers, her's were pros at it.  Nothing, you did nothing when I am here trying to talk to you.  You may physically be here, but emotionally you have abandoned me.

 

So because I don't know what to say I am abandoning you?  Because I have no response to your life story I am suddenly gone?  You know as well as I if I wanted to leave I never would have been here.  If I wanted to abandon you I would have done so long ago.  You would never have caught up to me in the Mountains of Mist if I didn't want to be by your side.

 

At that Corwin stopped.  He didn't know that part would come out.  As surprising as it was he felt the pang of truth very firmly on the outside of the void.  The shock of it actually shook the void from him.  He had been so independent his who life, was he now tied so firmly to her that he truly just wanted to be by her side?  He had been so free before... was he now chained?

[Eqwina]

Eqwina waited…she was waiting for any response or any sign that he had even heard her words. In the minutes that past even the bond went silent and she found herself wondering if she’d just made a grave mistake. The healing had made her weak and the sharing of strength, she didn’t know if she had enough left in her to kill him if this all went South. Turning so she could see his eyes, the blank glazed look spoke volumes of his disinterest.

 

“Nothing, you did nothing when I am here trying to talk to you.  You may physically be here, but emotionally you have abandoned me.”

 

“So because I don't know what to say I am abandoning you?  Because I have no response to your life story I am suddenly gone?  You know as well as I if I wanted to leave I never would have been here.  If I wanted to abandon you I would have done so long ago.  You would never have caught up to me in the Mountains of Mist if I didn't want to be by your side.”

 

She was going to have to settle in her own mind that she had a sword and a shield, but not a companion. It had been what she wanted, in the beginning, but now that she had it she was unsure of how to react. Corwin had been such a challenge to her—so strong and unrelenting in his conviction. He was the type of man she always thought she would end up bonding. Someone the total opposite of Nevin, in every way so as not to cause painful memories. “If you want to be at my side Corwin you need to act like it more often than when the mood suits you. I can accept you being just my sword and my shield and I can also accept you being my companion and Warder, but you cannot have it both ways. Be distant, aloof, closed up and alone or..open up to me and allow me to see inside those walls. Obviously you trust me to some degree or you would not have allowed me to take your bond. People like you and I, we do not have many friends. It is necessity of course that makes it that way, but at least in each other we can instill some trust.”

 

“I have trusted you with all my secrets, even the ones that would send me to the gallows and what have a received in return? Heated words! That is all. Choose Corwin…. You can be only my sword and shield or you can trust me enough to call me friend.”

 

Her emerald green eyes flashed in the moonlight, will all the passion that was flowing with in her. Eqwina had never thought she would bond, but now that she had she was willing to fight to make things work as she wanted.

 

For a time Corwin was silent, she gave him a few moments more and shook her head. “That is fine Gaidin. I need to get back to the others before they notice my absence. You can return with me or meet us on the road tomorrow. Either is acceptable” Looking down at her blood stained dress she sighed, it had been her favorite. “I cannot go back looking as if I’ve committed murder and neither should you.”Her voice was calm and conveyed no emotion, Eqwina herself was calm..she could accept any decision. After all it had been only answer that she had wanted.  Channeling she brought her saddle bags to herself and began slipping out of the blood stained silk. Letting it fall to the ground she burned it with fire to remove all evidence of his near death experience. She was still standing in her shift when Corwin grabbed her roughly by the arm. There was no fear in Eqwina, only a stony calm as she looked into his eyes and waited to hear what he would say.

 

[Corwin]

Corwin had never felt so torn before.  She had given him the choice... a life dispelling his emotions for her, or a life with her.  He knew what he wanted, but at the same time, she had her point.  His emotions ruled him too much.  Since she had come into his life, his emotions had been tied into knots.  Physically, he had not been with a woman in a long time.  Emotionally, he had not been with a woman since Calliste.  That had been Eleanore's final "gift" to him... he no longer let women get too close to him.

 

Now things felt so different though.  There were so many reasons for him to not let her in.  She was a Dark Friend, a member of the Black Ajah even... no the head of the Black Ajah.  But now that he knew her story he understood a bit more.  He knew exactly what it felt like to be abandoned by the Light... he had abandoned his hope in the Light long ago.  But he had never went that far to swear his soul away.  He had thought of it before, but never become so desperate.

 

As she began burning her dress though, Corwin knew his time was running out.  She would only wait so long, and he couldn't blame her.  Emotionally he had never been with her... he had abandoned her before he even met her.  Yet in his small world, that one one was left in, that everyone had abandoned, she had suddenly appeared.

 

Corwin walked over and turned her around, a bit more roughly than he had planned.  Looking into her eyes, he wanted to apologize, but instead he gave her a passionate kiss that she had given him those weeks ago.  After moments though she pulled back and slapped him.  I told you that you need to choose what you want my Gaidin.  I wont be picked up and dropped at your pleasure.

 

And yet, she hadn't pulled away from him completely.  You tie me in absolute knots Eqwina.  You tell me I need to choose, yet sometimes I have no idea what it is you want.  Some days it seems you want a sword and shield only, and other days a lover.  You tell me to choose, but you need to as well.  I have not let a woman close to me emotionally in over a decade, and this companionship you ask for is something I thought could never happen again with me.  I know what my choice is, and I came here because of it.  If I merely wanted to be a sword and shield only, I would have never left when I found you were leaving with Arath.  If I only wanted that, I would have walked away from this conversation as soon as you were done talking.

[Eqwina]

Eqwina leaned into the kiss even while the rage inside her was boiling. It had been since Nevin that she had truly kissed a man purely for the pleasure, but with in seconds she pulled back and slapped him hard across the cheek.  “I told you that you need to choose what you want my Gaidin.  I wont be picked up and dropped at your pleasure.”

 

For some women his kiss would have been enough, but not for Eqwina. She wanted to hear him say the words, she wanted to hear him say that he needed her and wanted to be with her. She felt she deserved it after all that they had been through.

 

“You tie me in absolute knots Eqwina.  You tell me I need to choose, yet sometimes I have no idea what it is you want.  Some days it seems you want a sword and shield only, and other days a lover.  You tell me to choose, but you need to as well.  I have not let a woman close to me emotionally in over a decade, and this companionship you ask for is something I thought could never happen again with me.  I know what my choice is, and I came here because of it.  If I merely wanted to be a sword and shield only, I would have never left when I found you were leaving with Arath.  If I only wanted that, I would have walked away from this conversation as soon as you were done talking.”

 

His words were passionate and his solid grip on her arm reminded her of how frightening it could be to be held by someone that could crush you without blinking. She’d had Saidar so long that she feared very little, but right now she was afraid of the feelings burning inside her. “I made my choice as well Gaidin, when I could not watch you die. Death comes to everyone and I have dealt it often and without feeling. Even to people that I had once cause friends and yet when I saw the glazed look in your eye I knew fear.”

 

“I knew that if I let you die I would be alone again. I may speak with other Aes Sedai in the Tower everyday and teach novices and sit in the Hall of the Tower, but I have none that I can call friends. No on that knows me as you do, and no one else I could trust to tell. I want you Corwin…as my sword, my shield, my friend, and …” She couldn’t bring herself to say that she wanted him as a lover, but she did not hesitate so show the emotions. Eqwina did not know if she loved Corwin, but she knew that somehow, and by some strange miracle she had found a trusted friend, only time would tell the other.

 

Forgetting the clean dress that dangled from her hand she closed her eyes and kissed her Warder passionately. Feeling the thrill of heated emotions that passed between them. After so long in denial and fighting what they felt, she pulled back so she could see his eyes. “ We have a deal then Corwin.” She was a little breathless from their kiss. “No more fights and no more lies? I will be honest with you and you with me? I understand that from time to time things may flair up, but no more running away?”

 

[Corwin]

Corwin nodded his head.  But did that mean that he should tell her his feelings?  He had stayed closed for so long, was he truly ready for more than that? Sometimes he felt like he should express himself, but his emotions were so complicated it felt like.  After only a few moments though, Corwin knew it was time to come clean.  She had expressed so much, things that put a lot of trust in him, it was time for him to put trust in her.

 

I can't say I will be the best at being your friend Eqwina.  You have had lovers abandon you, but my abandonment was of friends to the point I lost hope in people.  I... I turned my back on people so long ago I can't say this will be a smooth ride as I begin to trust again.  Corwin didn't know if he wanted to add the next part, but when he saw the look in her eyes, he saw the appreciation toward his effort.  Not only that, but I don't know how to act toward you.  Like I said, sometimes you seem like you want more than a sword and shield, like you yourself said.  Only during those times when I can tell you want more than that sword and shield, I... well sometimes I was a friend, but at the same time, I want so much more.  Sometimes I...

 

Corwin couldn't get much further before the woman was kissing him again.  He knew that this was what he wanted deep down, but he had fought it so long.  On the road when he was traveling with her, while snowed-in in Arafel.  The woman had an effect on him he couldn't deny, no matter how long or how hard he tried.

 

Thoughts were pushed aside though as they finally revealed their true emotions toward each other.

[Eqwina]

She did not expect an over night transformation, or any miracles all she wanted was for him to try. She certainly was…since Nevin had died well over 30 years ago she worked to separate herself from the pain which led to her life serving the Dark Lord, and from that life no one could turn back. Eqwina was not sure she would want to if she could, she believed in her new master absolutely, but with Corwin she would be able to find some semblance of the life she used to know.  If she could manage to have even one friend, it would mean that she had not lost herself completely.

 

Sometimes I...

 

This was hard for him and she knew it, even the fact that he’d tried to admit the feelings he was struggling with was enough. She didn’t make him continue; she let her dress fall to the ground and set to regaining some part of a normal life.

 

They would never have a fairytale romance, and they may never be star crossed lovers or the emotional saps that walked around with their heads in the clouds spouting the wonders of love, but they both did find comfort in knowing that even they were not beyond basic human emotions.

 

Pulling on her dark green silk and doubling her hands up behind her back to do up the buttons she studied Corwin as he redressed. It was interesting to watch him openly and not have him accuse her of trying to trip him into bed, or yell at her for one reason or another. For a brief moment she almost regretted that there would not be as many fights. It had been exhilarating to yell at someone and not have them cower and flee. Viciously she ran over a list of comments about his ability at love making that would send him through the roof, but she felt like their new found peace was too new for even the mildest jokes. Plus, there truly had been nothing to complain about. “I am not sure how I am going to explain you to the others, or your sudden appearance. Do you have any bright ideas?”

[Corwin]

It had been so long, so long since he had truly been with a woman.  How appropriate it was Eqwina first after he had since gotten over Calliste.  As he was redressing he could feel the fresh marks on her back.  But he could ignore the stinging.  His scars were all old, so there was no threat of her bursting them open.

 

To her question, Corwin merely shook his head.  Nothing will recover things from you leaving without me.  I don't suppose she will bring it up though.  And her Gaidin will do nothing in front of you without his Aes Sedai's permission.  Not in relation to us at least.

 

As they journeyed back to the camp of the other Aes Sedai and her Gaidin, Corwin thought about things with her, and thought about his feelings for her building.  The real question was if things were going to continue beyond the previous night, or if this was going to become a regular thing.

 

Things were uneventful on the last leg of their journey,  was rather uneventful.  Eqwina would occasionally ride next to him and they would talk over a few things.  But over all, nothin came of it.  Perhaps they were both trying to figure out what was to come of recent events.  Corwin knew what he wanted from it all, but it was something that was going to be discussed in more seclusion and privacy.