Dealing With A Troubled Relationship

[DuDZiK]

 

It seems to me that a few people on this forum ask for advice regarding troubles they are having with a friendship or a relationship with a significant other.

 

Here is my basic points of advice that I always give:

 

1) Whether you have a problem with someone, or the person has a problem with you, you first need to ask yourself this basic question: "Do I want this relationship to continue?". This is not something you should just ask once, but something you should ask yourself whenever you encounter a problem in any relationship. To do this, examine the things you like about them and the things you don't like about them. Compare the two and decide if one outweighs the other. Now I can understand that even if you realize that you don't want the relationship to continue that, depending on the length and depth of your relationship, it can be difficult to end it. This question isn't something that is easy to ask yourself, and it's even harder to actually act upon and that's why you need to be VERY sure of your answer. I will also add that I would assume that very few circumstances would warrant ending a relationship. In all my life I have never had to do so, and I can only recall people I know having to do so a combined 3 times, and that’s keeping in mind all my friends over the years as well as my family, and stories I have heard.

 

2) Assuming you've decided that you do want the relationship, my next piece of advice is to go to the person in question. Go to them and say the following: "You are my friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/etc. and you are very important to me, and it pains me that we are having problems. I would greatly appreciate it if you would tell me the problems you are having and then help me to remedy them so that our relationship can be closer than it was before". You can add in some more personal language if you want to, but that basic message is very powerful, I have found.

 

3) This ties in with the previous point, but is a general piece of advice I would like to give for everyone to keep in mind whenever you are in a discussion with someone you have issues with. One thing my mother once told me when it comes to speaking with people you are having issues with is to use "I" messages. This means that you constantly refer to what you are feeling, what you think and so on and refrain from saying things like: "you did this, and you did that" because the person will then think that you are attacking them. By using "I" messages you will appear passive and they will also come to understand what you think/feel and may then be more willing to open up themselves.

 

4) Be open, be calm, and be honest. You'd be surprised how smoothly things go if you can be even only two of these three. The statement that people are sheep really is quite true, because people will sense your emotion and will emulate it when it comes to conflict. Notice how often it happens that when one person starts yelling the other one yells, and how often both people will stay calm. Very rarely you will see one person calm and honest and the other person yelling and insulting. People will have a hard time being angry at you if you yourself are acting calm, and are speaking openly and honestly and it will make them want to do the same, because they will then realize that you want things to work out. If you're angry at them all they'll think is that you are angry at them, and that you're showing no signs of wanting to remedy the issues the two of you may have. That's why, no matter how angry or frustrated you may be getting with the person you have to realize that railing at them will only serve to open the gulf between the two of you and isn't productive when it comes to fixing the problem. It's just immature, childish, and foolish and it will only make yourself look like the villain in everyone else's eyes.

 

5) You should understand above all else that you will have arguments and times when you feel anger towards even your closest friend. No one agrees with any other individual 100%, and unique circumstances will eventually cause one of those disagreements to escalate into something worse than it should be. But by keeping everything I have said thus far in mind, you should be able to keep things from escalating. To reiterate, because I can't stress this point enough, you should refrain as much as possible from taking things too seriously, and remember that there is magic in forgiveness. You will only meet a handful of people in your life who you could truly consider a friend, and there is a reason for that. The reason is that they agree most with your beliefs and/or personality. As such, you need to always appreciate how lucky you are to spend time with them, because with them you will have the best moments in your life, and they will help you through the toughest moments in your life. Beliefs in this world are fleeting, and your beliefs may change, but friends can and should last for your lifetime. Above all else you should keep that in mind.

 

That's it people. This advice is VERY basic, and contains mostly simple common sense. You can apply all of these to any relationship problems you may have with any person, and I can guarantee that by keeping these in mind you and your loved ones will be the better for it.

 

I should write a book... eat your heart out Dr. Phil

 

 

[Alys Kinch]

err, this goes right in line with the rest, but 2 simpler rules are to avoid criticizing things that can't be avoided. i can't help how tall i am, who my family is, that i'm a girl, etc. i hate your mom isn't a truely valid reason to dislike or even be mad at a friend or significant other.  aren't valid, never will be. why do people use them all the time?

 

the other is don't say i hate you. being extremely angry isn't hate. just say that you are so incredibly angry you feel like xxx. words come cheap but they are harder to brush off. think about what you are about to say and only say what you mean.