The Lonely Game [attn: Estel - Order of the Rose RP]

[Sirayn]

Ooc: Done via IM.

 

Late at night it might be but Sirayn was still fizzing with energy. A certain new project of hers held such promise that she did not grudge a moment of her time spent putting them into play. And tonight she had a new target for her schemes … a young Blue Sister, Estel Sedai. She liked to startle people by visiting them late in the evening; it had started some strange rumours, that was for certain, but the advantage she felt she gained from catching people off guard was worth it. Yet to her surprise, the woman who answered her knock looked less than her usual fiery self … in fact, one might call her pale and strained looking; as though she had her own problems behind the Aes Sedai composure. “I do apologise for visiting you so late Estel Sedai,†she moved smoothly into her usual speech, concealing any sign of startlement. “I have something to discuss with you if you don’t mind.â€

 

Wiping tears from here eyes Estel got up to open the door. Light, she was a mess. The emptiness she had felt before was replaced by a flood of agony. The breaking of the Bond was more than just a normal emotion, it was unduced by a loss of a part of one's self. That and Orion. Returning to the Tower, tugging Matthias' body after her, and lugging an already expanding belly holding their child, she had held on to what dignity she could muster and then had collapsed in her room. She was pale, her hair a mess, her eyes held bags and she couldn't stop sobbing. "Sirayn Sedai?" she said opening the door and bowing her head to attempt to wipe away more tears.

 

Dear Light, the child was weeping right in front of her. Sirayn contemplated this sight with careful composure, not certain whether to respond with scorn, if there was any excuse for being seen in a public corridor crying like an infant. Much like a shark scenting blood in the water, however, this sign of weakness raised every predator’s instinct she possessed. “Light Estel,†dropping the title she shifted with prudent speed into action, drawing Estel back into her own room as she closed the door behind them both, “has something happened?†Any fool could have guessed that something had happened but she judged the softly softly approach best for now. Her tone was full of deep concern. “Is there anything I can do to help?â€

 

Blood and ashes but she felt like a wreck. The old Sister's obvious concern only deepened her feeling that she did not deserve the shawl she had gone through so much to earn. She let Sirayn lead her back to her room, following mechanically. "I...I'm fine. I..." she took a deep breath wondering whether to add everything that had brough the headstrong young girl to this state. "I...just lost my Warder, that's all." she tried to fake a smile, failing miserably.

 

Those words stopped her cold. For an instant she couldn’t even remember why she had come here prepared to scheme, deceive and manipulate her way into this child’s confidences; couldn’t imagine why anything could be more important than the state of terrible grief and despair she remembered so very well. “I have also lost Warders.†Something very old and tired rang in her tone when she spoke that … but the next moment her innate ruthlessness asserted itself and she recovered her composure; becoming all ease and concern once more. “My condolences for your loss sister. Do sit down. I am here only to do what I can.â€

 

Gratitude, the first she had felt since time immemorable, which was in truth about a year, washed over her. She was not so alone anymore. There had been others who had gone through this! "Thank you, Sirayn Sedai. I'm afraid there's not much you can do, light but I'm a wreck. I apologize for you finding my this way." she sighed and placed her hand on her belly, just beginning to enlargen with the wieght of her child. "And my preganancy doesn't help."

 

Among all the revelations one could make to completely throw her plans awry the announcement of a pregnancy just about ranked at number one. Consternation ruled her briefly; dear Light but what had happened recently to reduce this woman to such a shambles? Did the Blue Ajah not guide its youngsters properly? She herself had her quirks but she certainly kept children under close observation for decades after they gained the shawl, until they gained the wit and experience not to get themselves into these kind of messes. Had she understood rightly that this girl’s career had already ended before it had even begun? At such a young age! Truly it was a tragedy particularly for one she had marked out as promising … but perhaps she could still find some purpose for the Blue Ajah’s disgraced child; and in this defenceless state surely Estel Sedai would not give her a moment’s trouble. “Tell me sister, how has this happened? How is it you are here, alone and grieving, openly carrying somebody’s child?â€

[Guest Estel]

She looked at the old Green, wondering what to say. Nothing she could say could justify what she had done, she was a disgrace. "It's his child- Matthias'." she said bitterly. Her heart had been torn so many times now, by so many people. "I've been... He went... I was going to Bond Orion, but then he went blind and..." she breathed fighting back tears. "We got into a fight about it after I Bonded Matthias- I couldn't have a blind Warder! I couldn't!"

 

Even as she said them the words were empty. Again she tried to justify herself, knowing she never could. So much of what she did she couldn't justify; her hate for Reds to begin the long list of truths she refused to see.

 

"But I coudln't forget him. What he said made me feel guilty. I tried...I slept..." Blood and ashes but the truth hurt. "I've been sleeping with Matthias, trying to forget what I did to Orion. I was going to shed the child, but days after I found out I carried it, he was..." Her voice cracked bearing pain from both the snapping of the Bond she herself had created between them, and the bond he had formed with her no matter how cold she had been with him after her fight with Orion.

 

"We were in the Borderlands, and we were attacked. He attempted to fight off the Shadowspan but there were too many. I..." this was as hard as any of the other painful memories. This was perhaps her greatest failing as a Sister. "I couldn't embrace the Power. It kept slipping from me. When I did..." it took her entire force of will to keep the tears at bay, and she wiped away the lone drop that escaped her will. "When I did it was too late."

 

She turned away, again. Pain, greater than any physical pain wracked her soul. She had forgotton to put the Aes Sedai before the woman and now she had come up lacking in both areas.

[Sirayn]

If there was anything Sirayn prided herself on these days it was keeping her composure despite great provocation. In the past few minutes she had just encountered several confounding variables, so named because the central syllable in confounding gave one a good impression of what they did to a situation, and thus it had become rather necessary rather fast to keep a smooth face while she figured out exactly what to do about it. Part of her wanted to snarl. How did anyone come to play such shallow games? Had the child no sense whatsoever? It did not speak well of the Blue Ajah that they had permitted this to come to pass; nor of the sister herself for any halfwit should have known better than to fool around with men unprotected. Clearly they had lowered the intelligence standard to reach Aes Sedai of late.

 

It was now up for question whether Estel Sedai would even be of use to her in her plans and briefly she considered merely communicating, in a suitably scathing way, how much contempt she had for these childish games and using that as her exit line ... but she had already made plans based on her success here and it seemed like a shame to cast away her intentions simply because a young Blue could not keep her skirt down. Besides, she of all people knew that careers could recover from even the most crushing of self inflicted blows, even the person's own rampant stupidity, and if she had positioned herself correctly perhaps she could manage to extract something of value from this mess of idiocy and mindless lust. Blind men, children and manipulation via sex: her mouth wanted to twist in scorn but again she kept her expression smooth.

 

"Sister, child," not her usual standards of subtlety but considering the desperate situation and her own silver tongue perhaps it would pass by, "you speak so openly of matters which, truly, you should keep to yourself for your own security. I sympathise with your loss," methodically she removed any trace of feeling from those words, she had lost agonisingly and in quick succession the only two Gaidin she had ever taken, "but you must think of yourself now ... and the baby. Are you not keeping this child a secret? If it had not been me who entered here ... somebody of malicious intent, maybe ... your baby could be in danger even now. And children are so very defenceless," ending on a whisper heavy with false concern.

 

A quick assessment, a measuring of risks, and she went a step further. "It must be so hard to think straight just now." Gentle and soothing her tone, inwardly she was quite proud of herself, given the general distastefulness of this situation. "The Green Ajah knows best of all what it is to lose a bond. The loss stays with you for years; some never truly recover. But you must think of your child first, sister. If you want to keep it, it must be protected from all those who would wish to harm it. From other Aes Sedai especially." If a grieving, desperate young mother to be did not jump at the chance to protect her baby she was a lot smarter than Sirayn gave her credit for. "Other sisters are a threat to you. You are in no condition to defend yourself against those schemes. But I am. I can shelter you and your baby somewhat, perhaps ... but you must not speak of your child to anyone else. That is as good as giving it into their hands."

[Guest Estel]

Estel was not stupid, at least not entirely, else she would never have made it to the shawl. But in her broken state, she was putty in the hands of anyone. She craved comfort, and Sirayn was offereing it.

 

She nodded fervently, hanging on to the much older Sister's every word. Since her fight with Orion, she had been so alone and now that Matthias too was gone, the hollow ache intensified. Sirayn provided a much-needed ointment, soothing her sorrow. Putty in the hands.

[Sirayn]

Burn her but this was going so smoothly it was downright suspicious. Not a whisper of complaint had the child raised; indeed, her audience seemed so rapt Sirayn suspected she could proclaim herself the Dragon Reborn and this one would merely nod eagerly. She had not expected rebellion as such ... at least not in so many words, many responded to her initial overtures with hostility, and she judged them all the better for it ... but this submission struck her as odd and deeply unnatural. How had any self respecting sister got herself into such a desperate state that she fell to even the most obvious manipulation? How could it not be obvious that quarry was being stalked here?

 

No matter, she supposed it only made her hunt all the simpler, although at least a spark of interest or life might be reassuring. It was rather like playing with a puppet where one had expected a living child. "You are wise to put yourself in my hands, sister." Feeling rather daring tonight, at least where so little response could be expected, Sirayn laid a hand soothingly on her quarry's narrow shoulder; a certain fragility beneath her grasp, the woman needed to take better care of herself, Sirayn would make certain of that if all went well; and took another step on the road toward her goal. "See, it is not the end of the world; we will solve these little difficulties together. Of course nothing can take away your loss ... nor should it, grieving is a good process ... but we can, at least, take care of your child and your future.

 

"Soon it will become obvious to everyone that you are carrying a child, if it has not already, and you must be protected from the results." Defending clueless children from the consequences of their own idiocy: this left a bitter taste in her mouth, she had always taken her penance with dignity. "If at all possible you should not remain in the Tower. I can shelter you somewhere safe if you have no place of your own to go. Once the baby comes," had to tread lightly here, for some reason the sensibilities of young mothers were rather sensitive when it came to ditching their children, "you must decide whether to raise it yourself or to pass it onto someone secure to do this task for you."

 

Her benevolent smile conveyed none of her own memories, hard as they were, which she did not permit to interfere in this little drama. "It is," swiftly she discarded nothing to be ashamed of, Light only knew it was shameful: substituted in, "only natural that on occasion these incidents happen ... you will not be the first sister to have secrets of this sort. But truly, if you ever wish to be of use to the Tower again, you should resign yourself to giving up this child. It can be used against you so easily; and you cannot give a child a proper raising while you have your own duties to attend to. Unless, that is, you were to give up the shawl and become a common woman."

 

Distaste on the words she let it be, nobody would expect her to be anything but disgusted at giving up Tar Valon for children. "It is not possible to be both a mother and a sister of our great cause. I have seen cases like yours before and all attempts to balance them end in ruin. It's the shawl or motherhood; you must choose and choose fast."

[Guest Estel]

Tears continued to leak from the corners of Estel's eyes. Everything the woman said was true- and in truch Estel might have seen it herself had she not been such an emotional wreck. She placed a hand on her belly, on her child- Matthias' child- and then gulped. "I'll leave for Bander Eban tommorrow evening and leave the child with my mother." The tears came harder now.

 

Then, Estel did what she would come ot realize much later would be the stupidest thing she ever did. She submitted completly to Sirayn's influence. As she drowned in the ocean of her own emotional issues, she grasped out at the nearest branch, struggling to remain afloat- Sirayn.

 

"Thank you Sirayn Sedai. If you are ever in need I swear that I'll do my best to help you."

[Sirayn]

Mother? Dark brows furrowed as she controlled her wincing. Inwardly she had always thought of this one as a child, it was impossible not to do so when the little sister seemed so helpless and in such difficulties, but it was still deeply disconcerting to realise how true that was. Her attempts to estimate how young the child truly was only unnerved her even more and she dropped the calculation immediately. Tonight she was set firmly in the role of a predator, clawing what advantage she could for herself from this disastrous mess, and it did not aid her at all to be thinking how young and soft and defenceless this one was at heart … how like her own children. No, she would not remember that; it did no good to even touch on such memories.

 

She herself could not remember a time when her mother had lived. That was back a hundred years ago, two hundred, far into the mists of time. Having been such a fool during her own less than starry youth did not make her any more inclined to remember, she had scarcely known the woman anyway, a penalty of a child’s idiocy. The Tower had not given her much of a family, that was for sure, and riven by quarrels and political difficulties, but she loved it as well as the family of her blood; those few folk now hiding in far off Heartswood in case retribution should come on them. Of course what she did put them in danger … that knowledge she lived with every day. It scarcely mattered any more.

 

As she had anticipated, as all her subtle and not so subtle maneuvrings had been toward … finally Estel Sedai spoke some words she had been waiting for: words to place herself irrevocably under the control of a foreign faction, a Green Ajah faction to be exact, and one that wished her no good at all. A slow, rather cold smile curled her mouth as Sirayn regarded the young woman thus at her mercy; asking herself what it was that made them different, what measure of cunning and cynicism had kept her free while Estel Sedai made herself quarry for any passing predator; but she did not comment, of course, better not to rouse any suspicions just yet. The child had yet to be drawn into her webs.

 

“Yes, of course you will,†murmured Sirayn with a benevolent smile; her surviving hand still resting on the child’s shoulder, touch and tone all so comforting. She was so good at this she unnerved even herself sometimes. "And these times are so dangerous, who knows when I may need your help myself ... once we have taken care of your child that is. You will do as I ask, won't you?" The seemingly casual words covered up a wealth of meaning and she lifted her brows inquiringly to signal that confirmation was required. If one distilled the Order of the Rose oaths to their essence, that was at the heart of it; the secrecy and the trust she could lay on afterward, once the person was at her mercy, but she had to be certain that when she commanded they would obey. She let a carefully calculated note of concern enter her voice, prompting for a definite response: "Won't you?"

[Guest Estel]

Sirayn's seemingly innocent question set off a tiny warning bell in Estel's mind. But the benevolent face... When the question was repeated Estel blinked and shook herself. "Yes, yes of course." she said wiping her eyes again.

 

She placed a hand over her belly again, her child would be safe now. She would be safe now. Light, maybe things would right themself now. Or was that just wishful thinking?

[Sirayn]

Something in her twisted to see how gently the child put a hand on her swelling belly. A mother’s desire to protect and preserve she knew most intimately; in fact, being the callous and cold hearted person she was, she had relied on it in order to guide the other deeper into her schemes … but the trap had shut now, the child had sealed herself to a cause so great she did not even know it at this moment, and it was too late to regret anything: particularly the ruthless manipulation that had gained such standing of late. Yet all the same Sirayn watched that gesture with grey eyes narrowed a fraction in some concealed feeling. For a moment she might have despised herself for the cheapness of this trick and for how utterly she had taken advantage of a youngster in a hopeless position.

 

But she had more pressing matters to deal with than the questionable ethics under which she operated. Leave the philosophy for the White Ajah, convince herself she did not need to worry about how many principles she broke in pursuit of success, and continue onward; the night’s round of meetings was scarcely begun and she had much to accomplish before dawn broke. Job done, having accomplished everything she had set out to do, her thoughts were already moving away from the sorry tale contained within these quarters. “Good. And some day you will have the opportunity to pay me back. But for now, little sister, I must leave you. Tomorrow you go to Bandar Eban and soon, very soon … all this will be over.†Smiling warmly, she let herself out and exited the Ajah Halls without so much as a glance back.