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The Power of Delusion [Watchers Spin-off] Attn: Annais

Guest Estel

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Why didn’t it all feel different?


The grass was still itchy against her exposed skin and her dress didn’t cover as much as it should have.  It didn’t particularly smell any better either.  Shouldn’t the Tar Valon grass smell sweet- maybe not as sweet as a rose, per say, but at least sweeter than it had back in that hell hole she had left behind.  Why didn’t it?  This stuff even made her nose run and eyes water like the other stuff had.  And if all the rest couldn’t be any different, why couldn’t the dirt at least taste better?  Tal Valon dirt; good fertile soil untainted by the blood of Sisters, Tower Guards, Warders and those beast who dared call themselves Guardians.


Her only consolation was that it wasn’t any worse.


Not that it could have gotten any worse, mind.  One just couldn’t best the emotional emptiness the unwanted connection left in its absence.  She should be celebrating the sudden break between her mind and that snivelling wretch of a... how could you call him a man?  How could you call any of them men after the horrors they had wrought for no other reason than they wore a black cloak in place of a shawl.  Light blind her soul, why couldn’t she dispel the vivid image of him weak and broken, begging her understanding the morn after the battle.  She had seen too much of her own self, torn apart by self-loathing and haunted by the disparagement of those who called themselves better, to ever be comfortable around him, let alone share an intimate connection that defiled her mind.


Blood and ashes, she had hated him with such a passion at the beginning.  Why did she have to weaken in her resolve enough to pity him?  Her ability to empathise sickened her and for all her self-righteous loathing she felt had felt herself understanding him- even when he had been... together... with his Sister.  His Sister?  The incest should have sickened her and yet it hadn’t!  Why?  Why?  Why?


The worst part was the fact that she grieved the loss of their Bond.


Tears turned the dirt around her face to mud and had she the corporal awareness that was numbed by the shock of the entire situation she might have noticed the mud caking around the deep gouges down her face while the salt stung in the bloody wounds.  Outwardly they were the only signs she was gravely wounded and they were only the after-effects of regaining consciousness with half her soul gone... missing... lost forever in that hell they called the Black Tower.  Estel couldn’t remember any particular thought process or the reason why she had clawed her own face to shreds.  Had she thought perhaps that by inflicting bodily pain upon herself she could somehow ease the excruciating emotional tearing?


She could end all this suffering; take the cowards way out and be done with it like she had tried before.  But for what?  To be remembered as Estel the Blue who accomplished nothing in her one hundred and ten years of life except to betray the only person who had ever tried to make her something more than a miserable failure?  For all her feigned indifference towards her peers’ views of her, she couldn’t stand to be remembered as the bitter, wasted woman who had spent more time nursing her grudges than actually doing what she had gone to the Tower to do.

Even above the emotional tearing, her biggest grief might have been the loss of her Cause.


There’s was nothing left to her.  Her Cause lay shattered in a single night by a severed hand and severed Bond.  If there was any kindness in the world at all, it was that her grandson hadn’t sawn Ged’s hand off until after she had lost consciousness and the Bond had been snapped in conjunction to his connection with saidin.  Monsters, every single one of them; ruled by a madness they could neither control nor avoid.  She had once thought she could help them but they were all too far past help.


So what was she to do?  Return to the Tower, find another Cause and try to forget this ever happened?  How could she?  Matthias’ death had been hard enough to put behind her and its poison still lingered driving a rift between herself and the only man she had ever trusted or wanted.  And this was a hundred times worse.


Was it either a life haunted by her memories or a coward’s end?


Sirayn’s cold face and disapproving grey eyes floated before her like a mirage.  They accused her of being weak, stupid and unworthy.  A tiny flame of anger arose, fighting against the grief that would blow it out.  If she was going to make an end of it, she would at least do her part to save the rest of the sisters trapped there.  That ought to prove Sirayn she hadn’t been a total waste.


Pushing herself to unsteady feet and suddenly conscious of how weak she was, the white monolith of the White Tower seemed blurry when her eyes tried to bring it in focus.  It was only a mile in the distance and with gently rolling hills her only obstacle, surely she could still make it.


Her first step brought her crashing back down to the dirt as her knees buckled.


Miserable, Estel had no strength to fight the oncoming darkness.



Orion was in as much of a frenzy as it was possible for him to be in. He could feel Estel vividly again, he could reach out and point to where she was full of pain and emotion enough that he refused to sit still any longer. She had left him for this fool of a mission when they had not been on the best of terms, but her absence had torn him apart the point that he was ready to ride to the ends of the earth to find her. He had tried before, but was refused the ability to go after Estel...refused to protect the woman he was bonded too. It grated on his nerves that for a reason he was not allowed to know Estel was going through pain and suffering while he was here in the Tower, but not for much longer.


Orion was quickly leading Tai'Shar from the stable in the Yards, using his years of experience and the horse’s intelligence to guide them out of the Yards. Even blind all he needed to see was the shining beacon of Estel's position to show him where to go. His lack of sight had never stopped him before and it would not now. Nobody said anything to him and Orion was all the better for it, his twin blades strapped upon his back and the look upon his face did not invite friendly calls or words of any kind from those around him.


It was still frustratingly slow going as he had to walk, again handicapped by his inability to see. He would not risk someone's harm riding through Tar Valon and relying on his ears and his horse, but as soon as he had escaped the confines of the city he had vaulted onto Tai'shar and was riding as fast as he dared. It was a strange type of dance riding upon a horse when you were blind, Orion had always been picky about his horses because he would let horse guide how they got to their destination while all he did was tell it where to go. And with Estel so close it was easy to point where, and digging his heels into the horse’s flanks he rode as quickly as he could. All animosity forgotten, only the worry and love he held for Estel his Bondmate drove him onward.


He slowed only when he was nearly next to Estel, could make out the faint noise of her footsteps, could feel the gouges in her face in his own through the bond. Orion threw a leg over the horse and landed at a run. "Estel!" He shouted as he got closer, only stopped to carefully throw his arms around her in an embrace, not caring when his own cheek felt warm from what was likely blood and not tears that he had felt before. "We should get you back to the Tower quickly, then maybe you can explain why you ran off without me." She seemed to collapse into his arms and Orion nearly carried her back to Tai'shar, lifting the two of them back into the saddle and turning back towards Tar Valon, too much a mix of gladness to have Estel back and worry for what had happened to create such a storm of pain and emptiness through the bond.



He’s coming.


Estel didn’t bother to look up to know it.  She could still feel him at least.  After so long apart, the ability to pick out specific emotions from him, instead of just a general direction, was a welcome relief.  Having been terrified that she would never see him again, she revelled in the worry and, most of all, the fervent love he sent back at her through the Bond.


Despite having left him behind because of a fight, all anger between them had vanished.  They had weathered worse storms than this and whatever happened, no matter what she did to hurt him, he would always be there.  He was her rock and the only sure thing she dared count on.


Pushing herself back to her feet, she forced herself to meet him standing at least.  If he could be strong still after everything she had put him through, then she would be too.  One foot in front of the other.  One step at a time.  Light blind her, she would not crawl!  One more step.


He practically tackled her to the ground in his haste to hold her.  She wouldn’t have cared if he had.  Collapsing into his strong body as she had done a hundred time before, Estel clung to her Warder like a drowning man to a piece of driftwood.  Cradled like a child, she could almost delude herself that if she buried her face in his neck and closed her eyes tight enough everything would just disappear and they’d be back in her room or else all the way back in Bander Eban before Faerthines had grown up, before this Light-forsaken mission and where even Sirayn could harass her.


How could she break it to him that she wanted to give up?


Losing all remaining remnants of strength and determination, she gave over to tears and another bout of unconsciousness.


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“Sirayn... I must see Sirayn.”


She didn’t have to open her eyes to recognize the edginess in the room.  It rolled off Orion in waves and the Yellows made a poor show of calmness and surety with their frantic whispers.


“The Amyrlin.  I need to see the Amyrlin.”


More whispers and nervous glancing around.  Something was wrong.  More wrong than even that ill-fated mission.  The Yellows seemed to be silently pleading with Orion whose irritation showed through the set of his jaw and clenched fists.


“You must rest Estel Sedai.  The Healing took much of your strength.” Said one of the younger Yellows, ill-at-ease.


“You Healed a few scratches on my face.  None of you can Heal my problems.  I need to see Sirayn, if it keeps you happy, make her come down here but I need... to... see... her!”


A staring competition ensued between the three Yellows and the Warder.  They weren’t telling her something.  Something about Sirayn.  What was it?  For the life of her, Estel couldn’t come up with any guesses as to why Sirayn Damodred wouldn’t want to see her after having escaped the bloody Black Tower.


Apparantly the youngest of the Yellows, the one who had spoken to her before, lost the competition and it was her that broke the news.  “Sirayn’s gone.”


Two words.  Two bloody words!  How could two words create a shock to nearly equal the sudden snapping of her Bond with Ged?  Sirayn gone?  It hardly seemed possible.  Two months previous, Estel would have been the first to give a whoop of joy to see manipulative ex-Green’s back.  From the time Estel was as green an Aes Sedai as could be, Sirayn had always been there to show up at the most inopportune times.  It had been Sirayn who had walked in between Estel and Orion’s big fight after she had Bonded Matthias.  Sirayn had been the first to come to Estel the night after returning to the Tower pregnant with Matthias’ child and lugging his corpse behind her.  It was Sirayn again who had given her the poster Rossa had drawn of her.  If Estel was fighting with a Red, there was only one Sister who could possibly show up- Sirayn.  Who else to lecture her about abandoning her son but Sirayn?  Sirayn gone?  The prospect seemed laughable.  Surely, if she did something stupid enough, Sirayn would be there to witness it with her disparagement.


“Wha... What do you mean gone!”


“She disappeared three days ago.”


A bare handful of days after seeing the doomed Watchers group off.


“She can’t be gone!  I need her!”  Whether she was pleading with the Yellows or the Creator, even she couldn’t tell.  How could Sirayn disappear the one, singular time Estel needed her?  “She’s in her office.  She has to be.”


The Yellows fussed over her, insisting she should stay in bed to rest but the deranged Blue would have none of it.  Ignoring them, she put a hand on Orion’s shoulder and lifted herself out of bed.  One foot in front of the other.  One step at a time.  One stair at a time. 


Nevertheless, Orion carried her up most of the stairs.  By the time she was at the top, she was in such a rush to see if it was really true that she simply burst through the door.  The Gray Keeper looked up at her, startled by the sudden appearance.


“What are you...”




“She’s gone.  Where have you been that you haven’t heard?”


‘To hell.’ but rather than answer aloud, Estel simply barged into what should have been Sirayn’s office.  All the books were there, all the usual trappings.  Hell, all the papers were there!  It looked as though Sirayn was simply out for some errand.  Surely she would rush back when she heard Estel had escaped the Black Tower.


“Get out of there!  Sirayn’s gone!”


Embracing saidar, Estel used Earth to melt the lock.  Kareja banged on the door but didn’t dare face a mentally unstable Sister, even of middle strength, on her own.


“She can’t be gone.  She just can’t.  Just go get her!  I need her!”

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"You really know when Estel Sedai is back in the Tower", a derisive voice spoke and the tone made Annais halt on her steps and turn to look at the two Accepted gossiping. She had heard something of Estel Liones having a drinking problem but that still gave no right to two children to be talking of a Sister in that manner. The name definately perked her curiousity for other reason too; she had found out that Estel was among the women the Hall had sent to the Black Tower and the Sitters were deeply worried about the mission as she Sisters had not reported back. She had to make sure that this girl had not mistaken.


"She was in the Infirmary and was half frantic about meeting Sirayn. Everyone knows that she is gone." Now Annais could place the girl's face. She was named Faola and aspired for the Yellow Ajah. She lacked the compassion for it though, despite being Talented in the field of Healing.


"Child, when you do not know all the facts, it is inappropriate to cast judgement. Report yourself to Darienna and repeat this conversation to her. She will find you a proper excercise to remind you in the future." Annais was already on her way again as she now had a new direction. Likely Estel would head to the Amyrlin's office if she was so intent on meeting the woman and in a bit irrational state. What in Light's name had happened on the mission? This was her chance to find out before the Yellows notified the Sitters.


As she got closer to the office of Sirayn, she heard knocking and recognised the voice of the Gray Keeper, Kareja, trying to persuade Estel to come out and repeat that she did not know where Mother was. A male voice that had to belong to Estel's Warder joined the chorus speaking soothing words. Annais took in the situation as the entered the anteroom and she noticed the destroyed lock. Frowning slightly she didn't feel like Kareja's approach was going to work. This wasn't quite like the woman but she was naturally distraught over Sirayn's disappearance and many Sitters hounding and blaming her for not knowing what had happened.


"Maybe I could help here, Kareja", she suggested and the other Gray turned to her seemingly greatful that someone else was relieving her of the responsibility. She turned to the Warder who stared back intensely but there was something strange about it... then she remembered that he was blind. "Master Orion, wasn't it? You must be worried about Estel but could you please let me try to speak with her first? I will leave her to your care then." He seemed to struggle with himself for a moment before nodding reluctantly.


Moving to the door, Annais studied the lock even as she called to the Sister inside. "Estel, this is Annais Nevell of the Gray Ajah. I am going to open the door now and come inside. I need to discuss with you about your mission. If you would rather have me call someone else... someone else than the Amyrlin Seat, I can do that too." As she begun to channel Earth and Fire on the edges of the lock to prepare cutting it off along the edges she kept talking in a calm voice. "Why are you so insistent on seeing exactly Mother? Why didn't you go to your own Ajah Sisters?"


Annais Nevell

Gray Sister

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The voice outside were less than nothing.  They could have been part of an alternate reality to the patient waiting game Estel was playing.  Any moment Sirayn would come bursting through the door, her cold grey eyes measuring Estel’s inability to meet expectations.  But for just this once, the Amyrlin could lecture her on everything from proper decorum to her failure as a mother and she wouldn’t have cared less.  All she wanted right now was to get this out of her; win herself one final success and be finished with everything.  Glancing towards the window overlooking the Tar Valon skyline, she decided that it would make an ideal end.


An unfamiliar voice cut through the buzz of pounding and pleading from the other side of the door.  Why were they playing games with her?  Why did they have to make this worse than it already was?  All she wanted was to talk to Sirayn and then throw herself off the nearest tower.  Why didn’t they understand?


“I don’t care who you are.  I don’t want to talk to anyone except Sirayn!  Where is she?  Light damn the woman, I escape and am left waiting like a Novice, kicking my heels.  Get... me... Sirayn!  Why can’t you understand that?  I just want to finish this...”  She couldn’t keep it together it together any longer; not to save her own marred reputation, not to meet Aes Sedai decorum, net even to save herself from Sirayn’s sneers.  The shock of waking up and expecting a pulsing knot of self-loathing, anger, frustration and insanity only to find it suddenly gone had still not worn off even after the few hours since she had left the Black Tower.  Gone.  She should be happy!  She should celebrate!  But even Orion’s worried Bond mocked the absence of the other.  Gone!


“WHERE’S SIRAYN!!” her focus and sanity was crumbling the longer she tried to hold onto it.  “GET HER HERE NOW!!”


They were all there again, in the room Faile, Ged and that mad bastard Linten.  It had all happened so quickly, one minute Ged was advancing on Linten, a seething ball of righteous fury, the next he was gone!  The shock had been so sharp, leaving her mind as empty as an ocean was full.  She had thought losing Matthias had been bad; feeling his body burn to death before his life finally winked out of existence and his presence took a piece of her with him.  This was a hundred times worse.  Linten had saved her from Ged’s beating and the loss of his hand, but she had felt his connection with saidin sawed apart.  Every now and again she would check her own connection to the One Power, fearing she too had been cut off from the Source for eternity.


“I can’t take this anymore.  Can’t... fight it.  Damn you Sirayn, I can’t hold on.  Just... let me... do this last thing.  I’ll make an end.  You won’t... have to deal with my... failures again.  Just... come... so I can... end this...”


Her fit had her bawling on the ground like a cripple bereft of his crutches and unable to walk.  The chair she had been sitting in lay toppled beside her and every time she writhed on the ground as if trying to escape some invisible tormentor she would hit it against the desk.  A pile of fallen papers littered the ground around the chair, as scattered as Estel’s wits. She’d have tried to scream at them again to get Sirayn, but her voice was hoarse and all she managed was a croak before breaking down into a sobbing wreck once more.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Estel replied and her voice was rising in pitch and she sounded completely out of control. Her words about escape perked Annais up especially. What kind of a situation must she have been to refer it to that? She didn't want to jump into conclusions but images of Shaneevae and Maegan captive of blackcloaked ominous figures flashed in her mind's eye. By the time the woman inside started screaming for Sirayn again, she had increased the flow of Saidar into herself and the lock and in a mere moment she was able to push the melted metal away from the door and let herself into the Amyrlin's office.


Estel looked like she had been siezed by some kind of a fit laying on the floor and trashing occasionally as if to avoid someone unseen. Annais truly feared for her sanity and Estel had at least damaged her voice as she couldn't get out more than a croak before bursting into wrecking tears again. She was no expert solacer but Annais sat promptly on top of the scattered papers beside her and wrapped her arms around Estel firmly. "Shush now. All will be well no matter how it feels right now. You can help your Sisters who left with you. You just need to calm down and tell me what happened. We will then take care of the rest. You don't have to worry, Estel."


She Delved the miserable Blue and found nothing else wrong physically but her throat which she Healed while holding Estel gently as she gasped in its throes. "Time will heal the rest. You will see", Annais whispered. "It will help you to get it all out. The Black Tower, you were sent there, yes? Why didn't you report back? Were you caught?"


Annais Nevell

Gray Sister

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Arms wrapped around her, Estel cuddled into the embrace gladly but persisted in rocking back and forth.  Truth be told, the feeling of being held hardly registered to her mind and certainly not enough for it to wonder who the unfamiliar woman was.  With the state she was in, it was unlikely Estel would have recognized even Sirayn had the woman walked through the door demanding to know what happened.  Her mind was stuck on creating a reality where Sirayn was still in the Tower and would come to see her any moment.


“Sirayn will fix it...  Sirayn will fix it...  Need Sirayn...  Need to get them out!  Get them out!”  Her newly Healed voice screeched just as loud as it had back at the Black Tower.  “All mad... All mad...  Fix it, Sirayn!  Sirayn!  Dissolving into a puddle of tears, she resumed rocking back and forth, muttering “mad... mad...mad...”


With no warning whatsoever, the deranged Blue pushed herself away from Annais.  With fervour and strength built from adrenaline, she threw herself towards the nearest window.  Automatically surrendering to saidar, a flow of Air sent hundred year-old stained glass hurtling towards the city below.  “It’s too much!” she screamed at the housetops of Tar Valon as if Sirayn Simeone might somehow be hiding there and would hear.  “I can’t hold on any longer.”  With a final sob, she hoisted herself up on the windowsill.

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Estel's Healed voice rose and babbled words Annais could not understand. Get who out? Her Sisters in the Black Tower as al'Tanin called the organisation he had found? All men there were mad? Cold fingers of fear closed around her heart and she really feared for the sanity of her Sister as Estel begin to sob again and repeated the word mad. She was startled enough to fly her hand over her racing heart when Estel sprung up and destroyed the ancient glass window. Light, she was going to jump.


Annais was half afraid that the Blue Sister would attack her with the One Power in her confused state but she had to be stopped. She wrapped Estel to as strong binds of Air as she could and pulled her back into the room. She would not let the woman go until she could be certain that she would not hurt herself or others. "Release Saidar this instant, Sister!", her voice boomed. But Estel didn't let go and kept screeching and sobbing. Finally Annais saw no other alternative but to close the distance between them and grab the other Sister's face and make her fall asleep. She prayed that the slumber would restore some of Estel's wits.


She called Orion to carry his Bondholder to her quarters and followed the pair. She wasn't going to let the Blue out of her sight and even if it would likely alarm Estel when she woke up Shielded, she had shown that she acted unreliably and dangerously and she could not be trusted with Saidar yet. Annais didn't have the heart to send the Warder away so he stayed there and waited with her like a spring coiled to jump. There had to be quite an emotional turmoil going on in his mind and the Gray didn't want to subject him to questions now. She tried to keep her own nerves under control by picking up a book and forcing herself to read and focus on the text.


She was worried that Sitters would burst into the room any moment but no one came by the time Estel begun to stir. Annais was beside the bed in an instant. "Estel, you are in the White Tower now and you are safe. Stay calm. How are you feeling?"


Annais Nevell

Gray Sister

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She woke in a daze.  It was her own bed under her and her own room around her.  Apparently the last two weeks of hell really were just some particularly awful nightmare... so why was she crying?  Her cheeks seemed to know tears better than smiles.


Opening bleary eyes, she looked up to find Orion staring down at her, hand in hand, worry and alarm chewing at their Bond.  A familiar woman’s voice piped up from the other side of the bed.  After staring silently for a moment, memories slowly dawned on Estel.  Being restrained, trying to throw herself out the window, screaming for Sirayn, they all flashed through her mind in bits and pieces jumbled together as if chronology no longer held any meaning with her brain.  If anything, more of the memories came back backwards rather than forwards.


It wasn’t all just a nightmare then... just wishful thinking.  Light, that meant they were all still stuck at the Black Tower.  The emptiness in her mind was oppressive and the longing to escape rose again.  Looking around the room, it would be impossible for her to reach her balcony before the other Sister... Annais? would stop her.  Besides, whatever happened she had to pass the information along or the others would never get out.


“Sirayn?”  Somewhere in the back of her mind, she remembered being told the Amyrlin had disappeared.  One final confirmation was all she needed.




Blue Sister

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Had the woman even heard her? At least she didn't acknowledge her and her words in any way. But Estel was their only hope of finding out what had happened in the Black Tower and where where the other Sisters. Two of whom included dear friends of Annais. Maegan and Shaneevae, please let them be alright. No matter how long it would take to wring the information out of the deranged Blue, Annais would not move from her side until she had succeeded. It seemed that Estel didn't even remember that Sirayn was gone but the Gray swallowed her sigh.


"The Amyrlin Seat was found missing a few weeks ago. There were no signs of struggle but she had also not taken any things with her. No one knows what has happened but we are all praying for the best."


"Estel, what happened in the Black Tower? You are the only one who knows, the only one who can help the rest of the Sisters who left with you. Be strong now and tell me everything."


Annais Nevell

Gray Sister

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She sunk back down onto the pillows and closed her eyes.  For fifty years she would have given everything to make that infuriating little Green go away.  She’d even taken matters into her own hands once without success.  And yet somewhere along the line Sirayn had become her constant.  Whenever she screwed up, it was Sirayn who took the pleasure in telling her so.  Even so, through it all and after every failure, the tiny Sister had never abandoned her until now.  Now when she needed her most.


“They cut off his hand.”  Something between a laugh and a sob escaped her mouth.  “My own grandson did it.  Cut off his hand and beat him to a pulp.  But I never felt any of it, thank the Light.  That was after...” she shuddered.  Whether or not she was actually relating the story to Annais or simply reciting it for someone... anyone to hear was something her confused mind didn’t really dwell on.  “After the Bond snapped.”



The gruesome story begun to spill out from Estel but it didn't make much sense yet. But Annais listened patiently nonetheless. A time for questions would come. Whose hand had been cut off? The woman had a grandson in the Black Tower? Most unexpected. Why would Estel have felt any of it? A Bond.... Estel had Bonded one of them? Unlikely so it had to be the other way around. She felt sick. The thought was frightening, to have such an intimate connection to a male channeller doomed to go mad. A forced connection. It was worse than a rape.


"Someone Bonded you?” she whispered weakly. "And then he was killed? Why didn't you feel it? And did the same happen to the other Sisters."



The questions barely registered in her mind other than as encouragement to go on.  Her voice and manner were feverish, and the story here and there with no care for chronology.  “Damn you Ged!  Damn you!  I don’t want to grieve for you too.  Don’t want you back in my head.”  Sobs wracked her body momentarily and any attempted words were incomprehensible.  Not that Annais would have cared much for the string of curses she reeled off.


As grief and pain slowly made its way to anger, the story started up again but at the beginning.  “I hate you.  I hate you.  I hate you.  I’m happy you’re suffering you bastard.  Hated you since the beginning.  I Healed you and saved your bloody life and this is how you repay me?  Leaving me like this?  Could have had the decency to end it properly like you wanted to after the battle.  Should have let you die there, the Bond snapped anyway.


“Light.  All the bodies.  Nearly a hundred dead all told, and for what?  Captivity!  Forced Bonds!  Muirenn Stilled.  Three Sisters dead.  All the Tower Guards and Warders massacred.  At least we took down their lot with us.” she cackled.

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