WoT Parody Dump (books-centric)

[androlf]

The Land of the Rising Sun (Parody of The House of the Rising Sun)

A parody of The House of the Rising Sun (as popularized by The Animals) as written by Thom Merrilin.

There is a land called Cairhien
They call the Rising Sun
And it’s been the ruin of many a poor man
And Light, I know I’m one

 

Dena was a gleewoman
She met Halen’s grandson
Then went to fetch knives from Ivon
Down in Cairhien

 

Now the only thing this gleeman needs
Is a knife and a pawn
And the only thing that will satisfy
Is the fall of Galldrian

 

Oh, mother, tell your children
Not to do what I have done
Spend your lives free of Daes Dae’mar
and land of the Rising Sun.

 

Well, I got one hand on the ship’s rail
My feet hanging down the stern
I’m goin’ back to Caemlyn town
To see what time has earned.

 

Well, there is a land called Cairhien
They call the Rising Sun
And it’s been the ruin of many a poor man
And Light, I know I’m one

[androlf]

The Cardslayers (Parody of The Cardplayers)

A parody of The Cardplayers by Corb Lund as written by Mat Cauthon.

Well, I guess I should not have mentioned Aielmen.
These Tairens don’t like their fear.
I had better tell some tale to amuse them.
Bain kissed at the point of a spear.
 

And if I thought that danger like this came from card games
I’d show up less often ‘round here.
I must say Rand’s a madman; he’s really quite crazy.
I’ll saddle Pips and depart Tear.

 

But I’d sure like to know what they’d say through that doorway.
Those answers were clearly too few!
Escape failed to include in three Finnish requests.
But fools sometimes get lucky too.
Fools, they get lucky, and I guess I must be a fool.
Fools, they get lucky, and I guess I must be one too.

 

Glances have been made by “respectable” locals.
At the rolls of my usual kind.
A less savory inn filled with merchants and cutpurses
You would be hard-pressed to find.
Players like that could kill a man quickly.
I’ll pay for their drink and their fun.
 

My luck should give coin back in the interest of safety
In loss I see luck, but not Tuon.

And I’d sure like to know what became of that merchant.
He left without getting his due.
What toughs failed to account for in their agitations
Is that fools sometimes get lucky too.
Fools, they get lucky, and I guess I must be a fool
Fools, they get lucky, and I guess I must be one too

 

The gleeman, he says that his wits as a grey-bearded performer may be impinged.
Tuon thinks she’s entitled to command by sovereignty, birthright, and citizenship.
Did these toughs attack because we showed too much gold coin?
Vane’s presence a story does tell.
Well, at least all this violence, death, and destruction sold this inn to Tuon - not a hell.

Fools, they get lucky, and I guess I must be a fool
Fools, they get lucky, and I guess I must be one too
Yeah, fools, they get lucky, and I guess I must be one too

[androlf]

Void of Colours (Parody of Hoist the Colours)

A parody of Hoist the Colours by Hans Zimmer (and performed by Bobby Bass et al) as written by the Shadow.

Elaida’s a wreck
Stole the stole from Siuan’s neck
Unbound her from her Oaths
The Tower is ours
And by His power
The Blue they all will loath

 

Hear ye, all lands
Raise six colors high
Red, White, Grey, and Yellow
Green and Brown shall vie

 

Now some have died
And some are alive
And others with Logain flee
With Domani to sway
And the Captain to pay
They will Salidar see.

 

Hear ye, all lands
The Council wields their might
Black souls, thieves, and killers
Never shall they die

Thirteen, all together
Raise the chaos high
Black souls, thieves, and killers
Never shall they die

 

Chosen are raised
From their Ghuly grave
Do you hear blood’s sepulchral tone?
It calls to all
We must Lews stall
And turn raven sails from home

 

Hear ye, all lands
Let no Darkfriend be shy
Shadowsouled, hounds, and beggars
Never shall we die

 

Let us. Fight. Each other.
Raise the selfishness high
Burn our souls to cinder
Never shall we die

[androlf]

Winternight (Parody of Silent Night)

A parody of Silent Night by Joseph Mohr as written by someone recounting some of the events of the final years of the Third Age.

Silent night. Winternight.
Gone the calm, come the fright.
Run, young virgin, father, and horse.
Let not fever take its course
Trudge to the Winespring Inn.
Trudge to the Winespring Inn.

Silent night. Winternight.
Shepherds quake at the sight
Glorious stories of Manetheren.
Gone two girls and five good men.
Flee for your life; don’t cease!
Flee for your life; don’t cease!

 

Silent night, Winternight.
Lews reborn, eyes abright.
Radiant webs from thy affixed Lace
Come with Dawn, a power base
Gitara, dead at thy birth!
Gitara, dead at thy birth!

Edited 1 hour ago by androlf

[androlf]

Much Too Hasty (Parody of White & Nerdy)

A parody of Ridin’ by Chamillionaire and White & Nerdy by Weird Al Yankovic as written by Loial son of Arent son of Halan.

They see me leavin’
the steddin’
I know they’re all thinking
I am much too hasty

 

Thinkin’ that I’m much too hasty
Thinkin’ that I’m much too hasty
Can’t you see I’m much too hasty?
Look at me I’m much too hasty

 

I wanna go with
ta’veren
But I hope they don’t think
that I’m too huge and hasty

 

Think I’m just too huge and hasty
Think I’m just too huge and hasty
I’m just too huge and hasty
Really, really huge and hasty

 

Left stedding Shangtai the world to see
Got skills, I’m best for singing a tree
In the groves it is best to be
Keep your Eye, I’ll just see the Man Green

 

My name never lies to the contrary
You’ll find my friendship stationary
Never duplicated by old Terry
Artur Hawkwing‘s in my library

 

My axe handle’s all totally stretched out
Elder Haman begged me to pay attention
For Erith I have undying passion
Praising her ears is my distraction

 

Don’t have the Longing, no; no, there’s no malaise
I’m a whiz with All the Things; I even know the Ways
Once you see my sweet moves you’re gonna stay amazed
Long legs movin’ so fast, I’ll win every race

 

There’s no killer book I haven’t read
Inn Remen finally had a bed
Help make all the Myrddraal dead
Ain’t that old but Stump heard what I said

 

You know treesinging is my theme song
In a game of stones you’ll surely be gone
I’ll ace any trivia quiz you bring on
 

I’m well-versed in loyalty; but less so Tuon

They see my eyebrows
a-droopin’
I know in my heart they think I’m
Tall and hasty

 

Think I’m just too tall and hasty
Think I’m just too tall and hasty
Can’t you see I’m tall and hasty?
Look at me! I’m tall and hasty

 

I went west with
friend Perrin
Therefore it’s apparent I’m too
Rash and hasty

 

Think I’m just too rash and hasty
Think I’m just too rash and hasty
I’m just too rash and hasty
How’d I get so rash and hasty?

 

I’ve been meeting, inspectin’
Ta’veren friends who won’t answer a question
Still, when in danger, I must protect ‘em
Goin’ back homeward; that’d leave me bored

 

Alerting stedding by Traveling with Karldin
after Rand al’Thor reunites with Min
I know all the arcania really well
I can recite it right now; have you dumbstruck for a spell

 

Wanna visit all the grove sites (grove sites)
When my friends need some help who do they call?
I do everything for them all
Get as many thank-you’s as a dog

 

Oh, self-pity’s not my tack
Now returning to the tone of this rap
Watch out for that north winter sap Pop! Pop!
Now this verse is kinda creaky

 

I’m hasty in the extreme
Taller than the ceiling beam
I was in big book club and tree club
And even the race team!

 

Life on the road can get kinda hard
When my new friends have lost their bard
I walk into town and get all the stares
Me and Trollocs sure are no pair

 

They see me hackin’
They dyin’
And losing their lives ‘cause
I’m so Big ‘N Hasty

 

Just because I’m Big ‘N Hasty
Just because I’m Big ‘N Hasty
All because I’m Big ‘N Hasty
Holy Wheel I’m Big ‘N Hasty

 

I wanna write with
the scholars
But oh well it’s obvious I’m
much too hasty

 

Thinkin’ that I’m much too hasty
Thinkin’ that I’m much too hasty
I’m just too rash and hasty
Look at me I’m much too hasty!

[androlf]

Shepherd’s Paradise (Parody of Amish Paradise)

A parody of Gangsta Paradise by Coolio and Amish Paradise by Weird Al Yankovic as written by Rand al’Thor.

As I look through the valley of Tarwin’s Gap
Eye spy the Shadow force and see a horde of saps
And that’s just perfect for a Dragon like me
You know, I kill Shadowspawn with much alacrity

 

At four thirty in the morning, I’m shearing sheep
Papa Tam mends the fences and Bela plows… fool
And I’ve been shearin’ and plowin’ so long that
Pretty Egwene al’Vere thinks my mind is wool

 

Perrin’s a man of the land, he’s into discipline
Got a Faile on his lap and a beard on his chin
But if we finish all of our chores and you finish thine
Then tonight we’re gonna party like it’s flaming Bel Tine

 

We been spending most our lives
Living in a shepherd’s paradise
I’ve Flamed the Void once or twice
Living in a shepherd’s paradise

 

It’s hard work and sacrifice
Living in a shepherd’s paradise
We sell wool at mulehead price
Living in a shepherd’s paradise

 

A local boy loosed a badger on the green last week
I just smiled at him ‘cause it’s mischief that he seeks
I don’t really care, but I do wish him well
‘Cause I’ll be laughing my head off when Wisdom’s ringing his bell

 

Mat hadn’t never killed a girl even if she deserved it
The scamp harmin’ women? You know that’s unheard of!
He bought a cool hat that he’ll never misplace
And his rapist loves to say he really looks good in lace… fool

 

If you come to conquer, you’ll be beaten to tears
We haven’t even seen a taxman in 200 years
‘Cause we ain’t Andormen, so please don’t try and scare
We’re not courageously impaired

 

There’s no Guards, no Friends, no fireworks
Not a single luxury
Unlike Farstrider
It’s as pastoral as can be

 

We been spending most our lives
Living in a shepherd’s paradise
We’re just plain and simple guys
Living in a shepherd’s paradise

 

There’s no time for sin and vice
Living in a shepherd’s paradise
We don’t fight, but shoot real nice
Living in a shepherd’s paradise

 

Cleanin’ up saidin, my half of the Power
With the Choedan Kal, hour after hour
Everybody’s fightin’, but half of them ain’t tryin’
It’s going down to the Logoth, while the Chosen dyin’

 

They said I had to learn, but was nobody here to teach me
If the birds and fish can’t work, how can they reach me?
I guess they can’t; I guess they won’t
I guess they knelt, that’s how they know Asha’man are GOATs, fool

 

Couldn’t spend all our lives
Living in a shepherd’s paradise
We’re crazy Manetheren
Living in a shepherd’s paradise
 

It’s all copse and Winternight
Living in a shepherd’s paradise
But Matrim thinks it bites
Living in a shepherd’s paradise

[androlf]

Light Have Mercy on a Shepherd Boy (v1)

A parody of Lord Have Mercy on a Country Boy by Josh Turner as written by Rand al’Thor.

Well, I grew up calm and free
Growin’ tabac and shearing wool from sheep
There wasn’t no place I couldn’t go
With Mat and Perrin or my lonesome soul

 

Well, I came to the city yet don’t fit in
You know, it’s a pity the shape I’m in
But I can’t go home and I have no choice
Oh, Light, have mercy on a shepherd boy

 

When he was young, Father muttered so
I was born after battle in the bloody snow
Moiraine was young and Accepted then
Chasing down child tales and Warder-bonding Lan

 

Well, I conquered the city yet don’t fit in
You know, it’s a pity the shape I’m in
But I can’t go home and I have no choice
Oh, Light, have mercy on a shepherd boy

 

Well, they went to the village; their farms did flee
They cut down the fences and the closest trees
There’s some tiled roofs and a Domani shop
And now the Two Rivers are all Perrin‘s lot

 

Well, I reign in the city yet don’t fit in
You know, it’s a pity the shape I’m in
But I can’t go home and I have no choice
Oh, Light, have mercy on a shepherd boy

[androlf]

Light Have Mercy on a Shepherd Boy (v2)

Well, I grew up tall and free

Roamin’ Sand Hills and the Westwood trees

There wasn't no place I couldn't go

With my stones and my sling and my yew-wood bow

 

Now I roam through the cities but don't fit in

You know, it's a pity the shape I'm in

But I can’t go home and I got no choice

Oh, Light, have mercy on a shepherd boy

 

When I was young, I remember well

I’d sheer sheep north of Manetherendrelle

The river was clearly the frontier back then

With no strangers staying in the Winespring inn

 

Now I rule in the city but don't fit in

You know, it's a pity the shape I'm in

But I can’t go home and I got no choice

Oh, Light, have mercy on a shepherd boy

 

Well, they left their farms, forsook their fields

They watched them burned and despaired for yields

There's some slated roofs with no thatcher sought

And now the whole village is walled like a motte

 

Well, I reign in the cities but don't fit in

You know, it's a pity the shape I'm in

But I can’t go home and I got no choice

Oh, Light, have mercy on a shepherd boy