The start of a journey

[Rasheta Ardashir]

Rasheta was writing a letter, or she was trying to. She was a little worried about Visar, he had told her that he would protect her and that he would work toward taking the blademaster test. She had watched him closer since then and he had become a little more withdrawn from her as time went on. She had no idea why, and that frustrated her. He came to her when she needed him but mostly he stayed in the barracks these days. She leaned back in her chair and sighed, she was not going to get anything done thinking about her warder so she may as well talk to him about it. She grabbed some paper and wrote quickly.

 

Visar~

You are summoned to your Aes Sedai.

 

Rasheta left the note at that and went to the door she found someone to carry it for her and sent them off. She went back to her table and started thinking about Kathleen and how the other would be leaving soon. Kathleen was going to be going out by herself. Rasheta hoped Kathleen had an easy time of her mission. Although she supposed Greens seldom did. She looked up as Visar came into the room. She watched him for a moment and then said.

 

"What is wrong, you have become more distant since we talked last? If I am to leave the tower again you need to be more focused."

[Visar Falmaien]

Failed. He had failed the blademaster test (ooc: to be completed in another rp lol yeah this is out of order). He was not worthy of the rank. What was worse, he couldn't find the motivation to do anything productive. How could he do well as Rasheta Sedai's Warder when he had failed to live up to his word? He had said he would become a blademaster. And that was just as good as a promise which he had now broken. The Council summoned had already left, and there was little hope for getting five blademasters together again any time soon.

 

Visar sighed and looked out the window at the yards. Life went on there, trainees, guardsmen and warders practicing diligently, even though he didn't particularly feel like joining it today. Light! He didn't feel like doing anything today. He felt completely out of sorts and he knew it. And he had a feeling that She knew it too.

 

Sure enough, it was not much longer before an irritating knock came on the door. A knock of someone running an errand for an Aes Sedai, who could not be refused.

 

"Yes? Enter." Visar said gruffly, getting to his feet. Feeling physically exhausted and beaten up didn't help his mental strain either, and he grunted in pain.

 

"This for you, Gaidin." the messenger said politely enough, and handed him a letter. Visar blinked at it in his hands. It was Rasheta's seal.

 

"Really? You have to send me a written message? You can't just do your bond "come here!" thing?" he muttered exasperated as he found a pen knife and opened it.

 

Visar~

You are summoned to your Aes Sedai.

 

Visar frowned and shook his head. Typical. Ordering him around. Not that he didn't usually follow in an instant but that was because he was used to doing that. These days, he wished he didn't have to. At all. He looked back out over the yard, and saw it in a new light. Not as a place for freedom, but one that restricted it. That told you you had to be better and better, and told you not to do this or that. It was almost like there were cage bars outlining the Tower Ground walls. . .

 

At least he felt like that. He glanced at the message again. And it was time he said something. He couldn't sulk and pretend he wasn't happy forever. Better to be honest about it and get it over with. Even though Visar realized that he was afraid of what would happen. Who would he be without the Tower? Why would he even be thinking about this? Wasn't that wrong?

 

He fought with himself over it while he marched over to the Tower. Then it was up an absurd number of stairs, and finally to the Green apartments. He opened her door without knocking; he knew she was expecting him. Why bother with the formality of politeness?

 

"What is wrong, you have become more distant since we talked last? If I am to leave the tower again you need to be more focused."

 

One thing he did like about Rasheta; she went straight to the heart of things and didn't mess around with small talk. Blood and Ashes, this is not going to get pretty, he thought. It was time to do it though.

 

"It's always about focus, isn't it? You think I haven't been focused? Trying to become better at protecting you? And what does it get me? Cuts and bruises and nothing else! I am not worthy of a heron mark; I am not worthy of being "focused" enough! I feel like I can never focus on what I want to; like the Tower and everything else closes around it like a prison. It's all about protecting you, keeping you safe. You can handle yourself just fine! When have I had to protect you in this cell of a room you stay in all the time? What about me? What do I get out of this?" Visar's voice started rising instinctively until it was almost a shout. He realized he was becoming angry, for almost no reason. Rasheta was concerned, and rightly so.

 

Fine, I'll say it if you won't, he resolved. He took hold of a chair to steady himself, took a few breaths. Even when he said it though, he immediately regretted it.

 

"This bond chafes me. I want out." His voice cracked slightly on the word 'out', and he winced, stealing himself for the storm.

[Rasheta Ardashir]

When have I had to protect you in this cell of a room you stay in all the time? What about me? What do I get out of this?"

 

She flinched when he said that, it was true she hadn't left the room in a long time. She couldn't she was still stuck in the tower because of her sitter duties. She was also trying not to leave without Dante, but now she realized maybe leaving would have served a purpose. She stood up and was going to speak but Visar was not done. His next words shook her up.

 

"This bond chafes me. I want out."

 

Rasheta stared at him in shock. She'd never had a warder want to leave her, especially one who had asked her to bond him. Everything he'd said till just then left her head and she could only stare. She had stood up when he was saying whatever it was he had said before the last, now she sat down hard. What could have possibly brought on this sudden change in mood? She took several deep breathes to study her nerves. After the initial shock came both sadness and anger. She spoke in a soft voice.

 

"You want out? You were the one who came to me and asked me to bond you." She watched him flinch when she said that. She was hurt by his statement but she made her best effort not to show it and changed the subject.

 

"If you did not get the Heron then you must not be as good as you thought you were. That is not my fault, nor should you be angry with me for not being able to make it the first time." She was raising her voice now. "Try again if you can't do it the first time." She took several deep breathes and continued more calmly. "I could send you away for a time if you are so anxious to be out of my sight." Kathleen's venture sprang to mind and it was possible Kat would consent to allowing Visar to protect her along the way.

[Visar Falmaien]

"You want out? You were the one who came to me and asked me to bond you." Visar flinched at her reply, which was almost serenely quiet. But it disquieted him and cut straight through to his conflicted heart. He knew then that he felt he didn't know anything. Something had been bothering him of late; surely it was their strained relationship? But what if it was something else? What if it was just him making it up? What would he lose if he was wrong?

 

He would be forever without the most important person in his life. One of the only people he knew well enough, that he knew that she genuinely cared for him.

 

Blood and flaming ashes, what in the Light am I doing? His mind raced in bloody circles; he couldn't think clearly.

 

"If you did not get the Heron then you must not be as good as you thought you were. That is not my fault, nor should you be angry with me for not being able to make it the first time. Try again if you can't do it the first time." She was bitterly angry with him, and he felt a wave of shame wrench through him. He had to sit down.

 

For the first time in a long time Visar felt like he was going to cry. No, you won't do that to yourself! You won't show her that weakness! Be strong, man! One voice argued. The other whined, Why does it bloody matter? I should do what I feel like and nothing else. But how do I decide when what I feel is all upside down and mixed inside out?

 

She then spoke up again, and although Visar expected her to reject him out of hand, she seemed to have another idea.

 

"I could send you away for a time if you are so anxious to be out of my sight." Be out of her sight? Was that what she wanted? Between his own confusion and his state of upset, he could barely tell what was going on emotionally in her mind. Maybe she was better controlled than that.

 

"I..." Visar began, but his throat choked on what to say. He didn't know what to say. "Give me a moment." He turned away from her, angrily wiping at his face. He didn't want her to see that he was so close to breaking down. Didn't want to admit to himself that part of him wanted nothing else than to cry in her lap like a little boy. He slowly calmed down and took control again.

 

"I have felt depressed, miserable, and caged in for some time. I know you've felt it, and I know our bond suffers because of it. I just want to fix that. I want to know why I feel this way, and then fix it, not have to worry about it anymore. I thought... I just thought maybe it would be better if I left, if this bond thing ended so you could be free to do your own thing, and me to do mine. I'm sorry to be angry at you. It's probably not your fault at all. I just want to be free of the bond to be able to figure things out, even if it's just for a while."

 

Yet his mind was doubting,

But what in the Light would I do outside of the Tower? I've changed so much from the selfish boy that I was. Why would I throw an honorable life of duty away just because I feel unhappy? What could I do, other than become a killer which would destroy me, or some whimsical gleeman making a fool of himself all around the world?

 

"You say you could send me away. Maybe that's best. I don't know. . ." he trailed off, feeling rather pathetic about himself right then.

[Rasheta Ardashir]

Visar became emotional after she had spoken. Rasheta kept a tight hold on her own emotions, she wouldn't let him see that she too was feeling hurt by the conversation. She couldn't forcibly keep him if he didn't want to stay by her side. She looked up at the ceiling for a quick moment thinking again. Well she could keep him even if he didn't want too but she wouldn't. If after his trip with Kathleen he wanted to leave her still she would let him. She turned her attention back to him when he spoke again.

 

"You say you could send me away. Maybe that's best. I don't know. . ."

 

She stood up again and kept her voice in check. "Come with me Visar, a sister is leaving soon and you will go along to protect her, or help protect her if she allows it." She turned and walked from the room and led the way down the hall Kathleen's door was open and the other sister seemed to be relaxing. Rasheta knocked lightly on the door to get the others attention. She tried to soften her voice, it wasn't Kathleens fault Visar had decided to leave Rasheta.

 

"Hello sister, I'm sorry to bother you. I know you are about to leave on a journey. Would you be willing to take my Warder with you? He is a fine fighter and will not let you down." Her voice turned cold as she continued "If he does you may return him to me for punishment or you may do it yourself." Kathleen looked surprised but she nodded and Rasheta continued "give me a moment to say goodbye and then he is yours."

 

She walked to Visar and stood in front of him. "You will be gone a long time, I hope within this time you find it within yourself to conquer whatever bothers you." She let her emotion out a little and whispered for his ears only. "Do not die, I would not survive it." She felt tears welling and she twisted away before he saw them and left the room to find something else to do. Maybe she would go and visit Loraine or run out to the yards to watch the warders. Anything to be out of the way till Kathleen had settled Visar out of Rasheta's room for the time being.

[Visar Falmaien]

Rasheta seemed to have a solution, even if temporary. Visar went with her as she talked to Kathleen. He wasn't sure if a mission assigned to Kathleen and another Aes Sedai would do anything to help other than to keep him busy and temporarily away from Rasheta. Maybe he would have some time to think about it on the journey, wherever that was going to.

 

Kathleen Sedai seemed surprised about the idea but she accepted it quickly enough. Visar stood there awkwardly as Rasheta explained things. He shifted slightly at Rasheta's barely veiled threat that he do a good job, giving no other indication that what she said offended. Was he truly so unreliable now? He certainly felt it but knowing that someone else thought so too hurt even more.

 

No, he would not let Kathleen down, he decided. Even if he had to deny his own problems in the face of whatever he had to do. They went back to Rasheta's quarter to get his things. Rasheta turned to him once they were done. He didn't have a whole lot in her quarters he would take with her.

 

He bit his lip as Rasheta wished him well. He hoped he would find his inner happiness, too, but it moved him that she cared so much. He could feel it. Even if she had said he would dare not be unreliable, she had some faith in him. Something that no one else he knew had.

 

He didn't know what to say to her. He could feel her sorrow through the bond as plain as daylight, and didn't think anything he could say could help. He bowed and mumbled thanks, that he would do his best as always. She quickly turned and left the room.

 

Visar took a look around. This had been partly his home for years now. And he was giving it up. It felt surreal. The tapestried walls, Rasheta's furniture. He remembered the time he broke one of the chairs, he had felt so bad and yet it had seemed so funny later. He might never see the room again.

 

His eyes paused on the sword on the wall. Rasheta had given him the sword; it had been one of Adrien's, her former warder who had died. Struck by a sudden fancy, Visar took the sword off the wall and found its scabbard. It was well balanced and overall a good weapon to use in either one or two hands, even if the single edge was a different style than he was used to.

 

Kathleen Sedai knocked and Visar answered. She asked if he was ready; she was going to meet Gera Sedai in an hour and leave soon after that.

"Yes, just give me a moment, I'll gather what I need from my apartment. Thank you, I won't be late."

 

She left him then. Visar looked down at the chair that he had had rebuilt. It was made of a hardwood that grew down near Tear, and was fairly expensive to find good quality. He had helped put some of it together and had given it back to Rasheta as a gift to replace the lost chair. He would miss that chair; Rasheta and he used to fight over who would sit in it while they had their discussions.

 

Visar looked at the sword in his hand, the gift. He glanced down at the sword at his hip. A gesture would not go amiss. Just something to promise Rasheta that he would live and come back to tell her his decision. He owed her that much.

 

Taking off his own sword and scabbard, Visar buckled on Adrien's sword. He left his balanced on the arms of the chair for Rasheta to find. I'll be back, he promised.

 

Visar shut the door behind him and made ready to leave.

Edited March 25, 2011 by Visar Falmaien