Contemplation

[keyholder21]

The house lay still, finally, the quiet belying the events that had taken place merely an hour ago. A man sat on the floor, legs crossed and head in his hands, silently shaking with tears of grief. A woman lay in a large puddle of burgundy liquid, her dark eyes open but staring at nothing. A large chunk of mirror protruded from her back, the glass reflecting some of the chaos. Miahna sagged against the doorframe, not caring that splinters snagged her dress. Her legs threatened to send her sprawling to the floor, but she ground her teeth and stayed straight. She needed to ensure that the danger was over. Saidar pulsed through her, its sweet feeling the only thing keeping her from keeling over. After another quick glance around the room, the Blue wove a ward of detection to make her aware if anything tried to enter the small dwelling.

 

Mimi slid down to the floor before releasing the Source. Her knees groaned at the workout but they supported her as she maneuvered to sit on the hardwood. She ran a hand over her face, smoothing back the hair that had come loose from the tight twin braids she always wore. A twinge in the back of her shoulder reminded the Arafellin she’d taken some damage during the fight. Wincing, she tried to roll her left shoulder. She made about half a rotation before the pain was too overwhelming. Mimi dropped it to the floor heavily, the sensation fading from blinding pain to a duller ping. How had the situation risen so far out of control?

 

Leaning her head back, Miahna spared herself a moment to close her eyes. Sweet darkness awaited her, taunting her with its embrace. She drew a few deep breaths before reopening her eyes and struggling to her feet. The man had also decided to brave the light, removing his head from his hands to stare up at her. His gaze was an amalgam of revulsion, gratitude, and abject horror. He spoke not a word as she crossed the floor to stand directly in front of him. He didn’t even move, just stared.

 

Reaching down, the Aes Sedai grabbed his upper arm and pulled. He shook his head slightly, gaze drifting back to the woman, but did nothing else to disagree. Mimi didn’t dare add anymore strength, so she merely tugged as he slowly rose. The wind picked up slightly, whistling through broken windows as the silent pair walked toward the front door and out into the bright morning; the sunlight contrasting the dark deeds that had taken place.

 

The blackness surrounding her cast confusion as Miahna awoke. Tears silently fell in rivulets, soaking the neckline of her shift. It had been years since she’d dreamt of Malachi’s death, decades even, what had suddenly made her start again? Pulling the heavy blanket closer, Mimi turned onto her side contemplating the dream and its recurrence.

 

It was late in the evening. The sun had started to fall, blanketing everything in a rich purple hue. The door to the inn stood open, yellow light pouring out to blend with the darkening night. Laughter and music streamed out along with the light, inviting passersby to enter and join in on the celebrations. Malachi stopped in front of the stable, his eyes roaming. “This seems safe enough Miahna.” He said his voice deep and rich. She felt his exhaustion through the bond and was amazed again at how well he hid it.

 

The Blue nodded, trusting her Warder. The pair had been a team now for nigh on two decades; if he said it was safe, it was. She dismounted, leading her black mare Guidance over to the stables. A slip of a girl appeared within the darkness of the doors, silently reaching her hands out for the reigns. Mimi handed them to her, along with two silver coins. The girl looked up at her in shock, but Miahna was already retreating. She felt Malachi’s presence as he left his warhorse to the girl and strode after her. “You always give too much. It makes them nervous.” He said, gently chiding but with a smile in his voice. He knew her fondness for children and regarded her with affection because of it. She did not turn her head, but smiled at his comment as they entered the inn.

 

It was a moderately priced inn. Surprisingly enough with a nice private backroom for an extra price – or for a stern look from an Aes Sedai. Mimi settled in to look at her notes while Malachi swept upstairs to check out the rooms. He found her just the same as he’d left – pouring over her notebooks as the candles flickered. Clearing his throat, he pointed at the candles with a half smile. Miahna rolled her eyes and embraced the Source, creating a bright globe of light which she fastened to the ceiling.

 

After reading over her notes on the subject they were tailing, the Aes Sedai entered the common room to observe the crowd. The lot of them didn’t even notice her, which was pleasing. She garnered a bit of useful information and then retired back to the private backroom. Malachi tried to urge her to come upstairs, but an exchange of words between two fellows had triggered something in her mind and she refused, instead looking through her notes again.

 

So it was that neither of the pair was fully rested as they came upon the neat little house set out from town. Miahna and her Warder approached, trying to gauge the situation. Everything she’d studied led her here, but this house looked no different than any in town.

 

Cold sweat ran down her back as Mimi jerked awake, again staring at the dark ceiling in mild confusion. She drew a few breaths before sitting up. The blankets slid down, pooling at her waist and the Aes Sedai placed her head into her shaking hands. Why now? What had triggered the resurfacing of this dreadful memory? Malachi’s death was not the first horrific death in her life, but it was the only one that truly felt like it was her fault. If she hadn’t been so personally involved, if they hadn’t been tracking the man and woman who had turned Tessa, maybe Malachi would still be alive.

 

Ignoring the cold, Miahna pushed the covers away from her and got out of bed. Obviously staying here would only lead to further dream snippets. Grabbing a dark blue satin robe from the hook near her bed, the Aes Sedai wrapped it around herself and fled the room, loose dark hair streaming behind her. If she hadn’t been preoccupied in her thoughts she would have noticed the quietness of her bell-less hair as it laid loose against her back.

 

Miahna walked through the quiet halls, her mind not paying any attention to her surroundings. Her bare feet cooled, chilled even, as they stepped along the marble floors and out into the night. A garden. It didn’t surprise her to find herself strolling into one a such an hour. Nature and the outside always had calmed her. She sat down on the grass, ignoring propriety and leaned back against a tree.

[Rasheta Ardashir]

Rasheta was trying to read in her sitting room, she hadn't had time to just sit and read for some time. It didn't look like she was going to get to actually read now. It was late at night and she knew Visar was off training but she was worried about how long it was taking him to get back. She didn't like to sleep without at least one of her Warders in her room. She was used to them now and it made her feel safer. She finally left off attempting to read and sighed. "Visar why do you make me worry?" She stood up and grabbed her shawl. She had one that proclaimed her Ajah and was warm at night. She left the Green Halls, and made her way through the Tower, most of the novices were sleeping although some were still scurrying around yawning. Rasheta smiled remembering her time as a Novice. Now she was curtsied to as she passed. It was still strange even after all these years. She still hated the use of "sedai" after her name. She wasn't sure why but she did.

 

She nodded to a sleepy novice and went outside. Visar was close, she followed her bond and found him returning to her. She smiled "There you are. You know I worry when you don't come home till late." She thought he gave her a smile but he was in shadow so she wasn't sure. "Come on lets go for a walk before we go in." He offered her his arm and she took it. The night was nice and clear and she pulled him toward the Garden. She stopped for a moment and took in the smells of the garden. She walked with Visar along the paths and then noticed someone sitting under a tree. She pulled Visar closer thinking it was going to be a novice that she needed to send to bed. She got closer and noticed it was an Aes Sedai who appeared to be upset, as she looked like she'd just woken up. Rasheta thought she remembered the other Aes Sedai's name. She was from the Blue Ajah, she thought anyway.

 

"Miahna?" Rasheta asked curious. "What are you doing out here at this hour of the night?"

[keyholder21]

The cool air swarmed around her, wrapping the Aes Sedai in a chilling embrace. Though she had long ago mastered the art of ignoring temperatures, she still shivered as the night caressed her exposed skin. Visions of her dream, nay nightmare, floated through her consciousness, dragging her attention so she wasn’t focusing as icy air blew through her satin robe.

 

Unfortunately, the nightmare hadn’t stopped when she’d opened her eyes. Images of that morning still replayed through her head. She saw herself and her Warder heading into that small house without any apprehension. She’d been a fool that had been filled with revenge rather than justice. Miahna saw Malachi storming into the house as she held back, the Power flooding through her. She felt the horror flood through her body as the bond was filled with a sudden and intense rush of pain.

 

Putting her hands on the side of her head, Mimi started murmuring, muttering “no,” repeatedly, as if saying the word would make the visions disappear, would make the pain stop. Her breath was warm against the chilly air, making a small cloud of white appear before it faded. She felt hot tears burn as they slid down her cheeks and onto the dark fabric.

 

Involved in her inner turmoil, the Arafellin didn’t hear the footsteps that announced another late night Garden visitor until they were within viewing distance. She jerked her head up, face sliding into Aes Sedai serenity faster than the blink of an eye. The trail her tears had followed felt icy as the skin dried. She wrapped the robe tighter around herself, finally adjusting to disregard the cold air. Though she hadn’t been expecting a novice or Accepted this late in the night, the Blue felt relieved that it was another Sister, and apparently her Warder, that had happened upon her. The tension that had suddenly appeared in her body relaxed a bit as the Aes Sedai and Gaidin drew closer.

 

"Miahna?" the other Aes Sedai asked, her voice laden with curiosity. "What are you doing out here at this hour of the night?" The sound of her voice clicked with something in Mimi’s head and she remembered the woman’s name. Taking a breath, the Blue forced herself to her feet and approached the pair.

 

“I suppose you could say I needed fresh air and a change of scenery,” she said wryly and with more feeling that she expected. “I found my rooms, indeed, my very bed…” She trailed off at the end of her sentence as a memory of a late night walk with Malachi abruptly appeared. Mimi felt blood drain from her face and she looked at the Green with something akin to panic. Swallowing roughly, she scrubbed a hand across her mouth and glanced back and forth from Rasheta to the Warder standing in shadows behind his Aes Sedai. “How do you do it?” Miahna asked quietly, “how can I do it again?”

[Rasheta Ardashir]

“I suppose you could say I needed fresh air and a change of scenery,”

 

Rasheta couldn't blame the other sister for that. Rasheta had often found her room to be to stifling, and reminded her too much of what she had shared with Adrian just after he had died. It was better now that she had Dante and Visar, but she still didn't like to be left alone too long, especially at night. With Dante so long off training she would wait up for Visar to get back to her room. He didn't sleep with her but having him in the other room was good enough. She was about to agree with Miahna, when the other woman asked seriously and quietly.

“How do you do it?” Miahna asked quietly, “how can I do it again?”

 

Rasheta paused and glanced at Visar as if to ask if he knew what Miahna was talking about. He shrugged and she said to him "Go on Visar I'll see you back in my room. Please don't leave back to the yards or stray on your way." He nodded at her and she watched him walk away. He would go back and read or do something else he enjoyed doing. She'd find him there later, she turned her full attention to Miahna she went and sat next to her.

 

"How do I do what? How can you do what agai..." She paused and thought for a moment about what Miahna had said. She thought she knew what was wrong now, she wasn't aware the other had lost a warder. Of course Rasheta knew almost no one outside of the Hall or her own Ajah, even with the sisters in the Hall Rasheta didn't keep track of who was bonded to who. She turned serious and said nearly as quietly as Mia had earlier. "Have you lost a warder? I didn't know, did you love him?" She said "I have lost a warder, I loved him very much. Do you want to know about that?" If Miahna meant something else then Rasheta would look silly asking if she could help console about a lost warder.

[keyholder21]

Mimi watched the Warder disappear into the darkness, a slightly wistful look on her face. The deadly grace he displayed as he moved, as they all moved, reminded her of Malachi and she blinked back a fresh set of tears. Tearing her gaze from the retreating Warder, the Blue looked to her fellow Sister and noticed the recognition in Rasheta’s eyes. Miahna barely kept herself from flinching. She looked down, absently pulling at the sash of the satin robe, keeping a white knuckled grip on the edges.

 

Water from her tears clumped her eyelashes together, creating a series of tiny triangles. Rubbing a knuckle across them, Miahna felt the water dislodge and she sighed deeply, feeling exhausted and wired at the same time. It was beyond improper to display this kind of emotion in public, and even further to a Sister of another Ajah. Despite the united front the White Tower appeared to have for the world, within there were hundreds of tiny fractures. Ajahs rarely intermingled, other than the Hall, and one was often at odds with another. Frustrating as it was, inter-Tower politics was something that an Aes Sedai had to think of at all times. She blinked rapidly, trying to clear her eyes of the redness that was surely there, and readied herself for one of two responses.

 

But Rasheta did not take either route that the Blue expected. Rather, she responded with compassion and discretion. Taking Mimi’s elbow, the Green turned her back to the open space and spoke quietly, "Have you lost a warder? I didn't know; did you love him? I have lost a warder, I loved him very much. Do you want to know about that?" She spoke with a long ago pain that had since been healed but not forgotten. Miahna stopped herself from nodding like a fool and merely responded to the other Aes Sedai’s questions.

 

“I did lose a Warder, years ago now. I lived through the pain then and did not expect to live through it again. I keep reliving the last night, my mistakes, and the look on his face, the agony that ripped through his body and mine…” Mimi held a shaking hand to her face before looking into Rasheta’s eyes and finishing, “I did love him, like the brothers that I had long ago, as a true companion, a soulmate, someone I could count on to guard my back against anything and everything.”

 

The garden seemed to almost hum with silence. Mimi clenched her mouth closed, afraid of what she would say if she kept talking. Perhaps it would help to hear the Green’s story. The Arafellin motioned to a nearby bench, wordlessly asking the other woman to join her and tell her story.

[Rasheta Ardashir]

Miahna motioned to a nearby bench and Rasheta stood and made a motion for the other sister to precede her. She sat next to Miahna and pulled her shawl tighter around herself and took several deep breaths. She was a Green and she was sitting here with a Blue, the Greens and Blues were not the best of friends, but Rasheta couldn't just leave the poor woman with her thoughts either. It was clear Miahna was experiencing the same things Rasheta had. Tower tradition and Ajah alliances could be damned. Something Miahna had said came to Rasheta’s mind and she decided to answer that first. Rasheta spoke softly just loud enough for the other to hear.

 

"You said, that you did love your warder, like the brothers that you had long ago, as a true companion, a soulmate, someone you could count on to guard your back against anything and everything. It was the same with me his name was Adrian and he was from the borderlands. He never let me give up on myself; we fell for each other sometime over the years. I don't remember how it happened, but one day I simply realized I loved him as a man, he wasn't just my protector anymore." She sighed, "He always told me that he would die before me, he was right.” She knew she had to keep it together or Visar would come back. He was very attentive to her moods. More so since Dante was gone so much, she continued with her story.

 

“We went to the borderlands, and we went to save some people in the blight. We wandered to far and were chased, I was tired and there were too many Shadowspawn for me to handle and Adrian sent me away. He did kiss me before sending me on, I still dream about it at night even though I have two Warders now. After Adrian died I never wanted to see another sunrise. Getting through the day was torture. My Ajah wouldn't let me die however, and they all made sure a sister was near by at all times so I couldn't find an excuse to kill myself." She spoke even softer then and added "Some days I still think it would be better to join him then stay here." She shook herself and continued. "I don't think you ever truly get over the loss of a warder, its worse if you are in love with the man and don't just see him as someone to watch your back."

 

She sat back and looked up at the sky and continued her story. "I had to resign myself to bonding again, the Green Ajah is dedicated to killing Shadowspawn and being prepared for the last battle. One of the Greens is fond of saying that we are the weapon." She smiled in remembrance. "I met Visar first, he was clumsy and fell on top of me while he was doing chores." She laughed. "Shortly after I helped him in his ceremony to become a tower guard. He allowed me to bond him shortly after, and I love him as a man as well." She laughed and added "But not in the same way that I loved Adrian, Visar is in many ways my saving grace.” She looked over at the Miahna and noted a sort of surprised look to the other. “Yes he reminded me of my duty and forced me to remember what it was like to be in the company of a man again. I didn’t realize I missed it till he fell on me.” She laughed again and added. “I think I just proved that I am from the Green Ajah.” She turned serious and added. “You’ll never be rid of the pain not really, but it gets better and with someone else in your head it heals the space you are missing.” She sighed, “I’m not a Yellow so do not know how to ease your pain, I’m sure telling you it never goes away is not as helpful as I could have been but it is the truth and maybe hearing my own pain helps?” She formed the last as a question in order to get a response from Miahna.

[keyholder21]

ooc: uggghhh here's my response, late again *laughs*. Sorry it's so short love! I kept adding things, and then taking them away (rinse and repeat several times), but this is what turned out :/. Hope it's enough to work with!

 

--

 

The night lay still and quiet again as the Green Sister finished speaking. Miahna stared down at her hands, her lips firmly closed. Despite Rasheta’s question, the Blue didn’t respond. She mulled over the words of the other woman instead, feeling not only the pain, but the healing in them. …it gets better and with someone else in your head it heals the space you are missing she said. I want to deny that idea, to find fault in this insane logic, to laugh at the preposterous idea….but who am I to question this Green, this woman who has just told me what she’s gone through? What I’ve gone through.

 

The pair of women sat in silence, the frosty air nipping at the small pieces of exposed skin. Surprising the Arafellin again, Rasheta made no motion to speak or move as Miahna deliberated. The Green merely sat there concernedly. Mimi finally cleared her throat and focused her dark eyes on her companion. Frozen tears glittered in her lashes as she spoke. “On the contrary Rasheta, your words and kindness have been very helpful. I realize now that I have not dealt with the pain properly. You say that I’ll never be rid of it completely but that is precisely what I’ve been attempting to do – close it off completely.” The Blue swallowed dryly, considering the memories that had resurfaced. “But I can’t do that. To me, nor to Malachi.” Her voice dropped to a whisper, but she steeled herself to keep eye contact with the other woman.

 

“How do I knowingly subject someone else to my pain Rasheta?” Miahna questioned, her hands moving from her robe to grip the Green’s. “How far does duty go?”

[Rasheta Ardashir]

Rasheta was shocked when Mia grabbed her hands and spoke in earnest. It was unusual for anyone to touch her, she had been against it for awhile now.

 

Mia spoke again about her and the warder she had lost. “But I can’t do that. To me, nor to Malachi.” Rasheta could understand that. It was hard to let go of the pain and yet not let go of the memory of one you had loved so much. Adrian, well he wasn't always in her thoughts anymore but she did still speak to him at night when she was alone in the Hall of Swords where those who had died were remembered. She told him about her new warders how she loved them both in different ways. She wondered if imparting at least a part of that to the other sister would help.

“How do I knowingly subject someone else to my pain Rasheta?” Miahna questioned, her hands moving from her robe to grip the Green’s. “How far does duty go?”

 

Rasheta sighed inwardly, outwardly she looked up at the sky for a moment to collect her thoughts. "That is a hard question to answer." She figured now would be the time to simply explain how she had done it. "I can only tell you how I did what I had too. Dante was my first bonded he and I fought a lot when we first met. I wouldn't let him touch me let alone come anywhere near me. Later we formed a truce and he asked me, or rather told me that he wanted to be bonded to me. I told him my past and he was willing to take on that pain for me. It wasn't easy but Dante somewhere along the way decided he loved me enough to take my pain on himself." She paused "Although for a long time he simply decided that I wanted Visar for myself instead of him." She smiled and then took a deep breath and continued.

 

"Visar I bonded next, and he is, as I said before, in many ways a saving grace. While Dante is a wonderful warder he trains more then I would like. I do not see him often and Visar has been the one to see me through everything. He stays where I need him to be so I do not succumb to the loneliness of night. Once he stayed up all night and went to train with the Tower Guard the next morning. He is the best of warders and I love him very much. Although not in the same way I loved Adrian. Sometimes I go to a place where we remember our fallen and I tell Adrian all about Visar and Dante, what I'm doing now and just anything on my mind. Its comforting, you do not have the same goal." She paused and remembered Mia's earlier words "Or rather you do not have the same duty in your Ajah as I do in mine. So a warder is not essential for your survival is it? Why do you worry about bonding again?" She paused. "That was harsh I am sorry."

[keyholder21]

Mimi watched the Green Sister as she turned her face up to the sky as if to collect her thoughts. She released her grip on Rasheta’s dress, feeling annoyed at herself for having grabbing the other Aes Sedai so. This grief seemed to consume her, clouding her thoughts until she made rash decisions unbecoming of a grown woman, let alone an Aes Sedai. Moving her hands to her own lap, Miahna stared down at them. As she studied her pale white extremities, the Arafellin was startled to realize that this conversation with Rasheta was actually helping her; she could almost feel the grip of her grief let go and start to recede. The pain and the memories were still there, but her head felt suddenly clearer, as if she had been immersed in a fog since earlier that night and now there were clear skies ahead.

 

"I can only tell you how I did what I had too. Dante was my first bonded he and I fought a lot when we first met. I wouldn't let him touch me let alone come anywhere near me. Later we formed a truce and he asked me, or rather told me that he wanted to be bonded to me. I told him my past and he was willing to take on that pain for me. It wasn't easy but Dante somewhere along the way decided he loved me enough to take my pain on himself." She paused "Although for a long time he simply decided that I wanted Visar for myself instead of him."

 

The Green smiled then, her face turned slightly away from Miahna, and before she took a deep breath and continued. Mimi smiled wistfully at the memory, recalling a similar experience between her and Malachi upon their first meeting. He’d been the spoiled son of a Kandori lord; neither of them had been particularly good at submitting to the other. It had been three years before they had settled into that of a normal Aes Sedai- Warder relationship, and three more after that before they’d become as close as they were at the end.

 

" Sometimes I go to a place where we remember our fallen and I tell Adrian all about Visar and Dante, what I'm doing now and just anything on my mind. Its comforting, you do not have the same goal. Or rather you do not have the same duty in your Ajah as I do in mine. So a warder is not essential for your survival is it? Why do you worry about bonding again?"

 

Mimi drew her body away from the Green at her question. She opened her mouth to speak, but Rasheta beat her to it. "That was harsh I am sorry," the Green Sister said, apology clear in her face as well as her words. The Blue nodded her acquiescence.

 

“It is fine Rasheta. That is a strange, yet fair question. Strange considering many of us that do not even leave the Tower have Warders to protect us – whether from threats unseen, or, as in tonight, ourselves. Fair considering you are not privy to our Blue Ajah matters and thus would be unaware as to my nature. Although I’m told I’m well known in the Tower by now,” Mimi paused for a small smile, her grief already lessened for the simple fact of sharing it with someone. “Perhaps this is by action and not name.” She finished thoughtfully.

 

“Plain and simple, Rasheta? I desperately need a Warder for my survival. My calling, my cause, as you non-Blues describe it, is to hunt Darkfriends. I have roamed from the Aryth Ocean to the Spine of the World and back to track those despicable creatures and bring them to justice. Let me assure you, news travels fast in those circles and I have a target attached to my back. In our efforts to keep the world safe, our duties are not that different. Merely you prepare for the future while I fight for the present.” Mimi sat back against the bench, the sharp cold biting into her anterior. “Knowing someone has your back makes that fight easier.” She said softly, tucking a loose piece of long dark hair behind her left ear.

Edited January 28, 2011 by keyholder21

[Rasheta Ardashir]

“Plain and simple, Rasheta? I desperately need a Warder for my survival. My calling, my cause, as you non-Blues describe it, is to hunt Darkfriends. I have roamed from the Aryth Ocean to the Spine of the World and back to track those despicable creatures and bring them to justice. Let me assure you, news travels fast in those circles and I have a target attached to my back. In our efforts to keep the world safe, our duties are not that different. Merely you prepare for the future while I fight for the present.”

 

Rasheta nodded, yes a warder or two was important to survival. She was a little annoyed by the talk of fighting for the present vs the future. Rasheta had, her own share of fights between here and the blight, she'd even been IN the blight. She wondered if the Blue could say as much. She took several deep breathes to calm herself down, and to remind herself why she was here and talking to a member of another Ajah in such a way that would make anyone think the two were friends. She spoke after a long pause and said

 

"I have hunted darkfriends as well, go to the Blight it is a lesson in hoping you do not die on any given day. I respect the Borderlanders and there fight against it. If you have a target on your back, I'd suggest you look into bonding a man from the Borderlands. They are more apt to be cautious and are already respectful of Aes Sedai." She smiled "But they can be a handful as well." She yawned and stood up

 

"Now I must go before Visar returns worried about me. If you find yourself wanting to talk or in need of a shoulder to cry on you can visit me in the Green Halls. I am always willing to listen." She smiled again and said "Now I will wish you a good night." She turned then and walked away. Wondering if Visar would meet her on the way, he usually did if she took to long. He tended to get worried about her. It was sweet she thought.