Rules for the Evil Overlord

[Aiel Heart]

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice.

[Aiel Heart]

It pays well, there are all sorts of perks, and you can set your own hours.

[Aiel Heart]

However, every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end.

[Aiel Heart]

I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards,mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time.

[Aiel Heart]

Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:

[Aiel Heart]

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones

[Aiel Heart]

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through

[Aiel Heart]

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

[Aiel Heart]

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies

[Aiel Heart]

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

[Aiel Heart]

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

[Aiel Heart]

7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you too afraid without your armies to back you up?" my reply will be, "No, just sensible."

[Aiel Heart]

8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him.

[Aiel Heart]

9. After I kidnap the prince (of course I can kidnap Prince Charming and keep him contained; I am the Sparkling Shadow Princess!!!), we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in threee weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out

[Aiel Heart]

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. IF necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push." The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone silly enough to disregard it

[Aiel Heart]

11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me--I'll do it myself.

[Aiel Heart]

12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum--a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well

[Aiel Heart]

13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving m weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

[Aiel Heart]

14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death looking like an accident--I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

[Aiel Heart]

15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy;" I simply choose not to show them any

[Aiel Heart]

16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

[Aiel Heart]

17. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of a cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

[Aiel Heart]

18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other kind of dress codes.

[Aiel Heart]

19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

[Aiel Heart]

20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation