The Song of Fire ~Estel~

[ashara]

Because I remember, I despair. Because I remember, I have the duty to reject despair.

 

“Vera Sedai, Elyssa Sedai is waiting for you in her quarters.â€

 

“Thankyou Mierie. Please tell that I’ll be there in a moment.â€

 

Vera Sedai. Light, it sounded so odd. So strange and terrifying and profound and perplexing all at the same time. She had expected that she would feel a swell of emotions upon hearing the word, the new title, but instead, she found herself left in an emptiness that was degrading. It felt unreal, as if someone was planning to pinch her awake any second now. Perhaps she was just nervous. She rose to make for the hallway, but she could not help stopping upon crossing the mirror. Red-brown hair leaned against her shoulders in soft, elaborate curls, the stark white skin a pleasant contrast, if just a little unexpected. On her wrist there lay wrapped a thin silver bracelet, the coils twisting in and around each other like snakes at war. She had decided to wear a dark red dress for the day, a very suitable match for your hair, my lady the tailor had said while selling it to her. And a good buy it had been, she found herself admitting. But what she found herself staring at the most were her eyes. Those round gray pupils that showed…everything. It is not a weakness.Her face could be impenetrable, but her eyes would sing out every last emotion felt. They were the one thing that she could truly claim to be hers and hers alone. Every Aes Sedai could have on a mask, every woman a pretty dress, but her feelings were hers. And her eyes were merely the canvas.

 

The Blue Ajah quarters had always possessed a quality of charm that struck Vera whenever she found herself lucky enough to pass through them. Implicitly beautiful, she thought as she studied every arch and swirl, the bright coloured fields etched on every wall reminding her of a painting she had once made for someone dear to her. They was not overdone, but they were still grand. Vera crossed the rooms of several women as she made her way to Ely’s room, nodding and smiling politely at passing Sisters as she did. It was as she smiled yet again that suddenly, for a few moments she found herself eye to eye with a Warder. It was with surprise that she noted his anxiety and more importantly, his sight. Or lack of, truth to be told. A Blind Warder. Light. Her eyes followed the path he had come from, and Vera realized it was the door only a couple of steps away. As she moved closer to it, she realized that a woman was sobbing inside.

 

Sweet Light, what was this?

 

Calmly she surveyed her surroundings and realized quickly, that she couldn’t exactly stand outside the door and put her ear against it. So, without a second thought, without worry, she knocked pleasantly on the wooden surface of the door.

[Guest Estel]

Why did nothing in life turn out like you had always wanted? Everything had a price and more often than not, Estel found herself paying a price higher than what she had bargained for. Burn her, she was tired of paying and never receiving anything in exchange for her sacrifice. How had she acquired such a debt that she had given her whole spirit to pay for it? Was she paying for betraying Orion? Or was it for being unable to break through her own walls? Was she paying for running from the truth? ‘I don’t know, Light help me, I don’t know! I want to know now! The price is too high! I have nothing left to give You!’ But as always, her pleas went unanswered.

 

Unanswered save for a knock at the door.

 

“Go away!†she sobbed. There had been too many already who had intruded on her private pain.

 

The intruder persisted.

 

In anger, Estel left her bed, ignoring her puffy, red eyes and tear-streaked face and went to go chase off whoever dared knock at her door.

 

It was Vera. What the woman was doing there Estel neither knew nor cared. All she wanted was for her to go away and leave her to her misery. Why was that so hard for others to understand? Why couldn’t Serena and Sirayn and Orion and everyone else leave...her...ALONE! She wouldn’t be in this much pain without them.

 

At that moment, Vera seemed a very good outlet for her pent up rage and emotion. “If you’re here to insult, manipulate and/or give empty promises, I’m afraid your out of luck. The exhibit featuring the fallen, Warderless, preg...†she stopped herself just in time “...Aes Sedai is now closed. GO AWAY!â€

[ashara]

What have I become?

My sweetest friend

Everyone I know

goes away in the end

And you could have it all

My empire of dirt

 

She recognized her immediately. Estel Liones, Aes Sedai of the Blue Ajah. Estel Liones, Accepted of many moods and whims. Estel Liones, woman with a heart, Broken, Seething, Sorrowful. An image flashed in her mind of a girl far away, despairing in her own rage as an infirmary and one woman were splashed in vivid colour. Vera did not forget. On another day with another consequence, perhaps it would’ve been possible to mull over that bygone day with misery and shame; On another day in another world, she would learn to forget. Right now though, she did not have time. Reflexes were everthing. Turning sharply, she closed the door shut to prevent anymore of Estel’s rage from slipping through. She needed help, but screams through the hallways would only bring dark whispers. Embracing Saidar, Vera quickly weaved out any possibility of being overheard. It would not do for Estel -or even Vera herself- to lose face because of carelessness.

 

“If you’re here to insult, manipulate and/or give empty promises, I’m afraid your out of luck. The exhibit featuring the fallen, Warderless, preg...â€

 

What in the name of Light? Her face turned slightly towards the door- it would really not do if someone overheard now. It would not. This is like playing with fire. And Estel really was fire. Strong, white hot and fierce. There was only one way to do this. Sitting herself down on one of the chairs in the room, one hand placed over the other, Vera was every inch a portrait of peace and serenity. It was like the day of her Oaths. It was like another test. But no! It was different. This time, it wasn’t about her.

 

“I am not one for empty promises,†she began quietly, “Nor am I here to question, demand or insult.†It was all about her words, all about the right things to say. Light, this was tricky. “I am here to listen.â€

[Guest Estel]

If she had had the energy she would have yelled for the woman to get out of her room but as it was she was in such a state of exhaustion and ultimate depression that she could not summon the effort. Everything had happened so fast and had gone so wrong. How had she fallen so low? So low that she would reach out at the first offer of a shoulder to cry on. How had it happened that she had spent the last number of years yearning for a man only to turn him down when he finally showed his love? How in the Light had she ended up pregnant?

 

It was all her fault. She was the one to blame. The only one to blame. Light blind her, but that hurt.

 

Vera’s words cut. They cut a wound already beginning to fester despite being less than a day old. Those words brought her back to last night. “Is there anything I can do to help? ... I am here only to do what I can.†"Thank you Sirayn Sedai. If you are ever in need I swear that I'll do my best to help you." “Yes, of course you will... You will do as I ask, won't you?"

 

She had fallen for it then, she wouldn’t fall for it now. “To listen...†Questioning, bitter amusement and sarcasm all meshed together in those two repeated words. “You’re hear to listen all right. Listen and take advantage of. You’re all the same. Just go away and leave me to my misery. Leave me to my wretched life. I don’t want your pity, false concern or sympathy. Just leave... me... alone...†She could barely get the last words out for in between sobs.

[ashara]

“To listen...â€

 

Two words only and yet, so much more than just two words. They were in her eyes, her face, her twisted but pretty mouth. It didn’t surprise her but neither could she remove herself entirely from the situation. Learn to be impassive, she had been taught as an Accepted. Surely this could not hold true when another was so…shattered? Or was it so perhaps that the first teacher of such a theory was simply not known to go around knocking people’s doors when they heard the first noises of trouble coming from within? That could well be it. That probably was. Truth be told, seeing Estel Liones like this unsettled her. To Vera, Estel was still the Accepted with the beautiful angry face who had scared Vera witless. The memory wasn’t as fresh as it used to be, but it was still there. To see her now, Blue Sister and not an inch less grand, sobbing and wrecked. It sort of killed. According to Vera, everyone had some personal enemy, a bad memory that they remembered with a blush and a shudder. And it simply felt strange to see one of her very own memories being shot down so easily, her impression that had remained with her so carefully embedded for so many years was now seeing a turning that dazed her. She could not show it of course, nor allow herself to be subject for too long to such feelings.

 

You are all the same. Somehow, Vera couldn’t find any curiousity inside her concerning who the Sister was talking. Someone powerful she imagined, with charisma and warm eyes that had brought her as much success as any other talent. It wasn’t hard to find them in the Tower- every second Aes Sedai gliding her way through would fit the description. For a moment she considered telling Estel that she was making a fool of herself and that her tears would not help her through. However, it was the second after that she realized that it was a comforter Estel needed, and not a.listener or subtle manipulator. Empathy is different from Sympathy. “Sister..†Taking her hand, she gave it a gentle squeeze, but to her, it was meant to convey more than any million words possibly could. Would Estel understand that though? Suddenly a vivid picture came to her mind of a striking auburn haired girl clasping her hand as Vera had sobbed and mumbled. They had been Novices then, but Light those had been dark days. “Estel…I’ve been there too.â€

[Guest Estel]

“Sister... Estel, I’ve been there too.”

 

Hazel eyes flashed in anger. Did Vera actually think she would succeed in tying strings to her so soon after being collared by Sirayn? Honestly, the woman had less respect for her than most! Or was she this despised among all the Sisters? She had apparently fallen even farther since leaving six months ago, farther than she had thought possible; every time she thought she had hit rock bottom, she pulled out a chisel and dug her grave a little deeper.

 

The Blue ripped her hand from Vera. She had had enough of false concern and condescending ‘Sisters’. Light! These women did not deserve the term! They were anything but family! The very definition of family was that no one was left behind or forgotten! Did any of them remember her? Even the Blues seemed to have forgotten her. None of them except Serena had said a word for her and she had had to seek out the Saldeaen.

 

“I told you I don’t want your fake concern. Go about your business and get out of mine! No doubt an upstanding Aes Sedai like yourself has more important things to worry about than the cares of the fallen!” The Domani snarled and like a distressed animal drew away from Vera and curled herself on her bed with her knees tucked under her chin.

[ashara]

Startled by the vehemence with which Estel moved away, Vera felt two red spots appear on her cheeks. A slow but steady anger was rising up inside her and the tell tale knots tightening in her stomach told her that her control over her temper was slipping. Fast. And that would not do. That would not do at all. Anger and harsh words were the last thing that would knock Estel into her senses, she knew. Certainly not harsh words coming from her at any rate. Breathing in, she tried to calm herself. It was not an easy task, for at that moment her pride had been wounded and humiliation, had never been a pretty thing.

 

It was only when she saw the Blue curled up and despondent that she felt the knots loosening once more. She was of the Grey. She was a peacemaker. Justice and Reason. Peace and harmony. Neither Black nor White. Grey. Words she had learnt so long ago, but time had done little to let them fade in her mind. Like the pillar of strength that they truly were, she repeated them silently. Sitting herself down at the edge of Estel’s bed, hands placed in her lap she considered Estel’s face for a few moments before trying once more. She had always been described as stubborn, and Vera had begun to take her mule headedness as something to accept and take advantage of as she did with everything else.

 

“Fallen, Estel? You are only fallen if you believe yourself to be. Please Estel-” Intently she looked at her, her eyes large and earnest. “There’s always hope.”

 

~Vera

[Guest Estel]

“Hope.” she repeated the word sadly. Her anger was fleeing fast, leaving her devoid of that comforting shield. Once more her soul and heart lay bare and open to more pain and it once again felt the ache of old scars. Damnit! Why did her shielding anger leave her when she needed it most? She simply could not stand another betrayal like last night and here she was, in the same position, craving and needing comfort. Her only thought was that perhaps last night’s mistake had made her wiser... or was it just more wary?

 

“Yes. Always hope. Fool’s hope. A fool’s hope that the past can be erased and that people can be trusted. Damn you, take your hope and speeches to some poor, naive Novice who still doesn’t know any better. Blood and ashes, I’m not half as stupid as you all think.

 

“Or am I? Yes, hope. Is that all I’m left clinging to? Just hope, no sense of reality?” her voice held a note of utter despair. Even she didn’t understand whether or not she was actually asking the questions of Vera. There was so little she understood.

 

“Why do you even care?” Bitterness returned. The emotion was still painful, but it built a shield against the pain, directing its energy into the woman sitting, staring at her. It didn’t provide the same comfort as anger, but it was better than nothing. “-or do you? Ties your string woman, get it over with. Light, you’ll be fighting every other Sister. Mother’s milk in a cup. I’ll return to this mess in a few months and have fallen so low that I’ll have to beg to be able to chose my own clothing without some “elder Sister” telling me what to wear when, why, how and where.

 

“Speaking of where, where is the eighteen year-old girl with the fire in her heart and fully former confidence in her mind? Blood and ashes, where’s the blood Novice who was so brave standing up to those Reds?” she laughed, cold and bitter. “Burn it all, I’d take the truant, love-sick Accepted with her hands in the pots over this pathetic excuse for an Aes Sedai.

 

“Curse you strictly structured institution! Burn in the Pit of Doom shining white pinnacle, the “beacon of hope” for the world. You killed them all! You replaced spirit with obedience, creativity with structure, hope with despair! Light blast you, give them back! They were mine! You took them from me!

 

“Is this what an Aes Sedai is? Are these the world’s puppeteer? Creator, have mercy on our souls, we are damned. No, no. Everyone else can face the truth. Me? Never. Burn me, I couldn’t even face the thought of it before my Arches and I haven’t changed. While my contemporaries grew up around me, I remained a child.”

 

She looked over at Vera, remembering the young Sister. “Welcome to the shawl, girl. Welcome to hell.” Light, but her own twisted grin would have made her shiver.

 

ooc: wow...rant...