Finding Out you Can Wait [Orion]

[Guest Estel]

They walked through the Yards, oblivious to the fact that they were being watched. No, that wasn’t right, they knew they were watched, after all the woman’s history in the Yards deserved suspicion. If not for the man beside her, she wouldn’t even be allowed here. But that was beside the point, the man and woman had no idea their every move was watched intently by a young man, not quite seventeen, sitting a little ways off under the shade of an apple tree.

 

To the casual glance, he simply watched the Aes Sedai and Warder out of boredom, having nothing else to do. While he took another bite of the apple he watched, head cocked slightly to the side, as the Sister whispered a few words into her gaidin’s ear. The man was around average height for a Borderlander, though despite being a native of Shienar he did not shave his head save for the warrior’s topknot as was tradition in that land. He had a grace about him that only a Warder could manage; the way he moved made it seem as if the dual blades he wore were simply another part of him. His face was devoid of emotion and hard, like the steel he seemed prepared to draw at the slightest hint of ill-will towards the woman beside him. However, at first glace, there appeared nothing to mark him out from any other man in the Yards- this was Tar Valon after all, men came from around the world to train with the men bound to serve the White Tower.

 

One thing really marked Orion Gaidin out from the masses though: he was blind. His sight had been lost in a tragic accident not long after his being raised to the rank of Tower Guard. The woman at his side was his eyes and it was too this woman that the onlooking young man’s attention was truly riveted.

 

Her age was impossible to guess, though the lack of grey hairs at her temples suggested she was younger than she actually was. Long, straight hazel hair framed a copper-skinned face. If her skin colour hadn’t been enough to convince a stranger of her origin, her nearly transparent dress showed her for the Domani she was. She was a beautiful woman, though not in a curvaceous way. Rather her beauty came from her grace. Despite delicate features, she had a cold look to her face and an air that spoke of self-confidence- though ironically that was rarely the case beneath the mask.

 

If anyone had bothered to look first from the Aes Sedai to the watching boy, kinship would have been impossible to deny. The resemblance was so close, they could have been mother and son, which, in fact, they were. Faerthines had no idea, but many of the older men and women in the Yards had already guessed the relationship between Faerthines and Estel. It was common knowledge that Estel had been Bonded to a Talcontar. When Faerthines- who had more Domani blood in him than Malkieri- had come to the Tower claiming the name Talcontar- not a common Domani last name- it hadn’t taken a genius to do the math.

 

This was the first time Faerthines had seen his mother since just after his birth. And he was terrified. Never before in his life had he ever been this nervous. Not his first day in the Warders’ Yard or during his first knife fight back in Bander Eban. He was terrified of her but he would never admit it aloud.

 

He had already been in the Warders’ Yard three months, learning to use the broadsword, now proudly worn on his hip, from his mentor, Yrean. When he first arrived at the Tower, he had had no intention of signing up as a Tower Trainee. However, upon discovering that his mother was out of the Tower- for any stretch of time between months or years- he had decided to join. Why? He wasn’t quite sure. Perhaps it was just to pass the time. Or was it something less shallow? A need to impress his mother; to prove his worth? He tended to not search that far into his soul. It was easier to simply ignore his feelings than deal with them- a curse he had inherited from his mother.

 

Since first arriving in Tar Valon, he had thought he couldn’t stand to wait any longer to finally meet the woman who bore him into this world. He spent sleepless nights trying to figure out what he would say to her. It had all sounded so perfect and easy in his head. He would simply walk up, tell her who he was and she would immediately accept him and love him as all mothers did. Now, when she finally was here, it all sounded so stupid and unrealistic. She was Aes Sedai, how could she be a mother? She had left him- abandoned him, really- with his grandmother.

 

A familiar bitterness rose within him. His entire life he had been told stories of his mother’s adventures by his aging grandmother. When he was young, he had always pictured her as some sort of omnipotent hero. He had been so proud to be the son of such a hero he hadn’t really noticed the empty space within him where a mother’s love should have been. His grandmother was as good a substitute mother as could be but she couldn’t take the place of his real mother. As he had grown up, he had struggled with a feeling of being abandoned. Estel had chosen the Shawl instead of him. She had abandoned her own son for some ‘noble’ cause.

 

He turned back to Estel and Orion just as the Aes Sedai turned to leave. ‘Go, now!’ He tried to force his legs to move, but they wouldn’t. He sat, stock-still and waited as she slipped away from his grasp. When she was finally gone, it seemed as if his limbs came back to life. He cursed himself, calling himself a hundred types of fool but he still couldn’t bring himself to go after her. ‘Coward.’ He wanted to scream, deny his cowardice, but he couldn’t.

 

In frustration, he leaped to his feet, whipping what was left of his apple at the tree behind him. Passers-by gave him an odd look but he shot them all a glare which turned them back to their own business. He stood, staring at the place where the remainder of his apple had exploded against the trunk of the tree. Breathing through a clench jaw, he let his anger swell within him. Hands turned to fists at his side and every muscle was tense. He desperately needed something to lash out at.

 

Looking back to where his mother had stood only minutes ago, Faerthines saw Orion come out from a building. ‘He must have been announcing his return.’ Something inside him gave him a nudge. ‘You already wasted the chance to meet your mother. You might as well go talk to her Warder, maybe he’ll bring you to see her.’

 

Biting his lip and fighting down nerves, he made his way over to where Orion stood. The man could not see him but to the boy’s shock, the blind man cocked an ear at his approach. Obviously the man had found ways to supplement his lack of sight. ‘How else do you think he became a Warder?’

 

“Erm… Orion Gaidin?†The man’s nod proposed Faerthines continue, but he couldn’t seem to find the words. Everything was so different form how he had imagined things were going to be. “I… I need to talk to you.†The look on Orion’s face turned Faerthines’ face red. ‘No, really, thanks for stating the obvious.’ His embarrassment only deepened with the sarcastic comment from his conscience. “Alone. I…I’m Faerthines Talcontar… I’m the son of Estel Sedai.†The last bit came out in a rush and from the look on the Warder’s face there had been no need to clarify his parentage. Orion knew. The only expression the boy could read on the stony face was surprise.

[Kael]

Orion absently stretched his shoulders, trying to loosen the strains that travel had put upon them. The small knot of being in his mind that was Estel always there, floating on the outside of the void he was enveloped in. He stood oblivious to the sights of what was around him, instead using his ears to create his world. The much missed sounds of men and woman learning the craft he had devoted his life to relaxing himself as much as he would allow. Orion's heart was wherever Estel was, but if anything could be called a home in his life the Yards were.

 

He needed to find somewhere to take off his blades, his barely used room in the Warders quarter perhaps for while it would be easy just to wait for Estel in her rooms in the Tower she had other things she needed to attend to and it was almost required for him to make a showing for proprieties sake in the Yards, no matter how little he had spent in them.

 

Orion let out a slow breath and turned an ear to the oncomings of footsteps. Bonded, enveloped in the void and with nearly twenty years of practice Orion could pick out almost every individual sound and he knew how to handle himself without Estel as his eyes. He nodded along with the boys words, raising an eyebrow to tell him to hurry with what he needed. "Alone. I…I'm Faerthines Talcontar… I'm the son of Estel Sedai."

 

Orion couldn't control the shock lancing across his features from both the fact that Estel's son was standing here with him and the small amount of pain he brought along with him. He held to grudges after these seventeen years since the boy had been born bu the fact that he had been had nearly torn him and Estel apart as surely as they could be.

 

Orion simply nodded and motioned for the boy to follow, still dumbstruck as to how this could have happened. He led Estel's long lost son through the Yards towards the room that had been given to him as a Warder. He kept his emotions in check making sure nothing floated over the bond. He moved with a surety that his lack of sight belitted and made it to the room without incident.

 

As soon as the door closed behind him Orion turned his attention back to the boy, some semblence of calm restored. "What do you want? And how did you get here?" Orion didn't mean for the words to sound as harsh as they did but this was bringing up memories he had best wished forgotten long ago. This boy had been teh center of his and Estel's fued so long ago.

 

 

Orion

[Guest Estel]

Nervousness clawed at him as he followed the blind man through the Yards. Faerthines wasn’t normally given to nervousness, but these were hardly normal circumstances. Situations ran through his head, nightmare after nightmare. First, he wasn’t even Estel’s son, just some brat she had taken off the streets; next, she had abandoned him because there was something wrong with him; then, Aes Sedai were forbidden to bear children and he and his mother were going to be executed. All rational thought was banished from his mind as his mind came up with even worse scenarios.

 

If not for the need to keep up with Orion, Faerthines would have long ago stopped to spew the contents of his stomach over his own boots. Instead, he bit his cheeks and vainly tried to stop the butterflies that seemed to be warring in his middle. After fifteen years, he was finally going to have a conversation with a man who actually knew his mother, but now he couldn’t seem to open his mouth for fear of throwing up.

 

Never in his life had he wanted so badly to run away from a situation. Anger had been so much easier to feel than other emotions. Rather than face nervousness, self-doubt or any other painful or uncomfortable emotion, he had turned it to anger. His friends had always congratulated him on his supposed courage because he never backed down from a fight. Neither he, nor they really knew courage. That hadn’t been courage that had been foolish anger not allowing him to back down.

 

Now he stood in the entranceway to Orion’s rooms, too scared to enter. There was no anger to buffer him from sudden fear of rejection and self-doubt because there was nothing to be angry with. It was so easy to flee and so hard to go forward, despite having waited his whole life to discover what find of woman his mother was. He couldn’t waste another fifteen years, he had to take this chance. With a shuddering breath, Faerthines stepped into the room, closing the door behind him.

 

Orion’s words immediately cut him to the heart. There was hatred in those questions. All his life he had wanted parents and now the man who was supposed to be his father hated him. Tears welled in hazel eyes. Fifteen years of dreaming, yet it took only a moment to shatter them all. It was too much for the boy. With excruciating certainty, he resigned himself to the fact that Estel would also hate him.

 

Like a child of ten, he dropped to the ground sobbing. His dreams of a happy reunion had crumbled like dead leaves. Everything was so different from the fairy tale he had imagined- there would be no happily ever after.

[Kael]

Shock quickly gave way to irritation as the tell tale sounds of sobs came flowing towards him from Faerthines. He was irritated at himself for allowing the anger to show in his voice that most likely had set this in motion as well as for this boy for breaking down so easily. But then again, how would he have reacted if the Warder of your long lost mother hated you, though for Orion it was what the boy represented and not him.

 

With a an irritated half growl Orion reached towards the sounds and took a hold of the boys shirt hoisting him roughly to his feet and gave him a light shove waiting to make sure he kept his feet.

 

"Do not expect me to hold your hand and tell you everything is allright boy, I am not your mother. Now try and regain some dignity for your role as a trainee in the Tower Gaurd at least." Orion sighed softly and took a deep breath. In practiced motions he calmed his nerves and eraced any emotion that would come out in his voice. He knew what could be betrayed by the voice better than any and had practiced how to control his.

 

"Now tell me. Are you here because of your mother and may I ask what in the light that was for?" Orion's irritation drifted into the Flame and he was left in the emotionless void of before, a small questioning feeling coming over the bond. Whether it was from Orion's quick change in emotion or from something Estel was going through he wouldn't know.

 

Orion chuckled lightly trying his best to lighten the situation and make himself seem more friendly, how likely that was working remained to be seen. "And try it without the tears. You take after your mother in that aspect at least."

 

 

Orion

[Guest Estel]

Tears were easily wiped away, never piercing the skin to scar vulnerable insides. They were not a cause but an effect. No tear left a scar because the scars made the tears. Sixteen years of scars could not be wiped away with a hand. It had taken sixteen years to callous himself against the pain of being an orphan but it hadn’t been enough to shield him from Orion’s rejection. Why had those defences been so easily breached? He was no longer a child of ten crying into his grandmother’s arms because another boy had harassed him about having no parents. Wasn’t he supposed to be a man? Strong, secure and void of emotions seen as weak?

 

For as long as he could remember, he had harboured a desperate hope that one day he would meet Estel and Orion, digging deeper down he would have found that it was not Orion he wished to meet but his true father. However, his conscious mind dismissed the notion as illogical. Instead, Orion had taken the place of Matthias as his father figure. Now the blind man stood over him, watching irritably as his would-be foster son lost sixteen years of dreams and a part of his naivety.

 

"Do not expect me to hold your hand and tell you everything is alright boy, I am not your mother. Now try and regain some dignity for your role as a trainee in the Tower Gaurd at least."

 

Hands scrubbed at red, puffy eyes as strong hands lifted him to his feet. Orion helped his body to its feet but reproachful words left Faerthines’ shaken spirit quivering in heartache on the ground. All he had ever needed was someone to take his hand and lead him and now the man he had expected to do this would not. The world was a cruel place, especially so for emotional adolescents.

 

The voice that now questioned him was devoid of its former anger but the memory of the first time the questions were asked was still foremost in the boy’s mind. It left him with question of his own and bitter conclusions. ‘Why does he hate me? Light, I meet the supposedly virtuous Orion Mantier and without a word of welcome or ‘I haven’t seen you in sixteen years, you look like your mother,’ I’m hated. For what? He knows nothing about me! They abandoned me at birth and now they turn their backs again. What was I expecting? They didn’t want me then, they don’t want me now.’ Sadness turned to despair that Orion’s light-hearted quip could not shake. ‘Why does the man pretend? I already know I’m not wanted.’

 

Faerthines took a deep breath, desperately trying to calm his voice enough that he could speak without breaking down again. He had brought himself enough shame as it was, another breakdown would do nothing but further destroy this meeting. “I left after my grandmother died. She told me to come here, rather than stay in Bander Eban to be assassinated by another power-hungry lord. So I came to look for my mother, only to find she was not in Tar Valon. I joined the Yards to await your arrival.†Here he paused, shrugging dejectedly. A few moments passed before he added the true reason he had become a Tower Guard. “It just wanted her to be proud of me.†It was almost a plea. A pitiful thing for young man like himself.

 

Almost in a flash his mood changed as more bottled up emotion came bursting forth. His eyes suddenly came up to challenge Orion’s, though the gesture meant nothing to the older man who could not see it. “What was that for?†He flung the question back at the Warder as if hurling an object. “How often are your expectations completely shattered? How many times has someone stamped on your dreams? I came here after sixteen years of aching to meet you! My entire life I’ve listened to stories of your adventures, so proud of my mother and her Warder. After every story I would ask if my parents would come for me someday because it hurt to think that I had been abandoned.

 

“You never came for me. I spent those sixteen years waiting for you but you never came. So I came to you. Surely no upstanding, righteous Aes Sedai and Warder would abandon their own son. I came here looking for parents. Obviously I don’t have them. I really am an orphan.†Bitterness poured from like puss from an infection. Words could no longer relieve the anger quickly building up inside him. He turned towards the door, escaping his crushed dreams.

[Kael]

To be proud of him. Orion remembered the feeling as a boy, spending hours with his practice blades to become better in the hopes that he would look good in the eyes of his fathers memory and to those around him. Trying to make Meia, his old mentor, proud of him as she taught him about the blade. Orion knew that Estel still cared for her son even if he did not know to what extent. But he knew Estel well enough to know she would still love the boy as her son, he remembered how hard it had been for her to leave the boy for the Tower.

 

But his anger seethed outside the void and that was the only thing that kept the words from spilling over, that and the boy had evoked feelings of, pity maybe, sympathy. He may not have known what it was like to live withut both of your parents but he had never known his mother either, she had died bringing him to life.

 

The soft creak of the wood in front of him were the only sounds that told him Faerthines was leaving. "Do you wish to know of crushed dreams boy?" His voice was low and devoid of everything, even the anger that floated outside the void. His voice was ice. "I have lived nearly twenty years devoid of my sight. Two days after I became a Tower Gaurd I was caught in a fire and wasn't able to get to the Tower fast enough to be healed."

 

"And then I spent everyday having to relearn to use a sword while my fellow Tower Gaurds looked at me as a cripple and the woman I loved lost all faith in me. Did your grandmother tell you that for three years I had to watch your mother bond another man and treat me as if I didn't exist." Orion let out a long breath and shook his head.

 

"Go if you wish. Run from your problems, from the truth, like everyone else. Feed your anger and hide behind it, hate me and your mother both. Like I did, your mother did at one time. But your mother would be proud of you no matter what. Do not belittle how hard it was for her to leave you. And as long as you run, I will not let her see you or even let her know you are here. Think on that as you slam the door on me."

 

 

Orion

[Guest Estel]

Orion’s words stopped him. Anger still bubbled within him like the contents of some crone’s foul brew and he refused to turn around. Hazel eyes tried to bore holes through the wooden door and his already bruised and broken fists begged to flail themselves at it to release the explosive fury within him. This was all too much. He couldn’t bear Orion’s hate. It cast a sense of foreboding over the meeting with his mother.

 

As the blind man told his story, anger slowly gave way to sadness. At some point Faerthines leaned against the door, his forehead pressed to the hard wood. No tears came this time, but his body shuddered as if he would collapse into another fit at any moment. It was all too much! How was a sixteen year-old boy supposed to deal with problems even most adults would have trouble bearing? And he was alone in this. He had no parents, no friends, surely he couldn’t talk to Yrean about this... he had no one.

 

Run? He could run. He was quick on his feet. But no, quick feet would not save him now, nor would running. The fastest man in the world could not outrun the guilt that would loom over him if he ran now. But what was less painful? An eternity of guilt or being rejected by your own mother? Orion said she loved him and would be proud but that was little comfort when a fragile youth is met with harsh words instead of the comfort he craved. How far could he trust Orion anyway? The blind man had made it quite clear in the first minute of this visit that Faerthines was not welcome there.

 

There was a long silence as Faerthines struggled with his doubt, anger and need for a mother’s love. Even when he had made his decision, he second guessed himself. One way he was sure to be hurt while the other there was the possibility he might be hurt worse. The avoidance of pain is a strong instinct but was it worth the chance?

 

Slowly, he turned around taking a big breath as he did so. He paused before speaking and when he did, his voice was tired. “What do you want me to do?â€

[Kael]

"What do I want you to do..." With all his talk Orion did not truly know what he wanted Faerthines to do. Light he had botched this meeting badly and had been trying to recover to no avail. He knew the boy needed the parents that he had never had, but Orion had already nearly destroyed that possibility. Now it was up to Estel.

 

"What you do is up to yourself boy. You are becoming a man and I cannot tell you what to think. But do not think your mother is a terrible woman. When you stop and think and realize this hatred for her is misplaced."

 

Orion shook his head, sighing softly. He didn't know what to do now. It wasn't his place to dictate what Faerthines should do, he had abandoned all right when he had helped advocate Estel leaving Arad Doman. Then he had never beleived he would be standing in the same room as the boy, the anger that he had felt replaced inexplicably by guilt.

 

 

Orion

[Guest Estel]

“Up to me...†Faerthines muttered to himself. “Up to me...†his voice had a definite note of desperation. “What do I do know? Light burn me, I’m only sixteen!†Despite his stubbornness, all he wanted right now was someone to tell him what to do. It was so much easier to let someone else make your decisions so when something went wrong, there was someone else to blame besides himself. He wanted so much for this to go right but if it all came crashing down, he didn’t want to have only himself to blame.

 

“Do I hate her?†The question rang in the still air. Even he wasn’t sure whether or not he was asking Orion. “I don’t even know the bloody woman! All I know about her is from exaggerated tales and rumours I’ve been able to pick up. They all contradict each other and now the picture I had made of her is so distorted I can’t make heads or tails of it.

 

“Who is she?†This time the question was definitely directed at the blind man standing across from him.

[Kael]

"Your mother..." Orion took a second, the memories of their years spent together coming back. Good and bad, everything. The day they had reconciled, the day she had bonded him, the day she had told him that she loved him. "Your mother is a caring, loving, beautiful woman who happens to have been placed with the mantel of being an Aes Sedai. A title which, unfortunately, leaves little room for any other part of her life."

 

"Albiet..she can be stubborn and a little tempermental, I see she passed those traits to you." A small smile tugged on Orion's stoic lips, infuriating at time those traits were still a part of the woman he loved. "She gave her life to the Tower even before you were born and has done more to keep this world safe than I would have thought possible in one person."

 

"Those exaggerated tales may not be as false as you think. She is a lot stronger than she may seem, or allow herself to beleive."

 

 

Orion

[Guest Estel]

Faerthines remained quiet for some time. His mind swirled with a thousand images of his mother. Even all Orion’s confidence in her could not dispel the hundreds of rumours he had picked up in the months he had been in Tar Valon. He hadn’t dared ask any of the Sister’s for fear that they might discover who he was and they both might be punished, but none of the talk in the Yards cast her in a good light. They had all spoke of her as if she weren’t worthy of the Shawl she had earned. There were rumours and old stories of her actually attacking Tower Gaurds and one went as far as to name her Darkfriend- only his rank had stopped Faerthines from attacking him.

 

The only true facts he had were that she was Blue Ajah, had been originally Bonded to Matthias Talcontar- his father- who had suspiciously died while they were out of the Tower, that she had Bonded Orion less than a year later and that she had a standing order to stay out of the Yards without an escort. The last appeared to be the result of a disagreement with Rosheen Tahn Sakhr and had left a number of Guards doubting her affiliation to the Light. Everything else was contradicted by numerous other tales.

 

“I hope so.†It was all he could think of to say.

 

ooc: do you have anything else you want to add or should we finish this up?

[Kael]

"Hope at times is all that a man needs."

 

Orion had blundered badly in this endeveor and it was possible that Estel would be furious when she found out, he wasn't sure. With matteres concerning Faerthines and Matthias he was was never sure and as a general guidline avoided it for the most part. There was too much pain for the both of them in that.

 

"I am sorry for my behavior today, I didn't expect this for today. It seems that I have nothing left to say that could change your mind. So, you may leave if you wish." Orion sighed softly and turned, reaching a hand out to his bed and feeling his way along towards the washstand. His head had begun to throb painfully and hopefully some cold water would help it.

 

 

Orion