Getting Back Together [ATTN: Orion]

[Guest Estel]

She was almost in a fog, as she worked mechanically to pack. This was all that was left to be done. Serena had been informed, a Trainee and Novice sent out to gather supplies and now she left again. Light but she was all alone.

 

Hurriedly, she tried to suppress her emotions and return to packing but she simply could not. Sitting down on her bed, she wrapped her arms around her knees, curling into a ball. For the thousandth time since that fateful day in the Blight, tears ran hot down her face. The tears were silent as her voice was so hoarse it was painful to make noise. She was such a wreak. How could she call herself Aes Sedai? If only Carise were here to talk to... “Burn you woman! The last person you opened up to took advantage of you! How can you open up again! How can you let yourself be subject to more shame!â€

 

In her mind, the possibility of staying in Bander Eban repeated over and over again. Running away? That was all she ever did! Run away from her problems! Never could she face them like an Aes Sedai should. Spotting a blue-fringed shawl on top of her saddlebags, anger welled up. Viciously she took it in her hands. With all the strength she possessed, she tore at it yet the fabric would not tear. Frustration added more tears to her cheeks as she whipped it at the door, resuming her foetal position.

[Kael]

For once Orion's despair was not do his pathetic self pity, or the newer feeling of self loathing. Word of the death of a Warder always spread quickly through the Yards and a few words, a name mainly, had sparked the new feeling of despair.

 

Matthias Talcontar had never been a friend of Orion. The two had hated each other, or more precicely were jealous of each other, since they had met. Orion for the fact that Estel had chosen Matthias for a Warder, Matthias Orion did not know. Nor would he have ever guessed the reason behind the jealousy.

 

But the death of Matthias Talcontar had stirred feelings Orion had unsuccesfully tried to repress. He knew what Estel must be going through right now and for the love he felt for her, he was swallowing his pride and going to see her. At least try and give his condolences. Try being the key word, for Orion and Estel had not left on the best of terms. The sting of Estel's slap was still felt by Orion whenever he thought of it.

 

It seemed such a simple thing to admit that he loved Estel, though he would never have known it except for a few whispered. "Light help me if I ever become so besotted with a woman. If your any judge I'll write love off as something not to do in my life."

 

So Orion walked slowly, his hand on an accepted's shoulder as she showed him to the Blue's quarters. He was passed to, what Orion thought was an Aes Sedai and led to the door of Estel's quarters. It was a painful reminder of why Estel had left him in the first place, his eyes could not see where they were going.

 

With a deep breath, Orion reached out and nocked lightly on the door.

 

 

Orion

[Guest Estel]

Startled, Estel turned towards her door. Her silent sobs were ended by the soft rap on the entrance to her sanctuary. It was that sound which signified the end of her privacy and her obligation to face the cruel world outside her rooms. How she longed to take up a life separated from the trials the world threw at her. To be alone, away from the pain. But alone meant alone with her memories. Alone with the guilt, the hatred. With nothing else to do but brood on it. It was slowly destroying her. Eating away at the little soul she had left.

 

She didn’t want to look in the mirror. Didn’t want to see the tear-stained cheeks, the dishevelled hair, and the red, puffy eyes. Her cheeks were hollow now that she was starting to skip meals. Meals always meant she had to face someone to get her food and she would rather go hungry than leave the privacy of her chambers. But look she did and quickly fixing her hair, she scrubbed tears from her cheeks. After a few deep breaths, she opened the door.

 

Her immediate instinct was to slam the door and retreat back into her sanctuary. For there, framed in the door stood the man who haunted her dreams, her thoughts and made every living moment of her life like living in the Pit of Doom itself. There in the door stood the man she loved. The same man she had betrayed. The same man who caused the guilt that had plagued her for the last three years.

 

Instead she stood there, stock-still, staring at him. She hadn’t seen him in nearly a year and the sudden sight of him overwhelmed her. Against her will, hazel eyes drank in the sight of the man, only slightly shorter than she. Her eyes didn’t miss a single contour on his face or a muscle on his body. They remained riveted on his eyes for some time. To the casual bystander, it would appear Orion looked past her, staring at her room, but Estel knew those eyes did not take in a single detail of her chambers. They saw nothing.

 

Even though his eyes were useless to him, they betrayed something about his emotions to the woman before him. There was a hardness about them that had not been there when she had first known him. It seemed so long ago now, though it was but a few years. Time seemed to have slowed ever since he had been blinded. Sometimes she wondered whether it slowed simply to draw out her pain.

 

It was not just his eyes that let her look into his soul, but his entire face. It was tight as if he struggled with something. Light, but that face! The face she dreamed of every night! The face she had thought of every time she lay in Matthias’ arms at night! She longed to reach out, to touch it. It was as if just touching him would relieve some of her pain- of both their pain.

 

But in a rushing torrent the pain returned. With the pain came the guilt which dragged the anger behind it. ‘How dare he come here! After what I’ve been through! How can he come! Bringing all the pain with him! Light! Have I not suffered enough at his hands?’

 

His sightless eyes could not have registered the shifts in emotion that had played their way across her face. The initial shock when she first saw him, the tenderness she had felt as she gazed upon him and now the flush of anger that wiped all the rest away.

 

How long had they stood there? Both stock-still, not daring to move? How many had noticed? Estel stood in silence a long while as she tried to settle upon how to react. It had been a long time since her heart and mind had worked together in-sync. Her heart was torn between emotions enough without her head adding more to the storm that already raged inside her soul. She had picked Matthias rather than him. So why was he here? The two had hated each other and caused more grief to her than either would ever know. So why was he here, bringing it all back with him? They had fought, publicly, in the Warder’s Yard and both were quite clear on the fact that both hated each other and thought each other an unworthy companion. It had been quite clear neither had ever wanted to see the other again. So why was he here?

 

‘Why is he here? The Light blind me! Why is he here? I hate him! I love him! I hate him! I love him! Hate him! Love him! Hate him, love him, hate him, love him…’

 

It felt like hours had passed before either of them dared speak. Estel broke the silence. It was a simple question at first- the foremost in her mind- but she could not help but let him in on the bitterness she felt that he could not see plainly displayed on her face. “Why are you here?†It came out in no more than a hiss and even as she continued she did not raise her voice. “Have you come to scorn my pitiful state! To rub my face in the fact that my Warder- the man you hated- is dead? To remind me that I am once again alone with no one? Or are you here to simply renew the argument we never finished? Blood and ashes man! Why are you here?â€

 

Before he could answer, she had turned around and retreated back into her rooms. Away from him. Away from everything that came with him. The love, the hate, the anger, the guilt. How she wished none of this had ever happened. Her life would have been so much simpler- there would have been less pain for both- had they never met.

 

She stalked back into her room. When she passed the mirror she was forced to take a look at herself. Her hair was perfectly neat now, but her face was flushed in anger. The face that had once been so beautiful; the delicate nose, the full lips, the smooth cheeks- instead reminded her of the faces of the dying poverty-stricken.

 

The sight of her own face, combined with the sight of Orion was too much for the already emotionally frazzled Aes Sedai. Again, Estel found herself, face-down on her bed, weeping silently. All she wanted was for that man to go away, taking with him all the pain he had caused her.

[Kael]

Orion stood silent as the door opened, waiting out of both necessity and a lack of knowing what he was supposed to say. Necessity because he did not know who was standing in front of him, whether Estel or someone visiting her. But as the silence stretched he knew it was her, the woman he loved. The same that had caused pain more than he thought possible, sending him into both Matalina’s and Lavinya’s arms as he sought to relieve some of it.

 

He didn’t hate Estel for what had become of him. He hated himself for what he had become, violating so many of the tenets ingrained into his mind since birth. His hair remained unshorn in the Shinearan fashion though he had every right to it. To him he didn’t deserve it.

 

“Why are you here? Have you come to scorn my pitiful state! To rub my face in the fact that my Warder- the man you hated- is dead? To remind me that I am once again alone with no one? Or are you here to simply renew the argument we never finished? Blood and ashes man! Why are you here?â€

 

Orion didn’t know what to say, nor did he have a chance. Estel’s soft footsteps retreated into her rooms, away from him once again. Orion took a tentative step in, closing the door softly behind him.

 

Orion followed the steps easily though slowly. One hand in fornt he took small steps so not to run into anything. He took a step into what he only thought was Estel’s bed chamber, a small sound confusing Orion for a moment before he put a finger that she had thrown herself on her bed.

 

“Do you think I’m callous Estel? I came to give my condolenses, to try and comfort you.†Orion remained in the door way although he wanted to go closer to Estel, to wrap his arms around her and make what pain he could go away. “I did not come to fight, shout or insult. I hated Matthias because he took you away from me yes, but I did not want him dead because I knew what would happen to you if he did.â€

 

Orion took a deep breath, steeling his resolve and once again swallowing his pride. “If you still hate me, then tell me to leave. I will, but only if you tell me. I hated the man you bonded, but I’ve only ever cared for you. I won’t leave you to this pain unless you tell me to. And don’t try and tell me you are alright, these ears can hear the tears on your face even if my cannot.â€

 

 

Orion

[Guest Estel]

She was almost surprised to hear his voice so close to her when he finally spoke. Had he found his way in on his own? How? Light but she could have drowned in the sound of his voice but now it only brought her guilt and pain. His words only cut her deeper. He was here to comfort her? After what she had done? That he still cared lifted an enormous weight off her heart, only to drop a heavier one. He had come to comfort her, yet all she had done was fling more pain his way. Her sobs got harder.

 

Then there was the way out. She could ask him to leave. Simple as that. He would leave and he would take his pain and her guilt with him. No more crying because of him. Or was it that easy? Would it really go away with him? It never had before. She left the tower and it had still gone with her.

 

But what could she do? Ask him to forgive her and come back to her? Never! Her stubborn nature and the pain he had caused were too much for that. All she had left was bitterness now and it seemed she could only speak from it.

 

“Help me? Blood and ashes! The last person who tried to help me...†Her voice cracked. She didn’t want to talk about Sirayn. Didn’t want to talk about the fact that she had walked straight into the woman’s trap. “Besides, what could you do anyway? What in the Pit of Doom can you do for me, Orion!†The last was a nearly hysterical scream. Not so loud to be heard through the door, but it carried everything she felt.

[Kael]

Desperation mingled with despair and a small amount of anger had begun to rise as he stood in Estel's doorway. “Besides, what could you do anyway? What in the Pit of Doom can you do for me, Orion!†Light what could he do. A man who had disgraced his heritage with his actions, a blind man who's only skill was somehow managing to fight with a blade.

 

Orion bowed his head and swallowed, his own self confidence failing as his rather inept abilities reared it's ugly head. Why had he been so cursed as to lose his sight, ruining his life. He had ran to Lavinya's arms to get away from it, to feel wanted, but it always came back. Something was always there to remind him that he was always going to be behind, he would always end up falling short.

 

There was an edge ot his voice that had not been in there before, he was more angry at himself than at Estel but her words had cut to the heart of his self pity. To the heart of all his problems. "Do you think I know Estel? I don't even know why I'm bloody here. Do you think I don't know that I am completely useless to anyone. A blind warrior. I don't make sense and everything I do reminds me of that. Every time I think of you I'm reminded that I could never help you, that I am as worthless as a friend as I ever could be as a Warder."

 

"But I am here. I am trying to do something that I know will end up failing. I can't do anything, I am useless. Is that what you wanted to hear Estel Sedai." The title came out more of a curse than anything else. He loved Estel the woman, he hated Estel the Aes Sedai. "My words of comfort would be hollow beacuse I am not sorry that man is dead. So I have nothing for you Estel, except pain and bad memories. But because I care for you, because I...."

 

Orion unclenched his fists slowly and tried to soften his voice, trying to steel himself for the inevitable rejection that would come from the words. Estel hated him, he had no doubt. This would simply put the final nail in the coffin. "Because of the love I have for you I am here. For whatever that is worth, that is all I can give. A wish, a feeling and pain." Orion sighed softly, and contemplated leaving despite his words before. But if anything he wanted to try and keep some semblence of his heritage so he would keep his word. It seemed such a small thing from all the rest he had done.

 

 

Orion

[Guest Estel]

Light, the heartbreak! Tears fell harder now and her silent sobs threatened to drown out Orion’s words. So much pain! Soul tearing pain! The same pain. Her pain. The same pain she felt. Her heart was torn- would it ever be whole again?- between taking him in her arms and screaming at him. Despite everything she still loved him. She yearned to protect him from his pain- to banish it from his heart. But so much had happened that only time could truly erase it. It had been over a year since their fight, yet its pain still haunted her daily. Love and hate. How could the two exist in her heart and not cancel each other out?

 

Love. He loved her still. Perhaps she had known the minute he came to her room, but she had not dared let herself hope. Here he laid his heart open for her. The choice lay before her- she could tear open his wounded love or accept it and drop her hate. Burn her, but she was so bad at making choices! Everything she had ever done had turned into a disaster! A man lay dead, buried in the Shienaran hills, because of her.

 

His professed love was met with silence for a long while. But even Estel- the woman who had tortured Novices as an Accepted, smashed her only love’s heart, held hate towards the women who had saved her- was not so cruel as to simply reject him. How could she take him back though? He could not possibly be her Warder, he was blind for Light’s sake! Would he even take her back if he knew her secret? Better for him to leave her in her misery. She owed him that much.

 

“You still love me?†The words were whispered and she did not dare bring her eyes up to meet his face. It was a question, asked desperately in the full knowledge of what was to come. “After all I’ve done you still love me? Is your love so strong?†The question changed. The ever-present bitterness returned and cleared away what tenderness she could still feel in her empty heart. “Would you still love me if I told you I’ve been sleeping with the man you hated since I Bonded him? Would you still love me if I told you I carried his child? Would you still love me if I told you I was fleeing my problems like some coward?†Serena’s words had bit deep. “Is your love that strong Orion Mantier?â€

 

The words were intended to bite deep into his heart but they cut her’s as well. She could have had him, he stood there asking for her to take him back. Her heart screamed at her to take him back. Blood and ashes! The pain! Her soul tore again as it had the day he had first turned his beautiful face away. Her mind wouldn’t let her delude herself. She couldn’t have him. He was blind, useless as a Warder. She was Aes Sedai, not a simple woman. Light, how she longed for that life. To simply be a woman, unconcerned with the troubles of the world. She longed to be able to put her heart first, rather than her mind. She was already such a poor Aes Sedai. Blood and bloody ashes! She didn’t deserve the shawl! There was no way she could let herself drop any further than she already had. No, she couldn’t have him. He was not hers. He never would be.

[Kael]

The words hit Orion like a hammer. He took a small step back, stunned and hurt. He had expected rejection when he admitted his love, but not this. Light, carrying his child. His knees felt weak but he refused to move, refused to give into the pain. He could be strong for once. He had been fleeing from his problems as well, and he had come to finally stand against them.

 

But this, this was more than he had bargained for. More than he had expected even in his wildest dreams. Why did fate conspire to make this so much harder. He could forgive her for bonding Matthias, but this would be harder. He didn't know what to do, how to react or how to feel. The two wolves in his heart, love and hate, fought. He wanted to hate Estel for going this far, for tearing his heart to shreds to this extent. But the other recognized the pain in her voice, the sound of her tears and wanted to only make both go away.

 

"Will it always be like this between us Estel? Each of us trying to see who can hurt the other more. There was a time it was all different. When I was still a trainee, you an accepted. Why did that fire change so much, I thought..." Orion let out a long shaky breath. He remembered Estel's voice that day lying on the hard tile of the White Tower.

 

"Do you want the truth. I'm tired of lying anyways. Yes...even with that I still love you. But we can't be tender with these words of ours, that's not what we do." The tone of Orion's voice belittled his words. It was soft, threaded with the deep boned tiredness he felt in his chest. "One hurt for another, that's all we have left."

 

"Do you think your the only person who has been running from their problems, or found something in the arms of another person. You have lain with one man, I with two women. Even with one of your sisters, as you slept with one of my brothers. Does that hurt enough Estel?" Orion had hit bottom enough that even that didn't provoke anything. He was filled with pain enough not to add any more to his heart. "Because I could not have you, I ran to others. Is that enough?"

 

 

Orion

[Guest Estel]

His face was like another stab wound to her already torn heart. Blind as he was, she was not and could see the betrayal painted across his face like an artist’s portrait. She had betrayed him and she knew it. Here was the seed of her guilt, confessed to him, and now he turned away from her. The only man she had ever really loved stepped away from her, just as he had turned away from her before. Bitterness rose up anew and she was about to throw his false love back in his face was something changed.

 

Betrayal seemed to melt away, warping into another emotion she knew only too well- pain. She had torn them apart again. The last fight- and the ensuing rift- had been her fault then, just as the separation would be at her feet again now. Light burn her! If only she hadn’t been so stubborn, so bitter, so stupid, this wouldn’t be happening. If... If... If... Wishing, hoping, praying, never dong. No wonder she was such a poor Aes Sedai. She never did anything, just mourned over what it was she hadn’t done.

 

Finally he broke the silence but his tone was resigned, rather than furious. The man sounded as heartbroken as she felt. His words pronounced bitter truths, reopening her wounds that never would heal. The best Yellow in the Tower could not Heal what was between them. Only they could, though it might be too late for that now.

 

The words sent her back to a happier time. A time where responsibility was somewhere in the future and possibilities seemed endless. She had been young and naive and he was young and handsome. A truant Accepted gazed out the window, sighing as the instructor screamed for her attention. Her eyes remained fixed on the young man with the beautiful muscular body. His hair rippled as he spun to counter the blade of his opponent. She was to be Aes Sedai and he a Tower Guard. They were in love and it seemed nothing could prevent their joining together in the fight against the Shadow. But everything went so impossibly wrong and just a short while later saw them screaming their hate at one another in the same yards they had met.

 

But his next words brought everything crashing down on her again. Why was reality so cruel? Tears streamed down her face harder than before and her sobs were no longer silent. While she had been away he had found others. Others took the place she could have had- should have had. The urge to scream out at him, hit him, make him feel her pain nearly overtook her. How could he do this? Share the heart that should have been hers with those despicable whores? Her heart had always been his! ‘And what was Matthias?’ Her mind mocked her heart. ‘You are no different than he! Admit it! Admit it to yourself! Burn you to the bloody Pit of Doom where you belong! Will you not admit you were wrong just once? Just... once...’

 

Sobs filled the room with noise, muffled only slightly by the pillow she had buried her head in. She half hoped she might suffocate herself and not have to deal with everything happening around her. “It is enough.†She managed to sob to him. “Light, it’s enough. Damn you man, every time I think I’ve endured more pain than was possible you managed to add to it. Blood and ashes, but praise the Light that I am leaving and won’t have to face you again for a long time. You’ve torn my heart enough.†He was silent, but she was not. Her weeping was hard as ever.

 

However, one thing remained unsaid. There had only been a handful of times when she had need to resort to this and it did not come naturally to her stubborn nature. Before she left she had to apologize. It was some time before she could manage to force the words out but once she started it all spilled out. “I’m sorry Orion. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done that has hurt you. I leave for Bander Eban tonight and won’t come back until the child is born.†At first there was no answer and even her sobs did not break the silence that lay between them again. It seemed they were always silent if they were not screaming at one another.

 

Finally, another confession came, one she had hoped she would not find herself uttering as it would only tear her heart more. “Damnit, but I still love you Orion.†At that, she turned away, ready for him to depart, leaving her love barren and desolate in her empty heart.

[Kael]

Orion let out a long breath. And again he would lose her as she left him behind in the Tower. All the words had been said and Orion feared those would be the last of the words between them. A heart could only take so much, and both of theirs had gone through more than any one should iin a lifetime. All that was left was tears unshed and the regrets that would come later. Orion doubted any happiness that could possible be between them would survive another seperation.

 

“Damnit, but I still love you Orion.†Orion let his head fall. It was true at least that she loved him, even after this. And that admission built a reolve in Orion that he would not have even thought of trying before. He wouldn't let Estel leave again, not without him. Pain and despair they had both endured enough, Orion wanted to change that.

 

He took a tentative stepped, dragging his legs to make them do what he told them. He moved behind Estel slowly, from both necessity and a reluctance to do what he was about to do. He reached out and put a hand on Estel's shouder, the memory of her image burned into his mind so that he didn't need his eyes to see her. She turned at the touch and Orion moved tentively at first unsure of how his next action would be recieved.

 

He had spent to long longing after Estel, standing away from her as she sobbed and made her pain evident. He wasn't going to lose her, even if his efforts were doomed before they started. Orion wrapped his arms around Estel and held her tight.

 

"I will go with you. I won't let you go again. Whatever we have gone through before the only thing that matters is that I love you. I won't let you go through this alone." Orion let out a long breath, waiting to hear Estel's answer. Whether or not she would be acceptable to the plan remained up for debate, though Orion feared the worst.

 

 

Orion

[Guest Estel]

Something touched her shoulder. Involuntarily she flinched, she was so afraid to let anything come near her. So much had happened to this woman since she first fled Bander Eban to become an Aes Sedai. Ever since being raised to the Shawl, she had begun to wonder who that girl had really been and what had happened to her. Surely eighteen year-old Estel Liones hadn’t been this insecure, this confused, this weak! No! That eighteen year-old child has been so sure of herself, so sure of the cause she was to fight for and so sure in her hatred. It seemed so long ago now. So long since she had been sure of anything.

 

She turned her head to see what it was that kept a firm grip on her shoulder. It was a hand. Moments slowed to give her time to scrutinize every inch of that hand. Slowly her eyes followed the wrist to long, muscular arms. Faster now, her eyes moved along to the man’s chest and then his face. It was still Orion. Still her beautiful, beloved Orion. Still the man who tore her heart out every moment and left her to bleed.

 

A shiver ran through her when she knew it was him- she supposed she had always known it was, but her tortured heart would not allow her mind to make any assumption that would cast the heart further into the burning fire of her heartache. It ran through her, filling her heart soul and mind, intoxicating her body. The shiver felt like an emotion, so foreign to her she could not tell what it was. Her entire being was filled with this fire.

 

Strong arms wrapped around her and the strange emotion flared within her. Her face grew hot and flushed. The closest thing she had ever felt to this was when she and Matthias were… Suddenly she jerked away, the fact that she had stopped weeping went unnoticed in her terrified state. ‘Not this again! No… No I won’t let him tear me apart anymore! Light burn me but I want[/i] him! You blasted whore! Your last lover has barely lain in the ground a month and you are already in the arms of another man! Lover? Hardly! I hated the bloody man! Don’t you feel dirty? Don’t you make yourself feel sick?’[/i]

 

She crawled across the bed to rid herself of Orion. Mother’s milk in a cup! She had wanted him for so long! Hadn’t she just been jealous of the women who had taken her place in his bed? But now that she had him here, in her bed, with his arms around her, she couldn’t let it happen. ‘You carry another’s child you cow! Are you so ready to spit on your Warder’s grave? Blood and ashes! You killed him!’

 

Tears trickled down her cheeks again. Again she wondered if her eyes would ever be dry. She could not bring herself to look at his face- could not see the pain she caused him. Would there ever be anything else between them? Would they ever bring each other anything except more pain? ‘Light, let it be so. I cannot stand life without him anymore. Damn his pain, damn his blindness, damn the man! I cannot live without him!’

 

“I’m sorry, Orion.†She whispered softly, pain evident in her voice. “I… I just… I…†She spluttered, searching desperately for words to heal his aching heart. “I’m not ready for this… It… It’s…†She bit her lips and swallowed. Burn her, but she would not weep again! After a deep breath she tried again. “I’m just… not ready yet. It’s too soon.â€

 

What was he feeling? Anger? Resentment? Uncertainty? Did he think he had done something wrong? Did he think her words hollow? Would her rejection create another rift?

 

Here sat Estel Liones. Here sat an Aes Sedai, unworthy of her title. Arrogance and anger had always masked what lay underneath. No one had ever really scratched that surface, though Carise might have come close once. Below the tough exterior lay an uncertain and frightened woman, afraid to show her cowardice to anyone. She had never really let anyone come close to her- she kept people away. If they came close, or got to know her, they might find out who she really was and expose her to the judgement of her peers. Then they would see. Even the blind man across the bed would see her coward soul. She wouldn’t be able to stand that. She wouldn’t live to see his disappointment.

 

Tears threatened to overcome her again as she realized that she would rather prove herself more a coward and kill herself, rather than face real judgement. ‘I’m a coward. I’m a blood, flaming coward. You’re afraid of him! Afraid of the man you love because you are afraid to take a chance! Afraid he’ll reject you! Afraid he’ll find out who you really are! You’re only proving it right! You coward! Coward! Coward… Coward… Coward… Coward… coward coward coward…’

 

With that word ringing in her head, another part of her stepped in. The only thing that could ever overcome her cowardice was her stubbornness. “Orion…†She broke the silence that had again fallen between them. “Orion, we leave at dawn tomorrow, I’ll meet you at the West Gate.†She took another deep breath as though finally admitting what she was doing to herself. “We leave for Bander Eban.â€

[Kael]

Orion drew his arms back and began to move away from the bed as Estel did the same. "I'm sorry, Orion. I… I just… I'm just… not ready yet. It's too soon." Orion simply nodded, feeling hollow as Estel rejected him once again. He sighed softly as the pieces of his heart that had been pulling themselves together fell apart anew. Estel had admitted that she loved him, but it seemed there was to much between them to matter. He still would never have her.

 

"Orion…" Orion didn't move, didn't even acknowledge Estel was speaking to him. He couldn't muster the energy to do anything but stand. He felt empty though he should feel exuberant. The woman he loved still returned the feeling, but beneath it all he was still no closer to her. The wall between them was still high, and even with the few cracks in it it still remained strong.

 

"Orion, we leave at dawn tomorrow, I'll meet you at the West Gate. We leave for Bander Eban." A small victory, at least Orion would not have to endure her leaving again. But would the trip prove any easier with her than without. Day after day of wishing for something that will never be.

 

"Then dawn it is." Orion turned to leave, taking small steps and using his memory to guide him out of Estel's room. He stopped in the doorway, turning his head so he could speak to Estel. "For what it's worth. I'm sorry that I ever hurt you. If I could change the past I would do it in a heart beat."

 

Orion let out a long breath and started his slow walk from the room and to the door, the fact that he could not see the room he was walking through all the more obvious as old wounds had been opened and his greatest fault made plainly obvious once again.

 

 

Orion