Finally Free!! (attn Perivar)

[Sieve]

Sometimes Perivar thought that Kabria could use a maid as well as a handful of other servants...and a pack mule.  He did well enough for the latter but the others would be welcomed.  He was pretty sure that she enjoyed using him so.  She loaded him down with a saddle for extra measure explaining that it was for her missing Green sister, Chalinda.  He did not think the saddle was just to add more weight to his load.  For all her fiery temper she had a very soft side.  Kabria was more than kind.  She was very generous with coin and gifts.  If he had a hand free he would have clasped hers.  She did not show her softer side often though it warmed him to no end when she did.  Kabria gave him additional tasks and instructions then walked away with him watching her departure.  It was sad, so much time wasted arguing and being mad or upset with each other.  Wasted effort he thought, he hated arguing with her.

 

Perivar returned to their rooms as Kabria was retying a bundle.  She made a comment about wanting to fit in.  The feeling through the bond made him study her face, he noticed a slight red tinge to her cheeks.  What was that about?  She got up and walked away leaving him confused.  Why make a comment and then walk away?  This was not going well but he was not good at making thingg right.  Easier for him to attempt to wade through a fist of trollocs.

 

Kabria sent him to hunt down a Novice to have dinner brought to their rooms.  Fortunately it did not take long for less than an hour later a white clad novice entered their quarters with a tray full of food.  They ate in silence, Perivar making as if studying the food in front of him or the mug containing tea.  He relaxed visibly after she walked from the sitting room into the bedchamber.  It should not be like this.  He felt like a firework that was about to explode.

 

The only way he knew to blow off steam and clear his head was to work the forms.  Perivar made for the door and was surprised to find it locked.  He reached into his belt pouch to retrieve the key then attempted to open the door to know avail.  He stared at the lock then the door wondering what was amiss.  The lock was unlocked yet the door would not budge.  No amount of force would move it a hair. 

 

Perivar turned then walked to the small bedchamber, the one that she had no intention of him using yet it saw use on their first night together in their new quarters.  Surprisingly that door would not budge either.  Perivar growled an oath then stormed into the bedchamber.  She sat there with that calm Aes Sedai serenity that said all was right in the world.  The door clicked shut and he glanced over his shoulder.  He did not have to try the door to know that it was barred.  Kabria's look spoke volumes.

 

“It’s good to see that you can show some emotions, other than for duty.”  Was she mad?  He had shown emotion.  All that did was cause her to shout at him.  “Since you have no other choice, talk to me Perivar. I know there are things you want to say.”  No, he didn't want to say a damned thing, he wanted to go work the forms in the yard.  At least with those he had a chance, here was another matter.

 

As if to mack him she let the blankets fall to her waist.  The thin silk robe left little to the imagination.  "Light Kabria this is not fair!  Using the power this way is wrong.  I would never think of holding you against your will, it is unthinkable!  You would never stand for it!"  Perivar glared at her though it seemed to have no effect.  Damn Aes Sedai serenity, she talked of him lacking emotion then sat there as if all was right in the world.

 

Perivar could not even look at her.  He was beyond angry and it pained him to be so angry with her.  It should not be this way.  Perivar walked to the window that offered a view of the yard.  "Since I have no choice..."  He did not feel like talking, he was stubborn as the day is long though he knew she would not let him leave without speaking his mind.  "I really have nothing to say but you will not accept that."  He let moments pass without another word as he thought what to say.

 

"You are setting me up to fail.  You know I am not good at this though you seem to take pleasure in seeing me fall on my face.  I don't get it.  If not for the bond I might not believe that you love me."  He saw others working the forms and was jealous.  At least with the forms he stood a chance.

 

"I love your passion and your fiery temper though sometimes I think it is a little misguided.  No I am not perfect, I am full of faults but you tell me that I don't show emotion though when I do you call me down for it.  I don't understand what you want from me."

 

"I cannot help what thoughts creep into my head.  Ooh I know you love me, I have proof but it still does not erase the pain completely."  His words trailed as his thoughts drifted.

 

Perivar sat in the mess hall listening to other Tower Guards spinning their tales.  One particular story caught his attention.  Shock and disbelief wracked him.  It was a lie, it had to be yet deep down inside he knew that it was not.

 

Hurriedly he pushed the thought away.  He quickly formed the void pushing everthing into it.  He did not want to relive the event.  Why did she not just let it rest?  He would get over it, it would just take more time.  In void all of those thoughts were as if from another person.  They were outside the void as if they were not his very own.

 

When he continued his voice was flat and devoid of emotion.  "You always said that it hurt you worse but you have no idea Kabria.  None at all.  I believe that it caused you pain and that you wish it did not happen but it did.  I wish it didn't happen, it upsets me to no end that it caused you pain.  In a way I feel responsible.  I should not have walked away that night but I was hurt.  I did something horrible in your eyes and I could not take you looking at me as if I had strangle a little defenseless lamb."  Could she not understand that he could feel pain, he could hurt just like any mortal person.  He felt the protest forming on her lips.  "No"  He held up a hand though he still did not look at her.  "I am not trying to dredge up the past.  I would put it as far from my mind if I could.  Honestly it does not all that often yet I cannot control when it chooses to enter my mind."

 

"You act as if I am made of stone.  I am not Kabria, I am a man.  I hurt, I bleed, I feel pain just like any other.  I cannot help the thoughts that creep into my head anymore than I can go back and change the past.  When I saw you yesterday with the Tower Guard it just hit me.  I did not ask for it yet it was there.  I apologized to you for letting it get to me yet you screamed insults at me in front of everyone as if I had just committed the worst crime imaginable.  I don't understand why you get so angry with me over something I cannot control.  I would if I could, believe me I would.  It is not about love either.  I know that you love me beyond a shadow of a doubt.  It is not that at all, a blind man could see it.  Still knowing that you love me does not erase the past or what thoughts enter my mind.  It does not make me any less jealous when you are close with another man."

 

He took a deep breath, it was as if he had been doing physical labor all day.  "I cannot stand arguing with you.  Our idle time should not be spent like this.  I hate that I irritate you so but I don't know what I can do differently to avoid your displeasure with me.  If there is something I can do then please name it for I don't know what to do.  I know that I am far from perfect.  I beg you Kabria, I don't want to waste our days being angry with each other."

 

 

[Eqwina]

It was an implacable enemy of the life they chose, that they would see death in their every day. It was why only a few doors from where they sat was a room dedicated to sister’s who had fallen doing their duty.

 

Sighing Kabria leaned back against the headboard and closed her eyes. Did he really think she thought him a stone? That she enjoyed these fights? That she would intentionally set him up to fail? If he truly thought those things of her how could he love her as he claimed? Had she been wrong about the feeling through the bond? It seemed impossible but if he spoke like this, who knew what could be true.

 

With his voice like iron and his eyes as flat Kabria got a chill. Many had commented on his impassable stone exterior, but they never saw what she did. He would not allow anyone else to see his charms; His delicious softness and gentle touch, or his vulnerability and dry wit. One thing Kabria knew certain was that he thought himself less educated than her, she often felt it when he had to make speeches as he did now. It was ludicrous and far from the truth, but trying to tell him that and make him believe would be trying to squeeze water from a stone. He could make her for stuborness.

 

At this moment Kabria felt as if their problems were insurmountable, but she was not willing to give up….not yet.

 

“You have said what you feel, which is all I wanted. So you may go if you wish. You will find the doors unlocked. Just know that I did not trap you hear to torture you, or to try and make you look like a fool as you think. I only wanted you to open up; with the bond you may assume there is no need of words, but Perivar you’re a closed book to me some days, more days than I would like. I just..I had to know what you were thinking.” Her voice cracked at the last and shattered the serenity she held so hard to. 

 

Tears were not something she shed freely, but with all the words and pain that had passed between them she couldn’t hold them at bay. Silent tears rolled down her cheeks, but this time she did not turn away. “Please, you can go Perivar. I promise you will find the doors as they should be.”

 

A caustic acid began to churn in her stomach and Kabria had to look away. It was breaking her heart for them to fight, and making her sick to know the things he thought. Her feet itched to run but she made herself stand her ground. She’d never before run from something she was scared to face, and she would not start now. Trepidation pulsed through her veins, more fear than she even knew how to express, but still she stood; feeling his eyes on her back. ‘This is not how this is supposed to be!!’ None of their lives together was how it was supposed to be.

 

“If you are not going to go, do you mind if I try and sleep?” She spoke in a near whisper to the wall, but she knew he heard. He’d not taken a step or made a sound since she’d started to speak. 

 

Making herself face him again she wiped the tears from her cheeks and crawled into their bed. The silk sheets were hardly noticed as she pulled them up to her chin and rolled away from where he stood. The only sound she could hear was the beating of her own heart and the steady drip of her tears as they hit the pillow. She had wanted him to talk, wanted to hear what he thought and now she would pay the price for always having to get her way.

 

Sleep wouldn't come..her mind raced...

 

It had seemed innocent enough at the time, a Tower Guard helping to instruct an Aes Sedai, but she should have known that some wounds would still be too fresh for Perivar.  In her own heart they were not longer wounds, but scars. Scars that she would always carry with her and she very much feared that tonight would add another.

 

Kabria often told herself that she didn’t regret their bond; she was in love with him and who better to guard her back? But another small voice had always whispered furiously at her. ‘Love is not a good enough reason to bond’ ‘You will share all of your life, and your secrets with one person, do you really want to do that with a lover?’ It was a constant chatter, like a fly buzzing through a room, but she wanted so much for thing to be perfect that she always ignored its words. Now instead of warnings they spoke taunts, causing her fresh wounds to bleed.

 

Kabria would not release him of his bond, not that, not ever, but something had to change…. If only she could make him understand that her mistakes were out of ignorence, not spite. 

 

[Sieve]

Perivar felt as if he could not move.  He felt numb but his thoughts raced.  What he felt through the bond completely differed from her previously composed exterior.  Light he was a fool for not seeing it earlier.  He took the bond for granted and knew it.  He had taken so many things for granted.  He had never been good at expressing himself.  He spent his whole life guarding his emotions and now it had become even worse as he let the bond speak for him.  No woman could love a stone, not for long at least.

 

Perivar did not know what to say but he knew that leaving was not the right thing to do.  He wanted to leave, what if he said the wrong thing?  What if words failed him.  The choice he made now could be monumental.  Perivar knew he had to say something.  Something to set things right.  He cursed himself for letting it go this far.  Felt shame enough to topple him for causing her pain.  He loved her and the last thing he wanted was for her to be unhappy.  Worse he did not want to be the cause.  Her tears tore at his heart yet he could not move.  He still felt numb as if his feet were firmly planted to the floor.  What if she meant it when she told him to leave?  He could not face that, not ever. 

 

This had to end.  Finally he made himself move towards the bed.  Laying down he snuggled up against her back wrapping his arm around her.  The feel of his body against hers felt right.  His voice was soft though full of emotion when he spoke.  His head rested near hers and a softer voice seemed appropriate.  "I'm sorry, I am not good with words or expressing my feelings...I know that you feel it through the bond but that can't be enough.  I...I guess I have become used to not having to say how I feel or saying what is on my mind.  I was never that good at it to begin with.  It is nice to feel the love through the bond and know it for true, but it is nice to hear the words.  I have tried so hard to be the weapon that you need that I have forgotten about being a man." 

 

Kabria turned to face him.  Her cheeks were still wet which stung his heart.  The hurt he felt through the bond made his eyes well up.  He gently brushed her cheeks with his fingertips.  "When you are happy your musical voice resonates in my ears, it warms my heart.  When I read the little book of poems and words of inspiration that you gave to me it is your voice that I hear.  When we are apart I finger the ring and think of you, I touch my chest, here"  He touched his chest where the tattoo with her name and family crest was.  "and I think of you.  When I see the sun in the sky it is your face that fills my vision.  When I sleep it is thoughts of you that fill my dreams.  Please believe me when I say that I do not try to make you angry with me, it truly tears me apart when you are upset.  Whatever I do wrong I assure you that I do by mistake.  I am still learning how to be a lover, a friend, and a man.  It seems I have much more to learn than I thought.  I'm sorry Kabria."  He gently kissed her forehead then lost himself in her eyes.   

[Eqwina]

The rustle of the sheets and the shifting of weight on the bed made Kabria twitch, but she didn’t lift her head. She let Perivar wrap himself around her and laced her fingers with his. When their hands touched there was a spark and both exhaled deeply. It was another bridge crossed instead of burned, and she knew now they would come across unscathed.  Rolling over to meet his gaze she tried to stop the tears, but they continued to fall unbidden to the sheets.

 

“…Whatever I do wrong I assure you that I do by mistake.  I am still learning how to be a lover, a friend, and a man.  It seems I have much more to learn than I thought.  I'm sorry Kabria."

 

“I am sorry too Perivar. I was a..I was foolish.” As sorry as she was Kabria’s pride would not allow her to name herself a fool. “I was thinking only of myself and my knives. Not of what it looked like to anyone else, or how it would make you feel. It was innocent on my end, but until he found out I was Aes Sedai I cannot say it was for him. That shames me,  that I would keep even that back.” She felt him tense, but continued on, only pausing enough to give him a weak smile. “Then to yell at you, in the halls! I think I could live 100 lives and never again wish to be as foolish as that. When it comes to men, and to love, and to having a warder, and even to being Aes Sedai I feel like I am lost in the dark. Like I am feeling my way blindly and the next step could be my last.”

 

“I don’t want to anger you or to lose you over something as foolish as my temper. I can’t promise to never be angry, I know that occasionally I can have something of a temper, but I swear I will never act as I did today.”

 

“I…I feel like there have been too many apologies between us, too many fights. I will do my best to make that stop. No two people should have to live that way. And..um..we certainly should try and stop making spectacles of ourselves. It can’t do well for our reputations, unless of course you want us cemented as a unfeeling stone face, and a psychotic wild fire.” She managed a small laugh.

 

 

“Heh..we really are quite the pair aren’t we? I don’t think the Tower has ever before seen the likes of us. Perhaps it is good we leave in the morning. It will give them time to forgot our most recent display.”Leaning in she kissed him, softly at first, but when his arms wrapped around her passion took over and then spent the night making up.

 

OOC: I was thinking we could start another thread for leaving Tar Valon, unless we want his one to be 20 pages long

 

[Sieve]

 

OOC: I was thinking we could start another thread for leaving Tar Valon, unless we want his one to be 20 pages long

 

 

((OOC:  Sounds good to me.))