I demand answers! (attn Corwin)

[Eqwina]

With a sharp look and a few words she had Corwin at her side and headed for her rooms in the Tower.

She could feel that he was still weak and starving besides. Stopping the first young woman she found she ordered enough food for 5 men and said that it was to be delivered “with all haste”. 

 

Being this close to him was rare. Since they’d returned to the Tower for the second time they did not spend much time together. He had his training in the Yards and she her duties as Ajah Head. Plus, ever since she’d broken down and begged him to stay she could not make herself meet his eye. It was shaming that a woman of her strength and prominence had to chase down her Warder and hog tie him so that he didn’t leave. That secret was known only to the two them and Eqwina was prepared to make sure that it always stayed that way.

 

As the head of the Yellow Ajah she was afforded a few more luxuries than most Sisters. Her sitting room was a trifle larger and she had another smaller she could use with more intimate guests. Her sleeping chambers were twice the size of any other and she had a dressing room and a small apartment attached for a personal servant or..a warder? Silence still reigned as she poured them both water and lit a fire in the hearth of her smaller sitting room. It was not that she had nothing to say, she was just unsure of where to begin. Also, some small, foolish, part of her still hoped that Corwin would come clean and confess without her need to ask.

 

Sick of the silence and the suspense Eqwina sat her goblet down carefully on the mahogany side table, inlaid with mother of pearl, and sighed. “ I heard what that young woman said to you Corwin….what she called you. Were you going to tell me that you had a daughter? One that lived within these walls”Her voice was as cool as a winter’s night, but her green eyes flashed with anger. He hadn’t lied, but he’d certainly hid the truth, a truth that as his bonded she had the right to know.

 

[Corwin]

Corwin went with Eqwina still pondering what was going on.  Walking while lost in thought always sped up time it seemed.  Before he knew it, they were at her rooms.  Corwin had avoided this place for a long time, but if she wanted him here, then Corwin would oblige her.  She took him to her private room though... one that means she must mean business...

 

Corwin snapped out of his thoughts when Eqwina posed her question.  Corwin thought for a few moments though before his response.  I never made her a secret.  I thought most in the Yard knew, and when you heard about me, I thought you would know she was my daughter.  Corwin paused for a bit wondering what more he could really say when he decided she must want a bit more of an explanation.  With a sigh he set into the story, When I had lost Eleanore I went through the worst time of my life.  I was drinking myself to death and one night a lady from the Yard came to me, and We had a one night stand... years later she came here and said she was my daughter.  The only way I knew for sure was the things she knew about the night that one the woman knew, and the resemblance.  Corwin felt the bond to try and tell what she was feeling.

 

Corwin didn't know what to think though, her back was to him while she stared out the window.  But once he finished she turned to look at him, and suddenly Corwin knew what it was he felt, for a moment she reminded him so much of Calliste, but Corwin didn't know what to do about this.

[Eqwina]

It was true, she could not call him a liar no matter how much she may wish it. Standing she glided over to the window and stood staring down into the gardens below. Her head was a mix of emotions, anger, regret, jealousy and it took all her concentration to keep them from pouring towards him through the bond. If he knew what she was feeling he would turn and run; faster than had when she’d chased him away.

 

Turning back to face him her face was smooth and her eyes gave nothing away, even her voice managed to covey disinterest. “Why would you think I would know every rumor that floats through the yards? I have better things to do with my day than sort through the hundreds of sordid rumors that float around the Tower.”

 

She had to proceed carefully, dealing with Corwin was always a delicate dance. Too fast and he would flee, but allow him too long to think and she would end up being trampled. He had proved to be a formidable partner in the battle of wits. “Perhaps I should have asked if you had any children, but you understand that its not a question most Sisters would think to ask.” Most of the time Corwin was a closed book, but he’d shared this without too much prying perhaps now was a time to try for more.

 

“Are there any other secrets that you think I should know? Any other children? Or past lovers that will show up at our door with a grown child in toe? I suppose I should ask if you are married as well.”

 

“Well?” she looked at him expectantly with unblinking eyes.

 

[Corwin]

Corwin stared at her for a moment.  She was walling him from her emotions, thus he didn't know what her motivation for all of this was suddenly.  She is the only one I know of.  Most of my lovers were among the Greens.  However none of them have come forward with a child to my knowledge, but I haven't seen most all of them in years.  I don't think they are even in the Tower anymore.  I have very few lovers out of the Greens.  I never got married because of Calliste's death.  After that I began to not take lovers anymore because of Eleanore.  When she killed Calliste I realized no woman is safe with me.  I guess you would know why that is... but I haven't even seen Eleanore in even longer, I'm sure you know more of where she is then I do.  Corwin stared in her eyes for a bit before he added one last part, Sometimes I wish I could take another, but I wouldn't risk her to Eleanore.  That is why I have no love in my heart, even Liitha I don't show much love toward so that Eleanore doesn't suddenly show up and kill her.

[Eqwina]

The only one he knew of! Light how many women did you have to be with to be unsure?

 

Were it possible for a woman like her, a woman who dealt death like other baked pies, to grow colder in her heart --Eqwina managed right then. She was far too old to harbor fancies that all relationships were perfect, but she did know something of the Warder bond. Other than what she’d experienced with Corwin and yet she had not known it was possible for two people to share something so intimate and yet no nothing about each other.

 

Retaking her seat across from him Eqwina tried not to show her shock at the information he’d revealed or at the fact he had revealed so much. It was uncharacteristic of him to be so open with her, especially with subjects touching on his former Aes Sedai. Perhaps after all this time he was growing to trust. That thought opened possibilities in her devious mind that she was almost fearful to explore. Breaking that child Arath had been a joy, but also an easy conquest. Nothing at all like breaking a man like Corwin would be, and yet she could summon no real excitement at the notion. “I guess you would know why that is... but I haven't even seen Eleanore in even longer, I'm sure you know more of where she is then I do.”

 

Eqwina’s eyebrow quirked and she looked at him with a wry expression. He knew of her dedication to the Dark Lord, if not how tightly she was held. But she did not think he knew that she set on the head of the Supreme Council, which meant that she knew the whereabouts of every Black Sister…living or dead. It had to have been just a turn of phrase, or a simple mention stating that she was Aes Sedai and knew more of the inner workings than he ever word. And still Corwin had surprised her before, it would do her well to remember to be careful where he was concerned.

 

“Sometimes I wish I could take another, but I wouldn't risk her to Eleanore.  That is why I have no love in my heart, even Liitha I don't show much love toward so that Eleanore doesn't suddenly show up and kill her.”

 

Her laugh was rich and filled the small face, but carried a hint of her anger. “I do not think you will be taking a lover any time soon Gaidin. I do not take it well when other women poach on what is mine, but….” Her creamy silk skin glowed in the fire light and her full lips twisted into a smile. “ if it will put your mind at ease I can tell you that Eleanore will not be troubling you again anytime soon, or ever if I have my way.”

 

Let him think of those words for awhile, it would be good for him to know what a powerful woman he’d tied himself to. “ We both know that I always get what I want.”

 

“You have to know that you are not the only one whose heart has hardened beyond the capacity of love. I thought my heart dead when Nevin left and once again when I killed Isha, but I was wrong on both accounts. No..my heart died the day I left the Fortress. It was in that place that I learned that the heart was a useless organ, and of use only in manipulation.” Her revealing some of her past would only cause more questions in his mind. He could have no idea who Nevin was or Isha and no real idea of the Fortress, but it felt good to be able to share herself with someone.

 

She smiled at him again, this time making her anger plain. “ Even though my heart is black as the darkest night, do not think that I am beyond jealousy.”

[Corwin]

Corwin could feel her anger through the bond and made an effort not to let it reflect and grow in him.  This close, their emotions felt like one to him.  He had to work to not let hers take over.  It didn't matter though, he could see her opinion from so many things from what she had said.  Obviously she had some kind of power in her sisterhood.  And she thought her heart was gone, yet she showed emotion very strongly.  You lost your heart the moment you gave up on it, yet you let it's rage and darker emotions though, else you would be beyond jealousy.  Corwin thought a moment before throwing his last part in, she wasn't one to mess with, but Corwin had to say it.  As to getting what you want, well sometimes it will never be who we think.  Look in a mirror, the one you want has thousands of faces, but none of them are mine.  But that first one always in Nevin.

 

Corwin braced himself for her reaction.  She had fits of anger, but he was going to face this one head on.  She probably wanted him to pry, maybe this was even a thing to get him jealous, bringing up another man, but Corwin forced himself to get beyond that when he was in the Mountains of Mist.  His feelings no longer mattered, he had his duty to her and he wasn't going to let a heart he had given up on years ago get in his way.

[Eqwina]

Eqwina’s full lips pursed and she looked at Corwin with murder in her eyes. It was one thing for her to bring up her past, but it was entirely another for him to mock her pain. “ Nevin was more a man than you could ever be, and you are correct. In my eyes he is the perfect man, but I am not a fool. I gave up on that dream years ago. There is no doubt in my mind that Nevin is already dead and gone. Can you say the same of Eleanor?”

 

It was a vicious remark and it wasn’t fighting fair, but his comment had hurt her. No one had caused her such pain in years, she thought she was beyond such petty emotions, but since bonding Corwin she had learned how much of her heart she still possessed.

 

“How do you know she is not out there waiting for you? Pining for you? Spending her ever waking hour thinking of you? That is not a pain I could live with if I were you.” For a brief moment she felt his agony, but just as quick he’d resumed his mask and was a roaring fire of anger again. Why did she let him hurt her so much? Why did she continue you fight with him, when disposing of him would be easier?

 

[Corwin]

Corwin felt the agony of basing his life on Eleanore, but she had no idea what she was talking about.  She's not pining for me because she would be in bed with Teslan.  Eleanore never pined for me.  You found your love and you will never be beyond him.  Your hero has those thousand faces, but mine is one the face that isn't his.  The face that is in the shadows and stays there, only coming in when needed.  My pain is one that will always be there and not over Eleanore.  Corwin didn't care now, he got up to try and leave, but found Eqwina didn't quite want him to leave yet.

[Eqwina]

“Is walking away from me always your answer Corwin Gaidin?” Wrapping him in flows of air she stopped him just short of the door. Her words were quiet, almost a whisper but they carried an intensity. “ Are you so afraid of me that you have to run away? Does it scare you that I remind you that you have a heart? Or is it that I ignite fires in you that you’re afraid to feel?”

 

Walking over and leaning against the door she held his gaze. “I am not to proud to admit that you scare me. In the months since we’ve bonded I have chased you half way across the world and begged you to stay, I have effaced myself and groveled. I do not act that way for a man, any man. I am the Head of the Yellow Ajah and of the Black. I have been to the Pit of Doom and faced my Master. I did not think there was any fear left in me Corwin, but you….you make me afraid. Because if I can feel something for you, perhaps my heart is not as lost as I once thought.”

[Corwin]

Corwin stood there staring at her, that was all he could do.  But she was hitting cords that he didn't realize were there.   "Are you so afraid of me that you have to run away? Does it scare you that I remind you that you have a heart? Or is it that I ignite fires in you that you’re afraid to feel?”  Part of him wanted to come out and say it, but it didn't matter, because things were quickly suppressed.  She thought she knew him, but Corwin didn't let anyone know him.

 

Before he could say anything though, she came around the throw another "punch" at him.  “I am not to proud to admit that you scare me. In the months since we’ve bonded I have chased you half way across the world and begged you to stay, I have effaced myself and groveled. I do not act that way for a man, any man. I am the Head of the Yellow Ajah and of the Black. I have been to the Pit of Doom and faced my Master. I did not think there was any fear left in me Corwin, but you….you make me afraid. Because if I can feel something for you, perhaps my heart is not as lost as I once thought.”  Corwin stared at her and felt her emotions building, mostly her anger.  She thought she knew so much about him, she thought because of one slip of his emotions, she could tell it all.  But she had not idea just how closed he could be.  She had no idea what brought him to where he was now.  Calliste had been the motivation for his life for years, but he had learned to put that to rest.  Some days he wished he had her back, some days he wished he knew the child, but things were best this way.

 

Eqwina was a beautiful woman, but he didn't let his hormones control him anymore.  Love was something that was built, and he didn't see himself building it with this woman.  She was too manipulative, and she was a spoiled brat.  She admitted as much when she said she gets what she wants.  Well if Corwin was something she wanted, she would have to change that.  Corwin was in no mood to be her toy.

 

Finally he decided to talk some, You think that you know me so well, but you have no idea.  My heart is closed.  You have done things I have no idea why you do.  I would think you would have come to undo the bond and leave it at that.  You say I scare you, I think it's the fact I have holed myself away, I got rid of those things years ago and you don't know how to handle my lack of emotions.  Just like everyone else.  Everyone thinks you just are a closed book, or a hermit, or a lunatic, or anything else, when all it is, is you have found a way to distance yourself from your feelings.  Corwin ignored her last comment about her heart.  He knew his feelings, and he wasn't going to risk it on her.  She had given her feelings about the heart being an organ only used for manipulation, well he wasn't going to let her know anything about his for her.

[Eqwina]

“You think you are so smart Corwin, but you are not. You’re a fool and a child. You say that you cannot feel, you think yourself so aloof when really you are an open book to me. I cannot claim to know every recess of your mind, but..I know enough.”

 

Her eyes burned with the rage she felt in her stomach and her tiny hands were bawled up in fists at her sides. “If there was no heart in you.” She reached up and poked him in the chest. “No emotion, no fire, no heat or passion in your words, then perhaps…just perhaps I would believe that you have no heart, but time and time again you have let your guard down enough for me to know that you are only a child running scared from what you are afraid to admit.”

 

She walked over and regained her seat by the fire, looking up and him with commanding eyes and a slight smirk. “ Let me take a guess..you tell yourself that you stay with me out of duty, or honor or whatever it is you men think when you think with your swords, but that is not the real reason. I real reason is that some part of you is fascinated by me, and I think there is another part of you, as much as you would hate to admit it, that likes me and cares for me.” She paused a moment allowing her words to sink in.

“I was a fool once, thinking that I could bully you and push you to what I wanted, I relented in that did I not my Gaidin? I have learned your ways as you are learning mine and I am not afraid to admit that I care for you. I hope that our years together can be long for I cannot see another as my sword. You….challenge me and are not afraid to speak your mind. More fool me, but I enjoy your brutish honesty, it can be very droll always having people scrap and bow in your presence.” Eqwina poured herself another drink and watched Corwin over the rim of her goblet as she sipped the wine. Anger boiled in her veins, but a thin line of contentment and an even smaller of amusement passed through as well. So often she lied without thinking and it was refreshing to be able to be honest, especially when it served her own ends.

 

[Corwin]

All Corwin could do was stand there, simply he wanted to leave and just distract his mind from her judgments.  But is she right?  Corwin suppressed the thought with brutish force and felt annoyed at her assessment.  Especially when she poked him in the chest and thew in, ...just perhaps I would believe that you have no heart, but time and time again you have let your guard down enough for me to know that you are only a child running scared from what you are afraid to admit.

 

Corwin had tried so hard over the years to suppress that fire, but it seems she knew he could never be fully rid of it.  Yet when she went behind him and threw in Let me take a guess..you tell yourself that you stay with me out of duty, or honor or whatever it is you men think when you think with your swords, but that is not the real reason. I real reason is that some part of you is fascinated by me, and I think there is another part of you, as much as you would hate to admit it, that likes me and cares for me. the only thing that kept Corwin from stiffening was her flows of air.  She was going for the heart of it all, and as typical of her, she was going for it head on.  As she was quite Corwin felt himself rocked to the core, was it duty he was hiding behind?  Why had he accepted her bond?  It was one question Corwin had yet to answer for himself.

 

Corwin didn't know what to make of her thoughts of him either.  He had never been anything else but forward with his thoughts, so it shouldn't have surprised her that he wouldn't be bowing and running at her beck and call.  Corwin could also feel the overwhelming anger from her, but he never cared for that.   As he stayed with his back to her, he could feel that anger building as he didn't look at her, until finally she exploded, Look at me you stubourn child! to which Corwin could only reply You would have to release me first.

 

Feeling the flows leave, Corwin turned to stare at the woman, not even hiding the irritation from his face.  Part of it was probably feeding off her anger, but he didn't care to stop his emotions from reflecting hers.  If I'm such an open book to you, and such a fool and a child, then why bother with this?  If you know so much about the person I am then why try to get me to admit something I would "hate to admit"?  No, you say I'm fascinated by you and that's why I'm still here, and that I would hide behind duty because I think with my sword, yet what was it that brought you to that clearing?  You knew nothing of what I was doing, yet you felt it.  Our lives are bound by duty to each other.  Corwin didn't know how to let that finally get through to her.

 

You came looking for me saying you needed someone to watch out for you.  I showed you the person I was from the start, there's no reason why you should expect me I kneel to you, I will NEVER do that.  You say you care for me, yet not too long ago I remember you having a child, one that I helped train, eating from the palm of your hand.  I don't even want to know what you did with him, that is part of your business that I just don't pry into.  Yet now that he's gone, you care about me?  No... things don't build that quickly.

[Eqwina]

With the room already safely warded from eavesdropping Eqwina had no qualms against throwing her head back and screaming at the top of her lungs. Every pent up frustration and aggression came out in her scream. Her face was read and she could hear a slight ringing in her ears by the time her voice quieted.

 

Corwin’s shock was plain on his face and there was something else she saw, perhaps a tinge of amusement? But she passed that by with out a second thought. Her hands shook with rage and it took everything she had not to rip him limb from limb.

 

“Every time I speak you latch on to the most trivial part of what I say, and throw it back in my face. What brought me to that clearing you ask? It is simple and at the same time more complex than you know. To say it the simplest way I know how….I’m fascinated by your ability to break through my exterior calm and to make me feel emotions until I feel like a will burst. I am not asking you to kneel to me or to be my lesser. I have not asked you those things since I learned the truth of how strong a man you are, and yet you still, in your mind, seem to think that I want to manipulate you or make you a toy.”

 

Her outraged scream had made her voice rasp and she coughed as she yelled her words at him. “I am beginning to think that you with NEVER understand! Again you call out your own lie. You ask after Arath and how I broke him, if you truly had no heart you wouldn’t care.”

 

Standing up she walked over to him and stood craning her neck to look up into his eyes. Eqwina’s sparking green eyes narrowed. “I saw you as a sword arm and a lowly man barely worth my notice and over the months we traveled together I began to see you as more; As a challenge and a partner. Try as I would I could break you or make you bend, push, twist, pull as I might you never moved. It takes a strong man to stand up to an Aes Sedai and I respect your stubborn courage and pride, but this” Her arms flung wide as she motioned to the space around the two of them. “this…has to stop. I do not wish to fight. I do not have the strength or the time. I have tried to come to you and tell you how I feel. The jealousy I felt today when I thought you were with another woman, and the fear when I felt you dying. And still you can do nothing but fling your duty and my past shames in my face.”

 

Her eyes opened to their usual doe like appearance and after a moment they closed, with her lips slightly parted and a grim set to her cheeks. She preformed novice exercises in her head, trying to calm her roaring flames. Again she found herself begging the man. It was too shameful to even face. Not since Nevin had a man made her such a witless fool.  When she was sure that she would not scream again and that she would not say something she would regret Eqwina opened her eyes and looked at her Gaidin. “I give up Corwin, I give up. I will accept that you are staying with me out of duty and that the dynamic of our relationship will never change, but perhaps over time we will learn to fight less.” A dull ache had formed behind her eyes and Eqwina’s chest heaved with the effort of holding her anger at bay. “You should eat my Gaidin, you will be hungry after your healing.”

 

Turning her back on him so that she would not have to see his face she walked over to the window and stood staring down at the garden. There was nothing left to say…what a fool she was. She was a woman of great power and influence and yet she could not even influence her Warder to stop resenting her for her choices. Not for the first time she questioned her own fitness to lead.

 

[Corwin]

Corwin stood there feeling her emotions through the bond.  She didn't even both to hide physically she was put out.  As she stood there at the window, Corwin could see her slouched shoulders.  Taking a deep breath, Corwin walked over and wrapped her up and said quietly in her ear You're stronger than this and you know it.  Perhaps he had been too harsh to her, but he didn't know how things were going to change.  He wasn't going to stop giving her his opinion.  You're right I do hide behind my duty, but that is merely because it's one thing I am certain of.  Your ask me to step into an unknown area.

 

Corwin didn't know what he was doing really, she had said she had given up on him, so why would he do this now?  But it was something he felt was the right thing to do.

[Eqwina]

Eqwina’s breath caught and her jaw dropped before she could stop it. The only time Corwin had ever held her he’d thought she was Eleanor and he’d had her trussed up like a duck for market. Her tiny soft hand reached up to grip his wrist and as her fingers tightened she laid her cheek on the back of his hand. “You are the most complicated man I have ever met Corwin, but…..thank you.” He was right, she was stronger than this, but somehow he always managed to tie her in knots until she hardly knew which way was up. “It seems that even Aes Sedai need comfort every now and then.” Turning around she laced her arms around his waist and laid her head on his chest. Eqwina closed her eyes and listened to the beat of his heart as her anger melted away and she found herself feeling content.

 

She held no delusions that this would be an end to their fights; they were both too stubborn by half and lived their lives with too much passion, but perhaps now it would not come to the One Power and screaming.

 

For the first time in what felt like 100 years Eqwina felt content, and safe. Two words she never thought she’d use when referring to a man.

 

[Corwin]

Corwin felt her emotions as she turned around to face him, but this time he didn't bother to school his emotions.  They would reflect each others and build on them as well, but Eqwina needed this.  Something he wasn't necessarily opposed to doing, but something he hadn't done in a long time.  Corwin tried to think back to the last time he had even held Liitha, but he couldn't think of a single time.

 

Sometimes we just don't see the comfort when it's been there all along.  He didn't really know how that applied, but it was all that came to mind.  And sometimes we fight against it so much it's hard to find again.  Corwin didn't know if things were going to become complicated with Eqwina now, but really that didn't matter much to him.  He would simply have to find another way to fulfill his duty if need be.

[Eqwina]

What was she doing! her conscious screamed. She was Aes Sedai, she did not seek comfort in a man’s arms. Men were only good for two things and providing comfort and strength was not one of them. But no matter how much the tiny voice yelled Eqwina couldn’t make herself pull out of Corwin’s arms. 

 

“Sometimes we just don't see the comfort when it's been there all along,and sometimes we fight against it so much it's hard to find again.”

 

At that Eqwina did pull back, but only far enough to look up into his eyes. It was if he had read her mind with those words. She had been fighting against showing any caring for anything living since she’d had to kill Isha, so much so that she almost chased away the best thing that had ever happened to her.

 

In a world where she was “queen” it was invaluable to have someone to remind you that you are still only human, no matter how many airs you put on. On impulse, or perhaps it was a thought that had been building in her mind for some months, but stretching up on tip toe she closed her green eyes and kissed Corwin softly on the lips. She could feel him stiffen against her touch and like a snake she recoiled out of his arms and back several steps before she could breathe.

 

Straightening her skirts and trying to look anywhere but into his eyes she stepped out in the main sitting room and ordered more food, even though some they had was still untouched. When she walked back into her smaller sitting room she took a seat by the fire and poured herself more wine, yet again. “I..um..I may be in need of your services some time soon Corwin. I was thinking of leaving the Tower again.”

[Corwin]

The woman was forward, that Corwin knew, but this was a bit more that he had expected.  Apparently his surprise upset her though because before he could do anything she was gone and back.  Only she felt... agitated in the bond, and even a bit embarrassed.  But she also wouldn't look at him though.  Corwin stood looking at her while he put it together.  It seemed he was watching her a lot lately while he gathered his thoughts.  Thought he was interrupted by her change of subject.

 

I..um..I may be in need of your services some time soon Corwin. I was thinking of leaving the Tower again.

 

Corwin paced back and forth arguing with himself about what he should do.  He could feel his frustration building some, and yet he would just bat it down because he knew what he wanted.  A couple times he even stopped and started to say something, but then dismissed it to pace more.  About his third try he finally go out Don't you try to change this subject.  You know I'll be there when you need to leave.

 

Walking over to her, Corwin took her wine at set it down then picked Eqwina up to take her to her chambers.

[Eqwina]

Eqwina watched from the corner of her eye and Corwin paced back and forth in front of her chair. He seemed intent on his thoughts and on wearing holes in her rug. Once or twice she thought he was going to speak and every time he muttered to himself and continued his slow passage of the room. From the feel in the bond she could only guess that he was arguing with himself, and was unsure of what he’d decided.

 

Finally when he stopped the look in his eyes made Eqwina lean back in her chair. He’d always had a hard stare, but she got the impression that right now he could see into her soul. “ Don't you try to change this subject.  You know I'll be there when you need to leave.”

 

“ I have not always known that Corwin” was all she got out before he took her wine from her hands and sat it next to her on the table. “ What are you doing?! I was drin…” All her other words were lost in a small squeak as he scooped her up into his arms and started carrying her towards her bed chamber. “You….What?!...I….you can’t….” No sentence of hers could form as he kicked the door closed with his toe and started towards the bed. Eqwina’s heart was thundering in her ears and she was caught between indignation and shock as he sat her gently on her mattress. She wanted to say so much to him and at the same time she could not think of any words that would explain the half of what she felt.

 

Looking into his eyes, her face was expressionless as he sat down next to her and returned her stare.

 

Staring into his hard eyes Eqwina tried to discover what she really did feel for the Gaidin in front of her. At her age she was too old to fall in love on a whim, like she’d done before and her focus was her work and her master’s work, not romance. Corwin was a trial and caused her more issues than not, and yet she’d felt jealousy when she thought of him with another woman. It was a confusing mix of voices in her head and she was unsure of how to react.

 

[Corwin]

Corwin could feel shock... and anger, but it wasn't really anger.  Perhaps it was a shamed anger.  Something he didn't know how to react to really.  She had seemed so hurt in a way when she felt his surprise from her kiss, yet now that he was more forward, she was shamed?  This was something he didn't know what to do about.

 

All she did was sit there staring at him, so Corwin decided that maybe he should try not being as forward.  Giving her a kiss, Corwin tried to do something to take away that anger from before.  After some time, Corwin thought maybe another move might be appropriate.  Only once his shirt was gone, he heard her gasp, she hadn't seen his scars before, but he was so confused about this who situation that his anger flared instead.

 

Throwing his shirt back on, Corwin left the room, only saying one thing to Eqwina.  Perhaps I was wrong.

[Eqwina]

When he leaned in and kissed her again, Eqwina’s silent probe of her emotions stopped and for a moment she even forgot to breathe. Since Nevin all the men that had passed through her life had been business, she had never allowed herself to even think about another man…in that way. She could not say if she loved Corwin, or even cared for him as more than Gaidin. That part of her was all too confused, but she could say that she was attracted to him and right now that would be enough.

 

Leaning into the kiss it was all she could do to keep from ripping his shirt off with the Power. She found herself wanting to be completely reckless and yet when his shirt came off her eyes grew wide at the scars that crisscrossed his body. He was more scars than not and it took her breath away. How many times must he have fought to earn all of those? Her tiny fingers reached out, fascinated by the pale white skin, but he pulled away before she could touch him. “Perhaps I was wrong”

 

He said and he stormed out of her rooms before she had the chance to move. “Corwin Narshoba you take another step and I will make you wish I had sliced off your skin and fed it to the wolves, before you see the light of day again.” His back stiffened and he half turned back to look at her. “You will not run away from me again Gaidin”

 

Being as bold as she dared Eqwina wrapped her arms around Corwin neck and kissed him more passionately than she’d ever kissed anyone. Closing her eyes and tangling her hands in his hair as his big arms went around her waist and pulled her feet up off the ground. He had started carrying her back towards the bed chamber when they both heard a knock that was immediately followed by her maid. Flushing to hair at being caught half naked, even with her Warder, Eqwina squirmed until her feet were firmly back on the floor. Not saying a word her stare sent the maid scurrying to place the dishes and flee, but in the short time in took the girl to work she Corwin’s frustration grow and then his doubt. By the time the maid had left the room some of his walls had rebuilt and his shirt was back on. Frustrated and angry at him for being so fickle Eqwina walked back into her bed chambers and slammed the door, turning the lock.

 

If he could turn it off so quickly there was no reason she could not. Flopping down at her desk Eqwina took out a piece of paper and began to write a message to Arath. Perhaps a visit with him with calm her nerves.

 

[Corwin]

Corwin didn't understand the woman.  First she kisses him, and when he is surprised, she gets angry at it, then when he tries to make a move, she's gasps, and not from shock!  No Yellow, or Black, would be shocked over scars.  She talks about caring for him, yet when he tries to get closer to make her happy she just throws it off.  Then when he admits his fault and tries to leave it she tells him he better not then gives him a kiss that would make someone's toes curl, yet when a maid comes she wants away from him as fast as possible and locks him out.  A maid!  Those people see so much all you have to do is send them away, it's not like the woman had never seen two people kiss before, but not for Eqwina, oh no.  Someone sees them together and she wants away immediately.  Well if she was embarrassed to be seen kissing him, then she was embarrassed of him deep down.

 

It didn't matter now though, now he knew her true feelings.  Corwin went over to the door and banged on it a few times, but Eqwina wouldn't answer.  A couple swift kicks got her attention quickly though.  One more and the door would have broken in.  The woman came storming out knocking him away from the door and gave him what must have been her coldest stare.  You don't want to break my door my Gaidin.  Corwin gave her one of his stares in return and simple said Fine, I'm leaving then.  As he left he felt Eqwina staring at him and suddenly he felt himself stopped, I told you that you'll not leave me again Gaidin.  Oh now you want me to stay?  You want me to be here when no one is around, but when someone is here you are embarrassed to be seen with me, is that how it is?

 

Corwin felt the bonds around him lose, and then saw the door open in front of him.  Obviously Eqwina finally agreed with his decision.  Maybe one day you'll find someone you're not embarrassed to be seen with.  Corwin felt the slap on his face.

[Eqwina]

Eqwina was muttering to herself and pressing her pen tip so hard into the paper that it tore and began to leave impressions on her writing pad. Throwing down the pen in disgust she picked up the papers with a flow of air and then used fire to burn them to dust; letting the small embers fall where they would.

 

Repeating Corwin’s feat she began pacing the length of her room and back. Eqwina was intent on listing everything that was wrong with the man, and why she should burn him to a cinder where he stood. She ignored his pounding until the door began to shake in its frame and she could hear the wood beginning to splinter. Flinging the door open with Saidar she gave him her iciest glare. Her crystal calm voice was a sharp contract and made her appear ready to commit murder. “You don't want to break my door my Gaidin”

 

When he tried to walk away as he always did Eqwina wrapped him in flows of air tight enough that she could see his skin start to turn red from the lack of blood flow. “I told you that you'll not leave me again Gaidin” All the mental jabber in her head was aching to be put into motion. She had killed more than once, why not again. It would be easy enough to get away with..or she could claim an accident. Everyone with in three rooms had heard their fights. They would believe that Corwin had finally snapped.

 

“Oh now you want me to stay?  You want me to be here when no one is around, but when someone is here you are embarrassed to be seen with me, is that how it is?”

 

What was I doing? Thinking of killing my own Gaidin” What he said hit a note, skirting at the truth and yet falling so far from fact. She was not ashamed of their embrace, she was ashamed of her own fear. She was scared to be weak and vulnerable with a man, for fear that he to would walk away from her like Nevin had. Already she could feel her tears the day that Corwin walked out and never returned. She would not live through that again…not with him…or anyone. “Maybe one day you'll find someone you're not embarrassed to be seen with

With all the strength she had Eqwina pulled her hand back and slapped Corwin across the face, leaving a bright red hand print and her own hand pulsing in pain.

 

“I am not ashamed of you, never of you Corwin” she whispered.Too angry to even yell.

 

A single tear escaped her eye and Eqwina wiped it away and stared down at it as if it were a viper. NO! She would not do this.

[Corwin]

Corwin could feel the stinging on his cheek, not only that but he didn't even want to retaliate.  The flows were punishment enough, as much as he felt, she would be feeling it too, especially this close.  But he could stand it as long as she wanted to dish it out to him.  But her last words bothered him.  If she wasn't ashamed of him then what was wrong?  This woman made no sense.

 

You aren't ashamed?  I am bonded to you, I felt what went through your mind when you saw the scars, I felt you squirming around trying to get away when she came in.  A maid! No one is ashamed of what their servants see.  I feel your emotions, I felt the shame when I first took you in that room.

[Eqwina]

Her eyes narrowed even farther and her lips compressed into a thin line. He had no right to speak to her this way. No right to bring up painful topics and put her on the defensive. None at all!! When he finished speaking he stood watching her and it was plain that he was trying to get a read on her next move through the bond.

 

Eqwina knew there was only one way to make him believe and that was to tell the truth. The problem was she wasn’t sure if that was something she was willing to do. The truth would leave her open and vulnerable and if her time serving the Great Lord had taught her anything it was that you never leave your opponent an open place to strike. It was a good way to end up hurt or even dead.  Feeling her own way along the bond she sensed that if she did not say something soon he might walk away, and this time it could be for good. She didn’t want to lose him..not yet..not until she knew what she really want of him. Perhaps starting with the least painful topic…

 

“I was not ashamed at your scars. Fascinated would be a better word. Even in the life I have led I have never seen a man…marked…so completely. You only gave me a moment before you stormed away. Had you stayed you would have known I only want to run my fingers along the scars and wonder how they had come to be. I… I am sorry if you took my hesitation as more than just idle curiosity.”

 

“The maid..now that is harder to explain and may take more time than you are willing to give to listening to me.” Eqwina decided that if he stayed she would explain, as well as she could, but if he left…all the better for her. She did not like reliving her past, but it was the only way to explain her present.