News travels fast! (Attn: Kabria)

[Sieve]

Perivar had walked for hours through the city trying to clear his head.  His clothes rain-soaked though he had barely noticed it.  He had left everything that he cared for behind him at the inn.  His heart was shattered beyond repair.  He had walked the streets completely out of his mind snarling at people who came near him.  His mood had been black as the night sky. 

 

He did not remember how he got there but he woke to find himself curled up at the base of the tree where she would come to read her precious books.  At first the morning light seemed too bright for his eyes yet when they adjusted to it the world around him seemed dulled.

 

Perivar remembered the look on her face, the look that named him a madman.  The way she flinched when he looked at her.  Once she had loved him.  She was his sun, the world revolved around her and now she was gone.  He was a shell of his former self. 

 

Perivar rose, he was disheveled yet he made no move to fix his appearance.  As if by habit he walked to the mess hall.  He sat at a table by himself looking like death.  Those who thought to have a seat at his table took one look at him and moved on. 

 

His food sat there untouched.  Steam rose from the mug filled to the rim with tea.  Perivar stared into the distance at nothing.  Even without the void everything was distant.  He heard voices, laughing, something they said caught his attention.

 

An Aes Sedai had run up to the walls of the North Harbor.  Stood there on the wall and with all her might hurled a sword into the water below.  No he had to be mistaken, it couldn't be though he knew.  The description matched her perfectly.

 

Suddenly his face veiled in shades of red.  He rose from the bench approaching the guard who told the tale.  "It is a lie!" He shouted at the man rocking on the balls of his feet ready to attack.

 

"Easy man, it is the light's own truth.  Will told me so, he was there.  She was about to throw something into the water, a necklace, yes that's what it was.  Val grabbed her hand before she could throw it.  She called him down for it then kissed him for all she was worth."

 

The thump was distant, his head felt like it was stuffed with cotton.  His legs had given out beneath him.  He sat there on the floor of the mess hall like a sack of grain.  She couldn't, no it had to be a misunderstanding.  Light this was worse than a nightmare.  It was as if the Dark One had kicked him in the gut then stood over him laughing.  He felt as if he could not breathe.

 

"You alright" they said to him as they helped him up off the floor.  They offered to help him back to the Barracks yet he shrugged off their offers of help.  Mindlessly he walked out of the mess hall.  He leaned against the wall of the mess hall just outside the door.  He slid down it and sat at its base.  Placing his hands over his face he sat their sobbing like a child.

 

At least a half hour passed before he picked himself off the ground making his way to his room.  He rummaged through his belongings and found what he was looking for.  The twin swords that he had worn the day he arrived in Tar Valon.  Strapping them to his back he picked up a waterskin and made his way to the stables.

 

The stableboys who were usually so glad to see him eyed him curiously.  When they remarked about him not being in any condition to ride he shouted at them.  He was so numb that he did not see the hurt that was so plain on their faces. 

 

As soon as they brought him Nightdancer he half vaulted into his saddle.  Even Nightdancer seemed to eye him as if he was the Dark One.  Perivar guided Nightdancer out of the stable then spurred him for all he was worth spraying the area around them with dirt and debris.  He raced through the city as if he were being pursued receiving angry glares from those who had to jump out of his way.   

 

Nightdancer's hooves rang on the pavers as he rose to the occasion.  Through the gate he raced, across the bridge and through the village of Luagde.  He slowed Nightdancer at the edge of the village and turned around to face the Tower.  He stared at the White Tower rising majestically above the city then closed his eyes.  He sat there with his eyes closed praying to the creator that when he opened them again that he would be back in her arms realizing that this was all just a nightmare.

[Sieve]

How long he sat there with his eyes closed he could not tell.  When he opened his eyes the reality of it struck him like a Blacksmith's hammer.  The Tower stood over him like the Dark One laughing at his misery.  Tearing his eyes from the tower he looked down to see a woman in an apron staring at him.  "Are you alright Guardsman?  Are you ill?"  She spoke to him.  Light how long had the woman been there.  He stared at her a moment and she flinched.  Another one he thought as he winced, was everyone going to flinch from him.  She saw his wince and stepped back"No offense Guardsmen but you...you don't look well.  Should I send for an Aes Sedai, are you injured?"  More than you could imagine he thought.

 

"I..."  His throat was hoarse from the night before.  He had to work moisture into his mouth before he could speak.  "I need parchment and a pen, do you know where I can find some."

 

"Right this way, my shop is right here.  You can use what you need but you should rest.  I have a spare bed in the back room." Sliding from his saddle he followed her into the nearby shop.

 

He sat at her writing desk staring at the parchment that contained one word fiercely scribbled in bold print, Why? Perivar stared at the parchment trying to find the words.  This was not his strong point.  He was not gifted with words.  His eyes were veiled in red again as he recalled the horrific nightmare that he had returned to.

 

The pen began to move as if by itself.  He did not sign it, there was no doubt who it was from.  He sprinkled sand on the page to dry the ink then blew off the remnants.  He neatly folded the letter then asked for a candle while he addressed it to her, Kabria Delondre Aes Sedai.  When the woman handed him the candle he stared at it as if it were an adder.  "Green, how fitting" he murmured to himself then let out a sinister laugh.  The Dark One is going to torment me for the rest of my days.

 

He dropped the wax onto the letter sealing the flap.  He quickly drew one of his swords pressing the pommel to the wax.  When he looked at his family's crest in the green wax he shuddered.

 

The shopkeeper took it as a sign of the fever that he must have.  He looked like death "You should rest son." She said, the woman was old enough to be his mother after all and mother him is what she tried to do. "Let me get you some food, some soup at least and some warm blankets.  You are damp from head to toe.  Let me feel your forehead you probably have a fever.  I am going to get an Aes Sedai for you."  She turned to go though he gently placed his hand on her forearm stopping her in her tracks.

 

"No, no thank you I'll be fine." Her open disbelief was plain on her face.  Perivar handed the woman the letter and dug out a handful of silver and gold marks from his pouch.  "Please see that this makes it to the Tower.  She is an Aes Sedai of the Green Ajah."  She tried to refuse the coins but he pressed them into her hands.  "Where I am going they do not take coins, I have no use for them.  Please see that it gets into her hands, please."  He pleaded as he turned and walked away.

 

Perivar climbed into Nightdancer's saddle then stared again at the Tower as he did when he arrived over two years ago.  He sat there wondering what he had done, what was it that led him down this road to ruin and damnation.  He had done his duty yet it had cost him his heart.  Perivar spun Nightdancer in a circle before spurring him on North away from Tar Valon, away from his love.

[Sieve]

Marissa eyed the Guardsman as he left.  She watched as he stared at the Tower and wondered what he was seeing.  She said a prayer to the creator for him.  Whatever he was about he looked like death.  She thought of hauling him out of his saddle and dragging him to bed while forcing soup down his throat though the opportunity had passed.  The Guardsman spurred his warhorse into action heading North on the road from Luagde as if the Dark One was on his trail.  She took off her apron then yelled to Daryl to saddle Lily.  Within minutes she had mounted Lily and rode through town at a trot.

 

Marissa had been thinking on his words as she rode through town and across the bridge that spanned the Osendrelle Erinin.  The man was like a rock, a rock that was laying on the anvil waiting for the hammer to drop.  Where was he going that he would not need any coin she wondered.  He was heading North towards Shol Arbela.  Well by the looks of him he was Arafellin yet the young guardsman had looked as if he was resigned to some predetermined fate.  The pain was clear on his face as he furiously scratched at the paper with the pen though that was the only emotion he showed.  Several times she thought he had come close to crumpling it up or ripping it apart.

 

She urged Lily on wanting to gallop the rest of the way though she kept her to a trot.  She had lived long enough to recognize the urgency.  That fool boy was about to do something stupid and she did not want his empty soul on her conscience.

 

Marissa tossed the reins to a groom then climbed the stairs with a purpose.  A girl in an Accepted's dress met her inquiring as to her business with the Tower.  Marissa insisted that she had been ordered to deliver the letter in person.  The Accepted conceded leading her through the halls.  Marissa asked the girl to pick up the pace reminding her that the matter was urgent.

 

 

[Eqwina]

Kabria awoke, unsure if last night had been just a nightmare but as she felt her still damp dress it all came crashing home.

Like some hungry animal she had pulled the man along the streets, until she found what she’d desired; a place for her to commit her shame….

Tossing back the sheets she climbed stiffly from bed and stumbled to her wash stand. Pouring the water, not even taken time to heat it she submerged her face. Under the freezing surface she screamed until there was not breath left in her. What was done could never be taken back and as she’d known she regretted her decision greatly.

 

It was a zombie that dressed and readied herself for the day, choosing out a green silk so dark it was almost black and leaving her necklace where it lay and the bottom of her belt pouch. It seemed unfair to her that no one would know of her shame except the one man she’d never thought she would lose. Oh the Tower would be abuzz with stories of last night’s tale, but they would never know it was her. Only she would walk through the crowds and know that the laughter was meant to mock her shame. Shining in the lamp light were the gauntlets she’d bought..was it really only yesterday that she’d been a wide eyed woman in love?

 

Kabria was sitting out in the Green Ajah gardens watching two birds flit among the trees, in a merry game of chase. Her quite brooding was disturbed when a woman old enough to be her mother stepped cautiously into her view. She thought she heard the woman mutter, but in a daze she could not make out the words. “Are you lost Mistress? Perhaps I can help you find your way?” the last thing she wanted to do was escort this woman, but at least perhaps it would occupy her mind. Wordlessly the older woman held out a letter scrawled with her name. The writing was all too familiar and Kabria’s heart skipped a beat. Slowly, as if moving through a fog she took the letter from the woman and fished a few coins from her belt pouch. Cracking the green seal her eyes devoured the words.

 

It was only the presence of that motherly woman that allowed Kabria to keep from falling apart. Folding the note lovingly she tucked it into her dress, close to her heart. He’d accused her of being a monster and said words she may never forget, but that fact was she loved him and last night had only made her realize that more.  There would be a fight and harsh words, but perhaps with time she could mend what was broken.

“Ma’am the man who gave you this letter, where was he? Do you know where he was headed?”

 

“Only North Aes Sedai, and riding like the Dark One himself was at his heels”

 

North? Home, her Perivar was headed home. Picking up the hem of her skirts Kabria started back into the Tower with a close to a run as she could allow herself. She had to stop him.. Her blood was boiling and she could hear her heart pounding in her ears. This time he was going to give her a chance to explain. He was not going to get away without letting her have her say. Ordering the groom to saddle the fastest horse he had she paced the length of the stable, cursing every minute that past.

 

Kabria was no more than a passable rider, a trait she’d been meaning to remedy, but it seemed like there was no time like the present. Waving away the grooms offer of help Kabria mounted the horse and galloped out of the city gates. She would have to answer for her disappearance later, to Jaydena and the rest as well, but some things were too important to stop and ask permission for. Until the sun was just a sliver above the horizon she rode, galloping as fast as she dared. Twice she took the exhaustion from her horse, but all too soon she had to rest. That night she stopped in a small clearing, only resting long enough to make sure she did not run her horse dead. Light blast the man! Making her chase him like some fool in a story. When she caught him she was going to make him pay dearly!

 

[Sieve]

Perivar was bared to the waist with both swords in his hands.  The firelight shimmered off his sweat slickened body as he danced through the forms.  The twin hilts began to feel familiar in his hands again.  It had been over two years since he wielded them.  He had packed them away the first day he arrived in the yards to train and now he carried them again.  His other sword lay at the bottom of the North Harbor.  Cast there by her hands as she had thrown his love away like yesterday's trash. 

 

As he raced north he thought on his oath to her though her actions had removed him from it.  His sword, the symbol of protection that he pledged to her was at the bottom of the harbor.  Thrown from the spot where she kissed the guard.  "Why!?!?!?"  He shouted into the night and heard his voice echo deep into the darkness. 

 

Perivar danced like a madman teetering on the edge of a cliff.  The void was no longer any use to him and he didn't care.   "Why!?!?!?"  He shouted again.  He cared not if he drew any attention.  Thinking of the prospect he roared "Come try me, I have nothing to lose!  My heart and soul are gone!" shouting into the night.  "Come if you dare!"  He screamed then broke into laughter like a madman. 

 

Nightdancer stood there picking at the grass.  His poor warhorse who had been so faithful to him had nearly been run into the ground yet Perivar could not find any compassion for him.  He would have gone farther but his mount would not have lasted another hour.  He had not made as much progress North as he wished.  He would have risked pushing his mount further though he knew he would make little progress on foot after his horse was gone.  There was nothing left of him, only a single thread that held his final purpose.  He continued to dance the forms fearing what would happen if he stopped. 

 

Perivar had no idea that she had come after him.  No idea of the progress she had made.  Much better progress than he had.  He had been camped close to the road so she had been well within shouting distance when his words pierced the night.  He had no way of knowing that she had heard his initial shouts and come to investigate.

 

"Come take me Father of Lies, come if you dare!!!"  He shouted himself hoarse though still he kept on.  "The Light has forsaken me so come claim my soul if you dare, it is as empty as your heart!"  He roared the challenge at the night though there was no answer.  "No! Of course not, you are a coward! I will come for you then!"

 

Exhausted he fell to his knees.  The points of his swords slammed into the ground.  His hands on the hilts supporting his upper body as he panted.  His body shook, his muscles beyond the point of exhaustion "Why!?!?!?" He shook with anger until he laughed maniacally.  His body crumbled to the ground in a fetal position.  He felt like he was being pierced from every direction.  "Why!?!?!?" He cried into the night.  He cursed the creator, cursed the light.  Wrapped up in a ball on the ground he cried, sobbed like a child asking the same question over and over again until he could no longer form the words, "Why?"

 

Perivar was so spent, exhausted beyond belief gently rocking back and forth on the ground.  He was so gone that he had not seen or felt her standing there watching him.  Standing there on the edge of the firelight's circular glow...

 

His eyes opened, she was there.  He laughed, his hoarse voice calling out into the night.  "That is funny Father of Lies, that you would torment me with her vision. It's too late for that, there is nothing left.  Come my love," He waved her closer "put the point right here,"  He pointed to his bare chest. "finish it my love!  Kill the monster that you hate so."  His laughter echoed in the night  "What's next Father of Lies, the man she turned to?  The man who took what was mine or can you think of something worse to torment me with?"  He laughed again maniacally "ooh you are cruel, but never fear I am coming for you.  You'll get yours, I am coming for you!"  He forced his eyes closed convinced it was a nightmare.  It had to be...in the morning he would wake and ride for the blight, he would reach the steps of Shayol Ghul and blood would be shed.

[Eqwina]

Leaning against the trunk of a tree with her eyes closed, resting but not asleep, Kabria heard shouts in the night. In a blink of an eye she embraced Saidar and prepared several nasty weaves. Standing up and putting her back at the horse’s flanks her eyes searched the night for the source of the shouts. Again they sounded; it was only then that she realized that they were distant and coming no closer. Leaning her horse up the road she paused every few moments trying to find the source of the sound.

 

A passionate shout rang out and this time she heard the words clearly and knew the voice. It was fate, the Light be praised, it was Perivar. Hearing the viciousness of his words she held onto Saidar hoping that it would not resort to violence.

 

There she saw him, on his knees with his eyes squeezed tight and her heart leaped and her anger bloomed anew. He blamed her for this, but he would soon see that she was not the only one to blame. Tying the mare’s reigns to a low branch she approach slowly, cautiously, still very unsure.

 

"What's next Father of Lies, the man she turned to?  The man who took what was mine or can you think of something worse to torment me with?"  He laughed again maniacally "ooh you are cruel, but never fear I am coming for you.  You'll get yours, I am coming for you!"

 

Clearly he was crazed with anger and pain. He thought she was a figment of his imagination, not real, a shell of what he’d been. As he closed his eyes again Kabria wove a delving and searched for something, anything to explain his behavior. Finding nothing to heal she sighed. It was her that had caused this and her that would have to fix it. He could not know that she was holding Saidar, but grabbing tight to her courage she released the source and faced him completely unarmed. If they were ever going to fix this it had to begin with trust. Dropping to her knees in the dirt next to him she carefully laid her hands on his arm, holding her breath for the explosion to come. “Perivar?”

His eyes were still shut tight and he murmured something incoherent “Perivar, it is not some trick of the night. I..I am here. It’s Kabria” Speaking softly she tried to make him believe, but he seemed unwilling to open his eyes. Crawling until she rested in front of him with her hands on his knees she leaned in and kissed his lips, whispering softly. “Look at me! Not even you can deny that that kiss isn’t real” 

 

[Sieve]

Perivar heard his name.  Even in his madness he knew her voice "No...too cruel" he whispered softly.  It was the musical voice that he remembered but he couldn't look, he couldn't force his eyes open.  A dream this time he thought, or not, was it the nightmare again trying to lull him in.  He felt something touch his arms, he shivered. 

 

“Perivar, it is not some trick of the night. I..I am here. It’s Kabria”  He dared not open his eyes, he couldn't take the pain.  She kissed his lips, the tingle went through his body as she spoke softly “Look at me! Not even you can deny that that kiss isn’t real”

 

 

He opened his eyes to look at her and knew it was her"Why now?  Did you come to torment me, to rub salt in my wounds."  He felt the anger rage through him, he shivered tamping it down.  "It's too late Kabria.  There is nothing left of me.  I gave you all I had and you threw it away!  Why?  Why another man when you denied me the same.  Last night, you could have loved me instead you looked at me like I was a monster, like your worst nightmare.  I did my duty for the Tower.  I did my duty and returned to you Kabria and you turned your back on me!"

 

"Throw my sword away, step on my heart but why another man?  Was I not enough for you?  Did you?..."  He shook his head, he couldn't bring himself to ask.  "Is this what you did while I was away, seek the comfort of another man.  I promised myself to you and I was faithful?"

 

"Now you come, last night was when I needed you and you needed another man!  I am not perfect but I was faithful.  You could have come to me last night while there was something left to save.  Now is too late, you spurned my love, the oaths I gave you, all of it.  Is this how the White Tower rewards their faithful servants?"

 

 

[Eqwina]

Looking down at her hands she accepted his words, knowing that her mistake last night would be the wound that kept them apart. But she deserved her right to explain, even if it was their last words.

 

"Now you come, last night was when I needed you and you needed another man!  I am not perfect but I was faithful.  You could have come to me last night while there was something left to save.  Now is too late, you spurned my love, the oaths I gave you, all of it.  Is this how the White Tower rewards their faithful servants?"

 

Looking him in the eye she vowed not to resort to Saidar no matter how irrational he became. “We will speak of last night, but not until I’ve had may say. You acted like a fool and then walked away before I could even utter a word. So now you will listen while I speak.”

 

“If you only did your duty then why are you being punished by Kynwric? I have no issue with the man’s death. I would have dealt him the same. It was the savage way that you describe your fight. And it seems like to me that you were unable to hold it together, which makes you more weak than if you would have run from the man. You blame me for everything that is wrong with us and while I can claim a large part of the blame you must see that it does not all rest with me….and..if you do not see that, or cannot admit it then perhaps you are not the man I thought you were.”

 

With a flow of air she channeled over the gauntlets and rested them by his feet.  “These are yours now, burn them ,throw them away, do whatever you wish but I will not take back a gift I have given.” She held his eyes hoping that he knew those words were for more than material things. “You asked about last night…and the other man. First I must say, and by the three oaths you know it for true that the whole time you were away and up until that brief moment last night I was faithful to you and I prayed every night for the light to bring you back to me, safe and unharmed. I can see now that my prayers were not enough, for you came back, but are not the man I knew. I was angry and I was scared. Your words cut me deeper than any knife and I wanted to erase you from my mind. That’s why I threw away your sword and when the man stopped me from….from throwing away anything else I panicked. It was stand their crying or react and my passions came out in a way I never expected. I..I slept with him Perivar. Thinking that I was sharing with him the one thing I had always wanted to share with you, but at that moment I thought you were lost to me. I do not ask forgiveness and I do not try to justify what I did. I only tell you so that you may know what I was feeling.”Standing up she brushed off her dress and reached into her belt pouch pulling out the necklace he’d given. “I will return this to you and release you from your oaths. I only wanted my right to explain. Goodbye Perivar Tarigan”

[Sieve]

Perivar sat their polaxed, she was just going to walk away. Life filled him again "Wait!!!"  he shouted then got to his knees.  "You came all this way to tell me that you slept with another man and now you are going to just walk away.  Light Kabria, that is almost more cruel than the act itself.  When I walked away last night it was because I couldn't take you looking at me so.  How would you feel if I looked on you like that, like a thing of the Shadow?  I..I told you because I thought I could talk to you about anything.  I didn't want to hold back anything from you.  I was honest with you and you used it against me."   Light what was he to do.  What could he say?  He thought it was just a kiss and now this.  He needed it out of his thoughts for the moment.  He could not overreact, not now, not ever.

 

"Why am I being punished?  Because I took a risk that I shouldn't have, that is why.  I took a foolish risk because I let my emotions get in the way.  I should have sought the void like I was trained to do but I didn't.  That is my failure, I could have jeopardized our mission that night.  I cannot in good conscience stake your life on the chance that I may do something foolish again.  I know it in my heart that I would never fail you but I need more than that, I will not risk it.  That is why Master Kynwric is involved, for your sake and for mine.  Because I love you more than anything."   Thinking of her words, her accusations stung him mercilessly. 

 

"I held it together enough to do justice, there was no doubt in that only how I went about it.  I don't know how to explain it so that you will understand.  I thought of you, I thought of you being harmed and I snapped.  My love for you is so strong that I couldn't bare the thought.  I hated the man for it, maybe it was savage but I can't stand the thought of you being hurt.  I don't know how to explain it properly so you do not think that I am some madman.  Have you ever heard of the battle rage that most warriors feel?  It is like that, I felt that in some way I was protecting you and I used that battle rage to fuel me.  That is not the most efficient way to fight and that was where I went wrong.  I made a mistake by fighting with my emotions, I am human though.  Am I not allowed forgiveness?  I have already sworn to never let it happen again.  What more can I do?"

 

How could he get past the other thing.  Life was returning to him yet with it came a whole new world of hurt.  "I just expected our reunion to be much different.  I...dreamed it would be different.  It would be us." Light how... "I know deep inside that I still love you more than life though I feel as if my insides have just been ripped out.  I just can't comprehend it all.  I don't know what brought us to this.  I am the same man that left you yet my love for you only grew stronger while we were apart." 

 

Perivar walked a few steps away from her not sure what to do or say next.  He sat on the ground putting his head in his hands.  "Just the thought of you with another man.  I...I don't know."  He shook his head.  "I want to forgive you as I want you to forgive me but the thought of you with another man cuts me deep.  You sharing with him what should have been between us.  How?...I don't know how to change what I feel inside though I want to.  I want it to go away.  I want it to be like it was before I went away.  I want to be what you desire.  I want to be the man that you want me to be, believe me I do but I don't know how."

 

"I don't want you to return anything or release me from my oaths to you.  I want you to love me the way I love you.  I ask that you be patient with me while I try to be the man you want me to be.  Is that too much to ask?"

[Eqwina]

Throwing her head back Kabria screamed, she screamed until there was no breath left in her body. Only to take a breath and begin again; she wanted to scream until she was able to drown out every word he ever spoke. He was fool and he didn’t understand.

 

“You know nothing Perivar! NOTHING! For the final time I have no issue with you killing the man. You did your duty there it is the WAY you did it. Shall I spell it for you?  THE WAY YOU DID IT. WAY w-a-y! LIGHT man you are going to drive me mad! No I take that back I am already almost as insane as you.”

 

“So I made a mistake. Are you telling me that you have never done the same?” she arched her eyebrow and fixed him with a pointed stare. “The Guard last night meant nothing to me and if you are too fool to see that then to the pit of doom with you. I have had enough! I hurt you and for that I am sorry but I will not stand here and have it pointed out to me any longer. If you wish to be a man so much then be one! Grow up and understand that there are things in life that are out of our control and that some things happen in life just in the way they are supposed to and some thing’s…well some things  just are. Last night just was. It meant nothing and I felt nothing. You are the only man that I have ever considered spending my life with. You are the only man I can picture at my side as I explore my home, but if you cannot just move on…..well then I guess I will go about those things alone.”

 

Walking back over to her nameless horse she gently stroked his nose. “It is too late for me to leave now and the horse is tired. I will leave once morning comes.” With no food and no blankets with no provisions of any kind Kabria settled on the ground near her horse and closed her eyes leaning back against another tree.

 

[Sieve]

Perivar was beyond emotionally spent.  He wanted shout but his voice was hoarse.  "Light woman, you are mad!  So now you are going to throw it in my face.  The fact that I do not have a way with words.  I am not as skilled as you so you are going to needle me about it.  I tried to explain it as best as I can and from the way you are carrying on like a child you are far more insane than I.  It is like you are not hearing a thing that I am saying.  I am talking to you calmly yet you are shouting at me.  Perhaps if you took some of the venom from your voice I could understand what you want from me.  Since you know everything, tell me how you are supposed to feel when you kill someone?  Please enlighten me for obviously you know exactly how it should be."

 

"What does it matter anyway.  Do you see me fighting children or poor defenseless people.  Have you seen anything from me that indicates that I am unkind.  I don't understand why you are so frustrated with me.  Time and again I poor my heart out to you and you don't get it.  Perhaps there is something wrong with your hearing."

 

“The Guard last night meant nothing to me and if you are too fool to see that then to the pit of doom with you. I have had enough! I hurt you and for that I am sorry but I will not stand here and have it pointed out to me any longer. If you wish to be a man so much then be one! Grow up and understand that there are things in life that are out of our control and that some things happen in life just in the way they are supposed to and some thing’s…well some things  just are. Last night just was. It meant nothing and I felt nothing."  She was the one who couldn't get past it.

 

"So on our way back I will sleep with the first girl who shows an interest in me and tell me how you feel.  Trust me it will mean nothing, I will feel nothing but tell me how you feel when it is over.  You are insane."

 

"You are beyond mad.  Light I just finished telling you how I love you no matter what.  Did you hear that?  I am moving on.  I told you that I will try my best to put it behind us.  Did you hear that?  I am moving on.  It is because I love you so that I wam willing to do that.  Did you hear that or do I need to write it out for you?"

 

"I am trying to be a man about it because I love you more than I can put into words.  Because of that love it has cut me deep.  So because I am a  man I am not supposed to have feelings?  Am I not supposed to feel the pain deep in my heart?  Well it is there Kabria, I will not lie. The sad reality of it all it that it hurts more than you can imagine.  You are blaming me for something you did!  I am not the one who was unfaithful yet you are treating me as if I was.  IT WAS NOT MY FAULT! Yet somehow I am the one who is supposed to move on so easily.  I am trying but you are the one who can't get past it!  You are the one who keeps bringing it up!  I merely told you how I felt, I am at least entitled to that much.  So make up your mind, am I supposed to have feelings or not, which is it?  If you can't get past your guilt then don't blame me!"

 

Perivar picked up up his sword and ran it across his forearm.  "See Kabria, while I am a man, I do bleed.  I also feel pain just like any other man.  He stalked over to her showing her the scars on his torso.  I felt each and everyone of them."

 

"By the way you are not going anywhere alone.  My oath still stands whether you acknowledge it or not."  Perivar reached down picking up the waterskin and tossing it to her.  "Here catch!  I will go see what I can do about food."  Perivar walked to his saddlebags which always contained a few necessary supplies.  Taking the snares he walked off into the woods to set them.

 

Perivar returned with a pouch full of berries and nuts.  He handed them to Kabria, "Here it is not much but it is better than nothing."

[Eqwina]

He would never learn?!? Perhaps it was better this way. It was better to find out now that they were not right for each other, than many years down the road.

 

“I do not think you will ever understand Perivar. You are too far off the end….you grasp on the least part of what I say and ignore the rest.” Looking at him with tears in her eyes she smiled. “I love you more than you will ever know, but I do not think you and I can be.”

 

Tears flowed freely from her eyes, and Kabria sat gripping her own knees; this was her moment of pain. It was sad to realize that something you had dreamed of, and always wanted was slipping away. Sadly she meant what she said, if by some miracle of the light they did not find a way to resolve what they’d become she would continue her journey as an Aes Sedai alone. To come so close to love and to have it slip away was too much to bear. Gripping the dirty hem of her skirts she refused to see the food that was passed her way. “Your bitter hurtful words along with your pity meal do not a happy heart make, I can care for myself Perivar Tarigan. I cared for myself long before I met you and I will care for myself long after you are gone.”

“If you cannot not understand my words than you are really not the man I desire. I have said what I mean as plain as I can and always you throw back words in my face. Words I have not said and words I do not mean. Again and again you insult me. Telling me that I am the fool and that I am wrong. I admitted my wrongs and I have yet to hear any such admittance from you. All I hear is that I am deaf and that I am crazy. Perhaps it is you that is hard of hearing. You repeat yourself over and over again. Is it that you hope to hear another answer when you speak? Or just that you delight in my torture?”  Curling up on herself she hugged her knees and tried to picture a time when they were happy. In her mind she felt his arms around her, shielding her from the cold and from her pain. In her fantasy they were wrapped tight in each others arms…it was her reality that brought more pain.

 

[Sieve]

He felt like it was all slipping away.  His attempts to explain himself had only thrown more fuel on the fire.  He had already been past he point and he was desperately trying to cling to something.

 

Perivar dropped to his knees before her.  Tears streaming down his eyes as he took her hands gently in his.  "Please listen to me.  I am trying Kabria.  I am madly in love with you and I am desperately trying to show you.  I am desperately trying to be the man you want.  As I told you before I did not come to the Tower expecting to find love.  It was the last thing I expected yet I found it, in you.  Now that I had it I do not want to let it go.  You are my sun, without you all the colors are dull.  I need you, please tell me what to do to make things right in your eyes.  I admit I made mistakes.  I have forgiven you for yours and all I ask is the same.  Nothing that we have endured is beyond repair.  You said it yourself, we are Kindred Spirits, we belong together."

 

"If I hurt you with my words then I sincerely apologize.  I was feeling hurt myself and I apologize for what I said.  The last thing I want to do is hurt you, the very last thing.  I love you more than anything, I need you.  Why do you think I am here.  I thought you had left me, my whole world was gone, my whole reason for being alive.  If you don't believe me then tell me what I need to prove it to you.  Anything at all.  Lay a weave on me and you will see that my love is true.  Please Kabria, try it or tell me what I need to do to prove myself.  I swear it is true, I will do anything, anything at all.  Just name it."  Perivar leaned in and gently kissed her forehead.

 

"Perhaps this was a test for us to make sure we were worthy.  To know that we can cross whatever hurdle is thrown our way.  Right now my love for you is stronger than ever.  Please don't throw it away, I beg you.  If you cannot love me than at least let me be by your side.  I will serve you faithfully for the rest of my life.  Bond me now and you will know it is true.  You will see that my love for you is without question.  You will see that we were meant to be together.  Please believe me Kabria, I will always be true and faithful to you.  You are my world and my reason for living, without you I have nothing, nothing!"

 

Perivar took her hands and placed them on either side of his head.  He had believed that that was how it was done.  "Please Kabria do it, for us, for what we can be together.  Just do it."   He took her thumbs placing them just under his eyes.  "These tears are real Kabria, my love for you is real."  He held her hands to his head speaking softly to her"please"..."I swear by the light and my hope of salvation and rebirth that I love you and that I will always be faithful to you.  I swear by the light and my hope of salvation and rebirth that I will protect you until my final breath."

 

[Eqwina]

Though she stared into his eyes it was inward that Kabria looked. She wanted desperately to believe everything he said, and even more desperately to lay the bond on him. Her hands shook as they touched his face and her thumbs wiped away his tears. It was useless, but still Kabria opened herself to the Source and let the power of life flow through her. Try as she would, and she did try; until sweat beaded her forehead and tears fell from her eyes, but the weave would not form. The more she fought against Saidar, against herself the harder the power became to hold. Falling back against the ground with a wail Kabria let her hands drop to her sides.

 

“I can’t Perivar…..I cannot bond you” Looking up into his eyes she saw the final bursting of his heart and still there was nothing she could do to explain. The Oaths would not allow the words to come, even thinking of speaking them made her come near to coking. Tears welled up in her eyes and fell as fast as she could wipe them away. “I am sorry! I am so sorry. It cannot be, not now. There are forces at work greater than you know that keep us apart.”

 

“Damn these Oaths! Damn them! They keep me from saying the words that could make us right again, Or bonding you so that you may feel the depth of my love. It just isn’t fair and there is nothing I can do to change it and…..and I am not sure that I would even if I could. As much as I love you I cannot allow that to change the duty I swore to perform. Please say that you understand? Please?”

 

Her eyes pleaded with him to trust her on blind faith; because for now that was all she had to give. Kabria fought the urge to fall into his arms and to kiss away his hurts, but last night had shown her that animalistic passion could not drive away pain. She sat very still with her hands in her lap and watched the pain play across his face; feeling as helpless as a newborn babe.

 

[Sieve]

The uncomfortable silence stretched he wanted to break it but what more could he say.  If she was not convinced now she would never be.  The ache in his heart came back ten fold.  All over again he felt like he was on the brink of ruin.  He heard the wail that escaped her lips as she pulled back from him.  He half expected her to drive the dagger through his heart, he would not have made a move to stop it.

 

“I can’t Perivar…..I cannot bond you” Was what she said though he took it to mean that she would not bond him.  The thought lanced through his mind like a hundred tiny bolts of lightning.  He looked to the North thinking that was all that was left.  His life would amount to nothing.  All the training to become a Warder, her Warder and it would never be.  He would mindlessly venture into the Blight like many before him taking as many Shadowspawn with him before he died.

 

It was not until she spoke again that he truly looked at her.  He saw the tears, the pain, her hands desperately trying to wipe the tears as they streamed down her face.  As much as he tried he could not move.  He felt as though he was rooted to the ground as he listened to her words.

 

He was physically and emotionally drained.  Nothing seemed to want to work.  He tried to think of the right words but even simple thoughts were beyond him.  He looked deeply into her eyes seeing the hurt, seeing the longing for him to understand.  He tried to smile but he was not sure if it ever reached his face.

 

Something seemed to be wedged between them.  It was nothing tangible but by the way she sat with her hands in her lap it was almost as if she wanted the space between them.  He would give her the space if she needed.  He would give her anything within his power.

 

Cautiously as if feeling around in the dark, Perivar took her hands in his.  Light it felt so good just to touch her.  Locking eyes with her so she heard every word clearly he said.  "I cannot understand half of what holds us apart because I am not privy to the ways of Aes Sedai.  What I understand is that I love you more than..."  more than duty more than anything in the world he wanted to say though it was her who had said their love would come second to their duty.  He would take her any way that he could have her.  "more than you can imagine Kabria." 

 

"What I understand is that I swore to you that I would wait for you.  I swore to you that I would bond no other.  Moments ago I swore by the light and by my hope of salvation and rebirth that I love you and that I will always be faithful to you.  I swore by the light and by my hope of salvation and rebirth that I will protect you until my final breath.  That is what I understand.  I hold those oaths and promises dearly.  They were freely given and nothing under the light would make me take them away."  He would take her any way that he could have her he thought again.  With that he leaned forward gently kissing her forehead then cradled her in his arms as if she was as fragile as blown glass.

 

[Eqwina]

"I cannot understand half of what holds us apart because I am not privy to the ways of Aes Sedai.  What I understand is that I love you more than….more than you can imagine Kabria."

 

He was right, but someday she would tell him all the reasons they’d been kept apart. Letting herself be weak she fell into his arms and let him cradle her. She felt protected and safe and as if she’d come home. “I love you Perivar! I love you so much!” Wrapping her arms around him she squeezed him as tight as she could, holding him until her arms began to quiver from the effort. She luxuriated in the feeling of his lips on her skin and shivered at his hot breath on her neck. Tears of joy fell at the sound of his heart beat causing her to press her body tighter against him.

 

“I want you to know that I never..No, I did mean to hurt you Perivar, but only because I was feeling so hurt myself. I can see now that I was wrong. Relationships are new to me, you are the first I’ve ever had so I will make mistakes, but please know that I make them out of ignorance, not spite. This may sound foolish and perhaps it is not even something I should say, but if you can believe me….. last night…..it hurt me as much as it hurt you. I feel so…violated and…a-and cheap and angry! Angry with myself and angry with him for taking advantage of me when I was so obviously in pain.” She was bawling again, just thinking about her mistake. “ You may have forgiven me and  I suppose in time I will forgive myself, but I will never forget. Not ever, because it will always be the first night in my life where I lost my self respect.” She pressed her cheek against his and cried, his strong arms tightened around her holding her as if he never meant to let go. “Oh Perivar, I swear I will never hurt you again” Her tears began to dry and she found herself gently kissing his neck, planting tender kisses along his jaw and up to his lips. She kissed his face, the passion growing each time she returned to his lips. A passion like she’d never known surged through her, making it harder and harder for her to pull away.

 

“ I am sorry…so sorry” she murmured between kisses. Kabria must have said the words a thousand times, but she didn’t feel like they would ever be enough. She’d been an idiot and a fool and almost thrown away the best relationship she’d ever had because of stubborn pride. “I want to be with you for the rest of my life Perivar……I never want anyone but you…..” Her kisses became harder and more passionate and he began to return them with fervor. “I will swear any oath you require….make any promise that you need to hear, but please…please lets not ever fight like this again.”

 

[Sieve]

It was suddenly like before, before all the madness.  Her words were like music again.  All the pain and madness of the previous days washed away.  It didn't seem possible but somehow the kisses seemed sweeter, the tender touches more sensational.  The sky was clearer, the stars shining brighter.  He was in love. 

 

He was feeling such a high that perhaps she shouldn't have said it.  He had already forgiven her but he knew that she needed to get it off her chest.  There were times to talk and times to listen, this was definately time for the latter.  As she went on he bit his tongue, he found that he was more angry with the man than with her.  Angry that he had taken advantage of the one he loved more than anything.  Then sadness crept in as she mentioned the pain it had caused her, the loss of self respect.  Still nothing he could say would help, she needed to get it out, she could not hold it in.

 

She pressed her cheek against his and cried.  There were no words to make it better so he held just her tight letting her know he was there for her, wiping the tears from her face while whispering to her that it was alright, all would be well. 

 

The kisses that followed were more passionate.  His body tingled as she kissed his neck, his face, his lips.  The fire inside him was growing, first a trickle, then a torch, a campfire, growing and growing until it felt like a bonfire roared inside of him.  She told him over and over again how sorry she was in between kisses.  He ran his fingers through her hair telling her it was alright and telling her how sorry he was between the pasionate kisses.

 

“I want to be with you for the rest of my life Perivar……I never want anyone but you…..”  Her kisses became harder and more passionate and he began to return them with fervor.  Her words emboldened him, he felt more alive than ever before.  She was his, for good this time.

 

“I will swear any oath you require….make any promise that you need to hear, but please…please lets not ever fight like this again.” He placed a finger to her lips as he smiled confidently.  "There is no need for oaths or promises my love.  I feel it in here" he touched his chest "and I am sorry too Kabria, I love you with all my heart."

 

When the kissing and making up was over he grabbed the blanket which had been rolled up behind his saddle and returned to her.  The fire was roaring, the stars danced in the sky and he fell asleep with his arms wrapped around her.  All would be well...