Laughter is the best medicane

[safireblueyedwolfpup]

Long story short-a good laugh can heal almost everything.  All things below are funny quotes that have actually been found in the world (in use)

 

enjoy!

 

 

Accident Insurance Claims

 

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

 

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

 

“  I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."

 

"No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."

 

"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."

 

"I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."

 

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."

 

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."

 

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

 

"When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

 

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

 

"In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

 

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

 

As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."

 

"The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."

 

“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Excuse Notes from School

 

“Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot."

 

  "Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust."

 

"Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault."

 

"Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral."

 

"My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines."

 

"Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well."

 

"Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps."

 

"Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a hangover."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lawyer and Court Room quotes

· Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"

· Witness: "I only have one, you know."

· Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"  The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

· Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"

· Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."

· Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"

· Witness: "Er...his face."

· Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"

· Witness: "Yes."

· Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"

· Witness: "I forget."

· Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

· Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"

· Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."

· Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"

· Witness: "Forty-five years."

· Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"

· Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"

· Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"

· Witness: "My name is Susan."

· Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

· Witness: "No."

· Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

· Witness: "No."

· Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

· Witness: "No."

· Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

· Witness: "No."

· Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

· Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

· Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

· Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

· More Funny Court Room Quotes

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· Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"

· Witness: "By death."

· Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

· Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"

· Officer: "Yes, I do."

· Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"

· Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

· Lawyer: "What happened then?"

· Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"

· Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"

· Witness: "No."

· Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"

· Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?""

Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"

Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

 

· Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."

· Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?" Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."

· Witness: "That's me."

· Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

 

Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

 

· More Funny Court Room Quotes

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· Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"

· Witness: "Four times."

Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe

Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

· Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"

· Witness: "Yes."

· Lawyer: "How many were boys?"

· Witness: "None."

· Lawyer: "Were there girls?"

· Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"

· Witness: "Not yet."

· Lawyer: "Are you married?"

· Witness: "No, I'm divorced."

· Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"

· Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

· Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"

· Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."

· Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"

· Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

 

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· Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"

· Witness: "She is my daughter."

· Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"

· Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"

· Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."

· Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"

The Last of the Courtroom Quotes

· Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"

· Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."

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· Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"

· Witness: "The victim lived."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Thunderbomb]

The courtroom jokes were defintly the best  ;D good stuff

[SqueeEGA]

ten bucks says the lawyer in question was a DA.

[Alys Kinch]

what would suggest that? O.O

 

the d.a. is never the best lawyer. no money in it... but does he have to be the worst?