Failure

[Arae Selidan]

Megain was lying on her small, hard bed, staring up at the ceiling.

 

So much work… so many chores… and strangest of all, she had completely accepted it. I never thought I’d ever get used to doing so much work.

 

But now, only a handful of years after Megain had first come to the Tower, she was washing the dishes and scrubbing the floors without even the merest hint of a thought of complaining about it. Her, the daughter of Lord Kestharin, the leader of House Kestharin, completely reconciled to acting the servant girl –

 

There was a knock at her door. Megain pushed herself up off her bed and crossed over to it. She opened it up, a smile ready for whoever it was. That smile faltered when she saw the Mistress of Novices, arms folded, wearing her shawl.

 

Shawl. Oh, Light. It’s my Testing for Acceptance.

 

“Come with me, child,” Darienna said, not unkindly, and briskly turned to walk away.

 

Megain followed, the shock reverberating through her mind. Light. The test. The test. Her mind couldn’t register anything else. She was filled with a numb, paralysing horror.

 

The walk down to the room in which the Arches were kept seemed to take an age, and yet was over far too quickly. Before long, they were walking into the large room with the three silvery arches, with the Aes Sedai who were working them

 

"Megain, listen carefully," Darienna Sedai said. "What I tell you now, no woman hears until she is in this room. Firstly, there is this. Once you begin, you must go on. Refuse, and no matter your strength and ability, you will be put out of the Tower with just enough silver to support you a year and you will never be allowed back. The second. To seek, to strive, is to know danger. You will know danger here. Some women have entered and never come out. When the ter'angreal went quiet, they – were – not – there. And they were never seen again. If you will survive, you must be steadfast. Faltering leads to a failure."

 

In the silence, there was only the quiet breathing of the Aes Sedai around the arches, and of Darienna. Megain couldn’t take in a breath, couldn’t expand her lungs at all; she stared at the flickering light within the arches and a horrified, paralysing fear gripped her spine.

 

"This is your last chance.”

 

The words sent a chill down Megain’s back, as if someone had breathed on her neck.

 

“Refuse now, and it counts only as the first. You may still try twice more. If you accept now, there is no turning back. It's no shame to refuse: many sisters could not do it their first time. Now you may speak."

 

Megain stood frozen, unable to move a hair. Darienna Sedai watched her, her calm Aes Sedai face displaying a hint of sympathy for the terrified girl.

 

"Choose, Megain."

 

The silence stretched on. Finally –

 

“I can’t do it.” The words came out as a whisper.

 

The Mistress of Novices nodded, giving her a sympathetic smile. “Very well. You will try again, later in the next few months. For now, go back to your room, and rest.”

 

Megain nodded, weariness folding down on her shoulders like a heavy, almost leaden blanket. She turned and went back down the corridor, misery enfolding her, making every step a torture.

 

I failed, was all she could think to herself. I failed.