That Which Wasn't, and Won't Ever Be

[Raeyn]

Milandra had, prior to coming to the Tower, considered herself a patient person. She could wait the extra week the seamstress needed to make her dress, she could just manage to not berate her few suitors for being (in her mind late), and never harangued her maids for being slow with her things. But once her former room mate, Kate, had been called to the Arches, well... she found herself growing even less patient than that!

 

"I was always better in my studies than her," Milla reflected, putting her quill down beside her notes momentarily. She stretched; the long hours of researching points in the Library were getting to her. In some ways, the long years were getting to her. Even if she had made a fundamental acceptance of the fact that her time in the Tower as a student was going to be longer than she expected, this was usually well balanced against all that she was learning in the Power, in self-control, in that which had shaped the world. Still, in moments like this...

 

As if almost by magic, a presence - "Come child, you are to be tested." She stood jerkily, feeling all of a sudden that it was too soon, that she wasn't ready to face... whatever it was... nevermind that she was lamenting being left behind only moments before! And so, abandoning her papers, she proceeded to follow the Mistress of Novices in, out, and down. Down and down they went, lower than Milla had ever been before; she shivered slightly. And then suddenly, a set of doors bigger than the rest, a set fit in size for a palace. It was through these massive doors that, on silent glide, the pair entered.

 

Inside this cavernous room, a curious structure stood. It was a series of gleaming silver arches connected to a ring at their bottom; at the base of each ring sat an Aes Sedai. All were wearing their shawls, though she suspected it was scant comfort whilst being sat upon bare, cold floor. Another stood by a table which stood supporting three silver chalices; she remember this being mentioned on their way down from the Library. Still, she knew she was stalling at looking at the flicking light that stood in those rounded arches...

 

Her attention was blessedly diverted as the Mistress of Novices began to speak, "Now that you are here, I will tell you the two things that no woman hears until she stands where you are. Firstly, once you begin the test, you must continue to the end. If you refuse to go on, no matter your potential, you will be put out of the Tower with enough silver to support you for a year; you will never be allowed back. Second, to seek, to strive, is to know danger. You will know danger here. Some women have entered, and never come out. When the ter'angreal was allowed to grow quiet, they – were – not – there. And they were never seen again. If you will survive, you must be steadfast. Faltering leads to a failure."

 

"This is your last chance, child. You may turn back now, and you will have only mark against you. Twice more will you be allowed to come here, and only at the third refusal will you be put out of the Tower. It is no shame to refuse. Many cannot do it their first time here. Now, you may speak."

 

Milandra gulped; she could be freed here, free to go home and marry whomever her parents had in mind for her. But then, she'd never know what she was missing out on. She knew that leaving now would be the worst possible choice to make; why did she spend so many years here to throw it away now? "I accept; I will not refuse," she said shakily, and upon instruction, began to strip down for the test.

 

Her skin pebbled quickly in the frigid air as she allowed the Mistress of Novices to guide her forward. The Sister at the table began, "Whom do you bring with you, Sister?" The Mistress of Novices replied, "One who comes as a candidate for Acceptance, Sister."

 

"Is she ready?"

 

"She is ready to leave behind what was, and, passing through her fears, gain Acceptance."

 

"Does she know her fears?"

 

"She has never faced them, but now is willing."

 

"Then let her face what she fears."

 

Nudging her forward by the elbow, the Mistress of Novices herded her the remaining distance to the first arch. "The first time is for what was. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast."

 

'Be steadfast'

 

"Did.. did you say something, Mother?" Milandra queried, rubbing her head. She had thought that she had heard something, but...

 

"I know it's difficult to hear, little Milla, but I need you to pay attention. We're broke, we're out of money. Your father made the mistake of backing the wrong shipping firms, and... all we have left is the house, and we can't even afford that!" She broke down sobbing, looking the most pained and bewildered that Milandra had ever seen. Awkwardly, she put an arm around her mother's shoulders, and was drawn into a tight embrace for her efforts. After her mother's sobs subsided, the girl stepped back and asked quietly, "What.. is.. is there anything I can do, Mother?" Red-rimmed eyes began to water again, and a horrid realization hit home. Light, she felt like crying if it were true...

 

"Is.. did.. did he, he ask..." She couldn't even finish the sentence, the prospect was too horrible.

 

A curt nod was all the answer her mother managed before subsiding into tears again. Milla bit her lip to avoid joining in the sobbing; she had always dreamed of marrying a handsome lordling, but not this one. Jaim Tobai was comely to look upon even at his advanced age of 28, but he was reputed to have a dark temper. His first two wives had died under questionable circumstances, but there was no proof he was behind their deaths either. He had been coming around often to attempt to gets his parents to take him on as an accountancy client, and it had only been the last time that she had realized he was taking a special interest in her...

 

Milandra shuddered, and took a step backwards. She caught her shoulder on the doorframe, and quickly caught it as she spun around before she could fall to the floor. As her mother's tortured sobs began to rise louder behind her, she spotted, standing in the middle of the next room, a silver arch. 'The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.' a disembodied voice chided her, reminding her of the deadly importance of... something. But what could be more important than her parents; never had she seen her mother more needy, more vulnerable. How could she leave her to that?! Still, she made herself move forward towards the arch, forward and onward...

 

She stepped out of the same arch she had entered, and was greeted with a cascade of freezing water. "You are washed clean of what sin you may have done and of those done against you. You are washed clean of what crime you may have committed, and of those committed against you. You come to us washed clean and pure, in heart and soul."

 

Trying to catch her breath, she stood there, fists balled. She was at a loss for words - had she just abandoned her mother? She thought of asking, but knew, just knew, that if she opened her mouth, she would start crying and not stop. Milandra felt more on edge than she ever had in her life, and she didn't care that it showed.

 

Wisely, the Mistress of Novices opted to not comment. The Aes Sedai laid a hand on Milandra's shoulder, and began guiding her towards the next arch. "The second arch is for what is. They way will come but once. Be steadfast."

 

Taking a deep breath, she stepped through again...

 

'They way will come but once.'

 

Setting aside the dress she was working on, Milla cracked her knuckles and stood. Her hands often ached since she had taken up this line of work, which was only fitting for an embroideress. She had broken under the pressure of training, and had made mistakes that had ended up with her being put out for life. She knew, knew, that Accepted and Novices were not to take up with Tower Guards, but she had been so distressed that seeking comfort was the only thing that had mattered to her. The unexpected pregnancy had ended her training.

 

Milandra had told herself that things would work out okay - Dailin loved her very much, and even if he wasn't weathy, her parents would support her always. Dailin bolted when he found out about the impending child, and her parents disowned her; they thought it was a terrible scandal and reflected poorly upon themselves. It was only her old seamstress taking pity on her that enabled her to eke out a meagre living; she had an undeniable talent at embroidery, and a desperation to please, to survive.

 

She sighed, and settled back down to her work again. Nothing matter anymore, nothing but taking care of her daughter, Alera. Nobody wanted her or the girl, and where she had failed in everything else, she would not fail her only child, the last of her family. But before she could lean over and pick it back up...

 

"Momma!" her daughter cried as she ran into the room. Flinging herself at Milla's legs, the small child wrapped grubby and scratched-up arms tightly around her.

 

She helped her child back to her feet, and stood up herself. No explanation was needed; there were bullies around who delighted in harassing and attacking her child to get at her, to mock her fall. Milla didn't know what she was going to do, but she was determined to do something. She knelt, lifting Alera's head up gently by the chin, "Can you show me where it happened this time?" A snot-laced nod was the reply. Frowning grimly, she stood up, and headed towards the site of the incident.

 

As she spotted the bullies hanging out down an alley, she spotted a curious sight between them and herself - a silver arch stood unsupported in the street, unconcerned about its locale. Alera yelped that they were coming, and tried to cling to her leg. Milandra gently disengaged her, staring at the arch. 'The way will come but once,' she heard from nowhere, reminding her of... something. Something she wanted more than anything, more than her only family. She started towards the arch in almost a trance, her daughter's cries of distress slowing her steps. "This... this isn't real," Milandra told herself as she felt the tears start streaming down her face. As her daughter was slammed ruthlessly to the ground by her tormenters, Milla whispered, "Forgive me," and stepped through...

 

The cold water that was dumped over her person did nothing to wash away the feeling of filth upon her. Abandoning her daughter, her daughter, the daughter she would never have should she stay this course... "You are washed clean of false pride. You are washed clean of false ambition. You come to us washed clean, in heart and soul." She shuddered; it was the only response she could muster.

 

As the Sister turned to place the now-emptied chalice back upon the table, the Mistress of Novices took her elbow once more, guiding her towards the last Arch. "Horrible, isn't it? And it only gets worse. But that's the point - you have to want to be Aes Sedai so badly that it draws you back to safety." The older woman smiled sadly; her face showed the merest flash of empathy, of shared suffering. It was... something, something enough to know that she could do it... but... but...

 

"The final arch is for what will be. The way will come but once. Be steadfast."

 

She took a deep breath to still her violent shaking, and stepped through...

 

'The way will come but once. Be steadfast.'

 

Be steadfast

 

...old

 

...frail

 

...crawling towards the light...

 

The Light...

 

On hands and knees, Milla stumbled out onto the hard, frigid floor. Blinking, the Amyrlin waited a moment for her to right herself, before uprighting the remaining chalice over her head, "You are washed clean of Milandra Basene of Tar Valon. You are washed clean of all ties that bind you to the world. You come to us washed clean in heart and soul. You are Milandra Basene, Accepted of the White Tower. You are sealed to us, now."

 

She finally noticed the other Sisters, one from each Ajah, as the Amyrlin Seat placed the gold ring upon her finger, "Welcome Daughter," she said with some warmth, planting a kiss upon her cheek. Milandra smiled tremulously, and then allowed herself to be herded to where she could dry and dress. She very very carefully focused on these things; she knew that thinking about what she just went through would be... it would be too much for the moment. Better to reflect on these things when there weren't a dozen other people watching... at least she could do something to prevent a future so bleak, so meaningless, so incomplete...