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Blog Entries posted by Luciena

  1. Luciena
    How do you pick up the pieces of a broken heart? You try to comprehend what went wrong. You think continuously. Where did I go wrong? Where did he go wrong? Was I that insignificant? Just a simple click and it is all over.
    I wish life were that way sometimes. I wish everything could be as easily fixed with just one click. It is not though. It hurts like hell. Like a bleeding wound that will not heal. It drains me. It eats me up inside. The memories do not help. They remind me of the happy times. Of the jokes, the love messages, the voices. Oh! That voice that filled me with so much joy should bring me so much sorrow.
    I have lost myself. Maybe in him, maybe in who, he made me be. I have so much pain that I wonder if I scream…will I ever be able to stop. I want to disappear and hide under a rock, or just curl up and whimper every single moment of every single day.
    Instead, I pretend. I pretend I do not care. I pretend I do not hurt. I pretend it does not matter. I smile, but my heart is breaking inside. I joke, but I have lost laughter. I try to make others smile, because I have nothing to smile for myself.
    My heart bleeds. But does anyone care I wonder? Am I alone in this? They say time is a healer, how can it heal a wound that is so deep? I must be strong. I must resist. I must survive. All I think is why me?
    Love me! Want me! Choose me… No one else but me, as you said you would. As the person you showed yourself to me said, he would. No,…it was all a lie. I see you with others… it eats me up inside. I want to pick you up and shake you. I want to scream at you so I can get this all out. Silence is better. I must not break the peace…
  2. Luciena
    We were discussing pets on chat Wednesday evening with Shara, Leelou and Nolder. We all came up with the easiest pets to handle. I thought fish were the easiest as I had already had one. His name was Roland.... Yes Roland, judge me if you will. I was young impressionable and I liked the sound of the name.
    Roland was given to me as a birthday present by my brother's ex girlfriend. He was a beautiful fish, black and gleaming, but always swimming in his tank without a care the world. I was envious of the little bugger. Yes I know. Envious of a fish! I hear you snickering in the background. However think about it. He was taken care of, his tank cleaned regularly, his food miraculously appearing from the sky... my hand sprinkling it over the tank.
    To Roland I was his goddess. I looked after him. I cared for him. I loved him. He loved me back, at least I hope he did as much as fish can feel love anyway. This was when I was 14 years old.
    I moved when I turned 15, and Roland unfortunately did not move with me. It was impractical, plus planes do not allow pets on board without much paperwork and fees, and more fees, and quarantine.... (Not sure what the policy was on fish but I assumed it was the same)
    So I left Roland, my sister would take care of him, send me updates....until one day the updates stopped. Weeks went by, still no mention of my glistening black fish named Roland. I finally ask my sister when I speak to her, how's my Roland?
    The silence on her side made me nervous, she hesitantly said... "Roland is dead." I was calm. I ask quietly... "How?
    "You see I was doing some rearranging of the furniture and moved the tank close to the tv." She replied. Now my brother was a tech geek, so we had a monstrosity with wires and speakers everywhere....
    "He blew up." She said to me.
    So my brother and my sister inadvertently killed my baby fishy Roland. He was killed by the vibrations from the speakers and the closeness to the tv. You could say he was a victim of technology poor little mite.
    Fare thee well my dear Roland.
    I was never the same. I am 27 years old now and still think of you. No more adoration for your goddess....
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