Dreams to remember

[silhouette]

“You’re a Blademaster now.” Alden said. She nodded, her mind on the promise she had made. When Tarmon Gaidon came, she would be there, standing at the brunt of it with Lyanna al’Ellisande. Perhaps now was as good a time as any to make that promise a little more official though. “That I am.”

 

Rosheen turned in her sleep, trying to push away the dream. It always started like this, with her dreaming of where she had been, that day. It started with the realisation that she would be too far away, when the time came. Because the time always came. It always happened. Night after night, dream after dream.

 

By the time the first screams reached them they were both running, Alden matching Rosheen’s stride for stride, as if he didn’t feel his age in his bones. Perhaps he didn’t. Wrapped tightly in the spring, Rosheen was aware of her mentor the way she was aware of everything. Servants of the White Tower, running away from it. Novices, running away from it. A few Tower Guards and Warders rushing towards it. A chill clasped around Rosheen’s heart, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t push it back into the spring.

 

She turned again, her heart pounding in her chest the way it had that day. “Lyanna…” she uttered in her sleep. “No.” denial in her voice, but it was inevitable. She had never woken up before she relived the entire event again. The death of her promised. Something in the back of her head told her she had to stop punishing herself, but it was too weak to overcome the sense of guilt.

 

Sylandia had found a way down. Syl was where she was meant to be, fighting for her bondmate. Then why couldn’t she find a way? “It’s no use.” Alden’s voice was filled with sadness, as if he knew… No…

 

Rosheen saw the face of the younger woman before her mind’s eye again, even as she dreamt. The shy smile, the passionate devotion to Lanfir Leah Marithsen. At least Sylandia had done what she was meant to do. At least she had died trying to find a way to protect her Aes Sedai. All in vain, but at least Syl was home, while Rosheen lingered, unable to shake the guilt. Her eyes fluttered open, but even now she could see the flash of light, smell the scent of burning flesh, hear the desperate cry from Lanfir. “Lyanna!” she cried out, sitting up in her bed. Minutes passed before she realised where she was.

 

~Rosheen Tahn Sakr

[Wayfarer]

Starting out of his bed as he felt a sudden movement, he whirled about only to find Rosheen sitting up so rigidly that she could have been mistaken for a statue. Biting back the initial comment that came to mind because he wasn't eager for an argument at the unholy hour it was, Vasya took a hold of her shoulder as he told her to go back to sleep. It wasn't the first time she'd had a nightmare, they didn't occur often but he tended to be woken up every single time she had one.

 

She didn't move.

 

Frowning, Vasya shook her and said her name, then he did so again, nothing. She was still breathing though, maybe some light would help. Slipping out of bed, he wandered over to the fireplace with a flint. In the darkness it took a bit, but soon he had a fire going which illumined the room slowly. Being Captain had its perks and his room was one of them. Most prized of his possessions in the room was his bed, in which Rosheen was still sitting upright and unmoving. This wasn't her usual nightmare, not with her left in that state.

 

Walking over to the bed without any notice from Rosheen, Vasya slipped back into bed. Piling up the pillows so he could back onto them, he pulled Rosheen over to him and was able to get a better look at her face. What he saw didn't reassure him in anyway, and slipping his right arm around her, his left caressed her arm as he murmured her name repeatedly. The shock would were off eventually and then they'd be able to talk, her nightmares were getting worse clearly. Maybe what she needed was just a good talk, and to be set in the right direction. If he could get her to talk that was, Rosheen was remarkably stubborn when it came to some things.

 

 

Vasya Paranov

Captain

[silhouette]

For a few long moments, all Rosheen saw was the shape of Lyanna under a white sheet. What was left of Lyanna, at least. It wasn’t much, and while Rosheen hadn’t looked under the sheet that day, now she could see Lyanna’s face. Her green eyes open and staring through Rosheen. She shivered at the sight and closed her eyes, urging the image to go away. She just had to keep breathing. Someone was talking to her, and for a moment it seemed like it was Lyanna’s voice. Then it changed, and the hall blurred, and soon enough she found herself sitting on Vaysa’s bed, with his arms around her and his voice calling her back out of her dreams.

 

When she opened her eyes, she saw his face, and not the face of her would-be bondmate. She let go of the breath she’d been holding, slumping against him now that the tension that had held her upright left her. She was silent for a while, letting him draw her out of the nightmarish world she’d been in. “Hi.” She muttered, closing her eyes again. Her heart was still pounding in her chest, and even now she could still hear the sound of the floor of the white Tower collapsing, and see the bright light that ended Lyanna’s life.

 

“I was dreaming.” She said after a few more minutes of silence. Though she couldn’t see Vasya’s face, she was fairly sure he was giving her that very special ‘I already know, woman’- look that all men seemed to have down so well. “I keep seeing her face. Why am I still seeing her face?” her voice was even smaller than it had been, and she was shivering, still a little lost in the memories of that day.

 

~Rosheen Tahn Sakhr

[Wayfarer]

Finally getting a response from her, Vasya just waited as she closed her eyes. He wasn't sure what to say, asking how she was feeling would have just been plain stupid. It was quite clear how Rosheen was feeling, scared and hurt, he could have sworn he could hear her heart beating furiously as it was. Very unlike her. But, he just gave her time until she was ready to speak. Her first comment was an obvious one, but he said nothing as she continued. Not until she had spoken of seeing a woman's face, he was guessing Lyanna. It wouldn't be the first time she had dreamed of the woman after what had happened. "Because she was taken from you, its no wonder you still see her. It will pass, not easily but it will."

 

It was a small comfort, and one she had heard people speak of over and over again. How long since it had happened? Weeks, and everyone agreed that there was absolutely nothing she could have done to stop it, aside from doing what Syl had done. Throwing her life away, some had said. At least Syl had been where she was meant to be at that time. “I don’t think it ever will.” she said, commenting on Vasya’s last suggestion. “I still see everything and hear everything just as clearly as I did that day.” And smell it. There were days when she couldn’t get the scent of burning flesh out of her mind. “Maybe it’s just this place.” Everything here reminded her of her failure.

 

Rosheen wasn't the first person that Vasya had seen this happen to, but he certainly hadn't expected it. Then again, he had never really appreciated how devoted Rosheen was to the old Keeper until she was gone, there were times where Rosheen would just drift off into thought and these nightmares kept haunting her. "That happens to people, Light Rosheen its happened to me in the past as well. Its not just this place, though maybe its not helping you deal with it. You don't talk much about it, but I've been through this before. Why don't you tell me about it? More than just the hints you've given."

 

Rosheen glanced sideways at Vasya, wondering for a moment where he had been when Caladesh entered the White Tower and took down it’s Amyrlin and Keeper. Porbably inspecting a wall or something. Captains were busy, and he’d probably been ready with his company to charge into the main hall at the same time as Rosheen was ready to leap down that gaping hole in the floor. “There’s nothing to tell. Lyanna died, and I wasn’t there in time.” In time to do what she had been trained for all her life. “I was sparring with Alden in the grove. By the time we got back, he was already there. Caladesh, I mean. The floor caved in moments before we arrived.” Syl found her way down there though. Why hadn’t she been able to do the same?

 

Still caressing Rosheen's arm as he listened, Vasya knew from that moment that she said there was nothing to tell that there was plenty to tell. He knew he may as well give up on sleep at that point, but then he could make up for it tomorrow night. Now he was dealing with Rosheen and her problem. "There's plenty to tell. If it was just a simple matter of fact thing, they wouldn't be doing this to you. I want you to go on, but tell me what you felt as well." If it was anything like the moments he had, and he suspected they could be worse, Rosheen was going to find it difficult but she was going to have to.

 

“I failed her, Vasya, and that is all there is to it. All these years of training, and all the time we spent together… we would've be bonded soon, now that I’d reached the rank of blademaster. She said she didn’t want to limit me before that time, and I was grateful. I’d already made my promise to her, and she let me go out and see more of the world anyway. But I was finally ready, and we were going to bond soon. If I’d been bonded to her already, I would have known what was happening on time, but I didn’t, and I wasn’t there, and she died. I don’t know if I could have changed anything, but I could have tried, if I’d been there.”

 

There it was. Rosheen blamed herself, nevermind that it was abundantly obvious that there had been little that anyone could have done. The madman had torn apart the entrance hall and he'd killed a number of people before being subdued. One more Tower Guard, blademaster or otherwise, wouldn't have made a difference there and instead would have been lost. "You might have died as well and achieved nothing. You're hanging onto what could have been, but Lyanna didn't bond you and you were where you were because what happened was the last thing anyone could have expected. And I don't think that Lyanna would agree with you if she were still alive either. You did what you could, and that was all anyone could have hoped of you, or anyone else."

 

 

Vasya Paranov

Worried

 

Rosheen Tahn Sakhr

In Distress

[silhouette]

“That’s what I’ve been telling myself these past few days, but I’m still having nightmares, and I just can’t rid myself of the feeling that I should have done something.” She shrugged then, and slid further under the covers again. Vasya was a comforting presence, and soon enough she found herself drifting back to sleep. A dreamless sleep this time, even though she could still feel the thoughts of that day linger in the back of her mind. Dreamless as the sleep might be, it wasn’t particularly restful.

 

She got up early as always, and went for her morning run. There were only a few others around, and as always, the early runners left each other at peace. By the time the yards got more crowded, Rosheen was already back in her own room, getting packed. With stuffed saddlebags she went over to the stables, telling one of the boys there to get Nikos ready for a long journey.

 

All that remained now was to get the orders from Sirayn Sedai. The offer had been given to Rosheen a few days ago, and she had thought of refusing it, thinking that she needed more time to heal. She had come to realise that healing wouldn’t be hers here in Tar Valon though. Perhaps Kandor would give her some much needed rest from her dreams and memories. Brand would let her go easy enough, if she had orders from Sirayn. As to her friends and family… they would understand. She hoped they would. She had left notes with the stable boys, to be delivered after she had left.

 

~Rosheen Than Sakhr