Backbone, or just Wishful Thinking?

[Wayfarer]

Lillian didn't like standing about in any of the halls of the White Tower. It left one rather exposed and if one was standing about then one could easily be picked up by an Aes Sedai for some chore or other. Nor did she particularly appreciate the reason she was simply standing there. Narita Kone had bailed her up, an older Accepted who had worn her banded hem for about ten years now. Old enough that she felt that she had a certain amount of authority over younger Accepted, like herself.

 

"You're going to come with me immediately, I have some things for you to do. Now."

 

Lillian had slipped about the first couple of rude requests, but this one she was not going to let slide this time. It had been different as a Novice, but as an Accepted she was not there for other Accepted to order about willy nilly as it pleased them. It was with a pleasant smile and tone that Lillian addressed her colleague. "I'm sorry Narita, you must have me mistaken for someone else. If you would care to observe."

 

Holding up the hem that lined the edge of her sleeve, Lillian continued. "I am Accepted like yourself, not a Novice. Despite that I might have been inclined to help you, but you're exceptionally rude and I would have thought that a Kandori would have a greater appreciation for courtesy than a southerner like myself."

 

The reaction on Narita's face was enough to broaden Lillian's smile. As capable as she was of bending like a reed, it was sometimes necessary to slap a person back into reality. If Narita thought Lillian was going to run about and do chores for her during the rest of Narita's time as an Accepted, she was sorely mistaken.

 

"How dare you speak to me in that manner!"

 

"How dare you. You're rude and thoughtless, I have no time for either. Are you done?"

 

The rest of the conversation followed in much the same manner.

 

 

Lillian Tremina

Accepted of the White Tower

[Guest Estel]

The sun shone brightly, warming the seemingly young woman standing still to enjoy it. Should one of the citizens of Tar Valon look straight at her from their lowly place in the streets, they would not have been able to see her, let alone make out the unusual smile plastered on the coppery face. Of course, they would not have known that smile was unusual there either.

 

However, to that actually not-so-young woman, currently living in that moment and in that place, it was everything. Estel Liones, often referred to as the Blue’s kicked puppy, was in an unusually good mood. Unusual because for the past number of years- since just before her raising, to be precise- she had been utterly miserable. Only lately had her spirits picked up, despite the mess she had somehow managed to land herself in- ‘By no fault of my own!’ Her conscience practically rolled its metaphorical eyes.

 

Now finally, five years since being raised to the Shawl she was only beginning to understand, she was trying to set everything- and especially everyone- right.

 

It was in the process of returning to her rooms that she heard a voice which tugged on her memory. Her natural curiousity forced her to follow the sound to its source and, being a visual person, it wasn’t until she actually saw the girl’s face that she remembered her.

 

Lillian Tremina had been a Novice when Estel had first met her. During that first meeting, Estel had done what she did best: bitched. She had needed an outlet for her frustration at the time and being the arrogant, self-absorbed woman she was, the then-Novices’ misplaced basket of branches had provided the perfect excuse to vent. Oddly, by the end of the conversation, the moody Aes Sedai had actually found herself trying to help- in her own very skewed way- the submissive Novice.

 

The Blue’s grin grew wider as she listened to Lillian argue with another Accepted. Pride filled her- despite her new ‘build up the career, help others’ attitude, nothing had changed in the arrogance department and she gave credit for the girl’s backbone to herself. Had she been a White or perhaps a Brown- Light help those Ajahs should they ever had to deal with her ‘unique’ logic- she would have perhaps seen what exactly it was that frustrated her fellow Sisters- which was still an object of confusion for her.

 

When finished congratulating herself on her work, she stepped up towards the Accepted harassing Lillian and once again used her best skill. “May I suggest you leave your fellow Accepted alone, child?†Her face was the compulsory mask of Aes Sedai blankness that hid any visible evidence of a sneer. Meanwhile, her voice did not.

 

When the other girl had stalked off, Estel turned to Lillian letting a small smile through her mask. “Well, well. Look who grew a backbone!â€

[Wayfarer]

Narita was increasingly becoming excitable, as was her choice of language and Lillian found herself feeling it was about time to simply turn her back on the other Accepted and walk away when an Aes Sedai interrupted their conversation. Not just any Aes Sedai either, Lillian remembered Estel Sedai rather well. They had only met once, but Lillian had been sure to learn and remember the name of the sister afterwards. A mistake had resulted in the sister turning on her, trying to cause her to lose her temper.

 

It had been in her act of surrender that the sister had left her alone, her submission to the fate of seeing the Mistress of Novices regardless of what happened and it had surprised the Aes Sedai enough that the woman had let her be with a misplaced piece of advice and no doubt mistaken ideas about her. Something that was revealed when Narita was dismissed and Estel Sedai turned to her.

 

The amusement that Estel Sedai clearly felt at her words was not something that Lillian shared. But while she had been more than happy to put Narita in her place, Lillian knew that doing the same with an Aes Sedai was not a smart move. Especially with Estel Sedai, if what she had been told and what she had experienced were anything to go by, that would be a decidedly bad idea. The woman was more than capable of carrying a grudge, something Lillian didn't need anyone to bear against her.

 

Her smile having slipped away, Lillian's features were neutral as she spoke carefully. "Estel Sedai."

 

 

Lillian Tremina

Accepted of the White Tower

[Guest Estel]

The smile slipped from Lillian’s face and her reply was hesitant. Even blind as Estel was- often she wondered whether she was blinder than her Warder- she could not miss the girl’s odd reaction. Her immediate reaction was self-doubt. Had she said or done anything wrong? Blood and ashes! Why did everything she do go awry?

 

She kept her doubt from her face but let some of the confusion slip into the mask. “What's wrong, child?â€

 

 

Odd, that wasn't like the Estel Sedai that Lillian remembered. Of course, that had been a single meeting where Estel Sedai had torn into her as opposed to something as calm as this. But first impressions always had a way of lasting, even if Lillian tried to give the benefit of the doubt at times. "Nothing, Estel Sedai." With her luck, Estel Sedai would no doubt take offence to that like she had her previous mistake

 

 

Estel was not convinced and as usual her natural curiousity took over. There was something else at play here that she let remain in her subconscious rather than force herself to be aware of. Though she was not generally a forgiving woman, nor a particularly kind one either, she did feel she owed it to Lillian to some how make up for the way she had acted in their first, unfortunate meeting. Besides, she remembered how torn she had been after her Arches.

 

“Are you sure Child? Earning your Acceptance is not the easiest thing in the world.†She chose her words carefully, it was unwritten law that an Aes Sedai did not speak of her or another’s Arches and burn her if she wouldn’t try and show them all that she wore her Shawl by right.

 

 

Blinking, Lillian decided not to think about her arches as Estel Sedai had mentioned them. She did not usually ignore her arches, indeed most nights she spent thinking about them, and what they had meant, what they told her about herself. But she would not speak of them, and it seemed Estel Sedai didn't understand why she reacted as she did. The only way to do it would be to speak plainly but doing so carried a number of consequences. Still, it was better than being hounded by the woman over them, possibly even pitied because of them. That Estel Sedai had been one of the ones to see her broken as she had not been something she had been glad of. "Could we go somewhere alone? Where I could speak plainly?"

 

 

“Yes, of course.†she said aloud and to herself asked ‘Why does it always feel like I’m the only one not understanding a situation?’ Why was the girl acting so oddly and what on earth could she want to talk about that needed privacy?

 

Some time later she ushered the Accepted into her room, gesturing towards a chair. Before joining the girl she quickly made tea and poured two cups. Handing one to her she finally released the question that had plagued her the entire walk there. “What is it you wished to speak about?â€

 

Taking a seat, Lillian was quick to study the room while Estel Sedai's back was turned. Not the neatest room, there were still some clothes on the floor, yet the deep blue curtains were finely paired with the darkly stained wood that could be found within. Taking the tea as it was offered to her, Lillian sipped as she listened to Estel Sedai's question. She had a feeling she was about to outstayher welcome, but she wasn't going to lie to Estel Sedai either and be caught out later.

"I want to know, why do you have a problem with me? First the gardens when I was a Novice, and now you make a jape about me as if I had only just come into possession of a spine, and then you move onto my arches. Why? I have done nothing to you."

 

Well, that hadn’t been the answer she had been expecting. Not even close! It was all she could do to keep her mouth closed and her eyes their normal size. Wow, she felt stupid. More stupid than usual. Which was to say she felt as if she had the intelligence of a small insect.

 

It took an number of minutes before she could even summon up the intelligence to try and think of an answer. Despite the girl’s submissive nature, she made Estel feel as inadequate as all her other Sisters made her feel. Damn them all, couldn’t they see she was trying! She was trying so hard but it never worked. Even something as simple as trying to help a Novice had a way of backfiring.

 

She failed to hide her blush as she began to splutter out some sort of explanation. “It’s not... uh... not that I have a problem... er... per say... um... with you... I... well... I... dam...†‘No swearing in front of initiates you bloody idiot.’ “... I’m sort of this way around everyone.†Oh for Light’s sake! Why couldn’t she even answer a Novice without spluttering and feeling more like a fool with every word!

 

 

The silence had been the first worrying sign, the red that had crept onto Estel Sedai's face the second. Lillian found herself doubting the wisdom of her choice of words, but it was the flood of words that came from Estel Sedai that threw Lillian. She'd expected an attack of some sort, but instead Estel Sedai was almost confused in the way she answered. Even apologetic, sort of. Frowning slightly, there was only one word that Lillian could utter. "Why?"

 

 

Estel laughed. It was a complicated laugh. Much like herself really; shallow on the outside while storms brewed underneath. This laugh was bitter, amused, exhausted, desperate and somehow philosophical all in the span of a second’s time. It was the same question she had asked herself over and over again since the very first time Nynaeve had taken her to her Arches. Why was she the way she was? It was so much easier to just leave it at the famous ‘Because.’ She had tried to probe what went on deep within her but as usual had not been prepared nor brave enough for the truth.

 

“Why?†she repeated, shaking her head. “You probably know better than I.â€

 

Estel Sedai

 

Lillian Tremina

[Wayfarer]

This was definitely not what Lillian had expected. What had she managed to get herself into? Certainly, there was no way she could extricate herself from it now. Not without Estel Sedai possibly turning, the only thing left to do was commit and go forward, and hope she didn't trip up along the way. Something she suspected she could manage rather easily at this point. "I barely know you. What do you think it is?"

 

Estel laughed again. “Light, girl! You should join the Whites! I have no idea, I’ve changed enough from what I was as a Novice and Accepted that I’ve learned not to question it. Often as not you don’t want the answers.†Her laugh came again, bitter; full of the knowledge that she was too cowardly to face the truth. Burn her she hated knowing she was a coward, hated that her Sisters knew, hated that they all looked down on her. She had a babysitter for Light’s sake!

 

The situation was laughable, here she was sitting and talking philosophy with a Accepted and opening up more than she had to most others who tried to claw their way through the layers upon layers of walls she had put up against prying eyes and hateful tongues. It had been so long since she had talked to anyone about any of this though. She couldn’t bring herself to spill her heart out to her lover yet she could not stop sharing of herself with this Accepted.

 

Lillian was fairly sure she was venturing onto dangerous ground, but she reminded herself of her earlier thought. She was committed now, letting it go now could only end badly, whereas going forward might only possibly end badly. Besides, it made her wonder, what could possibly lead to an Aes Sedai being so tightly wound. Leaning forward slightly, Lillian took the risk and looked into Estel's eyes but abandoned her careful neutrality for a far softer and genuine gaze. "Are you sure you don't want answers?"

 

Again came the bitter laugh; it tried to soften the pain with amusement, tried to belittle the loss but it only infected the wound. Yet like a wounded animal she would let no on touch it for she could not trust any enough to clean it. They had all betrayed her: Sirayn had used her, Carise had left her, Serena had turned against her and she was too afraid of losing Orion to tell him the truth. A certain cartoon had once said of her ‘Been to the edge so many times, now take trips.’ and it was true. Estel Liones had been broken down further and further and now she could not trust because others would only hurt her more.

 

The truth? There were so many truths that they often contradicted one another. For every tale there were at least three tales, each of them true in their own fashion. For Estel the truth had ever been her enemy. She had rejected her Arches the first time because she had been afraid of the truth. Carise had shown her that. Her beloved mentor had also shown her the path towards the truth after she had been Raised to the Shawl and yet she had refused to walk it.

 

‘The truth will set you free.’ Carise had said that too and it had comforted her as a Novice but she couldn’t see how it would set her free now. It was so much easier to live this lie than face any more pain than she already had. And yet a small part of her told her she would never be truly happy nor accept her true duty as a Servant of All until she finally faced the truth. She wanted that, didn’t she? ‘Do I?’

 

“I don’t know.†Minutes had passed since she had laughed and now her tone was completely sober. “Are you ready to face the fact that you could be living a lie?†Her father’s death and her subsequent hate for the Red Ajah could all be a lie. She was here because of her father, she worked for her father’s memory. Light, she wasn’t ready to face the truth if that would all be torn down.

 

"No." Lillian didn't hesitate in her answer, even though she had no idea where it was leading. The was something to be said for the oaths of the Aes Sedai that she was supposed to emulate, simply truth was her only way to navigate through this now. Estel Sedai's words did make her wonder what had caused this though, why did she doubt everything about herself? "I don't think anyone would be either. But I also think I'd feel like I needed to know. How could you be certain of yourself otherwise?"

 

“The woman who is certain of herself is a lucky person. Sometimes we’re not strong enough to face what we must. One day... perhaps. I hope one day...†She could not keep the longing from her voice.

 

That was a soul bearing admission. Responding naturally rather than thinking it over, Lillian reached to her right and taking one of Estel Sedai's hands, squeezed it gently. "You will sooner or later." Withdrawing her hand, she continued. "I'm sorry as well... For before, will you forgive me?"

 

It was strange that she laughed so much, one would think her a happy-go-lucky person. But laugh again she did, and with no bitterness. “There’s nothing to forgive, child.†My, my, she really was becoming generous, she was not a naturally forgiving person. Though something did irk at her. “And, Lillian, I’d prefer you’d not mention our conversation to anyone else.†There were those- on second thought... Every Sister in the Tower looked down on her enough, there was no need for rumours of baring her soul to an Accepted to begin circulating with the hundreds of others attached to her name.

 

Lillian nodded "What isn't other people's business doesn't concern them. And thank you." Lillian had no intention of telling another, if she couldn't keep secrets then how could she be trusted? Especially something as personal as Estel Sedai had shared, though Lillian had to wonder why Estel Sedai had chosen to bare herself to an Accepted of such as herself rather than another. Was there no one else? Lillian felt sympathy but she made sure to quash any sense of pity, pity would cut worse than anything else she could do. "And thank you for trusting me."

 

 

Lillian Tremina

Accepted of the White Tower

 

Estel Liones

Blue Ajah

[Guest Estel]

Estel breathed in relief. This wouldn’t become yet another sin attached to her name and she would not receive lectures over the way a ‘proper Aes Sedai’ would have handled the situation. Blood and ashes! A ‘proper Aes Sedai’ wouldn’t have gotten herself into the situation! Burn her, she was so tired of listening to speeches about everything she had done wrong. She wondered if either people didn’t realize that everyone needed a compliment her and there or they simply couldn’t find a virtue to compliment.

 

She dismissed Lillian with a smile and wave before sitting back down to finish her tea and contemplate the Accepted’s last words. Trust? She hardly knew the meaning of the word! Even with Orion... She had never been very trusting in the first place and any interaction with Sisters had only crushed any hope of trusting them. So had she trusted Lillian or had that simply been a desperate need to talk to someone?