Belly-full of fun! Irish jokes!

[Torrie]

A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' 

with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do 

and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells 

barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother 

country as well. The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from. 

Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man 

hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey 

for me and my friend here. Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin 

and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll 

be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for 

the pair of us. 

The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the 

pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley 

twins are here getting drunk again.

[Torrie]

Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan.  The young couple sat in 

the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance 

of old man Phelan. One night he couldn"t take any more.  Standing at the 

top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here 

all hours of the night?"  "Why, Dad, " said Frances,  "Michael was just 

telling me everything that's in his heart!"  "Well, next time, "  roared 

Phelan,  "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take 

half as long!" 

 

[Torrie]

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions. 

No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins 

to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya 

want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!" the 

doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. 

"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be 

praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a 

minute. Hold the lantern, Mikey." Soon the doctor delivers the next 

child. "You've a full set now, Mikey. A beautiful baby daughter." 

"Thanks be to..." Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mikey, 

Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor 

holds up the baby for Mike's inspection. "Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you 

think it's the light that's attracting them?"

 

Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's 

obiturary.  She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word 

and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away.  She 

thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two 

dollars.  But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died."  The newsman said he 

thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no 

charge.  Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary:  "Pete 

died.  Boat for sale"

 

[Samuraiflip05]

:D

[Torrie]

But wait! There's more!

 

A young Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession. 

"Father, forgive me for I have Thinned." 

"You've Thinnned?" 

"Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times." 

"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down." 

"Will that wash away me Thin?" 

"No, but it will get the silly smile off your face." 

 

Two shipyard horses talking to each other. "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic horse?" "Catholic, 

why" "Keep that quiet, I had a friend last week who told them he was lame and the shot him"

 

Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are 

sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, 

what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English 

man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. 

"Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to 

something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, 

after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off 

towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 

30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would 

you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".

 

Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the 

shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and 

had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower 

and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by 

came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try 

that budgie jumping"

 

One day Mrs. Flanagan feels sickly and goes to the doctor for a look 

at.  The doctor looks her over and says, "Well now, Mrs. Flanagan.  I'm 

a perplexed on your condition but if you bring a urine specimen to me in 

the morning I can tell exactly what's wrong."  Mrs. Flanagan went home and said to her husband, "The doctor wants me to  bring him a urine specimen in the morning.  I don't know what a urine  specimen is, what am I to do?"  Mr. Flanagan replied, "I don't know, but if you go see Mrs. O'Toole,  she'll know what to do."  Mrs. Flanagan then went down the road to Mrs. O'Toole's and returned a  few minutes later with her clothes torn, a black eye, bruises all over  her body, and her hair tangled like a bird nest.  A shocked Mr. Flanagan gasped, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph, woman!  What  happened to ye?"  "I went to see Mrs. O'Toole and asked her what a urine specimen is and 

she said 'Piss in a bottle, woman.'  So, I said 'Go shit in yer hat !' 

And the fight was on."-

 

Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council 

conference. Shortly into the trip, one pries says "Well, we've all 

worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I 

suggest we tell each other one of our sins." They look nervously at 

each other but nod OK. The first priest says "Since I suggested it, 

I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my 

collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few 

days. Get it out of my system." They all look each other again 

nervously, but the next priest slowly starts "Wellll......with me, 

it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and 

go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system." The third, 

who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My 

sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, 

pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it 

out of my system." They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He 

doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've 

all told our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others 

and starts hestitantly "Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I 

can't wait to get off this train!"

 

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a 

train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, 

in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever 

tasted it? 

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." 

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, 

too...I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...." 

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed 

once or twice." 

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he 

was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

 

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus 

was never too happy about it, either. So one night sh hides in the cemetery 

and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up 

from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, 

"Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's 

to Hell I'll take ye'". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who 

the hell ARE you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned 

old fool". To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm 

married to yer sister."