The Pirate Sports Report (2009 WRC)

[Auld Manriva]

OK people suspend your serious for a few moments and regard this tongue-in-cheek report done for MyndJack Radio last evening for what it is... A really pathetic attempt at humour. But I'm not proud so I'll paste the dang text of the audio here anyway. Disregard any factual errors. Hell, I certainly disregarded the facts.

 

I'm here boys.. comin' at ya from BlackPudding-upon-Rye in jolly old Engleland for the World of Haulin' Ass on Dirt, Gravel and Snow Covered Roads as fast as you can in a tiny overpowered car Premier League Final..

 

This years 12 race chase held in countries all around this rock circling the sun has been close from the very first race last February held in Friesenbunghul Sveden! They then proceeded to drag these race teams to Meh-hee-ko where Montezuma's Revenge nearly determined the race, then to the Kingdom of Jordan where Palestinian refugees were an added obstacle, to Turkey where sandwiches were handed out all round,and New Zealand, where Sheep were handed out all round. Next stop Portugal where each driver had to swill a gallon of Port by the end of the race and caused one poor Finlander driver Uhoh Vatamahdoin and his navigator to plunge down a 200 foot ravine rolling about 40 times to finally stop up against a tree. Totally demolishing their car but not harming either drunken sot who had no idea what planet they were on much less which country they were in.

 

Then they went to Bulgaria. Where the race officials were all carted off for illegal harvesting of Bulgar Wheat. In July they all slogged their way to Finland, where surprisingly Landsharks abide and where fins to the left and fins to the right made this circuit the most interesting one of the year, I'm talkin about Hawaiian Shirts and Grass Skirts akimbo. Next up was Germany. Nothing funny there. Then a three week break whilst they all made their way to Japan. This race was won by last years series champion Sebastian l'Earlobe of France who's Citroen C4 amazingly turned into a talkin' Monster Truck and demolished a small fishing village on his way to the checkered flag.

 

Then on to France, Spain and finally here to Houndstooth-upon-Tweed England. Sebastian l'Earlobe trailed the Finlandian Jari Matti Latidoodahday by a mere two points. These two titans of the gravel, dirt, snow, ice and occasional asphalt track had gone back and forth all season but in the end Monsieur le Earlobe crossed the finish in first place after having tossed out a big box of fish and chips, which Mr. Latidoodahday was known to not be able to resist.

 

Guys.. this whole racing season came down to a ONE point difference and a box of soggy french frie... ummm pommes frites, to determine the ultimate bad road driver in a 500 horsepower car no bigger than my lawnmower. When Monsieur l'Earlobe was asked what was next for him after winning FIVE of these championships in a row Sebastien replied. Well mon ami, but of course! Ve are taking zee 'oliday to zee Deezneyland. Mais oui.. zat Goofy, oo lala he is zee GENIUS! ...   THANKS SEBASTIAN!

 

And thats it for Pirate Sports from here in Giant Rat of Sumatra-upon-Fireside Engleland.

 

 

 

If anyone feels slighted ... GEEEEZ.. Get a grip!

[Danh]

The scoobies were my only reason for watching WRC. Subaru has been running WRC for god knows how long.