The Road to Nowhere [attn: Seiaman] - 999 NE

[Sirayn]

: : : : At the crack of dawn the palest hues of light slid in softly to colour the sleeping city in shadow. Beneath brooding skies the city appeared as some great dragon, white as ice, coiled gently about its towering prize. As a blazing sun rose somewhere distant beyond the cloud banks, molten gold burst forth across the sky, tinting everything the same delicate shade as though painted with gold leaf. That night a frost had set in and now lay in a white shroud across arches and spires so that each peak glittered like the point of a diamond. Down in the darkened streets chill still lingered in among the elegant wrought structures; ice water dripped somewhere among the mist hazed maze of streets, the echoes soon drowned out by the stirring sounds of the city. It was a sharp sort of morning meant for a journey.

 

: : : : A shadow passed swiftly across the smooth surface of a hall, the polished stone reflecting back an image distorted as though viewed through water. Small and slight the passer by looked no more than a wraith amid the mist and the swirling frost; a careless gesture with a black gloved hand drew her hood closer over the dark hair to conceal her features. Shadows covered all but the hard set of her mouth. At first glance nothing about this tiny woman cloaked and garbed for travel was worthy of remark, but a closer look might have picked out some stern quality to her bearing, a subtle stillness about her, which spoke of menace. The chill did not seem to touch her as it did others nor did the mist delay her progress. Her steps echoed softly through the empty streets as she wound her way through the city in its drowsing daze.

 

: : : : The band of gold across the horizon had broadened a notch and the light in among these graceful houses had brightened by the time she strode into the stable yards in the shadow of the White Tower itself. Above her the citadel itself soared in ivory glory. Here and there a line of frost glittered beneath the sun; where shade lay too impenetrable for sun to break through the ground was hard and crunching with ice. Two sleek horses stood under the sun, steamed gently in the cold air, while stable hands hurried to tie on their saddle bags and check the track. Shouts dropped to softer pitches at her appearance and those whose curses had rang out across the still air fell abruptly silent.

 

: : : : She spared no attention to any of them for her companion had arrived before her. Laying eyes on the Ebou Dari woman, lean and strong as a cat and with a hunter’s effortless way of fascinating, sent a strange shiver through her but she kept a stone mask. Lazily feigning ignorance of anyone else’s presence she lifted a gloved hand to push back her hood; pale sun slanted in to pick out tints of red and copper in her dark hair, gilded the harsh lines of her face, and she raised an impassive grey glance toward the other woman. Their eyes met despite the servants scurrying across the distance between them … held, in a timeless moment, and something twisted in her heart like a knife; she wanted to slap Seiaman, wanted to snarl at her, wanted to stalk away and never come back; wanted something she could not put into words. It was as though there were a barrier between them crafted by time and loss and pride.

 

: : : : This failure to find words filled her with a sudden and irrational anger. None of this made sense. “You are ready, I suppose?†She made the words curt caring little how they came across. The edge in her tone made the servants jump in finishing their work. Their movement distracted her; she frowned at them, as though she was interested in anything except Seiaman in this moment. It gave her a brief sense of satisfaction to think how Jaydena must be fuming right now … so lately united once again with the love of her life and the subject of her secret marriage; only to have it all snatched away by the cripple whom she had openly called a coward. How did it feel to know that their much treasured happiness could be shattered by somebody so despised at a moment’s notice? She hoped it stung and stung hard. Maybe that would teach Jaydena to cross her from now on.

 

: : : : Or maybe, if she managed to carry out her plans, she would find a much more agreeable form of revenge … defeating the Sitter on her own grounds amid the complex intrigues of Daes Dae’mar as completely as she had once done in a tourney. Images: brightness and blazing banners and the cold bite of steel; vividly she remembered kneeling amid the dust and the broken ground where they had fought and holding a dagger to her quarry’s throat. Perhaps she should have turned it inward then and let that eager point seek out the red life so near and so tempting. But no … soon enough she would have her own vengeance; gained without a drop of blood spilled; a point proven to those who had dismissed her as witless and lacking in subtlety, merely a tool to fit their hand. Let them kneel to her in turn some day. Now that would be sweet.

 

: : : : Perhaps she would send her rival a letter later, all the same, detailing as vividly as she liked all the time she was spending with Seiaman. Doubtless this journey would cause Jaydena more grief than it ever gratified her, cursed as she was with the constant presence of her ex Gaidin, but this prospect at least seemed bright. She let the vindictive thrill of that thought soften her irritation a little, smooth out the hard lines made by her frown; the easing of pressure across the stable yard was clear to all but the most oblivious observer. “Let’s be off.†Carelessly she crossed the yard toward her waiting mount, stilled, once she reached its side; Seiaman waiting at her shoulder in order to offer her a leg up. Her mouth compressed stung briefly and bitterly though she could not say why. Maybe it was a gesture born of chivalry, but to a skilled player, half a hundred meanings could be read into it; that was the reason she gave herself.

 

: : : : In the space of an instant she weighed up the benefits of starting a quarrel right there in the yard for anyone to see, a tempting prospect, but discarded the thought immediately. A less than gracious silence prevailed as she accepted her ex Gaidin’s assistance; ignoring as best she could the memories brought back too keenly by strong hands on her. Intensely she remembered how Seiaman had given her up battered and defenceless to the most horrifying experience of her life. An icy dread took hold of her. All of a sudden the sun was too bright, too many people watching, the clamour about the yards too loud; everything was close and immediate and shut out all thought. And for long moments half of her was trapped once again beneath the ground in a choking tangle of fear and torment.

 

: : : : No. Nobody was going to pity her ever again. It was pitiful for a grown woman to be so torn up about something which had happened a month and more ago … besides, and this she told herself fiercely, it hadn’t been that awful, many women went through the same during the course of their lives. It had been nothing. Less than nothing. Only a coward would still be hurting so much. She took a slow breath, relaxed her grip on the reins, tried to be less rigidly tense; if she could just make herself understand that this weakness was shameful maybe she could let it go. “Are you waiting for a tip?†she inquired coldly arching a brow toward the woman still waiting at her side. The tones were too harsh, rough with memories better suppressed, but nobody would expect anything less from her. “This morning would be an excellent time to start moving.â€

 

: : : : Having thus dismissed any inclination toward pity, or so she hoped, Sirayn waited in stony silence while the other woman mounted up; turned her gaze toward the white city and the open road which lay beyond like a promise of freedom. Maybe if she rode far enough and fast enough she could escape the clutching shades of times past. Maybe she could work out the secret of how everyone else managed to live with themselves. After all, there were many lands and many people out there, far beyond the reach of the white city. Perhaps if she was lucky she could even learn to work around the loss of her hand. Such fanciful thoughts beneath the sun on this crisp day. Her mouth curled in an ironic smile, and she put her heels into her horse, starting out on the road through Tar Valon. If this was the last time she stood beneath a winter sun as a soldier, a hunter among men, let it be well done.

 

Sirayn Sedai

Sister of the Battle Ajah

 

Seiaman stepped out of the winter store, having picking a few items for the trip north. It was rumored by recent visitors from the north that the winter was still bitter, threatening to ice the life out of any travellers who came unprepared. I hope that Sirayn is prepared. A part of her thought to send a note of forewarning to the woman but she quickly shot that idea down. If she does not come prepared, it is her own fault. Stop worrying about her and start worrying about yourself. She stepped into a weaponry store and started to look over the cleaning kits that was meant for travel. The unease still lingered in the back of her mind at what was said nearby the rose garden - she could not believe what she had said, that she would still die for Sirayn. She shook her head slightly, Well, it's true. It's what is expected of you. Picking out a small leather kit with sharpening and cleaning supplies, she turned towards the daggers and pole staff accessories. She knew it'd be icy - it would be best to perhaps wrap some sort of twine around where she held the staff to offer friction. The soft voice in the back of her mind dared to speak, Yes, that is true. But you know that is not why you would die for her again. Anger silenced the voice - she would not allow herself to fall into that trap again. She would do what was expected of her to do, nothing more.

 

After she picked out a good twine that she could wrap around the areas where she held the pole staff, she paid for the the items and stepped out of the store. There was nothing more she needed, she still had most of her travelling necessities prior to her arrival to the Tower. She headed towards the stables where Storms was kept to notify the master to prepare her horse for the departure. It is due time that she picks a youngling to bond, she would not want someone who is nearly out of their prime. But no matter how hard she tried to convince herself that replacements were common in the White Tower, resentment and jealousy still stirred within. She knew she could not depart in this condition, lest it distracts her from the mission at hand. But all those that she could trust to speak with were no longer at the Tower. Perhaps it is time to find a bond, Seiaman. Someone new to focus on. The soft voice laughed in the back of her head, To replace Sirayn and what she means to you? Not bloody possible. She growled lightly, wishing that the cumbersome voice would be a humanly body so she could destroy it once and for all. She stepped in the stables and headed towards Storms, whom immediately recognized her scent and walked to the end of her stall to share greetings. "Hello, my dear." Storms nudged her nose in similar sentiment. "We're off in the morrow, hm? Rest and eat." Storms shook her head and moved her head to offer her ear for scratches. A rare smile crept on Seiaman's lips as she obliged, "So demanding you are." After a few moments, she nuzzled her horse and stepped away to discuss the trip with the stablemaster.

 

The details were worked out and Seiaman stepped out of the stables and headed towards her quarters to pack. The sun had slowly faded away already as the stars were climbing to their rightful places among the black sky. What of the boy? She couldn't help but shake her head. It was not like she could fault him for his behavior, having been selected for attention by one of the most prestigious Green Ajah sisters in the White Tower. If he knew anything of the history she carried with Sirayn, it could be that he felt threatened by Seiaman's presence. Or is it that he is just very protective of her - being groomed to be her Warder? Seiaman opened the door into her quarters and went to the small fireplace to start a fire and pulled the chute half-closed. If there was no one in the Tower that could help, there would be others. She changed into more comfortable clothes and opened her chest to pull out a pouch filled with wood chips and sweetgrass. As she learned from her time away, there were certain aromas that played a part to mediation - it helped induce a more relaxed state of body and mind, creating a mediation session deeper than experienced before - it would be difficult to bring the person out of it.

 

Tossing a handful of the wood chips and sweet grass into the small fire, Seiaman extinguished all candles in the room but one - leaving the fire to be the only source of light and heat. The only candle left was meant to mark time past. She sat on the floor, softened by a fur rug - she crossed her legs and rested the back of the hands against her knees. Gazing into the firelight, she slowed her breathing and let the fire consume all around her. The flames danced, the sweet smoke rising towards her - her eyes closed slowly, her mind stopped racing, her heartbeat slowed down - and peace enveloped her.

 

Seiaman walked across a plain of tall green grass, the tendrils of the wind whipping them around. The sun rays beamed down against the earth as a small stream trickled nearby. In this place of her mind, she was not a warrior. She was not a Tower Guard. She was Seiaman Kera of Ebou Dar. She rarely felt like this anymore. With her arrival to the White Tower and learning that her once Aes Sedai still lived - the mere thought of it brought a sudden flood of dark clouds raced across the sky, thunderbolts and lightening silenced all other sound - the rain threatening to destroy all peace she knew. "You are a very chaotic woman, my daughter." She swiveled around and faced a woman she had not seen in a very long time. Roseli stepped across the stream, the water now racing furiously to whatever destination fate held. "I cannot help it, Mother. Chaos seems to be fond with me." The older woman smiled, taking a seat on a boulder that seemed to appear out of nowhere.

 

"Why do you keep tormenting yourself?" Seiaman looked away from her mother, refusing to answer.

 

"Resentment, anger, and jealousy will be your undoing, daughter. The more you allow these emotions consume you and strip you of any ability for rational thought - you will destroy yourself and any chance of happiness." Seiaman let out a scoff.

 

"I think, Mother, I do not deserve to be happy. It was bound to happen - from the pain and suffering I have inflicted upon those that I once loved, it was due to return back to me. Sirayn has found another - perhaps to bond or to bed. The boy that has attached himself seems to be telling her lies about my doings, what his purpose for doing so, I do not know. And I do not feel the same as I once did for Jaydena. All of my friends are gone. And my family is too far. Happiness is an illusion to me now, just like you are."

 

"Well," the woman was playing with a flower, "You seemed to have summed up your misery well. Do you think that perhaps the negativitiy is being created by yourself - not the Wheel?" A small smile appeared on her lips, "And yet you seem content to keep inflicting pain on those who want nothing but to have you by their side. Did Sirayn not embrace you when she first found you? Did Jaydena..."

 

Seiaman spoke up, "Enough. I do not need reminders." The older woman raised her eyebrows and shook her head softly. "It is not me, I know what I want." She turned to face her mother, "You've been dead many years past. What do you know of what I want?"

 

The older woman slid off the boulder and stepped towards Seiaman, becoming more transparent with each step. "What you think you want is not what you need. The Wheel is trying to show you that but you keep going off on your own path. Stop making yourself suffer, Seiaman. If Sirayn chooses this boy you speak of, so be it. Another will come along to take her place. Just as one came along for her to take yours. You may still have love for the woman - even if she is convinced that you are out to make her miserable - in due time, if you let whatever that is meant to happen ... it will happen. If you stop denying what you feel - it will happen."

 

The woman was now inches from Seiaman and her hand brushed against Seiaman's cheek. Her voice was soft as was her touch. "You are not your own Judge. You committed a wrong," the woman shrugged, "learn from it. Don't repeat it."

 

Seiaman looked into her fading mother's eyes. "It's not as easy as it sounds." The older woman just smiled, "It never is, my sweets. It never is."

 

The fire popped loudly and Seiaman opened her eyes. Tears streaked down her cheeks and she wiped them away as she brought her knees up against her chest. The fire was reduced to a dull glow by now and she glanced at the candle, it had burned near to the bottom. Hours for a minute. Her mother's words echoed in her mind. Just let things happen, Seiaman. Don't push nor pull. Just be led by the Wheel. She rose from the ground and stretched her stiff muscles as she walked over to the window. Pulling out a small pipe and stuffing it with sweet tobacco leaves, she lit it as she looked up at the stars, her mind deep in thought yet she felt a strange peace.

 

***********

The ice glittered on the grass as Seiaman stood outside of the stables, attaching her saddlebags to her saddle and making sure all was accounted for. Sirayn's horse was nearby, a stableboy was doing the same with the items that Sirayn had sent down shortly after she had arrived. She turned to check Storms' hooves as a figure departed from the White Tower, heading straight for the stables. She went over to Sirayn's horse and patted its rump to let it know that she was not going to cause harm. Battlesteeds at the Tower were sometimes unrelenting creatures, only allowing the rider nearby. She was glad Storms was not like that, she was capable of surviving a battle just like a battlesteed but her heart was still wild and pure. What are you doing, Seiaman? She doesn't care if you help her on the horse or not. Sirayn was now a few feet away and the conflict appeared in her eyes as if she was offended by Seiaman's gesture. At least I can show her I still have my manners even if we are at war. After a very brief moment, the Aes Sedai seemed to have settled the argument in her mind as she stepped forward and accepted her assistance, saddling her horse. Touching her again stirred an emotion deep behind her walls of ice, probing a weakness in them as if it was about to break through. Memories threatened to surface, those of times past. She watched Sirayn's face, fighting to still the chaos within - looking at her hard face and trying to remember the painful moments of their past relationship. The small voice spoke up in her mind, What about the good memories?

 

Sirayn's voice jolted her out of her thoughts. "Are you waiting for a tip?" The tone was sharp and Seiaman ignored the woman's intent to make her feel small. "This morning would be an excellent time to start moving." Her mother's voice seemed to whisper in her ear as Seiaman walked to Storms and saddled the horse with an affectionate pat on her neck, No matter how much you want to despise something - a simple pleasant memory of what once was is enough to remind you that the sun is smiling down on you. She shook her head and nudged Storms into following Sirayn on the North road out of Tar Valon. The town surrounding them bustled with activity, children shouting and running around as if it was a warm summer day. Merchants shouting out their wares and occasionally succeeding in baiting a tourist wanting a piece of the legendary town.

 

They approached the North gates without incident; the Tower Guards recognized the ageless face and the battered Tower Guard that followed, granting them leave of Tar Valon. Once the road opened up, Seiaman nudged Storms to the side of Sirayn's horse and let her horse catch up yet still remain behind of Sirayn. She would not be the first to speak, there was nothing she wished to say to the woman she once revered. You still do, Seiaman.

 

~ Seiaman Kera

 

On the second day, the sun was starting to fade away. The trip so far had passed silently - the only time they spoke up was to announce time to make or break camp. Seiaman was riding behind Sirayn, her eyes sweeping across the land for any telltale signs of company. At the moment, the bitter cold wind swept away any opposition on their path. Bitter weather makes desperate men. Her eyes fell onto Sirayn's back and she shook her head softly. Why did I agree to this assignment? Suddenly the woman reined in her horse and waited for Seiaman to pull up to her side. "It's time to set up camp." Seia nodded her head quietly and turned Storms towards the outlining forest. She rode closer to the edge and dismounted her horse, leading her into the forest to find a decent campsite. The wind howled through the trees as she searched for shelter and any signs of food when her sight came across an enormous tree with a grove inside. She looked inside and was pleased to see that it was large enough for the horses and plenty of space between herself and the Aes Sedai. And more pleased to see that it was unoccupied by creatures as well as there being a cold fire pit left behind by the last tree occupant.

 

Making her way back to Sirayn, she kept an eye out on prey. But there were no tracks besides her own and Storms. Breaching the edge of the forest, Sirayn noticed her immediately and started to make her way towards her. Seiaman went back into the forest, the woman could follow her tracks without needing Seiaman's person to lead the way. She reached the tree and led Storms inside, loosening the saddle. Her warm breath frosted in the air before her as she unlatched her cot and blanket. A memory threatened to uproot her icy behavior, a time when setting camp was merrier. And on cold nights like now, Sirayn had once let Seiaman sleep close to keep her warm. She shook her head to be rid of the memory and set up her own sleeping spot on one side of the fire pit. That won't be happening any more, Seiaman. Stop being so wishful. Sirayn approached the enterance, prompting Seiaman to grab the waterbags from Storms' saddle and strapped them across her back. She pulled out a line and hook as well as her polestaff with the sharp edge attached. She opened her mouth to announce to Sirayn where she had seen the firewood on her way to the campsite when she thought better. The woman can do this herself. If she has a hard time of it, her own fault. A twinge of guilt shot through her as she turned around, seeing that Sirayn had already started to set up her own sleep space. She doesn't deserve to be treated this way. Not after what I've done. With a mental sigh and a quiet voice, Seiaman spoke up as she turned towards her saddle to pull out the flint to leave by the firepit. "There is some decent firewood that rested near the trail here." Turning towards the entrance and making her way back out to the bitter forest surrounding them, "I heard a river nearby, I will see if I can get us some fish." Without another word, Seiaman disappeared into the forest, walking slowly as not to frighten any possible dinner. And watching for other human tracks. You could always disappear in here, Seiaman. She'd never miss you. Seiaman shook her head softly, that was not an option. She had spent a lifetime making and breaking oaths - she was not about to do it some more. She picked up the nearly-silent trickling of water and she made her way towards it, it was not too far from where they were camping.

 

She stepped out to the outbrush and watched the river water flow past her. Well, at least I spoke to her which is better than the beginning of the trip. She crouched to the ground and began to set up a line. Before she had left, she pulled out a small can that was filled with fish bait - if there was fish in the river, this would entice it to its death. Tossing the completed hook into the river, she rose and saw that there was a decent sized boulder close to the river bed. "Hm, that'll do." It reminded her of the boulder in Radzy's Creek, a vital tool in her trainings. "Need to work out these cramps anyways." Before she leapt her way to the boulder, she crouched upstream of the line and filled up the water bags to the brim. Then she leapt on a few smaller boulders towards the bigger one and crouched on it to look into the water. A sliver of light proved that fish still resided in the river and that they, for now, were unaware of her presence. Just like what Sirayn is trying to do. With a soft sigh, she straightened and unstrapped her pole staff, going through the motions of warming up her body. You know, there is another way to warm up your body. A picture of Sirayn flashed before her eyes before she drowned it quickly and effectively. Not going to happen and you know it, Seiaman. Her movements became quicker as her invisible opponents came at her from all sides. The cold air whistled as the pole staff sliced through it. You know that she wants you. A sliver of light flashed before her eyes and the line went taut. She wants me far far away from her. Or dead. Wrapping up her workout, the muscles flowed with warmer blood and her cramps were gone. She sheathed her pole staff and leapt back on the river bed, grabbing the line and pulling the fish out of the water. The fat fish fought as its bringer of death flinged it onto the shore, grabbing her dagger and beheaded the fish. It went still.

 

Series of pictures flashed before her eyes once more - that of death and blood, her sword squeaking as she pulled it out of the dead body. The rush of adrenline and the feeling of enjoyment coming through the bond - she shook her head and beckoned the memory to be gone. There is no bond anymore. No point in remembering it. It still hurt too much to feel that void in her mind. To know that ultimately, she had failed the one person who mattered the most. You see, Seiaman? You still.... "Shut up. Not another word from you, Mother." She proceeded to gut and clean the fish, the fire would've been built and the campsite ready by now. She set up the line once more for her to check later in the evening - it'd be good to gather food for the trip. The colder it got, the more scarce food became if they had to make camp. You know what is uncanny, Seiaman? She refused to answer. Do you realize that you and Sirayn are doing the tasks that you have done in times past? The sudden truth hit her - she grudgingly recalled those camping moments and what they did. "What's your point?" She washed her hands off in the icy water and grabbed the full waterbags to make her way towards the campsite with dinner. If you two are still doing what feels most comfortable, it's a sign of times to come. "Enough. I don't want to hear your matchmaking schemes."

 

~ Seiaman Kera

 

As the chill deepened and the vast skies above their heads turned on relentlessly toward night Sirayn distracted herself with all the small signs of winter. Frost cut crisp lines out of the crawl of grass across harsh and barren ground. Skeleton trees clawed at the sky. The north in the grip of a hard winter was pretty in an apocalyptic sort of way; it made one aware of the fragility of life, their small sparks of warmth moving across a world so immense and unfeeling it had ground on for billions of years, and how quick it could be taken back; it chimed with the bleakness in her own thoughts. Empty spaces echoed with the subtle sound of their passing. This was a place so great it had raised its own kings and stood proud against the march of centuries. Yet at the same time these gigantic lands were prisoned in by the severity of their winters, the harsh clasp of snow and ice, sealing away all that grandeur at the turn of each year.

 

For a woman struck so speechless by the merest mention of feelings Sirayn painted the grandest pictures for herself in the quietness of her own thoughts. Tales she had learnt at her mother’s knee some two hundred years ago resonated within her now as from horizon to horizon broken lands made a vast sweep of grey. She looked toward the sky and pictured all the hundreds of miles which lay between her and those distant stars, now sparkling as a distorted field, a thousand thousand pricks of light, and imagined them whirling dizzily about this world; and all the majestic pictures in the world shut out troublesome thoughts only for a passing hour. She looked back at the earth and the grass and the stark trees, not seeing them at first, only their blurred outlines against a smear of grey and green, and in the midst of her contemplation those smudges resolved into another form. Seiaman.

 

During the course of years she had become accomplished at seeing only what she wanted to see … yet it was difficult to look at her one time Warder and not see how strong she was, the smooth muscles and the grace as intrinsic as anything; how stunning, with the kind of looks that only deepened as time wore on; how bright a green her eyes, and the weathered skin, how even the lines round her eyes and the old scars only added to her brilliance. So hard to look at her and not remember the sharp intensity of yearning. To remember Seiaman together with her fabulously beautiful lover cut like the slide of a knife, but she did it anyway, deliberately, because she deserved it. She had seen them so many times: laughing together, close and warm, the very picture of contentment; something reserved for other people. She ought not to sit and stare and remember being bonded, precious moments stolen and held close … but she was weak willed where she should have been as iron and never strong enough to do what had to be done.

 

A pace’s worth of space was all that stood between them and it might as well have been a chasm. Too many years had passed in silence. It was simpler to turn away, to keep her thoughts to herself, and to transmute all that useless loneliness to anger and hatred. That at least she understood. A long time on the wrong side of glass, clear enough to look yet not to touch, had taught her all about bitterness. It seemed unfair somehow that Seiaman should get so much while she was left with only ashes: a failed friend, a broken bondmate, out in the cold: but then life did not make any pretence at being fair … and perhaps she had earned it, who knew? Did all this loss spring from her faults and failures or was it the other way about? That she would leave for the philosophers, but what she understood in her heart was that this was not for the likes of her, that small unsightly cripples from backwater places ought to be grateful that even their lives had been spared.

 

“Firewood.†She echoed the word, a little empty, a little careless. That was all Seiaman wanted from her? It was an unreasonable thought, she knew, but something like a shudder ran through her briefly; a bit of disbelief, that while she had been thinking about matters much greater than herself, Seiaman was only concerned with making camp. It seemed obscurely like another insult but she supposed somebody had to be practical while she herself was dreaming of times long past. Irritated with herself and her fool’s thoughts she left the camp site without a backward glance, stepping careful over twisted roots and across the uneven ground, making herself focus on the crystal cold land around her rather than the hazed world of her memory. Life went on and winter turned around them. For a while there was nothing but chill and the keen watch of a hawk.

 

Later she built up the fire using those bundles of dry wood that she had gathered, meticulous, in the manner that somebody had taught her when she was just a child; all other details of that meeting had slipped from memory, but her hands still remembered how to make a fire. The briefest spark of saidar set a tiny red blaze to flickering amid the branches like a secret heart. It beat steadily, grew, devoured more wood. The sweetness of saidar called; she let go of it, stinging fast, rather than know its enticement any longer. There were some definite drawbacks to being so tiny. The chill took her harder than most other folk; cold to the bone, she crept a little closer to the fire for warmth, drew her fur lined coat closer about her. Most like she wouldn’t be properly warm until they reached proper cities.

 

Staring into the hungry heart of the fire she let herself slip a little further into memory. Half a hundred nights before this one, camping in some far flung land, and sometimes in even harsher cold than this … always she had been too proud to tell Seiaman that she was cold, it was beneath the dignity of an Aes Sedai, but if the other woman asked she had on occasion permitted Seiaman to keep her warm. Not many times; that was a whole new world of temptation which she had sworn not to enter. It was just as if nothing had changed and yet everything had. No bond, no reason for Seiaman to stay here. If she wanted she could just head south to a warm bed and a willing woman. For all she knew that was exactly what the ex Warder was planning to do. And if one night much like this Seiaman never came back, even this night, what then? Did she spoil even a single more hour of her time being bitter over what she couldn’t have? No: she would have to go on alone. She was a Sister of the Battle Ajah, after all … and the Battle Ajah did not permit cowards or weaklings among its ranks.

 

Once night as dark as her suspicions had properly fallen Seiaman came back, all grace and coiled power amid the gathering shades, and set to doing whatever it was one did with fish. The firelight played across her hard face and made a dark hollow of her ruined eye. Pretending to be interested in the fire Sirayn watched under her lashes instead, fooling herself for a moment, imagining what it would be like if this woman had for some strange reason fallen in love with her instead of some perfect, powerful Sitter; the thought turned her bitter and her mouth twisted. So swiftly all her regrets and longing turned to ash.

 

“I heard about the flowers and the gifts she sent you.†She made her tone lazy as though she did not care at all. “It is satisfying to be met by passion at every step, I trust? To know that she is all but destroying her career for you? The course of true love doth never run smoothly, so it is said, but I think the one obstacle to your romance with our fair Jaydena … and I am but a small obstacle, I admit, there is scarcely five feet of me … has been removed. I suppose it is as well that I was under no illusions that your promises of everlasting devotion to me prior to Dumai’s Wells had a grain of truth in them.†Nearly savage on the words. Her surviving hand coiled tight somewhere out of sight. “Otherwise when you decided I was no longer good enough for you I might actually have been a trifle hurt.â€

 

The fire’s heat washed against her in steady waves. The close confines seemed even closer with the dark and the warmth; she took a careful breath, made herself relax, tried to be cold inside. No matter how she tried to deceive herself, she reflected, when it got down to feelings she was dreadful at pretending she did not care. “She wasn’t even faithful to you, you know. As soon as you were … gone … she moved on. Right after your-“ death, she nearly said, and bit her lip; “departure, she came to meet me in this gown-“ couldn’t even finish the sentence, the whole memory horrified her so much, the glass and then that tongue, and everything too close and too hot all at once. “For all she knew you were barely cold in the ground and all she wanted to do was sit in somebody else’s lap. That’s the woman you pledged your life to! You think about that when you crawl back into her bed.â€

_________________

Sirayn Símeone-Damodred

Head of the Green Ajah - 999 NE

White Tower RP Co-ordinator

 

The night fell and the stars slowly appeared in groups - the nearly new moon gracing the sky, denouncing all efforts by the clouds to shroud its natural beauty. It was nearly enough to make Seiaman forget that she still lived in a chaotic world - one that she never dreamed herself of living in. Bringing her attention back to where she currently stood, the surrounding forest was quiet except for the wind blowing through the trees and the nearby river. She listened for a minute, becoming familair with all natural sounds - if an intruder was not careful in being quiet, she would know by the unnatural sound. Seiaman started towards the campsite, reflecting back to when Mikala and the wolfkin had taught her a few tricks in living in a forest - she was grateful for the lessons and allowed the fleeting emotion to stay a moment longer. She came into the makeshift cave in a tree and stepped inside, welcomed by the warmth of the fire - yet the campsite was still cold. Sirayn crouched near the fire, her face carved from a block of ice but no amount of fire would ever warm the bloody woman. It's just as well, that's exactly how she wants to be. And that's how I'll leave her be. She hung the fish from the wall and shedded her person of weapons and the flasks of water.

 

After tending to the horses and feeding them, she crouched on the other end of the fire and started to prep one of the fish to cook directly over the fire for the eve's dinner. Whether Sirayn was watching or not, Seiaman tried not to care. After a brief moment of silence and the first fish was directly over the fire - Seiaman started to work on the rest of the fish and Sirayn's voice broke the peaceful quiet. Seiaman held her tongue and listened as she worked on the fish - sparing an occasional glance towards the other woman as she spoke. Do I even dare let her continue to think of those lies of me bedding Jaydena? Or try to win the fruitless battle to convince her otherwise? She did not know if it was worth it to meet Sirayn's challenge that no such relationship existed between herself and Jaydena. She was still angry that the boy told her the lie but yet she knew he didn't know any better. He did not know how he made Sirayn suffer even more in the waves of pain that followed his words. Yet I do. Do I dare free her from the sufferings that I initially caused her? With a mental sigh, she knew she must. She owed her former Aes Sedai that freedom.

 

Sirayn continued on her rant in her personal war against all things Jaydena - but the news was a surprising stab of pain. So soon she sought out a companion? Yet she dared not show how the information has affected her - she knew what Sirayn was trying to do. But she could not ignore the wave of pain and betrayal - It would've made sense if Jaydena pursued Sirayn after my false death but I would've thought the woman would do so after a bit of a mourning period. And yet after Seiaman's return to Tar Valon, the woman went about her pursuit as if no such thing happened. She looked up at Sirayn, Suppose it is a lie? She shook her head, Can't be. Sirayn is bound by the oath of truth. But yet she is able to believe a lie and voice it. She took the fish away from the fire, deeming it ready to be eaten. The silence fell onto them once more as Seiaman split the fish in half and gave the first half to Sirayn. But what was her purpose of saying what she did? Why did she even ask the boy to spy on me?

 

She placed the rest of the uncooked fish on a hot slab of rock that was warming up by the fire then took her half of the meal, eating it in silence. The woman is still trying to convince herself that she is over me. That she feels nothing for me anymore. The voice in the back of her mind decided to speak up, Something that you are doing to yourself. Don't you see? With a quiet sigh, Seiaman made a decision. "For someone who is unable to trust even with those that she is close with - you are quick to believe the lies of a boy who seeks either your bond or your companionship in bed. Did he tell you that I returned all of her gifts? Did he tell you that she pursued me only to be turned away?" Seiaman met Sirayn's gaze. "Of course not. He wants something from you - so he will tell you whatever lie he can to rid your heart of me - so he can get closer. So he can get what he wants from you." Seiaman finished the last of her meal, "Of course, you do not believe me. For some reason, it is easier for you to believe that I will always be in love with someone else and never you." Returning her attention to the rest of the cooking fish, "No such relationship exists between Jaydena and I. Perhaps you should go back to your boytoy and reaffirm his intentions towards you."

 

~ Seiaman Kera

 

The fish tasted good. Despite her numerous failings, too many to list in a single evening, Seiaman could at least cook. She finished the fish and licked her fingers, precise as a cat, and tipped the picked clean bones into the fire; sisters did not fear flames nor anything else, but it would not take much of a skilled observer to detect mistrust in her gesture, in her gaze staying wary on the blaze. She was better with fire now, could be around it again without panic her constant companion, but it still brought back memories of horror. Not that she would permit anyone to know it. She might as well set a dagger to her throat herself. As the wind swirled in an icy rush into their little hollow she pulled her coat closer about her, thin hand pale against the darkness of the cloth, and moved closer into the fire’s heat focused hard on not shivering; the other woman did not need any further excuse to laugh at her.

 

Even the sound of Seiaman speaking touched something in her … anger perhaps, that at least she knew, a feeling she could put to her own ends. Much easier than considering that she might be hurt, that she might want something else … no, too much had happened between them for any sort of peace. Unsettled now, bitterly resenting that this woman could still make her so upset, she met the words with a flat grey stare; eyes narrowing in disbelief, in mounting fury, at the slander levelled against an absent boy. The mere idea that Corin should be about her business for such crude reasons, to bond her or bed her like she was just a piece of meat, irritated her like fire and a stinging response came to her immediately to prevent any further assault on his character only to find yet more support for this bizarre lie.

 

She might not fully grasp what motivated the boy, what dark and complex thoughts lay behind the mask of seeming innocence, but it did not take a first class wit to work out that this was certainly not it. The first claim was simply inconceivable; nobody had ever wanted to bond her save a brave young man many years ago, a man long fallen by the road, whose grave she still visited from time to time. Not even Seiaman had wanted to bond her and she was supposed to be a loyal Gaidin: her mouth compressed at the memory, at all the long years of shame, just second choice to a beautiful and brilliant Sitter. No amount of words would ever reverse that. No way she could ever forget that Seiaman had never wanted to be her Warder and that she had never stayed loyal. No, the thought that the boy might want to cast away his life so lightly on the likes of her was not to be entertained for a moment.

 

The other seemed equally ludicrous. It did not seem necessary to search her memory for the last person who had shown any kind of interest in her because she remembered all too bitterly well, and what a disaster that had been, too hot and too close and her revulsion too great to tolerate. Her old friend and arch rival had wanted something else from her, that much she suspected by now, but just the pretence that she was after some sort of intimacy was enough to disgust Sirayn; how anyone looked at a crippled little creature all scarred and stern and their thoughts immediately leaped to bedding was beyond her. Some time ago now she had promised herself that nobody was ever going to lay hands on her against her will again and … surely she could never countenance even for a moment that somebody else might touch her. How could this not be obvious? How did one pretend to know her and not understand something so fundamental, so critical as her greatest fears?

 

Careless slanders had given her enough cause for thought; this was manipulation pure and simple and Sirayn did not intend to be subjected to it any further. An ice sharp sort of fury was rising in her: the anger of a woman relegated to second best over and over; for whom it had taken years to even understand her feelings, let alone express them, and who had taken rejection bitterly hard; a woman for whom anger and bitterness had been the only constants for many a year. And this was simple at last, solid ground beneath her feet, where all she had to do was work out how best to twist words until Seiaman suffered … a fraction as much as her, perhaps, but enough for now. Anger was a cleansing feeling.

 

“If you must mock me, at least have the courtesy to keep it somewhere I will never hear it!†An autocratic snap. Suppressed wrath ran harsh in her tone, twisting her usual coolness out of recognition. “I realise that I will never compare to the all perfect Jaydena but I will thank you to give me enough credit to know when you deride me. Bonding or bedding? Do you take me for a fool? Has anyone ever-“ breaking off, on second thoughts, that was one sentence that should never be finished; making herself relax she took a calming breath, tried to summon up her wits. All night would not have been enough to sum up the whole complicated situation involving the boy and she did not intend to make any such attempt with Seiaman here to pick holes in everything. It insulted her even to think of some outsider’s logic being applied to this. It was purely her business and and Sirayn meant to defend her territory.

 

“The boy has served me well. I will not hear you insult him.†She went for a more moderate tone now. “It is entirely up to me what I do with Corin Danveer, and I think we have already established,†a brief cruel twist to her mouth, “how little you want to be involved in anything to do with me. So keep your slander to yourself.†The boy could not be trusted: that much she understood in her bones, but she kept him around anyway … why, gave her pause for a moment, for she had not previously been known for her liking for courteous boys. Perhaps that was just it; when one entered the twilight of one’s life, a touch of contempt on the thought, one was desperate for any kind of company. He was just a pawn to do her bidding! She would permit no other connotation to be put to it.

 

The other part was scarcely more credible to her. After all the times Seiaman had claimed to love the third part of their circle forever, should she take that so lightly as a lie? How could one ever take back such words? She stopped abruptly, hating this, hating herself. It was none of her business who Seiaman was bedding this week. Or whether the blademaster would stay loyal to this one either.

_________________

Sirayn Símeone-Damodred

Head of the Green Ajah - 999 NE

White Tower RP Co-ordinator

 

Seiaman rose from her seat as Sirayn apparently soaked in her words. She knew the woman would deny that the boy sought her bond or affections. The woman denied anything that had to do with people's desires. She started to brush down Storms and inspect his body for anything out of the unusual and of course, the horse basked in the attentions. At least someone wants my attentions when I give it. Instead of someone who pushes me away entirely - and instead of someone who sucks me dry. Sirayn spoke up and she listened her wearily as she went on her rant of false beliefs. Amusing. She's so protective and riled up about the boy. She would rather vehemently deny anyone could ever be attracted to her bed or to her bond than to admit that it may be a possibility. Perhaps it may be that she returns the sentiments but does not wish for me to know it. The mere thought brought a surprising surge of jealousy and she quickly quelled it. Not any more, Seiaman. She wouldn't go down that path until she knew she had a decent chance. And even if that chance presented itself, she'd still be cautious.

 

Sirayn ended her rebuttal and Seiaman smelled the fish starting to crisp up. Patting Storms down, she returned her attentions to the fish and started to prep them for preservation. Slander. If that woman ever learned who slandered who, she'd be in the pits of guilt. But she'd deny she was ever in there. With a soft shake of her head, she wrapped up the fish and tucked it into her saddlebags. Pulling out a bag of oats, she walked over to her horse and started to feed him, letting him munch and lick all of the oats and seeds from her hand. A shuffle of sound nearby proved that Sirayn tired of waiting for Seiaman to challenge her words, to argue that she was wrong and that the boy was in fact using her instead of the other way around. A quick glance proved that the woman was tending to her horse but Seiaman wouldn't give her any satisfaction tonight in thinking that she won the argument. I wonder what she would do if I walked over to her and gave her what she deserved. A moment of passion might be enough. But Seiaman decided against it.

 

Finishing up her last tasks, she went to lay down by the fire and laid on her belly, watching the entrance of their lair. An owl hooted outside as Seiaman committed to memory the shadows outside. If one of those shadows moved or a new shadow came in, she'd know that they had company. Relaxing her body and her eyes, she kept her gaze pointed to the entrance. Another shuffle told her that Sirayn was lying down on the other side of the fire. She knew that the woman still believed that Seiaman was a no-good lying womanizer. The small voice spoke in the back of her mind, If only you didn't push her away. She silenced the voice mercilessly. He has never lied to her, Seiaman. But she believes you have. Gods, why do I have to be the bad one here?

 

"A difficult task for you, Sirayn," her voice was soft, "is to determine who's telling the truth. You think I am not because you believe the ghosts of our past. 'What once was must always be.'" She paused slightly, considering her words, "You think he is because you believe in his innocence. 'A flower can be beautiful. And poisonous.'" She shifted to push a rock out from under her hip, "I'll take first watch. Good night."

 

~ Seiaman Kera

 

Ever since that night in the hollow stump of the tree, hardly a word was exchanged. They only spoke when it was utterly necessary. Seia's gaze fell onto Sirayn's back, she rode ahead slightly as she seemed to favor being in the lead. She could not figure out what the bloody hell the woman was thinking most of the time - like what had happened the other day. They had come to a large river but apparently the bridge was taken out. Seiaman's eye seemed to suspect that someone had a hand in it but before she could say a word or even scout to find a way to get safely across - Sirayn had prompted her horse into the water. Why am I not surprised? She followed the Aes Sedai into the water and luckily, they both had made it across. Seia had to wonder if the Aes Sedai's Earth ability had something to do with finding the shallow crossing of the river. Or even making it. But she had to admire the woman - it was her assumption that most Aes Sedai would have sought another way around.

 

The stops occured without much event - the previous night, camp went up without a hitch and Seiaman had returned from hunting to find Sirayn had already tended to her horse, built the fire, and was lying in her bedroll, apparently asleep. Oddly enough, she felt more lonely than ever. She brushed the thought aside and went to work on dinner - the air was cold but their cover was good enough to have a decent fire. Seia started to cook the skinned hares and brought a small cooking pot filled with herbs and water to hang from the spit. Her gaze fell onto Sirayn's face as the shadows of flame danced on her features. So destructive ... yet beautiful. She let out a quiet sigh, for the first time in a while, she wished she had not acted so prematurely and childish while she was Sirayn's bondmate. She could only imagine how things would've been different. You are what caused her to be this way, Seiaman. She turned her attentions to the hares and turned them over. She knew nothing would be solved by wishful thinking - but she also knew there would many things she would've changed if she ever had the chance to go back in time.

 

At that moment, she felt her walls weakening as the emotions of failure, loneliness, and misery overpowered the Spring. If only I didn't push her away. If only I didn't push her to what I knew she could be. The empty space where the bond was ached painfully. It took Seiaman all that was left of her will not to go over to Sirayn and beg for forgiveness. She rose to her feet and walked over to Storms, getting a firmer grip on herself. This is not the time nor place. You made your decision and now you need to deal with the consequences. Seiaman shook the dreary thoughts out of her head and focused on making sure the horses were tended to, the food was cooked and preserved, and that the fire was banked down to a low simmer. Do your duty. Get her back to Tar Valon safely. Then stay away from her. Sirayn didn't want her around and it was misery for Seiaman to have Sirayn around. Pushing that last thought of her mind, she assumed her night guard duty as she leaned back on the boulder.

 

*~*~*~*~*~* (dream)

Seiaman jolted away at a touch and glanced to see Sirayn standing above her. Light. I must've falled asleep. With a deep frown, she scolded herself and started to rise. Only to find Sirayn placing a hand on her shoulder, keeping her down. The woman sat on her lap and brushed her good hand across her cheek. Seia moved to speak softly only to find a finger pressing against her lips when the woman started to lean over...

*~*~*~*~*~*

Something nudged on her head, prompting Seiaman awake. Storms was nuzzling her and she blinked, realizing that she had fallen asleep. But she was even more stunned by the dream she had. What the bloody hell was that about? She sat up and added some more dry wood to the fire, her gaze glancing over to the still sleeping Sirayn. She would rather gut herself before doing that. With a sigh, she buried the memory of the dream.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ (couple days later)

The sun was high in the sky and they were approaching the edge of a forest but they would not have to enter the forest. Seiaman kept a close eye at the underbrush, riding to the left of Sirayn but still a few paces behind her. She did not trust the cover it could provide for bandits. Suddenly an arrow whizzed behind her head, missing it far off, their horses danced as a group of bandits jumped out and surrounded them quickly, baring their teeth and weapons. The apparent leader stepped forward, covered in armor and wore a battle-hardened look. "Practice hitting your targets, Tul." A man behind her, the only one with a bow, grunted. Her gaze swept over the lot of them, they all seemed to be seasoned. But they were still bandits.

 

Seia settled her horse and rested her hands on the pommel of the saddle. The leader spoke, "There's a toll for going further north, ladies." One man snickered. "It'd require your money, your horses ... and entertainment." Seia's expression was empty, she didn't move an inch. Nor did Sirayn.

 

~ Seiaman Kera

[Sirayn]

In an ink black night, smooth as satin, a thousand stars glittered bleak and distant. Lying cold and solitary among her blankets she contemplated the remote mysteries of the night sky as a bright distraction from her own, less significant concerns, a jumble of fears and uncertainties too intense to put into words. Part of her had never needed friends more than in this dark hour; a listener, a protector, somebody to lessen the burden she bore; part of her would rather dance across burning coals. She suspected both options would have similarly disastrous results. Her people were not made for gaining comfort from common folk. The shawl she had not brought isolated her as much as the ageless features that spoke her rank most clearly of all for Aes Sedai had to be nothing less than perfect at all times.

 

Days passed by in chilly silence. Ice greys turned to black at night and back to silver with scarce a trace of colour; here a dash of rose in the east, there a whisper’s touch of deep blue where some water raced far beyond them. Made small by scale and majesty they inched across vast plains, tracked by their own fleeting shadows, and only the wind whispered their names. Ice and snow battered them; they crossed raging rivers flooded by snow, toiled across expanses of mud and frost crisp grass, wound round canyons and gorges which stretched far beyond the reach of light. It was a lonely journey … isolated by silence, trapped together beneath the immensity of the skies, and it pared away all unnecessary distractions.

 

Time and silence clarified her thoughts into something harder and colder. Though she feigned a lack of interest she watched Seiaman constantly, all the time, craving something she didn’t quite understand; feeding this nameless hunger on bits of images, moments trapped forever in her memory. Stars glittering bright in green eyes: quiet and strength and lean muscles: always so business like, they never spoke, the silence remained forbidding as a wall between them. It was never entirely clear to her whether she actually wanted conversation with Seiaman, whether this complete and icy silence was better, if she ought to feel content with this. She remembered … quieter times, warmer times … and a tiny and treacherous part of her wanted that instead. Seiaman had already communicated in the clearest possible terms that she never wanted anything to do with that again. And what did it matter what she herself wanted?

 

Some other times she preferred to forget. Being cold, being exhausted, letting Seiaman hold her close for warmth and security: that she chose to forget because it shamed her, because she had not been all an Aes Sedai should be: and the frustrating part was that once enough time had passed she actually could not remember if that had ever happened, or if so, when. Maybe in the long cold winters of their time as bondmates … or maybe in this same chill that held them now … or maybe not, maybe neither, maybe nothing at all. Precision of memory was starting to break down beneath the bright skies and maybe that did not matter either. These days none of it mattered so long as nobody ever got that close again.

 

In the grip of this harsh cold the north had no respect for her contemplation. Beneath a pale and glittering sun they skirted some foreign forest, most likely so old that nobody had dared give it a name, and an arrow shattered the stillness. It seared some way past them: the quick movement spooked their horses: nevertheless in the space of an instant Sirayn blazed with heat and light imperceptible to all those present. Iron composure got her skittering mount under control, old tricks never quite forgotten, and from her rather diminutive height she looked down with great disdain upon the bandits hurrying to surround them. Decent arms, decent armour, decent discipline. A flash of her serpent ring might not be enough to get them out of this one … but she was one of the Battle Ajah’s best with a heron-marked blademaster at her side and she had no fear for the likes of these.

 

A brief quelling glance toward her companion served to hold her silent; or at least she hoped so although Seiaman had not notably recognised an order from an orange in the past. It would be rather optimistic to think that losing a bond had made Seiaman more inclined toward obedience. “Children,†deliberately she named them that in ice cold Tar Valon tones, “you have picked the wrong women to … entertain you. Ten times as many men as you have would scarcely be enough to trouble us.†Ceremonious, she lifted her good hand, and her long sleeve fell back to expose the serpent ring; a scatter of gasps; those closest to her drew back a step in fear but the group held its ground. It satisfied her on some wordless level to see them mark her for the first time as something other than a small and defenceless woman. They had to be desperate to take on an Aes Sedai.

 

A sharp gesture and some ten feet away somebody yelped as the shortbow in his hands burst into flame. A second and she had their outspoken leader lightly by the throat; still some distance from him yet tendrils of air coiled round him so gently he might have missed them but for the icy look she shot him. She kept her hand extended toward him, palm up, perfectly steady as she controlled the weave. “I shall ignore for the moment the disrespect you have shown us.†Gently she lifted her hand upward. The weave hauled the bandits’ leader onto his toes, up into the air, suspended like a rag doll from her grasp. Sirayn remained perfectly cool as though she was not a fraction from smashing the life out of her unfortunate quarry: “Is there … shall we say … a discount for Aes Sedai?â€

[Seiaman]

Sirayn took up on the offensive without a second thought, forcing the bandits onto the defense while she toyed around the leader. Which brought a sense of admiration for her former bondmate. Admit it, Seiaman. You love it when she does that. With an internal scowl, she quieted the voice and returned her attention to what was occuring all the while appearing to be bored. The others were nervous, she could see that - but the only short man held a sly smirk on his face. She did not even have to guess why he was smiling. He wanted to be the leader and was more than happy to see an Aes Sedai easily snap the current leader's neck in two pieces. Seiaman shifted her horse so the man would remain in her vision without being so obvious about it. If the leader did lose his life - the seat would be empty and the best way to claim it was to destroy the most powerful being nearby - which would gain the bandits' respect. With a quiet shake of her head, she hoped they gained their senses and took off as they probably wouldn't get within a few paces of Sirayn.

 

The leader still struggled in the invisible tendrils - the others were glancing at each other, waiting for someone to make the first move to save him from the Aes Sedai. Suddenly, the short man flung his arm towards the leader, something flying from his hand. Seiaman watched with a slight frown as the dagger found its way into the leader's chest. Sirayn promptly released him without a care and turned her horse to face the short man. "He's woolheaded, Aes Sedai," Seiaman did not like that sneer on his face, "as he would've let you two pass without paying toll." As if that was the word for the bandits to act, they all started to charge upon them with their weapons bared. Seiaman didn't move an inch, her gaze falling onto Sirayn to watch what she would do.

 

~ Seiaman Kera

[Sirayn]

A subtle shift from her companion warned her. She spared a brief glance for the dark haired woman at her side, followed the green gaze, and marked the short one as a threat from his smile and his stance. Hence, when he flung a dagger at the man captive in her grasp, it did not startle her much. Dark brows lifting a fraction Sirayn resigned herself to violence, as she carelessly flung the now limp body from her grasp, much like a puppet with the strings cut; it hit the ground and rolled over leaving a smear of bright red in the snow. Another life cast away for no gain … not to mention a perfectly usable knife. Did people have no sense of caution any more? It was all most unfortunate.

 

The threats did not move her. She had seen the true face of danger some time ago and did not intend to be unsettled by anything less again. “If I were you, assuming I had an ounce of sense, I would not be so quick to speak so to an Aes Sedai-“ cut off abruptly as the bandits advanced, incredulity and wrath spiked through her. Truly they must be half witted: all they could do against her was die. Stamping hard on the urge toward rage, life uselessly spent meant nothing, Sirayn reacted instead in accordance with finely honed Battle Ajah instincts. “Don’t move!†a snap for her companion: her hand lifted: white snow and red, a scatter of images, and she flung her most favoured weave toward the assault.

 

The blazing grenade hit snow and exploded. Snow and dirt shot everywhere. Men tumbled; shouts broke up the stillness, movement in flurries. Sirayn waited calmly until the chaos had settled, then picked off the survivors one by one. At the very limit of her strength in spirit she touched each one with an intricately crafted weave. It took them a few moments to lapse into sleep, collapsing and again she remembered puppets and cut strings, and in the few frantic seconds that had passed they had drawn dangerous close. “Move in Seiaman.†The curt order followed by an instant’s surprise when the ex Gaidin moved immediately to do as she was instructed. Had she been replaced with a more compliant copy when Sirayn had been distracted? Nevertheless she made her weave dance among the remaining men until all had gone down, to her saidar, Seiaman’s steel or the blast amid snow.

 

Only seconds had passed. Her pulse still hammered as Sirayn watched the unmoving bodies for a while in silence to see if any stirred; but all had been either slain or put soundly to sleep. A rather swift and summary justice for a rabble deserving of little mercy. “If any are still alive, tie them up,†ordered Sirayn in her most business like tones. Inwardly she frowned over Seiaman and her maddeningly unpredictable moods. For some reason Seiaman liked to play obedient when it suited her, like at other times it suited her to charm her way into somebody’s bed, or more likely it suited her to find somebody still stupid enough to love her and hurt them.

 

She couldn’t quite find the courage to ask why Seiaman was doing this … suspected she wouldn’t like the answer. Awkward, feeling like a fool, she pretended to be fascinated with her reins rather than meet the green eyes. Damn it: this was absurd, Aes Sedai should not have to be pawns for dubiously motivated ex Warders. “Look, if you’re trying to send some kind of cryptic message, I’m not in the mood.†A hard edge underlaid her tone. “You never do as you’re told and now you’re playing the silent, stoic card? Who will you be next week, Rogosh Eagle Eye? If you want something, say it straight out.â€

[Seiaman]

"Don't move!" Screams and explosions roared around her but Seiaman didn't move an inch nor did Storms. She watched Sirayn - admiring the woman. She was at no fault for what was occuring - the bandits were truly so blinded and ignorant that they did not acknowledge the impossible chance of overcoming an Aes Sedai and her escort. Time seemed to slow down as Sirayn slowly picked off the last of the survivors; one by one and she was confronted once more by the fact that she was still in love with a warrior who only loved war and chaos. "Move in Seiaman." The words broke into her thoughts and she glanced around to see all of the bandits lying on the ground. She quickly dismounted and pulled out her jagged dagger, going through each body - checking whether he was still alive or dead. Or halfway in between.

 

Those who were almost dead - she could feel a very faith heartbeat, Seiaman tore his throat open with her dagger without another care then cut their moneypurses from their belts. She moved from dead body to the next - making sure none would rise and drive an arrow in the back of Sirayn. "If any are still alive, tie them up." Sirayn's eyes seemed to bore a hole in her back but she paid no attention. Removing two long pieces of rope from one dead body - she quickly pulled the live ones together and tied them all up with a knot that was next to impossible to undo. Once the last moneypurse was in her possession, she walked over to Storms and put them all in an empty bag to be distributed at the nearest village.

 

"Look, if you're trying to send some kind of cryptic message, I'm not in the mood." Seiaman mounted Storms and turned to face Sirayn as the next tirade of words came, "You never do as you're told and now you're playing the silent, stoic card? Who will you be next week, Rogosh Eagle Eye? If you want something, say it straight out." Seiaman cleaned her jagged dagger with a rag and sheathed it back into the cover of her boots - then urged Storms closer to the Aes Sedai. Green eyes met gray as she leaned forward, resting her arms on the pommel of the saddle.

 

In truth, she had no idea what to say. No words would ever convince Sirayn that her former Gaidin, as rebellious and stubborn as they come, was trying to turn over a new leaf. That her former Gaidin regretted what she had done in the past and was trying to make amends. "No cryptic message, Aes Sedai." Her voice was quiet. "No games and no pretending." Sirayn's face was empty. "You'd never believe me if I said what I wanted to say anyways."

 

But instead of turning her back and continuing onto the journey, Seiaman urged Storms a bit closer - keeping eye contact. "And you're going to ask me - no, command me to tell you." The woman's face tightened a little bit. Their knees touched and she leaned over but not too close to the woman she realized she wanted to win back. "As I shall obey," Her voice was softer, "My life is too short to be at odds with you. It took my death to learn that. Now, I would rather listen, obey, and trust you than to be your enemy." Sirayn looked obviously uncomfortable with the closeness that Seiaman had brought on. "You don't believe me now - but on this trip, I will prove to you that my words are true."

 

She brought her hand under Sirayn's and brought it up to her lips, kissing her Great Serpent ring as her fingers caressed her palm. "As I do swear." In her mind, she wondered if the woman was squirming and confused. She had never handled Seiaman's advances well. With a bow, she sat up and waiting for the tirade that would be sure to follow. But she could not ignore the tingling sensation in her hand from touching Sirayn.

 

~ Seiaman Kera

[Sirayn]

Some time ago, they had been bonded so long the years all hazed together in her memory, she had dreamed of something like this; that Seiaman would somehow, improbably, want her company rather than that of her gorgeous and perfect sister; that the strong hands would clasp hers for some reason other than a business like bond Seiaman had never wanted and which she herself could not find the strength to be rid of. Images and wishes had never held half as much intensity as the green eyes which met hers now. Those words came so smooth and practised while Seiaman watched her, seemingly sincere, certainly a distraction she did not need, that it took her a while to grasp the sense behind it.

 

Confusion did not cover half of her inner turmoil while, speechless and stunned, she listened to this unlikely discourse. After all the puzzling and contradictory signals she had received from Seiaman lately … their clash right after Seiaman returned to Tar Valon, in which her one-time Gaidin had made it clear she wanted nothing more to do with Sirayn, came vividly to mind … how could she possibly put any faith in this latest sign? Just because it sang a sweeter song, told her something closer to what she uselessly and despairingly wanted to hear, did not make it any more trustworthy. It would be shameful to listen any more closely to this simply because she wanted so intensely to believe it. How could she believe anything Seiaman said?

 

It made no sense for one person to switch so fast from one opposing view to the other. One moment Seiaman seemed to think herself entirely devoted, the most loyal Gaidin in existence, the next she lashed out at any attempt to deal with her and treated Sirayn exactly as she had denied she ever would. There seemed to be no consistency and no conviction; maybe it was all one gigantic sham, maybe she was being taken for a ride of sorts, or maybe something more complicated. To be frank she did not credit Seiaman with enough subtlety or enough tact to be tricking her … but some sort of mockery, maybe? Could it be that maybe she was being laughed at behind closed doors?

 

Certainly she didn’t fool herself that anyone would actually be interested in her as Seiaman was telling her so very earnestly right now. In comparison to the stunning Jaydena Sedai she was rather drab with her plain face and angular form; as Seiaman had been so keen to show her earlier, nobody would be interested in her with certain dazzling, auburn haired Sitters around. Maybe, she thought in a moment of cynicism, the nights just got lonely far up in the north and Seiaman was willing to say anything to get the nearest person to warm her bed. It wouldn’t surprise her in the least knowing the other woman’s preferences.

 

Coolly she detached her hand from Seiaman’s grasp doing her best to ignore any small inkling of warmth that stirred in her against her will. The memory of fingertips stroking her bare palm lingered with her intensely. She only had one hand left and the sensation of anyone touching it was too immediate, too intimate, for her liking; she preferred to keep her distance and keep that cold composure rather than this current state of frustrated perplexity. Playing for time, she gathered up the reins, replacing the feel of an unwanted but oddly thrilling caress with plain leather. She had kept her composure through worse provocation. Her face remained smooth.

 

“It escapes me where you get the nerve to speak to me in that presumptuous manner,†said Sirayn at last; keeping her tones low and harsh, hand tightening into a fist on the reins, so that nails bit where once strange fingers had caressed. “You are quite deluded if you expect me to trust a word you say after all the lies you’ve told. To still be bedding Jaydena Sedai is a demanding task, I know, but she is at least very beautiful, I have little sympathy for you. Is it so much of a crisis not to get anyone into bed until you return to Tar Valon? I must have missed that message. Now leave me alone, for the Light’s sake.â€

[Seiaman]

Seiaman let a small smile appear on her lips - she had expected the woman to react this way. For some unknown reason; the Aes Sedai found it easier to believe that Seiaman had never changed. That she was the same womanizing liar that she had once bonded. But as she promised, she'd prove her words. First things first - she had to get Sirayn to stop believing that lie Corin had told her. She held onto Storms reins and met Sirayn's cold gaze with an unwavering look. "It's only presumptuous because you find it hard to believe that I am telling the truth; that I shall hurt you like I always have." Storms stamped her hoof impatiently and she patted her neck as she rested her elbows on the pommel of her saddle. "I will not argue with words, Sirayn. You deserve more than that."

 

Oh, how she wished she could look beyond the iron wall that Sirayn had surrounding her entire being. "Jaydena and I are no longer." She turned around and reached into her saddlebags, pulling out the marriage dagger. Turning it over her hand; the gems glistened in the sunlight. "I intend to return this to my mother who lives in the sea. If we get close enough to the water on this trip." Seiaman knew this would only be a dent in the strong resistance that Sirayn was presenting but a dent would still be significant. "Jaydena threatened to kill me with this dagger. If she truly still loved me," she looked up to meet the Aes Sedai's eyes, "she would've killed me when I turned her away. True love is simply a matter of ensuring no one else gets to taste what you own." She put the dagger away and looked at the high sun.

 

"When we return to Tar Valon; I will give you the proof that you desire." She urged Storms forward slightly then she leaned over towards Sirayn and brought her face mere inches from hers. Her voice was gentle, "Only then will a chance come to repair what is broken between us." Then Seiaman leaned in further and softly kissed Sirayn; yet briefly. She pulled away; "Don't say anything. Please." She knew that Sirayn could go into a tirade about how she had crossed boundaries and that her words were deceitful - that all she wanted to do was warm her bed on the trip but once they returned to Tar Valon; she'd find herself with a cold bed while Seiaman was with Jaydena. With a quiet sigh, she knew she had to prove to Sirayn that those ways were over. Straightening in her saddle; she saw a bound man starting to stir. "We best go, Aes Sedai. I don't want to risk the chance that they belong to a larger group. If you'd like," she bowed her head at Sirayn's unaffected appearance, "we can continue this discussion as we make leave?"

 

ooc: err no idea where that came from ;)

[Sirayn]

No longer? It took a good deal of control not to respond to that with all the derision it deserved. She had heard that before, so it seemed to her, and it had not been true on that occasion either; nor seemingly had it been true all those times the other woman had promised eternal love to a certain Sitter. If somebody chose to go back on their word, to break promises and abandon all their duties, giving their true loyalty to nobody and nothing, they had to expect nothing more than scorn when they made further false promises that would beyond a doubt be undone as easily as the last. Having dedicated her life to a single cause, which permitted no hesitation or conflict of loyalty, Sirayn found it difficult even to imagine viewing duty as something so empty and hollow. To be governed by that kind of whim must be … easier, she supposed. People were so strange and unreliable.

 

A hard smile wanted to curl her mouth at the next words. How ironic to hear Seiaman Kera, who had once been such a passionate believer in true love, distilling her so often professed feelings into a much colder truth: possession. Did the woman think she would find it more acceptable somehow to know that they had both been cynical liars rather than fools driven by desire and idealism? That their treachery had not been created by delusions of undying love but, instead, by some hostile intent? True love is simply a matter of ensuring no one else gets to taste what you own. Simple. Her lips tightened a fraction into a forbidding line. Good to know that the strong and the beautiful found life so effortless. Good to know, also, that if she ever became so pathetic she was prepared to let Seiaman touch her, she could look forward to being owned like a servant.

 

Maybe this was desperation talking. She had never understood how lust could be so strong that Jaydena could be prepared to sacrifice her pride and dignity just to get somebody in bed, but presumably it was, and maybe that motivated this bizarre conversation. Perhaps a journey to the north was too long to spend without some willing fool to warm one’s bed and thus overtures to one’s only companion in miles had to follow … or perhaps, she thought with a twist of bitter amusement, Jaydena had thrown her out of bed again for some imagined slight. No doubt the making up would be even more fabulously perfect than ever. The likelihood of her suffering herself to be some sort of stop-gap measure to ease whatever peculiar compulsions Seiaman had in the absence of her famously gorgeous and seductive lover was, needless to say, minimal.

 

In fact, the likelihood of her ever forgetting the past was equally minimal. For her to gain any measure of trust in this traitorous woman would require either a wholesale loss of memory or, for what reason she could not even imagine, her decision to consign the past fifteen years into irrelevance. The first time they had met Seiaman had done her best to kill her with a knife; on the next few occasions Seiaman had taken pains to assure her that she did not deserve to be Aes Sedai and never would; over the next few years, having coerced her into a bond she did not want and exposing her innermost secrets to somebody she did not trust, Seiaman had carried on a poisonous dalliance with that viper she professed to love; and several abandonments and times of treachery later, having been told over and over that she was now totally irrelevant to the life Seiaman had chosen to make for herself … now she was hearing tales of passionate love? No wonder it was hard to shake the suspicion that somebody was making fun of her.

 

Once upon a time she had dreamed that Seiaman would change her wayward ways and discover, through some moment of revelation, that it was not a certain brilliant Sitter she loved at all but someone rather plainer and more drab. She had been a fool to imagine that. There was no possible way that she could forgive what had happened in the past. Besides, people did not stop their shallow obsession with looks; nobody threw over the likes of Jaydena in all her flawless glory for drab and lesser replicas like her; traitors did not give up their lies … and fools like her continued to dream of ways to put the world to rights.

 

The first moment that Seiaman leaned in she froze. Panic shut out all reason. Part of her shrank back: she hated this, the closeness, the way anybody could terrify her so easily merely by intimating they might touch her. All her life she had traded on her courage and this immediate, instinctive fear diminished her. Her thoughts sped up. Her heart raced. She wanted to lash out, to drive the other woman away and couldn’t quite find the nerve to do so: wanted to draw away, couldn’t risk the damage to her pride: composure exerted frantic control. She had promised herself this was never going to happen again! That nobody would ever touch her against her will. Empty promises and no escape. As the other woman’s lips brushed hers she held herself still through tremendous effort … though once Seiaman finally drew away, after what seemed like an age, she only barely repressed a deep wrenching shudder of revulsion.

 

Blood and ashes. Her pulse raced wildly and her thoughts seemed scattered. She felt filthy, wanted nothing more than to hide somewhere and never let anyone near her again. How had this happened? How? Once she had convinced herself she wanted this … but Seiaman had seen what happened, had even been with her below the ground, how could the Gaidin ever imagine that she wanted anyone to touch her ever again? Did she seem so shallow or so stupid that she could forget that easily, or maybe it had not been harrowing enough, did Seiaman require something actually more terrible to happen before the other woman gave any credit to her very real and intense desire for nobody to come anywhere near her? Her grip tightened whitely on the reins. She wanted to snarl her fury and fear and frustration … and a small and fragile part of her wanted to weep.

 

This should have been such a special moment. It ought to have been something gentle and loving, a memory to store up against the dark times … but instead she found herself distressed and desperate beyond words, clutching at composure to hide the shaking inside. All ruined now. Sometimes she hated herself, hated everyone. She put on icy calm like a mask, drew on centuries of hard earned strength, and reminded herself that she was Aes Sedai. “Your touch disgusts me.†She kept her tones completely serene. “It will snow in the Aiel Waste before I ever suffer somebody to lay hands on me. You know perfectly well why. It speaks eloquently of your so-called feelings that you have either forgotten or care nothing for that. Kindly refrain from making such crude advances in future.â€

 

Sirayn Damodred

Sister of the Battle Ajah

[Seiaman]

Seiaman looked into Sirayn's cold grey eyes, mulling over her words. Could it be that the woman was still like a shattered glass over the Solin incident? She could not fault her for that - the boy was her son and he had committed the deepest treachery a child could ever do against a mother. Her voice was soft, "I have not forgotten." How could she? It was the turning point of her life where she knew what she had done to her Aes Sedai. She needed the Saidar-wielding woman as much as the Aes Sedai needed her Gaidin. And yet a fortnight after the incident, their lives were shredded with the loss of the bond. Her heart bled with pain and she forced herself to look away from Sirayn. "We had best made our way, Aes Sedai. We do not want to lose light before we get to our next camp." She nudged Storms down the road once more.

 

Surely, Sirayn had felt all that had been done in the past was beyond repair. The rejection was most likely the culminating point of betrayal - her unspoken words that there would be no turning back fared true. But yet there had to be a reason why the woman had allowed Seiaman to be her guard on this trip. In the back of her mind, she started to regret everything. I never should've returned. I should've stayed dead in Sirayn's eyes, remained the Gaidin who tried to make amends before her death.

 

Sirayn came to her side, her eyes straight forward and her body rigid. But Seiaman would not look at her. It hurt now, to look at her. What once was apparently will never be again. A re-bond would be impossible. A gentle friendship would be a dream of farce. Even the chance for Sirayn to accept her love - it was more likely that she would meet the Dark One face to face before that ever occured. She let out a silent sigh. Best to just distance yourself and do your duty. Once you return to Tar Valon - we'll leave again. She knew that would be abandonment, an act only traitors would think of. An act punishable by death. But that did not matter to her anymore. She was already dead.

 

Seiaman glanced over at Sirayn - mentally shaking her head. The woman really did not want to be touched nor around anyone who had thoughts of intimacy. She was starting to think that there would be a chance - because of their history. Because Seiaman had lost everything and yet, came back. And now wanted her. But she knew that Sirayn kept her away at arm's length was because she did not want to be hurt again. She didn't want to have a weakness, a flaw. But the woman had to dream, didn't she? Didn't she long for someone to offer comfort and warmth? Someone to just be there, without reason or cause? Surely Sirayn dreamed of someone that stood close by, watching her every move, someone who desired her for who she is? She dared a glance at the Aes Sedai and realized that she must've. She cannot be human if she did not long for that. Sirayn Simeone wanted someone to be by her side, to love her despite her legends of success and failures - someone to listen to her words and dry her tears. But she shoved that dream so deep inside her heart, it was forgotten.

 

And Seiaman realized what her purpose was. To teach love and life to the one woman who needed it most. To show that it was not a weakness nor a flaw to love someone. "I haven't forgotten."