Forging a weapon of myself (attn: Michael)

[Arette]

Cowardice was something to be ashamed of and Mina knew that it kept her from learning a useful skill for her own defense and for serving Duram on a longer run. She was also fairly convinced that Nyssa was disappointed with her even if she was patient with her and didn't pressure her. Her teacher didn't have that much skill with the blade herself but she knew enough to hold on her own. But Nyssa wasn't the person to teach her this and even if she would have prefered to practice with Leon, that was what had set the whole hesitation and fear into the motion. She would never get close to him again with a weapon and even if he had forgiven her for beating him up, she never would.

 

No, instead she would have to ask scary Michael to instruct her. He hadn't done anything frightening in the months after their first meeting in the estates, in fact he seemed fairly nice and friendly from what she had made of him during the dinners and when they all spent time together in the sitting room. She had never seen him even raise his voice but it was hard to overcome the old wariness and fear of men even if you knew that this particular one would do nothing of a kind. It was comforting to know that if she did something horrible like the last time, he could stop her. But she wouldn't, she couldn't. That wasn't her and she would not risk anything that could get her sent away. She could not disappoint Nyssa and Duram and Leon.

 

Michael had been back for a few days from his missions and she hoped that she didn't disturb too badly when she knocked the door of his office timidly. She drew a deep calming breath as she followed the call to enter. If he was surprised to see her after she had mostly avoided him so far, he didn't show it.

 

"Michael, could you please teach me to defend myself with the sword?", Mina rushed out nervously. "Nyssa thinks that I should learn and I... I need to. Leon told me a bit about these philosophies and the Flame and the Void sounded just perfect. You follow that one so you could train me in that too. I mean, if you just have time. It wouldn't have to be today." She actually seemed visibly relieved of the possible postponement. "Please?"

 

Mina

Dreadlady Acolyte

[Wayfarer]

Calling for whoever it was at his door to enter, Michael's face remained smooth as he saw that it was Mina who was walking into the room.  He had become accustomed to her presence in his home, even if the reverse didn't seem to be entirely true.  She was a girl with a troubled enough past he knew just from how he had found her, but he had hoped that over time she would begin to open up.  Perhaps now would finally be the time, though what had motivated her to approach him now was a mystery only she would be able to answer.

 

Training with a weapon he could understand, Michael had already been spoken to by Nyssa in the past about the possibility though he had not wanted to take her on until she was ready to do so and Nyssa certainly had little intention of doing so until the girl was capable of asking him herself.  The request that followed was one that caused him to frown though, the Flame and the Void...  Leon clearly hadn't done a good enough job of explaining the philosophy, or maybe she had just ignored certain aspects of it in favour of others.  The Flame and the Void was an effective way to train one's mind, but it was definitely not for Mina.

 

"No."  Pausing a moment, Michael continued.  "I will not teach you the Flame and the Void.  It is better suited to men to begin with, and it most certainly does not suit you."  His words seemed to cut a little, but Michael wasn't going to leave her under any false pretenses.  He most certainly would not be teaching her a way to hide from her issues rather than mastering them, and that was one of the great dangers of the Flame and the Void.  It could easily transform from a tool to a crutch if the will wasn't strong, and she still needed to build hers.

 

"But I will teach you how to defend yourself.  Go and get Leon's lathes and go to the heart of the maze, I will join you there in half an hour at most after I have finished this work."

 

 

Michael Daemeau

Aurani

[Arette]

The flat refusal made Mina's eyes widen in alarm. It couldn't be true, Michael had to teach her the Flame and the Void and he wasn't even giving her a good reason why not. She pouted angrily and was about to announce that then she wouldn't learn at all. But that would have been childish and she was above that. Fine then, she didn't any stupid technique to control herself. Or at least so she told herself. Underneath the brave facade she was extremely scared and nervous but she'd burn before letting him or anyone to see that.

 

She left Michael's office wordlessly and headed to Leon's room to borrow the practice blades dragging her feet with reluctance. He was unfortunately there himself and her pretended nonchalance didn't fool him. The words of encouragament did bolster her spirits a bit but she dreaded the lessons more and more the closer she got to the maze. She got lost several times even though Leon had showed her the trick of finding to the heart which just added to her frustration and by the time she got there, Michael was waiting for her.

 

She handed him the other lathe and fidgeted anxiously. She wasn't certain if she should tell Michael anything but he needed to know how skilled she was... which was almost minimal. "I know a bit already since Leon gave me some pointers. Do you want me to show you?" She was glad of the nod and going through few basic cutting and stepping excersices relaxed her a bit. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad after all.

 

Her tension increased when he said that they would do some pair drills. He showed her the attack and the defense and all went well as long as she had to only respond to his initiative. She was focused and blocked his attacks resolutely. But when it was her turn to be the aggressor, she was palpably afraid and her movements were stiff as she held back rigorously. This time there was no rush of adrenaline, no hurting frenzy but she was utterly certain that it was only as long as she maintained her self control. She was relieved when he called a break.

 

"See how bad I was? I just can't fight without learning a better technique to control myself."

 

Mina

Thinking that she is really sneaky

[Wayfarer]

"That was about as subtle as a sledgehammer."

 

Watching Mina until she averted her gaze, which didn't take long, Michael added.  "You've never had to fight except when its counted, right?"  Getting a mute nod, he continued.  "Judging from the way I first found you, you never came off the victor neither and thats what we're here to fix.  Thats also what makes what you're doing odd, your defence should be where you struggle but its your attack that is jerky and all over the place.  If you're worried about hurting me, I can tell you right now that you've as much chance of that as our house falling over."

 

"But first, lift up your blade and show me your stance again."  Walking closer to her as she assumed the basic stance, Michael began to make alterations.  She was standing too straight for one, forcing her to bend her knees further was undoubtedly uncomfortable for her but that was too bad.  She'd get used to it after awhile and it was necessary for quick movement as well as making oneself a smaller target.  The lathe needed to be angled more across the body to create a greater defensive cover and in general she needed to loosen up more.  That would come with time though.

 

"Thats starting to look a little better."  Standing infront of Mina, Michael adopted an easy stance of his own but lowered his lathe.  He wondered how difficult she would find this next thing to do, he'd been a little leery of it himself but it helped.  "Now what we're going to do is a simple exercise.  I want you to hit me as hard as you can right here."

 

Pointing at his stomach, Michael prodded her own with his lathe.  "Don't give me that look and do as you're told.  I want you to swing as hard as you can, do it."

 

 

Michael Daemeau

Aurani

[Arette]

Wincing at Michael's rebuke, she turned her eyes away as he stared at her. She nodded miserably when he asked about her fighting history. She had tried to defend herself but it hadn't helped much in the past but that was why she was training now, to change the situation for the future. It wasn't odd to her at all why she had such issues with her attacks but she couldn't tell him the reason. She wasn't really worried about being able to land any blows, that was why she had dared to start training with him in the first place. Even if she lost control, he could keep himself safe against it. She just didn't want him to see her like that and she never wanted to be like it again.

 

Michael made her to assume the basic guard stance and corrected it before assuming his own. She stared at him with a worried frown when he told her to hit him. He was going to block it, right? She tried to parry his prod with irritation but couldn't. She had already gotten the point about him being much better than her and being able to dance on circles around her if he just wanted, thank you. No need to rub it on her face.

 

Finally she reluctantly placed her blade over her shoulder and brought it down in an arc that became a horizontal slash directed at his side. She wasn't practiced enough to be able to make the blow truly forceful and despite Michael's urging, she was unable to hit him as hard as she maybe could have. She tried to stop the lathe when she realized that he wasn't going to dodge or parry or anything and the strike was watered. Michael just gave her a look and told her that it had been weak and that she needed to do it again until she got it right.

 

This time she was annoyed enough that she didn't worry about the loss of control and whacked him well. He bore it stoically and didn't even grunt to signal that it had hurt. He merely shifted slightly and told her to do it again. She just stared and was starting to feel really bad that she had actually wanted to hit him and for feeling satisfaction. She was just what she hated and feared, someone who enjoyed hurting others. Michael made her to do it again and again and from the other side but every attempt was just going weaker than the other as she grew more and more frustrated and agitated with herself and her previous inability to control herself.

 

Finally Michael told her that she could stop and she looked at him like a puppy who had just been kicked for no reason. "I just can't do this. I don't want to! I should be kept away from weapons and fighting. I am a bloody sadist. I will snap again and go crazy and I will enjoy hurting. I enjoyed it now too." Well, she hadn't really impacted him at all but that wasn't the point. What mattered was how she had felt.

 

Mina

Dreadlady Acolyte

 

OOC: The pose where Mina starts from is this: http://jan.ucc.nau.edu/~wew/other/Estratto.htg/guard7.jpg. This is the basic starting position of my own sword school so I tend to use it.

[Wayfarer]

Well, that answered part of why she was so upset, but in the same moment it also told Michael a very important thing about Mina in this moment.  Stepping out of his stance, Michael took a step closer to Mina and said even as she turned away.  "Look at me."  Frowning as she didn't do so, Michael reached over and gently lifted her eyes to his with her chin.  "I don't know what you've done before, but what you've done now has told me what I needed to know.  If you were really a sadist, you wouldn't have stopped, and you certainly wouldn't be feeling wretched like you do now.  I've been around enough sadists to pick them out and you aren't one, not even close."

 

She might have stepped away from Michael if she hadn't felt so miserable or then not, she couldn't be sure anymore. His eyes were very kind and she was partially glad that she had told him. Maybe he could help her somehow but she was still very much afraid. "I was raised up by one and sometimes we become what we hate even if we don't want it. What I have done... it's even worse, he was so calculating and calm but I... I become a berserked monster and I just can't stop myself even if the other is already down and begging for me to stop. I don't want to ever be like that again."

 

"Calculating and calm is worse.  Whatever you did in the past, you have remorse for it.  Him, on the otherhand, you can bet he never felt a single shred of sympathy or guilt over what he did.  That is what seperates you from him, thats why you aren't a monster."  Letting his hand drift over to her shoulder, it settled on it reassuringly as he continued.  "You can change if you put your mind to it.  No matter what pain anyone has been through, if they have the will they can overcome it and you're no exception in this.  If I didn't think you were capable of overcoming your past then you wouldn't be in my house."

 

"You might have hiccups, might make mistakes here and there, but I think you can master your pains.  My wife certainly does, as does Duram.  The only way you can do that though is to face what is inside you, not hide from it, otherwise it will always own you.  If you need to make mistakes to make it right, then you should and I'll be here to make sure you're alright.  Understand?"

 

Pander Wilkes had been insane. It had been like he was two men in one but in the end Mina had come to hate both of them because they were inseparable and the supposedly sane part hadn't wanted to know what was happening. She chewed her lip still deeply troubled even as she listened to him and agreed. It was maybe true that her past would have a grapple hold of her for the rest of her life if she didn't make peace with it but she just couldn't. She was more afraid of the darkness inside her than of the prospect of it always being there but laying still if she just didn't poke the beast. She would never accept it and embrace it and welcome it as a part of her like the Spring required. If she learned to defend herself, it would be without any techniques like that.  "I understand but I don't like it. I want to learn what you can teach me but that part is never going to be me", she stated stubbornly. He couldn't make her.

 

"So you would rather learn the Flame and the Void so you can learn how to hide from what is inside you?"  That hit the mark, but Michael simply shook his head.  Walking over to a nearby bench by the fountain, he sat himself down and patted to the space next to him.  Sometimes you had to give to receive, you had to give people a reason to believe in themselves before they would do so.  Not that he was sure what he was going to say was going to do that, but maybe the trust would help.  Waiting until she was seated, Michael looked at the lathe in his hand as he said.  "I'm going to tell you something I've told very few people, can you keep it to yourself?"

 

His question made Mina grimace and when he put it like that, it sounded like awfully cowardly. But even being a wuss was a preferable option to going through what she had with Leon. It seemed that there wouldn't be any more fighting lessons until she gave in but she wouldn't worry about it. She followed his call to sit with him and even though she kept a distance, it wasn't quite as large as it had used to be. "Of course I won't tell anyone." Who would she tell anyway? And she wasn't someone to break confidences.

 

Nodding at her answer, Michael continued to study the lathe as he spoke.  "I'll tell you right now, I don't know your pains.  I don't know the hurts you've gone through, the things that have made you afraid of yourself."  A pause.  "Yet I do know my pains, I understand what I have been through.  Its not worse than what you went through, its not less, there is no comparing.  But, listen nevertheless."

 

"I was born over two hundred years ago now in Lugard, Murandy.  I don't know who my father was, I'm not even sure if my mother was entirely sure.  What I do know is that my mother was a very lonely woman.  She had no husband, only a child that she increasingly began to find a burden.  What man wanted a woman who already had a child?"  There was a certain sour look to Michael as he answered his own question.  "The sort that had very little interest in a woman save what she had to offer under the bedsheets."

 

"Its little consolation, but she would take what she could, all the while blaming me for being alone, hating me for it.  When you hate someone enough, you can do some terrible things, or simply turn a blind eye..."  Falling silent for awhile after that, Michael used the lathe before him to focus, to clear his mind as he skipped ahead of some of his more deeply ingrained memories.  "I ran away when I was thirteen, tried to take care of myself.  I did a miserable job of it, made a lot of mistakes in the process, things didn't look like they were going to improve in anyway till I manifested saidin.  I was approached and given a choice very similar to the one you had, except of course if I choose otherwise I was going to go mad and die.  Made it a simple choice really."

 

"But I'm rambling away from the reason I'm telling you this.  The reason I tell you this is because while I don't know your hurt, I do know hurt.  I'm over two hundred years old and I still get bad dreams, bad memories, it doesn't easily wash away and the worst of it doesn't go away, at least not for me.  But my point is that you can master it, if you want it badly enough you can be who you want to be.  You have a lifespan far outweighing other people, you'll live for four centuries easily if you play your cards right.  Do you want to let the man who held you for your first seventeen years ruin the rest of your life?  When you have all of that ahead of you?"

 

Michael finally laid the lathe down on his lap as he looked at Mina.  "You might not believe in yourself but I tell you what, Nyssa does and I certainly do.  You've known a lot of pain until now, here amongst us you have the chance to change if you want to, to find yourself.  If you're not ready now, then that is your decision.  But we will help you whenever you are ready to try, all you will ever need to do is ask.  Alright?"

[Arette]

Mina settled to hear out Michael's story and the beginning made her gape. He claimed to be over two hundred years old? He looked like he was in mid thirties and she had assumed him to be about that age with his first born fourteen years old. But she had met a Fors.... Chosen and that was so unlikely that this was nothing when compared to it. And Nyssa had told her that channelers had longer life spans, just not how long exactly. Two hundred years! That was scary. But she wasn't focusing.

 

She could very well imagine what Michael had gone through, beating and maybe even worse kind of physical abuse just like her. Sympathy welled in her and she respected his moment of silence by giving him his space. He had run away four years earlier than she had, something she respected him for. She had been too weak to get away until she had been freed and she would forever despise herself for being unable to do. She was curious to find out who had found him but she held her tongue.

 

She knew what he meant about bad dreams, she had them too, especially during the horrible week when Leon had been gone. She very much wanted to be someone else, someone better and stronger. The claim that she would live as long brought small wave of disbelief. She could imagine such a possibility now but she couldn't see herself that old, she could barely visualize what she would be when she was thirty and that seemed to be an age away.

 

"I want to be ready", she breathed. "I'm just... afraid." The confession came grudgingly. "What do you think I should do then? I want to know what to expect."

 

Mina

Trying to face her fears

[Wayfarer]

Listening quietly to Mina even as he observed her, Michael couldn't help but wonder how much of himself he was seeing in her.  Or rather, how much of himself and what he went through he wanted to see in her.  He had to admit, he had not been happy to find the girl in his house and around his family, but she had come without any warning.  But now...  Time had passed and he'd seen her earnest attempts to simply try and do the right thing as well as Nyssa speaking to him about her progress.  Not that Nyssa had neglected their own children, far from it, but Mina had become a project and perhaps more for Nyssa as the months had moved on.

 

Perhaps Mina was becoming much the same way for him.

 

"I know you're afraid Mina."  Reaching over he took her closest hand and squeezed it.  "Maybe there are easier ways to handle it, I don't know.  The only way I learned was by doing, I kept doing and doing until I pushed through.  I did things enough times to learn who I really was and what I was like, not what I thought I was.  Your reasons and your hurt might be different, but the only way to know the truth is to look upon it for what it is.  Once you know the truth, truly know it, then you can be free of the shadow that man has cast over you."

 

"To do that, you've got to expose yourself to that part of within you that you've got tucked away.  Thats not easy, maybe you will find some things in there about yourself that you will hate as much as you will find answers that will ease your mind.  I can't say for sure, but there is a tangle there and while we can help, the only person that can untangle it is you.  Just don't expect it to happen in a few days like some instant cure.  It is hard, it will take time, there will be times where you'll just want to stop and curl up in a ball."

 

"But, there is a very simple reason why you should do it, and its something I held onto when I did it.  Everything gets worse before it gets better.  You need to ride the worst of it in order to come out on the other side.  You hold onto that and no matter what setback, you can push through."

 

 

Michael Daemeau

Aurani

[Arette]

Mina let Michael to take her hand and returned his squeeze with a one of her own and a slight smile. She very much doubted that there was no easy way but she was willing to try it now. She was glad that she had opened her mouth now but Michael would cease to be as supportive if he ever had to witness her like she had been with Leon. And if he ever found out about Leon... she did not want to think on it. So she would try but she would dance the fine line of not giving in to it. He might promise that he and Nyssa would be there for her no matter she did but it was not true so she would have to be careful.

 

"Are we going to get started then?", she asked with the youthful impatience only a seventeen year old could muster. "Are you going to make me to hit you again?" This time she might be able to actually do it.

 

"Yes we'll get started again, and sure why not?"  Smiling as he got to his feet, Michael stepped half a dozen paces away and assumed an easy position and lowered his lathe.  "Completely commit to the blow.  Don't imagine the lathe simply ending at my stomach when it strikes, think beyond it.  The blow has to travel through, you should imagine it on the other side of me.  Can you do that?"

 

She had though that she could do it and have no problems this time but she begun to hesitate again. If she really hit him that hard, it would ache alot and she didn't want to bring him pain. She was certain that he noticed her faltering but he just kept smiling encouragingly and repeated again that she could not hurt him. Bah, so he thought that she was such a weakling that she could make no impact. After their discussion she wasn't able to gather enough spite to hit him on the power of it so she used her good imagination to picture someone else in his stead. Someone she had been angry to and had acted upon but without loosing control. She summoned an image of the man who had pawned her lecherously and whose hair she had set on fire. Swinging the blade with determination, she brought it down to his side and finished the move by running the edge of the lathe across his stomach in a natural arc.

 

Receiving the blow stoically, Michael smiled as he felt the lathe fall away from his stomach as he stood up straight.  "See?  I'm fine.  Now, I want you to tell me something Mina.  How did it feel?  Look at every emotion you felt and why you felt it.  You don't need to tell it to me if you don't want to, but remember to not only look at what was felt but why.  Try and understand what you felt."

 

Michael's smile and reassurance made Mina breath with relief. He could obviously take some punishment even if she prefered to use a real dummy instead of practicing on someone she liked. She nodded at the task she was given. "I can tell you since you need to know to be able to actually help me. At first there was reluctance and hesitation because I don't want to hurt real people. I was able to do it because I imagined it to be someone else, someone I wasn't as loathe to harm. But it had to be someone who wouldn't evoke too strong feelings so I chose the man from the inn, the one I first channeled on. Then I could do it. After that it was just focusing and imagining the cut in my head and doing it."

 

"Was that alright?"

 

Michael smiled and nodded.  She was going to do just fine.  "Thats good, we can build on that from there.  In the meantime, lets continue with drills.  The drills are the basics, once you have begun to master them, when they become an automatic reaction on your part, then we will be ready to move on." Lifting his lathe before him, Michael gave a simple order.  "Attack."

 

There were basically only three kind of different cuts and their reverse side versions to start an attack and Mina went with the one she felt the most confident with, a diagonal cut aimed at the junction of Michael's left shoulder and neck. He blocked her with ease and counter attacked stopping his lathe to simply touch her temple lightly with the edge. Then they reversed roles and it was her turn to be the aggressor and he also showed her several counters and counters of counters to the particular attacks. After the very basic things that Leon had showed her, they went through completely new drills. Mina didn't know which one was more tiring, using the weighed lathe and constant footwork for hours or the unbreaking concentration and learning such a flood of new things. Michael went easy on her but she was still sweat drenched and exhausted by the time he finally called a break for the day and let her off to get ready for dinner.

 

Mina

On her path of becoming a lean and mean fighting machine (yeah right)