The Shawl and Motherhood [ATTN: Elyssa]

[Guest Estel]

Stillness. Blessed stillness. Oh how the troubled hearts of the world longed for it, searching for it in their hearts. People spent a lifetime, trying to find a way to still their hearts so earthly cares would not touch them, if only for a little while. Some achieved it through meditating, others through art forms like painting, playing music or writing. There were those who went to private sanctuaries to simply be alone in that stillness, as if it would somehow diffuse into them.

 

The bloody fools.

 

Stillness wasn’t bliss, it was HELL! Honestly, what half-brained idiot first suggested that calmness and stillness were synonymous? They weren’t! Estel was now finding that out the hard way.

 

To the completely oblivious eye, she was the very image of calmness and tranquility. Of course, that eye would have to be completely oblivious of everything about her, especially her epicureanistic nature. Which was why anyone who had even heard rumours about her “exploits” would find it a shock to see her sitting completely still, her eyes staring blankly at the door. If said “anyone” happened to decide to investigate further, they would find her face completely devoid of her usually abounding emotion and her breathing and an almost scarily calm rate.

 

None of that had come through meditation. Meditation was the easy way and Estel had never seemed to like taking the easy way. And besides, this stillness wasn’t exactly welcome. Before anyone’s hopes get up... no, she’s not dead.

 

No, this was a different stillness. This was the stillness of shock, panic, utter confusion and immense pain. All this rolled together to freeze her in place. Even her normally turbulent mind no longer functioned.

 

In the matter of about an hour, her whole world had changed and suddenly everything she had worked for teetered precariously on the edge of a knife waiting to collapse back onto her head. Light, ten years of work. Ten years of building herself some sort of footing from the mire she had made of things in the beginning. Damn her, why had she mentioned the beginning? Why had she told him he was her greatest mistake? Of course he would be furious! Of course he would storm out of her room cursing her and naming her for what she was... a failure. A failure as an Aes Sedai and a failure as a mother. A failure because she could no longer keep the two apart.

 

So what was she going to do? She was Aes Sedai, she finally deserved the Shawl around her shoulder and she had given up her role as mother years ago. Burn the boy! Why did he have to show up? She had left him in Bander Eban for a reason- so she wouldn’t have to deal with him!

 

Hours passed before she finally moved. She simply stood and walked out of her rooms. Not a trace of anything that had happened showed on her face but she doubted how long that would last. All she knew was that she needed to talk to someone. Who? Serena? The woman would immediately go running to Sirayn and the less the Green knew about this, the better. Who else was there? Estel was hesitant to go to anyone outside the Blue Ajah and she really didn’t want anyone who didn’t already know, knowing about the boy.

 

Elyssa.

 

Elyssa was one of the few who had known about Faerthines’ existence from the very beginning. The two had talked years ago and it had been some time since their last conversation.

 

It was time for another one.

 

Estel knocked on the door.