A New Reason To Smile [Selenessin's Arches]

[Quisalas Selene]

When Selene opened the door and Larindhra Sedai stood there wearing her shawl and looking very official and very formal, she panicked.  She wasn't ready, she didn't know enough yet to be raised to Accepted, and she was sure she would fail the test and she couldn't do this.  Her throat closed up tight and she was completely at a loss for words.  For one of the very few times in her life, there was not a thing that Selene could say at all.  She moved to follow the Mistress of Novices with sure and steady steps, having no idea whatsoever how she would get through this.  The Aes Sedai serenity that she had long strived to emulate had come to her in the form of a fear so great she could express nothing at all.

 

She concentrated on her breathing, she concentrated on walking with as much quiet grace as she could muster, and she concentrated on not thinking about what was to come.  She knew the words that she would be expected to say, she knew the ceremony and its formalities.  Even as her stomach turned to lead and her blood to ice, she went over them in her head again, making sure she had everything memorized perfectly.  The White Tower seemed eerily quiet.  She knew that the silence had little to do with her raising ceremony and much more to do with the early hour of the morning, but for the first time in the seven years she had lived here and learned here, the usually comforting quiet of early morning felt tomb-like and imposing.  Selene's hands were like ice and she could scarcely even feel them.  The warmly comforting smile that Larindhra Sedai sent her before they entered into the chamber did little to quiet the butterflies in her stomach, but it did at least do that little.  Now that she was here, it could begin and she would speak the words and find out even for herself if she could do this.

 

The ter'angreal in the middle of the room caught and held her gaze.  The three arches that had been the almost mythic point of her focus for weeks and even months now stood before her, real and true.  There was an Aes Sedai at each of the three places where one arch met another and all of them met the silver ring set into the floor.  She thought of her mentor, Melianna, and the woman's almost constant preoccupation with ter'angreal and wondered what that girl had thought when she'd first set eyes on this impressive creation.  Just like Larindhra Sedai, the Aes Sedai channeling into the ter'angreal all wore their shawls.  So too did the last woman in the room, standing beside a table upon which set three chalices.  Those would hold the water that washed her clean.  The small familiarity of knowing what the ceremony would entail, even if no word was spoken of what the trials in the arches would mean, helped to soothe her a little.

 

The Mistress of Novices spoke softly, sharing with Selene knowledge that all Aes Sedai and Accepted held. “Two things that no woman hears until she enters this room. Once you begin, you must continue to the end. Refuse to go on, no matter your potential and you will be very kindly put out of the Tower with enough silver to support you a year, and you will never be allowed back." Never to be allowed back.  Selene could not think of a worse fate when she tried, and she wondered if facing her fears this day would mean facing that fear.  At least this one was within her control.

 

"Second. To seek, to strive, is to know danger. You will know danger here. Some women have entered, and never come out. When the ter'angreal was allowed to grow quiet, they - were - not - there. And they were never seen again. If you will survive, you must be steadfast. Faltering leads to a failure.” Selene swallowed nervously, and for a moment felt exactly as she had on that day in her very first class.  The day Larindhra Sedai had explained what burning out was, and what it would mean once they had felt the joy of channeling.  She knew that joy now, and with it knew something of what its loss would mean.  She would be steadfast.  She would have to be. 

 

“This is your last chance, child. You may turn back now, and you will have only a mark against you. Twice more will you be allowed to come here, and only at the third refusal will you be put out of the Tower. It is no shame to refuse. Many cannot do it their first time here. Now you may speak.”

 

"I am ready, Larindhra Sedai.  I would not be here now if you did not think I could do it.  You are the wisest woman I know, and I will trust in your faith in me even as I quake at the thought of what is to come."  Her voice was a strangled whisper that shouldn't have carried in this vast room but seemed to echo and gain strength instead of dwindling away.  She met Larindhra's gaze steadily, with a calm assurance that she did not feel behind her mask of courage.

 

"Whom do you bring with you, Sister?"  Selene's heart skipped as the other Aes Sedai who was not channeling into the ter'angreal spoke, and Selene knew that really and truly, it had begun.

 

"One who comes as a candidate for Acceptance, Sister."

 

"Is she ready?" Light, no, she wasn't ready, she would never be ready.  But she was doing it anyway.

 

"She is ready to leave behind what she was, and, passing through her fears, gain Acceptance."

 

"Does she know her fears?"

 

"She has never faced them, but now is willing."  And she realized with a sudden start that she was willing.  Perhaps not ready, she didn't think anyone really was, but she was willing, or she wouldn't be here now.  The thought made her feel a little better, a little less panicked.  It had been her decision, and in taking the responsibility for herself she realized that what she had feared in this initially had been the weight of expectation itself. 

 

"Then let her face what she fears."

 

Selene undressed, feeling like the uncomfortable center of attention and unable to help the blush that warmed her cheeks as she folded and set aside the novice whites and her shift, slippers, and stockings.  The stone was cold on her bare feet and her skin puckered into goose bumps as she nodded to indicate that she was ready.  The soft white glow of the first arch seemed almost welcoming and she moved forward willingly as Larindhra's words echoed within the vast chamber.  "The first time is for what was. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast."

 

---

 

Selene sat up from tending her brother, confused for a moment.  Jasine lay on the ground, flushed and impossibly hot, but not sweating.  He looked awful and she was so worried about him dying.  They were somewhere in the wilderness North of Caemlyn and she wished they had chosen to stick to the main road instead of going through the forest.  Jasine had said the game would be better away from the main road, and he didn't want to risk Selene attracting the wrong kind of attention again. So here they were, in the woods where Selene didn't have a hope of finding her way back to civilization. The way back will come but once, be steadfast. Jasine could have, but he was laying there on the ground, shivering and burning up.

 

She stood up from her brother, brushing the leaves off of her white skirts.  Why under the Light would she had chosen to wear white to travel in?  She left her brother's side and went looking for the plants that Aunt Sari would use to treat fever and infection.  Just as she came across some feverbane, she heard Jasine moan.  It was a wordless cry of pain and fear and she snatched up the plants and went running back towards him.  She saw a glint of silver, and turned to look.  She didn't know why the shimmering arch of silver was important, but she knew that it was.  And she also knew that if she went to it, be steadfast she would never see her brother again because he would die.  Jasine moaned again and went silent, and her heart clutched in fear.  Maybe if she got to him quickly enough, she could save him.

 

She clutched the herbs close to her chest - her proof that she had tried to save her brother.  When she stepped through the portal it was the loss of those herbs that she felt far more than the loss of the dress that she'd been wearing.

 

She held out her empty hand to Larindhra Sedai, still fisted tightly.  As she opened it and saw nothing she sobbed and said "I tried to save him," before the dash of cold water shocked her to silence.

 

“You are washed clean of what sin you may have done and of those done against you. You are washed clean of what crime you may have committed, and of those committed against you. You come to us washed clean and pure, in heart and soul.”

 

Selene sniffled and straightened her posture, nodding once to Larindhra Sedai before moving towards her next challenge, the hand that had held the herbs once more fisted tightly and at her side.  Jasine was okay.  It wasn't real.

 

"The second arch is for what is. The way will come but once. Be steadfast."

 

---

 

She rode through the woods at a dangerous pace, the horse beneath her blowing hard and stumbling over fallen branches and hidden stones.  She kept catching sight of the brilliant red of the cloak of a Tower Guard, but even though she must be moving faster than he, she couldn't ever seem to catch sight of him.  She was confused and horribly concerned, this overwhelming sensation of dread touched upon her every thought and emotion and all she could think was that she must catch up to Jasine or she would never make it.  She needed him.

 

As Rao lifted up smoothly to leap over a fallen tree, she came down on the other side and the ground wasn't where it was supposed to be. The way back will come but once, be steadfast. The ground was, in fact, a good three feet further down and the other side of the ravine was too far for Rao to reach from her leap in mid-air.  When the mare's front hooves touched down, her right leg crumpled and the horse screamed eerily like a woman.  It was no neigh or whinny, but an outcry of pain and agony that tore through to Selene's heart even as she flew over the mare's head and made her own abrupt acquaintance with the forest floor.

 

Her head throbbed and she couldn't see out of one eye.  As she tried to rise she screamed as well.  The horse wasn't the only one who had broken something and Selene looked to horror at the blood-soaked sleeve that flowed across a forearm that shouldn't bend that way.  Rao still thrashed down in the shallow ravine and couldn't right herself with one of her back legs caught in the branches of the tree she'd tried to jump and her foreleg useless.  Selene lay there sobbing until a flash of color as red as her blood-soaked white dress caught her eye.  Her brother stood at the edge of the clearing, decked out in armor with his sword at his side; the cloak she had been following was whipping to the side in a sudden wind.  Selene sobbed her relief and called to him.

 

"I need you, Jasine! Help me!"  Her brother was like a statue, his usually smiling face an unmoving mask of stone-like distance.  It was an expression she had seen before, that day he had lead them away from the city of Caemlyn after slaying her attacker.  He was unfeeling, uncaring, and her heart broke. The way back will come but once, be steadfast.  Her thoughts muddled under the throbbing pressure that centered where she had hit her head when she fell and she struggled to sit up, crying out at the pain in her arm any time it was jostled in the slightest. "I can't do it, I can't do this without you." be steadfast.  Jasine looked on, impassive and unmoving as she struggled.  And then he turned and walked away.

 

The silvery portal shimmered beside where he had stood, and she knew she had to get there.  "Please, Jasine!  It's important, I need your help, I need your strength!"  He moved on, and Selene sobbed as she knew that she was on her own.  She struggled to her feet, everything aching and hurt, her heart wrenched into a thousand pieces by the subsiding cries of her beloved mare and the taunting gaiety of Jasine's cloak flirting with the wind.  The portal started to grow thin before she was halfway there and she cried out "I am being steadfast!" and broke into a painful run.

 

She collapsed to her knees, cradling her broken arm against her bare chest in the hall below the White Tower.  She was covered in blood from the wound on her scalp and she shivered as the icy water was thrown on her again.  She still sobbed, uncontrollably and with little composure whatsoever.  She wanted to give up right there and never even see what the next arch had in store for her. 

 

"You are washed clean of false pride. You are washed clean of false ambition. You come to us washed clean, in heart and soul."  She barely even heard the words as she cried and did her very best not to move at all.  Nothing could be worse going through this again and again, losing her brother because she chose to seek the Tower instead.  She had first abandoned him and then he had abandoned her and she had been forced to do it on her own, but she had done it.  She could do it.  As the water did a poor job at cleaning the blood from her and she didn't recover from the ordeal, Larindhra Sedai kneeled to help her up and saw her broken arm, the sharp end of a bone sticking up through her skin.  She hissed in a breath and motioned the other Aes Sedai over.  As she was healed, Selene's muscles seized up tight and then trembled violently, if not for Larindhra's support she'd have fallen to the floor. 

 

The healing left her weak, but whole.  She rose to her feet, looked deeply into the concerned but encouraging eyes of the red sister, and then turned and walked through the third arch without a word. “The third time is for what will be. Be steadfast for the way back will come but once.” She was steadfast. If she gave up now, she would be cast out and she would lose the Tower.  She could not lose that, it already felt like she had lost so much.

 

---

 

Selene rode an aging mare beside an aging man.  The man was into his forties and the horse was into its twenties.  Rao should have been retired years ago, and would be retiring soon.  They were almost back to the farm where Rao would be put out to pasture for as long as she had left, and Jasine would be freed to return home and seek the wife and children that might have been had he not given them up - But didn't he get married at the Tower? The thought surprised her and she shrugged it off.  Jasine had decided to be her warder and had devoted himself to becoming a better warrior the whole time she was in the Tower, to stay by Selene's side as she gained shawl and ring.  She wore both now, for the triumphant homecoming she sought.  All of her sisters' kids would be grown up now, it had been twenty three years since they left the farm to see glory and the ability to serve the light.  Both had found just that.

 

The farm was desolate and empty.  Where there should have been grandchildren playing and animals grazing there was only the eerie silence of a long-deserted place that longed for what might have been.  If they had been saved.  Selene leaving her family's home had set in motion a chain of events, the way back will come but once, be steadfast, the end of which had been the decline of her parents farm and their health.  Aunt Sari could have helped.  But for whatever reason, the wisdom of Four Kings had not been able to help, even her own brother's family.  She didn't know how she knew all of this, she just knew it was true as surely as the weight of the shawl on her shoulders was true.

 

Selene could tell that her parents hadn't walked away from this farm because she saw the collection of newly turned soil and the stark white headstones, each one deeply carved with a name.  She dropped to a crouch beside them.  Tad and Kairyn, held in the last embrace of the mother side by side.  She rested her hand on one of the headstones and looked at the date.  They had died only a few months ago.  If she had been more diligent in her studies, she could have come back sooner and been able to do something.  Heal them.

 

When she caught sight of the shimmery silver portal, she knew it was important and that she must go to it. The way back will come but once, be steadfast  She must be steadfast.  She turned to tell Jasine that they had to leave, that they had to go now, and she saw that he was drying up and withering away, as well as the horses standing beside him.  They were all going to die.  She needed to heal them, and do so quickly, but the portal called to her and she knew she had to go.  Jasine fell from his horse and she heard the sickening crunch of bone dryly breaking.  His fan cloak covered most of him, hiding him even from her sight.  Except that it didn't hide that which she didn't want to see - his sallow cheeks and claw-like hand as he held it out to her pleadingly. Crying and begging the Light not to let this happen, she turned and ran through the portal, feeling the recently turned dirt of her parents' graves beneath her feet.

 

---

 

She felt nearly numb to it all as she stumbled out of the portal, the practiced mask of serenity locked in place lest she should crumble and be unable to finish out the ceremony.  She'd done enough already, but there was this last little bit more that she must get through, that she must survive.  Naked as the day she was born and completely oblivious to it, she moved towards the Amyrlin and folded to her knees, head bowing.  The Amyrlin Seat poured the last chalice of cold water over her head and spoke with finality. “You are washed clean of Selenessin Al'Thorin of Four Kings in Andor. You are washed clean of all ties that bind you to the world. You come to us washed clean in heart and soul. You are Selenessin Al'Thorin, Accepted of the White Tower.”

 

She was Accepted.  She was one step closer to achieving the shawl and becoming Aes Sedai.  She was one step further from the little girl who unconditionally loved and idolized her older brother, cared deeply for her family, and lived only for the chance to ride a horse, free and wild, across the open fields. 

 

“You are sealed to us, now. Welcome, daughter,” said the Amyrlin Seat. She handed the chalice to one of the other Aes Sedai and produced a Great Serpent ring. She put it onto Selene's unresisting left hand, and she watched it sliding home into place on her third finger. She noticed from what seemed like a very far away distance that there was blood under her fingernails, and she continued to stare as she was helped to her feet.  “Welcome, Daughter.”  Selene's eyes rose from her own hand to the woman who was highest among Aes Sedai as her cheeks were kissed, first one and then the other. “Welcome.”

 

It was done.  She had been steadfast.