Of Old Truths (Lanfir & Nyssa)

[Guest Celes]

Her fingers ran over the piece of parchment, the journal that laid before her as it had laid before other Head Clerks centuries before her. Part of her duty was to report to those that came in time about what Ajah business was solved, discussed or passed in meetings. What happened in these meetings, who was met in secret and what Sitters were found unfit and needed to be removed from their seat. All this information was shared among the Head Clerks of the Ajah, one passed and a new one took on the burden of keeping these secrets to herself. These secrets that could destroy the Ajah and make it blossom, just as the gossip that ran through the Tower these days could. Phaedra could almost feel it seeping through the cracks in the wall, could feel it nibbling on her and her Gray Sisters as if there was no Ajah. As if all Sisters were one and knew all about one another. Phaedra rubbed her temples and then flipped another page in the journal, she had decided to write once a month and to be honest, there was no point in holding back the truth. “Even an old truth can be bent, twisted and made anew, but the core is still a truth that one cannot bend and that must always be kept, be it in secret,†she murmured to herself often when writing down these reports. There was too much to pain her Sisters and herself that needed to be put in the history of the Ajah. What of the four Sisters that had been punished just less than a year ago for sending of Marce Sedai. What of Freja whom they had not heard from since she left after their meeting, the meeting that chose Phaedra as the new Head Clerk. That chose Phaedra as the one to write these reports, as the historian who knew truth from old and truth from new.

 

She settled in her chair and heard the soft voice of her chamber maid, Farrah, “Some tea,†she said and placed the black tea in front of her, the white porcelain pale in comparison to this strong tea. “Thank you,†she said and looked into the other woman’s eyes, “A headache?†she asked and Phaedra nodded. “Shall I try and relieve it for you?†Farrah asked but Phaedra waved her offering away, “No, I shall need this headache to get through this assignment I have placed on myself this evening,†she said and looked up as Farrah nodded and left. “You can bring me my supper in an hour please, I shall not be dining with Finella,†she knew Farrah would have a long talk with the Sitter about this decision but she did not care. Neither woman could tell her to behave differently, to eat her dinner and relax for the short hour they passed together over a meal. Neither woman could tell her that her concentration would be better after a meal, even though Phaedra knew they would both be right. She sighed deep as the door closed behind Farrah and took a sip from the vile tasting tea. She placed the cup back down and realized that her taste for the bitter black tea was losing its appeal, there was too much that tasted bitter in her life already. She rose from her seat and thought about the latest rumor that had come to her via a younger Sister of the Gray Ajah. Nyssa Deschain had informed her about an Accepted who had written an essay about Marce Dalfour, she had put some quite indignant writings in that essay and Nyssa, teaching that class for the Accepted, had asked the woman to do a rewrite and after that report to the Mistress of Novices for a lesson in distinguishing the difference between rumor and fact. Faerzyne had later on came to Phaedra with the exact same woman on mind, she had shown Phaedra the essay the woman had written, not to ask for help, but to inform her Ajah Head about what went on in the Tower.

 

One could say having a Gray in the position of Mistress of Novices was a benefit for the Ajah, but Phaedra saw no benefit in being confronted with this Accepted’s essay, she could only be happy that none but Gray Sisters had read this essay and could stop the reproduction of its lies before they spread further. Of course, the rumors had not started with this Accepted and there was really no point in thinking that making her rewrite an essay would stop the rest of the Tower from staring at Gray Sisters, from trying to talk to younger Grays about their training and the secrets every Sister in the Tower knew were a secret. Phaedra clenched her fist and could felt he blood rush out of her hand, she raised it over the table and then landed it hard on the stack of papers that lay next to the journal. “I shall finish this entry and then I shall take the rest of the night off,†it was as if she was excusing herself for her behavior. Maybe she was, for it was said that Sisters of old, from a history far gone still watched over those who did the work they missed so much. She sighed and wrote down the story of the Accepted and her essay, no longer pondering over it, just writing it down in a short summary and the way both Nyssa and Faerzyne had dealt with her. She was a sign of what was going on in the Tower, not more than a sign, a symptom to a disease that Phaedra tried to stop. Not the disease itself, but who could stop that? Who could find a way to end the rumor mill or at least pull out the thorn of truth and make it end in a disillusion of rumors and lies.

 

An hour later, supper was brought up by Farrah as by Phaedra’s request, moments before she had finished her report and placed the journal in the compartment in her writing desk. It would not be opened again for a month and she felt lighter, knowing that she would not be flipping through the pages of her own writing and that of her predecessors for another month. The things that Marce Dalfour had written down were factual, as were all reports meant to be. The facts and ideology of the Ajah, lead by a strong woman who was not afraid to admit her faults to paper and to learn from them, so her Ajah would not see a downfall from that. The food tasted too salty and Phaedra realized she was still worrying over the problems she had trusted to the papers in the journal. The rumor mill she wanted to see end, the problems she expected could rise from that more. Maybe it was time to ask for another woman’s opinion on the matter, someone who stood somewhat further away from the case, from her Ajah maybe? But who, other than a Gray could be trusted to talk about matters that demanded they know about the workings of the Tower, of the Gray Ajah and truth and trust that bound them all. “Mother,†was all Phaedra said and she knew there was only one woman who would stand far enough and still close enough to be trusted. It was no longer Ajah business though, if Phaedra took it to the Amyrlin Seat. She decided to sleep on it for a night, it was not as if this problem could find an immediate solution and sometimes a night’s rest could clear the mind of unwanted disturbances.

 

***

 

The breakfast meeting with the other Sitters was a welcome awakening into the fresh early spring morning. The green of the grass calmed Phaedra as she sipped her tea and listened to Finella’s reports, they would be alright. The meeting was soon over as they all met quite often and did not have much to discuss on a daily basis, so they all went back to work. Phaedra however did not choose her quarters or her chambers to work. She donned on her Gray Shawl and made her way up the Tower to where the Amyrlin Seat had her offices. It was midmorning and she had no way of knowing if the Mother would be ready to accept a visitor, but she could always discuss a better time to return. A soft knock on the door, she waited calmly for someone to answer and pondered over what she would say to the Amyrlin Seat. The woman would surely not be wearing her battle attire, her face smeared with the blood of two men who died at her hands in the inner city of Cairhien. She had once looked like that, with Phaedra sitting at court to rule over her case. She had then chosen to treat Lanfir like the innocent victim of a robbery instead of the Green Sister who should have known better and be sent to Tar Valon to stand trial. Could the Amyrlin of today remember herself as the Green she was then, could she see this Sitter as the Judge, as the woman who had spoken to her about the world and about the things they could learn from each other? During the night, Phaedra had woken up thinking exactly that, that she could ask Lanfir to look at this as she herself had looked upon the trial, as an old truth without any of the unnecessary ornaments and decorations that came with their position. She waited and contemplated her opening sentence when the answer came to Enter and Phaedra’s hand moved over the doorknob to step into Lanfir’s chambers. Only to find a familiar face there, one she did not expect. "Mother, may the Light Illumine you," then turning to her Gray Sister, "Nyssa, a good morning to you both." Her face was stern calm, what was Nyssa doing here? And moreover, how could she bring up her request for advice now? Was it not a personal choice to have the Amyrlin involved, to have Lanfir involved? She did what she could, which was to wait and see.

 

Phaedra Eskarne

Head of the Gray Ajah

Sitter for the Gray Ajah

 

***

 

The mornings usually were for petitioners, but Lanfir and Lyanna were so horribly behind on their paperwork that they had decided to schedule in a morning to work through the reports on their respective desks. Lyanna had started out working a lot earlier than Lannie had. Lannie had waltzed into her office, dressed simply in darkgreen woollen skirts and a white blouse, still bleary-eyed and tired despite the generous splash of icy cold water in her face that should have woken her up - and found Lyanna already at it, holding a letter in one hand and scribbling down notes for her administration with another. "You're up early," Lannie yawned, raking a hand through her fuzzy curls. She reached out to one of the intricately carved boxes on her desk and took an elastic band out of it. She quickly tied her hair back and peered over Lyanna's shoulder. A report about the Seanchan, apparently.

 

Lya leaned back and smiled apologetically at Lanfir. "I was awake early. The sun was just peeking over the horizon and I could not sleep anymore, so I figured that I could get some work done before the rest of the world woke up." She didn't look tired in the least, though: Lyanna was like she usually looked: gorgeously dressed, her features smooth, her raven hair flowing obediently over her shoulders, her clear green eyes sharp and alert. Sometimes Lanfir envied her friend's composure.

 

"Did you have breakfast already?" Lanfir asked. She felt a bit guilty that her friend and her Keeper was working so hard while the Amyrlin was still fast asleep. It wasn't as if she'd slept in horribly, but it was just enough to miss her training rounds in the Yards.

 

Lyanna's green eyes widened a little and then she laughed. "I guess I didn't." There was surprise and some amusement in her voice, as if she had not realized indeed that she'd forgotten to get nourishment before she started out.

 

"You go and get some breakfast then, hun, and take your time. You deserve the break. I'll hold the fort in the meantime."

 

Lyanna nodded slowly. "Okay. Do you want me to bring you something to eat on my way back?"

 

"Some toast and tea, if that's okay with you. I need to stock up on tea because I'm running out," Lanfir grinned. "Or you can kick some lazy novice to do it for you."

 

"I just might," Lyanna joked. She finished up her notes and then rose gracefully from her chair, a faint smile playing around her lips. "Who would have thought... how we hated these chores as novices, and how we despised the Aes Sedai for being so lazy and leaving everything to us. Perhaps we were right back then after all. Lazy women, ordering girls around just because we can."

 

"Such a comforting thought," Lanfir agreed, sitting down behind her own desk and picking up the first paper from the discomfortingly large pile. "Then again, I don't feel this administration is laziness."

 

Lyanna smiled. "Neither do I," she said. "Okay, I'm off to get something to eat. Good luck with the paperwork."

 

"Thanks," Lanfir smirked. Lyanna closed the door softly behind her and Lanfir could hear her footfalls further and further away until for a while, there was nothing to hear at all apart from the wind playing around the Tower. She read intently and worked her way through reports, complaints, petitions, scheduled appointments, notes and even more reports. It was the part of being Amyrlin that she liked least, the paperwork... yet the information was invaluable, and she knew this for a fact. So she kept at it, until a slight rap on the door broke into her thoughts. "Come in!" she called out, expecting it to be Lyanna with toast, but instead the door opened and showed her another raven-haired woman: Nyssa.

 

"Hello Nyssa dear, what can I do for you?" Lannie said, rising from her position behind the desk. She was mildly surprised to see the Gray Sister show up in her quarters; usually they only saw eachother in the Top Garden at night.

 

"Am I disturbing you?" Nyssa countered her question. When Lannie shook her head quietly, Nyssa continued: "You left your bracelet in the garden last night. I thought I should return it to you." She held the tiny silver linked bracelet with the coloured gemstones in her hand to show. Lanfir remembered in a flash playing with it on the Top Garden last night, taking it off to turn it about in her hands, and then leaving it on her tiny teatable that she had installed the other day. It had been a gift from her old mentee Nicola, to congratulate her on her raising. The tiny gemstones that were worked into the silver were reflecting the seven colours of the Ajahs. "See?" Nicola had said, pointing at the tiny smoke-coloured gemstone among the emerald, rubie, sapphire and citrine. "They even managed to capture the Grey ajah into stone. I don't even know what kind of stone it is, but here you are"

 

It was typically the thoughtful gift that her friend of the Yellow Ajah could come up with, and Lanfir had loved her even more for it. They had been apart for eighty years; Lanfir had left the Tower shortly after Nicola's raising to the Yellow Ajah, but the younger woman had resumed their friendship as if Lanfir never had been away- albeit on a bit more equal terms these days. And she had nearly lost that sweet gift.

 

"Light Nyssa, thank you so much," Lanfir blurted out in pleasant surprise. "I wouldn't know what to do if I would have lost that one."

 

"You're welcome," Nyssa smiled pleasantly. "Glad to be of help. But if you're busy-"

 

"No, no, by all means." Lanfir quickly invited the Gray to sit down and made tea for the two of them, using the last of her tealeaves. "Now that you're here anyway, perhaps you can help me out." She took a paper from her pile and gave it to Nyssa. "Mayene politics," she said, as the Gray sister began to scan the Eyes and Ears report. "You know the place better than I do; seeing all these nobles squabble makes my head hurt. They're not quite Cairhienin or Tairen, but their games are enough to give me gray hairs. Do you have any idea who will be the next one to make a political move, and what it will be and how the Tower should take this into account?"

 

Nyssa took in the content and then began an extended explanation of who had more right in the line of succession than others, detailing marriages, bloodlines, political gain and internal alliances, when another knock on Lannie's door sounded. "Come in!" Lanfir called out, expecting it to be Lyanna again, and once again, found another raven-haired Aes Sedai of the Gray Ajah on her doorstep.

 

Phaedra Eskarne of the Gray Ajah blinked once and then said with her clear and composed voice: "Mother, may the Light Illumine you," and then turned to Nyssa, "Nyssa, a good morning to you both." No expression showed on her calm face, but Lanfir knew that she and Nyssa must be surprised to catch eachother in Lannie's office. At least as surprised as Lanfir was; Lady Phaedra Eskarne was someone she had not talked to in the better part of a century. They had seen one another in Hall meetings, passed eachother by a dozen times in the halls of the White Tower, perhaps... but never since that fateful day in Cairhien. What was she doing here now, then? And what was her connection with Nyssa? Lanfir looked at the woman sitting next to her and wondered what Nyssa would say.

 

***

 

When the opportunity came to visit Lanfir in her office, Nyssa wasn’t one to let it pass. It had been a mere glimmer in the corner of her eye, as she lingered on the rooftop a little longer than the Amyrlin herself. At first she had thought it was the mysterious bracelet Lanfir had worn often since the first time they met. The bracelet that looked just a little too solid, and reeked of things that the Mother kept hidden from the world. When she walked over to that which glistened, she saw that it was not that particular bracelet. Yet it was still obviously hers. Nyssa picked it up, and observed it for a moment. It had little stones in the colour of all the Ajah’s. “Except for one.†She muttered, immediately glancing around her if anyone had heard. These times demanded that she was even more careful than she had been before, after all.

 

She had taken the bracelet with her, intending to return it in the morning. Now she found herself standing in front of the door to Lanfr’s office, filled to the brim with curiosity. One didn’t get to see the working place of the Amyrlin Seat all that often, after all. She was interested in seeing if Lanfir treated her the same now as she did in the informal environment of the top garden. The shout that beckoned her in suggested that at least. She smiled when she saw the look of surprise on Lanfir’s face. “Expecting someone else?†she suggested. Lanfir regained her composure soon enough. They chatted a bit about the bracelet. Then Lanfir decided to put her to work. She smiled when she saw how Lanfir rolled her eyes at ‘Mayene politics.’

 

“Ah, a fearsome combination, those two words.†She sat down in front of Lanfir’s desk, and glanced at the report Lanfir offered her. It contained no new information. “They may not be Tairen or Carhienin politics, but they come close. You see, the thing you have to keep in mind is that to the world, Mayene must always be a unity. The world must not know about the internal troubles. The problem is that a young… well… lightskirt is a bit of a harsh term, bit… let’s call her a young woman, of very little… discretion, has landed herself on the throne. Now usually that wouldn’t be a problem, as the First is really no more than a figurehead, but in this case, she actually wishes to rule. That brings chaos among the seconds of Mayene of course, who have divided the different tasks of ruling among them for… as long as Mayene exists. The fear is that the behaviour of the rebellious young First will draw the attention of certain larger countries, that will wish to use it against Mayene.†After she explained that, she started on the story of the bloodline the girl had, and how that really made her the only suitable candidate for the throne.

 

She was just about to start on her opinion of what the Tower should do in this case, when someone knocked on the door. Lanfir gave that visitor the same greeting as she had given Nyssa, still clearly expecting someone familiar. When Lanfir’s eyes widened, Nyssa turned her head to see who it was. When she saw Phaedra enter the room, she almost dropped the report she was holding. She hadn’t expected her Ajah Head to visit. Not that it really mattered, as she had a legitimate reason to be there. Still her arrival was a surprise. Nyssa tried guessing what it was about. Perhaps she had heard from Freja?

 

She nodded her head to Phaedra. “Sitter.†She said, not entirely sure if Lanfir was aware of who the Ajah Heads were at all times. She closed the file on her lap. “A good morning to you to.†She turned to Lanfir, who looked at the interaction with barely veiled interest. “I can come back and bore you more with talk of Mayene and it’s politics later, if you wish.†This was directed at Phaedra as much as it was at Lanfir. She didn’t want to look like she was too curious, after all.

 

***

 

Phaedra found her composure as Nyssa offered to leave them to speak in private, she found herself as a Sitter of the Gray, someone here to discuss Ajah matters, not secrets hidden from other Grays. She smiled lightly at Nyssa and said, “No Sister, do stay, there are no secrets among Grays,†and then turned her eyes on the Amyrlin Seat. “Mother, if you have a few moments to spare for an old acquaintance, I seek your advice,†good that was straightforward and not hiding, not shunning away from the Gray who stood next to her. Or was it between her, her and the Amyrlin who offered them both a seat and a cup of tea. Phaedra declined as she liked to keep her mind on what she wanted to say. Tea would lighten the mood and recently, her moods had been easier to influence. So much was going on in the Ajah and Phaedra felt at the heart of it, being Head Clerk. She could lift her Gray Sisters up to enormous heights, but she could also pull them down with her if things went bad. It was difficult not to lose yourself in the problems of the Ajah and in the search for a fair solution.

 

The Amyrlin went quiet and a dead silence suddenly filled the room, the walls seemed to rise up high out over the ceiling and for a moment Phaedra felt very small. Then, she let it all go and started speaking, open and to the point. “Mother, as you are certainly aware we have had difficult times to overcome, my position as Sitter was one I gladly took on. I care for my Ajah and seek to strengthen our position in the world,†in the Hall but one did not say that out loud to the Amyrlin Seat herself. It was evident enough, she continued after a short pause during which her eyes gazed over Nyssa to read her thoughts. There were no thoughts on the woman’s face and Phaedra admired her for her stature. Then she did what she had done during the meeting in which she asked her Ajah to back her as Head Clerk, she pulled strength from the other woman’s stability and strength.

 

She moved her gaze back to the Amyrlin and said, “I seek your advice because the Ajah has become the victim of foul words, gossip and half truths stir behind a Gray Sister’s back and we are better than a few words, but I feel it is influencing our role in the Tower.†There, she had said it, Phaedra’s eyes found the Amyrlin’s, found the woman’s gray eyes they had found many years ago in Cairhien, when she had seen the good intentions and the pain the Green had felt after her actions. “As we once discussed world politics and the cruelty of mankind, maybe we can now discuss Tower politics and how cruel our own Sisters can be,†she then gave the example of the Accepted who had written an essay that Nyssa had luckily intercepted. Here was an opening to draw Nyssa into the conversation, to pull her close and find an ally in the younger Sister. Phaedra found she needed one, not to face the Amyrlin, but to face the problems she dared bring out of the Gray quarters.

 

Phaedra Eskarne

 

***

 

The Gray Sitter didn't physically straighten her back, but she probably would have if she was not very busy playing the Game. As it was, she just stood serenely and emanated the aura of someone who has just straightened her back as she spoke: “I seek your advice because the Ajah has become the victim of foul words, gossip and half truths stir behind a Gray Sister’s back and we are better than a few words, but I feel it is influencing our role in the Tower.â€

 

Phaedra's gaze held Lanfir's as she continued, her voice clear and composed as if she was giving a speech. She always sounded like that, even when she was making words up on the fly. Lanfir had always admired that quality in women who could; she usually had to back things up with charm when she was improvising. Phaedra, though... what she was telling was interesting to say the least. The Gray Ajah was being slandered and put into a bad light? Seemed that Lannie wasn't the only one suffering from dubious opinions and propaganda, then. But why did the Gray Sitter come to her? For a moment she wished that Lyanna was here, but her friend would probably not join them if she heard the voices from Lannie's study and go back to her own.

 

“As we once discussed world politics and the cruelty of mankind, maybe we can now discuss Tower politics and how cruel our own Sisters can be,†Phaedra continued, referring to their conversation in Cairhien back in the day. Was that her reason? Lanfir had not been the most inspiring of people back then, and she had used Phaedra to test herself to see whether she was ready for Aes Sedai politics. It had turned out quite clearly that she wasn't... but now Phaedra seemed to value Lanfir's opinion anyway. Interesting. Phaedra explained the instance with the novice and then left an opening for Nyssa to join the conversation. As the younger Gray hooked into that opening, Lanfir sat back and listened, trying to stop speculating and just taking in the situation.

 

***

[silhouette]

Nyssa glanced over at her Ajah Head as she mentioned the essay that had been intercepted. She had discussed it was Faerzyne for a while, before presenting it to Phaedra. The language of the essay had been bad enough on it’s own, but it also tore straight into a quite painful subject. The Gray Ajah was slipping, and rumours milled through the tower like sharks beneath the surface of the sea. “The novice spoke clearly of things she should not have been aware of. I think that perhaps she spends too much time eavesdropping, and too little studying.†She smiled wryly as she was reminded of her own tendency to walk the halls of the tower at night. Still, she had almost always been clever enough not to get caught. “Faerzyne Sedai is now seeing to it that this child will think twice before she does so again.â€

 

She sighed for a moment, before pinching the bridge of her nose softly, as if she was preventing a headache she had from spreading further. “The girl… was mentored by one of the troublemakers that were sent away from the tower, after the chased Marce Sedai out themselves. The Gray Ajah is only just recovering from that loss, as well as the loss of Freja.†Nyssa was sure that if the woman who had guided her through her first years as an Aes Sedai of the Gray Ajah had still been there, the rumours would be less. “As it is, I fear that the names of Phaedra and Finella do not inspire as much awe as the names of Marce and Freja did.†She looked at Phaedra in a way that was almost apologetic.

 

“All our Sitters have been away from the tower for years on end, working to better the world. But it seems as though in the Tower, only what you have done to better yourself matters.†Her mouth curved into something akin to a distasteful snarl. “We have been careful to keep the rumours at bay. We are loyal to our Sitters.†She smiled at Phaedra. Loyal… was perhaps too strong a term. Nyssa was loyal to the Gray Ajah as long as she gained from it. She felt that now was an excellent time to gain things within the Ajah. Chaos was always in the benefit of a Black Sister. Nyssa suspected that Faerzyne had been the one to leak the information about the troubles within the Ajah in the first place. A few well placed words there, a report, carelessly left open on a desk. There were many ways to go about such things.

 

“We worry…†she started, her eyes focussing on the Amyrlin seat. “I’ve heard at least, that some worry that the Gray Ajah might not recover from this blow. That we are no longer seen as trustworthy, for we let our own betray us so easily. I wish there was some way to show the Tower that a few bad apples don’t make a bad harvest…â€

[Guest Celes]

So Nyssa was also troubled by recent events and how the Grays were positioned in the Tower. This was interesting to Phaedra who realized that she had not spoken to anyone but Finella about the situation in the Tower. This did not make it any less of an issue for her fellow Gray Sisters and she wondered if other Grays had such strong opinions and would be willing to share those. But right now, she was in the presence of the Amyrlin and a young Gray who were both looking at her, waiting for her reply.

 

As Nyssa spoke about her worries and that of other Sisters, Phaedra’s head rose and she said in a quick reply, “There is bad harvest, this is a temporary situation that has sprung from our inability to be open about what has happened in the Ajah.†They both looked at her now and Phaedra closed her eyes, then opened them again and almost bore into Nyssa’s as she spoke. “I came to the Tower because Marce Sedai asked me to, she wanted me to join her in the Hall of the Tower, we know what happened since then, how she was betrayed and how I was positioned to take over from her as First Voice.â€

 

Phaedra’s hands moved over one another, she was slightly nervous and tried to breathe through it. It was not her fault that this had happened and these two women might bring a new light on the whole situation, a way for her to stand above all of what had happened. “I wish to lead the Grays as someone who can reason, mediate and judge a situation, send out Grays to do our work in the nations of the world. Instead, I have to fight backdoor gossip and I’m afraid that we are hiding away, rather than fighting back,†it was an interesting analogy to bring before a Green, not wanting to hide away but fight.

 

A new idea appeared on the horizon of Phaedra’s thoughts and she simply uttered it, instead of going over it countless times to take out all the odds and ends. Maybe this was what came of their conversation and maybe it could not. “Maybe we should do a public announcement, give a brief explanation of what has passed on in the Gray Ajah and how we dealt with it. Of course, this goes against our Ajah politics, it goes against our feeling of keeping our problems among ourselves. But we do not hide from public opinion.†Phaedra smiled softly and said, “we should give our fellow Sisters a chance to hold the truth to their own ideas and see what opinion they from then.â€

 

Phaedra Eskarne

First Voice

Sitter for the Gray Ajah

[Lannie]

Lanfir sat back and merely let the Grays discuss this issue among themselves. After all, they were the experts on their own situation. Lanfir thought it interesting that the Gray Sitter would come to her for advice on Tower popularity, while she herself had made herself vastly impopular with her very first move as Amyrlin, and also how people were trying to lay the blame of Dumais Wells with her, but she kept her peace and listened to the two Grays. Phaedra's voice was laced with passion and sincerity as she gave away the very fact that she was Head of the Gray Ajah. Lanfir wondered if she was even noticing this.

 

“I wish to lead the Grays as someone who can reason, mediate and judge a situation, send out Grays to do our work in the nations of the world. Instead, I have to fight backdoor gossip and I’m afraid that we are hiding away, rather than fighting back." She paused for a second, taking a moment to reflect and come up with new ideas while she was tackling the problem in a brainstorm-like fashion. It was the way Lanfir preferred to work, as well: thinking as she talked, bouncing off ideas on one another.

 

“Maybe we should do a public announcement," Phaedra mused, "give a brief explanation of what has passed on in the Gray Ajah and how we dealt with it. Of course, this goes against our Ajah politics, it goes against our feeling of keeping our problems among ourselves. But we do not hide from public opinion.†Phaedra smiled. “we should give our fellow Sisters a chance to hold the truth to their own ideas and see what opinion they from then.â€

 

Lanfir nodded slowly. "In the end, truth and transparency are the only weapons you can wield against backdoor talking and gossip, Phaedra Sedai. People will have their own opinions anyway. All you can do is show them as obviously as you can who you are, and why you are doing the things you do. You are not responsible for their judgment... there is nothing you can do from that. But you can control your side of the communication. If you communicate what happened and what you plan to do against this and future issues, then you've done all you could. The rest is up to the receivers of your message... and the Light."

[Guest Celes]

Phaedra looked over Lanfir as if she had forgotten she was in the presence of her Amyrlin Seat. It was odd how warm and helping this woman was, when everyone knew, ingrained into their bones that this woman led them all. Yet, she was still a person and as Phaedra had learned long ago, it was important to see the person, rather than the title if you ever wanted to stand up in this world. She nodded at Lanfir’s words and said, “Yes, we shall go ahead and send out a formal, brief message about the current events.†She rose from her seat, realizing there was much work to be done if she was going to set these wheels in motion.

 

“Mother, let me thank you for your advice and for hearing me out, I will no longer press myself on your time.†A short formal curtsy followed a by a smile that was warm and kind, one she did not use often as her face was often too much formed in concentration. “Nyssa, thank you for your aid, I shall see you in the Gray Hall I am sure,†and nodded at her fellow Sister, then departed from the Amyrlin’s office. It was a wise decision to have gone up to find a woman who knew enough of the Tower’s politics to understand her predicament and stood far enough away from it not to use it against Phaedra or her Gray Ajah.

 

As she walked back down to her own quarters, Phaedra realized she had changed since returning to the White Tower. Slowly but surely she had become more passionate about her work, more openly so even. It was not a good nor a bad transition, it was merely a change, an effect of her time spent away from the Tower and her return to the flock. She would adapt and learn to deal with the turmoils of life in between these walls, she would seek out those she could trust and not everything had to change. Dawn Sedai passed her in the corridor and smiled warmly at Phaedra. Yes, that Sister kept the warmth of this Ajah and for a moment, Phaedra paused and asked her if she could have tea with the other Gray. Dawn would be just the person to write a statement that Phaedra could make. The facts, along with a few heartwarming words to turn the voice of gossip into a voice of reason.

 

Phaedra Eskarne

First Voice